Category Archives: Binge Day

What Is This?

Today I was competing in day one of a two day sports festival. I competed with my team but also volunteered to help another team ensuring I got twice the workout. I compete at this festival every year and am well versed in how the days will go.

This morning when I was up and getting ready I had the weirdest chest pain, to the left and kinda mid body, sorta below where my left breast is, it radiated outwards encompassing a good chunk of my left side and I didn’t know what to do. I can’t really describe the pain except that it was pain and I didn’t like it.

My only worry was that it would impede in my ability to compete today but after I choked down some oatmeal, that is almost a literal “choked down” since it didn’t help the pain and in fact made it worse I headed off to meet up with my team.

The level of pain decreased down to strong discomfort after a while and ok yeah, my first race wasn’t my best ever performance, I wouldn’t say that I let the pain get in the way of my competing overly much. I think more than anything it got in the way of my warm-up lol

During the rest of the day the pain was gone, somewhere in the morning it faded away and didn’t come back. Yay!

Jump forward to this evening…

I got home after a full day of competing, had a quick shower, popped my jerseys in the wash, and prepared to chow down on the crazy indulgent meal I ordered as take-out from a restaurant near me. It was a burger with fries and a small coleslaw.

Normally I never eat like this but 4 races in one day in sweltering heat with me eating very little (I don’t like feeling full when I race so I eat minimalistic during the day) had me hangry to a ridiculous level. Usually my hunger level increases gradually during a day when I am restricting but today it basically took over my body and well, yeah, I ended up with a burger and fries…oh, and a cinnamon bun cause ya know, if you’re gonna screw up you might as well screw up alllllll the way! *rolls eyes*

I ate the burger, fyi it was amazing!, then started in on the fries. The weird thing is, eating the fries was giving me pain in my esophagus, like a pressure, burning, something wants to explode pain. I am familiar with acid reflux and this was not that kind of pain. Any normal person would have stopped eating the fries but I knew if I stopped with some left over I’d hate myself even more for eating them then if I had none left (don’t ask why, I don’t know, it is just how I roll) so I kept eating. Once I had eaten them all I sat there, in pain and discomfort, hating myself for eating, wondering what the hell to do with the pain. It faded eventually…long enough for me to eat the cinnamon bun – kill me now, ugh. And it sorta went away without my really noticing the exact moment it was gone.

So now it is almost midnight, I was going to make tea but opted for a glass of water instead. When I drink water I basically chug a glass like it is medicine and that is what I did this time and what do you know, pain.

I am not sure what to do. The initial pain at the beginning of the day started before I had eaten anything…if it had started after I was eating my oatmeal I would say eating is causing the pain to occur…but in that first instance it didn’t. And that first instance was when the pain was at its worst.

So what is causing it? What do I do about it? Most importantly, how do I get rid of it?

I don’t expect you to have the answer, I am just letting you know the questions I am thinking…

I sure hope this fixes itself and I don’t go through it again tomorrow cause that would suck. I don’t know if this is at all related to my ED or if it is something else and I don’t really know how to figure that out…one more question to add to my list I guess lol

hips

Those hips! So jealous…

Pain, Such Pain

Today didn’t start off bad but you know those days you think will go normal but quickly take a downward turn and boom! Food craziness! sigh.

I woke up with a headache, I almost didn’t get up and go out but decided the headache would be with me whether I got up or not so I might as well get up. I had to fill a prescription and the wait time was 2 hours. I wandered the store for a while, it was Costco, but had to leave because I kept thinking about their french fries. By this time I had eaten a protein bar so really, I shouldn’t have needed any food, but Costco french fries make me weak. *rolls eyes*

By the time I was leaving there and going home I felt…weird…I don’t know how else to explain it. I was hungry but not hungry…I had abdominal pain that I couldn’t explain…I wanted to eat but didn’t want any of my safe foods…I wanted to exercise but I was exhausted…oh, and I still had the headache.

All the way home I kept thinking of places I would stop to get food, not just any food but binge food. I have no idea why I was semi-planning a binge. I managed to get home without buying any food but had no idea what to make when I got home. I ended up making a box of macaroni and cheese and inhaled the entire thing. Ugh. Then I had ice cream. Then I had more abdominal pain, still had a headache, I swear my energy levels were even lower, and I still kinda wanted to eat. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to eat…

I was supposed to go to practice tonight but I didn’t. I could barely move from my living room chair to the bathroom let alone get ready and take part in 2 hours of intense activity. I promised myself I would go for a run instead, to make it up to myself, but I didn’t. I ended up falling asleep on the living room chair. I have to admit, it was a good nap.

Problem is, I woke up from the nap sooooooo hungry! Like, stomach growling hungry! Wtf?? I had eaten so much before I fell asleep and now my body wants more? Plus! Still having all kinds of abdominal pains. Ugh, the pain is becoming an issue but I don’t know why I have it.

It is an achy, persistent, throughout my entire lower abdominal pain, that I don’t know how to get rid of. 😦

Maybe it is from the cayenne pepper and green tea extracts I took yesterday in an effort to purge the food I ate? Which, fyi, didn’t work. It usually makes everything in my system rev up and it flushes out what I ate (I’m trying to not be too graphic or gross lol) but it didn’t do that…not sure if that means it has stopped working for me and I need to find something else or just increase how much I take?

So now I am more awake than I should be considering I need to go to bed soon, I still have abdominal pain, I still want to eat the other tub of ice cream, and I don’t know what to do. Despite being more awake my energy levels are still low, I think that is because every time I get up the pain becomes even more noticeable, it is making it hard to stand straight…should be an interesting shower…

corset

Balance

I am not a religious person but I do tend to believe that there is something out there keeping things balanced. Nobody ends up with only good things in their life and nobody ends up with only bad things. Sure, sometimes it is perspective, to me someone’s life may look all bad but to the person in it they probably find joy in something I don’t see and the opposite is true. How many of us look at celebrities and think they lead charmed, perfect, lives? But when you dig a little deeper you find out that they’ve had to deal with the deaths of those closest to them, or they never got to say a final goodbye to someone, or they can’t seem to find and stay in a happy relationship to save their life.

It is all about balance.

In my own, small and inconsequential life, I see the balance that gets meted out and I gotta say, it sure can suck.

I act. No, I am not hugely famous, or even a little bit famous, but I want to be. Not the point of this post though so let’s move on from that. The reason I am telling you this is because I got cast in a commercial two weeks ago and holy crap was I over the moon about it. I mean, yeah, I had anxiety and freaked out about not eating anything until after the shoot so I looked my best, but right now I’m not caring about that side of things. I am caring that I got booked in to a commercial, this is great for my resume and bank account, I managed to do this without an agent (practically impossible) and now maybe I would have a better chance of getting a new agent because I could show how even when on my own I am able to book gigs.

On what seems an unrelated topic, last Tuesday I helped a friend out with some tech stuff at her place. She is a baker and as a thanks for my help she baked some focaccia bread with olives, and herbs from her garden, in it. I knew before I went over she was doing this so I ate a banana in the morning and nothing else. I wasn’t sure how to track home made bread so I needed to make sure I didn’t go over my daily allotment of food by eating some of this bread. I was booked in to film the commercial Friday and had to be careful in those final countdown days to do nothing that might mess with filming day.

After I fix her tech we sit down with cups of tea and reasonably sized slices of her bread. It was freakin amazing! I’ve never tasted bread so good before and I am a bread-aholic so trust me when I say I have eaten a lot of bread.

As I am getting ready to leave she says she is sending some of the bread home with me. She ends up sending the remaining loaf with me! An entire loaf of bread, minus the two small slices we ate, coming home with me…not a good situation to say the least.

I swear to myself I am going to freeze the bread, if not all of it then at least most of it but what do I do? I end up eating some of it while still driving back to my place. Then I proceed to cancel my evening plans, hold the bread like it is some over sized donut, and eat. And eat. And eat. Until it is almost all gone. I put a small chunk back in the ziploc and sit there, overly full on homemade bread, wondering what the fuck I have just done. I drink some tea. I try to not focus on the fact that I just filled my body with more carbs in one sitting than it usually gets in a week and I go back and forth between trying to justify my actions and berating myself. Oh, and then I finished the loaf of bread.

A bit later I check my email and what do I see but an email from the producer saying my part of the commercial has been cut because it was deemed to dangerous to film. They said I was great, loved my audition, really wanted to work with me, and they’d keep me in mind for future projects.

Who the fuck cares about future projects when I want this project?!

And that my friends, is how the universe brings balance to my life. I got a part in a project all on my own, instead of staying the course so I’d be optimal for filming day I break down and eat a fuck-ton of bread, and that same day the job is taken away from me.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to escape my life.

Instead I went through the rest of my evening, I watched some tv, read a book, had a shower where I stood for ages letting the water pour over me and acknowledged I could feel the depression sweeping over me like a wave, pulling me down. I went to bed and realized I was now feeling nothing. Not tired. Not awake. Not caring.

The next day I got up and did everything by rote. Got ready for work, worked for 8 hours, came home, went to bed, all as if I hadn’t gotten devastating news that made me want to hibernate. I felt nothing. Cared about nothing. Appetite was gone, all I wanted to do was shut out the world.

I had brought this on myself. I had screwed this up. This was my fault and I have to deal with that and deal with paying the consequences for screwing up.

Balance.

It will be forced on me by the universe whether I want it or not, it is up to me to deal with it, and try to do better.

Since then I took some pills to get the bread out of me faster. Have restricted my food to make up for the binge. Went to my sports practice even though I didn’t want to. Went to a stupid art therapy class this morning even though I really didn’t want to. Done everything I was supposed to do. Not in the hopes of getting that job back, it is gone and I have to accept that, but in the hopes of balancing things out enough I get a shot at another gig sooner rather than later. Or an agent – that would be even better.

self hate

etheral

All The Emotions

For a while I was feeling alllllll the emotions, well, the negative unhappy ones, and then I binged on fresh from the oven cookies and now I feel nothing.

I am numb.

I am exhausted.

I am pretty sure under the numbness the binge brought on I am still pissed off and sad though…

My car got broken in to and some stuff stolen. My window is smashed into a million small pieces of glass, my iPod, multiple pairs of sunglasses (cause I’m that weirdo with multiple pairs) and my Kit Kat Crunchy bar are all gone.

Who steals that combination of stuff??

And whats weirder, who steals that combination of stuff but leaves the gps system, the stereo, the insurance that has so much personal info on it ID theft would be crazy easy to accomplish?

Idiots. Or children. Or both.

My car got broken in to and my stuff stolen by idiots who may or may not be children.

I hate people.

I thought I was handling everything ok. I reported to the RCMP. I called my insurance people. I acknowledged there is nothing more I can do today because all the shops were closed when this happened so I cleaned up the mess, emptied the car of everything else, taped up the window with a garbage bag, parked the car so the broken side is right up against the wall of a building, left all the little compartments inside open so anyone who looks in can see there is nothing in the car, put the club on my steering wheel, and am forced to leave it overnight and hope nothing else happens to it.

Tomorrow I will do all the calling to the shops to find one that can fix the damage and provide me with a courtesy car. Tomorrow I can take steps to fix this.

Tonight all I can do is sit, and feel alllll the emotions, and jump between unmanageable anger and tears, until I binged, and now I feel nothing except depressed.

I’m emotionally attached to that iPod, it was a graduation gift, and it is super old so not like anybody else will be able to use it…unless they kept one computer running with old operating software strictly so they could keep using that one old iPod…which I highly doubt.

Not like I can afford to replace the iPod either, so now I am music-less, not really a state I find comfort in. I use music to distract me from my thoughts all the time. When I exercise, when I’m walking, when I’m doing errands, driving, cleaning, random times I take public transit…I am never out of my place without that iPod…and now it is gone.

I want it back.

Obviously my wanting it back won’t get it back, but it doesn’t change that I want it. The best I can do is keep an eye out for someone trying to sell it on Craigslist, so my odds of finding it are slim to none.

I thought I was doing kind of ok when it came to handling things lately but this sent me over the edge in to cookie land. It would have been much worse if I could drive my vehicle and get to the store because all I really wanted was chocolate cake *rolls eyes* The cookies were a compromise. Gotta say, they did the trick.

not ok

All Over the Place

I have been all over the place lately with my food…some days eating an entire order of bread sticks and half a pizza, other days eating 1/2C of oatmeal and calling it a day. I can’t get a handle on it and frankly, trying to figure out how to get a handle on it is exhausting.

The other day I realized I had spent 8 hours thinking about food. It was Oscar Sunday and I usually let myself have something as a treat for my dinner when watching the Oscars. So while at work I kept thinking about what I was going to eat, I was jumping all over the place with ideas: pizza, sushi, ice cream, home made burger with fries, egg on toast…and more. I couldn’t decide because every item sounded delicious and as soon as I thought about it I wanted it.

I eventually decided on pizza, specifically half a frozen pizza I had in my freezer, because I could track the nutritional information, it would be a treat, and it would then be out of my freezer.

Well, something went drastically wrong when cooking it and it became inedible. Not like, a tiny bit burned or something, I mean totally not a thing that can be eaten any longer and I had to throw it out.

Not impressed.

No way in hell was I going to take time away from watching the Oscars to cook something and I now had pizza on the brain so I ordered in from Pizza Hut.

Why do I do that?? sigh.

One 9″ pepperoni pizza and an order of bread sticks. Really all I wanted were the bread sticks and a dessert from there but I was trying to show some level of restraint…as if pizza is ever showing restraint? *rolls eyes*

I ate half the pizza and alllll of the bread sticks. My god I love carbs, Mmm! Weirdly, they weren’t even that good, I just couldn’t stop once I started.

Then I was in crazy levels of pain…I’m having some gastrointestinal issues and eating in large quantities makes the pain from those issues flare up. Not cool.

The only up side I can see is it makes my ice cream experience from two weeks ago seem… wait, I was going to say “not so bad” but it was bad, it was a whole new low that mortifies me. I had a tub of ice cream and I made a rule I was only allowed to eat it when standing up. The actual ice cream was mediocre but the peanut butter and chocolate cups that were in the ice cream were super delicious so I stood at the sink and dug out the peanut butter and chocolate cups, letting the ice cream go down the drain.

Who does that??

sigh.

So yeah, all over the place food wise…don’t even get me started on the mini cream puffs from last week at work…

I learned yesterday ED recovery takes 3 to 7 years…I’m in week 7…that is just depressing…

And Again

Last night I stopped at the grocery store after work. A dangerous time for me. Its like buying at night time somehow brings out the binge monster in me. I can 100% say if I didn’t live alone I’d be a secret eater. sigh.

So yeah, was in the store, bought some normal stuff but also bought donuts and ice cream.

Fuck.

Then I get home, turn the kettle on to make tea and whatdoyaknow, the ice cream magically got opened. Go figure.

I knew, 100% knew, if I sat down with that tub of ice cream I would eat the entire thing. I could even see me, sitting on my living room chair, taking bites of donuts between spoonfuls of ice cream.

The vision of me doing that made me disgusted with myself while also making me want it even more.

So I made a new rule, I can only eat the ice cream while standing up in the kitchen. I wanted to eat the ice cream way faster than I was but it is cold (obviously) and I have to eat things like that sorta slow cause my mouth freezes super easy and makes it hard to eat. Yeah I know I am weird.

I bought chocolate and peanut butter swirl. Weirdly enough the actual chocolate ice cream is mediocre but the swirls of peanut butter and the mini pb chocolate cups that are in the ice cream are amazing so at one point I was mostly digging to find those. I think I could dump that whole thing out, dig out the peanut butter swirls and the chocolate cups, just eat those, and be a happy camper.

Wonder how many calories I would save doing that…

Not the point!

The point is that even though I would only allow myself to eat it while standing up I still managed to eat a lot of it. And when I say a lot I mean A LOT!

Then of course there were the donuts…I only had two but two, on top of the ice cream is bad enough.

If you are wondering why I only had two it is because that is all I bought. I knew I would eat however many I bought and even while I was in the store picking them out of the display case part of me was fighting the upcoming binge.

I didn’t want to binge.

I wanted to binge more than anything.

Obviously the side that wanted to binge won, as it always seems to do (eventually). But I guess if I couldn’t stop the binge at least I could stop it from being even bigger…does that make any sense?

Its like when you have a cut, you can’t make your body clot any faster so you can’t actually stop yourself from bleeding, but you can put a bandaid on the cut and help it be not so bad.

Afterwards I did not feel good. I went and showered and ended up crying in the shower, the only place I will cry since tears are hidden by water. Ending up sitting on the floor of my shower, being pummeled by water, crying, after eating a crap tonne of calories, was not how I envisioned ending my night.

I’d had such a good day up until then. Eaten healthy foods in quantities I was ok with. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what brought on this binge. It just sorta happened.

It is one thing to binge because something horrible happened, at least then you know why you are doing it. But this, this was just, I dunno…because?

“Because” is not a good enough reason but it is all I have right now.

I am so ashamed. So mad at myself. So depressed I once again engaged in this behaviour.

Mostly I am just ashamed.

ashamed

For Realsies?

Sigh.

I grocery shopped today. I bought a frozen pizza (pepperoni), a box of store brand macaroni & cheese (it is surprisingly better than KD), partial fixings for a binge meal for another day (the rest of the items can be bought at a different store for cheaper), cake mix, cheese, I think that’s it…I want to say I bought something healthy but can’t think of anything…wait! I bought two bananas!…purchased because (1) I like them and (2) I wanted to look like I was buying random forgotten things and not just binge food and thought bananas would help with that…as if anyone actually looked in my basket and cared *rolls eyes*

The pizza is gone, eaten in under 10 minutes, well, maybe 15 minutes as I waited a bit for it to cool.

The cake mix will be made and baked pretty soon.

I am doing my freakin best to forget the macaroni & cheese is in my cupboard.

I can’t do anything with the partial fixings for a different days binge meal.

The cheese has been opened and partially eaten.

I am trying to be grateful I didn’t also buy the ice cream I wanted, it was in my basket but I managed to put it back. I also put back donuts, cookies, a cake…sigh.

It is a good thing nobody does watch me when I grocery shop because I must’ve looked like an idiot. Picking something up, putting it back, walking to a different aisle, picking something else up, putting it back, staring for a good 10 minutes at the fresh baking wishing I could buy all the donuts but knowing I’ll hate myself if I eat them and knowing I would eat them if I bought them so all I could do was stare and not touch.

I weighed in today and gained 0.8lbs. Might as well be 80lbs with the way it made me feel. I was already in a bit of a slump but that weigh-in exasperated my unhappiness with my self and I’d say “wallowing in depression” is an accurate way to describe the rest of my day. Which led to a “fuck it” attitude. Which led to that grocery shopping trip. Which led to me devouring an entire pizza and then some.

I irritate myself.

hip