Category Archives: Binge Day

Bulimia or OSFED

Last week I got my diagnosis, sort of. I am either Bulimic or have OSFED. shrug. To be honest, I don’t really care what my diagnosis is. The doc said something about a sub-type restrictive, I wasn’t paying too much attention though.

He asked at the end of our appointment if I had any questions and I said no, I always say no when asked that by anyone, and inevitably I come up with a question when it is too late to ask. sigh.

I don’t understand how I can be labelled bulimic when I don’t throw up. I thought a core component of bulimia was throwing up…isn’t it?

I guess because I use laxatives and diet pills and exercise to counter act the food I binge eat those are being counted the same as throwing up…that is my best guess anyways. I’ve always wished I could throw up whenever I wanted, it seems a much more effective way to get rid of the food I binge on but I can never seem to manage it. Actually, that is a lie, I have very rarely managed it, but I never throw up a large quantity so I’m definitely not getting everything out, which makes it seem not worth the trouble. Plus, I like my teeth and don’t want them to rot out of my jaw due to all that bile eating away at them.

So here I am, a person who restricts daily, except for when she goes bat shit crazy and binges, and when she binges she then takes loads of pills to try to rush the food through her body, and who increases her exercise to try to mitigate the damage all those calories are doing to my body.

I don’t feel better having a diagnosis…not sure if I was supposed to feel anything by having it. I’ve read how some people become so attached to their diagnosis, it becomes part of their identity, I don’t seem to be having that problem here.

Guess that just goes to show how we are all different, shrug.

Today was a food gong show and I am so not happy with myself. ­čśŽ I was out of town (only an hour away) and was about to start the drive back but had to get gas, I was super hungry, as in that level of hunger that can’t be ignored. I wanted to ignore it because I was actually driving back in to town to attend a dinner with my team so I knew I’d be eating within an hour and a half or so, but I caved and bought some almond M&M’s.

Why do I do these things?!

I started eating them sooooo quickly while driving, it was insane.

I didn’t eat the entire bag, I managed to get a hold of myself and stop, but I’m not sure how many are left in the bag because while driving I sorta put the bag off to the side and tried to pretend it wasn’t there, then hid the bag in my glove box when I got to the restaurant, and left it there when I got home. ┬áMaybe I only ate half the bag, maybe three-quarters, maybe all but two of them, I just don’t know.

So there I was, feeling nauseous from the influx of chocolate and almonds and I was going to dinner. Ugh. We went to a Congee restaurant and I had no choice over what was ordered, the menu was pre-picked by our coach, and when I got there I was late so everyone kept pushing food at me so I could “catch up”. In situations like this I lean heavily on picking vegetables and shrimp, I don’t touch the rice, I usually don’t touch the noodles but tonight I did, and I took some of the beef and some of the chicken. It is all served “family style” so think Asian restaurant where all the food comes on platters that are placed on a large turning platform that is in the middle of the table and you take little bits of whatever. So when I say I took “some of the beef and some of the chicken” I literally mean two bites of chicken and about 4 bites of beef.

The good side to when we go to this restaurant is because it is expected you take a little bit at a time and put it on a smaller plate you never are expected to have a full looking plate and it is super hard for people to keep track of what you ate. So if I am strategic and time things right I can get away with only eating 3 or 4 bites of food the entire dinner.

Tonight I wasn’t strategic enough and ended up with more, and when I think about how I have no idea how anything was cooked or what was in any of the sauces or marinades I shudder. I imagine I ate over 1000 calories in that meal alone and that horrifies me.

It gets worse though.

We then went for coffee or tea and donuts after the dinner. It would have been worse and been ice cream but people wanted somewhere closer so to the coffee shop we went. I ordered a tea (that part is fine), and a Tim Bit (that is a donut hole). I thought it would make me look like I was blending in while everyone else was eating their cookies or donuts but it actually made me stand out because everyone thought it was so strange I ordered one Tim Bit and they kept commenting on it and teasing me about it. It didn’t actually bother me too much because that has been my go to for years, a single Tim Bit, you get the flavour of the donut with less of the guilt or calories.

When I got home it all came crashing down on me though. The M&M’s, the dinner, the Tim Bit. How can I fix this?? I couldn’t go running because (1) I’ve got this weird, super high level pain in both my hips that isn’t getting any better and is preventing me from running, and (2) it was really late, and dark, and chilly, and not safe to go out. Instead I pulled up workouts on YouTube and did some of those. I usually scoff at home workouts but this one got me sweating and moving a lot and it made my stomach feel better, like it moved the food along a bit faster. Thank goodness!

So now it is almost 2:30am, I am tired and going to bed soon, my stomach is growling which confuses me since I ate a lot today, and my hips ache and make me feel like an old person.

Not my finest day.

I guess though, since my one and only thought after dinner was how to get rid of that food, and throwing up is not a real option for me (though I keep trying), and my workout was specifically chosen to help mitigate the damage eating did, that counts as the purging part of the bulimia diagnosis?

I dunno…and like I said earlier, I’m not so certain I care. I’m not married to the diagnosis, or even to the idea of having a diagnosis. I wonder if there is a real point for me to have it, besides doctors being able to label me I mean.

Just one more thing to ponder I suppose.

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Don’t Cave

I want chocolate.

Chocolate cake to be specific, but let’s be real here, I’m a binge eater (when I’m not a restrictive eater) and I’d happily take any and all chocolate I can get my hands on. And hey, if there isn’t chocolate around I’ll just take food, all the food, any food, in large quantities.

Holy fuck do I want to binge right now.

dontbingedontbingedontbingedontbingedontbingedontbingedontbingedontbinge

I do not need to binge. I ate more food today than on a normal day, but not more than a normal Sunday. Sundays are my weird day because of my schedule, I eat breakfast, lunch, and sometimes dinner. If not dinner then maybe a snack. The breakfast and lunch I eat don’t change (oatmeal for brekkie, salad with grilled chicken for lunch). Not exciting but it doesn’t send me in to a giant stress ball so I’m happy to stick with it. If I eat dinner that can change, and actually varies widely. Some weeks I go high protein, other weeks I lean towards carbs, and then other weeks I eat something stupid like ice cream. *rolls eyes* The weeks I like best are the weeks I don’t indulge in dinner.

This Sunday I had my breakfast and lunch and when I got home I made dinner. It took about two hours, no, three hours, to convince myself to make and eat something and when I did I made scrambled eggs that I split between two mini tortilla wraps, I had spread a bit of light cream cheese on the inside of the wraps. Oh, and because I am supposed to be eating from all the freakin food groups each time I eat I ate a yoghurt. Yes I know adding a yoghurt doesn’t get me all the food groups but it gets me closer to all of them and sometimes you have to take the little wins.

After I ate I wanted to immediately get up and eat more food, which sometimes happens when I eat so I know to ignore it because it’ll go away.

Tonight it didn’t go away.

All I want to do is eat. I can practically see myself eating something, ice cream, toast, cereal, pretty much anything. I can envision it all and I want it all. Lucky for me I don’t have many foods in my place so indulging in this binge craving would require I go to the store and that is soooooo not happening!

I’m hoping by saying that so firmly I don’t cave and go to the store…

I think part of my wanting to binge is because I hurt and when I’m in pain I either want to eat for comfort or I don’t want to eat cause the pain is making me feel sick. My hips have been seriously aching for days. Yesterday it was so bad I took pain meds at work because I couldn’t function. Today isn’t as bad so I’m hoping by tomorrow it will have faded away even more, but just because its faded doesn’t mean it isn’t still there and it makes me want comfort type things…like food and heating pads. I am indulging in the heating pad, but refusing the food.

Logically I know that eating won’t make the pain better, all it will do is make me feel nauseous because for sure I’ll over eat and it will make me feel guilty and hate myself. So emotional pain on top of physical pain, not a good thing to do to oneself.

Does it count as personal growth that I realize the binge won’t help and am trying to fight against it?

Something else I have noticed is that some days when I eat more than normal instead of feeling fuller for longer and not wanting food again as soon I sometimes feel hungrier sooner and feel like I need to eat more often. What’s with that? I feel that if I eat, especially if it is me eating dinner (like tonight) that should fill me up and I shouldn’t want to eat, or feel the need to eat, until at least mid-morning tomorrow but my stomach doesn’t seem to know that and gets all growly and demanding before the evening is even over.

So not cool. ­čśŽ

I’m gonna go have a shower then go to bed early, sleep through this hunger (and hip pain). Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow the urge to binge is over cause I gotta tell you, if it isn’t, I just may end up going to a bakery after work tomorrow and then I’ll really hate myself.

in the moment

The Brink of Tears

I’m fairly certain that eating two eggs (scrambled) on a hoagie bun is not an activity that is supposed to make a person almost cry.

And yet…

I feel like it has been almost an entire week of failure. I had my massive binge last Sunday, then days of physical recovery from that, then I ate half a pack of cookies a different day, then I ate some cookies and ice cream last night, then today I ate food after coming home from work.

In my world these are all massive failures, and having them all happen in one week, one right after another, is messing with my head.

I’ve got to get a handle on things over here or I’m going to end up back in the land of binges multiple times a week and I can’t handle that. I just…I just can’t.

Normally I don’t eat when I get home from work, when I work an evening shift I don’t get home until around ten at night. Once I am home I shower, do random things, make some tea, and by the time I might even be slightly thinking of food I’ve decided it is too late and I’m not going to bother. Doesn’t matter if I feel hungry or not, I don’t eat. I used to, and I found that was one of my most likely times to binge, so I cut that shit out. My body got used to the not eating after work thing and I stopped feeling hungry when I got home, something I count as a win!

But this past week I have really fucked things up. All those random extra high calorie foods has got my body thinking it wants more food and it has the nerve to send me hunger signals. Signals I am scared I might not be able to resist.

You might be thinking whats the big deal, if you feel hungry than eat. But I’m scared that I will eat things like ice cream, or other high calorie disastrous foods that I don’t let myself eat and that whatever I do eat I will eat in large quantities because heaven forbid I know and follow things like proper portion sizes.

Those, fyi, are totally valid fears.

So tonight I was in my post-work shower and couldn’t figure out what I was feeling. I wasn’t sure if I was feeling hungry or if I was feeling like I wanted to eat but for reasons other than hunger. Maybe I thought I wanted to eat but I was actually just bored, or thirsty, or upset about something…I should be careful because no point in eating if I am not actually hungry but being tricked into feeling hunger, right?

I knew that my brain kept thinking about ice cream so I promised myself that if I was going to eat it would be an egg, maybe an egg on toast (which is how I usually eat an egg), but at least the egg. It has protein. It is healthy. I am allowed one a day and I haven’t had an egg in a while. Plus, if I was legit hungry than an egg is an ok option for taking care of that hunger. If I am not actually hungry well, an egg won’t cause too much damage, least not as much as say, ice cream.

I ended up scrambling two eggs and putting them on a toasted hoagie bun. I don’t know what came over me. All those carbs. TWO eggs in one day. Ugh. Broke sooooo many rules with that meal, and yet, I ate it.

After I ate it and there was no turning back from what I did I sat there, watching a movie but hardly paying any attention to it, and I wanted to cry. I kept thinking about how last week I would never have even considered eating something once I was home from work, even if I had felt hungry I wouldn’t have eaten something, and today I caved because I thought I might be hungry. And not only did I cave I ate something that isn’t a safe meal (though I suppose it is a variation on one) and I ate a way larger portion than normal. This is on top of eating dinner at work aaaaaaaaand some oatmeal before going to work.

That is three freakin meals in one day. THREE!

Now do you see why I wanted to cry?

I feel like a failure. I have let myself down. I am so depressed and I don’t see the point anymore.

I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat, disgusting, woman. I have rolls of fat. My stomach sticks out so far it is heinous. Every part of me is swollen, and pudgy, and gross. I swear it wasn’t this bad last week. That binge started me on a free for all that has resulted in me looking noticeably fatter already. How is that possible? Why does it take so much hard work, so much dedication, so much sacrifice, to lose even one pound, but I can gain so much of that lost weight back in one stupid week.

The scale, urg, the scale. I didn’t step on it today but I stepped on it yesterday and it showed I was the same, but it has to be lying because I can see what I look like and I am definitely noticeably fatter. ­čśŽ

So I sat there, post egg on a hoagie bun, realizing that I have just pushed myself farther away from my goal by caving and eating. ┬áRealizing that I was already noticeably fatter when I went to work today and now that I came home and ate some more food I am going to be even fatter tomorrow. Realizing that tomorrow I will step on the scale and will hate myself. Realizing that I am a failure. Realizing that I had gone so long without a binge, then I had one last Sunday and I am still dealing with the fallout from that binge. Realizing that what is the point of recovery when I’m still binge eating after all this time. Realizing that recovery may not be for everybody. Realizing I am freakin exhausted and I wish it was like it was before I realized I had a problem because I may have been engaging in just as many (or even more) bad for me behaviours but at least I was oblivious to just how much I was fucking up and could pretend what I did was normal.

This sucks. And I still want to cry. But I don’t do stuff like that so instead I’ll go try to sleep, at least when I am unconscious I am not aware of how much I hate myself.

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Mini Revelation

I’m laying in bed reading a book about eating disorders, it is called Eating In The Light Of The Moon and is by Anita Johnston. It’s pretty good, full of metaphors and stories and not overly preachy about how to get better an stuff. 

I just read a chapter about dreams and what they can tell us. The author talks about a dream one of her clients had and how it provided a break through as to why she engaged in a binge-purge cycle. 

The dream helped her realise that she would binge (and then purge) after her sister would criticise and put her down, or she perceived she did. 

I won’t go into all the details of the dream and the stuff the author wrote about it, but it made me have a tiny possible revelation. 

I had my sport team training this evening, we have a competition coming up so the practice was kinda brutal, which is fine, I’m not complaining, just explaining. 

We have some shitty air quality right now due to forest fires so myself, and some others were having trouble breathing. When we tried bringing it up to the coach she said to breathe deeper, basically to suck it up, deal with it, and keep going. I was really upset about (1) her lack of caring about the people she coaches , and (2) how much trouble I was having during practice – physically I mean. 

Normally I can find the strength to keep going, to give it my all, regardless of if I have been eating or not. But lately I’ve been having a harder time of it and tonight it was really bad. I think it was worse today because of the air quality, at least, that sure didn’t help!

So I left practice upset at my own physical weakness and at my coach for her not caring. 

I don’t know why her comment bothered me so much, she has always been mean, never pretended that she cares about us as people, we are just a means to an end to her. Which again, is fine, I’m not complaining. That is how she is so I just have to learn to deal with that. 

But I think that is the problem, I don’t deal with that very well, and when I got home I not only ate but I ate dinner (which was sorta planned so kind of ok) and then I ate two cookies and then I ate an unknown amount of ice cream right from the tub!

It wasn’t a full on binge, I didn’t eat till I felt sick, well, I felt a little sick but I think that was from all the sugar, it was nothing like my binge from last sunday. I wasn’t even sure why I was eating those foods (the cookies and ice cream), I didn’t really want them, wasn’t craving them, didn’t feel like I needed some crazy binge, didn’t even use the food as a distraction from hurting myself. I just kinda grabbed them and ate for a while, then put the ice cream back  in the freezer. 

I think, and I could be very wrong, but I think maybe I ate the ice cream (and cookies) to distance myself from my feelings from practice. Maybe I didn’t want to feel upset, and mad, and disappointed, so instead I ate for awhile.

Does that sound crazy? I feel like maybe it sounds crazy… 

I don’t know why I stopped before it turned into a full on binge, all I was doing was watching a movie so not like I was purposefully trying to figure out and work through anything. I am very glad I stopped though!

If this eating was an act of dealing with my disappointment in myself I gotta say it is super counter intuitive. There is no way eating cookies and ice cream is going to help me do better at my sport, in fact they will do the opposite! So I guess I better sort some shit out in my head to see if I can stop this from happening again. 

How I go about that though I’m not quite sure…

Pondering Stuff

So today was day two post-binge. It wasn’t as bad as yesterday but it wasn’t great either. I slept in, on purpose. That part was nice. I eventually had to get up because there were places I had to be and ya know, I need time to groom, shrug.

By the time I got up it had been 18 hours since I had last eaten. It would have been longer but I had a dinner meeting last night and it would have looked weird to be the only person not having something.

Side note, it was pointed out I eat slower than pretty much everyone on the planet, or at least at the table, and one of those people was a 6 year old child. But I did however succeed in making it look like I ate more than I actually did and getting the waiter to take away the uneaten food before anyone could really realize I had left most of my meal uneaten. Is it wrong that I feel proud of that?

Ok, back to the topic at hand.

There I was, waking up, it had been 18 hours since I ate, and I was not hungry. Not very shocking or odd actually, least not for me. I knew that I should eat something before going out though, since I wouldn’t be home for quite a while and I am trying to not go 24 hours or longer with out food. I mean, I like doing that, but I know that isn’t getting me closer to recovery so I am trying to ignore my impulse to do that and ya know, eat more often…gotta say, it sure doesn’t come natural!

I stuck with my favourite food, also not shocking, and made oatmeal. I was a bit worried that eating would kick start my hunger, or make me feel sick again, but it did neither. Just kinda left me neutral.

I still feel like I have gained all my lost weight back because of that stupid binge, and I still feel massive in my abdominal area, so I dressed to hide that area, but I don’t think my stomach is quite as poofed out and bloated as it was yesterday, so hopefully things are settling down.

Something surprising happened, when I woke up but wasn’t out of bed yet I rolled over and was on my side and I hurt. You might be all “crap, what did you injure now!” but not that kind of hurt. My ribs hurt from laying on them. I thiiiiink it is because I lost a lot of fat from around my rib cage area, and with less of a cushion it hurt to lay on them. And not hurt like “omg I am in so much pain” hurt, just hurt like “this is uncomfy, I must change position now”, only, I didn’t change position cause I kinda wanted to keep feeling that pain, because it made me feel like maybe there is hope for me to lose the rest of this fat since I lost enough in that area to make laying down in that position uncomfy. Does any of that make sense?

Probably not, sigh.

As a direct result of my Sunday binge I scaled back my calories a lot today. I ate my oatmeal, a protein bar when out, and an egg with two slices of turkey bacon on a piece of toast, when I got home.

That is a grand total of 542 calories for the day.

I didn’t even have as many drinks today as normal, though that wasn’t a plan, it was cause I was out and well, some days you just can’t manage to take in all your fluids, shrug.

Ya know, I started this post with a purpose and now I can’t remember what I wanted to write about, I managed to distract myself by my own writing lol

I’m still overwhelmed with thoughts about that binge, and with how sickly and in pain I felt from it. The fact that even now I am still having discomfort in my digestive track makes me hope I will be able to remember how bad the results of that binge were and help prevent them in the future.

I think another couple days of super low eating should get me back to normal. I’ve been scared to step on the scale, I can’t handle seeing what the number is, but I’ll probably step on it either Wednesday or Thursday morning. I’ll see how I feel Wednesday and if still not great I’ll give myself one more day. But only one more day, then I have to stand on it and face the damage. Let’s hope by then the number isn’t too high, though with the way I feel right now it probably will be, sigh.

On another side note…I just realized that I think I got through the worst of the post-binge sensations without caving and using any of my metabolism boosters or laxatives or excessive working out…basically I did nothing to try to purge the food…does that count as a win for the recovery side? I think so…I’ll have to ask my case worker and see…

The Pain

Can a person cause physical damage to their stomach, or other parts of their digestive system by the size, or speed, or length, of their binge eating session?

I binged last night. And not like a smallish, sorta manageable, have less guilt after, the next day seems normal, kind of binge. Ooooh no. Yesterday’s binge was a take no prisoners, leave no food behind, cause all the bodily pain and discomfort possible, feel all the guilt, have physical problems the next day kind of binge.

I have been feeling sick all day. Sick to my stomach. Sore throat. Headache. Trouble thinking. Distended abdominal area. Inability to eat. Painful abdominal area. Constipation. All of it and then some!

I wanted to call in sick to work today but couldn’t. Then I toyed with going in but saying I was sick and leaving early but I couldn’t do that either. We were short staffed and there was no one to come in. Plus, it is a stat today and I really need the time and a half. So I looked at being there as my punishment for my binge.

It was the longest 8 hours. After work I went for an hour fast walk with a work friend, then I showered and met for a meeting with two other people. During all of that I was feeling sick. I guess I looked it because people asked me if I was ok, when I said I wasn’t feeling well they said they could tell…which is the polite way of saying someone looks like crap. *rolls eyes*

It is almost 11pm, it has been over 24 hours since my binge, and I still hurt. My stomach is still distended. My abdominal area looks like it gained back all the weight I have lost! Not even an exaggeration, it is disgusting. I still feel sick to my stomach. My throat hurts because my stomach was so full yesterday stomach acid was coming up my esophagus. My mouth has been creating more saliva than normal, what’s with that?

Is it possible to cause physical damage from your binge session? Like, can you hit an overload point where your stomach just says “fuck it” and stops working because I feel like the food is still sitting there and it is causing me so many problems.

I am so mad at myself, so incredibly disappointed. I don’t know why I did it, but I sure as shit regret it. I need this pain and sickness to go away. I need the abdominal area to go back to being smaller. I need this to clear up because all I can think about, all I experience, all I feel, is connected to that binge and lemme tell ya, that is putting my head in a dark place I am not sure I know how to get out of.

Whyyyyy did I have to decide to quit my laxatives and other purging methods? I want to take a pill to move this whole thing along so badly buuuut I don’t want to feel guilt over caving and taking something when I am at a record length of time not using any of those methods. Plus, the last time I used them they caused similar physical sensations, bloated, painful abdominal area, weight gain, sick to stomach feeling. I’m scared taking them will make all of my physical problems even worse instead of better.

I am so frustrated I want to cry.

Think an er would pump my stomach and fix this problem if I lied and said I overdosed on something? I did technically overdose, on food, that’s a thing, right?

Binge

I’m writing this on my iPad, I hate writing posts on my iPad, and I’m using my whining as a last ditch effort to avoid talking about what I actually want to talk about…

I binged. This evening. I am laying in bed, I feel so incredibly sick, and miserable, and it is taking everything in me to not take my laxatives, or my metabolism boosters, or to try to throw up. 

On top of trying to resist doing any of those things I am also trying my damndest to resist hurting myself. 

Those things I just listed, the pills, the laxatives, the self harm, those are the only coping skills I have, I haven’t learned new ones yet. 

I don’t know what to do, I’m so incredibly upset with myself. I think this had been a record length of time without a binge and now I’ve fucked it all up. I was weak, and stupid, and I fucked up. 

Physically I feel sick, my stomach hurts, my stomach is distended, I have bile coming up my throat from being too full, I feel like throwing up but haven’t….yet…

Emotionally I feel sad, depressed, I’ve let myself down, I feel like a failure, I feel like screaming and yelling and punching something and fighting but I also feel like curling up in a ball and crying and hiding from the world until this passes…though right now it feels like it will never pass, I feel like I’ll be in this hell forever. 

Mentally I am berating myself, I am reminding myself over and over of all the calories I ate (roughly, I wasn’t exactly counting as I gorged on food), I have been restricting for so long and now all that work is thrown out the window. I have things to do tomorrow and I’m going to have to do them while feeling the physical effects of this binge and dealing with the emotional hangover that I always have from a binge, and I’m going to have to work twice as hard tomorrow to make up for the food I ate today. I keep telling myself how much I suck, how I must not want to be skinny badly enough, how I can’t even stick to my restricting plan, how I fail at everything and it’s no wonder my acting career hasn’t taken off yet if I lack the conviction to succeed at something as simple as losing weight. 

And because I have taken no action to rid my body of this food I want to hurt myself. I need to hurt myself. I deserve to be punished for the stupid act of binging and if I’m not going to punish myself by taking pills or throwing up then the least I should be doing is burning myself, or cutting myself, or making bruises, or something, anything!  By doing nothing it is like I condone the behaviour, which I don’t!

I’m so mad at myself. At my weakness. At my actions. 

And oh man do I feel sick to my stomach from all that food. Ugh. 

I hope I remember for a long long time how I feel right now so the next time I’m tempted to binge I can stop myself, and remember it is so not worth it.