Tag Archives: binge eating

Pain, Such Pain

Today didn’t start off bad but you know those days you think will go normal but quickly take a downward turn and boom! Food craziness! sigh.

I woke up with a headache, I almost didn’t get up and go out but decided the headache would be with me whether I got up or not so I might as well get up. I had to fill a prescription and the wait time was 2 hours. I wandered the store for a while, it was Costco, but had to leave because I kept thinking about their french fries. By this time I had eaten a protein bar so really, I shouldn’t have needed any food, but Costco french fries make me weak. *rolls eyes*

By the time I was leaving there and going home I felt…weird…I don’t know how else to explain it. I was hungry but not hungry…I had abdominal pain that I couldn’t explain…I wanted to eat but didn’t want any of my safe foods…I wanted to exercise but I was exhausted…oh, and I still had the headache.

All the way home I kept thinking of places I would stop to get food, not just any food but binge food. I have no idea why I was semi-planning a binge. I managed to get home without buying any food but had no idea what to make when I got home. I ended up making a box of macaroni and cheese and inhaled the entire thing. Ugh. Then I had ice cream. Then I had more abdominal pain, still had a headache, I swear my energy levels were even lower, and I still kinda wanted to eat. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to eat…

I was supposed to go to practice tonight but I didn’t. I could barely move from my living room chair to the bathroom let alone get ready and take part in 2 hours of intense activity. I promised myself I would go for a run instead, to make it up to myself, but I didn’t. I ended up falling asleep on the living room chair. I have to admit, it was a good nap.

Problem is, I woke up from the nap sooooooo hungry! Like, stomach growling hungry! Wtf?? I had eaten so much before I fell asleep and now my body wants more? Plus! Still having all kinds of abdominal pains. Ugh, the pain is becoming an issue but I don’t know why I have it.

It is an achy, persistent, throughout my entire lower abdominal pain, that I don’t know how to get rid of. 😦

Maybe it is from the cayenne pepper and green tea extracts I took yesterday in an effort to purge the food I ate? Which, fyi, didn’t work. It usually makes everything in my system rev up and it flushes out what I ate (I’m trying to not be too graphic or gross lol) but it didn’t do that…not sure if that means it has stopped working for me and I need to find something else or just increase how much I take?

So now I am more awake than I should be considering I need to go to bed soon, I still have abdominal pain, I still want to eat the other tub of ice cream, and I don’t know what to do. Despite being more awake my energy levels are still low, I think that is because every time I get up the pain becomes even more noticeable, it is making it hard to stand straight…should be an interesting shower…

corset

All Over the Place

I have been all over the place lately with my food…some days eating an entire order of bread sticks and half a pizza, other days eating 1/2C of oatmeal and calling it a day. I can’t get a handle on it and frankly, trying to figure out how to get a handle on it is exhausting.

The other day I realized I had spent 8 hours thinking about food. It was Oscar Sunday and I usually let myself have something as a treat for my dinner when watching the Oscars. So while at work I kept thinking about what I was going to eat, I was jumping all over the place with ideas: pizza, sushi, ice cream, home made burger with fries, egg on toast…and more. I couldn’t decide because every item sounded delicious and as soon as I thought about it I wanted it.

I eventually decided on pizza, specifically half a frozen pizza I had in my freezer, because I could track the nutritional information, it would be a treat, and it would then be out of my freezer.

Well, something went drastically wrong when cooking it and it became inedible. Not like, a tiny bit burned or something, I mean totally not a thing that can be eaten any longer and I had to throw it out.

Not impressed.

No way in hell was I going to take time away from watching the Oscars to cook something and I now had pizza on the brain so I ordered in from Pizza Hut.

Why do I do that?? sigh.

One 9″ pepperoni pizza and an order of bread sticks. Really all I wanted were the bread sticks and a dessert from there but I was trying to show some level of restraint…as if pizza is ever showing restraint? *rolls eyes*

I ate half the pizza and alllll of the bread sticks. My god I love carbs, Mmm! Weirdly, they weren’t even that good, I just couldn’t stop once I started.

Then I was in crazy levels of pain…I’m having some gastrointestinal issues and eating in large quantities makes the pain from those issues flare up. Not cool.

The only up side I can see is it makes my ice cream experience from two weeks ago seem… wait, I was going to say “not so bad” but it was bad, it was a whole new low that mortifies me. I had a tub of ice cream and I made a rule I was only allowed to eat it when standing up. The actual ice cream was mediocre but the peanut butter and chocolate cups that were in the ice cream were super delicious so I stood at the sink and dug out the peanut butter and chocolate cups, letting the ice cream go down the drain.

Who does that??

sigh.

So yeah, all over the place food wise…don’t even get me started on the mini cream puffs from last week at work…

I learned yesterday ED recovery takes 3 to 7 years…I’m in week 7…that is just depressing…

And Again

Last night I stopped at the grocery store after work. A dangerous time for me. Its like buying at night time somehow brings out the binge monster in me. I can 100% say if I didn’t live alone I’d be a secret eater. sigh.

So yeah, was in the store, bought some normal stuff but also bought donuts and ice cream.

Fuck.

Then I get home, turn the kettle on to make tea and whatdoyaknow, the ice cream magically got opened. Go figure.

I knew, 100% knew, if I sat down with that tub of ice cream I would eat the entire thing. I could even see me, sitting on my living room chair, taking bites of donuts between spoonfuls of ice cream.

The vision of me doing that made me disgusted with myself while also making me want it even more.

So I made a new rule, I can only eat the ice cream while standing up in the kitchen. I wanted to eat the ice cream way faster than I was but it is cold (obviously) and I have to eat things like that sorta slow cause my mouth freezes super easy and makes it hard to eat. Yeah I know I am weird.

I bought chocolate and peanut butter swirl. Weirdly enough the actual chocolate ice cream is mediocre but the swirls of peanut butter and the mini pb chocolate cups that are in the ice cream are amazing so at one point I was mostly digging to find those. I think I could dump that whole thing out, dig out the peanut butter swirls and the chocolate cups, just eat those, and be a happy camper.

Wonder how many calories I would save doing that…

Not the point!

The point is that even though I would only allow myself to eat it while standing up I still managed to eat a lot of it. And when I say a lot I mean A LOT!

Then of course there were the donuts…I only had two but two, on top of the ice cream is bad enough.

If you are wondering why I only had two it is because that is all I bought. I knew I would eat however many I bought and even while I was in the store picking them out of the display case part of me was fighting the upcoming binge.

I didn’t want to binge.

I wanted to binge more than anything.

Obviously the side that wanted to binge won, as it always seems to do (eventually). But I guess if I couldn’t stop the binge at least I could stop it from being even bigger…does that make any sense?

Its like when you have a cut, you can’t make your body clot any faster so you can’t actually stop yourself from bleeding, but you can put a bandaid on the cut and help it be not so bad.

Afterwards I did not feel good. I went and showered and ended up crying in the shower, the only place I will cry since tears are hidden by water. Ending up sitting on the floor of my shower, being pummeled by water, crying, after eating a crap tonne of calories, was not how I envisioned ending my night.

I’d had such a good day up until then. Eaten healthy foods in quantities I was ok with. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what brought on this binge. It just sorta happened.

It is one thing to binge because something horrible happened, at least then you know why you are doing it. But this, this was just, I dunno…because?

“Because” is not a good enough reason but it is all I have right now.

I am so ashamed. So mad at myself. So depressed I once again engaged in this behaviour.

Mostly I am just ashamed.

ashamed

For Realsies?

Sigh.

I grocery shopped today. I bought a frozen pizza (pepperoni), a box of store brand macaroni & cheese (it is surprisingly better than KD), partial fixings for a binge meal for another day (the rest of the items can be bought at a different store for cheaper), cake mix, cheese, I think that’s it…I want to say I bought something healthy but can’t think of anything…wait! I bought two bananas!…purchased because (1) I like them and (2) I wanted to look like I was buying random forgotten things and not just binge food and thought bananas would help with that…as if anyone actually looked in my basket and cared *rolls eyes*

The pizza is gone, eaten in under 10 minutes, well, maybe 15 minutes as I waited a bit for it to cool.

The cake mix will be made and baked pretty soon.

I am doing my freakin best to forget the macaroni & cheese is in my cupboard.

I can’t do anything with the partial fixings for a different days binge meal.

The cheese has been opened and partially eaten.

I am trying to be grateful I didn’t also buy the ice cream I wanted, it was in my basket but I managed to put it back. I also put back donuts, cookies, a cake…sigh.

It is a good thing nobody does watch me when I grocery shop because I must’ve looked like an idiot. Picking something up, putting it back, walking to a different aisle, picking something else up, putting it back, staring for a good 10 minutes at the fresh baking wishing I could buy all the donuts but knowing I’ll hate myself if I eat them and knowing I would eat them if I bought them so all I could do was stare and not touch.

I weighed in today and gained 0.8lbs. Might as well be 80lbs with the way it made me feel. I was already in a bit of a slump but that weigh-in exasperated my unhappiness with my self and I’d say “wallowing in depression” is an accurate way to describe the rest of my day. Which led to a “fuck it” attitude. Which led to that grocery shopping trip. Which led to me devouring an entire pizza and then some.

I irritate myself.

hip

My Streak Came To An End

Ok so I am at a record almost 3 weeks without having a binge. I am also sitting at a record almost 3 weeks of seriously craving having a binge session and not indulging it.

I feel like I am going crazy.

Today I was mad, for no reason, just mad. Well, I sort of had a reason, it was my weekly weigh-in (I weigh myself more than once a week but only track the weigh-in results from Thursdays) and I gained weight. Ugh. I gained 0.4lbs so ok yeah, not like I gained a tonne but this is after two weeks of being in a plateau and I’m about at my breaking point over here.

Going up on the scale made me mad, I normally deal with being mad by eating, well, here I am trying to not binge which meant I had no coping skills to deal with the anger I was feeling.

Cue wanting to binge even more…

I had an errand at Costco and after I grabbed the items I was going there for I most definitely detoured to the bakery section to see what they might have. In case you are wondering I wanted doughnuts, I want doughnuts more than I want my next breath, sigh. And not one doughnut but allllllllll the doughnuts. ALL the doughnuts!

They did not have doughnuts. 😦

I contemplated buying a pie or cake but they cost too much so I left them alone.

Then I got to my car and pulled up the Panago website, I really like their dessert bread sticks so I thought I’d order some for pick-up and grab them on the way home. While looking at the website I changed my mind and went to Pizza Hut’s site, they have this Hershey’s Chocolate Chip cookie that is freakin amazing, it is jumbo cookie size, the chocolate is melty, it is warm, it omg, now I want that freakin cookie even more, sigh…So good! I feel weird ordering just a dessert from there so I ordered for pick-up the cookie, some bread sticks, and a personal size pizza. I looked at the total cost of the order and couldn’t do it, I couldn’t afford it.

Ugh. Being poor sucks.

I thought about getting just the bread sticks and the cookie but managed to stop myself from placing the order. Instead I ordered sushi for pick-up and debated stopping at a neighbourhood bakery or going to Tim Horton’s.

Through all this all I really wanted were doughnuts. There are these glazed doughnuts from WalMart, 6 for $1, literally dripping glaze, those were what I wanted. I had no legit reason for going to WalMart and I knew if I went I would buy those doughnuts, so I was doing my best to not go there. Luckily WalMart isn’t really all that near to where I was or where I live so getting to one would have been going way out of my way and since I’m trying to not spend money on excess things that extends to not driving places unless I need to and I was trying very very hard to not classify buying binge food as a “need to”. I figured Tim Horton’s doughnuts are way better quality anyways, so if I was going to buy doughnuts I should buy the better ones, right?

I picked up my sushi, which, in case you are wondering, I ordered because putting a roll in to my mouth fills my mouth, making it seem like I am binge eating, even though the quantity of food I have on my plate is not at binge levels. It is to get the sensory feel of the binge without the calories. Sometimes it works, most times it doesn’t.

This time it didn’t.

I had tricked myself though! After I picked up the sushi I drove home, told myself that if after I ate the sushi I still wanted the doughnuts I could either walk to the local bakery or drive to the Tim Horton’s that is nearby. Nothing stopping me from going out again, right?

Wrong!

I am lazy, and for some reason once I am in my place I get very reluctant to go out specifically to buy binge food. I feel like everyone is watching me and knows what I am doing. If I buy it when I am already out and about that is one thing, but going out just to buy it, I don’t like doing that. So by getting myself home I avoided buying the much coveted doughnuts.

I thought this was a win till I raided my kitchen cupboards. Couple brownies, a package of cookies, some random chocolates, and other foods later, I remembered why having a binge is not a good thing.

I feel so gross. I feel so guilty. It didn’t take away my anger, it if anything, intensified it because now I am even farther away from losing weight.

Arg!

Why?! Why did I do it??

And not only why did I do it but why do I still want to be eating??

I forced myself to wait till a “normal” dinner time and ate a “normal” dinner. That wasn’t enough. I want more. I want to eat everything. I want to open another package of cookies even though the sweetness of the ones I ate is still making me feel nauseous. I want to go buy the doughnuts because they are what I have been wanting this entire time. I want to get a jar of peanut butter and a spoon and go to town. Ditto that but with Nutella. I want bread, in any and all forms. I want pastries goddammit. I want! I want! I want!

And yet, despite all that wanting, I am sitting here, typing, drinking endless cups of tea, feeling like I have a hole in my stomach and I can’t figure out if it is legit hunger or my stomach having trouble digesting all the crap I ate…and I am not eating.

I am not going back in to that kitchen and raiding more cupboards and eating more food.

I am not inhaling the other package of cookies. Or baking the pie I have in the freezer. Or baking fresh cookies, or a cake for that matter. Hell, I’m not even making toast.

Instead I am dealing with acid reflux, and a gurgling stomach, and self-loathing, and self-hatred, and guilt, and why did I think having a binge would do me any good?

Now I have to restart my counter for how many days I have been restricting and been good.

Fuck.

stop-eating

self-control

 

Flare Up

So apparently the stress of an upcoming first session at ED counselling makes all sorts of ED behaviours flare up to crazy levels. sigh.

This past week and a half I was either restricting more than I had been or wanting to binge eat soooooo much. I knew I was freaking out about today but knowing why I was going crazy didn’t help me to stop going crazy or stop the urges or stop the behaviours.

Why does self-awareness not help stop the urges and behaviours? Seems if I am going to be looking internally at myself and figuring shit out the least that could come from it is lessened ED behaviours.

I guess I am asking for too much *rolls eyes*

So this first 7 weeks is Education Group. Today was sort of an intro to what to expect for the entire 7 weeks as well as talking a bit about why we develop eating disorders, what purpose they can serve, things like that. The group is run by two people and they divided us up in to groups to work together on some little projects. I didn’t mind the two other people in my group but oh man there is a woman in the larger group that I wanted to smack. She is so full of anger and has what appears to be absolutely no control of her anger. Ugh. She is constantly muttering under her breath, swearing, making sharp angry movements and noises when something is said she doesn’t like.

I get it, this process is most likely gonna suck, and she learned today that there is no guarantee of recovery and even if you do recover there is a chance of relapsing and you can even get part way through recovery, say move from Stage 1 to Stage 2 and then relapse back to Stage 1 before moving forward again to eventually reach Stage 3. I don’t see why learning this admittedly sucky information necessitated her behaving so demonstratively and so immaturely.

I guess I shouldn’t judge her too harshly since it has only been one session, and I will try to have a more open mind in regards to her behaviour next week but I really hope she doesn’t keep acting like this.

On another note we are supposed to make sure we are nourished before coming to the session so that we are better able to learn and pay attention. Uh, hello, I’ve been restricting my food for years, I am perfectly capable of learning when malnourished lol I don’t usually eat before noon so no way am I eating before going to this session, it starts at 10am! Who eats that early?? They provide Boost and some sort of bar, maybe a granola bar, not too sure as I went nowhere near either item. If we don’t eat prior, or if we feel the need to eat we are supposed to help ourselves. We are also welcome to bring our own snacks and eat while in the session, as long as we aren’t disruptive about it.

I don’t know why but this strikes me as ridiculous.

Eating some sort of Boost drink or bar when I don’t have the nutritional information is so not gonna happen! And bringing a snack and eating it in front of others? No thanks! Or even just eating in general at that time of day? Nuh-uh!

I’m curious to see if anyone else eats something in front of the group…

hate

stress

An Email I Can’t Send

I’ve been going to these Monday night drop-in support meetings for a couple months now. They are a mandatory thing while I wait for my actual ED program to start. The program starts this coming Monday morning and I am freaking out!

When I had my intake meeting with my case worker she said if I needed anything I could contact her but I never have. I figure it was an empty offer, made to be polite ya know? That and I’ve been on my own with this whole ED thing for a lot of years, why would I need anybody? Except obviously I do or I wouldn’t be in treatment, *rolls eyes*.

Anyways!

I’m not good at asking for help, and I’m slowly (ok, not that slowly) going a little crazy over here so I started writing her an email. I can’t bring myself to send it to her, that is too big a step for me, but I thought I’d post it here since just the writing of it helped me calm down a bit.

 

Hi,

I don’t know if I should be emailing you about this, I’m not really sure I’ll send it…I remember back when we had our face-to-face meeting in your office, before I started coming to the Monday Drop-In meetings, you said if I needed someone to reach out to I could contact you.

I didn’t really think you meant it, I mean, you can’t have people randomly emailing you all day, you’d never get any work done lol I figured you said that the way people say “let’s do coffee!”, one person suggests it, the other agrees, then it never happens. But M (I think his name is M, from Monday night group, I’m super bad at names) mentioned how he reached out to you during the holidays and I thought maybe it wasn’t an empty offer after all? I dunno…

I’m going a little crazy over here and don’t know what to do…For the past couple weeks I’ve had a harder time than normal dealing with food and it is getting to the point where I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’ve tried adding in extra workouts, not eating, eating, reading, watching tv, cleaning, nothing distracts me and nothing calms me. Well, not completely true, I sorta burned my arm the other day and that helped, but it is a temporary fix, proven by the fact I’m in the same boat tonight as I was before I did that to my arm…It’s not a crazy bad burn or anything, nothing to worry about.

I can’t seem to pinpoint what is freaking me out. Normally when I am like this it is because something is freaking me out…not that knowing what that thing is actually helps the situation.

I’m just so, I don’t know! So mad at myself? Definitely irritated, as I have wanted to punch people for stupid little things for a week or so now. I want to binge. I want to binge so so so much but I know I’ll hate myself for it and I’m trying so hard not to but I don’t know what to do instead to deal with whatever the hell is bugging me subconsciously and not having an action to take to deal with whatever is going on is making everything so much worse. I have no outlet because I’ve taken away mine. Restricting isn’t helping either. I’ve noticed even though I didn’t plan it I’ve cut back on my food intake, not as low as I used to be but lower than what I think I’m probably supposed to be eating…though I tend to think the calorie amounts nutritionists say we should be eating are arbitrarily chosen and something to be altered to fit each individual person, but that’s a whole other thing.

I’m sorry, this is rambling, and ridiculous. I don’t know what I am looking for, help getting me out of my own head? Help calming my brain down? A quick fix to dampen my urge to binge so I don’t cave to the desire? There is nothing to be done, I just have to get through this on my own, I know that. I guess the idea there might be someone I can reach out to and ask for help was too tempting to resist but I can’t even bring myself to send the email because I don’t know how to ask for help. I only know how to be alone and deal with things by myself.

I’ll see you Monday, first day of actual treatment, and knowing me I’ll act normal, as if this little breakdown didn’t happen, and you’ll never know that I desperately needed someone to reach out to and chickened out from emailing you because I don’t feel like I am important enough to ask for or receive your help.

Bye.

full-core-area