Tag Archives: binge eating

My Line

Everyone has a line that when they cross it they go “shit, this isn’t good, I’ve gotta fix this”. Or something to that effect. I crossed my line so accidentally that I didn’t realize I had done it until the damage was done.

And now I feel I have to do something about it. Well, sorta. I felt more strongly about needing to do something about it yesterday, when the pain and injury were worse, today, as it is healing and less painful I’m not quite ambivalent but close to…I imagine tomorrow I’ll be even less inclined to take action…I wonder if eventually my line will move?

Maybe that is how it happens…you cross your line by accident, have a day of “gotta fix this shit”, then the next day comes, you realize the world hasn’t ended and you’re still able to function and are less worried, and over time your line moves, so that next time you get to that same point that caused panic only yesterday you don’t even feel a twinge of worry.

That should be unsettling, but I sorta don’t care…

This probably doesn’t make any sense, lemme explain.

I don’t cut myself, that’s not my thing, but I do burn myself, which when written down like this sounds horrible but it really isn’t. I make sure to not burn so bad I will scar, or impede my ability to function, I don’t burn myself where people will see, it’s not a big deal.

Except apparently it is? At ED recovery it got discovered by my case worker and my dietitian and they didn’t take it well. Not that they freaked out or anything, but it became this thing that required more meetings and talking, and it is what ended me up having to go see the shrink. They take it way more seriously than I do.

A couple months ago I burnt my arm more than intended, second degree, and ended up with a small scar. It is annoying and I don’t like it. I have extensive first aid training so I am able to competently tend to my own burns, but even with tending, I got that stupid scar.

I told myself I wouldn’t do that again. I wouldn’t second degree burn myself again, I’d not take the risk of another scar.

Notice I don’t actually care about being injured or what it is doing to my body, it is pure vanity driving this decision. That and if my case worker notices I am bandaged up again it might open up more intense discussions etc and ugh, no thanks!

Well, two nights ago I accidentally second degree burned my arm, different spot, but still…not good. I didn’t mean to, I swear! And I didn’t realize how bad it was until Friday morning when I was at work, I scratched my arm and hit this massive blister that is surrounded by smaller blisters and a hella lot of red skin.

sigh.

So I tended to it.

Today when I took the bandage off to wash the wound I discovered that the freakin massive blister that was hard only yesterday has burst (I probably bumped it and didn’t realize) so my chance of a new scar is pretty high. Oh, and infection, the chance of infection has increased also.

Yesterday, after discovering it, I was upset. Upset with myself for doing this. Even though it was by accident I was still upset. I don’t want another scar. The blisters are in a spot that make it easy to bump and cause more pain. I’m going to have to wear long sleeves for at least a week to keep the bandage hidden. Basically, I am upset because this injury will affect my day-to-day life for 3-14 days (depending on speed of healing). It is one thing to burn myself when the damage is minimal and I am not affected the next day but this, this is affecting me and I am annoyed by it.

The whole being upset thing caused me to seriously think about my whole burning myself deal and I was motivated to want to make changes to stop the burning. I didn’t know what to do and I just kept thinking I should talk to my case worker, tell her what I did, tell her I want to change, ask her for help. I don’t want to go on meds but maybe there is something else that can be done.

Today, with the blisters healing, the pain less noticeable, my being over 24 hours from the time of injury, I care less about stopping myself from doing this again. I am more inclined to think that since this was an accident it doesn’t really count and what is the big deal, don’t blow things out of proportion, stuff like that…which may be my brain trying to rationalize irrational behaviour so as to stop me from recovering (and if that doesn’t sound like a sentence made by someone who is in treatment I don’t know what does! lol)

But yeah, I crossed my line by accident, and now I’m wondering if my line will end up moving as a result…something to ponder as I go re-bandage my arm. *rolls eyes*

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War

I feel like I am at war with myself and I don’t know which side I want to win.

Lots of people talk about the whole eating disorder voice, how you have this voice in your head that tells you what you can and can’t eat or how much to exercise, or whatever – it is different for everyone.

But…I don’t really get that, I’ve never connected with that whole “voice in my head” thing. The choices I want to make, the rules I have about food and exercise, the way I look at food, it doesn’t sound in my head like a different voice trying to take over, it sounds like my voice, my thoughts, my choices, it is just me. Plain ‘ol me. Not some internal demon trying to take over.

I am the one making the decision to eat, or not eat, and if I do eat deciding what I will eat. I am the one in control. I don’t feel at the mercy of some voice in my head.

Sometimes this makes me wonder if I don’t really have an eating disorder, because I don’t identify with this idea of having a voice that sounds different than mine in my head.

This uncertainty, combined with my natural defensiveness and instinctive rebellion against authority is making this whole recovery deal a bit hard to grasp, or believe in.

Hence the war.

The dietitian I am seeing wants me to eat certain amounts of certain food groups daily, spaced out on a loosely timed schedule.

I don’t like it.

But do I not like it because I don’t agree with the plan on a nutritional level, or because I don’t like being told when and what to eat, or because I am feeling judged for how I do eat and feel like being given this framework to follow is a set-up for showing how flawed my choices are? They are all viable options for answers.

Every time I try to follow the plan the dietitian made I fail. Actually, not true, I managed it for two days, and I became permanently bloated, my abdominal area was distended, my stomach hurt all the time, I was miserable, so I stopped. I had to stop, what she wanted obviously wasn’t working. There is a flaw in her plan and no point in continuing with it when it is doing me damage.

That is my rational reasoning behind not doing what she wants.

I feel she won’t agree with that reasoning though…

This is getting off topic, mostly because I don’t really know how to put in to words what I am feeling, sigh.

I feel…

hmm…

I feel like I am at war, with myself, with my dietitian, with my case worker, with the world. I feel like I know what I want to look like and all I really want is help getting there but instead I have people trying to sabotage me and take me in the other direction.

I am getting fatter every day. I’m scared to step on the scale but I can see the fat in the mirror. I am losing some of my bones. I am getting rounder. I am contemplating joining a gym again even though I can’t afford it because winter is here and I won’t be able to run outside soon. I am terrified all the time, terrified to get dressed because any day now my clothes won’t fit. Terrified to look in the mirror because I am so fat and disgusting. Terrified people are going to start commenting on how big I am getting. Terrified my recovery team will somehow force me in to eating more – I’m not sure how they could, I’m out patient, and an adult, so they can’t force admit me, but the fear is there. I am terrified to be left alone near food because I feel I’m losing control and will just eat everything visible if given the opportunity. I am terrified that I’m losing my willpower. I’m terrified that I’m going to hurt myself again even though I said I didn’t do that anymore and I always keep my word. I’m terrified I’m going to get so desperate I’m going to pull out my laxatives and diet pills again, even though I said I’d stopped using them, because desperate times call for desperate measures. I’m terrified for the chest pains that come with the using of the pills, I’m more terrified that every day I am more and more ok with the chest pains coming back if it means the pills are working.

I am terrified.

And I hate it.

This battle is internal, and I don’t feel it is against some weird outsider voice that is in my head, it is against my own voice. The battle is me against me, the weak me and the strong me. The me that wants to be skinny badly enough she’ll do anything to get there, and the me that forgets the end goal and caves when she sees a pastry.

Why is how I think about food so wrong? Why am I supposed to look at it as fuel, or enjoyable, or as something that makes me healthy and strong? Why can’t the way I see food be ok?

If the things I think about food are my own thoughts, not some random voice’s thoughts, how do I know which is the right or wrong choice to make? When I think “I ate twice today, that is plenty, no more food for me” it seems like a perfectly rational decision. A decision that is my own. Not an invasive thought from my eating disorder. Just like when trying to follow the nutrition plan the dietitian gave me I struggle with doing what she wants because my thinking doesn’t align with hers and why is my thinking wrong and hers right?

I know I am not making sense, I told you I don’t know how to put what I am feeling in to words *rolls eyes*

Maybe I’ll figure out a better way to describe what I am feeling another day, shrug.

For now I guess I’ll just stay confused and at war.

Just Stop

Can people I know just stop dying, please, for like a week or so, because seriously man, I need time to catch up on all the grief I am feeling…or should I say trying to not feel cause who has time to grieve when people keep dying?

Ugh.

I feel like a selfish brat being all me-me-me while people are dying but ya know what, they don’t feel anything anymore, it is the people left behind who have to figure out how to process all the shitty feelings and some days there is just too much to process and you end up wanting to shut your eyes, cover your ears, and yell out la-la-la-I-can’t-hear-you! until it all goes away.

Ironically, the person has already gone away, forever, it is the feelings that won’t go anywhere until you either stuff em down with food, or alcohol, or drugs, or some other numbing system or you, ya know, deal with them…which is not a thing I know how to do.

Normally I am dealing with one dead person at a time so while it sucks balls it doesn’t overwhelm like now. But right now I’ve got one dead person, one going to die any minute person, one grieving person because someone they know died, and one more person who could go either way (dead or back to some semblance of living, though the quality of life they would have is suspect).

sigh.

I know I’m coming across as glib but that is the only way I can deal right now. I have no appetite, but when I am around food I find myself eating out of reflex since usually I manage high emotional situations with binges, so I’m trying to stay away from food so I don’t mindlessly binge. I don’t mind the restricting, I could definitely use some low cal days to counteract some higher cal days last week, and the week prior, aaaaaand ok fine, the week before that too.

My eating has not been on point ok?

Now it is getting worse and I kinda don’t care. Thanks to some of the stuff I’ve learned in recovery I sometimes know the choices I am making aren’t the right one, or the healthy one, and I sometimes stand in the kitchen and think “the dietitian would want me to do this” but then my brain goes “but you’d rather do that” and more often than not I go with what I want, not what my dietitian would want, cause ya know what, it’s my life and should be my choice and her choices are making me fatter, so fuck that.

I know the mere act of living involves dealing with death, and yes I know there is no getting around that, but oh man does it suck. And going back to the selfish thing, I could really use a bit of a break from the death part of life, even if just for a short amount of time, if only to stop me feeling like I am drowning and can’t get my head above water for anything beyond a quick desperate gasp of air.

drowning 2

Don’t Cave

I want chocolate.

Chocolate cake to be specific, but let’s be real here, I’m a binge eater (when I’m not a restrictive eater) and I’d happily take any and all chocolate I can get my hands on. And hey, if there isn’t chocolate around I’ll just take food, all the food, any food, in large quantities.

Holy fuck do I want to binge right now.

dontbingedontbingedontbingedontbingedontbingedontbingedontbingedontbinge

I do not need to binge. I ate more food today than on a normal day, but not more than a normal Sunday. Sundays are my weird day because of my schedule, I eat breakfast, lunch, and sometimes dinner. If not dinner then maybe a snack. The breakfast and lunch I eat don’t change (oatmeal for brekkie, salad with grilled chicken for lunch). Not exciting but it doesn’t send me in to a giant stress ball so I’m happy to stick with it. If I eat dinner that can change, and actually varies widely. Some weeks I go high protein, other weeks I lean towards carbs, and then other weeks I eat something stupid like ice cream. *rolls eyes* The weeks I like best are the weeks I don’t indulge in dinner.

This Sunday I had my breakfast and lunch and when I got home I made dinner. It took about two hours, no, three hours, to convince myself to make and eat something and when I did I made scrambled eggs that I split between two mini tortilla wraps, I had spread a bit of light cream cheese on the inside of the wraps. Oh, and because I am supposed to be eating from all the freakin food groups each time I eat I ate a yoghurt. Yes I know adding a yoghurt doesn’t get me all the food groups but it gets me closer to all of them and sometimes you have to take the little wins.

After I ate I wanted to immediately get up and eat more food, which sometimes happens when I eat so I know to ignore it because it’ll go away.

Tonight it didn’t go away.

All I want to do is eat. I can practically see myself eating something, ice cream, toast, cereal, pretty much anything. I can envision it all and I want it all. Lucky for me I don’t have many foods in my place so indulging in this binge craving would require I go to the store and that is soooooo not happening!

I’m hoping by saying that so firmly I don’t cave and go to the store…

I think part of my wanting to binge is because I hurt and when I’m in pain I either want to eat for comfort or I don’t want to eat cause the pain is making me feel sick. My hips have been seriously aching for days. Yesterday it was so bad I took pain meds at work because I couldn’t function. Today isn’t as bad so I’m hoping by tomorrow it will have faded away even more, but just because its faded doesn’t mean it isn’t still there and it makes me want comfort type things…like food and heating pads. I am indulging in the heating pad, but refusing the food.

Logically I know that eating won’t make the pain better, all it will do is make me feel nauseous because for sure I’ll over eat and it will make me feel guilty and hate myself. So emotional pain on top of physical pain, not a good thing to do to oneself.

Does it count as personal growth that I realize the binge won’t help and am trying to fight against it?

Something else I have noticed is that some days when I eat more than normal instead of feeling fuller for longer and not wanting food again as soon I sometimes feel hungrier sooner and feel like I need to eat more often. What’s with that? I feel that if I eat, especially if it is me eating dinner (like tonight) that should fill me up and I shouldn’t want to eat, or feel the need to eat, until at least mid-morning tomorrow but my stomach doesn’t seem to know that and gets all growly and demanding before the evening is even over.

So not cool. 😦

I’m gonna go have a shower then go to bed early, sleep through this hunger (and hip pain). Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow the urge to binge is over cause I gotta tell you, if it isn’t, I just may end up going to a bakery after work tomorrow and then I’ll really hate myself.

in the moment

Pondering Stuff

So today was day two post-binge. It wasn’t as bad as yesterday but it wasn’t great either. I slept in, on purpose. That part was nice. I eventually had to get up because there were places I had to be and ya know, I need time to groom, shrug.

By the time I got up it had been 18 hours since I had last eaten. It would have been longer but I had a dinner meeting last night and it would have looked weird to be the only person not having something.

Side note, it was pointed out I eat slower than pretty much everyone on the planet, or at least at the table, and one of those people was a 6 year old child. But I did however succeed in making it look like I ate more than I actually did and getting the waiter to take away the uneaten food before anyone could really realize I had left most of my meal uneaten. Is it wrong that I feel proud of that?

Ok, back to the topic at hand.

There I was, waking up, it had been 18 hours since I ate, and I was not hungry. Not very shocking or odd actually, least not for me. I knew that I should eat something before going out though, since I wouldn’t be home for quite a while and I am trying to not go 24 hours or longer with out food. I mean, I like doing that, but I know that isn’t getting me closer to recovery so I am trying to ignore my impulse to do that and ya know, eat more often…gotta say, it sure doesn’t come natural!

I stuck with my favourite food, also not shocking, and made oatmeal. I was a bit worried that eating would kick start my hunger, or make me feel sick again, but it did neither. Just kinda left me neutral.

I still feel like I have gained all my lost weight back because of that stupid binge, and I still feel massive in my abdominal area, so I dressed to hide that area, but I don’t think my stomach is quite as poofed out and bloated as it was yesterday, so hopefully things are settling down.

Something surprising happened, when I woke up but wasn’t out of bed yet I rolled over and was on my side and I hurt. You might be all “crap, what did you injure now!” but not that kind of hurt. My ribs hurt from laying on them. I thiiiiink it is because I lost a lot of fat from around my rib cage area, and with less of a cushion it hurt to lay on them. And not hurt like “omg I am in so much pain” hurt, just hurt like “this is uncomfy, I must change position now”, only, I didn’t change position cause I kinda wanted to keep feeling that pain, because it made me feel like maybe there is hope for me to lose the rest of this fat since I lost enough in that area to make laying down in that position uncomfy. Does any of that make sense?

Probably not, sigh.

As a direct result of my Sunday binge I scaled back my calories a lot today. I ate my oatmeal, a protein bar when out, and an egg with two slices of turkey bacon on a piece of toast, when I got home.

That is a grand total of 542 calories for the day.

I didn’t even have as many drinks today as normal, though that wasn’t a plan, it was cause I was out and well, some days you just can’t manage to take in all your fluids, shrug.

Ya know, I started this post with a purpose and now I can’t remember what I wanted to write about, I managed to distract myself by my own writing lol

I’m still overwhelmed with thoughts about that binge, and with how sickly and in pain I felt from it. The fact that even now I am still having discomfort in my digestive track makes me hope I will be able to remember how bad the results of that binge were and help prevent them in the future.

I think another couple days of super low eating should get me back to normal. I’ve been scared to step on the scale, I can’t handle seeing what the number is, but I’ll probably step on it either Wednesday or Thursday morning. I’ll see how I feel Wednesday and if still not great I’ll give myself one more day. But only one more day, then I have to stand on it and face the damage. Let’s hope by then the number isn’t too high, though with the way I feel right now it probably will be, sigh.

On another side note…I just realized that I think I got through the worst of the post-binge sensations without caving and using any of my metabolism boosters or laxatives or excessive working out…basically I did nothing to try to purge the food…does that count as a win for the recovery side? I think so…I’ll have to ask my case worker and see…

The Pain

Can a person cause physical damage to their stomach, or other parts of their digestive system by the size, or speed, or length, of their binge eating session?

I binged last night. And not like a smallish, sorta manageable, have less guilt after, the next day seems normal, kind of binge. Ooooh no. Yesterday’s binge was a take no prisoners, leave no food behind, cause all the bodily pain and discomfort possible, feel all the guilt, have physical problems the next day kind of binge.

I have been feeling sick all day. Sick to my stomach. Sore throat. Headache. Trouble thinking. Distended abdominal area. Inability to eat. Painful abdominal area. Constipation. All of it and then some!

I wanted to call in sick to work today but couldn’t. Then I toyed with going in but saying I was sick and leaving early but I couldn’t do that either. We were short staffed and there was no one to come in. Plus, it is a stat today and I really need the time and a half. So I looked at being there as my punishment for my binge.

It was the longest 8 hours. After work I went for an hour fast walk with a work friend, then I showered and met for a meeting with two other people. During all of that I was feeling sick. I guess I looked it because people asked me if I was ok, when I said I wasn’t feeling well they said they could tell…which is the polite way of saying someone looks like crap. *rolls eyes*

It is almost 11pm, it has been over 24 hours since my binge, and I still hurt. My stomach is still distended. My abdominal area looks like it gained back all the weight I have lost! Not even an exaggeration, it is disgusting. I still feel sick to my stomach. My throat hurts because my stomach was so full yesterday stomach acid was coming up my esophagus. My mouth has been creating more saliva than normal, what’s with that?

Is it possible to cause physical damage from your binge session? Like, can you hit an overload point where your stomach just says “fuck it” and stops working because I feel like the food is still sitting there and it is causing me so many problems.

I am so mad at myself, so incredibly disappointed. I don’t know why I did it, but I sure as shit regret it. I need this pain and sickness to go away. I need the abdominal area to go back to being smaller. I need this to clear up because all I can think about, all I experience, all I feel, is connected to that binge and lemme tell ya, that is putting my head in a dark place I am not sure I know how to get out of.

Whyyyyy did I have to decide to quit my laxatives and other purging methods? I want to take a pill to move this whole thing along so badly buuuut I don’t want to feel guilt over caving and taking something when I am at a record length of time not using any of those methods. Plus, the last time I used them they caused similar physical sensations, bloated, painful abdominal area, weight gain, sick to stomach feeling. I’m scared taking them will make all of my physical problems even worse instead of better.

I am so frustrated I want to cry.

Think an er would pump my stomach and fix this problem if I lied and said I overdosed on something? I did technically overdose, on food, that’s a thing, right?

I Over Compensate

If I eat something that isn’t a safe food, or a higher quantity of food (safe or not) I struggle. And in that struggle I find I automatically cut back on all food to compensate. I think it is something I have done for a long time, but only really noticed recently. Probably because it is only recently I started working at dissecting what I do in regards to food.

So, I noticed this, and mentioned it to my nutritionist, and it disturbed her, and it made me feel like I am in trouble, and that maybe it isn’t a normal or ok thing to do.

This weekend I was away with my sports team competing. I was gone from Friday late afternoon to Sunday late afternoon. That is a lot of meals outside of my routine and comfort zone!

Weekends like this usually turn in to a binge fest for me, but only sort of…I usually eat a fuck load of food, but not like I am sitting there with ice cream dripping down my face because I am constantly in the company of my team. It is always a struggle.

This weekend I went in to the weekend thinking maybe I could be ok, maybe I could manage to either eat more like a normal person, or at least restrict instead of over eat – in my world restricting is always the better option.

It didn’t work. I can’t say I managed either of my options.

I was ok with what I chose for Friday dinner because I had iron-fist control over all my food up to that point so I had eaten almost nothing to accommodate a restaurant meal.

Saturday was the competition and right up until dinner I did ok. I took my standard breakfast food with me, so I had that as a safe meal, and I ordered a really basic turkey sandwich for lunch that I could easily and accurately track, so again, that was ok. But then dinner happened. I won’t go in to details but lets just say it involved pizza, multiple desserts, gummy candies, and more.

Sunday was brunch. I had a plan, I got a made to order omelette and fresh fruit. That was all I was going to eat but then a teammate grabbed me a hash brown and I know it sounds stupid to say there was peer pressure to eat a hash brown, but there was. Normal people would eat it without a problem, and she wasn’t going to stop bugging me till I tried it. So I tried it, and it was freaking amazing. That started a downward spiral that consisted of more hash browns, waffles, and other brunch type foods. The scariest part of it was I could feel my control slipping. I wanted a stack of waffles, a bowl of fruit loops, more eggs, I wanted the fried potatoes, I wanted everything! I wanted it all, in large quantities, and covered in syrup, and I could see myself doing just that. I could see myself loading a plate and gorging myself on all that food.

I managed to not completely lose control but that fear has been with me the rest of the day. It is combined with the fear of “omg, how many pounds of weight have I put on since Friday” and “what if I am starting another binge cycle” and “I swear I am fatter in the mirror and my cheekbones and rib cage, and collar bones are not as prominent anymore”.

Lots of fear.

To deal with this fear I told myself I wouldn’t eat the rest of the day. When I made this promise to myself it was easy to do because I was still super full feeling from brunch and didn’t want anything. But now it is almost 10pm, I ate roughly 12 hours ago, and I think I am starting to feel a bit hungry, and I have no idea what to do.

Part of me wants to just go to bed and sleep through the hunger, I have an early shift at work tomorrow so this is a perfectly reasonable choice to me.

Part of me says I should have a light snack because 12 hours between meals is not what I am supposed to be doing and if I don’t eat until breakfast tomorrow it will actually be more like 21 hours and if 12 hours isn’t ok then 21 hours for sure is a no-no.

Part of me says eating so close to going to bed is not recommended…though I don’t know who says that…

Part of me says going to bed hungry means you don’t sleep as well…also not sure where I heard that one…

I think maybe my choice to not eat anything was not the best choice…maybe it wasn’t actually my choice but my eating disorder’s choice?…and if that is the case then I should fight it…but then I get stumped on what, if anything I should eat, because I am sure I have eaten more than my normal amount of calories for the day, and if I have, then shouldn’t I stop eating because I shouldn’t go over my calories, right? I’m not sure which is the right option, eating a snack and going over my calories for the day, or not eating something and going a long time between meals…

not hungry

Just gotta keep telling myself this…