Tag Archives: confused

About Thursday

I am writing this a day after Thursday, in the hopes of getting past, or over, or at least somehow in the process of dealing with, the shock of the 5 year anniversary. (Yesterday’s post)

Thursday was an odd day.

I had a binge. A huge binge. Larger than I have had in a long time. It wasn’t as big as it could have been. I had other food I was also going to eat but somehow managed to talk myself out of it.

Then I was horrifically full so didn’t eat for um, 8.5 hours or so.

I wasn’t going to eat again at all that day but I had practice and I am trying to stick with the whole “eat before and after working out or engaging in a physical activity” rule. sigh. I hate that rule.

Obviously I didn’t eat right before practice, what with all the food that was still in my stomach digesting – which side note, despite very much wanting to I did not take any laxatives or diet pills to rush the food out of me – a miracle if ever there was one.

I’d like to take some credit for that but I only refrained because I know that the side effects from those pills would have hit when I was at practice and oh wow would that not be good.

So…no pills…but lots of food in the tummy…

Then I went to practice, had a decent workout, and when it was all done wanted ice cream. What the fuck?! *rolls eyes* My brain was all “you already fucked up today, if ever there is gonna be a day to eat the ice cream it is today!” but it was also saying “sure you ate a tonne earlier but you just finished practice so you burned a bunch of that off which means you have room to eat more”

I would like to point out that both those arguments are flawed, and yet, both feel so valid.

The whole drive home I was arguing with myself if I was going to get ice cream. If I wasn’t going to get it did I want to stop somewhere else and pick up something ready made to eat for dinner? Did I want to just grab the McFlurry and be done with it? Did I want to make something to eat at home? Or should I just not eat?

Don’t you love how I go from eating ice cream to eating nothing, like middle options don’t count or something.

In the end I went home, with the fairly solid plan of not eating because I was definitely over my calories for the day so my body doesn’t need any more food in it. If it is hungry from practice, which it shouldn’t be, then it can feed itself from the food I already put in it.

After my shower though I remembered a talk with my one-on-one counsellor and how we talked about post-workout nutrition and how it is important.

Ugh. Sometimes I hate when those talks pop back up in my head because they make it harder to convince myself restricting is the right choice and some days I really want to restrict because oh my god all the food in me from earlier!! Ack! But, I know he is right, and I am wrong, so I remembered what we talked about. I remembered about fueling my body, and taking care of it, and how if I don’t give it what it needs post-workout than tomorrow will be harder, and my workout tomorrow will be harder, and I’ll be more prone to injury and exhaustion, and well, I kept remembering a lot of stuff.

Eventually all that remembering kicked my ass in to gear and I made something to eat. And not even my normal food, which would have been a protein smoothie bowl or an egg with some toast.

Nope. I went out of my comfort zone by so freakin much. I have no idea why, it just felt like the night to try…to be honest I think because I still felt like such a screw up from my earlier binge that I figured if I’m gonna eat something higher calorie than my normal post practice meal I might as well go completely off plan. So, not the best reasoning for why to try something new but whatever.

I cooked a beef burger patty, and topped it with cheese, because oh yeah, apparently I eat cheese sometimes now! How the fuck did that happen?!  (I’m gonna get so fat…no! no, in moderation it might be ok…right?) Aaaaaand I made these things, I don’t know what to call them, they are like tater tots but made of broccoli and cheese.

I bought them I don’t even know how long ago and they have been in my freezer ever since. I’ve been too scared to try them because (1) what if I don’t like them and I’m stuck with them or (2) even worse, what if I like them and eat them too often, or too many at a time, and do I really want to risk having yet one more food that I know about, and like, that I have to put on my “not allowed” list, cause you know that is where most foods end up. sigh.

Food stuff is so hard.

So yeah, the package said 6 was a serving, so I cooked 6 of them.

That means I ate a burger patty with some cheese melted on top and 6 broccoli & cheese tot things.

Can that be any farther from something I am comfortable eating?

And omg, later I ate 10 crackers so I got my freakin grain component.

What has come over me…

Oh, and one last thing for the day, our drop-in group on Monday is cancelled cause of the holiday so I actually reached out to the friends I made in group that I hang with sometimes and asked if any of them would be interested in chilling that day, sort of our own group thing, so we don’t miss that Monday connection we usually have. And two of them have said yes! I thought for sure they’d be all “omg do we not see enough of you already, back the fuck off woman!” but no, they actually seem happy with the idea. Not everyone has responded yet so some of them may be all “back the fuck off”, but not all of them are…I’m assuming it is more the need to stick to routine and take care of their own recovery than any actual desire to hang out with me but that’s ok, shrug, I can deal with that.

I’m trying to tally the day, in a recovery positive way, and here is what I have:

Bad Shit:

I had a binge

Good Shit:

I stopped the binge before it got even worse than it was.

I didn’t take any pills etc. to purge after the binge.

I didn’t bail on my practice and avoid humanity because of my binge.

I initially restricted after the binge due to being sooooo full but after practice I made and cooked a meal.

The meal I cooked had all 4 food groups, contained red meat (something I never eat), contained a completely new to me food, had cheese, and I willingly ate a serving of carbs.

I didn’t purge the dinner I made.

I reached out to friends to make arrangements to help us all have support on a day when I knew we would be lacking it.

So, it would seem the Good tally is winning, wouldn’t you say?

Now, I will be the first to admit I could be very wrong here. Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten the post practice dinner because of how much I consumed earlier. I don’t know all the new rules, and I get confused a lot about what to do, what is the right decision, and I most likely made the wrong one here. But even if it is wrong, I made a decision, and I stuck with it, no matter what the consequences were. And at the end of the day I guess that is the best I can do.

(I feel I should point out I wrote that last paragraph like it is no big deal but I was freaking out. Totally and absolutely freaking out about having eaten that dinner, having the food in my tummy, taking in even more calories. I have been doing so well lately with not eating too much and Thursday totally blew that out of the water. So ya know, panic, in spades. But I still didn’t go for the pills, or for a late night run, instead I drank some water and went to bed. Please let that be a sign of progress cause if it isn’t then this internal drama sooooo isn’t worth it! Just sayin’)

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Snow Shoeing

Some friends and I went snow shoeing the other day. Normally when I go snow shoeing, or hiking, I go alone, so going with three other people was an oddity for me. I was freaking out about how I was going to be the slowest, the least fit, the one panting for breath, the one struggling to get up the side of the mountain, the one holding every body else back, the one the others wished didn’t come.

I wanted to cancel.

But I didn’t.

I did, in the week leading up to the day, send joking type comments to our group chat about how I’d be the one left for the wild animals to eat if something starts hunting us. Things like that. We were all joking and teasing but my sub-text for those messages was to remind them I am not in as good of shape as they are. I wanted to lower their expectations of me.

Turns out I was actually fine. I was able to keep up, even led the group for part of the trail. I was pretty much matching them for fitness level, I think I was actually in better shape than one of them.

How in hell did that happen? I mean yeah I go the gym and I have my team practices (of which I had one that morning), but I am woefully out of shape.

The next day we are all messaging in our group chat and they are comparing sore thighs, and calves, and glutes, and hamstrings, and I’m silent because nothing hurts. I’m fine. And I don’t mean that in my defensive saying I am fine when I’m really not kind of way. I really am fine. Nothing hurts, nothing got pulled, I don’t feel like I need a rest day, or extra time to recover, I just went about my normal day and was fine. I did feel a bit hungrier than normal which was annoying…but that was the only thing I noticed.

This happens after my team practice, others will be talking about sore muscles, how tired they are, things like that, and usually I am silent because I don’t feel that pain or level of tired and I always assume it is because I am not working hard enough, not putting in as much of an effort as everyone else, not doing my technique properly and therefore not using my muscles the same way as everyone else. So as they are chatting about sore muscles an stuff I’m wondering if I did something wrong because I don’t feel like that but then I realized that it was freakin snow shoeing, there is no right or wrong way. We all did the same thing, went at the same pace, climbed the same distance.

How could I do that wrong, or not the same as the others?

I don’t think I could have…which means I am not sore not because I screwed up but because what? because my muscles are more used to working out? I’m in better shape than I thought? I’m not quite as much of a fat lazy slob as I think I am?

I’m not sure why, but it is something I keep thinking about.

Something else I noticed was just how differently I think about food, or not think about food I guess I should say.

All three of them brought snacks for the trail, they didn’t eat them but they brought them just in case. Which just confused me. Then, when we are back in the car and headed down the mountain they all pull out food and start eating and sharing and eating some more and I’m all “what the fuck? where did this food come from?”

And I mean serious levels of food! Cliff Bars, crackers, cheese, nuts, fruit, and more! They all offered to share with me but I didn’t want to eat so I used the excuse of wanting to keep my hands on the wheel while on the winter roads as a reason to not be eating.

Never, in all the planning for this day, did it ever cross my mind to take snacks, something that all three of them thought was a natural thing to do.

I figured since I had eaten something between my morning practice and going snow shoeing that would be my food for the day and I’d be good.

They all had breakfast, and lunch, those snacks, and dinner.

How in hell did they fit all that food in their bodies? And how are they all so much smaller than me when they eat so much?

I’m so confused.

I’m not upset by their eating, or by the realization that it never crossed my mind to bring food, it just sorta keeps popping up in my head as a thing to think about with wonder and confusion…like I’d glimpsed such a crazy alternate way of living I just keep thinking about it, not with judgement, just…thinking…

Sick

Last work week (I work Fridays through Tuesdays) I got exposed to a plethora of germs because people at work decided that even though they were sick, like, super sick, they’d still come to work because “I never get sick, it isn’t that bad”…only to have to leave early because of just how sick they were.

I really, and I mean reeeally, hate when people come to work sick.

Keep your freakin germs to yourself people!

Anyways…

When I was leaving work Monday I was feeling it, the sore throat, the sniffles, the tiredness. Definite signs I was getting sick. I ran errands instead of going to the gym like I had planned and stocked up on DayQuil, kleenex, throat lozenges, the apple juice mentioned in a previous post, and Vitamin C drops.

A sick person’s survival kit!

I didn’t end up as sick as the others though and stupidly thought I’d managed to escape the horrible-wish-I-was-dead version of this illness. Now I think I might have just been incubating it and it is about ready to make itself fully known…just in time for my new work week. Fuck.

I spent Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday taking things easy. I mean, I still had things to do (a work shift Tuesday and two appointments Wednesday in regards to my eating disorder recovery) but other than those things I stayed at home, read books, cuddled with the cat, and tried to let my body rest.

Oh, and I took AirBorne, I swear by that stuff.

Wednesday I thought I was pretty much better and I’d be able to go to the gym Thursday, Thursday came though and omg I think I am getting worse. My voice is kinda going. My sinuses are doing worse (plugged and runny nose at the same time, super annoying!), I’m cold, can’t focus, basically a lot of the symptoms of, oh I don’t know, a sick person.

So tomorrow, because I can’t find someone to cover my shift I will be that person who goes to work sick, and spreads her germs. Ugh.

In regards to my eating disorder, getting sick like this does not help me at all. Well, unless you listen to my eating disorder, it is practically doing hand stands because of how little I am able to eat when sick.

Even when not sick I suck at following a meal plan but I try to eat twice a day…which depending on where you are in recovery sounds like not enough or way too much. To me it still sounds like too much, but I try really hard to manage it. It took a while to build up to that much food in one day and I don’t really like it, shrug.

When sick any thought of following a meal plan basically goes right out the window. My appetite disappears, nothing tastes right, I have even less interest in food. Most of my brain thinks these are all great things but the part of me that is learning shit in recovery knows that these aren’t great things.

My ed brain says:

Eating broth and drinking tea is a totally acceptable thing to do. One bowl of broth is definitely a days worth of calories.

My recovery side says:

Not enough food dumb ass.

My ed brain says:

You’re sick, you don’t have to eat when you’re sick. Don’t worry about it.

My recovery side says:

The less you eat the harder it is for your body to get better. You need nutrients to get better. Eat something!

My ed brain says:

If you’re going to eat something then you’re going to ruin all the benefits of being sick. Think of how quickly you’re losing weight right now. Think of how easy it is because you don’t have an appetite because you’re sick. Why throw that away? Be strong! Don’t eat! You don’t need food! But if you do eat then you might as well binge because you’re a failure, a loser who can’t manage the simple task of not eating. You don’t deserve to be skinny. You don’t deserve to get to your goal. If you’re going to eat then eat something ridiculous, something high calorie, something that will make you feel bloated, and overly full, and gross, because you deserve to feel all those things if you eat, because you failed.

My recovery side says:

It says nothing. Because it is barely a whisper in my mind on my best days and it can’t stand up to my ed brain when it is on a roll.

So here I am, sick. I did manage a meal the other day that had all 4 food groups in it. A small meal. Probably it is classified as more of a snack, but to me it is a meal. And a win.

Today…not so much.

Today I ate soup, though I had two bowls instead of one, which I guess counts for something. And I had some bread, because I am weak and I like bread…but is it weak that I like bread and choose to eat it or is it ok to eat something I like, in moderation…I question this but I know what I feel the answer is, it is weak, and I am weak for eating the bread. Just because I like it doesn’t mean I should eat it. I like a lot of things I don’t eat anymore. Bread is useless calories, unnecessary food, I should really get rid of it, sigh.

I weighed myself today and am down 3 pounds in three days. Which the majority of me is thrilled about, but also terrified I will screw up and as a result of the terror my brain has been screaming at me all day to not eat ever again or those three pounds will pile back on with a whole bunch more. But ya know what, I ate the soup anyways, so fuck you voice!

Oh god, I don’t mean it, I do mean it, I don’t know what I mean. I’m so confused.

I don’t want to be a lost cause to my recovery team. I don’t want to be one of those people who they feel is beyond their help and is let go so someone more deserving can be given help. I think I am one of those people though, and they’ll figure it out soon, and I’ll be left alone to deal with what is in my head, and I will fold to the ed and stop fighting even the small amount I am fighting, and I’ll be screwed.

You know, this post was going to be about how I lost three pounds in three days and isn’t that so great? But apparently I have other shit on my mind right now…who knew something could be bigger in my head then a lower number on the scale? This cold must be really messing with my brain. *rolls eyes*

Intrusive Thoughts

I’ve heard a lot in recovery about this whole “ed voice” and “intrusive thoughts” deal. Basically, there is your voice, and there is the eating disorder voice, your voice gets drowned out a lot by the eating disorder voice. The eating disorder voice is pretending to be your friend, pretending to want what is best for you but it is actually telling you to do things that are bad for you, it is hurting you.

When you think about engaging in any of your eating disorder habits, that is your eating disorder voice. When you have negative self-talk, or you hurt yourself, or you resist getting healthier, that is also your eating disorder voice.

Some people in group have described their eating disorder voice in such a way that it sounds as if they legit have a second voice in their head, a monster scary voice, that orders them around and they either succumb to the voice’s demands or they fight back.

I have never really understood this idea because I don’t have some scary monster eating disorder voice yelling at me to do or not do things. I just have my own thoughts, my own ideas, my own thinking in my head, and that is what guides my choices.

Because of this I often wonder if I really do have an eating disorder, I mean, how can I have one for real if I don’t have this scary voice in my head, right?

For the last couple weeks I have made a ground meat, mixed veg, pasta, mix, all combined with a tomato pasta sauce. It is boring as fuck to eat, but it does take away the decision on what to eat if I am supposed to be eating but am tired, or can’t make a decision, or just plain don’t know what to do. If I top it with a bit of shredded cheese it becomes a miracle meal in that it contains all 4 food groups. It is something my dietitian approves of, even if I hate eating it because of the pasta, and the bland taste…I suck at cooking, sigh.

So I have a tupperware container filled with this meal in my fridge, just waiting to be eaten.

Mondays after work I usually have enough time to go home, chill for a bit, have a cup of tea, then head out to a weekly drop-in group. A couple Mondays ago I had to stay late at work and didn’t have nearly as much time. On my drive home I was calculating how much time I would have at home before having to leave again to get to group and I remember thinking I had the perfect reason to not eat before going, because there wasn’t enough time to make anything. Then out of nowhere I thought “good thing I have that pasta meat dish I made, I have enough time to warm up some, eat, and still get to group”.

Where the fuck did that come from?? I don’t think things like that. If anything, I think the opposite, I think “hey, time is tight, perfect reason to not eat!” and I am glad I have a justifiable reason to skip eating. A reason that I can use as a defense if anybody asks me what I ate, or if I ate.

So it would appear that if I have intrusive thoughts they come in the style of thoughts encouraging me to eat.

That is so messed up.

Next thing you know I’m going to have a random thought to throw out my diet pills, or not binge, or not burn myself.

I don’t know what, if anything, having this intrusive thought means. Does it mean I am getting better? Does it mean all the thoughts I feel are just me are actually my eating disorder and this one random healthier thought is the real me breaking through? Is it just a fluke thing that will never happen again?

I dunno. And I don’t know how to figure it out. I just know it freaked me out and has left me wondering, and ruminating, and dissecting, what happened ever since.

Keeping Space

I think of myself as someone who is fairly self-sufficient. I don’t cry on my friend’s shoulders, I don’t go running to a family member when things are hard, I don’t lean on anyone other than myself when I am struggling. Personally, I think this is best. I think if you can’t handle things on your own than you are weak and should toughen up. It’s fine to talk a situation over with someone once you’ve dealt with it and can talk rationally and reasonably, but when in the throes of something big and emotional and messy, well, to me, alone is best.

Which makes the realization that I have come to depend on and even slightly look forward to my weekly group sessions a daunting one.

My recovery program is mostly group based sessions. They run on 8 week cycles. So for 8 weeks you are in a session about say, Building Self Compassion (that was my most recent one). You have once a week group meetings and you are limited to how many you are allowed to miss. On top of that weekly session there are three drop-in sessions you can pick from (meal support, meditation, weekly support). You don’t have to go to those drop-ins but you can, and they say the more you go to the better you do in your recovery. When the 8 week session is done you have a month or so where you only go to the drop-ins, and you are required to attend at least 2 in the month. Then a new 8 week session starts. This just keeps repeating.

So, every week, no matter where you are in the program, you should be attending at least one of the group sessions. At first I found this annoying, time consuming, even pointless. After a while I found it stressful, highly awkward for my schedule, and still pointless. Then at some point, some of the stuff I was being told started to sink in and I realized maybe it isn’t as pointless as I thought. I still found it occasionally annoying, and stressful, and it is legit time consuming and really messes with my schedule, but I try to look at it as one of those things that is important and therefore worthy of any interruptions it makes to my life.

I also sorta think of it as my punishment. If I wasn’t so fucked up I wouldn’t be having to deal with all this and I could be out enjoying life uninterrupted like my friends are.

My work shift was swapped for today so I had to miss the drop-in group support that is held on Mondays. My 8 week session just ended so I’ve just started the drop-ins which means I have no mandatory weekly group session this week. I don’t attend the other sessions, the meditation and food support groups, for reasons I won’t go in to here, which means until next week I won’t see anyone. Except I won’t see anyone next week either because the Monday is a stat holiday so they will be closed. So it’ll be three weeks before I see anyone and that is kinda freaking me out.

Before I’m pretty sure I would have looked at this as a boon, a freak scheduling mishap that brought about some alone time from the doctors and group sessions and delving in to why I think and feel things. But this week I actually tried to get my shift covered and was going to call in sick all so I could go to group this evening.

I’m kinda struggling and I need support and I wanted to go to group to get some support, to not feel so alone, but I couldn’t go and now I feel even more alone than before, and scared because I don’t know what I might do over the next two weeks, and confused because multiple things have happened over the past week I wanted to talk to someone about and now I won’t ever get to talk about those situations and I need advice on some stuff and need to know just how bad I screwed up when dealing with things but well, now I’ll never know because not like I can bring it up 2 weeks from now, it’ll all be old news.

I haven’t changed a lot of my ED behaviour, in fact, someone looking from the outside might say I have changed nothing. I am still eating my safe foods to the almost exclusion of everything else. I am still under eating daily, unless I have a binge day. I am still working out harder than I should. I am still feeling guilt and shame when I eat. But my thoughts have changed a little bit, honest! I sometimes think about eating other foods, I might not do it yet but before I wouldn’t have even thought it. I have eaten when normally I wouldn’t have because I felt hunger or because I realized it had been a long time since I had eaten so I probably should eat. Before I would have decided to keep fasting because why not? I’ve started drinking more water so I’m not always dehydrated. I may not eat the amount of food I am supposed to but I am eating more than I used to, well ok, not every day, but some days, and for me that is a big deal. And something huge for me, I gained a pound over the weekend and I didn’t go in to full blown panic and fast starting last night and continuing on until at least the end of day tomorrow. In fact, today I drank a ton of water, I ate two meals, and I had a snack! I’m working on not feeling guilty about all that food, not quite there yet but hey, I’m a work in progress.

My worry though, is I have things that happened that raised questions, questions I need answers to, and I have no one to answer them. I feel like without those answers I can’t properly move forward because what if I am doing something wrong, what if I made the wrong choice and continue to make wrong choices from here on out, what if I am fucking this up.

I don’t even know what the “what” I might be fucking up is. Is it my weight loss, my recovery, my eating disorder…I just don’t know…

I think I could schedule a one-on-one with my case manager but I don’t know for sure, and even if I could she has limited time and people with bigger problems than mine to deal with so I don’t want to bother her. Maybe I could email her…that’s something to look in to…

This post did not end up where I intended it to go lol What I was planning on writing was why the enforced separation from my group sessions might actually be a good thing for me because I have obviously become too reliant on them when dealing with stuff. I won’t be in this program forever, eventually I won’t have access to these people and groups, and I need to keep that in mind. I need to remember when I am low or struggling that in the end the one I should depend on is me, not the counselors or doctors or others in group because one day I’ll be out of the program and on my own anyways and it is important to be strong so I don’t have trouble with that transition.

Right now I am wavering with that thought though, as you might have guessed lol I think, given two weeks away from all the groups that thought will become stronger and I’ll end up taking a couple steps back recovery wise which would suck since the steps forward I have taken are so small and so few. But if I do contact my case manager what am I supposed to say? I think I’m becoming a wimp who needs someone to talk to, will you be that person for me this week? That is so not ever gonna happen.

bored

I Got A Call

A little while ago I sucked up what little amounts of courage I seem to have when it comes to asking for help and went to a doctor to request a referral to an adult ed program in my area. The doctor was not great and the experience kinda sucked but it was done and oddly, once it was over, I felt…lighter…I don’t mean weight wise, but as if a bit of stress was off my shoulders. Stress I hadn’t even realized I had.

I didn’t know how long it would take to hear anything, there are long wait lists for everything medical related in this country so I put it on the back burner of my brain and tried to ignore it. Thing is, I wasn’t even sure if the referral went through. I had to go for a bunch of medical tests and the results of those got sent with the referral and the doc I saw didn’t seem to think I really needed help (she said I was a pretty girl and should get over it) so I had this suspicion that my paperwork would get lost along the way and I’d never hear about it again.

Part of me was willing to let it stay like that. I figured I had done my part, I asked for help, if the referral didn’t get sent then that was the universe saying don’t worry about it, or something to that effect. I was toying with the idea of calling the doctor’s office to ask if they could look at my file and see if the referral was sent but never got around to it.

Well, two Fridays ago I got a call, which I missed so it went to voicemail, and I finally listened to the message on the Sunday and what do you know, it was a lady from the program calling to talk to me. I left her a voicemail back on the Monday, or it might have been Tuesday…either way, I left her a voicemail and we eventually connected this past Friday (May 20th)

She is part of the intake process or something for the program and she was calling to tell me some deets I need to know and ask a hella lot of questions about me, my eating, medical stuff, behaviours I engage in, it was the most personal conversation I have had in a loooong time, and it was with a stranger over the phone! Weird!

I have to attend a session May 30th as part of the intake process, it is a mandatory thing, they are held once a month and I have three months to make it in to one, if I don’t make it in to one within the three months I am taken off the list and I have to get a new referral. I work Mondays and am not off early enough to get there in time so I have to miss an hour of work which sucks but I guess I should look at it as a small sacrifice for a larger good…I’ll wait to make that determination until after I go to the session lol

I’m not sure what to expect at this thing, if it is just me, or a lot of people, I think it will be a lot of people, or at least not just me, since they only hold them once a month, they probably round up everybody who is on their waiting list and see them at one time. I don’t really know the purpose of this meeting either, maybe it is to take a look at the people on the list and see who needs to be prioritized. I have this huge fear they will take one look at me and say I am not sick enough, don’t have a big enough problem, am not thin enough, for them to want to help me. Part of me wants to blow it off because if that is what I am going to face then why bother losing an hour of work just to be told they can’t help me, but in my slightly more rational moments I remind myself I don’t know that is what they are going to say, I don’t even know what this session is meant to accomplish, so stop jumping to conclusions and just go already.

I’m kind of panicking about it…which is weird. And oddly focused on what kind of impression I will make when I get there. I will be going right from work but I’ll change clothes before I go and I’m already going over and over what I will wear, what attitude I will have, will I keep my work attitude which makes me seem happy go lucky nice and funny, will I be more myself which is still funny, the consummate entertainer who makes everyone laugh and seems outgoing or will I be me, quiet and observing everything while silently assessing all I see and withdrawn from people. Those are all me, just at different points in the day and I don’t know which one I will default with. Usually with doctors an stuff I try to be nice and friendly and chatty because it makes them like you more and if they like you they are more willing to help you but these are people who might be asking me more probing questions and I’m not happy about that, just the thought of it puts my back up, but I’m going to them for help and maybe if I seem to difficult to chat with they will decide to not help me.

I’m kinda going around in circles here, and will probably have to wait and see how I feel on the day. I think it is just the unknown about what is going to happen that has me freaking out a bit.

On top of that I am now restricting like craaaaaazy because I don’t want to seem too fat when I see them. How messed up is that? So now I’m not just restricting like I normally do but I am even more strict than normal because if they ask what I eat, or how much, or how often, I don’t want to seem like a glutton and tell them I ate two meals that day *rolls eyes* I think there is something messed up there…but I can’t quite figure out what, because it seems like a normal thought to me but I’m pretty sure other people don’t think like that…

All this crap going through my head and I can’t tell anybody because nobody in my real life knows I struggle at all, let alone have asked for help. So every time someone asks me what is new I think about this upcoming meeting but can’t say anything cause they will have no idea what I am talking about, which makes it seem like an even bigger deal than it probably is, which makes me focus on it more and freak out about it more.

In reality it is probably just some info session or something, so they have more deets on those on the waiting list and then we are told they’ll contact us when we have moved up the list. Probably all the things I am dreading aren’t actually going to happen, and probably me getting any help is a long way off so I should just chill…but this is me and I can’t so instead I am cutting out more foods from my safe list and increasing my exercise and trying not to think too much even though my brain is running 100 miles a minute. Is this what crazy feels like?

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Binge Then Binge Then Binge Some More

I feel like all I do lately is eat, and not normal people eat but binge eat. What does that look like? Well, in my world that looks like a hella lot of food, eaten in a short amount of time, daily, for weeks.

It doesn’t feel good, not even in the moment, so why do I do it?

I dunno.

I spend all my time not eating thinking about what I am going to eat and when I am getting food ready I’m not even pretending I am not going to eat a lot. While something is cooking I am standing in my kitchen eating peanut butter out of the container while I make some toast and pour some cereal in to a bowl and go digging for some cookies.

In case you’re wondering that isn’t a made up example, that was me this evening when I got home. It took every ounce of willpower I had to not stop and buy doughnuts or McDonald’s or Burger King or cake or pie or ice cream on my way home but none of that mattered because when I got home I heated up a double portion of leftover stew, ate a cookie, then ate a bunch of peanut butter right from the jar while the stew cooked, then had two bowls of Froot Loops and some toast, then ate the stew I warmed up then had I don’t even know how many cookies…It would have been eaten even faster than it was if it hadn’t taken so long for the stew to heat up…

I now feel sick to my stomach, mad at myself, disgusted with how I look and how I let myself eat all that food and how gross I feel, and I feel sad, and pissed off that other people seem to not have problems like this…why can other people eat whatever they want and be fine but if I eat I go on benders like this that don’t bring me anything but down?

I’ve hit some kind of new low and I don’t know how to get out of this eating rut I am in. Usually I fluctuate between not eating, well ok to be specific I eat but small amounts of food (between 700 to 780 calories max a day) and binge eating but this…this is just binge eating, days and days and weeks and weeks of binge eating. WTF??

I don’t like it but I can’t seem to stop it.

Although, yesterday I managed to not binge. It was like a freakin miracle had occurred. I was at a training session for work all day and wasn’t sure what the food sitch would be like so I took  4 drinks (I like to hydrate, it helps me feel full), plus some grapes and a hummus and crackers snack thingy. Turns out they fed us so I had some fruit mid morning that they provided, that was 3 half slices of melon and one slice of an orange. Then lunch was asparagus soup and a medley of sandwiches. I am ashamed to say I ate an entire sandwich and half a bowl of soup. Then there were dessert type items for afternoon snacks. I shouldn’t have done it but I had half a piece of chocolate cake. Other people there were taking 2, 3 even 4 desserts and not seeming to have any guilt about their portions but there I was with my half piece feeling intense shame at having put it on my plate. Do other people not feel shame about eating?! Oh, and somewhere in there I ate my grapes…I ate them before the cake, so mid afternoon sometime. Then I did a stupid stupid thing and grabbed two chocolate chip cookies on the way out the door and when I got home I ate one portion of the stew that I binge ate tonight. Paired with the stew I had two pieces of bread with margarine on them. I wouldn’t let myself eat after that but the whole night all I kept thinking about was food, how I wanted to eat something, anything, as long as there was a lot of it. I started fantasizing about the Froot Loops and it took everything I had to not open the box and pour the biggest bowl of cereal ever seen. Seriously, so hard to not eat it. I went to bed with a growling stomach but no way could I be hungry, not real hungry, right? I mean, I had eaten food throughout the day, more than I should have, so I figure the growling stomach thing was my body being stupid, thinking it was hungry when it wasn’t, trying to trick me in to a binge fest…bodies can do that, right?

So now here I am ranting, not making any sense, rambling on about what I ate, and its like I can’t get my brain to shut the fuck off. It is moving so quickly from one thing to another but all those things are somehow related to food. Either I’m thinking about something to eat, or thinking about how I should never be allowed to eat again, or thinking about how tomorrow I have to have a double work out to make up for what I ate today, or thinking that maybe I’ll just hide in the apartment and not go out and not eat anything, and why why why can my brain not stop thinking about food and how I want it but hate it and never want it again but it tastes so good but it makes me feel so gross and omg make it freakin stop!

I hate this.

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