This is the true me. I won’t lie on this blog, I won’t sugar coat anything. This will be the one place I can be honest about how I deal with food.
I don’t think I have an eating disorder, I’ve researched anorexia and bulimia and what I do doesn’t easily fall in to either of those categories. I just…don’t seem able to deal with food in the same way as everyone else.
I love and hate food, it’s a twisted sick relationship that I can’t escape from…how do you escape from food? It’s everywhere, and you need to consume it to survive.
Depending on the day I engage in any number of behaviours in order to cope with food. I restrict calories, I starve, I binge, I purge, I take laxatives, I take extra fiber, I take vitamins so I don’t have to eat, I lie about what I eat and how much, I try not to eat in public because I don’t like people seeing me eat, I buy food just to know it is in the apartment but never touch it, I refrain from hanging out with people because the social situation will include food or drinks and I know I’ll be harassed to eat and drink and will stick out like a sore thumb if I don’t, I play sports and am active as much as I can be to try to compensate for the times I eat…there’s more but I’d say this list is long enough!
I’m not writing this blog for sympathy or because I want attention or saving. I’m writing this blog to try to help me figure out if what I am doing is working, is helping me lose weight and if not, this is where I will try to sort though my thoughts so I can figure out what I need to change to lose this weight. Also, I’d like to know if there are other people like me out there? Are there others who don’t have an eating disorder but who also struggle with food in the ways I do? I feel so alone in this struggle to lose weight, this struggle to deal with food, it might be easier knowing there is someone else out there like me…