Tag Archives: sports

A Win That Feels Like A Loss

Today is a day I had practice (for my sport) and I’ve been working really hard on remembering to eat an hour an a half (or so) prior to heading out to practice so my body is properly fueled for the activity I am about to make it take part in.

I never used to do that, it is kind of a new deal for me, and not one that comes naturally. I’m trying it with all activity, whether it is the gym, practice, a hike, whatever.

The only thing I had to do out of the apartment today was practice so I let myself sleep in. When I woke up the first time all I was aware of was how everything hurt. My muscles were really feeling the work out I gave them the night before at the gym and oh man the pain. I mean yeah ok, it is a good pain, but it is still pain, ya know?

I rolled over and went back to sleep, then repeated the whole wake-up, roll over, snooze a bit longer deal at least twice more. Partly that was because I like to sleep but I don’t do it very well at night so if I have a day where I can sleep in and catch up a bit I like to. It is also a left over habit where I sleep through as many meals as I can, thereby limiting how much food I have to take in during the day. I hate days where I am up early and don’t get to bed till late, I can restrict during those days, and if you were to look at how many calories I take in on those days I probably still technically fall on the side of restricting, but I eat more on those days than I am comfortable with and I fully blame that on being up so early and having such a long day…that and my lack of willpower, sigh.

Back to today! I ate for the first time at 2pm and oh man, I so didn’t want to. I didn’t feel hungry. I didn’t want to eat. I just wanted to drink some tea and do nothing but another thing I try to do is if I have a day where I have loads of time then instead of a super fast / quick to make meal as my first meal I will actually cook something. I thought I might be hungry by the time I finished cooking, which was the only reason I cooked anything, but I wasn’t. I was however left with a plateful of food and a real anger at myself that I was going to waste the food and the money I spent buying the food, so I started eating. I didn’t think I’d finish what I made (I made too much) but I did, and I immediately felt guilty for eating when I hadn’t felt hungry, and well, a whole bunch of other things, but I don’t wanna bore you with my internal monologue, just know it ain’t pretty. *rolls eyes*

Something I am trying to count as a win from that meal was I prepped too many fillings for the omelette I made and instead of throwing them out I put them in a little dish and ate them as a side dish to my omelette. Kind of weird, but ok, I guess…So, does that count as a win because I didn’t throw out the food or a loss because it contributed to me eating too much?

How do people figure these things out??

I realized when I was getting ready for practice I had screwed myself by eating at 2pm because practice is at 7pm so I needed to eat something around 5:30pm (I have to leave by 6pm) and if you think I was at all hungry then you are delusional. There was nooooo room in my tummy for another meal, and I didn’t want a snack, so I decided my 2pm meal would see me through practice. To give you a clear picture, that would mean that meal would be fueling me through a two hour outdoor high intensity practice and I wouldn’t be home and in a position to eat anything until 10:30pm or so.

I suppose that is expecting a lot from that meal?…but to me it seems an ok choice.

When I went to leave for practice though I discovered it was pouring rain and my outdoor two hour intensive practice now got raised a level because I’d be doing everything in the cold, pouring rain. Just. Freakin. Great.

So I remembered what my counsellor said about food being fuel, which got me thinking of food as the source needed to fuel a fire, and me needing fuel to fire up my energy levels for practice, and next thing you know I am eating a protein bar while driving to practice.

I know that chain of thoughts makes no sense, but it does to me.

I thought, if I ate the protein bar, it would help me stay warm and be able to power through practice. And since I am cold all the time, especially on the water, anything that might help my body stay a little bit warmer is something I am willing to consider.

There was some definite negative feelings about eating that protein bar, but I just kept focusing on it being a tool to help me be my best at practice, and eventually I was at practice and too busy working hard to think about it anymore.

After I got home and showered, I was once again trying to figure out what to do about food. I didn’t feel hungry, I didn’t want anything, but even I know that what I ate during the day would not be considered enough with the activity I did, so I made something high in protein to eat. I was going to make a simple protein shake but instead made actual food, well, to be honest, I heated up actual food that was left over from earlier in the week.

When I first decided to write this post I was going to write about how I ate the protein bar on the way to practice and I think that is a win. But when I look at my day overall I feel whatever small wins I managed barely count, especially when I feel so badly about them and don’t know if I consider them a win or a loss.

It isn’t fair that a win can feel like a loss, though that does seem to be the nature of recovery. You have a win by doing something your eating disorder doesn’t want you to do, but you feel like it is a loss because you failed your eating disorder, and if you are me, you worry that if you get too far away from your eating disorder you’ll be left with nothing. Because I am nothing, and if I don’t have my behaviours to focus on than what do I have?

And wow, that got kinda deep all of a sudden.


Mini Revelation

I’m laying in bed reading a book about eating disorders, it is called Eating In The Light Of The Moon and is by Anita Johnston. It’s pretty good, full of metaphors and stories and not overly preachy about how to get better an stuff. 

I just read a chapter about dreams and what they can tell us. The author talks about a dream one of her clients had and how it provided a break through as to why she engaged in a binge-purge cycle. 

The dream helped her realise that she would binge (and then purge) after her sister would criticise and put her down, or she perceived she did. 

I won’t go into all the details of the dream and the stuff the author wrote about it, but it made me have a tiny possible revelation. 

I had my sport team training this evening, we have a competition coming up so the practice was kinda brutal, which is fine, I’m not complaining, just explaining. 

We have some shitty air quality right now due to forest fires so myself, and some others were having trouble breathing. When we tried bringing it up to the coach she said to breathe deeper, basically to suck it up, deal with it, and keep going. I was really upset about (1) her lack of caring about the people she coaches , and (2) how much trouble I was having during practice – physically I mean. 

Normally I can find the strength to keep going, to give it my all, regardless of if I have been eating or not. But lately I’ve been having a harder time of it and tonight it was really bad. I think it was worse today because of the air quality, at least, that sure didn’t help!

So I left practice upset at my own physical weakness and at my coach for her not caring. 

I don’t know why her comment bothered me so much, she has always been mean, never pretended that she cares about us as people, we are just a means to an end to her. Which again, is fine, I’m not complaining. That is how she is so I just have to learn to deal with that. 

But I think that is the problem, I don’t deal with that very well, and when I got home I not only ate but I ate dinner (which was sorta planned so kind of ok) and then I ate two cookies and then I ate an unknown amount of ice cream right from the tub!

It wasn’t a full on binge, I didn’t eat till I felt sick, well, I felt a little sick but I think that was from all the sugar, it was nothing like my binge from last sunday. I wasn’t even sure why I was eating those foods (the cookies and ice cream), I didn’t really want them, wasn’t craving them, didn’t feel like I needed some crazy binge, didn’t even use the food as a distraction from hurting myself. I just kinda grabbed them and ate for a while, then put the ice cream back  in the freezer. 

I think, and I could be very wrong, but I think maybe I ate the ice cream (and cookies) to distance myself from my feelings from practice. Maybe I didn’t want to feel upset, and mad, and disappointed, so instead I ate for awhile.

Does that sound crazy? I feel like maybe it sounds crazy… 

I don’t know why I stopped before it turned into a full on binge, all I was doing was watching a movie so not like I was purposefully trying to figure out and work through anything. I am very glad I stopped though!

If this eating was an act of dealing with my disappointment in myself I gotta say it is super counter intuitive. There is no way eating cookies and ice cream is going to help me do better at my sport, in fact they will do the opposite! So I guess I better sort some shit out in my head to see if I can stop this from happening again. 

How I go about that though I’m not quite sure…

What Is This?

Today I was competing in day one of a two day sports festival. I competed with my team but also volunteered to help another team ensuring I got twice the workout. I compete at this festival every year and am well versed in how the days will go.

This morning when I was up and getting ready I had the weirdest chest pain, to the left and kinda mid body, sorta below where my left breast is, it radiated outwards encompassing a good chunk of my left side and I didn’t know what to do. I can’t really describe the pain except that it was pain and I didn’t like it.

My only worry was that it would impede in my ability to compete today but after I choked down some oatmeal, that is almost a literal “choked down” since it didn’t help the pain and in fact made it worse I headed off to meet up with my team.

The level of pain decreased down to strong discomfort after a while and ok yeah, my first race wasn’t my best ever performance, I wouldn’t say that I let the pain get in the way of my competing overly much. I think more than anything it got in the way of my warm-up lol

During the rest of the day the pain was gone, somewhere in the morning it faded away and didn’t come back. Yay!

Jump forward to this evening…

I got home after a full day of competing, had a quick shower, popped my jerseys in the wash, and prepared to chow down on the crazy indulgent meal I ordered as take-out from a restaurant near me. It was a burger with fries and a small coleslaw.

Normally I never eat like this but 4 races in one day in sweltering heat with me eating very little (I don’t like feeling full when I race so I eat minimalistic during the day) had me hangry to a ridiculous level. Usually my hunger level increases gradually during a day when I am restricting but today it basically took over my body and well, yeah, I ended up with a burger and fries…oh, and a cinnamon bun cause ya know, if you’re gonna screw up you might as well screw up alllllll the way! *rolls eyes*

I ate the burger, fyi it was amazing!, then started in on the fries. The weird thing is, eating the fries was giving me pain in my esophagus, like a pressure, burning, something wants to explode pain. I am familiar with acid reflux and this was not that kind of pain. Any normal person would have stopped eating the fries but I knew if I stopped with some left over I’d hate myself even more for eating them then if I had none left (don’t ask why, I don’t know, it is just how I roll) so I kept eating. Once I had eaten them all I sat there, in pain and discomfort, hating myself for eating, wondering what the hell to do with the pain. It faded eventually…long enough for me to eat the cinnamon bun – kill me now, ugh. And it sorta went away without my really noticing the exact moment it was gone.

So now it is almost midnight, I was going to make tea but opted for a glass of water instead. When I drink water I basically chug a glass like it is medicine and that is what I did this time and what do you know, pain.

I am not sure what to do. The initial pain at the beginning of the day started before I had eaten anything…if it had started after I was eating my oatmeal I would say eating is causing the pain to occur…but in that first instance it didn’t. And that first instance was when the pain was at its worst.

So what is causing it? What do I do about it? Most importantly, how do I get rid of it?

I don’t expect you to have the answer, I am just letting you know the questions I am thinking…

I sure hope this fixes itself and I don’t go through it again tomorrow cause that would suck. I don’t know if this is at all related to my ED or if it is something else and I don’t really know how to figure that out…one more question to add to my list I guess lol


Those hips! So jealous…