Category Archives: fat

The Brink of Tears

I’m fairly certain that eating two eggs (scrambled) on a hoagie bun is not an activity that is supposed to make a person almost cry.

And yet…

I feel like it has been almost an entire week of failure. I had my massive binge last Sunday, then days of physical recovery from that, then I ate half a pack of cookies a different day, then I ate some cookies and ice cream last night, then today I ate food after coming home from work.

In my world these are all massive failures, and having them all happen in one week, one right after another, is messing with my head.

I’ve got to get a handle on things over here or I’m going to end up back in the land of binges multiple times a week and I can’t handle that. I just…I just can’t.

Normally I don’t eat when I get home from work, when I work an evening shift I don’t get home until around ten at night. Once I am home I shower, do random things, make some tea, and by the time I might even be slightly thinking of food I’ve decided it is too late and I’m not going to bother. Doesn’t matter if I feel hungry or not, I don’t eat. I used to, and I found that was one of my most likely times to binge, so I cut that shit out. My body got used to the not eating after work thing and I stopped feeling hungry when I got home, something I count as a win!

But this past week I have really fucked things up. All those random extra high calorie foods has got my body thinking it wants more food and it has the nerve to send me hunger signals. Signals I am scared I might not be able to resist.

You might be thinking whats the big deal, if you feel hungry than eat. But I’m scared that I will eat things like ice cream, or other high calorie disastrous foods that I don’t let myself eat and that whatever I do eat I will eat in large quantities because heaven forbid I know and follow things like proper portion sizes.

Those, fyi, are totally valid fears.

So tonight I was in my post-work shower and couldn’t figure out what I was feeling. I wasn’t sure if I was feeling hungry or if I was feeling like I wanted to eat but for reasons other than hunger. Maybe I thought I wanted to eat but I was actually just bored, or thirsty, or upset about something…I should be careful because no point in eating if I am not actually hungry but being tricked into feeling hunger, right?

I knew that my brain kept thinking about ice cream so I promised myself that if I was going to eat it would be an egg, maybe an egg on toast (which is how I usually eat an egg), but at least the egg. It has protein. It is healthy. I am allowed one a day and I haven’t had an egg in a while. Plus, if I was legit hungry than an egg is an ok option for taking care of that hunger. If I am not actually hungry well, an egg won’t cause too much damage, least not as much as say, ice cream.

I ended up scrambling two eggs and putting them on a toasted hoagie bun. I don’t know what came over me. All those carbs. TWO eggs in one day. Ugh. Broke sooooo many rules with that meal, and yet, I ate it.

After I ate it and there was no turning back from what I did I sat there, watching a movie but hardly paying any attention to it, and I wanted to cry. I kept thinking about how last week I would never have even considered eating something once I was home from work, even if I had felt hungry I wouldn’t have eaten something, and today I caved because I thought I might be hungry. And not only did I cave I ate something that isn’t a safe meal (though I suppose it is a variation on one) and I ate a way larger portion than normal. This is on top of eating dinner at work aaaaaaaaand some oatmeal before going to work.

That is three freakin meals in one day. THREE!

Now do you see why I wanted to cry?

I feel like a failure. I have let myself down. I am so depressed and I don’t see the point anymore.

I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat, disgusting, woman. I have rolls of fat. My stomach sticks out so far it is heinous. Every part of me is swollen, and pudgy, and gross. I swear it wasn’t this bad last week. That binge started me on a free for all that has resulted in me looking noticeably fatter already. How is that possible? Why does it take so much hard work, so much dedication, so much sacrifice, to lose even one pound, but I can gain so much of that lost weight back in one stupid week.

The scale, urg, the scale. I didn’t step on it today but I stepped on it yesterday and it showed I was the same, but it has to be lying because I can see what I look like and I am definitely noticeably fatter. 😦

So I sat there, post egg on a hoagie bun, realizing that I have just pushed myself farther away from my goal by caving and eating.  Realizing that I was already noticeably fatter when I went to work today and now that I came home and ate some more food I am going to be even fatter tomorrow. Realizing that tomorrow I will step on the scale and will hate myself. Realizing that I am a failure. Realizing that I had gone so long without a binge, then I had one last Sunday and I am still dealing with the fallout from that binge. Realizing that what is the point of recovery when I’m still binge eating after all this time. Realizing that recovery may not be for everybody. Realizing I am freakin exhausted and I wish it was like it was before I realized I had a problem because I may have been engaging in just as many (or even more) bad for me behaviours but at least I was oblivious to just how much I was fucking up and could pretend what I did was normal.

This sucks. And I still want to cry. But I don’t do stuff like that so instead I’ll go try to sleep, at least when I am unconscious I am not aware of how much I hate myself.

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Mini Revelation

I’m laying in bed reading a book about eating disorders, it is called Eating In The Light Of The Moon and is by Anita Johnston. It’s pretty good, full of metaphors and stories and not overly preachy about how to get better an stuff. 

I just read a chapter about dreams and what they can tell us. The author talks about a dream one of her clients had and how it provided a break through as to why she engaged in a binge-purge cycle. 

The dream helped her realise that she would binge (and then purge) after her sister would criticise and put her down, or she perceived she did. 

I won’t go into all the details of the dream and the stuff the author wrote about it, but it made me have a tiny possible revelation. 

I had my sport team training this evening, we have a competition coming up so the practice was kinda brutal, which is fine, I’m not complaining, just explaining. 

We have some shitty air quality right now due to forest fires so myself, and some others were having trouble breathing. When we tried bringing it up to the coach she said to breathe deeper, basically to suck it up, deal with it, and keep going. I was really upset about (1) her lack of caring about the people she coaches , and (2) how much trouble I was having during practice – physically I mean. 

Normally I can find the strength to keep going, to give it my all, regardless of if I have been eating or not. But lately I’ve been having a harder time of it and tonight it was really bad. I think it was worse today because of the air quality, at least, that sure didn’t help!

So I left practice upset at my own physical weakness and at my coach for her not caring. 

I don’t know why her comment bothered me so much, she has always been mean, never pretended that she cares about us as people, we are just a means to an end to her. Which again, is fine, I’m not complaining. That is how she is so I just have to learn to deal with that. 

But I think that is the problem, I don’t deal with that very well, and when I got home I not only ate but I ate dinner (which was sorta planned so kind of ok) and then I ate two cookies and then I ate an unknown amount of ice cream right from the tub!

It wasn’t a full on binge, I didn’t eat till I felt sick, well, I felt a little sick but I think that was from all the sugar, it was nothing like my binge from last sunday. I wasn’t even sure why I was eating those foods (the cookies and ice cream), I didn’t really want them, wasn’t craving them, didn’t feel like I needed some crazy binge, didn’t even use the food as a distraction from hurting myself. I just kinda grabbed them and ate for a while, then put the ice cream back  in the freezer. 

I think, and I could be very wrong, but I think maybe I ate the ice cream (and cookies) to distance myself from my feelings from practice. Maybe I didn’t want to feel upset, and mad, and disappointed, so instead I ate for awhile.

Does that sound crazy? I feel like maybe it sounds crazy… 

I don’t know why I stopped before it turned into a full on binge, all I was doing was watching a movie so not like I was purposefully trying to figure out and work through anything. I am very glad I stopped though!

If this eating was an act of dealing with my disappointment in myself I gotta say it is super counter intuitive. There is no way eating cookies and ice cream is going to help me do better at my sport, in fact they will do the opposite! So I guess I better sort some shit out in my head to see if I can stop this from happening again. 

How I go about that though I’m not quite sure…

Pondering Stuff

So today was day two post-binge. It wasn’t as bad as yesterday but it wasn’t great either. I slept in, on purpose. That part was nice. I eventually had to get up because there were places I had to be and ya know, I need time to groom, shrug.

By the time I got up it had been 18 hours since I had last eaten. It would have been longer but I had a dinner meeting last night and it would have looked weird to be the only person not having something.

Side note, it was pointed out I eat slower than pretty much everyone on the planet, or at least at the table, and one of those people was a 6 year old child. But I did however succeed in making it look like I ate more than I actually did and getting the waiter to take away the uneaten food before anyone could really realize I had left most of my meal uneaten. Is it wrong that I feel proud of that?

Ok, back to the topic at hand.

There I was, waking up, it had been 18 hours since I ate, and I was not hungry. Not very shocking or odd actually, least not for me. I knew that I should eat something before going out though, since I wouldn’t be home for quite a while and I am trying to not go 24 hours or longer with out food. I mean, I like doing that, but I know that isn’t getting me closer to recovery so I am trying to ignore my impulse to do that and ya know, eat more often…gotta say, it sure doesn’t come natural!

I stuck with my favourite food, also not shocking, and made oatmeal. I was a bit worried that eating would kick start my hunger, or make me feel sick again, but it did neither. Just kinda left me neutral.

I still feel like I have gained all my lost weight back because of that stupid binge, and I still feel massive in my abdominal area, so I dressed to hide that area, but I don’t think my stomach is quite as poofed out and bloated as it was yesterday, so hopefully things are settling down.

Something surprising happened, when I woke up but wasn’t out of bed yet I rolled over and was on my side and I hurt. You might be all “crap, what did you injure now!” but not that kind of hurt. My ribs hurt from laying on them. I thiiiiink it is because I lost a lot of fat from around my rib cage area, and with less of a cushion it hurt to lay on them. And not hurt like “omg I am in so much pain” hurt, just hurt like “this is uncomfy, I must change position now”, only, I didn’t change position cause I kinda wanted to keep feeling that pain, because it made me feel like maybe there is hope for me to lose the rest of this fat since I lost enough in that area to make laying down in that position uncomfy. Does any of that make sense?

Probably not, sigh.

As a direct result of my Sunday binge I scaled back my calories a lot today. I ate my oatmeal, a protein bar when out, and an egg with two slices of turkey bacon on a piece of toast, when I got home.

That is a grand total of 542 calories for the day.

I didn’t even have as many drinks today as normal, though that wasn’t a plan, it was cause I was out and well, some days you just can’t manage to take in all your fluids, shrug.

Ya know, I started this post with a purpose and now I can’t remember what I wanted to write about, I managed to distract myself by my own writing lol

I’m still overwhelmed with thoughts about that binge, and with how sickly and in pain I felt from it. The fact that even now I am still having discomfort in my digestive track makes me hope I will be able to remember how bad the results of that binge were and help prevent them in the future.

I think another couple days of super low eating should get me back to normal. I’ve been scared to step on the scale, I can’t handle seeing what the number is, but I’ll probably step on it either Wednesday or Thursday morning. I’ll see how I feel Wednesday and if still not great I’ll give myself one more day. But only one more day, then I have to stand on it and face the damage. Let’s hope by then the number isn’t too high, though with the way I feel right now it probably will be, sigh.

On another side note…I just realized that I think I got through the worst of the post-binge sensations without caving and using any of my metabolism boosters or laxatives or excessive working out…basically I did nothing to try to purge the food…does that count as a win for the recovery side? I think so…I’ll have to ask my case worker and see…

The Pain

Can a person cause physical damage to their stomach, or other parts of their digestive system by the size, or speed, or length, of their binge eating session?

I binged last night. And not like a smallish, sorta manageable, have less guilt after, the next day seems normal, kind of binge. Ooooh no. Yesterday’s binge was a take no prisoners, leave no food behind, cause all the bodily pain and discomfort possible, feel all the guilt, have physical problems the next day kind of binge.

I have been feeling sick all day. Sick to my stomach. Sore throat. Headache. Trouble thinking. Distended abdominal area. Inability to eat. Painful abdominal area. Constipation. All of it and then some!

I wanted to call in sick to work today but couldn’t. Then I toyed with going in but saying I was sick and leaving early but I couldn’t do that either. We were short staffed and there was no one to come in. Plus, it is a stat today and I really need the time and a half. So I looked at being there as my punishment for my binge.

It was the longest 8 hours. After work I went for an hour fast walk with a work friend, then I showered and met for a meeting with two other people. During all of that I was feeling sick. I guess I looked it because people asked me if I was ok, when I said I wasn’t feeling well they said they could tell…which is the polite way of saying someone looks like crap. *rolls eyes*

It is almost 11pm, it has been over 24 hours since my binge, and I still hurt. My stomach is still distended. My abdominal area looks like it gained back all the weight I have lost! Not even an exaggeration, it is disgusting. I still feel sick to my stomach. My throat hurts because my stomach was so full yesterday stomach acid was coming up my esophagus. My mouth has been creating more saliva than normal, what’s with that?

Is it possible to cause physical damage from your binge session? Like, can you hit an overload point where your stomach just says “fuck it” and stops working because I feel like the food is still sitting there and it is causing me so many problems.

I am so mad at myself, so incredibly disappointed. I don’t know why I did it, but I sure as shit regret it. I need this pain and sickness to go away. I need the abdominal area to go back to being smaller. I need this to clear up because all I can think about, all I experience, all I feel, is connected to that binge and lemme tell ya, that is putting my head in a dark place I am not sure I know how to get out of.

Whyyyyy did I have to decide to quit my laxatives and other purging methods? I want to take a pill to move this whole thing along so badly buuuut I don’t want to feel guilt over caving and taking something when I am at a record length of time not using any of those methods. Plus, the last time I used them they caused similar physical sensations, bloated, painful abdominal area, weight gain, sick to stomach feeling. I’m scared taking them will make all of my physical problems even worse instead of better.

I am so frustrated I want to cry.

Think an er would pump my stomach and fix this problem if I lied and said I overdosed on something? I did technically overdose, on food, that’s a thing, right?

Binge

I’m writing this on my iPad, I hate writing posts on my iPad, and I’m using my whining as a last ditch effort to avoid talking about what I actually want to talk about…

I binged. This evening. I am laying in bed, I feel so incredibly sick, and miserable, and it is taking everything in me to not take my laxatives, or my metabolism boosters, or to try to throw up. 

On top of trying to resist doing any of those things I am also trying my damndest to resist hurting myself. 

Those things I just listed, the pills, the laxatives, the self harm, those are the only coping skills I have, I haven’t learned new ones yet. 

I don’t know what to do, I’m so incredibly upset with myself. I think this had been a record length of time without a binge and now I’ve fucked it all up. I was weak, and stupid, and I fucked up. 

Physically I feel sick, my stomach hurts, my stomach is distended, I have bile coming up my throat from being too full, I feel like throwing up but haven’t….yet…

Emotionally I feel sad, depressed, I’ve let myself down, I feel like a failure, I feel like screaming and yelling and punching something and fighting but I also feel like curling up in a ball and crying and hiding from the world until this passes…though right now it feels like it will never pass, I feel like I’ll be in this hell forever. 

Mentally I am berating myself, I am reminding myself over and over of all the calories I ate (roughly, I wasn’t exactly counting as I gorged on food), I have been restricting for so long and now all that work is thrown out the window. I have things to do tomorrow and I’m going to have to do them while feeling the physical effects of this binge and dealing with the emotional hangover that I always have from a binge, and I’m going to have to work twice as hard tomorrow to make up for the food I ate today. I keep telling myself how much I suck, how I must not want to be skinny badly enough, how I can’t even stick to my restricting plan, how I fail at everything and it’s no wonder my acting career hasn’t taken off yet if I lack the conviction to succeed at something as simple as losing weight. 

And because I have taken no action to rid my body of this food I want to hurt myself. I need to hurt myself. I deserve to be punished for the stupid act of binging and if I’m not going to punish myself by taking pills or throwing up then the least I should be doing is burning myself, or cutting myself, or making bruises, or something, anything!  By doing nothing it is like I condone the behaviour, which I don’t!

I’m so mad at myself. At my weakness. At my actions. 

And oh man do I feel sick to my stomach from all that food. Ugh. 

I hope I remember for a long long time how I feel right now so the next time I’m tempted to binge I can stop myself, and remember it is so not worth it. 

Potassium

Potassium? Who the fuck gives a care about potassium levels? Apparently doctors…but why? *rolls eyes*

I haven’t actually made it back to the doc’s office about the blood work test results but the whole reason I had to have them was because of an appointment set up with a shrink and to stay compliant with my recovery program.

The shrink took a look at the report and said I have high potassium.

I have nooooo idea how I have high anything, considering the amount of food I eat, but apparently I have high potassium.

I asked what I should cut out, he suggested bananas, I scoffed and said I don’t eat those…they used to be my favourite fruit but I haven’t eaten them in months, they ended up on my not safe food list, sigh.

He also asked if there are foods I don’t eat, I told him it would be easier to give him a list of the foods I do eat, since the “don’t eat” foods list is super long.

Turns out the meeting with him was for a psychiatric evaluation, which sounds terrifying, and makes me worried I’ll forever be labelled a crazy person. It took an hour and he asked a bit about practically every aspect of my life. He said the goal is to get a bit of information about everything and then go into more detail in follow-up sessions. Apparently I warrant follow-up sessions now…greeeeeeat…

My case worker sat in for the meeting, so there was a witness to this horribleness. He tried to get me to stand on a scale, like that was gonna happen! Ha! He also said I could tell him “no” if he asked about anything I really didn’t want to answer. There were a lot of questions I didn’t want to answer but I didn’t really say no to any of them…just sorta shut down and became less verbally responsive. Probably was shouting out like crazy with my body language though. Ugh. I irritate myself.

But yeah, so at the end of this appointment he pulled out the blood work results. They didn’t test for some stuff he wanted looked at so I get to go back in a week and get more blood taken, and get another ECG, fuuuuuck. Like I don’t have other things I am supposed to be doing?

Plus! I am supposed to cut out my protein drink to see if that is where my high potassium level is coming from. I don’t think it will be since I don’t drink them with any type of regularity. I had been trying to a while ago, but they are just so gross. Now I am basically trying to get through them so I don’t have to throw them all out and waste all that money. Since I am not adverse to drinking them calorie or nutrition wise I’d rather not pour them down the drain. If they had turned in to an unsafe food you can bet I’d have already poured them, waste of money or not. Oh the screwy logic that is mine lol

So one week of no protein drinks, then blood work and the ECG. I’m not sure what I am supposed to eat in place of the protein drink though. For all that I don’t drink them that often they do have a purpose when I do take them in and I don’t have anything I can swap in there. My list of safe foods is shrinking a little more every week and taking out one item makes a huge dent in what is available to me.

I dunno, I guess I’ll just go without, not like I couldn’t stand to cut out more calories, but I wish it had been my decision, and not one made for me…

 

Official Weigh-In

Every Thursday I have what I think of as my Official Weigh-In. I weigh myself everyday at home but my scale is not as accurate as a scale I have access to on Thursdays so I use my daily at home weigh-ins as a guideline but if asked my weight or when I think of my weight I go by the number on the Thursday weigh-in.

My scale only goes by the 0.5 but this other scale gives much more accurate numbers, so instead of a ###.5 it might say ###.3, and accuracy is important!

Yesterday I put in a 14 hour work day and wasn’t home and in bed until almost 5am Thursday morning. When my alarm went off so I’d get up for weigh-in I hit “Stop” instead of “Snooze” and next thing I know I have missed my shot at being weighed in on the better scale.

Arg! 😦

So. Annoying.

Alas, the world isn’t going to end, but it does irritate me because despite my long work day yesterday and some poor food choices made I am pretty sure I still lost weight this week. One and a half pounds if you’re wondering.

Yay!

Down from my two pounds lost per week for the last two weeks but see, that is where the decimal point number comes in to play. My scale said I was down 1.5 pounds but it could be higher, like 1.8…it could also be lower, like 1.4 but let’s not focus on that k? 😉

Another annoying thing about my scale is it always shows me as lower than the better scale. Now, this could be because I weigh myself at home right after going to the toilet and only wearing panties (sorry for the tmi) whereas the other scale has me wearing clothes. Oh the hardship of weighing in somewhere other than your own bathroom, le sigh.

I am always so much happier with the number on my scale than the more accurate scale, but only because it shows me as lower than what I suppose I actually am. The only time I lean towards thinking it is more truthful is one day last summer when it was super humid out. Inside my place it was still nice and cool but as soon as I got outside the humidity got me and by the time I got to my weigh-in my hair was frizzy and I could feel that my skin was retaining water, or is it that my body is retaining water? Either way, I could feeeeel the effects of the humidity, and the scale sure showed it! The lady weighing me said everyone was up that day due to the humidity and not to worry and I think she was right because the next week I was down all that I had “gained” plus some.

While I don’t have my official weigh-in results, thanks to missing my chance, I still know I went down because of what my scale showed me when I got up. I just don’t know for sure what I weigh right now, officially, and it is driving me a tad nuts lol I wanna know!

Not knowing though won’t be an excuse to go all crazy food wise. In fact I think it’ll just have me work harder so that next week when I step on the better scale I can have that much more of a loss.

Dedication. It sure can achieve results! 😀

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