Tag Archives: eating disorder recovery

Too Much

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I think I’m having a panic attack. Except I don’t actually have panic attacks. Or maybe I do and I just don’t acknowledge them as such?

Ugh. Who cares what this is!!

Let’s go with, I am FREAKING OUT! And almost cried. And had a massive internal battle. And am still freaking out even though the damage is done. And I kinda still want to cry, or run away, or have someone say it will be ok, except there is nobody because I don’t have a freakin one-on-one counsellor anymore so I have no one to talk to. And I think I’m having a mental breakdown and oh my god someone get me out of my head.

Ok, lemme try to explain what is going on…

I started a fitness challenge yesterday, 44 workouts in 44 days. Nothing too crazy or extreme, just something to help me get back on track. I wasn’t initially going to add a food component to the challenge buuuuut I want results and results are 90% what happens in the kitchen and 10% what happens with your workouts so I can’t exactly ignore the food side of things completely, right?

I figured I’d track my calories, write the number on the day beside what my workout was, and it wouldn’t be a big deal. Easy peasy.

So not turning out to be easy.

I mean tracking is easy. But my response to the numbers hasn’t been easy to deal with. sigh.

Now, don’t get all judgy on me with this, but I don’t care to eat over 800 calories a day. 800 used to be my max, I preferred to be in the low 700’s. If I consistently ate in the 600’s or lower I’d have trouble functioning at work, but the low 700’s seemed to be a good spot for me.

While in this recovery program I am not supposed to track my calories *rolls eyes* For the most part I haven’t. I did have a day where I tracked because I didn’t know if I was still under eating or not since I didn’t know the numbers for how much I was eating but I knew I was eating more than I used to…wow, that is a convoluted sentence. When I tracked that day I was in the 700’s so I was ok with things.

Something I worked on with my one-on-one counsellor is pre and post workout food. According to him I have to fuel my body properly to get the results I want from my workouts, and to keep strong for my sport, and to heal quickly from my workouts so I can get back out there sooner. I don’t care for this logic but I trusted him so I started making sure I ate something about an hour to an hour and a half before working out and that I ate something after my workout.

By ate “something” I don’t mean just anything. It is always a carefully chosen, high protein, low carb, low fat, snack or meal.

Even though he is gone the idea has stuck in my head and I am still making something to eat post workout. I’m not quite as good with the pre workout but I’m trying…kinda…

After my workout tonight I came home and made a protein smoothie bowl, it is basically protein powder, a small banana, frozen mixed fruit, and a small amount of plain almond milk, all blended to a consistency that requires a spoon to eat it. It is kind of my go-to for a post workout meal.

My freakout is because I was sitting at a lovely 700 calories eaten prior to that smoothie bowl. Once I tracked that smoothie bowl I was at 1007 calories.

One thousand and seven calories.

ONE THOUSAND AND SEVEN CALORIES!!

1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!

That number won’t stop flashing in my head.

Over a thousand calories. In one day. Oh. My. Fucking. God.

What have I done??

When I tracked the ingredients for the smoothie bowl I had the protein powder and the banana in the blender. I could have dumped them before blending anything. I saw that number before I had eaten the smoothie bowl, I could have done something to stop myself from eating enough calories to put me over 1000.

I could have stopped myself. I should have stopped myself. I am a failure for not stopping myself.

Whyyyyy didn’t I stop myself?

When I saw that number, as I stood at the counter with ingredients in my hand, I froze, just stared at the contents of the blender and wanted to cry. My breathing became more shallow, and faster, I wanted to throw the entire thing against a wall, get rid of it, not see it anymore. I wanted to go back to the gym for an additional workout. I wanted to scream, cry, hide, fight. I wanted to do a lot of things. All I actually did was stand there, shaking, upset, lost, not sure what to do, not sure what the right decision was, and so I chose to trust in what my counsellor had said. Trust that needing a post workout snack is more important than keeping myself in the 700’s. Trust that eating that smoothie bowl, and as a result eating 1007 calories for the day, wasn’t throwing away all the work I did in the gym. Wasn’t taking away from the results I want to get. Wasn’t going to make me wake up fatter tomorrow.

I don’t believe any of it. I think he will be wrong, and I will get fatter, and I won’t get the results I want in the gym, and I made the wrong choice, and I am stupid for making and eating the smoothie bowl, and I am failing, and making bad choices, and I deserve all the bad things that will happen to me because obviously I have no self control and don’t deserve anything good. My will power is gone, obviously. My self control non existent. My worthiness never existed.

Why did I let myself eat so much today? What was I thinking? I feel so glutenous. I never once thought I’d eat over a thousand calories in a day unless it was due to a binge. How could I let myself eat so much when it wasn’t a binge? What if this happens again? What if this is the beginning of me losing total control and sliding in to a land of over eating every day? What if this is the first day of the journey to being super fat? I can’t. I can’t let that happen. This can not happen again.

CAN NOT HAPPEN AGAIN!

I think I’m going to cry, and I am NOT a crier. But I’m so alone. I don’t have anyone to talk to in person about this who will help me figure out what I am doing, or why this happened, or what to do in the future. The only thing I know to do is go backwards. Revert back to how I was. I know I can do that. I don’t know if that is the answer though. But if that isn’t the answer than what is? I don’t know how to handle having eaten so much in one day. It isn’t like having to handle having eaten a crap ton of food in a binge and dealing with the physical and mental and emotional pain of that. There is no pain, physically at least. I’m not having side effects from what I ate. I just ate too much.

I don’t know how to mentally and emotionally cope with having eaten 1007 calories in a day. I’m so ashamed I ate that much. I feel like I am going to be judged for having eaten so much. I’m going to go hide now.

 

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Being An Island

I’ve always prided myself in my being an emotional island. Sure I rely on other people for things at times, it is the nature of society, we all do. You don’t see me out there farming or refining oil so I can have food or gas for my car do you? But in a lot of ways I have kept myself apart.

 

I give the illusion of being connected to people, and places, and groups, but in reality none of those people know me all that well, they just don’t realize it because I am the funny one, the one that keeps others entertained, the low maintenance one that I am sure is completely forgotten once I am not in the room.

My keeping myself apart is a learned behaviour, one that is so ingrained I don’t know any other way of being. There have been times over the years where I let someone in a little bit, and it always comes back to bite me on the ass, reminding me why I don’t get close to people in the first place.

Well, looks like I needed to relearn that lesson, sigh.

I already wrote about how my counsellor leaving has messed me up, it would seem the fallout from him leaving is wider spread than even I would have predicted.

Having to come to terms with his leaving has made me realize how much I have come to rely on him and our sessions. He is the only human being on the entire planet I have ever spoken to about deep shit, and our sessions together were a touchstone for me each week. I knew if something really fucked up happened I could speak to him about it when I saw him. I knew if I was depressed, confused, mad, whatever, I could talk to him about it. And somehow, along the way, while having someone to talk to still confused me, I also came to rely on it and look forward to it.

What a stupid, idiotic, fucked up, move that was.

I am so mad at myself for forgetting all the hard learned lessons that taught me relying or counting on someone is a bad bad bad idea.

So now, here I am, going through this freakin emotional upset (which is so foreign to me I don’t even know where to start with processing it) when I know better and should never have let myself get this attached.

While ruminating on all this I realized that to a lesser extent I am relying on the groups I attend through my recovery program. The weekly drop-in, the meal support, I rely on them as other touchstones for my week, places I can go and be around other people with similar problems. Sometimes I get support from those groups, sometimes they leave me angry, or sad, or not feeling anything at all, regardless of how they leave me feeling I keep going back. I think I rely on the structure of them, to some degree I rely on the people running them, and the others that attend the groups.

I seem to have turned in to one big soft suck who relies on all sorts of people and groups to function during the week.

And that shit has to stop. Now.

With my counsellor leaving I am feeling lost, alone, like I can’t deal with this shit on my own and I’m gonna flounder as soon as our last session ends. So how much worse will it be when I time out of the program? When all of a sudden all the groups, and support, and structure is out of my life?

If I can’t deal with losing one person, I’m royally fucked when I lose them all.

That isn’t acceptable.

So I’m pulling back. I’m pulling back and creating distance because it is better for me to do it, better for me to be the strong one who backs away and maintains some level of self-respect, than for them to all leave first and me feel lost, and sad, and unable to cope. I need to be able to be on my own again when this program is done. I need to be able to handle shit, and move on, and how am I supposed to believe in my own ability to take care of things on my own if I am busy wallowing in depression because I am now on my own?

So I’m stepping back. Distancing myself emotionally from the whole thing. Putting the walls back up.

It is safer, and smarter, and better to do this before I’m even done in the program so its not a big deal when I leave.

What sucks is, I hadn’t realized how much I was relying on the program, and now that I’m stepping back emotionally I worry that what if I have become so weak from relying on it that I can’t handle shit on my own anymore? And why does going back behind my wall make me feel almost desperate, like someone who had a brief taste of freedom and is now being put back in a cell?

I never felt trapped by how I was before, I felt strong for being able to be apart from others. But sometimes I feel sad about going back to how I was, even though it is the smarter choice. I’m not sure why I feel this way, but I’m sure it’ll go away over time.

 

Right Back

Every week I have meal support. When it was first recommended I go I said no, I mean c’mon, look at how big I am, I obviously don’t have trouble eating *rolls eyes*

It was casually suggested a couple more times, to which I casually dismissed the idea, and then the dietitian learned a bit more about me and challenged me to go to meal support.

Well fuck. I’m competitive and don’t back down from challenges, so guess who ended up at meal support?

Sigh. Me.

I went once and swore I was never going back.

Obviously, somewhere along the way, I went back. I don’t remember exactly when, prior to Christmas I think it was, and I make it pretty much every week. It is part of my routine now. A stressful part that I always want to skip, and yet, I go. Not only that I encourage others to go! Who am I becoming??

The dietitian who runs meal support is going on vacation and will be gone for two weeks, nobody else was able to cover the group, so the next two weeks don’t have meal support.

At first I was ambivalent, then kinda happy I can sleep in, then sorta sad I won’t be hanging out with my friends in that group, then the eating disorder thoughts started making themselves known.

My friends in that group and I thought maybe we’d all get together anyways, so we don’t lose that support system, ideas got tossed around about what we will do, when, where, all that stuff. Instead of a lunch time meal support we are getting together a bit later in the day, mid afternoon-ish, learning about essential oils, aaaaaand having a freakin pot luck.

What. The. Fuck.

A potluck where the food is all being brought by people with eating disorders.

I don’t even know what this will look like. I do know it is causing me some stress trying to figure out what to bring, and how much, and am I supposed to bring something that has all the food groups, or am I assuming someone else will bring something that has say, dairy, so my dish doesn’t have to have dairy. Oh the thoughts!

Then this happened…

I was making up my grocery list, I use an app called Flipp. There are some items I leave on there because I buy them often so when I am at the store and scan through the list it’ll have the reminder for say, milk, and I’ll know if I’m low and need some that week or can wait. One of those items is Greek Yoghurt. That is only on the list because of meal support. It is my go-to for the dairy component of the meal that I take every week. If I didn’t have to take a dairy item to meal support I wouldn’t have any dairy on my grocery list. I have recently started buying cheese, not as a food to take to meal support, but as a direct result of eating a dairy item each week at meal support. Apparently I am branching out with my dairy and also eating cheese every now and then when at home.

The point of that ramble is that when I was making up my grocery list this evening, I saw Greek Yoghurt on the list and my first thought was:

“Don’t need to buy that this week”

And then I mentally started thinking of all the other foods I won’t be buying this week because I’m not in meal support so I don’t need them for this week, or next. They aren’t even all foods that I use in meal support! It’s like my brain figures meal support is done for two weeks so bam! Let’s go back to how I was before I ever went.

Seriously??

Is this where my brain is?

Some recovery journey I’m on *rolls eyes* As soon as backs are turned I’m thinking about what I can get away with not eating for two weeks and gleefully wondering how much weight I can drop before she gets back and anybody notices.

My one-on-sessions haven’t ended yet, I still have three more weeks before he leaves, so I guess I’ll probably bring this up to him when I see him, except that isn’t until Wednesday, and who knows what I’ll convince myself of by then.

Here I thought I was getting closer to being able to eat oatmeal again and instead I’m mentally throwing out food that is in my fridge and freezer and promising myself I’ll never buy it again.

I feel like I can’t be left to my own devices, or trusted to not go off the deep end. And what is really a pisser is I hadn’t even realized how much meal support was reigning my behaviours in! What else haven’t I noticed?

Is It An ED Thing?

I haven’t been feeling well for a little while now, and it is pissing me off.

I am having all these disjointed symptoms that haven’t coalesced in to any one thing. By that I mean I haven’t come down with the flu, or a cold, or anything that I can point to and say “This is why I haven’t been feeling well, my body was trying to battle this bug.” I just have all these random things, that are leaving me feeling like crap.

I’m cold, all the time. I’m always cold but this is a deep in the bone, goosebumps always on my arms, leaving me feeling fragile, level of cold.

Except randomly during the night I wake up soaked in my own sweat (lovely image I know), so apparently night sweats are a thing my body does now.

I also have no appetite, shocking.

I’m tired, 24/7. I slept almost 9 hours last night and woke up exhausted. It took me 2 hours to get out of bed today, and the only reason I managed to force myself to get up was because I had to go to work.

I sprained my wrist…which ok, isn’t really a symptom, I’m just being whiny cause it hurts lol

My shoulder and arm and chest muscles are freaking killing me. I had two workouts in a row that focused on those muscles, not the wisest thing to do, but that was Wednesday and Thursday, and I am still paying for it. So not normal!

My energy level could be graded in the negatives, which I suppose ties in to the whole tired all the time thing.

I’m getting headaches and just sorta feeling blah.

Oh and the brain fog, I swear I am getting dumber by the day and my ability to concentrate has disappeared.

Today my throat was killing me, it still is but not at quite the same level.

I’m getting dizzy more often. It used to be I’d get dizzy when going up stairs at any speed but especially if I went quickly. Earlier today I leaned over to pick something up and when I stood up, dizzy.

My eyelashes are falling out faster than normal. *pout*

My “give a fuck” level is at rock bottom – that’s probably more of an emotional thing though, but I think it has gotten to where it is because I’ve been feeling like crap for so many days in a row now.

I’ve started getting these leg cramps that are so painful they make me cry and I have to muffle myself so I don’t make any noise. My leg muscle is so, what would be the word, clenched? Engaged? Whatever it is, that my foot is literally pulled up in to an extreme flexed position and I have to use my hands to try to force it back down to a normal angle, and fyi, doing that freakin hurts!

I can feel my heart, which sounds weird, I mean, if you focus on it anyone can feel their heart as it does it’s thing. But sometimes I can really feel it, like the sensation of my heart beating is somehow exaggerated, no, that isn’t the right word, more forceful maybe? Or maybe it is just that I am noticing it more at that moment?

Do you see what I mean? Some of the things on that list are more emotional or mental, so not really a physical symptom. Some of them are things that could be explained if my body was trying to fight off something and was tired from that extra work. Some of them are just stupid (sprained wrist for instance lol), and some just flat out confuse me.

I wonder if it is just too many things happening at one time and my body can’t keep up with all it has to do. Like, maybe my muscles still hurt because my body is busy trying to fight off whatever bug is making me feel tired and giving me night sweats and stealing my appetite that it just can’t deal with post-workout muscle rebuilding. And maybe my eyelashes are falling out because, well, I don’t know. But maybe the leg cramps are because I need more Vitamin C – years ago I was told to drink orange juice if I ever got a muscle cramp because the Vitamin C helps. I don’t drink juice but I could try taking a Vitamin C tablet. Maybe I should start taking a multi-vitamin again…

Before I get off on a tangent about vitamins…

I just don’t know. Maybe some of the symptoms are related to my ED, but how do I pull apart which are ED related and which aren’t. Even if I thought about going to the doctor I can’t very well show up with that list and expect her to do anything other than think I am crazy. That is a ridiculous list of things that aren’t even connected.

I’m pretty sure it is just a weird time where my body is dealing with a couple things too many and so it is struggling to take care of everything. And that can happen to anyone, whether they have an ED or not.

As a result of how crappy I was feeling today I got my shift covered tomorrow and I am taking a day off. I don’t normally have a day off, and to be honest, I already made walking / hiking plans for the afternoon – it is supposed to be a beautiful day and I don’t want to waste the sunshine! Though I never really feel that sleeping is wasting anything…and that is what I would be doing if I didn’t make plans…I’d be sleeping, probably all day, which is ridiculously lazy.

I don’t know where I am going with this post, not like I think some doctor is reading this and would provide me medical advice. It just helps me to write it down and send it out to the blogosphere sometimes.

Does anybody else out there have any symptoms like this? Or used to but doesn’t now? Just askin…ya know, for a friend. 😉

An Odd Stressor

At one of my jobs I get fed when on shift. They make amazing food there, better than anything I could ever make, and depending on what they are making will depend on if I eat at work.

Over the years (cause yes, I’ve been there yeeeeears) the chef’s have gotten used to my quirks, sorta. I get teased by some of them about not eating certain things, or lectured by others about needing more fat in my diet, but even the ones that tease me respect my food choices…they can’t really argue with them when I’ve dropped weight and everyone thinks I’m oh so healthy *rolls eyes* At work I eat lean protein and vegetables. Exciting huh?

It is usually fish, or chicken, or turkey, or eggs, for the protein. The veggies vary widely. I don’t eat starchy vegetables, (ex. corn or peas) but I eat a bunch of the other veggies. I steer clear of carbs in any obvious form…I say obvious because all veggies have carbs in them but I’ll eat say, asparagus, but not potatoes or rice or other higher carb food items. Does that make sense?…I mean, in the way weird food rules can make sense? lol

There is one food I don’t eat, and haven’t eaten in more years than I can remember, that is not on my no-go list because of my eating disorder but because of broader reasons.

I don’t eat pork, in any form. It started because I don’t care for the taste or texture of most pork products and from there it expanded to not wanting to eat pigs because they are ridiculously intelligent, freakin adorable, and ethically I don’t feel right about it.

All the chefs at work know I don’t eat pork. One of them teases me by saying pork is in everything (from the egg salad mix, to the vegetables, to the fruit salad), it is a long running joke at this point.

Last week I worked an extra shift and the chef working asked if I would eat the meatloaf for dinner. I didn’t want to, it looked too greasy, I felt I had less control over it (as if I somehow control the salmon they feed me on other days? *rolls eyes*) and I dunno, it rang all kinds of alert bells in my head as a “no” food. Sooooo, trying to get out of it I asked what was in it. He said it was fine, and gave me a tiny piece to taste. I tasted it, it wasn’t horrible, I figured I had plans to work out after work so maybe I could do this, and I said fine I’d eat the meatloaf.

I wasn’t happy about it but I was trying to think of it as testing my comfort level.

Then someone else at work mentioned they weren’t eating the meatloaf because it was a combo of three meats and they didn’t like the sound of that.

Three meats? What three meats? I was led to believe it was beef…

I asked the head Chef what meat was used in the meatloaf and he said beef, veal, and pork.

I ate pork.

I want to cry.

Even thinking about it days and days later makes me feel nauseous and teary and disgusted.

I went back to the chef who gave me the piece to try and snapped at him, turns out he assumed it was beef, didn’t actually check, the jackass.

Now, I think a more normal person would be pissed, but get over it, and the next day be fine with getting their meal at work, especially when it is fish and there is no chance of a mistake being made and they would be fed pork again.

But who says my brain does normal? I was stressing out about my meal at work all day (I worked the evening shift so I was getting fed dinner). What was going to be on the menu? Could I trust any food coming from the kitchen? Did I want to eat from that kitchen ever again? Maybe I should just not eat.

Somehow my brain went from one chef making an assumption and accidentally giving me something with pork in it to I can’t trust any of the food that comes from that kitchen no matter which chef makes it so I should no longer eat at work.

Some days I want to smack my own head against a wall.

Just because I am irritated with my own thought process on this one doesn’t mean eating at work has become any easier since this incident. I can manage to eat vegetables, for the most part, but much more slowly than before and it takes a lot of convincing to get me to eat them…by that I mean me convincing myself, I don’t have some cheerleader that follows me around cheering me at my meals lol I’m poking and picking at my veggies more than I am eating them and using the excuse that they have gone cold and don’t taste good anymore as a reason to not finish them and just throw em out. Don’t even get me started on the protein side of things. Since the pork incident I’ve been given salmon, chicken, hard boiled eggs, and turkey…of those I was able to eat without issue the hard boiled egg, everything else I pick at, take nibbles of, and then swear it feels like a lead ball in my stomach.

I don’t want to eat the food.

I seamlessly went from not sure I can trust the food, to nope I can’t trust the food, to the food makes me feel unwell in my tummy (further reinforcing why I shouldn’t bother with eating), to guess I’m not gonna eat at work anymore.

Which correct me if I’m wrong but just might be me going in the wrong direction recovery wise.

I don’t know how to fix it. And to be honest, I don’t know how driven I feel to fix it. Part of me feels like not eating at work is a good thing because really, I don’t have any control over that food, I don’t cook it, or prep it, there are probably all kinds of hidden calories in that food, it is probably better for me if I don’t eat at work. And no, I won’t take food to work cause, well, that’s a whole other blog post of crazy, but in my world that isn’t an option, so I am essentially backing myself in to a corner of self-imposed food restriction for 4-5 days per week, 8 hours each of those days. Which isn’t soooo bad, I’ve done worse, but I’m trying to do better, except I appear to be a bit ambivalent about it.

Oh my god, see why I irritate myself?

I have my one-on-one session this Wednesday, let’s see if I can irritate my counsellor just as much as I am irritating myself. Arg!

A Surprise Victory?

I attend meal support group every week. I have to take a meal with all four food groups, in proper portion sizes, and eat the entire meal in under a half hour. Then I sit around with the others there and we colour or play a game or something until it is too late to purge. The activity is supposed to keep us distracted so we don’t focus on all the food we just put in to our system and can not immediately get rid of.

Sigh.

When I first started meal support it went bad. Like, so bad. Not in the group. When in the group I seemed fine. I ate. Slowly. But I ate. I always finished my meal, it was always a well balanced combo of food, I took part in the activity and made nice.

Afterwards though, it was bad.

I felt like I had just screwed up the entire day and I would either restrict for the rest of that day and all of the next to make up for it or I would binge because I’d already screwed up so might as well make it worse.

Don’t you just love messed up logic sometimes?

Double sigh.

I have been going to this group for I don’t even know how long anymore. Months and months and months. I don’t make it every week, sometimes life gets in the way or I just can’t make myself go, but since the New Year I have been pushing myself to go each week.

This past Wednesday I realized something, ready for it?

Dun…dun…dun…

I don’t binge or restrict after meal support anymore.

I still don’t like all the food I eat being in my stomach, and it can still set me up for a bad rest of the day emotion wise, but I don’t compensate for eating that meal at a time I don’t like, in a quantity I am not comfortable with, in a setting I didn’t choose, by saying screw it and eating everything I can get my hands on or going in to lock down mode and not touching anything but tea, diet coke, and water.

I am not exactly sure when that happened…I guess it was a gradual shift and now I just sorta know how to be ok with that meal?

I’m not sure. I’m not sure what any of it means. Maybe now that I’ve told someone it won’t happen again and I’ll have screwed myself, but maybe not? Maybe this is a new normal for me, and wouldn’t that be interesting…

A Bad Couple Days

Ok so actually it is more like a bad 4 or 5 days, but that title doesn’t sound as good.

I’ve been sad for days. Sad to the point that I went to work and felt like I was barely managing to get out of there with enough energy to get home and hide from the world. I was existing at the level of just enough to not get fired or royally fuck up my world level – nothing extra.

This happens now and then, usually I hermit and after whatever length of time it takes to get through it is over I slowly emerge and try to fix all the damage I did to my world when I was too sad to give a fuck.

Real winner of a person over here I tell ya! 😉

This past Monday it was getting to a level where I was having trouble hiding it, unfortunately I had two groups that day. sigh. Nothing like trying to not show how sad you are when you’re in a group that is designed to get through to your emotions.

The first group is two hours and when it is done for the day you have to fill out this form that gives a quick snapshot of how you are doing that day and for the previous week. It asks things like if you’ve been engaging in your ed behaviours and if so how much, and have you had suicidal thoughts, what is a goal you have for the coming week, things like that.

Well, I put for my goal I was going to work on getting up more slowly from a seated position because I had noticed that when I stand I am getting dizzy. Now don’t go freaking out at me, I don’t mean dizzy like I’m gonna fall over and crack my head open, just kinda woooo everything is moving but I brace against something and I’m all good in 30 seconds or so. No biggy.

Apparently I shouldn’t have written that because after the second group one of the counsellors came up to me and mentioned the other counsellor (who had been co-running the first group) had read my form and was worried and he wanted to check with me that I was ok.

What the hell am I supposed to say if someone is looking you in the eyes and asking if you’re ok? Of course I said I was fine, brushed it off, said I wasn’t sure why it was happening but it is no biggy. He suggested I see I doctor. I told him I saw her two weeks ago and no way was I going back again so soon. He also kept saying he wanted me to make sure I took care of myself.

What does that mean?

I was so confused, but too sad to bother with asking, but it has been confusing me ever since.

Take care of myself?

Of course I take care of myself, I live alone, if I don’t take care of myself no one else will.

I’m trying to puzzle it out and I’m wondering if he meant don’t engage in any self-harm behaviours? Or maybe he meant don’t engage in eating disorder behaviours?…Which seems a large request to be making…or maybe he meant to try to nudge me in to changing my mind and go to the doctor after all?

I dunno.

I saw him today for one-on-one and meant to ask him but got distracted by our convo. He mentioned something that has been bugging me since our one-on-one (I swear this man has the ability to say things that leave me pondering for days lol). At that second group a diagram was drawn and everyone was all “oh I get that, I really connect with that, I never really understood that until now” where as I was all “what the fuck?” So, after everyone was done with their glowing remarks and I felt like I was gonna burst in to tears because the diagram just made me even more sad I spoke up and said:

“this picture makes me sad”

Five little words.

I never say if I am sad. Hell, I don’t say if I am any emotion but especially not sad!

And yet, those words came out of my mouth, because apparently I am slowly learning how to share and that evening I couldn’t keep my emotions to myself. They felt like they were brimming over, about to burst out, and it was either say something or explode.

So I said the picture makes me sad, and explained why.

And people listened. One of the other people in group said how they hadn’t looked at it that way (my way) but she could see why I interpret the picture that way and feel sad as a result. I just this moment realized she validated my emotions…I don’t know that anybody has done that before…huh…

But ok, not the point!

So that all happened. Then today in the one-on-one my counsellor said that the other counsellor that was there Monday said that my saying I was sad, and sharing, was the first time she felt I was ever truthful about what I am feeling. It is the first time since her and I have been in groups together that I really shared my true emotion.

I want to get offended by that, or mad, or something, but I can’t, because I don’t easily share what I am feeling. Not to people I know really well, especially not to people I don’t really know, or don’t know at all. She is new to me. She just appeared one week, I guess she was away for a while, others knew her, but to me she was just a new face that seemed to feel she knew how everything worked and ran and like she had some right to be there asking me questions, replacing the counsellors I had finally gotten used to over the months I have been there.

Why would she think I would just boom! open up to her, or around her, when I don’t know her?

So now I have lots of things to ruminate on…what I spoke with my counsellor about today, the fact that I actually shared a real time emotion in group, trying to figure out what he meant about taking care of myself, the fact that this new to me counsellor is talking about me to the other counsellor…sigh…