I have gained 1.5 pounds.
Don’t mock me, don’t say “it’s only 1.5 pounds”, don’t belittle that gain, please.
To me any gain is bad. A gain as large as 1.5 pounds is tantamount to failure, to derailment, to the beginning of a long lasting damage inducing binge cycle.
When I gain I go one of two ways. I either say I’ve screwed up can’t fix it now and go on a food bender that lasts anywhere from days to months and causes physical, emotional, and psychological damage. Or I go in to damage control mode and I clamp down on everything, I restrict like it is my sole focus in life (because it is), and I have nothing else on my mind but eating as little as humanly possible, while moving as much as physically possible, until I not only lose whatever I gained but lose more than that, so I have a bit of a safety net on the scale.
It is possible the weight gain is muscle, I have been back to my sports practices again, and I’ve been doing more manual labour type things at home, so maybe I gained a bit of muscle mass. But I don’t think so. I have been lax lately, having little nibbles of things I would normally never touch. Tasting foods friends bring me to try instead of saying I’ll try it later and then throwing it out. I’ve have a couple binges, some huge, some not so huge. And on top of that I’ve been vaguely trying, some of the time, to eat in way that would be more compliant to what my recovery program asks of me. My nutritionist has been on vacation so I sorta took that as an excuse to stop trying the stuff she asks me to do, but some days I kinda sorta tried, like the other day I ate three meals in one day! I mean sure, small meals, that combined didn’t get me to over 1000 calories, but still, eating that many times in one day is unheard of for me.
And that is what I blame the scale number on.
Not being more active. Not gaining muscle.
Nope. I blame it on weakened willpower. I blame it on my failure to control what goes in my mouth. I blame it on me and my inability to stay strong.
I blame me.
I am livid. Devastated. I punched a wall after I weighed myself. Then I almost cried, not from the pain of punching a wall (I am used to that), but from the pain I felt inside when I saw that number. The aching, jagged, pain, that was in my chest, radiating out to my whole body, letting me know how badly I had failed.
Is or is not my goal to lose weight?
Why yes, yes it is.
So why then have I been sabotaging myself by having nibbles of things here and there, having binges, eating more than one meal and one snack in a day?
Either I don’t want it badly enough, or I am weak and unable to resist the thing I want right now for the thing I ultimately want.
As soon as I left the bathroom after weighing myself I went in to food lock down mode.
Only very specific foods are allowed, and only in very specific combinations, and only in very specific quanities.
Today I ate 1/2 C oatmeal before work. At work I ate 1/3 C cubed beets and a turkey sandwich. That puts me at 548 calories for the day. On top of that I drank 6 cups of tea. Normally I would have had a diet coke but I ran out of time at work and my rule is the only thing I ingest after work is tea and water so alas, no diet coke for me.
I will get rid of this 1.5 pounds. And I will lose more than that to prove that I can. And I really hope I lose it before Wednesday, at the latest Thursday. I want to be more definitive about the “when” but my body has proven to me time and time again that it loses on it’s own schedule, all I can do is enforce the rules and wait till it does what I want.
I can’t gain weight, I can’t allow it, it is not a thing that is ok in my world and I will fight weight gain with every last inch of strength in my body.
I can do this. I can be strong.