Tag Archives: ed

The Brink of Tears

I’m fairly certain that eating two eggs (scrambled) on a hoagie bun is not an activity that is supposed to make a person almost cry.

And yet…

I feel like it has been almost an entire week of failure. I had my massive binge last Sunday, then days of physical recovery from that, then I ate half a pack of cookies a different day, then I ate some cookies and ice cream last night, then today I ate food after coming home from work.

In my world these are all massive failures, and having them all happen in one week, one right after another, is messing with my head.

I’ve got to get a handle on things over here or I’m going to end up back in the land of binges multiple times a week and I can’t handle that. I just…I just can’t.

Normally I don’t eat when I get home from work, when I work an evening shift I don’t get home until around ten at night. Once I am home I shower, do random things, make some tea, and by the time I might even be slightly thinking of food I’ve decided it is too late and I’m not going to bother. Doesn’t matter if I feel hungry or not, I don’t eat. I used to, and I found that was one of my most likely times to binge, so I cut that shit out. My body got used to the not eating after work thing and I stopped feeling hungry when I got home, something I count as a win!

But this past week I have really fucked things up. All those random extra high calorie foods has got my body thinking it wants more food and it has the nerve to send me hunger signals. Signals I am scared I might not be able to resist.

You might be thinking whats the big deal, if you feel hungry than eat. But I’m scared that I will eat things like ice cream, or other high calorie disastrous foods that I don’t let myself eat and that whatever I do eat I will eat in large quantities because heaven forbid I know and follow things like proper portion sizes.

Those, fyi, are totally valid fears.

So tonight I was in my post-work shower and couldn’t figure out what I was feeling. I wasn’t sure if I was feeling hungry or if I was feeling like I wanted to eat but for reasons other than hunger. Maybe I thought I wanted to eat but I was actually just bored, or thirsty, or upset about something…I should be careful because no point in eating if I am not actually hungry but being tricked into feeling hunger, right?

I knew that my brain kept thinking about ice cream so I promised myself that if I was going to eat it would be an egg, maybe an egg on toast (which is how I usually eat an egg), but at least the egg. It has protein. It is healthy. I am allowed one a day and I haven’t had an egg in a while. Plus, if I was legit hungry than an egg is an ok option for taking care of that hunger. If I am not actually hungry well, an egg won’t cause too much damage, least not as much as say, ice cream.

I ended up scrambling two eggs and putting them on a toasted hoagie bun. I don’t know what came over me. All those carbs. TWO eggs in one day. Ugh. Broke sooooo many rules with that meal, and yet, I ate it.

After I ate it and there was no turning back from what I did I sat there, watching a movie but hardly paying any attention to it, and I wanted to cry. I kept thinking about how last week I would never have even considered eating something once I was home from work, even if I had felt hungry I wouldn’t have eaten something, and today I caved because I thought I might be hungry. And not only did I cave I ate something that isn’t a safe meal (though I suppose it is a variation on one) and I ate a way larger portion than normal. This is on top of eating dinner at work aaaaaaaaand some oatmeal before going to work.

That is three freakin meals in one day. THREE!

Now do you see why I wanted to cry?

I feel like a failure. I have let myself down. I am so depressed and I don’t see the point anymore.

I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat, disgusting, woman. I have rolls of fat. My stomach sticks out so far it is heinous. Every part of me is swollen, and pudgy, and gross. I swear it wasn’t this bad last week. That binge started me on a free for all that has resulted in me looking noticeably fatter already. How is that possible? Why does it take so much hard work, so much dedication, so much sacrifice, to lose even one pound, but I can gain so much of that lost weight back in one stupid week.

The scale, urg, the scale. I didn’t step on it today but I stepped on it yesterday and it showed I was the same, but it has to be lying because I can see what I look like and I am definitely noticeably fatter. 😦

So I sat there, post egg on a hoagie bun, realizing that I have just pushed myself farther away from my goal by caving and eating.  Realizing that I was already noticeably fatter when I went to work today and now that I came home and ate some more food I am going to be even fatter tomorrow. Realizing that tomorrow I will step on the scale and will hate myself. Realizing that I am a failure. Realizing that I had gone so long without a binge, then I had one last Sunday and I am still dealing with the fallout from that binge. Realizing that what is the point of recovery when I’m still binge eating after all this time. Realizing that recovery may not be for everybody. Realizing I am freakin exhausted and I wish it was like it was before I realized I had a problem because I may have been engaging in just as many (or even more) bad for me behaviours but at least I was oblivious to just how much I was fucking up and could pretend what I did was normal.

This sucks. And I still want to cry. But I don’t do stuff like that so instead I’ll go try to sleep, at least when I am unconscious I am not aware of how much I hate myself.

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What My Stomach Feels

This may seem strange to other people but…I don’t really know what the sensations my stomach sends out mean, at least not every time…do other people know how to decode the sensations they feel in their stomachs? I think they probably do, which just makes me a weirdo in yet another way. *rolls eyes*

I gained another pound this week. Last week I lost 0.4lbs so it is safe to say I am NOT impressed. I want to be going down in weight, not staying the same, or going up, and yet, if you average the month I stayed the same. sigh. I go up a little. I go down a little. I go up a little. I go down a little. You get the idea. It sucks!

I can’t find the correlation between what I am doing wrong and the weight gain, I mean ok sure I had a couple binges in there…maybe more than a couple, but I counteracted the binges with restricting days and increased activity so I thought things would be ok.

They are not ok.

So I made a promise to myself, which I already hate because I loathe people who break promises but oh man, this one is freakin hard and I shouldn’t have done it.

I promised myself that every single time I eat something I will eat along with that meal or snack either some fruit or some veggies. I haven’t been eating them very often because well, oh geez, the explanation might need its own paragraph…

Ok, so I tend to not eat fruits and veg not because I don’t like them but because they are not a safe food. You would think they would be safe right? I know a lot of people who have veggies for safe foods because they are low cal but I don’t track calories I track Weight Watcher points. In the land of WW fruits and veggies are 0 points, which means you can eat as many as you want and it doesn’t count against your daily points – your Daily Points being how much food you have to eat in a day. So say you eat a 3oz chicken breast and a cup of veggies, you count the chicken but not the veggies when tallying how many points of food you eat.

But! Just because something doesn’t have points in the land of WW doesn’t mean it doesn’t have calories! Or fat! Or carbs!

If I eat those zero point foods then I don’t have enough space in my stomach to eat food that has points. I also mentally can’t handle eating that much food. So…I cut the zero point food out of my world. Not an absolute cut them out, I eat a tiny bit of fruit and veg, but not very much. I figured I was doing a good thing, all those people on WW who eat their daily points worth of food aaaaand eat fruits and veggies, they are taking in waaaaay more calories than they realize! I was being smart, seeing the flaw and adjusting for it.

However, in my more rational moments I realize I am not eating a well balanced meal plan and maybe the lack of ya know, food groups, is affecting my weight loss?

My safe foods are:

oatmeal, PB2 (powdered peanut butter), bread (two slices a day max), protein pancakes, eggs (one a day max), egg whites (two a day max), turkey bacon (two slices a day max), light shredded cheese (20g max a day), plain chicken breasts (2 per week max), 3oz salmon (1-2 per week max), greek yoghurt OR light cottage cheese (2-3 times a week max)

This past week I was craving corn flakes like crazy so I snagged some from work and added those in to the rotation but otherwise, it doesn’t change much. Obviously I don’t eat all that food in one day, but that is what I rotate between.

So yeah…not really seeing fruit or veg in there. I was eating bananas for a while, I was on a real kick with them and ate one a day, and before the banana kick I was also eating apples, the occasional orange, but like I said, I had to stop because if I eat an orange I am full and can’t eat food that has points that I am supposed to track, which means I end up under my points for the day and according to the program rules that is really bad. Like, epic bad.

Back to my promise to myself…I am now swearing that for a week, every time I eat something I will also have a piece of fruit or some veggies.

So tonight after working out I ate veggies with my chicken…and then I didn’t know what my stomach was doing.

It felt weird, it was making noticeable sensations and I have nooooo idea what they meant. Did they mean I hadn’t eaten enough and was hungry? I decided no since I’d just eaten a full meal by anyone’s standards. Did it mean I cooked something wrong and was getting food poisoning? I decided no because I didn’t throw up. Did it mean I ate too much? Quite possibly, I’m not great at understanding portions. Did it mean I ate when I shouldn’t have? Also quite possible, except, I was back from working out for 2 hours and according to the rules of WW and of people who seem to have this normal eating thing figured out, I should be eating.

So what the hell?

My stomach is making all these weird sensations that I can feel, that are distracting me from the tv show I was trying to watch, that are making me get up and move around because I can’t stand to be feeling them, and I don’t know what they mean, and they are freaking me out!

It is so much easier when I don’t eat, I can identify the pain from not eating, the feeling of my stomach giving up on getting food that day, the feeling of being empty.

This? This sensation that came right after I ate, this I can’t identify and oh man I do not like it.

How do I make it stop??

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And Again

Last night I stopped at the grocery store after work. A dangerous time for me. Its like buying at night time somehow brings out the binge monster in me. I can 100% say if I didn’t live alone I’d be a secret eater. sigh.

So yeah, was in the store, bought some normal stuff but also bought donuts and ice cream.

Fuck.

Then I get home, turn the kettle on to make tea and whatdoyaknow, the ice cream magically got opened. Go figure.

I knew, 100% knew, if I sat down with that tub of ice cream I would eat the entire thing. I could even see me, sitting on my living room chair, taking bites of donuts between spoonfuls of ice cream.

The vision of me doing that made me disgusted with myself while also making me want it even more.

So I made a new rule, I can only eat the ice cream while standing up in the kitchen. I wanted to eat the ice cream way faster than I was but it is cold (obviously) and I have to eat things like that sorta slow cause my mouth freezes super easy and makes it hard to eat. Yeah I know I am weird.

I bought chocolate and peanut butter swirl. Weirdly enough the actual chocolate ice cream is mediocre but the swirls of peanut butter and the mini pb chocolate cups that are in the ice cream are amazing so at one point I was mostly digging to find those. I think I could dump that whole thing out, dig out the peanut butter swirls and the chocolate cups, just eat those, and be a happy camper.

Wonder how many calories I would save doing that…

Not the point!

The point is that even though I would only allow myself to eat it while standing up I still managed to eat a lot of it. And when I say a lot I mean A LOT!

Then of course there were the donuts…I only had two but two, on top of the ice cream is bad enough.

If you are wondering why I only had two it is because that is all I bought. I knew I would eat however many I bought and even while I was in the store picking them out of the display case part of me was fighting the upcoming binge.

I didn’t want to binge.

I wanted to binge more than anything.

Obviously the side that wanted to binge won, as it always seems to do (eventually). But I guess if I couldn’t stop the binge at least I could stop it from being even bigger…does that make any sense?

Its like when you have a cut, you can’t make your body clot any faster so you can’t actually stop yourself from bleeding, but you can put a bandaid on the cut and help it be not so bad.

Afterwards I did not feel good. I went and showered and ended up crying in the shower, the only place I will cry since tears are hidden by water. Ending up sitting on the floor of my shower, being pummeled by water, crying, after eating a crap tonne of calories, was not how I envisioned ending my night.

I’d had such a good day up until then. Eaten healthy foods in quantities I was ok with. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what brought on this binge. It just sorta happened.

It is one thing to binge because something horrible happened, at least then you know why you are doing it. But this, this was just, I dunno…because?

“Because” is not a good enough reason but it is all I have right now.

I am so ashamed. So mad at myself. So depressed I once again engaged in this behaviour.

Mostly I am just ashamed.

ashamed

For Realsies?

Sigh.

I grocery shopped today. I bought a frozen pizza (pepperoni), a box of store brand macaroni & cheese (it is surprisingly better than KD), partial fixings for a binge meal for another day (the rest of the items can be bought at a different store for cheaper), cake mix, cheese, I think that’s it…I want to say I bought something healthy but can’t think of anything…wait! I bought two bananas!…purchased because (1) I like them and (2) I wanted to look like I was buying random forgotten things and not just binge food and thought bananas would help with that…as if anyone actually looked in my basket and cared *rolls eyes*

The pizza is gone, eaten in under 10 minutes, well, maybe 15 minutes as I waited a bit for it to cool.

The cake mix will be made and baked pretty soon.

I am doing my freakin best to forget the macaroni & cheese is in my cupboard.

I can’t do anything with the partial fixings for a different days binge meal.

The cheese has been opened and partially eaten.

I am trying to be grateful I didn’t also buy the ice cream I wanted, it was in my basket but I managed to put it back. I also put back donuts, cookies, a cake…sigh.

It is a good thing nobody does watch me when I grocery shop because I must’ve looked like an idiot. Picking something up, putting it back, walking to a different aisle, picking something else up, putting it back, staring for a good 10 minutes at the fresh baking wishing I could buy all the donuts but knowing I’ll hate myself if I eat them and knowing I would eat them if I bought them so all I could do was stare and not touch.

I weighed in today and gained 0.8lbs. Might as well be 80lbs with the way it made me feel. I was already in a bit of a slump but that weigh-in exasperated my unhappiness with my self and I’d say “wallowing in depression” is an accurate way to describe the rest of my day. Which led to a “fuck it” attitude. Which led to that grocery shopping trip. Which led to me devouring an entire pizza and then some.

I irritate myself.

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Not Imaginative Enough

I tend to think of myself as someone with a pretty decent imagination but when it comes to getting past my eating disorder and being “normal” I just can’t imagine it.

I can’t imagine not always worrying about what I am eating, or not eating, checking nutritional information, tracking my food, denying myself something tasty, labeling foods as “good” and “bad”, eating more than 7 foods on a regular basis, judging myself and every action or inaction I take with food, adjusting my life to accommodate my eating disorder…the list goes on…I just…I can’t see it…

At group today there was a guest speaker, someone who went through the program and has been recovered for years. She was there to talk to us about her experience, some of what she went through, answer questions. She was a good speaker, easy to listen to, seemed comfortable telling her story, answered all questions asked of her buuuuuut I dunno if I believe her.

Not that I am saying I think she is a flat out liar, just, I don’t know how anyone can claim some of the things she says, let alone someone who used to have an eating disorder.

She says she doesn’t weigh herself anymore, like, at all! She also says she doesn’t track her food intake in any way. She eats intuitively and she eats whatever she feels like eating, so if she wants fish ‘n chips she has it, if she wants a doughnut she has it, whatever she wants to eat she eats it and has no guilt about eating that particular food.

Is that even a thing? An actual possible thing?

I don’t think it is…

She says she exercises because it feels good, not to punish herself for something she ate.

Yeah sure, ok.

Here I am restricting my food intake because I so desperately want to binge but I am trying so hard not to and the only way I know to not binge is to not eat. If I eat something I’ll eat everything, so I eat nothing…or barely nothing, and what I do eat is a safe food. Which fyi, the list has gotten drastically smaller for what I consider safe. And that girl is saying she eats whatever she wants and has no guilt?

Not only does she apparently not engage in any eating disorder behaviours she also doesn’t have any of the thoughts. My brain is a constant swirl of ed thoughts and she says she has none of them? Not even vague lingering ones? What would be in my brain if it wasn’t always thinking ed stuff? It would probably be the most quiet, boring, brain in the world!

I don’t know how todays meeting was supposed to help me…maybe it was meant to inspire me? Let me know I can recover? Show me actual proof of someone who made it to the other side?

All I feel like I saw was a woman who says she doesn’t think or act a certain way but in gaining that she also gained weight and is not fat exactly but not thin…not where I want to be…why does recovery always seem to involve ending up larger than you want to be? Why can’t people recover but stay thin? Aaaaand that is a rant for another day! lol

I dunno…I don’t see what I am getting from these sessions…maybe recovery isn’t for everyone and I am meant to stay the way I am?

unwinnable-battle

Not A Great Day

The title says it all. Today is not a great day. I woke up in a blah mood, not really wanting to face the world but having things I had to do so out I went. I really should have never left the apartment, ugh. I am easily irritated today, have no patience, am near tears, and just want to hide from everyone and everything.

At the same time part of me just doesn’t care. I was driving earlier, saw a car coming, turned anyways, cut them off, they were blowing their horn at me, it was a dumb ass move that could have caused an accident and yet…I just don’t care. I didn’t care when I did it, I don’t care now, I am numb.

I had a work lunch, they served Malaysian food, I took a random assortment of things, mostly things in sauces that spread out a lot so my plate looked like it had more food on it than it really did. I also purposefully took a serving of the pork dish, pretending I didn’t realize it was pork, so when I sat down and “discovered” the pork I could be all shocked and dismayed and nobody blinked at me not eating that part of my food – they all know I don’t eat pork. Yay for being good at deceiving people I guess…

I went to a drop in meeting last Monday for people with ED. I have been on a waiting list for 4 months to get some sort of help, frankly I kinda thought they forgot about me, so I was plugging along, doing my own thing, losing weight and doing ok when out of nowhere they called. I had an info session type of thing, learned the rules etc, and then had my first group meeting. I start actual classes or something in January but until then I am required to attend minimum 2 drop in sessions per month. There are 3 different types of drop in session and I can pick any combo of the three types I want.

The one I went to is a Weekly Support Group. The other two are a Weekly Relaxation / Meditation Group and a Weekly Meal Support Group.

The Weekly Support Group was ok I guess. A bunch of people with various eating disorders sitting around talking about all kinds of things with a shrink and a dietitian sitting with us for mediation / information / feedback. It was weird to hear other people talking about behaviours that I do, or about having the same thoughts that I think. It isn’t like I thought I was the only person who had these thoughts or behaviours or issues but I’ve never talked openly to anyone about them and never heard other people talking openly about what they do.

Since that meeting though, my restrictive eating has increased. I had gotten to what I thought of as a decent balance of food, not too much food, not too little food, for me. This past week though it seems like there is no end to situations that occur that end with me eating something I shouldn’t, and all the restricting I have been doing has not been enough compensation, resulting in my having gained weight this week. 😦

I knew I had gained weight, I could feel that I had, and I am freakin miserable about it. Seeing that number on the scale go up makes me want to cry, or punch something, or not care when I drive, or binge, or purge, or restrict more, or engage in any number of not good for me activities.

So ever since weigh-in today I’ve been struggling. Before weigh-in I was just in a bad mood, since weigh-in I am in a destructive mood. On my way home part of me was all “might as well drive to a bakery and get allllll the food!” while another part of me was all “no food! for minimum 24 hours! must fix this!”

I don’t know which part to listen to, eat everything, eat nothing…I just don’t know.

I compromised, when I got home I took a Cayenne Pepper extract and a Green Tea extract. You are supposed to take them when eating a meal but it was pretty soon after my work lunch so I hoped it would still count. The combo is supposed to help you metabolize your food faster. I decided that if it seemed like they had worked, and if later in the day I feel hungry, I would allow myself some vegetables. If they didn’t seem to work then I would just drink lots of water, tea, and diet coke and wait to eat until sometime tomorrow afternoon.

I’m so mad at going up 1.8lbs in weight when I’ve been working so hard and as of last week had lost 18lbs. Now I feel like I have to start all over.

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Pressure

I worked an odd shift today, 1pm – 9pm, and I was super sleep deprived when I eventually got up to get ready for work so I had juuuuust barely enough time to make my standard first meal of the day.

I am very unoriginal with my first meal of the day but for some reason, if I eat these items as my first meal, I have no guilt over eating them, no stress, no worrying. I don’t know why…I also feel like it gives me a solid start to my day so I can then go a long time without eating, because I ate a proper first meal. I think part of it is a placebo thing but whatever, I’ll take it lol

My first meal is always two slices of turkey bacon, one egg over easy, and two pieces of brown toast. That is sorta the baseline, after that I have some variations I play with. So for today I had those items but I also had 9 slices of mushroom that I put in the pan with the turkey bacon to cook them, sometimes I will also have 4 baby tomatos sliced in half (also cooked in the pan). Ummm, what else, if I am feeling adventurous I will put some cheese on one piece of toast then layer the turkey bacon, veggies and egg on top and eat it as an open faced sandwich. The second piece of toast I will eat on its own. In my world toast always comes in pairs lol

I had to make sure I ate this today before work because there was a buffet at work in celebration of Canada Day and the menu looked amazing, but oh so bad for me. But amazing! Lucky for me when I am full, and I’m in a restricting phase, no food, no matter how amazing, can tempt me to eat. So I walked the buffet line because friends at work were encouraging me to grab something to eat and I didn’t take a damn thing. I didn’t even take something to hold on to and eat later! I was very proud lol 😛

But then later at work things got hard. sigh. I had a salad for dinner with 7 prawns on top and some fresh fruit salad. Since I am on weight watchers this counted as a very good meal. It did fill me up which was great. The hard part was it was a stressful shift and allllll I wanted was chocolate. Then the wanting of chocolate turned in to the wanting of basically any food. I wanted to cram my mouth with any and every food from the kitchen. Pastries? Sure! Ice cream? Gimme! A peach tart? Yummm! My work is always filled with desserts and my stress and just general love of desserts was making me want them all. Hell, I would have settled for stale cookies if only I could have managed to binge eat them while at work with no one seeing.

Of course I couldn’t eat any of the treats at work but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t constantly thinking about food. And oh boy do I mean constantly! Every single thing I did I was using part of my brain to think about food, about what I want to eat, about how good it would taste, about how it would take away the stress I was feeling, about how it would make me feel better. I contemplated coming home and having a binge, or waiting until I was the only staff member left and having a binge at work, basically I couldn’t stop thinking about all that food and having a binge.

The pressure mounting in my brain was ridiculous. The pressure I was feeling inside, the emotional pressure I mean, was not something I am equipped to handle. There was so much pressure and I had no way to release it, no way to stop my thoughts, no way to stop wishing I could binge, no way to fix any of this!

I never got an opportunity at work to binge, one of the servers was also working the overnight shift so she not only never left but started her second shift working in the kitchen so no way I could binge with her there to see. No way to even smuggle the food out of the kitchen. I felt better when my opportunity was gone. If there was no actual way I could binge at work well, I dunno, it is like some of that pressure released a bit.

I also managed to not binge at home. Once I left work the urge got a little less. It wasn’t gone, not by any means, and if I wasn’t (1) trying my damnedest to restrict right now and (2) technically trying to not epically fail at weight watchers, I would have binged, massively. I would have stopped at the store on my way home and bought all kinds of food. So I just made sure to not stop at the store, any store. I took a route home that is longer but doesn’t have me driving past McDonald’s and when I got home I immediately turned on some music and hopped in the shower – distraction! distraction! distraction!

Some eating did happen when I got home but controlled, fit in to my weight watchers points, eating.

I find though that I am under eating almost daily according to weight watcher rules. The only times I haven’t under eaten are days when I cave and binge eat. When I scan back in the app and look at previous days they all show me with points remaining for the day when they are supposed to show me at zero – indicating I ate my daily points and didn’t go over. But nope, not me, I seem to consistently have daily points left, I’m not sure how bad this is in the weight watcher world but I’m thinking its not good. It is kinda like being told you should be eating around 1400 calories a day and only eating 780. But see calories I understand so I always knew just how much I was under eating, with points I’m not really sure. Is 6 points under ok, or bad, or super bad? If 6 is bad does that mean the days I am 12 points under, or 20 under put me in the uber super duper bad category? I just don’t know…

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