Category Archives: Rant

Weight Gain

I have gained 1.5 pounds.

Don’t mock me, don’t say “it’s only 1.5 pounds”, don’t belittle that gain, please.

To me any gain is bad. A gain as large as 1.5 pounds is tantamount to failure, to derailment, to the beginning of a long lasting damage inducing binge cycle.

When I gain I go one of two ways. I either say I’ve screwed up can’t fix it now and go on a food bender that lasts anywhere from days to months and causes physical, emotional, and psychological damage. Or I go in to damage control mode and I clamp down on everything, I restrict like it is my sole focus in life (because it is), and I have nothing else on my mind but eating as little as humanly possible, while moving as much as physically possible, until I not only lose whatever I gained but lose more than that, so I have a bit of a safety net on the scale.

It is possible the weight gain is muscle, I have been back to my sports practices again, and I’ve been doing more manual labour type things at home, so maybe I gained a bit of muscle mass. But I don’t think so. I have been lax lately, having little nibbles of things I would normally never touch. Tasting foods friends bring me to try instead of saying I’ll try it later and then throwing it out. I’ve have a couple binges, some huge, some not so huge. And on top of that I’ve been vaguely trying, some of the time, to eat in way that would be more compliant to what my recovery program asks of me. My nutritionist has been on vacation so I sorta took that as an excuse to stop trying the stuff she asks me to do, but some days I kinda sorta tried, like the other day I ate three meals in one day! I mean sure, small meals, that combined didn’t get me to over 1000 calories, but still, eating that many times in one day is unheard of for me.

And that is what I blame the scale number on.

Not being more active. Not gaining muscle.

Nope. I blame it on weakened willpower. I blame it on my failure to control what goes in my mouth. I blame it on me and my inability to stay strong.

I blame me.

I am livid. Devastated. I punched a wall after I weighed myself. Then I almost cried, not from the pain of punching a wall (I am used to that), but from the pain I felt inside when I saw that number. The aching, jagged, pain, that was in my chest, radiating out to my whole body, letting me know how badly I had failed.

Is or is not my goal to lose weight?

Why yes, yes it is.

So why then have I been sabotaging myself by having nibbles of things here and there, having binges, eating more than one meal and one snack in a day?

Either I don’t want it badly enough, or I am weak and unable to resist the thing I want right now for the thing I ultimately want.

discipline

As soon as I left the bathroom after weighing myself I went in to food lock down mode.

Only very specific foods are allowed, and only in very specific combinations, and only in very specific quanities.

Today I ate 1/2 C oatmeal before work. At work I ate 1/3 C cubed beets and a turkey sandwich. That puts me at 548 calories for the day. On top of that I drank 6 cups of tea. Normally I would have had a diet coke but I ran out of time at work and my rule is the only thing I ingest after work is tea and water so alas, no diet coke for me.

I will get rid of this 1.5 pounds. And I will lose more than that to prove that I can. And I really hope I lose it before Wednesday, at the latest Thursday. I want to be more definitive about the “when” but my body has proven to me time and time again that it loses on it’s own schedule, all I can do is enforce the rules and wait till it does what I want.

I can’t gain weight, I can’t allow it, it is not a thing that is ok in my world and I will fight weight gain with every last inch of strength in my body.

I can do this. I can be strong.

stop eating 3

dont eat

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Emotional Eating

For the longest time I didn’t think I engaged in emotional eating. Eventually I came to terms with the knowledge that when I am depressed, sad, going through something shitty, basically down, I emotionally eat. That is when I am most likely to binge. When I am most likely to rely on food to (1) help me not feel anything at all and (2) deal with the emotions that manage to bubble up from where all the food I ate pushed them.

Well…this past week I got great news, amazing news, news that made me so incredibly happy, and about half a second after I got the news my brain was screaming at me “STOP EATING!!!!”

I was immediately bombarded with an absolute fear of all food and the certain knowledge I had to uber restrict starting right away.

Part of me fully, 100% agreed, with this. I know I have to restrict asap. I have to look my absolute best in 2 weeks time and I can’t do that looking how I look now can I? No of course I can’t, I am fat, and weak, and disgusting, and I have to work! work! work! to make myself even a little bit better as soon as I can so I look my best for this upcoming event.

A teeny tiny part of my brain took a step back and muttered, “girl, you’re tripping”. You got invited to this event by people who know what you look like, they chose you because you fit the criteria they have for this event, they don’t want you to drastically change in this two week time span. Just keep on doing what you’ve been doing and you’ll be fine. Don’t restrict. Don’t cut yourself down to 400-700 calories a day. Don’t. Do. It.

For the rest of the day I fought the urge to restrict. I ate my meal plan, which is still technically under eating but whatever, it is more than 700 calories which is what I was eating prior to my trying to get better so for now it’ll hafta do.

By the end of the day I was filled with so much despair and desperation because I hadn’t started restricting I wanted to binge. I was so convinced I was ruining my chances, destroying this opportunity, by not restricting, I wanted to go in the opposite direction and eat allllllll the food.

I managed to not binge.

I also managed to somehow realize that these emotional swings I was having were leading me to want to either restrict or binge…or was it the wanting to restrict and binge that was leading to me having all these emotions? It’s all a circle to me, hard to figure out where any of it starts.

The next day I started off ok, on track food wise, then I had an unplanned meal in a restaurant for lunch where I had to make a super fast food decision and I thought I picked well but when I pulled up the nutritional information later I learned I made a big mistake. My only saving grace was I didn’t eat the entire meal and I worked out to help burn it off.

It wasn’t a binge, since it was a portion some other person would have eaten, and I didn’t follow it up with a bunch of other food, but it gave me a similar emotional response as a binge because it was a bigger portion of food than what I usually eat.

It pushed down all the emotions I was feeling for a while, then guilt surged in to take the place of all those emotions, then the emotions swirled back, so now I was feeling guilty, and unworthy, and disgusting, and blah blah blah.

I gotta say, that meal didn’t really help me in the end.

So here I am, days later, still fighting the simultaneous urges to restrict and binge. Part of me knows that engaging in either of those behaviours will not help me in two weeks time when I will be at this event, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to engage in them…like an alcoholic wanting a drink to smooth the edges, I want the soothing effect of my drug, my food, or my feeling strong by resisting all food. But I can’t. I can’t engage in either behaviour right now because it could endanger my ability to be at my best in two weeks.

This is so messed up, I hate it.

my head

tired

All The Emotions

For a while I was feeling alllllll the emotions, well, the negative unhappy ones, and then I binged on fresh from the oven cookies and now I feel nothing.

I am numb.

I am exhausted.

I am pretty sure under the numbness the binge brought on I am still pissed off and sad though…

My car got broken in to and some stuff stolen. My window is smashed into a million small pieces of glass, my iPod, multiple pairs of sunglasses (cause I’m that weirdo with multiple pairs) and my Kit Kat Crunchy bar are all gone.

Who steals that combination of stuff??

And whats weirder, who steals that combination of stuff but leaves the gps system, the stereo, the insurance that has so much personal info on it ID theft would be crazy easy to accomplish?

Idiots. Or children. Or both.

My car got broken in to and my stuff stolen by idiots who may or may not be children.

I hate people.

I thought I was handling everything ok. I reported to the RCMP. I called my insurance people. I acknowledged there is nothing more I can do today because all the shops were closed when this happened so I cleaned up the mess, emptied the car of everything else, taped up the window with a garbage bag, parked the car so the broken side is right up against the wall of a building, left all the little compartments inside open so anyone who looks in can see there is nothing in the car, put the club on my steering wheel, and am forced to leave it overnight and hope nothing else happens to it.

Tomorrow I will do all the calling to the shops to find one that can fix the damage and provide me with a courtesy car. Tomorrow I can take steps to fix this.

Tonight all I can do is sit, and feel alllll the emotions, and jump between unmanageable anger and tears, until I binged, and now I feel nothing except depressed.

I’m emotionally attached to that iPod, it was a graduation gift, and it is super old so not like anybody else will be able to use it…unless they kept one computer running with old operating software strictly so they could keep using that one old iPod…which I highly doubt.

Not like I can afford to replace the iPod either, so now I am music-less, not really a state I find comfort in. I use music to distract me from my thoughts all the time. When I exercise, when I’m walking, when I’m doing errands, driving, cleaning, random times I take public transit…I am never out of my place without that iPod…and now it is gone.

I want it back.

Obviously my wanting it back won’t get it back, but it doesn’t change that I want it. The best I can do is keep an eye out for someone trying to sell it on Craigslist, so my odds of finding it are slim to none.

I thought I was doing kind of ok when it came to handling things lately but this sent me over the edge in to cookie land. It would have been much worse if I could drive my vehicle and get to the store because all I really wanted was chocolate cake *rolls eyes* The cookies were a compromise. Gotta say, they did the trick.

not ok

Healthy Fats?

Fair warning, I am in a pisser of a mood and this will probably end up being a ranting type of post…

This past week I increased my exercise, I was super on point with my food, I did everything “right” and what happened?

I gained 1.8 freakin pounds!!

I stupidly thought I looked ok in the mirror this morning before I headed to weigh-in. I thought maybe I looked a bit smaller, maybe all that work did something, maybe all those times I said no to all the binge foods counted for something.

It counted for nothing.

It got me nowhere but fatter…the one absolute for sure thing I do not want.

Why do I even try? Why do I force myself to skip a binge that I so badly need, and feel crazy in the process because I have no other way to deal with things but to binge so then I am trapped in my head with racing thoughts that won’t leave me alone when skipping a binge obviously has no effect on my weight loss efforts. In fact! Maybe I would have had a lower weight if I had binged because then I would have been taking my pills to rev metabolism and maybe some laxatives and I would have kicked up the working out even more so I would have burned off or expelled all the food I binged on and then some. But nooooooo, instead I stupidly don’t binge, and I don’t take my pills, and I don’t take any laxatives, and I eat as close to “normal” as I am able and what the fuck happens?

I get FATTER!!!!

I had a one-on-one with my case manager Wednesday and we agreed I would meet with the dietitian and start taking baby steps at increasing the time range I eat in and possibly the foods, either in quantity or variety, I am not sure which…probably both if they have things their way. I thought, at the time of the meeting, that it was scary but ok, a step I should take. But how can I increase my food in quantity and/or variety when the food I am already eating is making me fatter? If I add anything else to what I am eating it’ll probably go right to the fat that is built up over my stomach area and just have me expanding even more and omg even just writing that has me wanting to cry, or punch something.

I prefer the anger because I can use it to drive me in to better behaviour. If I am sad I just want to sit and eat. Or sit and focus on how much I am not eating. If I am mad I want to run, or punch something, I want to use the anger as fuel and burn it and it helps me be more active, even on days when I have no energy and am dizzy.

Anger is a more productive emotion for me.

I had practice tonight, with my sports team, so I did get to burn off some of the anger…believe it or not this is me calmed down…

An additional problem is that my Weight Watchers leader wants to see my food journal next week. It is my fault. I was so upset about having gained weight this week, and the fact that I can’t seem to break through this plateau that I talked to her after the meeting today. I thought she’d give me some advice and she did, but it is lunacy. Complete lunacy!

She says eat more protein and add healthy fats to my meal plan. She says I’m probably not getting enough healthy fats. She wants me to cook my food in oil for fucks sake! Oil! Who does that?? Fat people do that! Something I am obviously destined to be forever if this keeps up.

Is there even such a thing as a “healthy fat”? Fat is bad. Duh. So how can there be a healthy kind? I know I have heard people say avocados are healthy fat but I figure that is just people finding a way to justify eating something so high in calories and fat that they really like. Next thing you know people will be saying mayonnaise is a healthy fat, and bacon, and donuts!

I’m trying to get rid of my excess fat, how can I eat more fat, and add that to my body, when I am trying to get rid of the fat that is stubbornly clinging to me?

I hate this. I absolutely fucking hate this. I should have never entered in to a treatment program. I should have never joined Weight Watchers. I should have stuck with restricting my calories. I am sure I would have gotten off this binge eating kick and gotten good at restricting again if I had just kept at it but nope, not me, I had to go and ask for help when obviously all these people want to do is sabotage me and keep me fat.

Eat “healthy fats” sure, *rolls eyes* I’ll get riiiiight on that…said no one ever.

ribs 2

noomi

I want a bad ass attitude like hers, sigh. 

See her cheekbones? I had, very briefly, cheekbones. Now they are hidden under an extra 1.8 pounds that I apparently just couldn’t keep off my body.

An Email I Can’t Send

I’ve been going to these Monday night drop-in support meetings for a couple months now. They are a mandatory thing while I wait for my actual ED program to start. The program starts this coming Monday morning and I am freaking out!

When I had my intake meeting with my case worker she said if I needed anything I could contact her but I never have. I figure it was an empty offer, made to be polite ya know? That and I’ve been on my own with this whole ED thing for a lot of years, why would I need anybody? Except obviously I do or I wouldn’t be in treatment, *rolls eyes*.

Anyways!

I’m not good at asking for help, and I’m slowly (ok, not that slowly) going a little crazy over here so I started writing her an email. I can’t bring myself to send it to her, that is too big a step for me, but I thought I’d post it here since just the writing of it helped me calm down a bit.

 

Hi,

I don’t know if I should be emailing you about this, I’m not really sure I’ll send it…I remember back when we had our face-to-face meeting in your office, before I started coming to the Monday Drop-In meetings, you said if I needed someone to reach out to I could contact you.

I didn’t really think you meant it, I mean, you can’t have people randomly emailing you all day, you’d never get any work done lol I figured you said that the way people say “let’s do coffee!”, one person suggests it, the other agrees, then it never happens. But M (I think his name is M, from Monday night group, I’m super bad at names) mentioned how he reached out to you during the holidays and I thought maybe it wasn’t an empty offer after all? I dunno…

I’m going a little crazy over here and don’t know what to do…For the past couple weeks I’ve had a harder time than normal dealing with food and it is getting to the point where I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’ve tried adding in extra workouts, not eating, eating, reading, watching tv, cleaning, nothing distracts me and nothing calms me. Well, not completely true, I sorta burned my arm the other day and that helped, but it is a temporary fix, proven by the fact I’m in the same boat tonight as I was before I did that to my arm…It’s not a crazy bad burn or anything, nothing to worry about.

I can’t seem to pinpoint what is freaking me out. Normally when I am like this it is because something is freaking me out…not that knowing what that thing is actually helps the situation.

I’m just so, I don’t know! So mad at myself? Definitely irritated, as I have wanted to punch people for stupid little things for a week or so now. I want to binge. I want to binge so so so much but I know I’ll hate myself for it and I’m trying so hard not to but I don’t know what to do instead to deal with whatever the hell is bugging me subconsciously and not having an action to take to deal with whatever is going on is making everything so much worse. I have no outlet because I’ve taken away mine. Restricting isn’t helping either. I’ve noticed even though I didn’t plan it I’ve cut back on my food intake, not as low as I used to be but lower than what I think I’m probably supposed to be eating…though I tend to think the calorie amounts nutritionists say we should be eating are arbitrarily chosen and something to be altered to fit each individual person, but that’s a whole other thing.

I’m sorry, this is rambling, and ridiculous. I don’t know what I am looking for, help getting me out of my own head? Help calming my brain down? A quick fix to dampen my urge to binge so I don’t cave to the desire? There is nothing to be done, I just have to get through this on my own, I know that. I guess the idea there might be someone I can reach out to and ask for help was too tempting to resist but I can’t even bring myself to send the email because I don’t know how to ask for help. I only know how to be alone and deal with things by myself.

I’ll see you Monday, first day of actual treatment, and knowing me I’ll act normal, as if this little breakdown didn’t happen, and you’ll never know that I desperately needed someone to reach out to and chickened out from emailing you because I don’t feel like I am important enough to ask for or receive your help.

Bye.

full-core-area

 

 

Not A Great Day

The title says it all. Today is not a great day. I woke up in a blah mood, not really wanting to face the world but having things I had to do so out I went. I really should have never left the apartment, ugh. I am easily irritated today, have no patience, am near tears, and just want to hide from everyone and everything.

At the same time part of me just doesn’t care. I was driving earlier, saw a car coming, turned anyways, cut them off, they were blowing their horn at me, it was a dumb ass move that could have caused an accident and yet…I just don’t care. I didn’t care when I did it, I don’t care now, I am numb.

I had a work lunch, they served Malaysian food, I took a random assortment of things, mostly things in sauces that spread out a lot so my plate looked like it had more food on it than it really did. I also purposefully took a serving of the pork dish, pretending I didn’t realize it was pork, so when I sat down and “discovered” the pork I could be all shocked and dismayed and nobody blinked at me not eating that part of my food – they all know I don’t eat pork. Yay for being good at deceiving people I guess…

I went to a drop in meeting last Monday for people with ED. I have been on a waiting list for 4 months to get some sort of help, frankly I kinda thought they forgot about me, so I was plugging along, doing my own thing, losing weight and doing ok when out of nowhere they called. I had an info session type of thing, learned the rules etc, and then had my first group meeting. I start actual classes or something in January but until then I am required to attend minimum 2 drop in sessions per month. There are 3 different types of drop in session and I can pick any combo of the three types I want.

The one I went to is a Weekly Support Group. The other two are a Weekly Relaxation / Meditation Group and a Weekly Meal Support Group.

The Weekly Support Group was ok I guess. A bunch of people with various eating disorders sitting around talking about all kinds of things with a shrink and a dietitian sitting with us for mediation / information / feedback. It was weird to hear other people talking about behaviours that I do, or about having the same thoughts that I think. It isn’t like I thought I was the only person who had these thoughts or behaviours or issues but I’ve never talked openly to anyone about them and never heard other people talking openly about what they do.

Since that meeting though, my restrictive eating has increased. I had gotten to what I thought of as a decent balance of food, not too much food, not too little food, for me. This past week though it seems like there is no end to situations that occur that end with me eating something I shouldn’t, and all the restricting I have been doing has not been enough compensation, resulting in my having gained weight this week. 😦

I knew I had gained weight, I could feel that I had, and I am freakin miserable about it. Seeing that number on the scale go up makes me want to cry, or punch something, or not care when I drive, or binge, or purge, or restrict more, or engage in any number of not good for me activities.

So ever since weigh-in today I’ve been struggling. Before weigh-in I was just in a bad mood, since weigh-in I am in a destructive mood. On my way home part of me was all “might as well drive to a bakery and get allllll the food!” while another part of me was all “no food! for minimum 24 hours! must fix this!”

I don’t know which part to listen to, eat everything, eat nothing…I just don’t know.

I compromised, when I got home I took a Cayenne Pepper extract and a Green Tea extract. You are supposed to take them when eating a meal but it was pretty soon after my work lunch so I hoped it would still count. The combo is supposed to help you metabolize your food faster. I decided that if it seemed like they had worked, and if later in the day I feel hungry, I would allow myself some vegetables. If they didn’t seem to work then I would just drink lots of water, tea, and diet coke and wait to eat until sometime tomorrow afternoon.

I’m so mad at going up 1.8lbs in weight when I’ve been working so hard and as of last week had lost 18lbs. Now I feel like I have to start all over.

sad

I Got A Call

A little while ago I sucked up what little amounts of courage I seem to have when it comes to asking for help and went to a doctor to request a referral to an adult ed program in my area. The doctor was not great and the experience kinda sucked but it was done and oddly, once it was over, I felt…lighter…I don’t mean weight wise, but as if a bit of stress was off my shoulders. Stress I hadn’t even realized I had.

I didn’t know how long it would take to hear anything, there are long wait lists for everything medical related in this country so I put it on the back burner of my brain and tried to ignore it. Thing is, I wasn’t even sure if the referral went through. I had to go for a bunch of medical tests and the results of those got sent with the referral and the doc I saw didn’t seem to think I really needed help (she said I was a pretty girl and should get over it) so I had this suspicion that my paperwork would get lost along the way and I’d never hear about it again.

Part of me was willing to let it stay like that. I figured I had done my part, I asked for help, if the referral didn’t get sent then that was the universe saying don’t worry about it, or something to that effect. I was toying with the idea of calling the doctor’s office to ask if they could look at my file and see if the referral was sent but never got around to it.

Well, two Fridays ago I got a call, which I missed so it went to voicemail, and I finally listened to the message on the Sunday and what do you know, it was a lady from the program calling to talk to me. I left her a voicemail back on the Monday, or it might have been Tuesday…either way, I left her a voicemail and we eventually connected this past Friday (May 20th)

She is part of the intake process or something for the program and she was calling to tell me some deets I need to know and ask a hella lot of questions about me, my eating, medical stuff, behaviours I engage in, it was the most personal conversation I have had in a loooong time, and it was with a stranger over the phone! Weird!

I have to attend a session May 30th as part of the intake process, it is a mandatory thing, they are held once a month and I have three months to make it in to one, if I don’t make it in to one within the three months I am taken off the list and I have to get a new referral. I work Mondays and am not off early enough to get there in time so I have to miss an hour of work which sucks but I guess I should look at it as a small sacrifice for a larger good…I’ll wait to make that determination until after I go to the session lol

I’m not sure what to expect at this thing, if it is just me, or a lot of people, I think it will be a lot of people, or at least not just me, since they only hold them once a month, they probably round up everybody who is on their waiting list and see them at one time. I don’t really know the purpose of this meeting either, maybe it is to take a look at the people on the list and see who needs to be prioritized. I have this huge fear they will take one look at me and say I am not sick enough, don’t have a big enough problem, am not thin enough, for them to want to help me. Part of me wants to blow it off because if that is what I am going to face then why bother losing an hour of work just to be told they can’t help me, but in my slightly more rational moments I remind myself I don’t know that is what they are going to say, I don’t even know what this session is meant to accomplish, so stop jumping to conclusions and just go already.

I’m kind of panicking about it…which is weird. And oddly focused on what kind of impression I will make when I get there. I will be going right from work but I’ll change clothes before I go and I’m already going over and over what I will wear, what attitude I will have, will I keep my work attitude which makes me seem happy go lucky nice and funny, will I be more myself which is still funny, the consummate entertainer who makes everyone laugh and seems outgoing or will I be me, quiet and observing everything while silently assessing all I see and withdrawn from people. Those are all me, just at different points in the day and I don’t know which one I will default with. Usually with doctors an stuff I try to be nice and friendly and chatty because it makes them like you more and if they like you they are more willing to help you but these are people who might be asking me more probing questions and I’m not happy about that, just the thought of it puts my back up, but I’m going to them for help and maybe if I seem to difficult to chat with they will decide to not help me.

I’m kinda going around in circles here, and will probably have to wait and see how I feel on the day. I think it is just the unknown about what is going to happen that has me freaking out a bit.

On top of that I am now restricting like craaaaaazy because I don’t want to seem too fat when I see them. How messed up is that? So now I’m not just restricting like I normally do but I am even more strict than normal because if they ask what I eat, or how much, or how often, I don’t want to seem like a glutton and tell them I ate two meals that day *rolls eyes* I think there is something messed up there…but I can’t quite figure out what, because it seems like a normal thought to me but I’m pretty sure other people don’t think like that…

All this crap going through my head and I can’t tell anybody because nobody in my real life knows I struggle at all, let alone have asked for help. So every time someone asks me what is new I think about this upcoming meeting but can’t say anything cause they will have no idea what I am talking about, which makes it seem like an even bigger deal than it probably is, which makes me focus on it more and freak out about it more.

In reality it is probably just some info session or something, so they have more deets on those on the waiting list and then we are told they’ll contact us when we have moved up the list. Probably all the things I am dreading aren’t actually going to happen, and probably me getting any help is a long way off so I should just chill…but this is me and I can’t so instead I am cutting out more foods from my safe list and increasing my exercise and trying not to think too much even though my brain is running 100 miles a minute. Is this what crazy feels like?

abs

feel fat