Tag Archives: restricting

You Know When…

You know when you’ve eaten so little during the day that scarfing down two cookies at work doesn’t even put you close to being at your max calories or weight watcher points for the day?

Yeah…that was me today. I didn’t purposefully try to restrict, I just seem to naturally eat less than others. Which works out ok for me when I end up eating something stupid like cookies lol

I had thought I ate a lot but was so busy at work today I didn’t have time to actually track my food, I had just been keeping mental track, knowing I’d get it all in the apps later. Well, later came when I got home, so I sat down and got to work inputting all my food for the day.

At home I had:

1/2 C oatmeal, topped with 2T PB2 and 1T brown sugar

2 pieces of brown toast (bread is a weakness of mine, don’t judge!)

Then at work I had:

Salad, topped with 6 prawns, some fruit, some roasted veggies, 1/4C cottage cheese, and 1t sliced almonds.

2 shortbread cookies

The salad was made for me by the chef so I didn’t have any say what was on it. If I had made it there would not have been any almonds, or cottage cheese, and probably less of the fruit and veg, really, just less of everything. But he made it and I wasn’t going to pick it apart in front of him so I ended up eating it. It was huuuuuge, but so tasty, and because it was so big it was super filling, which I guess is why I felt like I had eaten so much food today.

So going with calories, because that number will mean more to people than my weight watcher tracking info, I ate 770 calories today.

Not so shabby.

But again, I wasn’t trying to eat in that range, it just sorta ended up being what I ate, and truthfully, that is roughly how I eat every day. Now sure, some days are different, I might have an egg and two slices of turkey bacon instead of the oatmeal, but it all kinda averages out.

Wait! I lied! I forgot I had 1C corn flakes and 1/2C 1% milk as a snack.

So see, not as bad as it seemed, I ate 872 calories today. Which actually I don’t like because it is too close to 900 and when I eat 900 or more I freak out and get a tad stressed. *rolls eyes* So annoying!

I guess I’m not really going anywhere with this, I’m just using writing to realize that I naturally tend to eat low calorie most days and I really need to track to know for sure how much I’ve eaten because if asked I would have said I over ate today, when the numbers show I haven’t.

Oh the things to ponder…but not now, now I am going to bed!

think

There are other things to think about??

F*ck Cancer

Fuck cancer.

I have a friend who one day was fine and the next day he was a little bit sick. He went to the doctor and in the blink of an eye he was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Fuck.

Not that any one terminal cancer is better than the other but his is particularly aggressive, and painful, and it took him from being a vibrant, active, loving life person, to someone who is in so much pain he is permanently dopey from all the morphine being pumped in to his body. He can barely talk, hell, he is almost never awake. He can’t tell who is around him. He is not himself anymore.

The cancer has taken him from us before it has killed him.

I want to fight, I want to scream, I want to hit things, I want to do something, anything, that shows my grief, and fear, and rage, to the world. As if the world seeing how upset I am would make a difference to what he is going through.

I want it to be over for him because this is not how he wants to go. Not how he deserves to go. He deserves a peaceful, dignified death. What he is getting is painful, and bloody, and brutal, and is tormenting not only himself but those who love him. He lost his wife years ago and every day since then misses her. He still loves her with everything he has, he still talks about her as being the love of his life, he still talks about how much he misses her…or he did before the pain and the morphine took away his ability to talk. He wants to be with her again and even though I am not religious I wish for him, with all my being, that there is something after death, that he will get not just escape from the pain when he dies but the warm comforting love of his wife. I want her to be waiting for him. I want him to find a happy eternity. He deserves that.

He doesn’t deserve the horrible way his eternity is coming to him.

I knew he was sick but today I found out just how sick and I am having trouble coping. I had to stop at the store on the way home and before I knew it I was wandering the bakery aisles because hey, nothing makes grief go away better than diving in to a cake all on your own, right?

I ended up skipping the cakes, and the donuts, and the cheesecakes, and all kinds of things. I knew I wanted something but I wasn’t exactly sure what and I could only afford to buy one thing so it had to be the perfectly right thing to binge on. Feeling inspired I headed to the ice cream aisle. I could envision myself sitting in my living room, in my sweats, eating all the ice cream directly from the container. I slowly wandered the ice cream aisle wondering which flavour to take when I saw chocolate ice cream bars (think fudgesicle just a different brand) that I have had before. They are a “healthy option” ice cream bar type treat that I used last summer as a way to have ice cream without screwing up my food intake for the day.

I was so torn. I really wanted cake but I knew that not only would that screw up my weigh-in this week it would leave me feeling guilty, sick, overly full, depressed, worse about myself…all kinds of negative things, aaaaaaaand…it wouldn’t make my friend better. It wouldn’t make this situation with him better, or easier to manage, or somehow more bearable. It wouldn’t make my grief easier to cope with. It wouldn’t make the pain in my heart easier to deal with. It wouldn’t make the feeling that his death will be the one to break me, do irreparable damage to my psyche, go away. If anything, having a binge would make all those feelings even stronger because they would be backed by shame, and guilt, and all kinds of other binge related emotions.

This whole situation sucks.

In the end I bought the “healthier option” ice cream bars.

On the way home I thought I might go for a run but by the time I got home I was exhausted and didn’t want to. I didn’t even want the ice cream bars, shrug. I showered, ate a half cup of oatmeal (it is a safe food and I knew I was way below my food intake for the day so figured I should have something) and well, then I ended up eating part of a chocolate bar that I had in the fridge. I thought I would eat the whole thing but nope, just some of it. It is now back in the fridge. My appetite is gone…not that it is often there…but all I am right now is a ball of sadness.

It makes me tired, and not wanting to do anything, and I vaguely wonder if this will be the beginning of an extreme restricting cycle because my body is so busy being sad it can’t do anything else…

My coping skills for strong emotions are to dive deeper in to my eating disorder behaviours but that isn’t the best choice for me so I am kind of trying to not engage in them but I don’t have any other coping skills to help me with this so I am left floundering, not knowing what to do.

Fuck you cancer. You suck.

grief

What My Stomach Feels

This may seem strange to other people but…I don’t really know what the sensations my stomach sends out mean, at least not every time…do other people know how to decode the sensations they feel in their stomachs? I think they probably do, which just makes me a weirdo in yet another way. *rolls eyes*

I gained another pound this week. Last week I lost 0.4lbs so it is safe to say I am NOT impressed. I want to be going down in weight, not staying the same, or going up, and yet, if you average the month I stayed the same. sigh. I go up a little. I go down a little. I go up a little. I go down a little. You get the idea. It sucks!

I can’t find the correlation between what I am doing wrong and the weight gain, I mean ok sure I had a couple binges in there…maybe more than a couple, but I counteracted the binges with restricting days and increased activity so I thought things would be ok.

They are not ok.

So I made a promise to myself, which I already hate because I loathe people who break promises but oh man, this one is freakin hard and I shouldn’t have done it.

I promised myself that every single time I eat something I will eat along with that meal or snack either some fruit or some veggies. I haven’t been eating them very often because well, oh geez, the explanation might need its own paragraph…

Ok, so I tend to not eat fruits and veg not because I don’t like them but because they are not a safe food. You would think they would be safe right? I know a lot of people who have veggies for safe foods because they are low cal but I don’t track calories I track Weight Watcher points. In the land of WW fruits and veggies are 0 points, which means you can eat as many as you want and it doesn’t count against your daily points – your Daily Points being how much food you have to eat in a day. So say you eat a 3oz chicken breast and a cup of veggies, you count the chicken but not the veggies when tallying how many points of food you eat.

But! Just because something doesn’t have points in the land of WW doesn’t mean it doesn’t have calories! Or fat! Or carbs!

If I eat those zero point foods then I don’t have enough space in my stomach to eat food that has points. I also mentally can’t handle eating that much food. So…I cut the zero point food out of my world. Not an absolute cut them out, I eat a tiny bit of fruit and veg, but not very much. I figured I was doing a good thing, all those people on WW who eat their daily points worth of food aaaaand eat fruits and veggies, they are taking in waaaaay more calories than they realize! I was being smart, seeing the flaw and adjusting for it.

However, in my more rational moments I realize I am not eating a well balanced meal plan and maybe the lack of ya know, food groups, is affecting my weight loss?

My safe foods are:

oatmeal, PB2 (powdered peanut butter), bread (two slices a day max), protein pancakes, eggs (one a day max), egg whites (two a day max), turkey bacon (two slices a day max), light shredded cheese (20g max a day), plain chicken breasts (2 per week max), 3oz salmon (1-2 per week max), greek yoghurt OR light cottage cheese (2-3 times a week max)

This past week I was craving corn flakes like crazy so I snagged some from work and added those in to the rotation but otherwise, it doesn’t change much. Obviously I don’t eat all that food in one day, but that is what I rotate between.

So yeah…not really seeing fruit or veg in there. I was eating bananas for a while, I was on a real kick with them and ate one a day, and before the banana kick I was also eating apples, the occasional orange, but like I said, I had to stop because if I eat an orange I am full and can’t eat food that has points that I am supposed to track, which means I end up under my points for the day and according to the program rules that is really bad. Like, epic bad.

Back to my promise to myself…I am now swearing that for a week, every time I eat something I will also have a piece of fruit or some veggies.

So tonight after working out I ate veggies with my chicken…and then I didn’t know what my stomach was doing.

It felt weird, it was making noticeable sensations and I have nooooo idea what they meant. Did they mean I hadn’t eaten enough and was hungry? I decided no since I’d just eaten a full meal by anyone’s standards. Did it mean I cooked something wrong and was getting food poisoning? I decided no because I didn’t throw up. Did it mean I ate too much? Quite possibly, I’m not great at understanding portions. Did it mean I ate when I shouldn’t have? Also quite possible, except, I was back from working out for 2 hours and according to the rules of WW and of people who seem to have this normal eating thing figured out, I should be eating.

So what the hell?

My stomach is making all these weird sensations that I can feel, that are distracting me from the tv show I was trying to watch, that are making me get up and move around because I can’t stand to be feeling them, and I don’t know what they mean, and they are freaking me out!

It is so much easier when I don’t eat, I can identify the pain from not eating, the feeling of my stomach giving up on getting food that day, the feeling of being empty.

This? This sensation that came right after I ate, this I can’t identify and oh man I do not like it.

How do I make it stop??

back 2

Healthy Fats?

Fair warning, I am in a pisser of a mood and this will probably end up being a ranting type of post…

This past week I increased my exercise, I was super on point with my food, I did everything “right” and what happened?

I gained 1.8 freakin pounds!!

I stupidly thought I looked ok in the mirror this morning before I headed to weigh-in. I thought maybe I looked a bit smaller, maybe all that work did something, maybe all those times I said no to all the binge foods counted for something.

It counted for nothing.

It got me nowhere but fatter…the one absolute for sure thing I do not want.

Why do I even try? Why do I force myself to skip a binge that I so badly need, and feel crazy in the process because I have no other way to deal with things but to binge so then I am trapped in my head with racing thoughts that won’t leave me alone when skipping a binge obviously has no effect on my weight loss efforts. In fact! Maybe I would have had a lower weight if I had binged because then I would have been taking my pills to rev metabolism and maybe some laxatives and I would have kicked up the working out even more so I would have burned off or expelled all the food I binged on and then some. But nooooooo, instead I stupidly don’t binge, and I don’t take my pills, and I don’t take any laxatives, and I eat as close to “normal” as I am able and what the fuck happens?

I get FATTER!!!!

I had a one-on-one with my case manager Wednesday and we agreed I would meet with the dietitian and start taking baby steps at increasing the time range I eat in and possibly the foods, either in quantity or variety, I am not sure which…probably both if they have things their way. I thought, at the time of the meeting, that it was scary but ok, a step I should take. But how can I increase my food in quantity and/or variety when the food I am already eating is making me fatter? If I add anything else to what I am eating it’ll probably go right to the fat that is built up over my stomach area and just have me expanding even more and omg even just writing that has me wanting to cry, or punch something.

I prefer the anger because I can use it to drive me in to better behaviour. If I am sad I just want to sit and eat. Or sit and focus on how much I am not eating. If I am mad I want to run, or punch something, I want to use the anger as fuel and burn it and it helps me be more active, even on days when I have no energy and am dizzy.

Anger is a more productive emotion for me.

I had practice tonight, with my sports team, so I did get to burn off some of the anger…believe it or not this is me calmed down…

An additional problem is that my Weight Watchers leader wants to see my food journal next week. It is my fault. I was so upset about having gained weight this week, and the fact that I can’t seem to break through this plateau that I talked to her after the meeting today. I thought she’d give me some advice and she did, but it is lunacy. Complete lunacy!

She says eat more protein and add healthy fats to my meal plan. She says I’m probably not getting enough healthy fats. She wants me to cook my food in oil for fucks sake! Oil! Who does that?? Fat people do that! Something I am obviously destined to be forever if this keeps up.

Is there even such a thing as a “healthy fat”? Fat is bad. Duh. So how can there be a healthy kind? I know I have heard people say avocados are healthy fat but I figure that is just people finding a way to justify eating something so high in calories and fat that they really like. Next thing you know people will be saying mayonnaise is a healthy fat, and bacon, and donuts!

I’m trying to get rid of my excess fat, how can I eat more fat, and add that to my body, when I am trying to get rid of the fat that is stubbornly clinging to me?

I hate this. I absolutely fucking hate this. I should have never entered in to a treatment program. I should have never joined Weight Watchers. I should have stuck with restricting my calories. I am sure I would have gotten off this binge eating kick and gotten good at restricting again if I had just kept at it but nope, not me, I had to go and ask for help when obviously all these people want to do is sabotage me and keep me fat.

Eat “healthy fats” sure, *rolls eyes* I’ll get riiiiight on that…said no one ever.

ribs 2

noomi

I want a bad ass attitude like hers, sigh. 

See her cheekbones? I had, very briefly, cheekbones. Now they are hidden under an extra 1.8 pounds that I apparently just couldn’t keep off my body.

An Email I Can’t Send

I’ve been going to these Monday night drop-in support meetings for a couple months now. They are a mandatory thing while I wait for my actual ED program to start. The program starts this coming Monday morning and I am freaking out!

When I had my intake meeting with my case worker she said if I needed anything I could contact her but I never have. I figure it was an empty offer, made to be polite ya know? That and I’ve been on my own with this whole ED thing for a lot of years, why would I need anybody? Except obviously I do or I wouldn’t be in treatment, *rolls eyes*.

Anyways!

I’m not good at asking for help, and I’m slowly (ok, not that slowly) going a little crazy over here so I started writing her an email. I can’t bring myself to send it to her, that is too big a step for me, but I thought I’d post it here since just the writing of it helped me calm down a bit.

 

Hi,

I don’t know if I should be emailing you about this, I’m not really sure I’ll send it…I remember back when we had our face-to-face meeting in your office, before I started coming to the Monday Drop-In meetings, you said if I needed someone to reach out to I could contact you.

I didn’t really think you meant it, I mean, you can’t have people randomly emailing you all day, you’d never get any work done lol I figured you said that the way people say “let’s do coffee!”, one person suggests it, the other agrees, then it never happens. But M (I think his name is M, from Monday night group, I’m super bad at names) mentioned how he reached out to you during the holidays and I thought maybe it wasn’t an empty offer after all? I dunno…

I’m going a little crazy over here and don’t know what to do…For the past couple weeks I’ve had a harder time than normal dealing with food and it is getting to the point where I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’ve tried adding in extra workouts, not eating, eating, reading, watching tv, cleaning, nothing distracts me and nothing calms me. Well, not completely true, I sorta burned my arm the other day and that helped, but it is a temporary fix, proven by the fact I’m in the same boat tonight as I was before I did that to my arm…It’s not a crazy bad burn or anything, nothing to worry about.

I can’t seem to pinpoint what is freaking me out. Normally when I am like this it is because something is freaking me out…not that knowing what that thing is actually helps the situation.

I’m just so, I don’t know! So mad at myself? Definitely irritated, as I have wanted to punch people for stupid little things for a week or so now. I want to binge. I want to binge so so so much but I know I’ll hate myself for it and I’m trying so hard not to but I don’t know what to do instead to deal with whatever the hell is bugging me subconsciously and not having an action to take to deal with whatever is going on is making everything so much worse. I have no outlet because I’ve taken away mine. Restricting isn’t helping either. I’ve noticed even though I didn’t plan it I’ve cut back on my food intake, not as low as I used to be but lower than what I think I’m probably supposed to be eating…though I tend to think the calorie amounts nutritionists say we should be eating are arbitrarily chosen and something to be altered to fit each individual person, but that’s a whole other thing.

I’m sorry, this is rambling, and ridiculous. I don’t know what I am looking for, help getting me out of my own head? Help calming my brain down? A quick fix to dampen my urge to binge so I don’t cave to the desire? There is nothing to be done, I just have to get through this on my own, I know that. I guess the idea there might be someone I can reach out to and ask for help was too tempting to resist but I can’t even bring myself to send the email because I don’t know how to ask for help. I only know how to be alone and deal with things by myself.

I’ll see you Monday, first day of actual treatment, and knowing me I’ll act normal, as if this little breakdown didn’t happen, and you’ll never know that I desperately needed someone to reach out to and chickened out from emailing you because I don’t feel like I am important enough to ask for or receive your help.

Bye.

full-core-area

 

 

I Have A Confession

I’ve been eating.

Please don’t hate me for failing!

I’m not sure how I feel about the eating, and I’m not really sure what triggered it.

It isn’t binge eating, that I am all to familiar with.

And it isn’t every day all day.

It is just…eating…kinda like a normal person.

It’s weird.

I’ve been eating meals, like, real, kind of normal person type meals…with a protein, and a veg, in portions not as large as other peoples but not as small as I usually eat.

And those meals I have been eating? I eat them more than once a week. Sometimes I eat them twice a day! Two normal person type meals in one day! In my world that is unheard of.

Today I had a vegetarian panini for lunch and for a late dinner I had 1/2 cup of couscous with some veggies mixed in and a chopped up (cooked) all beef hot dog, oh and I put salsa in there too.

wtf.

That is so unlike me.

One meal a day maaaaaybe. I sometimes do that. When I do it is with many days in between the meals but the past week and a half I’ve been eating…I’m not sure how I feel about it.

I don’t know if I look forward to it ending and me going back to restricting, or if I want this to continue for a bit longer to see where it might lead.

I don’t think I have much control over how long it will last since I don’t feel I had any control in it starting.

I am still fat, which makes me want to not eat. But I’ve done loads of research and a lot of so-called experts say people who eat (or don’t eat) like me have messed up their metabolism to crazy bad levels and that makes weight loss that much harder. Which is depressing to hear. A lot of them advocate slowly increasing the amount of calories eaten per day, I think they call it refeeding, until at a “normal” level, then once the body has evened out it will find a healthy balance. Which I am hoping means my body will balance out to a skinnier level.

Or it could be a conspiracy to get us all fatter.

Who knows?

sigh.

All I know is today I ate two meals. Two!

I don’t know what I will eat tomorrow, and the not knowing is scary, because usually I know what I will be eating, if not the specific foods at least the amount of calories.

But this eating of meals thing? I’ve taken it one step worse and not even been tracking my food intake. I just pick foods that are generally considered healthy, and eat them.

It’s like I don’t even know myself anymore.

What do I do?

keep trying

Short Term Goals

I tend to live in the moment when it comes to food, well, when it comes to everything really. A day can be a success or an utter failure based on one food decision.

Because I have trouble looking past the moment if I eat a cookie, or pizza or have a binge of any kind then I am all kinds of worthless, disgusting, fat, horrible things. I can’t stand being in my own skin. I hate myself.

I’m trying to change my perspective, make myself see things as part of a bigger picture, not isolated incidents.

In an effort to accomplish this I created a short term goal, to lose one pant size by Dec 22 of this year. I can’t do it by just plain ol not eating, I have to try to be sane about my approach. I chose an app that tracks food and exercise, set it up and have been using it diligently. You tell the app how much you weigh, your height etc,, how much you want to weigh and how quickly you want to lose the weight. It then calculates how many calories you get to eat in a day.

It has me eating a lot of calories, in my opinion, but I know compared to other people I am not eating nearly as much, I cling to that thought when I feel I am eating too much.

I put in to the food log every single thing I eat, I am weighing and measuring every little bit of food, and so far I have followed it fairly well. I had one day where I had to binge, I had to! But then for three days after that I restricted so much that it showed for each of those days I was under my calories for the day by 300 or more. I figure it balances out in the end.

Surprisingly I feel a bit better about myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am still fat and am still disgusted with myself but because I can look at my tracker and see all the days I was under my daily calories and see how I’m not eating nearly as badly as I think I am, it is helping me to not binge.

I am not weighing myself while I do this, mostly cause my scale broke, and I was going to take my measurements at the beginning and again at the end but I didn’t…I didn’t even take a before and after picture! The only way I will know if it worked is by the jeans that I currently have hanging on my wall as a daily reminder of what my goal is. If I can fit in to them Dec 22 then I will have succeeded, if I don’t fit in them then I failed and this tracking experiment will be over.

I kinda hope it works. Even though it is a lot of work, and I am eating more on a daily basis then I am used to, if I can keep it up then maybe I can lose more then just the pant size? Maybe, as I go down in weight, if I keep lowering the amount of calories I am allowed daily I’ll keep getting smaller? I dunno, but it’d be worth a try…

Seeing my food choices as one small part of a larger picture is helping me to not freak out as much when I eat. If I have a cookie, and it fits in my daily calories, I am not as disgusted with myself as I would have been if I had eaten a cookie before I started this. I think because I can see it isn’t screwing up my plan to fit in the pants, and I am controlling my calories so strictly, and I am tracking that cookie in my app, I can see that the cookie isn’t the end of the world and I can diminish the damage from it super fast.

Plus I am exercising a lot and that always helps…

I'm so envious of this girls thigh gap, sigh

I’m so envious of this girls thigh gap, sigh