Tag Archives: binge

F*ck Cancer

Fuck cancer.

I have a friend who one day was fine and the next day he was a little bit sick. He went to the doctor and in the blink of an eye he was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Fuck.

Not that any one terminal cancer is better than the other but his is particularly aggressive, and painful, and it took him from being a vibrant, active, loving life person, to someone who is in so much pain he is permanently dopey from all the morphine being pumped in to his body. He can barely talk, hell, he is almost never awake. He can’t tell who is around him. He is not himself anymore.

The cancer has taken him from us before it has killed him.

I want to fight, I want to scream, I want to hit things, I want to do something, anything, that shows my grief, and fear, and rage, to the world. As if the world seeing how upset I am would make a difference to what he is going through.

I want it to be over for him because this is not how he wants to go. Not how he deserves to go. He deserves a peaceful, dignified death. What he is getting is painful, and bloody, and brutal, and is tormenting not only himself but those who love him. He lost his wife years ago and every day since then misses her. He still loves her with everything he has, he still talks about her as being the love of his life, he still talks about how much he misses her…or he did before the pain and the morphine took away his ability to talk. He wants to be with her again and even though I am not religious I wish for him, with all my being, that there is something after death, that he will get not just escape from the pain when he dies but the warm comforting love of his wife. I want her to be waiting for him. I want him to find a happy eternity. He deserves that.

He doesn’t deserve the horrible way his eternity is coming to him.

I knew he was sick but today I found out just how sick and I am having trouble coping. I had to stop at the store on the way home and before I knew it I was wandering the bakery aisles because hey, nothing makes grief go away better than diving in to a cake all on your own, right?

I ended up skipping the cakes, and the donuts, and the cheesecakes, and all kinds of things. I knew I wanted something but I wasn’t exactly sure what and I could only afford to buy one thing so it had to be the perfectly right thing to binge on. Feeling inspired I headed to the ice cream aisle. I could envision myself sitting in my living room, in my sweats, eating all the ice cream directly from the container. I slowly wandered the ice cream aisle wondering which flavour to take when I saw chocolate ice cream bars (think fudgesicle just a different brand) that I have had before. They are a “healthy option” ice cream bar type treat that I used last summer as a way to have ice cream without screwing up my food intake for the day.

I was so torn. I really wanted cake but I knew that not only would that screw up my weigh-in this week it would leave me feeling guilty, sick, overly full, depressed, worse about myself…all kinds of negative things, aaaaaaaand…it wouldn’t make my friend better. It wouldn’t make this situation with him better, or easier to manage, or somehow more bearable. It wouldn’t make my grief easier to cope with. It wouldn’t make the pain in my heart easier to deal with. It wouldn’t make the feeling that his death will be the one to break me, do irreparable damage to my psyche, go away. If anything, having a binge would make all those feelings even stronger because they would be backed by shame, and guilt, and all kinds of other binge related emotions.

This whole situation sucks.

In the end I bought the “healthier option” ice cream bars.

On the way home I thought I might go for a run but by the time I got home I was exhausted and didn’t want to. I didn’t even want the ice cream bars, shrug. I showered, ate a half cup of oatmeal (it is a safe food and I knew I was way below my food intake for the day so figured I should have something) and well, then I ended up eating part of a chocolate bar that I had in the fridge. I thought I would eat the whole thing but nope, just some of it. It is now back in the fridge. My appetite is gone…not that it is often there…but all I am right now is a ball of sadness.

It makes me tired, and not wanting to do anything, and I vaguely wonder if this will be the beginning of an extreme restricting cycle because my body is so busy being sad it can’t do anything else…

My coping skills for strong emotions are to dive deeper in to my eating disorder behaviours but that isn’t the best choice for me so I am kind of trying to not engage in them but I don’t have any other coping skills to help me with this so I am left floundering, not knowing what to do.

Fuck you cancer. You suck.

grief

Emotional Eating

For the longest time I didn’t think I engaged in emotional eating. Eventually I came to terms with the knowledge that when I am depressed, sad, going through something shitty, basically down, I emotionally eat. That is when I am most likely to binge. When I am most likely to rely on food to (1) help me not feel anything at all and (2) deal with the emotions that manage to bubble up from where all the food I ate pushed them.

Well…this past week I got great news, amazing news, news that made me so incredibly happy, and about half a second after I got the news my brain was screaming at me “STOP EATING!!!!”

I was immediately bombarded with an absolute fear of all food and the certain knowledge I had to uber restrict starting right away.

Part of me fully, 100% agreed, with this. I know I have to restrict asap. I have to look my absolute best in 2 weeks time and I can’t do that looking how I look now can I? No of course I can’t, I am fat, and weak, and disgusting, and I have to work! work! work! to make myself even a little bit better as soon as I can so I look my best for this upcoming event.

A teeny tiny part of my brain took a step back and muttered, “girl, you’re tripping”. You got invited to this event by people who know what you look like, they chose you because you fit the criteria they have for this event, they don’t want you to drastically change in this two week time span. Just keep on doing what you’ve been doing and you’ll be fine. Don’t restrict. Don’t cut yourself down to 400-700 calories a day. Don’t. Do. It.

For the rest of the day I fought the urge to restrict. I ate my meal plan, which is still technically under eating but whatever, it is more than 700 calories which is what I was eating prior to my trying to get better so for now it’ll hafta do.

By the end of the day I was filled with so much despair and desperation because I hadn’t started restricting I wanted to binge. I was so convinced I was ruining my chances, destroying this opportunity, by not restricting, I wanted to go in the opposite direction and eat allllllll the food.

I managed to not binge.

I also managed to somehow realize that these emotional swings I was having were leading me to want to either restrict or binge…or was it the wanting to restrict and binge that was leading to me having all these emotions? It’s all a circle to me, hard to figure out where any of it starts.

The next day I started off ok, on track food wise, then I had an unplanned meal in a restaurant for lunch where I had to make a super fast food decision and I thought I picked well but when I pulled up the nutritional information later I learned I made a big mistake. My only saving grace was I didn’t eat the entire meal and I worked out to help burn it off.

It wasn’t a binge, since it was a portion some other person would have eaten, and I didn’t follow it up with a bunch of other food, but it gave me a similar emotional response as a binge because it was a bigger portion of food than what I usually eat.

It pushed down all the emotions I was feeling for a while, then guilt surged in to take the place of all those emotions, then the emotions swirled back, so now I was feeling guilty, and unworthy, and disgusting, and blah blah blah.

I gotta say, that meal didn’t really help me in the end.

So here I am, days later, still fighting the simultaneous urges to restrict and binge. Part of me knows that engaging in either of those behaviours will not help me in two weeks time when I will be at this event, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to engage in them…like an alcoholic wanting a drink to smooth the edges, I want the soothing effect of my drug, my food, or my feeling strong by resisting all food. But I can’t. I can’t engage in either behaviour right now because it could endanger my ability to be at my best in two weeks.

This is so messed up, I hate it.

my head

tired

All The Emotions

For a while I was feeling alllllll the emotions, well, the negative unhappy ones, and then I binged on fresh from the oven cookies and now I feel nothing.

I am numb.

I am exhausted.

I am pretty sure under the numbness the binge brought on I am still pissed off and sad though…

My car got broken in to and some stuff stolen. My window is smashed into a million small pieces of glass, my iPod, multiple pairs of sunglasses (cause I’m that weirdo with multiple pairs) and my Kit Kat Crunchy bar are all gone.

Who steals that combination of stuff??

And whats weirder, who steals that combination of stuff but leaves the gps system, the stereo, the insurance that has so much personal info on it ID theft would be crazy easy to accomplish?

Idiots. Or children. Or both.

My car got broken in to and my stuff stolen by idiots who may or may not be children.

I hate people.

I thought I was handling everything ok. I reported to the RCMP. I called my insurance people. I acknowledged there is nothing more I can do today because all the shops were closed when this happened so I cleaned up the mess, emptied the car of everything else, taped up the window with a garbage bag, parked the car so the broken side is right up against the wall of a building, left all the little compartments inside open so anyone who looks in can see there is nothing in the car, put the club on my steering wheel, and am forced to leave it overnight and hope nothing else happens to it.

Tomorrow I will do all the calling to the shops to find one that can fix the damage and provide me with a courtesy car. Tomorrow I can take steps to fix this.

Tonight all I can do is sit, and feel alllll the emotions, and jump between unmanageable anger and tears, until I binged, and now I feel nothing except depressed.

I’m emotionally attached to that iPod, it was a graduation gift, and it is super old so not like anybody else will be able to use it…unless they kept one computer running with old operating software strictly so they could keep using that one old iPod…which I highly doubt.

Not like I can afford to replace the iPod either, so now I am music-less, not really a state I find comfort in. I use music to distract me from my thoughts all the time. When I exercise, when I’m walking, when I’m doing errands, driving, cleaning, random times I take public transit…I am never out of my place without that iPod…and now it is gone.

I want it back.

Obviously my wanting it back won’t get it back, but it doesn’t change that I want it. The best I can do is keep an eye out for someone trying to sell it on Craigslist, so my odds of finding it are slim to none.

I thought I was doing kind of ok when it came to handling things lately but this sent me over the edge in to cookie land. It would have been much worse if I could drive my vehicle and get to the store because all I really wanted was chocolate cake *rolls eyes* The cookies were a compromise. Gotta say, they did the trick.

not ok

What To Say…

I’ve come here and written and then deleted so many posts lately, or sometimes I just come, open a new post and stare at the white screen not knowing where to start. It is frustrating wanting to write but not knowing what I want to say, or knowing what I want to say but not being able to express it well enough to hit “publish”.

I’ve been having a tough time lately, dealing with family stuff, personal stuff, work stuff, just stuff. And yeah, I know everyone has shit to deal with but ya know, some people are better at dealing than others. I know with some things I am great at dealing and other things not so much, shrug, its just how I am I guess.

I ran in to an ex the other day and by some weird fluke I wasn’t looking horrible. It was a race day so I was in my team jersey and yoga pants with all my gear on and I had just finished a race so I wasn’t exactly looking glamorous but since he competes in the same sport he knows what people look like after a race. My team ranked higher than his, which is a first, he was always the one on a better ranking team and he never let me forget it. The thing that stuck with me from that chance encounter is that he has gained weight. Not like some massive amount or anything, but definitely gained. I know noticing and commenting on that makes me seem petty and juvenile but just so you know my side of things, when we were dating he used to tell me I had better not get fat and if I gained weight he would dump me, so sorry if it is rude but it made me grin seeing he got bigger.

Another thing that happened, I was with friends, friends who know I am trying to lose weight but who don’t know I have an ed. There was a huuuuge box of TimBits and one of my friends took the box and shoved it in my face and taunted me, trying to get me to eat them. I kept saying no, which was sooooo freakin hard, and she kept doing it, with others chiming in! I had already eaten 4 which is waaaaaay over the amount I should have eaten and knew I was headed for a binge later in the evening if I wasn’t careful, in fact I was already planning a route home that would take me past a Tim Horton’s so I could buy my own box, scarf them all down, and have no one be the wiser. Ugh. So anyways, there they were, doing their damndest to get me to eat all the TimBits and somehow I managed to stick to my guns and not eat them…well, anymore than the four I already mentioned I ate.

I am pretty mad that they wouldn’t leave me alone but at the same time they don’t know my struggle so how can I expect them to know not to do that? And also, even if they did know my struggle, I don’t want people to have to feel like they have to handle me with kids gloves ya know? I want to be strong enough to deal with whatever comes my way and not internally freak out, or get depressed, or binge as a way to deal. I’m not there yet but maybe one day…

I’ve been feeling really sad lately, for no apparent reason, so I’m putting it down to being in one of my slumps. They happen sometimes and they suck. I can feel when they are starting but have never been able to stop one from starting. It is like being sucked down in to a dark pit, you see you are at the edge and you see the ground crumbling under your feet but you can’t care enough to step back, you just watch as you fall and hope that eventually you figure out how to climb out of the pit. I’ve always managed to climb out eventually but I’m pretty sure one day I won’t be able to…not sure what will happen then…

I’m still losing weight, so that’s good. Not as quickly as I want but hey, down is better than maintaining or going up! Also, if I lose the weight a bit slower people won’t notice it as quickly which means I’ll have fewer people worried or trying to sabotage my efforts so all-in-all, slow might be a better choice for right now. It sucks because I am impatient and want to lose it all right away but I’m trying to focus on slow being better rather than my impatience…I’m not always good at it but I’m trying…

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waist

Pie

I ate pie today, and not like a normal person where I had one slice, oh no, heaven forbid I don’t be a disgusting pig *rolls eyes* I was well on my way to finishing off the entire thing when I finally managed to stop. It’s a little hard to tell because it was smooshed in my bowl but I’d say I ate 3/4 of the pie…plus topped it with Ben n Jerry’s Half-Baked ice cream.

Ugh.

It would appear that going to the Adult Ed Information Session on Monday has set me on a path of binge, binge, and binge some more!

What. The. Fuck. 😦

Today was pie, yesterday was an entire box of macaroni and cheese and some chocolate, Tuesday I managed to have some restraint but Monday on the way home from the session I bought freakin McDonald’s (two cheeseburgers no pickle, fries and a chocolate milkshake thanks very much).

I am a walking disaster.

I feel so sick to my stomach. I finished the pie eating fiasco hmm…two hours ago maybe and I am still horrendously nauseous. On top of that, before I ate the pie I was actually doing well for the day but was feeling a bit off in the tummy for no reason I can deduce so all I did by eating the pie and ice cream was compound the sick feeling. I thiiiiink I was feeling sick from the binge yesterday, like a food hangover, maybe? It’s my best guess anyways.

On top of all this I missed my team practice this evening, and we compete this Saturday! Tonights practice was so so so important and I fucking missed it because I was eating fucking pie! I let my team down, and me down, and for what? A pie that wasn’t even that good? For a chance to stuff more food in to my gut? For an experience that leaves me hating myself?

Yeah, good choice there dumb ass.

I was in the shower a bit ago and had the realization that I missed practice, something I actually love going to, for pie, and I cried a little. I’m not really a crier but that knowledge broke a part of me. Knowing that I am so out of control that I skipped something important so I could eat pie.

That’s so not normal.

I have approximately three months before I get in to the program, wait lists an all that. And I have no money to get personal counselling any earlier than that so I have to sit with this knowledge, not knowing how to process it, and what do you bet by the time I do get in to the program I will have blocked this from active memory so I never bring it up, or I am so embarrassed I choose to never bring it up because who would want to admit to this?

I hate myself right now. I hate the choice I made. I hate that I didn’t recognize the choice I was making as the wrong one. I hate that 99% of the time I think I am in control but then something like this happens and I realize I am not but I don’t know how to fix anything. I hate that there is nothing I can do right this very second to help myself because I don’t know how. I hate that our wonderful free healthcare system means having to deal with wait lists. I hate that I am so weak I got myself in to this situation in the first place and I really hate I can’t figure out how to get out of it on my own.

Basically right now I am a big ball of self-hatred…and nausea, don’t forget the nausea. sigh.

cyclecollarbones

Bad Choices

Lately I feel like all I do is make bad food choices. Ugh.

Yesterdays oh so awesome bad food choice? Well, there were a lot of them but the worst one was when I ate 4 freakin huuuuge cinnamon buns drenched in icing. That was around 10:30 pm. What a way to end the day!

The other bad food choices I made yesterday include food from Tim Horton’s and food from Subway.

To make things even worse I only got 2 hours of exercise yesterday.

So basically I ingested a million calories and burned practically none.

No wonder I’m so fat. sigh.

Yesterday is just a sampling of what kind of boneheaded decisions I’ve been making. There have been others. They have been just as bad. Possibly worse…depending how you rate these things.

I keep telling myself I will do better and then I get this overwhelming urge to binge and instead of figuring out how to resist that urge I cave.

I start to hate myself right from the moment I know I won’t be able to resist the urge to binge. The self-hatred intensifies while I get the food ready, sky rockets while I am eating and as soon as the last bite is swallowed the hate and the guilt settle in to my stomach, with all that food, leaving me full not only with all the food I just ate but with all sorts of negative feelings and thoughts about myself.

I would cry if I was a crier. I would purge if I was a purger. I would cut if I was a cutter.

I would do anything possible to release how I feel from my body during and after a binge but I don’t know how to escape, how to step out of myself and no longer have to feel like that. So instead I wallow in it, I sit and I watch tv or a movie or YouTube and I get overwhelmed by the physical discomfort of all that food in me. I get overwhelmed by all the emotions swirling around inside of me.

Why can’t we purge emotions? How great would that be!

Then eventually I go to sleep with the hope I won’t repeat what I just went through again. I sleep to escape everything I just did and to avoid having to feel all that food in my stomach. As I drift off to sleep I tell myself tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I won’t binge, tomorrow I will go to the gym, or for a run, or to a fitness class, anything that will get me active so I can burn all those calories I just ate.

Even though thinking of the exercise I will do tomorrow comforts me a part of me knows it probably won’t happen, and that I will most likely binge again, if not tomorrow than the day after. Knowing that makes me want to never wake up. Makes me want to be a different person. Makes me wonder how the hell “normal” people don’t get so messed up with food. All that wondering has me despairing of ever getting out of this cycle.

fat cow

A Binge Solution?

I love doughnuts. They are a food I could binge on every single day. Doesn’t even have to be the fancy ones, I love em all!

I hate doughnuts. They are a food I could binge on every single day. I want to eat them all and can scarf down 6 in under 5 minutes!

Ah doughnuts…I have such a love / hate relationship with you.

I have been wanting doughnuts for hmm, lets see…a week or so now? Basically since my last doughnut binge. I really could eat them every day.

Normally I buy doughnuts from Tim Horton’s because, well, they rock, lol. Also, if I have to select them from a display case and have someone put them in a box for me I tend to not get as many as I want because the embarrassment level is high. I’m always so sure they know I am going to rush home and eat them all…

Wal-Mart however has a 6 pack of simple glazed doughnuts for a measly $1. They are waaay over glazed, dripping glaze all over the place, but they are somehow good and addictive despite all that extraneous glaze. I try not to buy them because (1) even if I tell myself I won’t eat them all at once I know I will, (2) what kind of cheap ass ingredients are they using that they can sell 6 doughnuts for only $1, and (3) doughnuts are not a safe food, they are so far from being a safe food it is ridiculous and they should never ever be allowed in my apartment!

Well jokes on me cause a week ago I bought the stupid things from Wal-Mart and have wanted more ever since.

When I was at Superstore this evening (hey, it was a legit trip, I needed milk!) I wandered over to the bakery section to see if they sold doughnuts, sadly they did not but they did have an amazing looking Swiss Roll Cake. For those that don’t know imagine a chocolate cake that was made kinda thin, then spread white frosting on it and roll it up, Mmm!

Brought that sucker home and was eating it, while standing in the kitchen, waiting for the water to boil for my cup of tea.

I am disgusting. I didn’t even take the cake out of the package, just popped the lid open and dug in with a fork. I consider myself somewhat less a heathen because I started eating the cake from one side rather than digging in right in the middle. Not much of an accomplishment but hey, I’ll take what I can get. *rolls eyes*

Jokes on me though cause that Swiss Roll Cake…not good! I mean, not so horrible I spit it out or anything but ugh, not good. The chocolate cake part is dry and the white frosting is gross.

You’d think that wouldn’t really matter considering how quickly I am eating it right? I mean someone who eats 1/4 of a cake in the time it takes water to boil can’t really be paying thaaaat much attention to flavour, right? And you are right! But even as I shoveled forkful after forkful in to my mouth I was aware I didn’t like how the cake tasted and that made the binge less enjoyable. And hey, a less enjoyable binge is sometimes a binge that might end a bit early…maybe…least this time it was.

I ended up in the living room, sitting on my chair, tea on the table beside me, laptop on and playing Netflix, cake package in one hand, fork in the other, shoveling the gross cake in my mouth and I could’t do it, I couldn’t finish it. It was so un-enjoyable that I could not finish the cake.

Now sure, sometimes when I binge eat I get so far in to the food and have to stop, I take a bit of a breather and maybe 15-30 minutes later I reach over, grab what is left over and continue eating but not this time. I mean yeah, I had the impulse to reach over and grab the cake but…it is gross…and I didn’t want more of that flavour in my mouth, assaulting my poor taste buds. So…I didn’t eat more of the cake. I did eventually go make some toast, but only 2 slices, and all I put on it was some margarine, and ok one slice had raspberry jam but it was in normal quantities. I mean, two slices of toast, that isn’t soooooo bad, is it? *cringe face*

Anyways! This has led me to think that maybe, perhaps, if possible, if you know when you are going to binge eat, and you know you won’t be able to stop yourself, maybe buy (or make, if you’re that kind of person) something that isn’t exactly all that much to your liking. I didn’t know I wasn’t going to like this cake, but I sure am glad I didn’t because instead of eating the entire cake I ate half. Which sure, doesn’t sound like much of a win, but again, I’ll take what I can get where I can get it and half a cake sure seems better to me than a whole cake!

So yeah, that is my suggestion, even though it seems like a waste of money to buy food you don’t particularly like, and yeah, it seems like a waste of food (cause the rest of this cake is most definitely going in to the garbage), isn’t it better to waste a little bit of money and food and save yourself all those calories?

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