Tag Archives: purge

About Thursday

I am writing this a day after Thursday, in the hopes of getting past, or over, or at least somehow in the process of dealing with, the shock of the 5 year anniversary. (Yesterday’s post)

Thursday was an odd day.

I had a binge. A huge binge. Larger than I have had in a long time. It wasn’t as big as it could have been. I had other food I was also going to eat but somehow managed to talk myself out of it.

Then I was horrifically full so didn’t eat for um, 8.5 hours or so.

I wasn’t going to eat again at all that day but I had practice and I am trying to stick with the whole “eat before and after working out or engaging in a physical activity” rule. sigh. I hate that rule.

Obviously I didn’t eat right before practice, what with all the food that was still in my stomach digesting – which side note, despite very much wanting to I did not take any laxatives or diet pills to rush the food out of me – a miracle if ever there was one.

I’d like to take some credit for that but I only refrained because I know that the side effects from those pills would have hit when I was at practice and oh wow would that not be good.

So…no pills…but lots of food in the tummy…

Then I went to practice, had a decent workout, and when it was all done wanted ice cream. What the fuck?! *rolls eyes* My brain was all “you already fucked up today, if ever there is gonna be a day to eat the ice cream it is today!” but it was also saying “sure you ate a tonne earlier but you just finished practice so you burned a bunch of that off which means you have room to eat more”

I would like to point out that both those arguments are flawed, and yet, both feel so valid.

The whole drive home I was arguing with myself if I was going to get ice cream. If I wasn’t going to get it did I want to stop somewhere else and pick up something ready made to eat for dinner? Did I want to just grab the McFlurry and be done with it? Did I want to make something to eat at home? Or should I just not eat?

Don’t you love how I go from eating ice cream to eating nothing, like middle options don’t count or something.

In the end I went home, with the fairly solid plan of not eating because I was definitely over my calories for the day so my body doesn’t need any more food in it. If it is hungry from practice, which it shouldn’t be, then it can feed itself from the food I already put in it.

After my shower though I remembered a talk with my one-on-one counsellor and how we talked about post-workout nutrition and how it is important.

Ugh. Sometimes I hate when those talks pop back up in my head because they make it harder to convince myself restricting is the right choice and some days I really want to restrict because oh my god all the food in me from earlier!! Ack! But, I know he is right, and I am wrong, so I remembered what we talked about. I remembered about fueling my body, and taking care of it, and how if I don’t give it what it needs post-workout than tomorrow will be harder, and my workout tomorrow will be harder, and I’ll be more prone to injury and exhaustion, and well, I kept remembering a lot of stuff.

Eventually all that remembering kicked my ass in to gear and I made something to eat. And not even my normal food, which would have been a protein smoothie bowl or an egg with some toast.

Nope. I went out of my comfort zone by so freakin much. I have no idea why, it just felt like the night to try…to be honest I think because I still felt like such a screw up from my earlier binge that I figured if I’m gonna eat something higher calorie than my normal post practice meal I might as well go completely off plan. So, not the best reasoning for why to try something new but whatever.

I cooked a beef burger patty, and topped it with cheese, because oh yeah, apparently I eat cheese sometimes now! How the fuck did that happen?!  (I’m gonna get so fat…no! no, in moderation it might be ok…right?) Aaaaaand I made these things, I don’t know what to call them, they are like tater tots but made of broccoli and cheese.

I bought them I don’t even know how long ago and they have been in my freezer ever since. I’ve been too scared to try them because (1) what if I don’t like them and I’m stuck with them or (2) even worse, what if I like them and eat them too often, or too many at a time, and do I really want to risk having yet one more food that I know about, and like, that I have to put on my “not allowed” list, cause you know that is where most foods end up. sigh.

Food stuff is so hard.

So yeah, the package said 6 was a serving, so I cooked 6 of them.

That means I ate a burger patty with some cheese melted on top and 6 broccoli & cheese tot things.

Can that be any farther from something I am comfortable eating?

And omg, later I ate 10 crackers so I got my freakin grain component.

What has come over me…

Oh, and one last thing for the day, our drop-in group on Monday is cancelled cause of the holiday so I actually reached out to the friends I made in group that I hang with sometimes and asked if any of them would be interested in chilling that day, sort of our own group thing, so we don’t miss that Monday connection we usually have. And two of them have said yes! I thought for sure they’d be all “omg do we not see enough of you already, back the fuck off woman!” but no, they actually seem happy with the idea. Not everyone has responded yet so some of them may be all “back the fuck off”, but not all of them are…I’m assuming it is more the need to stick to routine and take care of their own recovery than any actual desire to hang out with me but that’s ok, shrug, I can deal with that.

I’m trying to tally the day, in a recovery positive way, and here is what I have:

Bad Shit:

I had a binge

Good Shit:

I stopped the binge before it got even worse than it was.

I didn’t take any pills etc. to purge after the binge.

I didn’t bail on my practice and avoid humanity because of my binge.

I initially restricted after the binge due to being sooooo full but after practice I made and cooked a meal.

The meal I cooked had all 4 food groups, contained red meat (something I never eat), contained a completely new to me food, had cheese, and I willingly ate a serving of carbs.

I didn’t purge the dinner I made.

I reached out to friends to make arrangements to help us all have support on a day when I knew we would be lacking it.

So, it would seem the Good tally is winning, wouldn’t you say?

Now, I will be the first to admit I could be very wrong here. Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten the post practice dinner because of how much I consumed earlier. I don’t know all the new rules, and I get confused a lot about what to do, what is the right decision, and I most likely made the wrong one here. But even if it is wrong, I made a decision, and I stuck with it, no matter what the consequences were. And at the end of the day I guess that is the best I can do.

(I feel I should point out I wrote that last paragraph like it is no big deal but I was freaking out. Totally and absolutely freaking out about having eaten that dinner, having the food in my tummy, taking in even more calories. I have been doing so well lately with not eating too much and Thursday totally blew that out of the water. So ya know, panic, in spades. But I still didn’t go for the pills, or for a late night run, instead I drank some water and went to bed. Please let that be a sign of progress cause if it isn’t then this internal drama sooooo isn’t worth it! Just sayin’)

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Not A Great Day

The title says it all. Today is not a great day. I woke up in a blah mood, not really wanting to face the world but having things I had to do so out I went. I really should have never left the apartment, ugh. I am easily irritated today, have no patience, am near tears, and just want to hide from everyone and everything.

At the same time part of me just doesn’t care. I was driving earlier, saw a car coming, turned anyways, cut them off, they were blowing their horn at me, it was a dumb ass move that could have caused an accident and yet…I just don’t care. I didn’t care when I did it, I don’t care now, I am numb.

I had a work lunch, they served Malaysian food, I took a random assortment of things, mostly things in sauces that spread out a lot so my plate looked like it had more food on it than it really did. I also purposefully took a serving of the pork dish, pretending I didn’t realize it was pork, so when I sat down and “discovered” the pork I could be all shocked and dismayed and nobody blinked at me not eating that part of my food – they all know I don’t eat pork. Yay for being good at deceiving people I guess…

I went to a drop in meeting last Monday for people with ED. I have been on a waiting list for 4 months to get some sort of help, frankly I kinda thought they forgot about me, so I was plugging along, doing my own thing, losing weight and doing ok when out of nowhere they called. I had an info session type of thing, learned the rules etc, and then had my first group meeting. I start actual classes or something in January but until then I am required to attend minimum 2 drop in sessions per month. There are 3 different types of drop in session and I can pick any combo of the three types I want.

The one I went to is a Weekly Support Group. The other two are a Weekly Relaxation / Meditation Group and a Weekly Meal Support Group.

The Weekly Support Group was ok I guess. A bunch of people with various eating disorders sitting around talking about all kinds of things with a shrink and a dietitian sitting with us for mediation / information / feedback. It was weird to hear other people talking about behaviours that I do, or about having the same thoughts that I think. It isn’t like I thought I was the only person who had these thoughts or behaviours or issues but I’ve never talked openly to anyone about them and never heard other people talking openly about what they do.

Since that meeting though, my restrictive eating has increased. I had gotten to what I thought of as a decent balance of food, not too much food, not too little food, for me. This past week though it seems like there is no end to situations that occur that end with me eating something I shouldn’t, and all the restricting I have been doing has not been enough compensation, resulting in my having gained weight this week. 😦

I knew I had gained weight, I could feel that I had, and I am freakin miserable about it. Seeing that number on the scale go up makes me want to cry, or punch something, or not care when I drive, or binge, or purge, or restrict more, or engage in any number of not good for me activities.

So ever since weigh-in today I’ve been struggling. Before weigh-in I was just in a bad mood, since weigh-in I am in a destructive mood. On my way home part of me was all “might as well drive to a bakery and get allllll the food!” while another part of me was all “no food! for minimum 24 hours! must fix this!”

I don’t know which part to listen to, eat everything, eat nothing…I just don’t know.

I compromised, when I got home I took a Cayenne Pepper extract and a Green Tea extract. You are supposed to take them when eating a meal but it was pretty soon after my work lunch so I hoped it would still count. The combo is supposed to help you metabolize your food faster. I decided that if it seemed like they had worked, and if later in the day I feel hungry, I would allow myself some vegetables. If they didn’t seem to work then I would just drink lots of water, tea, and diet coke and wait to eat until sometime tomorrow afternoon.

I’m so mad at going up 1.8lbs in weight when I’ve been working so hard and as of last week had lost 18lbs. Now I feel like I have to start all over.

sad

Upcoming Ordeals

Since I started being strict with my restricting again I have minimized social outings. I don’t mind staying in more than going out since I am introverted but its not like I hermit myself away every day…normally…

The only times I’ve been hanging with people is if we are exercising together which is nice because I get in a workout, get to hang with a friend and don’t get pressured to eat, its a win all around! 🙂

However, within the next 4 days I have 2 social functions I can’t get out of that involve food, lots of food…I’ve been trying to figure out for days what to do about this and have yet to figure out an action plan and I’m starting to get nervous because I don’t have an action plan. Ack!

The first social thing is a friend who is coming by to help me with some stuff, manual labour type stuff that I needed a second set of hands for. When we were first planning the day she would come help we were joking about moving furniture, drinking and just hanging out. So I have the alcohol which I figured I could sparingly drink to minimize the calories I get from that but I realized I should really offer her dinner since she’ll be here for hours. I of course don’t have food she can eat, I hardly have any food, and I don’t really want to bring any in so I suggested I pick up some sushi or order a pizza or something. I reeeeally hoped she’d go for the sushi but she chose pizza, sigh. So we will be eating pizza…pizza! There is nothing good about this situation. I thought about eating one slice super slow and hoping she didn’t notice how much I ate (or didn’t eat) but she is highly observant, my apartment is super tiny, and there is no way she won’t see how much I eat (or don’t eat).

I’m not sure what to do. I’m not good at purging, and even if I was the apartment is so small that anything done in the bathroom can be heard outside of the bathroom (lovely huh?) so she’d be able to hear me throw up and she’d question me about that.

Because I live alone I’ve never had to develop tricks for making it look like I ate more than I really did, is there even a way to do that?

The other social thing is even worse lol My sports team is having a party, everyone brings food, everyone will bring alcohol, we’ll all have a great time. We do this every year and every year I have loved it, but I’ve never gone to one of these parties when restricting and I’m not sure how this is gonna go. There is never any healthy food, if I thought I could nibble on raw veggies all night I’d be fine but people bring Chinese buns, and chicken wings, and burgers (there is usually a bbq happening), and salads (but not lettuce salads, more like pasta salads and salads with cream sauces an stuff) and loads of desserts. Hell, I’m taking two desserts because weirdly enough I’m really good at baking and everyone knows this so my bringing desserts is expected.

The party starts around dinner time and goes all night, the bulk of the eating happens all at once, everyone loads up plates and hangs out chatting while eating, the rest of the eating happens over the course of the night, people nibble on what is left over as the evening progresses, so basically, there is always eating happening.

It isn’t that I can’t be around people when they are eating, it is that it will be super obvious if I don’t eat when everyone else is eating, and also super obvious if I don’t snack during the evening.

Oh boy.

So yeah, thoughts about these two events that are coming up that I can’t get out of have basically filled my head and I think of almost nothing else.

Lovely.

must not eat

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Binge Then Run

I binged today. I don’t even know why, nothing upset me, no big emotional swings, just me, having a day. I think it was my poor planning of my day. I was out, I had a work thing then an errand to run and by the time I was done the errand I was ridiculously hungry. I had already eaten once today and that should have been plenty but for some reason I found myself at Safeway, at the deli section, buying chips (like french fries but the potato wedge kind), sweet potato wedges, ginger beef and macaroni & cheese. What the actual fuck?? *groan*

As a stupendously small win I also really wanted a milk shake but I managed to not go there. I don’t think a win so small actually counts as a win though…sigh…

Back to the binge, ugh. I ate. And then I ate some more. Did you know macaroni & cheese eaten with a bit of the sauce from ginger beef is actually really tasty? Yeah, me neither. Pleasant surprise that.

I’ve really got to figure out how to be better at purging. I suck at it. I have the hardest to activate gag reflex ever, it is ridiculous.

So there I was, sitting with the fullest stomach ever, feeling like a bloated whale, really wishing I could make myself sick cause I felt so gross when I decided I should go to the gym.

Don’t get me wrong, I work out, but normally after a binge I am:

(1) convinced people who see me will be able to tell what I did so I hate going out in public

(2) so overly full I feel sick and can barely move, let alone work out

(3) ashamed to look at my own body, let alone change in to form fitting work out clothes

(4) fairly certain all those calories are instantly visible

(5) will break the treadmill

So working out after a binge is not ever a thing I do.

Tonight however, I did. Weird…

I felt disgusting. The entire time I was getting ready I felt heavy, and bloated and sick and I kept coming up with reasons to not go but despite all that I kept getting ready. Once I got to the gym I couldn’t very well turn around, people had seen me, they’d wonder what my deal was so off to the cardio section I went.

I ran, well, jogged, on the treadmill and omg did it make me feel gross at first. My stomach was weighing me down, I was sure everyone was looking at me and thinking about how fat I was and how I should do the world a service and hide in my apartment instead of let people see me but since the treadmills face away from the rest of the people in the gym I couldn’t see any of their condescending stares so I just kept on jogging. By the ten minute mark I was actually feeling good about what I was doing. I upped the level and the speed, and by default the incline and I felt even better.

My intention had been to run then slink out of the gym as if I’d never been there but instead I went to the stairmaster and did another 30 minutes on there. I’m torn on the stairmaster. I know stairs are good but I always feel like I’m doing something not quite right when using that machine…I asked for help one time but the guy working the desk had no idea how to use it, lovely huh?

After the stairmaster I had to leave cause the gym was closing, which sucked cause I wanted to do more but oh well. I did a quick walk home and while walking I realized I still felt heavy in my stomach, and bloated and gross but in a different way. I had chugged a bunch of water after my workout and it was the water making me feel like that, not the food, or at least not as much of the food as it had been prior to going to the gym. That was nice.

Something I have always wondered, after I work out, whether I drink a lot of water or not, my stomach area is not as flat as normal. Today was especially bad because of the binge but usually my abdominal area is poofier, more bloated looking. You’d think after working out it’d look smaller but nope, not on me, it looks bigger. I can’t figure out why, is it the sweat in my skin making me swell, is it a workout related thing, or am I just a freak of nature? It goes away, don’t think I stay like that lol Usually about an hour after I’m done showering and am back to my normal body temperature my abdominal area goes back to looking normal but it’s always so disconcerting when that happens. It always makes me want to not workout cause it feels like in the short term it is making me fatter…

After the binge I was all ready for a night of self-loathing, a night of feeling disgusting, a night of misery, but that little jaunt to the gym helped with all that. It was embarrassing but it had good results. I still feel bloated but not as much, I don’t hate myself quite as much as I normally do after a binge cause I know I burned at least some of those calories off, and I’m not already cringing at the idea of going to work tomorrow and wondering if people can tell just by looking at me that I binged.

Why did it take me so long to figure out going to the gym after a binge would make me feel better? *rolls eyes*

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O.A. Anyone?

Has anyone who reads this blog ever gone to overeaters anonymous? It’s like AA but for people who have issues with food. You don’t have to be an overeater, you can have any type of eating disorder/issue…from my understanding anyways…

that about sums it up

that about sums it up

I’ve been binge eating quite a bit lately and am disgusted by myself. You would not believe how many cookies I ate today and that was after stuffing myself with lasagna (a food I don’t even like!). My stomach hurts, I feel nauseous and I really wish I was even semi-decent at making myself puke cause I know I’d feel better if I could get this food outta me but I never seem able to make myself purge, it’s like I have the most non-existent gag reflex possible, sigh.

Anyways, back to OA, I went to one meeting a couple years ago but it wasn’t the right time for me, it wasn’t the right fit, if that makes any sense? I thought no way I belong there, I have this food thing under control, I can stop over eating and restricting and all the other things I am doing whenever I want, I just don’t want to yet.

But lately I’ve realized that maybe I am wrong. I didn’t want to be binge eating this evening but I couldn’t stop myself. I was bingeing at work, I mean, what if I’d gotten caught?? I’ve always binged in private before but lately it’s been harder and harder to control and now apparently I am bingeing in semi-public. I don’t even want to contemplate what might be next…

After work I searched for an OA meeting, for once I really wanted to talk, out loud, to other people, about what I was feeling/going through. Tho, to be honest if I’d tried to express myself I most likely wouldn’t of known what to say, sigh. There weren’t any meetings though. How can there not be an OA meeting on a Saturday night?!?! Wouldn’t that be considered a prime night for people to need support or help? Or maybe that is just me…

So now I’m at home, prepping my food for work tomorrow, attempting to digest all those freakin cookies and bit by bit I am losing the urge to talk to actual people, losing the urge to get some help in possibly over coming some of my food issues. losing the urge to express myself or even try to figure out for my own self what it is I am feeling. I don’t know why I binge like this, I don’t know why I can’t control it and very rarely do I want to dig deep to figure out why I do these things.

It would appear though that the one time I feel like I want to unburden myself and try to figure out what makes this food beast tick there is no help to be had. No one to go to.

Because apparently I am the only person who needs help on a Saturday night.

skinny red

I Lost My Cheekbones?!

This could probably have a wittier title but I have been awake for almost 24 hours and am freakin tired. ugh.

I want to be thinner than her, and I want those whispers to be about me

I want to be thinner than her, and I want those whispers to be about me

I went out for dinner with a friend today. I wasn’t as strict with myself about eating when I was out with her because prior to that I had eaten 2 pieces of brown toast, one protein shake, one calorie free mint and a chinese bun from the bakery. The bun should NOT have happened but I was super tired and needed the quick energy from the carbs, sigh.

I have replaced one meal a day with my protein shake which is working out great! Cause that means I eat one meal and I drink one meal, on the whole it is making me feel a lot better about myself because I’m getting lots of nutrients from my protein shake but not a lot of calories! Also, I feel less guilty about drinking something as a meal then eating something as a meal…don’t know why but I do, shrug.

Anyways!

Went out for dinner and split two different appies with my friend then ate a burger. Kill me. So much food! Not cool! 😦 I should have just had the appies, or just the burger if I was going to insist on eating something way filling, but to eat all of it, I suck! *shakes head* I can’t purge quickly yet, no matter how much I try. I saw this documentary that followed a group of ladies in rehab for eating disorders, they could literally just stand in front of a toilet, bend over and purge – how the fuck did they do that?!?! I wish I knew how to do that, sigh. But alas, I don’t know how so I have to stick something down my throat to set off my gag reflex and that doesn’t always work, it can take me a long time to get a purge going which effectively stops me from being able to purge anywhere but at home, lame. By the time I got home the food was too long in my tummy for me to be able to do anything about it so now I am stuck with all those calories in me, it makes me want to cry.

What is ironic is my friend told me at dinner today I am looking healthier then ever before. Last year this time I was on a super strict eating plan and exercise regime, I won’t go in to details but I basically took a plan given to me by a trainer then make it stricter so it would work faster – and it did! I was toning up, getting skinny, looking soooo good! Fitting in to smaller an smaller sizes, amazing! The plan was super hard to maintain though, and I know, if I had any kind of real drive i would find a way to maintain it but I don’t know how, my new job got in the way and I was never able to figure out how to fit that plan around this job. At the time I knew I was doing well cause of what size clothes I was wearing but I wanted to do even better, I wanted to lose even more! I still do, duh.

I didn’t realize it, but this time last year my face was gaunt. Apparently my cheekbones stuck out a lot and my face looked unhealthy because it got so skinny. I wish I could have noticed and appreciated that at the time, sigh. So my friend says today that back then she didn’t want to say anything but she thought I had pushed it too far, was going too extreme, was becoming sick, maybe had a problem,

But now? Now my cheekbones have filled in a bit, I look healthier, I look like someone who allows herself to eat. I look better.

That made me want to run to a bathroom and purge like you wouldn’t believe.

What she is really saying is I look fatter then last year. 😦 Fatter! Fuck.

I tried to tip toe around confessing that I’m not healthy now, that I have worse eating habits now then I did back then, that I do things now I didn’t back then (purge etc), that it is actually now, when I look fatter, that I have the problem, that I am maybe going too far. She didn’t hear me. She didn’t want to. She ignored my tentative sort of almost vague confession because she was focusing on how my fat cheeks make me look healthier and she isn’t worried about me anymore.

Should she be worried? Sometimes I am worried. When i look at the contents of my fridge and cupboards, when I think about all the foods I don’t eat, and all the things I purge, when I think about all the shit I am doing to myself in my desperate attempt to lose more weight I get a bit worried. But then I shake it off. I am going in to this with my eyes wide open, I am managing what I do to myself so I don’t cause permanent damage to my teeth or esophagus or other body parts/systems. I am taking part in my various weight loss rituals in as close to a healthy way as can be managed. And if I go to bed hungry every night and want to sleep every day away because I don’t have enough energy to function? Well that is for me to deal with, not my friend, who thinks I am healthy now.

What she said made me think though and I have to make some sort of drastic change, without it becoming apparent to anybody I know. I think I will go back to what I was doing last year, or as close to it as I can manage. There must be a way to make it work with my work schedule, maybe it just requires more planning, I can do that, I think…

I lost my cheekbones and now look healthy…I want my cheekbones back, I don’t care if my face was so thin it made friends wonder if I had gone too far, I want to be so thin people whisper about how skinny I’ve gotten, I know those whispers will be envious comments about how I’ve gotten so thin, and while that will be awesome I most look forward to standing in front of a mirror and seeing my cheekbones again, along with a super skinny body to match them. I just have to figure out how to get there…

Sunday Is Going To Suck

Tomorrow, Sunday, is Easter. This doesn’t mean anything to me except for chocolate, chocolate in all the stores, dressed up as cute little eggs and bunnies, chocolate given as gifts by well meaning people who make comments about how I need fattening up or don’t need to worry about what I eat, chocolate that ends up in my kitchen, then in my hand, then in my mouth, then in my stomach then on my thighs, ass, tummy, love handles, everywhere! Expanding my fat cells to make me even bigger. Bringing my self confidence even farther down so as I type this post just thinking about all that chocolate makes me want to cry.

Thinking about chocolate shouldn’t ever make a person want to cry, unless it’s a pms-ing girl (I can say that cause I have cried when pms-ing and craving chocolate but there is none around *rolls eyes*).

I love chocolate.

I hate that chocolate exists.

Tomorrow at my work there is a huge Easter buffet, there will be more food at that buffet then a homeless person sees in one years time. It is disgusting how much food will be there.  I know in advance how much there will be because it’s a repeat of the Christmas buffet. Every type of food you can think of, in large quantities, so much food that at the end of the day there will be enough food thrown out to feed a homeless person for one year (if you could stop the food from spoiling that is).

I will have to work near all that food, listen to people exclaim how great it tastes, smell it, crave it, and not touch it. But once the customers are done the staff will be invited by our manager to go through the buffet, take whatever we want, sit down, relax, eat at leisure before getting back to work. He is well meaning. I can see how the thought is nice. I can see how those I work with enjoy the opportunity to eat amazing food, to indulge a bit more then they might normally because everything tastes so good.

I will hate this time for so many reasons. (1) I don’t like people seeing me eat but if I don’t eat something it’ll be noticed and I’ll be asked relentlessly why I am not eating (2) I’ll only be taking fresh fruit and veggies, maaaaybe a tiny bit of protein but even though I’ll feel I have a large amount of food I’ll be teased and made fun of for having such a small serving compared to everyone else, I hate being noticed because of my food choices (3) this will be a huge test of my willpower and I am already terrified I will fail and eat more then I should because right now, as I type this, I am super hungry because today was a seriously restricted calorie day and my tummy is letting me know it is not impressed.

I’m not good at coping with situations like this. I’m stressing about what is going to happen tomorrow. I am taking some safe foods and will hopefully be able to keep people off my back about what I choose from the buffet line by making what food I do select seem like more then it is…I’m already planning how to purge whatever I do eat without people realizing I am nipping in to the bathroom so soon after eating. This one guy at work notices everything about me (cause he likes me, not cause he’s creepy), he’s one of the chefs and is always trying to feed me, drives me nuts. I know tomorrow he’ll notice what I put on my plate and how much of it I eat, I’ll have to make sure I sit far away from him. Man, I wish I could call in sick tomorrow, sigh.

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