Tag Archives: recovery

Comfort In Numbers

I know in recovery we aren’t supposed to focus on numbers.

No calories, no hopping on a scale, no tracking of workouts (if you’re even allowed to work out!), basically, if there is a number attached to what you want to do, it’s a no-go.

Lately I’ve been breaking all the number rules, and I’m finding a lot of comfort in that.

I started tracking my calories again, and fyi, was horrified at how much I’m eating. It’s no wonder I’m feeling fatter and my clothes are tighter.

Then I stepped on the scale, silently (and not so silently) begging the universe to not let the number be too high. It was seven pounds up from the last time I weighed myself. Seven fucking pounds!!

Kinda proved all the doctor’s talk about how eating more won’t make me gain weight is bullshit.

During all this I started kind of tracking my workouts. I already keep track of weight lifting info (weight, rep, set, basic stuff) because that’s just common gym sense. But now I’m also keeping a better record of my cardio, my hikes, my steps, all my fitness stuff. I’m not trying to keep a record of how many calories I burn or anything, granted my FitBit kinda does that for me, I’m just trying to make sure I have more active days than non-active.

Tonight as I was tidying up a dirty dish I realized having the numbers known and tracked was comforting. I was feeling better about my eating, I had less stress and guilt about what I had eaten that day. And if I started to stress I could go back to my food log and see that no, I hadn’t fucked up, everything was ok.

So now I’m conflicted. I know I’m not supposed to look at the numbers but for me they are making me feel better. The numbers gave me permission to eat today, if I hadn’t tracked my food today I wouldn’t have had an after work snack, even though I was hungry, because I would’ve thought I’d eaten too much to be allowed something more to eat. Instead, I had a snack, and don’t feel guilty about having eaten it! That’s gotta count for something, right?

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Too Much

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I think I’m having a panic attack. Except I don’t actually have panic attacks. Or maybe I do and I just don’t acknowledge them as such?

Ugh. Who cares what this is!!

Let’s go with, I am FREAKING OUT! And almost cried. And had a massive internal battle. And am still freaking out even though the damage is done. And I kinda still want to cry, or run away, or have someone say it will be ok, except there is nobody because I don’t have a freakin one-on-one counsellor anymore so I have no one to talk to. And I think I’m having a mental breakdown and oh my god someone get me out of my head.

Ok, lemme try to explain what is going on…

I started a fitness challenge yesterday, 44 workouts in 44 days. Nothing too crazy or extreme, just something to help me get back on track. I wasn’t initially going to add a food component to the challenge buuuuut I want results and results are 90% what happens in the kitchen and 10% what happens with your workouts so I can’t exactly ignore the food side of things completely, right?

I figured I’d track my calories, write the number on the day beside what my workout was, and it wouldn’t be a big deal. Easy peasy.

So not turning out to be easy.

I mean tracking is easy. But my response to the numbers hasn’t been easy to deal with. sigh.

Now, don’t get all judgy on me with this, but I don’t care to eat over 800 calories a day. 800 used to be my max, I preferred to be in the low 700’s. If I consistently ate in the 600’s or lower I’d have trouble functioning at work, but the low 700’s seemed to be a good spot for me.

While in this recovery program I am not supposed to track my calories *rolls eyes* For the most part I haven’t. I did have a day where I tracked because I didn’t know if I was still under eating or not since I didn’t know the numbers for how much I was eating but I knew I was eating more than I used to…wow, that is a convoluted sentence. When I tracked that day I was in the 700’s so I was ok with things.

Something I worked on with my one-on-one counsellor is pre and post workout food. According to him I have to fuel my body properly to get the results I want from my workouts, and to keep strong for my sport, and to heal quickly from my workouts so I can get back out there sooner. I don’t care for this logic but I trusted him so I started making sure I ate something about an hour to an hour and a half before working out and that I ate something after my workout.

By ate “something” I don’t mean just anything. It is always a carefully chosen, high protein, low carb, low fat, snack or meal.

Even though he is gone the idea has stuck in my head and I am still making something to eat post workout. I’m not quite as good with the pre workout but I’m trying…kinda…

After my workout tonight I came home and made a protein smoothie bowl, it is basically protein powder, a small banana, frozen mixed fruit, and a small amount of plain almond milk, all blended to a consistency that requires a spoon to eat it. It is kind of my go-to for a post workout meal.

My freakout is because I was sitting at a lovely 700 calories eaten prior to that smoothie bowl. Once I tracked that smoothie bowl I was at 1007 calories.

One thousand and seven calories.

ONE THOUSAND AND SEVEN CALORIES!!

1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!1007!

That number won’t stop flashing in my head.

Over a thousand calories. In one day. Oh. My. Fucking. God.

What have I done??

When I tracked the ingredients for the smoothie bowl I had the protein powder and the banana in the blender. I could have dumped them before blending anything. I saw that number before I had eaten the smoothie bowl, I could have done something to stop myself from eating enough calories to put me over 1000.

I could have stopped myself. I should have stopped myself. I am a failure for not stopping myself.

Whyyyyy didn’t I stop myself?

When I saw that number, as I stood at the counter with ingredients in my hand, I froze, just stared at the contents of the blender and wanted to cry. My breathing became more shallow, and faster, I wanted to throw the entire thing against a wall, get rid of it, not see it anymore. I wanted to go back to the gym for an additional workout. I wanted to scream, cry, hide, fight. I wanted to do a lot of things. All I actually did was stand there, shaking, upset, lost, not sure what to do, not sure what the right decision was, and so I chose to trust in what my counsellor had said. Trust that needing a post workout snack is more important than keeping myself in the 700’s. Trust that eating that smoothie bowl, and as a result eating 1007 calories for the day, wasn’t throwing away all the work I did in the gym. Wasn’t taking away from the results I want to get. Wasn’t going to make me wake up fatter tomorrow.

I don’t believe any of it. I think he will be wrong, and I will get fatter, and I won’t get the results I want in the gym, and I made the wrong choice, and I am stupid for making and eating the smoothie bowl, and I am failing, and making bad choices, and I deserve all the bad things that will happen to me because obviously I have no self control and don’t deserve anything good. My will power is gone, obviously. My self control non existent. My worthiness never existed.

Why did I let myself eat so much today? What was I thinking? I feel so glutenous. I never once thought I’d eat over a thousand calories in a day unless it was due to a binge. How could I let myself eat so much when it wasn’t a binge? What if this happens again? What if this is the beginning of me losing total control and sliding in to a land of over eating every day? What if this is the first day of the journey to being super fat? I can’t. I can’t let that happen. This can not happen again.

CAN NOT HAPPEN AGAIN!

I think I’m going to cry, and I am NOT a crier. But I’m so alone. I don’t have anyone to talk to in person about this who will help me figure out what I am doing, or why this happened, or what to do in the future. The only thing I know to do is go backwards. Revert back to how I was. I know I can do that. I don’t know if that is the answer though. But if that isn’t the answer than what is? I don’t know how to handle having eaten so much in one day. It isn’t like having to handle having eaten a crap ton of food in a binge and dealing with the physical and mental and emotional pain of that. There is no pain, physically at least. I’m not having side effects from what I ate. I just ate too much.

I don’t know how to mentally and emotionally cope with having eaten 1007 calories in a day. I’m so ashamed I ate that much. I feel like I am going to be judged for having eaten so much. I’m going to go hide now.

 

Diet Pills

I couldn’t write you a comprehensive list of all the diet pills and supplements I’ve taken over the years if you offered to pay me for it. Not because I’m not willing to share but because there have been so many I can’t remember them all.

For the past year or so I’ve been using, off and on, the same ones. I say “off and on” because technically, in treatment, I’m not supposed to be taking them. Or I’m at least supposed to be actively working at not taking them. Sometimes I do that. Sometimes I say fuck it as I pop em in my mouth.

Yes, I know diet pills are not regulated, or guaranteed to work, and are most likely harmful to my body, but, well, in the moment none of that matters to me. I feel that stopping taking them daily to only taking them when I have had a binge is a vast improvement and frankly, I can’t envision a life where I don’t have some occasionally. I don’t understand how not everybody has some stashed away.

A couple weeks ago I was at an essential oils party and one of the oils is for weight loss, hunger suppressant, stuff like that. There is also an option to buy a diet pill version and a shake powder.

Uh hello, a new diet pill? Why don’t you just pass that brochure on over here k?

I took a look at the blurb written about them, talked to the lady selling them, and boom! Ordered a bottle.

The stupid things are so not cheap, and I really can’t afford them. But the promise of a pill that will help suppress my appetite and make me skinny was too much to pass up.

I must have been feeling conflicted about it because I had a doc’s appointment last week and mentioned it to him. This is a shrink doc, not a body doc, I see him once every six weeks as part of my recovery program.

So yeah, he asked about my pill usage, and I told him, and then I mentioned how I bought a new one but hadn’t gotten it yet. He strongly suggested I cancel the order before I have the pills in my possession. I didn’t agree or disagree, just made some non-committal noise.

I honestly hadn’t thought I could cancel them, I’d given my word I was ordering them, I can’t go back on that, right?

I decided to let fate decide. The next day I texted the lady and asked if the order had gone in yet. She said no. I asked her to cancel my order as I had some unexpected expenses and couldn’t afford them – yes, I lied, deal with it. She asked if it would be ok to check with me in a month or so to see if I wanted them then. I said yes, mostly out of politeness, but I guess also so I don’t feel like the opportunity is lost to me forever.

I don’t know how I feel about cancelling the order. Money wise I feel relieved, I really can’t afford them. But the rest of me doesn’t feel happy about it. I guess I feel conflicted? I want the pills. I can give you a ton of arguments why I should have the pills. I honestly can’t give you one single argument for not having the pills except the shrink said to cancel the order. The decision was definitely not one made by me from a recovery mindset. I guess that doesn’t matter too much, as the result is the same, except it pisses me off that other people can buy these pills and try them, and what if these are the diet pills that really do work and I miss out on them, but I can’t buy them, all because of my eating disorder.

It doesn’t help that I’m having a horrible, and I mean horrible, body image day, and my stomach has been hurting every time I eat something for two days now, and I’m sliding down in to sadness – that is something that happens now and then. I can feel it happening but have no way to stop it, sigh. And apparently I am the equivalent of a pouty toddler because dammit, I want them *stomps foot*

Which, if I am being logical, is the perfect reason to not have them. I want them too much. And if I’m being honest I don’t need help suppressing my appetite, I barely have an appetite as-is *rolls eyes*

I still want them though…

About Thursday

I am writing this a day after Thursday, in the hopes of getting past, or over, or at least somehow in the process of dealing with, the shock of the 5 year anniversary. (Yesterday’s post)

Thursday was an odd day.

I had a binge. A huge binge. Larger than I have had in a long time. It wasn’t as big as it could have been. I had other food I was also going to eat but somehow managed to talk myself out of it.

Then I was horrifically full so didn’t eat for um, 8.5 hours or so.

I wasn’t going to eat again at all that day but I had practice and I am trying to stick with the whole “eat before and after working out or engaging in a physical activity” rule. sigh. I hate that rule.

Obviously I didn’t eat right before practice, what with all the food that was still in my stomach digesting – which side note, despite very much wanting to I did not take any laxatives or diet pills to rush the food out of me – a miracle if ever there was one.

I’d like to take some credit for that but I only refrained because I know that the side effects from those pills would have hit when I was at practice and oh wow would that not be good.

So…no pills…but lots of food in the tummy…

Then I went to practice, had a decent workout, and when it was all done wanted ice cream. What the fuck?! *rolls eyes* My brain was all “you already fucked up today, if ever there is gonna be a day to eat the ice cream it is today!” but it was also saying “sure you ate a tonne earlier but you just finished practice so you burned a bunch of that off which means you have room to eat more”

I would like to point out that both those arguments are flawed, and yet, both feel so valid.

The whole drive home I was arguing with myself if I was going to get ice cream. If I wasn’t going to get it did I want to stop somewhere else and pick up something ready made to eat for dinner? Did I want to just grab the McFlurry and be done with it? Did I want to make something to eat at home? Or should I just not eat?

Don’t you love how I go from eating ice cream to eating nothing, like middle options don’t count or something.

In the end I went home, with the fairly solid plan of not eating because I was definitely over my calories for the day so my body doesn’t need any more food in it. If it is hungry from practice, which it shouldn’t be, then it can feed itself from the food I already put in it.

After my shower though I remembered a talk with my one-on-one counsellor and how we talked about post-workout nutrition and how it is important.

Ugh. Sometimes I hate when those talks pop back up in my head because they make it harder to convince myself restricting is the right choice and some days I really want to restrict because oh my god all the food in me from earlier!! Ack! But, I know he is right, and I am wrong, so I remembered what we talked about. I remembered about fueling my body, and taking care of it, and how if I don’t give it what it needs post-workout than tomorrow will be harder, and my workout tomorrow will be harder, and I’ll be more prone to injury and exhaustion, and well, I kept remembering a lot of stuff.

Eventually all that remembering kicked my ass in to gear and I made something to eat. And not even my normal food, which would have been a protein smoothie bowl or an egg with some toast.

Nope. I went out of my comfort zone by so freakin much. I have no idea why, it just felt like the night to try…to be honest I think because I still felt like such a screw up from my earlier binge that I figured if I’m gonna eat something higher calorie than my normal post practice meal I might as well go completely off plan. So, not the best reasoning for why to try something new but whatever.

I cooked a beef burger patty, and topped it with cheese, because oh yeah, apparently I eat cheese sometimes now! How the fuck did that happen?!  (I’m gonna get so fat…no! no, in moderation it might be ok…right?) Aaaaaand I made these things, I don’t know what to call them, they are like tater tots but made of broccoli and cheese.

I bought them I don’t even know how long ago and they have been in my freezer ever since. I’ve been too scared to try them because (1) what if I don’t like them and I’m stuck with them or (2) even worse, what if I like them and eat them too often, or too many at a time, and do I really want to risk having yet one more food that I know about, and like, that I have to put on my “not allowed” list, cause you know that is where most foods end up. sigh.

Food stuff is so hard.

So yeah, the package said 6 was a serving, so I cooked 6 of them.

That means I ate a burger patty with some cheese melted on top and 6 broccoli & cheese tot things.

Can that be any farther from something I am comfortable eating?

And omg, later I ate 10 crackers so I got my freakin grain component.

What has come over me…

Oh, and one last thing for the day, our drop-in group on Monday is cancelled cause of the holiday so I actually reached out to the friends I made in group that I hang with sometimes and asked if any of them would be interested in chilling that day, sort of our own group thing, so we don’t miss that Monday connection we usually have. And two of them have said yes! I thought for sure they’d be all “omg do we not see enough of you already, back the fuck off woman!” but no, they actually seem happy with the idea. Not everyone has responded yet so some of them may be all “back the fuck off”, but not all of them are…I’m assuming it is more the need to stick to routine and take care of their own recovery than any actual desire to hang out with me but that’s ok, shrug, I can deal with that.

I’m trying to tally the day, in a recovery positive way, and here is what I have:

Bad Shit:

I had a binge

Good Shit:

I stopped the binge before it got even worse than it was.

I didn’t take any pills etc. to purge after the binge.

I didn’t bail on my practice and avoid humanity because of my binge.

I initially restricted after the binge due to being sooooo full but after practice I made and cooked a meal.

The meal I cooked had all 4 food groups, contained red meat (something I never eat), contained a completely new to me food, had cheese, and I willingly ate a serving of carbs.

I didn’t purge the dinner I made.

I reached out to friends to make arrangements to help us all have support on a day when I knew we would be lacking it.

So, it would seem the Good tally is winning, wouldn’t you say?

Now, I will be the first to admit I could be very wrong here. Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten the post practice dinner because of how much I consumed earlier. I don’t know all the new rules, and I get confused a lot about what to do, what is the right decision, and I most likely made the wrong one here. But even if it is wrong, I made a decision, and I stuck with it, no matter what the consequences were. And at the end of the day I guess that is the best I can do.

(I feel I should point out I wrote that last paragraph like it is no big deal but I was freaking out. Totally and absolutely freaking out about having eaten that dinner, having the food in my tummy, taking in even more calories. I have been doing so well lately with not eating too much and Thursday totally blew that out of the water. So ya know, panic, in spades. But I still didn’t go for the pills, or for a late night run, instead I drank some water and went to bed. Please let that be a sign of progress cause if it isn’t then this internal drama sooooo isn’t worth it! Just sayin’)

Stupid Decisions

Today I am exhausted. I didn’t sleep well, I’m stressing about a bunch of things, and there is that whole little thing of not eating enough. Combined, those three things, plus a bunch of other things I’m probably not even aware of, have left me exhausted.

Unfortunately for me Mondays are a busy day for me. I work 7am-2pm, then speed to my group that runs from 3pm-5pm, then have an hour break before my 6pm group that ends at 7pm then I speed to practice where I am an hour late and coach makes sure I am aware what an inconvenience it is that I show up late on Mondays.

Yeah, Mondays kinda suck.

They suck more when I am tired.

I’ve been working on limiting my workouts to a more normal number, which isn’t easy cause coach is pushing us to workout even more, and harder. And I get that, she wants us in shape, but holy fuck from practices and selected by her workouts alone that is 7 workouts a week and that isn’t including the workouts we are responsible for on our own. In total she’d have me working out 12 times a week.

I get tired just thinking about it.

Part of me wants to rise to the challenge, push myself to do it, show myself, and her, and everyone, that I am strong enough, dedicated enough, capable enough, to do this.

Part of me knows I’ll burn out.

So today I didn’t want to go to practice. It was pouring rain, cold, windy, I was tired, hadn’t really eaten all that much for the last couple weeks or so, I was already struggling to function, I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to survive at practice.

I did a thing I rarely do, I texted I wasn’t coming to practice.

I hate myself for doing it even while acknowledging I would not have survived practice. Well, ok, that is being dramatic, I would have survived but I wouldn’t have performed well, and it would have taken so much out of me I wouldn’t have been able to function afterwards. Which might have been ok except I have an early morning work meeting tomorrow and a photo shoot this coming Thursday that I can’t be sick or wiped for. Photoshop can only do so much ya know?

The very rare times I don’t go to practice I also restrict my eating, obviously. I mean, if I’m not going to work out then I can’t eat anything.

I didn’t do that.

I picked up something to eat on the way home from group because I knew I didn’t have the energy to cook anything and I was so cold and so desperately wanted something warm.

When I got home I ate. I ate an amount of food that to me is so large I don’t know how my stomach fit it all, but to a normal person was a normal amount. And what was weird was even after I was done, and I didn’t feel hungry anymore, if anything I felt overly stuffed and in pain and sickly, I wanted to keep eating. Not from hunger. Not even from emotional distress (I don’t think), but because it is habit. If I eat the amount that I ate then I must be about to binge because I never eat that much in one sitting, so it is like my body was prepped and wondering why I wasn’t still stuffing my face. Also, I was still cold, and I think I partially wanted to keep eating because of being cold. Which doesn’t actually make sense, but it is how I felt at the time so I’m going with it.

I didn’t eat anything else. I did have over the course of the rest of the evening three cups of tea, which did nothing to help the sickly gross feeling in my stomach.

I didn’t take any of my supplements, or diet pills, or laxatives, and that is bothering me. The least I should have done was taken pills to get this food out of me faster, but they all make me bloat, sometimes for days, and like I already said, I have a photo shoot on Thursday and I can’t do that bloated.

So I’m sitting here, hours after I ate all that food, laundry finally done, yawning, I should be headed to the shower and then bed, but all I can do is focus on how my stomach feels. I am scared to shower because I will see how distended my stomach is from having food in it. I am also so tired that I am too tired to get ready for bed. Does that happen to anyone else or just me? I have been known to have a nap on my living room chair in order to get enough energy together to get up and go to bed. Somehow I feel that isn’t quite normal…

I’m mad at myself for skipping practice. I’m mad at myself for eating when I didn’t go to practice. I’m mad at myself for not taking any pills after eating to mitigate the damage from eating. And above all that anger is the super focused power of my brain constantly reminding me of how my stomach feels.

Seriously, how do non eating disordered people eat like this? It’s disgusting.

What’s really fucked up is if I told this to my group, or my one on one counsellor, or any of the people at recovery, they’d probably say not going to practice and eating dinner are signs of recovery or some stupid thing. But all those actions accomplished for me was to make me feel weak and lacking in willpower.

I feel like recovery should have a tag line:

Recovery, where every decision you make will feel wrong and you’ll wonder if you’ll ever not feel like a weak idiot!

MIA

My boobs are shrinking.

Apologies, that wasn’t a very grown-up way of writing that, let’s try again…

My breasts appear to be shrinking. Again. At this rate they will disappear altogether!

Why oh why can’t the fat from oh I don’t know, my stomach, or back, or thighs, or ass, go first? Whyyyyy the boobs?

Its just not fair I tell ya!

I’ve been working out more, and my workouts focus mostly on cardio, back, shoulders, and arms. As a result I have decent definition in my arms and shoulders. My back needs work, lots of work, and my cardio endurance is slowly getting better. However, none of that working out is translating into a slimmer, better looking me.

My chest is bonier, which wasn’t planned but I’m fine with, but my boobs are disappearing, which I’m not all that ok with to be honest. I mean, if you tell me to get them back I have to start eating again then I’ll just deal with them being smaller, but it would be nice if all that work on my pecs translated in to perkier boobs, not disappearing ones. *rolls eyes*

When I was getting dressed for work today I swear I saw myself get fatter in the mirror as I was seeing if my outfit was ok.

I wish I was exaggerating with that but I swear, as I took a look at my body from the side I’m positive my abdominal and ass area got thicker.

Is that even possible? I don’t think it is, except I experienced it…I had already changed my outfit three times and didn’t have time to change again so I had to go to work in what I was wearing and I felt ginormous. Like the fattest of all the fat people. And yet two people complimented how I looked and my figure. Don’t they see how disgusting and fat I am? How I still have so much work to do to look even halfway decent? How I am obviously a person with no willpower who eats too much?

I hate what I look like. I hate how I feel in my own body. I hate this. This fucked up, can’t even tell what I look like in an outfit, way of being.

I hate that I am so mad and upset about other things and the only way I know how to express my level of upset is by taking it out on my own body.

I’ve started taking my diet pills and supplements again, I just bought some new ones cause why the fuck not? I’ve been restricting, and not my regular levels of under eating but actual restricting. I’ve been scalding myself but have so far managed to not outright burn myself. I’ve been taking part in activities that cause me body pain and low levels of harm because again, why not? I’ve already decided to pull out of a couple different social functions that I said I’d go to and not say yes to anything new that pops up, because who needs people? And to pull back from my recovery program, because why have a support system?

In all ways I can fuck with myself I am, and while part of me doesn’t really care, part of me is reveling in the pain and harm I am bringing upon myself, because I deserve it. I deserve the pain, the depression, the total and complete belief that I am alone and unworthy of anything else.

Self-destruction is my only way of dealing with things, and it is something I do well. I guess my boobs are just the first casualty of this newest battle.

A Win That Feels Like A Loss

Today is a day I had practice (for my sport) and I’ve been working really hard on remembering to eat an hour an a half (or so) prior to heading out to practice so my body is properly fueled for the activity I am about to make it take part in.

I never used to do that, it is kind of a new deal for me, and not one that comes naturally. I’m trying it with all activity, whether it is the gym, practice, a hike, whatever.

The only thing I had to do out of the apartment today was practice so I let myself sleep in. When I woke up the first time all I was aware of was how everything hurt. My muscles were really feeling the work out I gave them the night before at the gym and oh man the pain. I mean yeah ok, it is a good pain, but it is still pain, ya know?

I rolled over and went back to sleep, then repeated the whole wake-up, roll over, snooze a bit longer deal at least twice more. Partly that was because I like to sleep but I don’t do it very well at night so if I have a day where I can sleep in and catch up a bit I like to. It is also a left over habit where I sleep through as many meals as I can, thereby limiting how much food I have to take in during the day. I hate days where I am up early and don’t get to bed till late, I can restrict during those days, and if you were to look at how many calories I take in on those days I probably still technically fall on the side of restricting, but I eat more on those days than I am comfortable with and I fully blame that on being up so early and having such a long day…that and my lack of willpower, sigh.

Back to today! I ate for the first time at 2pm and oh man, I so didn’t want to. I didn’t feel hungry. I didn’t want to eat. I just wanted to drink some tea and do nothing but another thing I try to do is if I have a day where I have loads of time then instead of a super fast / quick to make meal as my first meal I will actually cook something. I thought I might be hungry by the time I finished cooking, which was the only reason I cooked anything, but I wasn’t. I was however left with a plateful of food and a real anger at myself that I was going to waste the food and the money I spent buying the food, so I started eating. I didn’t think I’d finish what I made (I made too much) but I did, and I immediately felt guilty for eating when I hadn’t felt hungry, and well, a whole bunch of other things, but I don’t wanna bore you with my internal monologue, just know it ain’t pretty. *rolls eyes*

Something I am trying to count as a win from that meal was I prepped too many fillings for the omelette I made and instead of throwing them out I put them in a little dish and ate them as a side dish to my omelette. Kind of weird, but ok, I guess…So, does that count as a win because I didn’t throw out the food or a loss because it contributed to me eating too much?

How do people figure these things out??

I realized when I was getting ready for practice I had screwed myself by eating at 2pm because practice is at 7pm so I needed to eat something around 5:30pm (I have to leave by 6pm) and if you think I was at all hungry then you are delusional. There was nooooo room in my tummy for another meal, and I didn’t want a snack, so I decided my 2pm meal would see me through practice. To give you a clear picture, that would mean that meal would be fueling me through a two hour outdoor high intensity practice and I wouldn’t be home and in a position to eat anything until 10:30pm or so.

I suppose that is expecting a lot from that meal?…but to me it seems an ok choice.

When I went to leave for practice though I discovered it was pouring rain and my outdoor two hour intensive practice now got raised a level because I’d be doing everything in the cold, pouring rain. Just. Freakin. Great.

So I remembered what my counsellor said about food being fuel, which got me thinking of food as the source needed to fuel a fire, and me needing fuel to fire up my energy levels for practice, and next thing you know I am eating a protein bar while driving to practice.

I know that chain of thoughts makes no sense, but it does to me.

I thought, if I ate the protein bar, it would help me stay warm and be able to power through practice. And since I am cold all the time, especially on the water, anything that might help my body stay a little bit warmer is something I am willing to consider.

There was some definite negative feelings about eating that protein bar, but I just kept focusing on it being a tool to help me be my best at practice, and eventually I was at practice and too busy working hard to think about it anymore.

After I got home and showered, I was once again trying to figure out what to do about food. I didn’t feel hungry, I didn’t want anything, but even I know that what I ate during the day would not be considered enough with the activity I did, so I made something high in protein to eat. I was going to make a simple protein shake but instead made actual food, well, to be honest, I heated up actual food that was left over from earlier in the week.

When I first decided to write this post I was going to write about how I ate the protein bar on the way to practice and I think that is a win. But when I look at my day overall I feel whatever small wins I managed barely count, especially when I feel so badly about them and don’t know if I consider them a win or a loss.

It isn’t fair that a win can feel like a loss, though that does seem to be the nature of recovery. You have a win by doing something your eating disorder doesn’t want you to do, but you feel like it is a loss because you failed your eating disorder, and if you are me, you worry that if you get too far away from your eating disorder you’ll be left with nothing. Because I am nothing, and if I don’t have my behaviours to focus on than what do I have?

And wow, that got kinda deep all of a sudden.