I know in recovery we aren’t supposed to focus on numbers.
No calories, no hopping on a scale, no tracking of workouts (if you’re even allowed to work out!), basically, if there is a number attached to what you want to do, it’s a no-go.
Lately I’ve been breaking all the number rules, and I’m finding a lot of comfort in that.
I started tracking my calories again, and fyi, was horrified at how much I’m eating. It’s no wonder I’m feeling fatter and my clothes are tighter.
Then I stepped on the scale, silently (and not so silently) begging the universe to not let the number be too high. It was seven pounds up from the last time I weighed myself. Seven fucking pounds!!
Kinda proved all the doctor’s talk about how eating more won’t make me gain weight is bullshit.
During all this I started kind of tracking my workouts. I already keep track of weight lifting info (weight, rep, set, basic stuff) because that’s just common gym sense. But now I’m also keeping a better record of my cardio, my hikes, my steps, all my fitness stuff. I’m not trying to keep a record of how many calories I burn or anything, granted my FitBit kinda does that for me, I’m just trying to make sure I have more active days than non-active.
Tonight as I was tidying up a dirty dish I realized having the numbers known and tracked was comforting. I was feeling better about my eating, I had less stress and guilt about what I had eaten that day. And if I started to stress I could go back to my food log and see that no, I hadn’t fucked up, everything was ok.
So now I’m conflicted. I know I’m not supposed to look at the numbers but for me they are making me feel better. The numbers gave me permission to eat today, if I hadn’t tracked my food today I wouldn’t have had an after work snack, even though I was hungry, because I would’ve thought I’d eaten too much to be allowed something more to eat. Instead, I had a snack, and don’t feel guilty about having eaten it! That’s gotta count for something, right?