Not A Good Sign

I think I am failing at recovery. Not intentionally, but regardless of if it is on purpose or not, I think I am failing.

Fuck.

Today I felt like I spent the whole day at my recovery program’s offices. First I had a meeting with my nutritionist. Then I had Meal Support group. Then I had book club…which I was deluded into thinking would be fun because I like to read but is still somehow turned in to a freakin therapy session! *rolls eyes*

So yeah, ok, my meeting with my nutritionist had some unsettling sentences being said, by her, which makes me think I need to be less honest about how things are with me cause, um, yeah, not good.

She said she is going to talk with my case worker about me and some things I have said and about potentially a new approach. I feel like I am in trouble and being tattled on. 😦

She also said perhaps I need more support than what I am getting now in getting out of my eating habits and adopting new ones and I should consider inpatient treatment at the hospital.

What the fuck?

First off, I am not under weight, sure I am losing but I am nowhere near under weight so no fucken way do I need inpatient. Second, I have a life, a job, a cat, rent to pay, shit to do, not like I can magically disappear from the world and go inpatient. Thirdly, no. Just no. I hate doctors. I hate medical stuff. It is bad enough when I have to go get blood work done, or have some other reason where I need to see a doctor, but going and being in a hospital 24/7? Nuh-uh. Not happenin.

So yeah, not the most pleasant of convos.

She goes on vacation for three weeks so our plan (I say “our” but it is actually hers) is that while she is gone I will focus on breakfast. Usually I put off eating as long as possible when I wake up but now I am supposed to eat within 1.5 hours of waking up, and it is supposed to be a healthy balanced all the food groups kind of meal. *rolls eyes* Then, when she returns she is going to put me on a meal plan. It will apparently be tailored to my height, weight, age, etc. She won’t tell me how many calories it will be. She also says I am not to track or tally the calories myself. I am supposed to blindly believe what she gives me will be ok. Cuz ya know, blind leaps of faith are things I am oh so good at.

After meeting with her I had Meal Support, which is also led by her. You sit, with others, and eat a meal that has all the food groups. You are supposed to eat the food within 20-30 minutes and after eating everyone plays a game to keep us distracted. I am the slowest eater ever, and couldn’t finish in time. I started to put my sliced apple away because everyone else was done and I didn’t want to hold up the start of the game playing but I got called out on that and was told I had to keep eating the apple while we all played the game. In one sitting I ate a strawberry greek yoghurt, an apple, and half a wrap with 1/4 of a chicken breast, spinach, carrots, cabbage, and bbq sauce in it. That is a LOT of food. Way more than I usually eat in one sitting. When I was done I thought I was ok, the game had kept me distracted from noticing how full I felt, I didn’t have a breakdown or anything, all was ok. Then I left to go buy a tea before my next group and as soon as I wasn’t distracted all I could notice was how full my stomach felt. It was so incredibly unpleasant. Ugh. I think if I do that group again I’ll go for a walk (or a jog) instead of going to buy tea, help get rid of that feeling.

I guess that group wasn’t a complete fail since I managed to eat all that food, even if it did take me longer than the time limit. But it was probably a fail in that I didn’t eat again for a really long time, and when I did eat it was something small and not calorie dense because I felt I had to make up for eating all that food earlier…

Then book club. We are reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown and I’m not really liking it. I am not a self-help book reader by any means, and this one is so, just, ugh. I don’t have words for it. I don’t connect with this book at all! In book club we talk about the chapters we were assigned to read that week, what if any connection we felt with what we had read etc, then we get a 5 minute break before we do some sort of project. This weeks project we were given a large piece of paper and told to draw a shape on it that symbolizes vulnerability to us. Then we went through a bunch of magazines to find pictures, or words, or whatever, of things that make us feel vulnerable and we had to put them inside the shape we drew. Then we had to find pictures, or words, or whatever, of things that allow us to be vulnerable and put those outside the shape. Then we had to describe the whole thing to the group. You may be laughing but you go try it, it’s harder than you think! Normally I really struggle with things like this but this week I managed to create something that seemed to impress the two people running the group. I think it was because I needed the distraction from how my stomach was feeling and the knowledge I ate all that food and the activity helped with that.

So yeah, that was my day in recovery and I think overall I didn’t do all that well. I got told inpatient might be the way to go and am being tattled on to my case worker. I ate a shit tonne of food. I didn’t handle eating all that food properly. Then I used the project in book club to distract myself from how I was feeling.

This recovery thing sure can suck, sigh.

too fat

Meal Support

One of the weekly groups that my recovery program offers is Meal Support. Basically, you take in a well balanced meal, eat it within 20 minutes in a room with other people, then you have to hang out for a while (I can’t remember how long) playing a game or working on a puzzle or some other lame activity that is supposed to keep you occupied.

When I was first told of it I dismissed it out of hand. I am fat, obviously I don’t have a problem with eating, so why go sit in a room with other people and eat? I don’t need that kind of help.

The next time I was told of it I asked some questions, then said nope. It doesn’t sound like a thing I need.

And the trend continued.

Then the other week my nutritionist called to reschedule a meeting with her I had cancelled and mentioned that our meeting would end just in time for me to go to Meal Support. I scoffed, said no thanks. She said it would be a good way to challenge myself, and to think about it.

That irritated me. Challenge myself? Am I not already doing that? Well, okay, maybe I’m not challenging myself all that much since I still engage in pretty much all of my restricting behaviours but whatever, that is besides the point.

So I went back and forth on if I would go or not.

Then a friend said something to me that needs a whole post of its own to get in to but really rubbed me the wrong way. What she said, combined with the whole “challenge yourself” thing left me thinking I am not trying hard enough, not doing enough, not working at recovery as much as I should be, so I decided fuck it, I will go to Meal Support.

At one time, when I thought about it, before I decided no, I thought maybe somewhere in the future I would go, but I’m not ready for it right now. I still don’t think I am ready for it…

I had drop-in group last night and one of the two people who run that session is one of the people that run Meal Support so I spoke to her about what exactly I am expected to bring to eat.

I am supposed to bring something from every food group. I am not allowed to bring anything “diet” and I am not allowed to have a salad as my main food component. She suggested I bring a sandwich, a fruit, a yogurt, oh and that the sandwich have protein in it.

That is a fuck lot of food to eat in one sitting.

I asked if my yogurt counted as dairy and fruit since it is a strawberry yogurt…she said no. sigh. It only counts as dairy.

Now I don’t know what to do. I can’t eat that much food in one sitting, let alone in 20 minutes. And it didn’t dawn on me until the other day that I do everything possible to avoid eating in front of other people. Plus, when I do eat, the only way I manage it is to be watching tv or be on social media, I need constant distraction to eat, and I don’t think I will get that tomorrow.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to wimp out and not go. I don’t want to go and have to eat all that food in front of people. I don’t want to fail at yet another part of recovery. I don’t want to ruin my restricting streak by eating all those foods in one day.

I’ve been so good with my restricting lately, I’ve dropped another couple pounds. I can see individual ribs now and I don’t want to lose that. Don’t think I am skinny or something, I am losing weight weird so my tummy, hips and thighs are still disgustingly huge. But some parts of me are getting smaller, mostly around my rib area, and my arms, and my boobs, sigh. Why the boobs? Whyyyyy? 😉

So yeah, I am stressing about this right now, wondering what to do tomorrow, what is going to happen, what will it be like, stuff like that…I am not enjoying this sensation, this butterflies in my tummy, trouble breathing, super nervous, sensation.

I don’t want to go to Meal Support.

But you know that saying:

Feel the fear, and do the thing anyways.

Maybe the fear I am feeling is not fear because of danger and it is keeping me safe. Maybe it is fear that I should fight against and I’ll come out stronger on the other side.

Although, right now, it feels like overwhelming fear that has me panicked and wanting to hide and wondering if I will survive tomorrow, because right now I feel like tomorrow is gonna kill me.

To The Bone

Have you seen the Netflix movie “To the Bone”? I’ve been waiting for it to come out ever since I heard about it which was hmm, maybe a month or so ago? I’ve been so impatient for it and finally, tonight after work, I got to watch it.

I loved it.

It isn’t perfect, what movie is? But even with it’s flaws I loved it.

I won’t go in to a full on review of the movie, mostly because I suck at giving movie reviews without also giving away what happens in the movie and I don’t want to ruin it for anybody who hasn’t seen it yet. But if you haven’t seen it, go watch it, it is totally worth your time.

The acting was so well done, the character arc well written, the emotion real. I liked that they had people who all looked different, showing that not all people with eating disorders look like the stereotypical anorexic. I like that they don’t pinpoint the reason for anybody’s eating disorder as being caused by one thing. I like that it seemed real, and I felt like I had things in common with the characters. Sure there wasn’t one specific character that I was all “that’s me! that’s what I do!” but I could see myself in bits and pieces of all of them. I liked that they showed recovery as a struggle, mentioned that it takes a long fucking time, that it isn’t as easy as “just eat something already”.

I can totally see this movie becoming one I watch over and over again.

ToTheBonePoster

3 Days

For three days in a row I lost 0.5 lbs a day! 🙂  That’s 1.5 lbs in three days!

I know other people lose faster but for me that is freakin amazing! I weighed myself Friday and Saturday before work, those days I worked the late shift so I had slept in (ensuring I didn’t have to eat or realize I was skipping breakfast), had a quick step on the scale before getting ready for work, and was quite happy with where the number was going. I wasn’t going to weigh myself Sunday as I worked the early morning shift and I don’t like weighing myself at different times of the day – these things matter ok? For some reason I decided I would hop on the scale “just to see how it differs at 5:30am vs 12:30pm” and holy fuck I was down another half a pound.

Three days in a row!

I was practically beaming with pride.

What is annoying is there is nobody to tell and celebrate with. Nobody else would think this is a good thing, although I am over the moon happy about it.

I didn’t weigh myself today, I worked the early morning shift again and slept in so I didn’t have time to strip, pee, weigh myself, either celebrate with a happy dance or stare at myself in the mirror and criticize myself (if I had gone up), so I skipped the scale today.

I’m thinking I probably should have taken the time to weigh myself because today after work, and after my after work exercise, I ended up buying two different types of ice cream and ordering a burger and fries from a restaurant that has amazing burgers, sigh.

I ate the burger, the fries, and one Drumstick ice cream and holy fuck my stomach is so messed up now. It has been almost 6 hours since I ate the food and I can still feel it in my stomach! Why isn’t it going anywhere?? It is this lump of food, it is painful, my stomach is actually rounder (food baby anyone? ugh), I am so uncomfortable – and not just “omg I ate something my brain is panicking” uncomfortable, you know, the kind that is all a mental game that you can try to distract yourself from. Nope, this is actual physical discomfort that is making me feel sick, but not throwing up sick, just so not well in my stomach. I don’t have the words to describe how it feels, its just bad ok? It feels bad.

So all that happiness, that pride, that yay I am doing so well at losing weight and being so good with my restricting has come to an abrupt end. A brutal, fast, calorie dense, end.

Sigh.

Why do I always have to fuck up like this?

To top it off I cancelled my appointment with my nutritionist for this week, and tomorrow I will be calling to cancel my being at group session this week. In my defense this isn’t a random decision, I got offered a 12 hour work day for that day and I really need the money so I would have cancelled a visit with the Pope in order to take the work. It does suck that I’m cancelling two recovery related things though…except, does it suck? It should suck. If this was two weeks ago I’d probably be bummed, hell, I might have convinced myself to not take the work, but it’s been a little while since I’ve had a one-on-one cause of scheduling and I barely said two words in group last week so it was almost like not being there, and well, I’ve sorta distanced myself emotionally from the whole process.

I’m debating staying in the recovery program. I don’t know that it is for me. I think I was becoming too reliant on having people that I saw on a regular basis when really, I need to learn how to stand on my own, how to cope with stuff by myself. I think I’ve gotten a bit better, I don’t binge nearly as much now, and that is what I wanted help with. My restricting has become the more prominent behaviour which is helping me lose weight and that was the end goal I wanted – not necessarily to be restricting more but to be binge eating less so I’d lose the weight I put on from binge eating.

And wow this got off track lol this was supposed to be about how I was so excited that I lost half a pound a day for three days in a row – and I would still be happy about that, if I didn’t have a burger and fries and ice cream sitting in my stomach slowly trying to kill me. Ugh.

Does anybody know if slow digestion of a large quantity of food after restricting for a while is normal? I think I heard somewhere the digestion process slows down or something? I swear I can already see the fat from the food making my body fatter, not just my stomach but everywhere. 😦  Thank goodness I have a high activity, low food day, planned for tomorrow!

stop eating 2

The Scale

The scale is whack yo.

Yes, apparently I am a 90’s, white boy from suburbia who thinks he is cool today…

Ok not really.

But the scale is pretty fucked up. Or is it me?

My “official” weigh-in is Thursdays. I go to a WW meeting and stand on a scale and if I am asked by someone that week what I weigh, that number is the one I will give. I do however weigh myself at home, often.

My home scale and the WW scale don’t ever match. My home scale usually has me one pound lower than the WW scale, sometimes a pound and a half. You don’t know how fucking irritating it is to see a number on my scale at home the morning of weigh-in and then get to weigh-in and see it up by 1 to 1.5 pounds. Even though I know that increase will be partly due to my clothes, and the humidity in the weigh-in room, and that I hadn’t just right the second before stepping on that scale gone to the bathroom, it doesn’t matter. It pisses me off that my “official” weigh-in is higher than my home scale.

Anyways!

I’m getting on to a tangent, sorry…

So, I knew last Thursday my weight would be up, it wasn’t a great week for me food and exercise wise. There was way more food than there should have been and nowhere near the amount of exercise there should have been and all that results in my becoming an even fatter version of myself.

Lovely.

Two days before my official weigh-in I pulled out the metabolism boosters. I had put them in the back of a cupboard thinking I could stop using them. Apparently I was wrong.

Took some of those.

Then the day before weigh-in I stopped eating so I would be in a state of fasting when I got to the scale and I took some laxatives. I had also put those in the back of the cupboard thinking I could stop using them. You’re probably not shocked to hear I was wrong about that also.

The thing is, I know taking the laxatives isn’t a guaranteed method for helping me before a weigh-in. The box says within 6 hours of taking them I’ll be relieving myself but that timeline never pans out for me.

For me, I ended up going to weigh-in with abdominal pain, I was gassy feeling, felt bloated, and I hadn’t gone to the bathroom.

Why do I take these things?? Or at least why do I wait to take them until the day prior? I should be taking them two days prior but noooooo, I pop em the day before weigh-in, essentially screwing myself over. Ugh.

So yeah, my official weigh-in had me up. Not shocking. It had me up a lot though which was disheartening.

I tried to convince myself it was because I wore a long shirt instead of a tank top, and that the humidity was killing me, and that I hadn’t pooped yet. But really, I ate bad that past week, and I didn’t exercise as much as normal, so the gain was deserved.

Later that same day the laxatives kicked in, yay! I still had abdominal pain but the being bloated and gassy went away after some toilet visits. That evening I stepped on the scale, I normally don’t step on it in the evening cause it messes with my head, but I wanted to see if the bathroom visits had made a difference.

They had not.

In fact, I was up even more than in the morning! I started freaking out, was the scale just going to keep going up and up and up? Was all that food cementing itself in to my fat cells never to leave my body?

I came up with a panicked plan about how to fix all this damage I did by eating the previous week. Not a rational normal person plan, but a back to eating no more than 700 calories a day and popping metabolism boosters like they are candy and exercising every single day sort of plan. Soooo, not a good plan. *rolls eyes*

But hey, do I get points for realizing it wasn’t a good plan?

Probably not…sigh.

I stepped on the scale again today (Friday). The day after my official weigh-in. I don’t know what I was expecting. I mean, yeah, I under ate yesterday, but one day of under eating wasn’t going to take away all that gain on the scale. I guess I just wanted to keep an eye on things.

Well holy shit, the scale changed, and it had gone down! It showed me back at the weight I was at 2 weeks ago.

Thank all the gods!

Now to not screw up the magical loss of those pounds so I can be down on my official weigh-in day next week…

I am not sure if I should villianize the pills because yes ok, they didn’t help me on weigh-in day but ultimately I was down by the day after, so maybe if I’d taken the metabolism boosters on the Monday and the laxatives on the Tuesday I would have had the Wednesday to be gassy etc, and then I might have been down for the Thursday weigh-in?

I don’t know. I get so confused.

Either way, I was in a pretty good mood today once I saw the scale number was down. Though I’m starting to worry about tomorrow and what it will say when I step on it then…seriously, does this cycle ever fucking end?

be perfect

Do You Ever…

Yesterday I ate horribly. Not a binge, just a lot of food for one day. Waaaaaay more than I would normally eat in a day, maybe the amount I would eat over the course of two and a half days or even three…so, a lot!

I won’t list the food, just trust me when I say it was too much. Though I wonder if my counselors would think it was me showing improvement because (1) I didn’t avoid social situations and (2) I ate food like a normal person. I mean sure, on my drive home I was almost in tears because of how I felt having a tummy full of food and I kept obsessing about what I ate, and why I ate it, and why didn’t I at least only eat half, and omg just stop fucking eating already! Ya know, totally sane thoughts like that. 😉

As the evening drew to a close I consoled myself with (1) I resisted using any of my diet pills or laxatives to get the food out of me quicker and (2) I could always restrict the next day to make it up.

So today rolls around and I know I can’t restrict for the entire day, not because I’m not strong enough to resist food, but because even I have clued in that doing that would be frowned upon and definitely not considered progress. I had my standard breakfast, which took forever to eat because I really didn’t want food. It got me thinking that I could easily get out of dinner by taking a Premier Protein drink with me and lying and saying I wasn’t feeling well and just drinking that. Technically it is a meal, least, I think it counts as a meal replacement, and it would be me ingesting calories around a standard dinner time so that follows the rules, but it wouldn’t be heavy and gross and compound the damage I did the day prior.

Oh the lovely loop holes my brain can find!

In the end I ate dinner. sigh. The chef made me an incredible salad and his salads totally count as a safe meal for me because well (1) it is salad, and his are not loaded with hidden high calorie scary foods, (2) the only time I eat veggies or most fruits are at work so his salads help me get my veg allotment for the week, (3) he put a lot of time and effort in to making my dinner and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I couldn’t eat it. I am so weak sometimes, ugh.

The salad took me a super long time to eat, which is hard at work because I don’t actually get a break so I am usually eating in between doing other things, or trying to find 5 minutes to scarf something down uninterrupted. But this salad was epic, and took time because every bite was me fighting my brain. Every time I took a bite my brain was telling me why I shouldn’t, was telling me I have too much food in me from the day before, was telling me I don’t deserve this amazing dinner because of how badly I ate yesterday. My brain was telling me a lot of stuff, none of it nice, and it didn’t get any quieter the more I ate, it just got louder. Almost out of spite I ate every last bite, even the blueberries!

I’m kinda fucked if I am only eating out of spite *rolls eyes*

When I got home I realized I hadn’t entered all the food I ate today in my tracker and I have to do that because it helps me realize if I have actually been under eating (it usually tells me that) or if I ate way more than intended and need to put on the breaks. So I sat and put all my food in to the tracker and did something that I wonder if others do…I fudged the data…

Even though no one but I sees my tracker I sometimes fudge the data so that if someone were to see it they would see something that might possibly be less alarming. So say I ate 1 or 2 strawberries (they are sometimes cut up in to my salads at work), I’ll track it as 1/2 Cup Strawberries so it looks like I ate way more of them. I know when looking back which data is faked because I pretty much always fake the same stuff, but someone who isn’t me would see this tracker and think I get all my fruit, all my veg, a decent amount of protein. I don’t know if it would look normal but it would look more normal than what I actually eat.

I also fake the data not just in case someone else sees it but also to trick my brain. Tonight I remembered I hadn’t put the food in to the tracker when I was sitting in the living room and starting to feel a bit hungry. I didn’t want to eat so I put the food I already ate in to the tracker, saw how much under I was for the day, wasn’t happy because I wish I was farther under my food goals for the day, and that helped me not go to the kitchen and get a snack – the tracker showed I didn’t have enough room for more food today, I should feel more full than I actually feel right now so my stomach must be lying to me about being hungry, don’t believe the signals from my body, they are fake, believe what the app on my phone says.

Shit like that.

In case you are wondering, I have resisted eating since I put the food in to the tracker. Even though I know what I put in is exaggerations of what I actually ate and I probably do have room to have a snack of some sort, I won’t eat because of what the tracker says. I don’t know if that makes sense but it makes sense to me…I also resisted making more tea or even getting a glass of water because I have felt all day like I should be cutting back on my fluids, dehydrating a bit, because lately I have been taking in more water and that has to stop…why that has to stop I am not exactly sure but I just keep feeling like it has to stop…which the rational part of my brain says isn’t a good idea because it is fucking hot out where I am but since when did being rational play a part in this? *rolls eyes*

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Keeping Space

I think of myself as someone who is fairly self-sufficient. I don’t cry on my friend’s shoulders, I don’t go running to a family member when things are hard, I don’t lean on anyone other than myself when I am struggling. Personally, I think this is best. I think if you can’t handle things on your own than you are weak and should toughen up. It’s fine to talk a situation over with someone once you’ve dealt with it and can talk rationally and reasonably, but when in the throes of something big and emotional and messy, well, to me, alone is best.

Which makes the realization that I have come to depend on and even slightly look forward to my weekly group sessions a daunting one.

My recovery program is mostly group based sessions. They run on 8 week cycles. So for 8 weeks you are in a session about say, Building Self Compassion (that was my most recent one). You have once a week group meetings and you are limited to how many you are allowed to miss. On top of that weekly session there are three drop-in sessions you can pick from (meal support, meditation, weekly support). You don’t have to go to those drop-ins but you can, and they say the more you go to the better you do in your recovery. When the 8 week session is done you have a month or so where you only go to the drop-ins, and you are required to attend at least 2 in the month. Then a new 8 week session starts. This just keeps repeating.

So, every week, no matter where you are in the program, you should be attending at least one of the group sessions. At first I found this annoying, time consuming, even pointless. After a while I found it stressful, highly awkward for my schedule, and still pointless. Then at some point, some of the stuff I was being told started to sink in and I realized maybe it isn’t as pointless as I thought. I still found it occasionally annoying, and stressful, and it is legit time consuming and really messes with my schedule, but I try to look at it as one of those things that is important and therefore worthy of any interruptions it makes to my life.

I also sorta think of it as my punishment. If I wasn’t so fucked up I wouldn’t be having to deal with all this and I could be out enjoying life uninterrupted like my friends are.

My work shift was swapped for today so I had to miss the drop-in group support that is held on Mondays. My 8 week session just ended so I’ve just started the drop-ins which means I have no mandatory weekly group session this week. I don’t attend the other sessions, the meditation and food support groups, for reasons I won’t go in to here, which means until next week I won’t see anyone. Except I won’t see anyone next week either because the Monday is a stat holiday so they will be closed. So it’ll be three weeks before I see anyone and that is kinda freaking me out.

Before I’m pretty sure I would have looked at this as a boon, a freak scheduling mishap that brought about some alone time from the doctors and group sessions and delving in to why I think and feel things. But this week I actually tried to get my shift covered and was going to call in sick all so I could go to group this evening.

I’m kinda struggling and I need support and I wanted to go to group to get some support, to not feel so alone, but I couldn’t go and now I feel even more alone than before, and scared because I don’t know what I might do over the next two weeks, and confused because multiple things have happened over the past week I wanted to talk to someone about and now I won’t ever get to talk about those situations and I need advice on some stuff and need to know just how bad I screwed up when dealing with things but well, now I’ll never know because not like I can bring it up 2 weeks from now, it’ll all be old news.

I haven’t changed a lot of my ED behaviour, in fact, someone looking from the outside might say I have changed nothing. I am still eating my safe foods to the almost exclusion of everything else. I am still under eating daily, unless I have a binge day. I am still working out harder than I should. I am still feeling guilt and shame when I eat. But my thoughts have changed a little bit, honest! I sometimes think about eating other foods, I might not do it yet but before I wouldn’t have even thought it. I have eaten when normally I wouldn’t have because I felt hunger or because I realized it had been a long time since I had eaten so I probably should eat. Before I would have decided to keep fasting because why not? I’ve started drinking more water so I’m not always dehydrated. I may not eat the amount of food I am supposed to but I am eating more than I used to, well ok, not every day, but some days, and for me that is a big deal. And something huge for me, I gained a pound over the weekend and I didn’t go in to full blown panic and fast starting last night and continuing on until at least the end of day tomorrow. In fact, today I drank a ton of water, I ate two meals, and I had a snack! I’m working on not feeling guilty about all that food, not quite there yet but hey, I’m a work in progress.

My worry though, is I have things that happened that raised questions, questions I need answers to, and I have no one to answer them. I feel like without those answers I can’t properly move forward because what if I am doing something wrong, what if I made the wrong choice and continue to make wrong choices from here on out, what if I am fucking this up.

I don’t even know what the “what” I might be fucking up is. Is it my weight loss, my recovery, my eating disorder…I just don’t know…

I think I could schedule a one-on-one with my case manager but I don’t know for sure, and even if I could she has limited time and people with bigger problems than mine to deal with so I don’t want to bother her. Maybe I could email her…that’s something to look in to…

This post did not end up where I intended it to go lol What I was planning on writing was why the enforced separation from my group sessions might actually be a good thing for me because I have obviously become too reliant on them when dealing with stuff. I won’t be in this program forever, eventually I won’t have access to these people and groups, and I need to keep that in mind. I need to remember when I am low or struggling that in the end the one I should depend on is me, not the counselors or doctors or others in group because one day I’ll be out of the program and on my own anyways and it is important to be strong so I don’t have trouble with that transition.

Right now I am wavering with that thought though, as you might have guessed lol I think, given two weeks away from all the groups that thought will become stronger and I’ll end up taking a couple steps back recovery wise which would suck since the steps forward I have taken are so small and so few. But if I do contact my case manager what am I supposed to say? I think I’m becoming a wimp who needs someone to talk to, will you be that person for me this week? That is so not ever gonna happen.

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