Bulimia or OSFED

Last week I got my diagnosis, sort of. I am either Bulimic or have OSFED. shrug. To be honest, I don’t really care what my diagnosis is. The doc said something about a sub-type restrictive, I wasn’t paying too much attention though.

He asked at the end of our appointment if I had any questions and I said no, I always say no when asked that by anyone, and inevitably I come up with a question when it is too late to ask. sigh.

I don’t understand how I can be labelled bulimic when I don’t throw up. I thought a core component of bulimia was throwing up…isn’t it?

I guess because I use laxatives and diet pills and exercise to counter act the food I binge eat those are being counted the same as throwing up…that is my best guess anyways. I’ve always wished I could throw up whenever I wanted, it seems a much more effective way to get rid of the food I binge on but I can never seem to manage it. Actually, that is a lie, I have very rarely managed it, but I never throw up a large quantity so I’m definitely not getting everything out, which makes it seem not worth the trouble. Plus, I like my teeth and don’t want them to rot out of my jaw due to all that bile eating away at them.

So here I am, a person who restricts daily, except for when she goes bat shit crazy and binges, and when she binges she then takes loads of pills to try to rush the food through her body, and who increases her exercise to try to mitigate the damage all those calories are doing to my body.

I don’t feel better having a diagnosis…not sure if I was supposed to feel anything by having it. I’ve read how some people become so attached to their diagnosis, it becomes part of their identity, I don’t seem to be having that problem here.

Guess that just goes to show how we are all different, shrug.

Today was a food gong show and I am so not happy with myself. 😦 I was out of town (only an hour away) and was about to start the drive back but had to get gas, I was super hungry, as in that level of hunger that can’t be ignored. I wanted to ignore it because I was actually driving back in to town to attend a dinner with my team so I knew I’d be eating within an hour and a half or so, but I caved and bought some almond M&M’s.

Why do I do these things?!

I started eating them sooooo quickly while driving, it was insane.

I didn’t eat the entire bag, I managed to get a hold of myself and stop, but I’m not sure how many are left in the bag because while driving I sorta put the bag off to the side and tried to pretend it wasn’t there, then hid the bag in my glove box when I got to the restaurant, and left it there when I got home.  Maybe I only ate half the bag, maybe three-quarters, maybe all but two of them, I just don’t know.

So there I was, feeling nauseous from the influx of chocolate and almonds and I was going to dinner. Ugh. We went to a Congee restaurant and I had no choice over what was ordered, the menu was pre-picked by our coach, and when I got there I was late so everyone kept pushing food at me so I could “catch up”. In situations like this I lean heavily on picking vegetables and shrimp, I don’t touch the rice, I usually don’t touch the noodles but tonight I did, and I took some of the beef and some of the chicken. It is all served “family style” so think Asian restaurant where all the food comes on platters that are placed on a large turning platform that is in the middle of the table and you take little bits of whatever. So when I say I took “some of the beef and some of the chicken” I literally mean two bites of chicken and about 4 bites of beef.

The good side to when we go to this restaurant is because it is expected you take a little bit at a time and put it on a smaller plate you never are expected to have a full looking plate and it is super hard for people to keep track of what you ate. So if I am strategic and time things right I can get away with only eating 3 or 4 bites of food the entire dinner.

Tonight I wasn’t strategic enough and ended up with more, and when I think about how I have no idea how anything was cooked or what was in any of the sauces or marinades I shudder. I imagine I ate over 1000 calories in that meal alone and that horrifies me.

It gets worse though.

We then went for coffee or tea and donuts after the dinner. It would have been worse and been ice cream but people wanted somewhere closer so to the coffee shop we went. I ordered a tea (that part is fine), and a Tim Bit (that is a donut hole). I thought it would make me look like I was blending in while everyone else was eating their cookies or donuts but it actually made me stand out because everyone thought it was so strange I ordered one Tim Bit and they kept commenting on it and teasing me about it. It didn’t actually bother me too much because that has been my go to for years, a single Tim Bit, you get the flavour of the donut with less of the guilt or calories.

When I got home it all came crashing down on me though. The M&M’s, the dinner, the Tim Bit. How can I fix this?? I couldn’t go running because (1) I’ve got this weird, super high level pain in both my hips that isn’t getting any better and is preventing me from running, and (2) it was really late, and dark, and chilly, and not safe to go out. Instead I pulled up workouts on YouTube and did some of those. I usually scoff at home workouts but this one got me sweating and moving a lot and it made my stomach feel better, like it moved the food along a bit faster. Thank goodness!

So now it is almost 2:30am, I am tired and going to bed soon, my stomach is growling which confuses me since I ate a lot today, and my hips ache and make me feel like an old person.

Not my finest day.

I guess though, since my one and only thought after dinner was how to get rid of that food, and throwing up is not a real option for me (though I keep trying), and my workout was specifically chosen to help mitigate the damage eating did, that counts as the purging part of the bulimia diagnosis?

I dunno…and like I said earlier, I’m not so certain I care. I’m not married to the diagnosis, or even to the idea of having a diagnosis. I wonder if there is a real point for me to have it, besides doctors being able to label me I mean.

Just one more thing to ponder I suppose.

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Meal Plan

I was given a meal plan to follow, starting August 23rd.

So far I have sucked balls at following it.

I have an appointment with the nutritionist this coming Wednesday and I am dreading having to tell her I failed.

I have all these legit reasons for why it hasn’t happened yet, why I’m not following this meal plan, but I think she won’t see them as reasons, only excuses.

I couldn’t start following the meal plan the same day I got it because I didn’t have the food in my place to be able to follow it. Then I went out of town and my eating was all over the place because of being away. When I got back I had gained 1.5 pounds and I had to lose that before I could start some meal plan that had me eating more on a daily basis then I usually do. I can’t start off a meal plan when I am up on the scale, how will I ever lose that weight I gained from the weekend?

Hey now, don’t go judging my logic, it makes sense to me!

Then I was finally down on the scale but still didn’t have the right food in my place. Add to that the whole high potassium thing I’m going through. I can’t just eat what I want I have to be checking the potassium levels of everything and I gotta say, that is screwing with me.

I like spinach, spinach is high potassium, I am no longer supposed to have spinach, but I can’t just swap in some other type of lettuce where I would normally eat spinach, so now the choice is do I eat the spinach anyways and get some dark leafy greens or do I not eat any type of lettuce?

le sigh.

I’m having this issue with a bunch of foods.

So yeah, I have this meal plan, and I’m not following it.

Today was my first real attempt to follow it. I didn’t do great, but at least I sorta tried, that maybe counts for something…

I didn’t eat within 1.5 hours of getting up (that is rule number 1 from her), but I did eventually eat (which sounds stupid but isn’t). When I eventually ate something it was an actual meal, with food groups!

I had a two egg omelette with 1 tablespoon of shredded cheese inside. I topped it with 1 tablespoon of salsa (which I am trying to figure out if that counts as a veg serving…), I also had toast (that is an easy one for me), and a yoghurt (NOT an easy one for me). I was also supposed to have a fruit and a meat, but maybe the egg counts as a meat? I’m not clear on the rules…wait! I just checked, the eggs do count as meat so score for me!

I couldn’t fit a fruit it with that meal, it was too much food already, but I ate a nectarine about 3 hours later.

Then I went to work out for a couple hours.

Then the big dilemma.

When I got home from working out I didn’t want to eat. I wasn’t feeling hungry, I was feeling like any food I ingested would be taking away all the gains I got from my work out, I didn’t want my work out to be wasted because I ate after, ya know?

So I literally paced my kitchen, back and forth, back and forth, do I eat, don’t I eat, should I eat, should I not eat, I’m not hungry, I have been told my hunger signals suck and I need to eat on schedule, I already missed the scheduled time to eat so no point in eating now, eating now is better then not eating at all, I’ve eaten too much today, you haven’t eaten as much as you promised you would when you were given the meal plan, food will make me gain weight, you need to fuel your body, I don’t want to eat, it doesn’t matter what you want, I am in charge of what my body gets, you have to give your body what it needs, I don’t need more food today, yes you do, I’m not hungry, you’ll feel hungry soon and you might binge then, I could just go to bed early, you’ll sleep better if you eat something first…and so on…

Eventually I settled on something, and ended up with a meal that had, get this…food groups! And not just one!

I had a small tortilla wrap with some coleslaw (no dressing), home made turkey salad mix, and a small amount of shredded cheddar cheese.

That is grain, meat, veg, and dairy, all in one!

I ate it. I still wasn’t feeling hungry when I ate it and eating when I don’t feel hungry goes against everything I believe in doing but I said I’d try to follow the meal plan and so far I haven’t and eating this meal put me closer to following then not eating would have done.

Honestly, I still wish I hadn’t eaten anything. I’d be feeling better about myself and not paranoid that as I sit here typing that food is turning to fat and making me bigger.

But at least this way I can go to my meeting next week and say I sort of, kinda, in a way, tried to follow the plan.

Don’t Cave

I want chocolate.

Chocolate cake to be specific, but let’s be real here, I’m a binge eater (when I’m not a restrictive eater) and I’d happily take any and all chocolate I can get my hands on. And hey, if there isn’t chocolate around I’ll just take food, all the food, any food, in large quantities.

Holy fuck do I want to binge right now.

dontbingedontbingedontbingedontbingedontbingedontbingedontbingedontbinge

I do not need to binge. I ate more food today than on a normal day, but not more than a normal Sunday. Sundays are my weird day because of my schedule, I eat breakfast, lunch, and sometimes dinner. If not dinner then maybe a snack. The breakfast and lunch I eat don’t change (oatmeal for brekkie, salad with grilled chicken for lunch). Not exciting but it doesn’t send me in to a giant stress ball so I’m happy to stick with it. If I eat dinner that can change, and actually varies widely. Some weeks I go high protein, other weeks I lean towards carbs, and then other weeks I eat something stupid like ice cream. *rolls eyes* The weeks I like best are the weeks I don’t indulge in dinner.

This Sunday I had my breakfast and lunch and when I got home I made dinner. It took about two hours, no, three hours, to convince myself to make and eat something and when I did I made scrambled eggs that I split between two mini tortilla wraps, I had spread a bit of light cream cheese on the inside of the wraps. Oh, and because I am supposed to be eating from all the freakin food groups each time I eat I ate a yoghurt. Yes I know adding a yoghurt doesn’t get me all the food groups but it gets me closer to all of them and sometimes you have to take the little wins.

After I ate I wanted to immediately get up and eat more food, which sometimes happens when I eat so I know to ignore it because it’ll go away.

Tonight it didn’t go away.

All I want to do is eat. I can practically see myself eating something, ice cream, toast, cereal, pretty much anything. I can envision it all and I want it all. Lucky for me I don’t have many foods in my place so indulging in this binge craving would require I go to the store and that is soooooo not happening!

I’m hoping by saying that so firmly I don’t cave and go to the store…

I think part of my wanting to binge is because I hurt and when I’m in pain I either want to eat for comfort or I don’t want to eat cause the pain is making me feel sick. My hips have been seriously aching for days. Yesterday it was so bad I took pain meds at work because I couldn’t function. Today isn’t as bad so I’m hoping by tomorrow it will have faded away even more, but just because its faded doesn’t mean it isn’t still there and it makes me want comfort type things…like food and heating pads. I am indulging in the heating pad, but refusing the food.

Logically I know that eating won’t make the pain better, all it will do is make me feel nauseous because for sure I’ll over eat and it will make me feel guilty and hate myself. So emotional pain on top of physical pain, not a good thing to do to oneself.

Does it count as personal growth that I realize the binge won’t help and am trying to fight against it?

Something else I have noticed is that some days when I eat more than normal instead of feeling fuller for longer and not wanting food again as soon I sometimes feel hungrier sooner and feel like I need to eat more often. What’s with that? I feel that if I eat, especially if it is me eating dinner (like tonight) that should fill me up and I shouldn’t want to eat, or feel the need to eat, until at least mid-morning tomorrow but my stomach doesn’t seem to know that and gets all growly and demanding before the evening is even over.

So not cool. 😦

I’m gonna go have a shower then go to bed early, sleep through this hunger (and hip pain). Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow the urge to binge is over cause I gotta tell you, if it isn’t, I just may end up going to a bakery after work tomorrow and then I’ll really hate myself.

in the moment

Not Ready?

The other day at work one of my colleagues came up behind me, poked at my shoulder blades, and said…

“skinny minny”

I said…

“huh?”

She said…

“Skinny minny. You’re losing a lot of weight, getting skinny.”

I said…

“I’m trying” But ya know, I said it in a light hearted, chill, kind of way.

I know I should be horrified that someone did that. Or wondering about what kind of person thinks it is socially acceptable to literally touch another person’s body and comment on what it looks like. I should be upset or something…right?

Instead I am kinda proud, and happy, and I keep thinking about what she said and feeling impressed that my hard work is being noticed in what I think of as a positive way.

I can’t see my shoulder blades as easily as say, my stomach, obviously. Sure I can look over my shoulder in to a mirror or take a picture, but both those options end up having my shoulder blade area stretched or contorted to some degree. I can’t see what my shoulder blades look like on a day-to-day, going through regular circumstances, basis, and I really wish I could.

I know I lost weight there, my shoulders, shoulder blades, collar bone area, all are noticeably bony (which fyi, I love), but while I can keep an eye on my collar bone and make sure it stays bony I can’t as easily do that with my shoulder blades and I worry they will get fatter and I won’t notice right away.

So having someone poke at them and comment on them, well, I liked it.

Which makes me wonder if recovery isn’t right for me…

I don’t know that I want what recovery seems to promise. Recovery always seems to involve gaining weight, but I don’t currently need to gain weight. It seems to involve a lot of things I don’t need, or want. Some things it seems to promise I would like, I’d like my hip pain to go away, and my weird potassium levels, and the dizziness and black spots in my vision, basically I’d like a bunch of the physical problems I am having go away but I don’t want to gain weight, I still need to lose weight.

The docs at my recovery program stress that eating disorders aren’t about the food. The food is a symptom. So why can’t recovery deal with the underlying issues and leave the food alone? Why does recovery have to focus so much on the food that I am eating and the weight I am at when it isn’t supposed to be about the food?

sigh

I think maybe, in order for recovery to work, a person needs to want it more than I do, they have to be more willing to do as they are told, follow the rules, be compliant. I’m just not there. I go to all the sessions, I take my turn talking, I seem like I am doing all the right things, but outside of the building I have barely changed my eating habits. I don’t make a concentrated effort to follow the meal plan I was given, hell, I don’t even know where it is right now, and I can’t be bothered to find it because what is the point when I know I won’t actually try to follow it.

I don’t know if I should drop out of the program, tell them it isn’t for me, and give my spot to someone else. I mean, why waste their time and resources when I’m not really all that sure I need or want what they are offering? There are people out there way sicker than I who could use my spot, who actually want to get better. Wouldn’t it be better to leave the program so one of them could receive help?

I’m not sure if this is me being rational or me trying to find what sounds like a rational reason for  getting out of something…

Weight Gain

I have gained 1.5 pounds.

Don’t mock me, don’t say “it’s only 1.5 pounds”, don’t belittle that gain, please.

To me any gain is bad. A gain as large as 1.5 pounds is tantamount to failure, to derailment, to the beginning of a long lasting damage inducing binge cycle.

When I gain I go one of two ways. I either say I’ve screwed up can’t fix it now and go on a food bender that lasts anywhere from days to months and causes physical, emotional, and psychological damage. Or I go in to damage control mode and I clamp down on everything, I restrict like it is my sole focus in life (because it is), and I have nothing else on my mind but eating as little as humanly possible, while moving as much as physically possible, until I not only lose whatever I gained but lose more than that, so I have a bit of a safety net on the scale.

It is possible the weight gain is muscle, I have been back to my sports practices again, and I’ve been doing more manual labour type things at home, so maybe I gained a bit of muscle mass. But I don’t think so. I have been lax lately, having little nibbles of things I would normally never touch. Tasting foods friends bring me to try instead of saying I’ll try it later and then throwing it out. I’ve have a couple binges, some huge, some not so huge. And on top of that I’ve been vaguely trying, some of the time, to eat in way that would be more compliant to what my recovery program asks of me. My nutritionist has been on vacation so I sorta took that as an excuse to stop trying the stuff she asks me to do, but some days I kinda sorta tried, like the other day I ate three meals in one day! I mean sure, small meals, that combined didn’t get me to over 1000 calories, but still, eating that many times in one day is unheard of for me.

And that is what I blame the scale number on.

Not being more active. Not gaining muscle.

Nope. I blame it on weakened willpower. I blame it on my failure to control what goes in my mouth. I blame it on me and my inability to stay strong.

I blame me.

I am livid. Devastated. I punched a wall after I weighed myself. Then I almost cried, not from the pain of punching a wall (I am used to that), but from the pain I felt inside when I saw that number. The aching, jagged, pain, that was in my chest, radiating out to my whole body, letting me know how badly I had failed.

Is or is not my goal to lose weight?

Why yes, yes it is.

So why then have I been sabotaging myself by having nibbles of things here and there, having binges, eating more than one meal and one snack in a day?

Either I don’t want it badly enough, or I am weak and unable to resist the thing I want right now for the thing I ultimately want.

discipline

As soon as I left the bathroom after weighing myself I went in to food lock down mode.

Only very specific foods are allowed, and only in very specific combinations, and only in very specific quanities.

Today I ate 1/2 C oatmeal before work. At work I ate 1/3 C cubed beets and a turkey sandwich. That puts me at 548 calories for the day. On top of that I drank 6 cups of tea. Normally I would have had a diet coke but I ran out of time at work and my rule is the only thing I ingest after work is tea and water so alas, no diet coke for me.

I will get rid of this 1.5 pounds. And I will lose more than that to prove that I can. And I really hope I lose it before Wednesday, at the latest Thursday. I want to be more definitive about the “when” but my body has proven to me time and time again that it loses on it’s own schedule, all I can do is enforce the rules and wait till it does what I want.

I can’t gain weight, I can’t allow it, it is not a thing that is ok in my world and I will fight weight gain with every last inch of strength in my body.

I can do this. I can be strong.

stop eating 3

dont eat

More Potassium Stuff

End of July I had blood work done and it turned out I had high potassium. I was told to stop drinking my protein shake (I occasionally drink a Premier Protein, chocolate flavour) and the thought was it was probably high in potassium and may be the culprit. I doubted this as I rarely drink them, but nobody seemed to listen to me when I tried explaining how infrequently I drink them so I ended up nodding and agreeing to quitting the protein drink.

Last week I had another appointment for blood work – this was to see if the potassium level had gone down after being off the protein drink for a week.

The follow-up for this set of blood work was with my GP, not anybody from the eating disorder program. I don’t go see her often, I don’t get sick often, and I don’t care for doctors so I tend to avoid her. I have to tell her every time I see her that I am in the ED recovery program even though I’m sure it must be in the file she is reading because she skims, doesn’t read stuff, and has no idea what is going on with me.

Fine, whatever, I can deal with that.

Well today she takes a look at the most recent blood work report and says “your potassium is high”

I say “yeah I know, this is the follow-up to the first test that showed it is high”

Then she gets her panties in a twist because some other doctor is involved with sending me for blood work *rolls eyes*

She then decides that my potassium must be high because of something I am eating. If it was high because of other problems my other test results would be abnormal and they are all showing as fine.

Side note: the fact that all my other test results show things within my body are fine make me wonder if I don’t need treatment, since obviously I haven’t done damage to my body so I can’t be doing anything all that bad…right?

Anyways!

She then goes on to say I have to stop eating bananas, asparagus, and orange juice.

I told her I don’t eat, or drink, any of those things.

The convo went a bit like this..

Doc: “What do you mean you don’t drink orange juice?”

Me: “I don’t drink orange juice”, shrug, “I don’t drink any juice, too much sugar, it’s unhealthy.”

Doc: obviously not believing me “Everyone drinks juice. You don’t drink any juice?” looking at me like I’m going to change my story…

Me: “Nope, I don’t drink juice.”

Doc: “Well, hmm…you also need to stop eating bananas. And asparagus.”

Me: “I only eat asparagus once a month at most, and only in small amounts, but ok, I’ll stop. I don’t eat bananas, I stopped eating those months ago.”

Doc: “You don’t eat bananas?” gives me disbelieving look

Me: “Nope, haven’t eaten one in months.” (then I lied and said…) “It’s summer, I stopped eating bananas because I’m eating all the summer fruit.” I wave my hand around vaguely as if to indicate towards all the copious amounts of summer fruits around. When in reality I am not eating any of those either…too much sugar…

Doc: “hmm…” seems to possibly believe I might not be eating bananas because I am eating other fruits.

Doc: “Still! Your high potassium levels must be because of something you are ingesting, check everything you eat, read all nutritional labels, see how much potassium is in everything before you eat it. Don’t eat any processed foods, they are all high in potassium, and cut back on how much salt you use when cooking.”

Me: “I don’t use salt when cooking.”

Doc: “You don’t use salt, when cooking? Of course you do. There are two types on the store shelves, make sure to choose (insert specific type of sale here) instead of the other, this type is better for you. But still, don’t use too much of it, cut back, you’re using too much.”

Me: “I can’t cut back, I don’t use it. I don’t cook with it, I don’t season with it. I haven’t bough salt in years.”

Doc: looks at me like I am a lunatic

Me: “So how much potassium should I be getting in a day?”

Doc: “Not as much as other people because we need to bring your levels down and you’re eating too much of it.”

Me: “Yeah, I get that, but I don’t know how much I should be aiming for…and what is considered too high for a serving? If a serving of something has say, 50mg of potassium, should I consider that too high and not eat it, or is it only too high if it is over 100mg per serving?”

Doc: didn’t answer any of those questions, went back to talking about how I must be ingesting too much potassium and then said “google a list of foods high in potassium and don’t eat any of them”

So…she didn’t tell me how much potassium I should be trying to get in a day, and she told someone who restricts their food intake to restrict it even more…wtf.

I didn’t even know what to say, so I said nothing and left…left with a form to get more blood work done in 3 weeks so she can see if the potassium levels have gone down. Oh, and the warning that if I experience chest palpitations or chest pain to go to the ER asap because high potassium could kill me.

Greeeeeeat.

I haven’t decided if I will google the list of high potassium foods or not. I know I should, so that I know what to stay away from, but I don’t know that I should be increasing my list of unsafe foods. Even if the list contains mostly things I already don’t eat, if I think I have a medically sound reason to not eat them how will I ever manage to increase my list of safe foods? Today I’ve been checking nutritional labels for potassium and found that not all labels show potassium. I’m not sure if that means the food has so little of it they don’t put it on, or if it is because it is not required to put potassium on a nutrition label.

I have a meeting with my nutrition person from my recovery program next week so I guess I’ll just ask her all the questions and see if she knows the answers.

Doctors. *shake my head* next to useless, sigh.

The Brink of Tears

I’m fairly certain that eating two eggs (scrambled) on a hoagie bun is not an activity that is supposed to make a person almost cry.

And yet…

I feel like it has been almost an entire week of failure. I had my massive binge last Sunday, then days of physical recovery from that, then I ate half a pack of cookies a different day, then I ate some cookies and ice cream last night, then today I ate food after coming home from work.

In my world these are all massive failures, and having them all happen in one week, one right after another, is messing with my head.

I’ve got to get a handle on things over here or I’m going to end up back in the land of binges multiple times a week and I can’t handle that. I just…I just can’t.

Normally I don’t eat when I get home from work, when I work an evening shift I don’t get home until around ten at night. Once I am home I shower, do random things, make some tea, and by the time I might even be slightly thinking of food I’ve decided it is too late and I’m not going to bother. Doesn’t matter if I feel hungry or not, I don’t eat. I used to, and I found that was one of my most likely times to binge, so I cut that shit out. My body got used to the not eating after work thing and I stopped feeling hungry when I got home, something I count as a win!

But this past week I have really fucked things up. All those random extra high calorie foods has got my body thinking it wants more food and it has the nerve to send me hunger signals. Signals I am scared I might not be able to resist.

You might be thinking whats the big deal, if you feel hungry than eat. But I’m scared that I will eat things like ice cream, or other high calorie disastrous foods that I don’t let myself eat and that whatever I do eat I will eat in large quantities because heaven forbid I know and follow things like proper portion sizes.

Those, fyi, are totally valid fears.

So tonight I was in my post-work shower and couldn’t figure out what I was feeling. I wasn’t sure if I was feeling hungry or if I was feeling like I wanted to eat but for reasons other than hunger. Maybe I thought I wanted to eat but I was actually just bored, or thirsty, or upset about something…I should be careful because no point in eating if I am not actually hungry but being tricked into feeling hunger, right?

I knew that my brain kept thinking about ice cream so I promised myself that if I was going to eat it would be an egg, maybe an egg on toast (which is how I usually eat an egg), but at least the egg. It has protein. It is healthy. I am allowed one a day and I haven’t had an egg in a while. Plus, if I was legit hungry than an egg is an ok option for taking care of that hunger. If I am not actually hungry well, an egg won’t cause too much damage, least not as much as say, ice cream.

I ended up scrambling two eggs and putting them on a toasted hoagie bun. I don’t know what came over me. All those carbs. TWO eggs in one day. Ugh. Broke sooooo many rules with that meal, and yet, I ate it.

After I ate it and there was no turning back from what I did I sat there, watching a movie but hardly paying any attention to it, and I wanted to cry. I kept thinking about how last week I would never have even considered eating something once I was home from work, even if I had felt hungry I wouldn’t have eaten something, and today I caved because I thought I might be hungry. And not only did I cave I ate something that isn’t a safe meal (though I suppose it is a variation on one) and I ate a way larger portion than normal. This is on top of eating dinner at work aaaaaaaaand some oatmeal before going to work.

That is three freakin meals in one day. THREE!

Now do you see why I wanted to cry?

I feel like a failure. I have let myself down. I am so depressed and I don’t see the point anymore.

I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat, disgusting, woman. I have rolls of fat. My stomach sticks out so far it is heinous. Every part of me is swollen, and pudgy, and gross. I swear it wasn’t this bad last week. That binge started me on a free for all that has resulted in me looking noticeably fatter already. How is that possible? Why does it take so much hard work, so much dedication, so much sacrifice, to lose even one pound, but I can gain so much of that lost weight back in one stupid week.

The scale, urg, the scale. I didn’t step on it today but I stepped on it yesterday and it showed I was the same, but it has to be lying because I can see what I look like and I am definitely noticeably fatter. 😦

So I sat there, post egg on a hoagie bun, realizing that I have just pushed myself farther away from my goal by caving and eating.  Realizing that I was already noticeably fatter when I went to work today and now that I came home and ate some more food I am going to be even fatter tomorrow. Realizing that tomorrow I will step on the scale and will hate myself. Realizing that I am a failure. Realizing that I had gone so long without a binge, then I had one last Sunday and I am still dealing with the fallout from that binge. Realizing that what is the point of recovery when I’m still binge eating after all this time. Realizing that recovery may not be for everybody. Realizing I am freakin exhausted and I wish it was like it was before I realized I had a problem because I may have been engaging in just as many (or even more) bad for me behaviours but at least I was oblivious to just how much I was fucking up and could pretend what I did was normal.

This sucks. And I still want to cry. But I don’t do stuff like that so instead I’ll go try to sleep, at least when I am unconscious I am not aware of how much I hate myself.

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