I watch Star Trek. At this exact moment in time I am watching Star Trek Voyager. Shows like this make me jealous and grateful all at once, which is ridiculous.
Let me explain…
If you have never watched any version of Star Trek (1) what is wrong with you? jk! and (2) all you need to know for this post is that there are a group of individuals, from all different races and species, who work together towards a common goal. They are diverse, have their own opinions, have amazing technology and at the core of it all they are a tightly bonded group. They have each others backs no matter what. They don’t judge, they accept. They don’t toss someone out if they are sick or injured, they support them as they heal. They are family in the best sense of the word.
In real life there is almost never a situation where you know without a doubt there will be someone who has your back, someone that has unflinching loyalty to you, someone that will never let you down, someone you can be 100% honest with and know you won’t be judged.
I want that. I crave that. I used to search for that until I realized that even if I felt that way towards someone they didn’t feel it back because most people don’t seem to have the need to feel so deeply. They don’t seem to care if they have someone who would without a doubt have their back no matter the situation…maybe they don’t think they will ever be in a situation where they will need that kind of support? I have, over the course of my life, found myself in situations where I really needed that kind of support, I needed someone I could call no matter what, I needed someone I could talk to without being judged, I needed someone I could be honest to and know I could rely on them instead of having to show a false version of myself so that they would be happy and comfortable.
Is it that everybody else is just way better at me at disguising that they need this connection or do most people really not need it? Probably it is that I am too high maintenance and needy, sigh.
There is an episode of Voyager where my favourite character is suffering from clinical depression. Because it is a show that generally always solves the character’s problems within one episode she was fine by the end of it but even with that quick fix of her problem this episode resonates with me. When I watch it, and see her depressed, see her putting herself in dangerous situations in the hope she will get injured because then she will feel something, I know her, I am her, and I want to be her because when others find out she’s having trouble they band together to help her, to be there for her, to support her and help make her better.
She, with her tight knit family (comprised of friends and shipmates not blood family), can not keep her depression hidden. They notice. They are concerned. They take action when they realize something deeper is going on. They have her back. Even when at first she tries to hide that anything is wrong, even when she insists she is fine, even when she fights against the help, they are there for her. And of course, being the magic of tv, she really is fine by the end of the episode.
They notice her.
That is what makes me jealous and grateful all at once.
Jealous because some days, hell, most days, all I want is for someone to notice me. Someone to say “hey, I see you are struggling, I will help you”. I want to be in a situation, like on that starship, where people have each others backs and a change in behaviour is noticed, and when a larger situation occurs it isn’t brushed off, denials that anything is wrong are not accepted, affirmations that things are fine are ignored, and help, no matter how much it isn’t initially wanted, is given and eventually accepted.
I am grateful because nobody has ever noticed I struggle. Nobody has ever offered help. Nobody has ever insisted they will be there for me.
And how messed up is it that I am grateful for that? *rolls eyes*
I am the one who helps other people, I don’t know what I would do if someone tried to help me, I don’t know how I would respond, if I would be able to accept it, even though I want it. I wouldn’t trust it, because in my experience offers that are extended are fake, and those aren’t even serious offers of help. Loyalty is a concept people don’t seem to grasp. Having your back only lasts as long as you don’t really need to call on the person for help, as soon as you need them they are busy and can’t be there for you.
As much as I wouldn’t trust an offer of help, as much as I would hate being in an environment where I am monitored even more than I already am, I am jealous of people in those situations, jealous because they have a built in network of people there for them and I have nothing. No one. Well, except this blog.
Some days the fight against the darkness in my head is so hard I want to quit. In order to quit though, you need someone to tell, someone you can go to and say “I can’t do this anymore” and you need that person to be someone who will have your back, who will help you, who won’t judge you, who will be there for you. Who has that person? I don’t have that person.
I know that I will never go to someone and say I need help, so I am jealous of tv characters that don’t even need to ask for help, they just get it. The characters are so tight they see one of their own needs help and even when she fights against the help they keep helping until she accepts and heals. She has people who really see her, who notice she is struggling, who pull her from the abyss before she gets sucked so far down she can’t ever get out.
How is it, even with all my friends, my work mates, my life, nobody can see I struggle? Nobody sees I need help? Nobody ever pushes their way in front of me and refuses to budge until I accept they are sticking with me, and helping me, and they won’t let me shake them.
I mean yeah, I know why, I know I put on a good front, but some days I feel like I am screaming, like there is literally a person in me screaming to be let out but the fake version of me that I show the world is so tightly woven over my skin the part of me that is screaming can’t be heard by anyone. Some days though, I really need that scream to be heard, I need help, and on the days where I am at my lowest I would actually be open to help because I know I am about to go under and I can’t stop the decline. But nobody ever sees that, hears that, notices that I need help. So I slip a little further down and I wish I could be that character that has people that really see her because maybe then I would have a chance.
The below link is to the episode I am talking about, the youtube video actually has three episodes, I am talking about the first of the three…
And here is a song aptly named Invisible: