Tag Archives: depressed

New Bones

Last week I noticed that the rib bones on the top part of my chest (above my breasts) are more visible. I don’t know when exactly that happened, it isn’t an area I focus on a lot, and I never thought I was fat there before but now that I can clearly see the bones there I wonder how I didn’t notice I had extra fat there.

Was I oblivious?

I think it is more that my collarbones are fairly prominent and I’m more concerned about the extra fat on my abdominal area and thighs. Gotta prioritize ya know?

So yeah…I’ve been losing more weight, yay! and gained new bones, yay! and I have massive amounts of fear that I will screw this up and lose them, boo!

Lose them…like they will fall out of my body or something *rolls eyes* Losing them would be having them once again hidden under dreaded fat. But seriously, why couldn’t the fat have come off other areas first? sigh.

For days after I noticed the new bones I was happy, I wished I had someone to share this new development with but not like there is anybody to tell. So I stayed quiet about it and hugged the news to myself, using it to boost my mood when I started to get a bit down. I also used it as motivation for restricting even more and helping to bolster my will power when tempted to eat.

Pretty fucked up huh?

I didn’t think it was all that noticeable to other people, I generally wear not high neck tops but not low ones either, so the area is covered up for the most part but something odd happened. I went to work and three different managers took time to sit down with me, give me some serious eye contact, and ask if I was ok.

Strange huh?

There is one person who knows a bit of what I go through, she doesn’t understand and keeps telling me to “just eat already!” but someone who knows a little bit is better then not having anybody, I guess…I’m not really sure…but in theory it is better. So yeah, she is a friend at work and I got paranoid that she ratted me out to management but I asked her about it and she swears she didn’t. She thinks they sat me down to talk because my initial weight loss was a “wow, how awesome” kind of thing but has gone too far and is now a “she’s getting too skinny” kind of thing. I don’t believe her, she is definitely exaggerating because I am nowhere near skinny enough to look like someone who anyone should worry about. I still have too much fat on me in too many places. But the timing sure was odd.

My initial happiness about the new chest bones has faded. I’m still happy about them, and I look at them in the mirror every day to make sure they aren’t getting hidden under fat again, but life gets in the way and other things have over ridden the happy emotions I got after first noticing the bones.

A friend died, and I’m not handling it well. I’m binge eating like crazy, which is making me more paranoid about losing the bones, which drives me to take more diet pills and laxatives, which gives me abdominal pain, which leads me to not eat because of the pain, which leads to me feeling too many emotions and stuffing my face to squash the emotions, which starts the cycle up all over again.

It sucks.

I was watching an old tv show on YouTube, it is about teens who go to a ranch for therapy instead of detention. It is from the late 80s or early 90s I think. I’ve been binge watching it and there was an episode where a girl has an eating disorder and also is super athletic and she had a heart attack because of an electrolyte imbalance and being near starved to death…though the actress they cast doesn’t look at all anorexic…but since you can’t always tell from looking at a person maybe that is why they cast her…ok not the point…

It got me wondering thought, about health side effects from eating disorders. I always think that the negative health stuff only happens to anorexics who are super under weight. I’m not gonna have electrolyte issues, or heart attacks, or whatever else might happen because there is still too much fat on me. I haven’t reached that level of danger. But maybe that is wrong? I dunno. I know I get chest pains, and sometimes shortness of breath from activities that shouldn’t cause me to be short of breath, but that is a far cry from actual heart issues.

I should probably ask my case worker at our next meeting but I think it is gonna be bad enough having to admit I started using my pills again. I can’t see a conversation that organically grows from that admission to “can I have heart issues even though I’m still so fat?”. It was bad enough the other week when I hadda talk to her about my self-harm action. *rolls eyes*

Something I don’t get about her, she hasn’t yelled at me yet. I keep waiting for her to get exasperated, or mad, or just plain yell or order me to do or not do something, but she always talks to me in a calm, patient, voice. Its weird.

This post is kinda all over the place. But so is my brain right now so I guess the post is a good reflection of the inside of my head.

I was supposed to work today but I called in sick. I had abdominal pains so it was a legit reason for calling, but during the day I realized I was acting odd…sorta numb, sad, depressed. I wanted to eat everything and anything but I wasn’t hungry, in fact the abdominal pain I had made eating rather unpleasant. I think it is a reaction to finding out about my friend dying…I was told yesterday and lemme tell ya, after I was told, the rest of my day did not go well. I was all over the place emotionally, mostly mad, but with burst of overwhelming sadness thrown in there for good measure. I just couldn’t face people today.

I’m so mad. Mad that he is dead. Mad that I’m going to have to deal with people at work talking about it for the next week. Mad I didn’t get to say goodbye. Mad that I let myself get attached.

Just. Mad.

That anger is driving pretty much everything I am doing right now. It drove me to eat two desserts today that I definitely didn’t need, or even want. It is currently driving me to not eat anything more until tomorrow as punishment for eating the desserts. It is why I keep punching the wall. Why I took my diet pills today, I wanted the stomach pain they would give me.

I feel like I deserve the pain. My inability to control my eating today means I earned pain, and punishment. I feel like I am being torn apart inside and it makes me want to scream that no one who sees me can tell. Is it because people don’t really look at people any longer or because I am that good at hiding what is really going on inside me. Does it matter which reason it is? Not really. The result is the same.

I hurt. I don’t mean the pain from the pills. I mean me, my heart, it hurts. My body hurts from how I treat it, my heart hurts because I was stupid enough to let it get attached to some people and one of them is now dead.

Death. It is so fucking final. I hate that I’ll never hear his voice anymore. I hate that no one will ever call me the nickname he called me. I hate that we’ll never joke around, and I’ll never read anymore stories that he wrote, I hate that we’ll never talk movies or books or stuff happening in the world. I hate that he is gone, and I especially hate that I am so fucking selfish that I keep thinking that his being gone means I am even more alone.

alone

 

 

For Realsies?

Sigh.

I grocery shopped today. I bought a frozen pizza (pepperoni), a box of store brand macaroni & cheese (it is surprisingly better than KD), partial fixings for a binge meal for another day (the rest of the items can be bought at a different store for cheaper), cake mix, cheese, I think that’s it…I want to say I bought something healthy but can’t think of anything…wait! I bought two bananas!…purchased because (1) I like them and (2) I wanted to look like I was buying random forgotten things and not just binge food and thought bananas would help with that…as if anyone actually looked in my basket and cared *rolls eyes*

The pizza is gone, eaten in under 10 minutes, well, maybe 15 minutes as I waited a bit for it to cool.

The cake mix will be made and baked pretty soon.

I am doing my freakin best to forget the macaroni & cheese is in my cupboard.

I can’t do anything with the partial fixings for a different days binge meal.

The cheese has been opened and partially eaten.

I am trying to be grateful I didn’t also buy the ice cream I wanted, it was in my basket but I managed to put it back. I also put back donuts, cookies, a cake…sigh.

It is a good thing nobody does watch me when I grocery shop because I must’ve looked like an idiot. Picking something up, putting it back, walking to a different aisle, picking something else up, putting it back, staring for a good 10 minutes at the fresh baking wishing I could buy all the donuts but knowing I’ll hate myself if I eat them and knowing I would eat them if I bought them so all I could do was stare and not touch.

I weighed in today and gained 0.8lbs. Might as well be 80lbs with the way it made me feel. I was already in a bit of a slump but that weigh-in exasperated my unhappiness with my self and I’d say “wallowing in depression” is an accurate way to describe the rest of my day. Which led to a “fuck it” attitude. Which led to that grocery shopping trip. Which led to me devouring an entire pizza and then some.

I irritate myself.

hip

Not A Great Day

The title says it all. Today is not a great day. I woke up in a blah mood, not really wanting to face the world but having things I had to do so out I went. I really should have never left the apartment, ugh. I am easily irritated today, have no patience, am near tears, and just want to hide from everyone and everything.

At the same time part of me just doesn’t care. I was driving earlier, saw a car coming, turned anyways, cut them off, they were blowing their horn at me, it was a dumb ass move that could have caused an accident and yet…I just don’t care. I didn’t care when I did it, I don’t care now, I am numb.

I had a work lunch, they served Malaysian food, I took a random assortment of things, mostly things in sauces that spread out a lot so my plate looked like it had more food on it than it really did. I also purposefully took a serving of the pork dish, pretending I didn’t realize it was pork, so when I sat down and “discovered” the pork I could be all shocked and dismayed and nobody blinked at me not eating that part of my food – they all know I don’t eat pork. Yay for being good at deceiving people I guess…

I went to a drop in meeting last Monday for people with ED. I have been on a waiting list for 4 months to get some sort of help, frankly I kinda thought they forgot about me, so I was plugging along, doing my own thing, losing weight and doing ok when out of nowhere they called. I had an info session type of thing, learned the rules etc, and then had my first group meeting. I start actual classes or something in January but until then I am required to attend minimum 2 drop in sessions per month. There are 3 different types of drop in session and I can pick any combo of the three types I want.

The one I went to is a Weekly Support Group. The other two are a Weekly Relaxation / Meditation Group and a Weekly Meal Support Group.

The Weekly Support Group was ok I guess. A bunch of people with various eating disorders sitting around talking about all kinds of things with a shrink and a dietitian sitting with us for mediation / information / feedback. It was weird to hear other people talking about behaviours that I do, or about having the same thoughts that I think. It isn’t like I thought I was the only person who had these thoughts or behaviours or issues but I’ve never talked openly to anyone about them and never heard other people talking openly about what they do.

Since that meeting though, my restrictive eating has increased. I had gotten to what I thought of as a decent balance of food, not too much food, not too little food, for me. This past week though it seems like there is no end to situations that occur that end with me eating something I shouldn’t, and all the restricting I have been doing has not been enough compensation, resulting in my having gained weight this week. 😦

I knew I had gained weight, I could feel that I had, and I am freakin miserable about it. Seeing that number on the scale go up makes me want to cry, or punch something, or not care when I drive, or binge, or purge, or restrict more, or engage in any number of not good for me activities.

So ever since weigh-in today I’ve been struggling. Before weigh-in I was just in a bad mood, since weigh-in I am in a destructive mood. On my way home part of me was all “might as well drive to a bakery and get allllll the food!” while another part of me was all “no food! for minimum 24 hours! must fix this!”

I don’t know which part to listen to, eat everything, eat nothing…I just don’t know.

I compromised, when I got home I took a Cayenne Pepper extract and a Green Tea extract. You are supposed to take them when eating a meal but it was pretty soon after my work lunch so I hoped it would still count. The combo is supposed to help you metabolize your food faster. I decided that if it seemed like they had worked, and if later in the day I feel hungry, I would allow myself some vegetables. If they didn’t seem to work then I would just drink lots of water, tea, and diet coke and wait to eat until sometime tomorrow afternoon.

I’m so mad at going up 1.8lbs in weight when I’ve been working so hard and as of last week had lost 18lbs. Now I feel like I have to start all over.

sad

No Words

Do you ever want to talk because you are going through something but you can’t find the words, you don’t even know what exactly you are going through, you just know you are miserable, but since you have no words to elocute what you are feeling, and aren’t really too sure yourself what it is you’re feeling, you just stay silent and the misery lingers, and grows, and when you aren’t able to distract yourself you find yourself sinking lower and lower into the misery?

That’s me. sigh.

I’m struggling but I know on the surface it doesn’t look like it. I’m still following the weight watchers program. I was away competing with my sports team this past weekend and managed to (1) not restrict and (2) not binge. I’ve been going to work and basically living my life.

But…

But it is all a struggle.

Now that I’m back home after being out of town with my team I find myself restricting. I’m not all the way down to not eating anything but I am under eating by a lot and I kinda don’t care.

I’m not sure what is driving me to restrict. I’ve never really tried to figure out why I restrict but this time I took some time to think about it and I realize I don’t know what is driving me to not eat.

I’m on the waiting list for the adult ed program, I was told the average wait time for a spot is three months and I’m not quite halfway in to that wait time. Most of the time I don’t mind that I haven’t been contacted yet but sometimes I wish I had some sort of help.

The program isn’t an inpatient program, it is a three times a week group meeting sort of thing, from my understanding anyways. Every now and then, kind of frequently lately, I almost wish I was sick enough to be put in an inpatient program. I know realistically that will never happen. For one thing I am not that sick, two, I can’t go inpatient, I have bills and a cat to take care of, three, nobody knows I struggle so nobody will ever notice I need help and reach out to someone on my behalf.

Its weird, I don’t want inpatient, but sometimes I do because maybe I wouldn’t have to be dealing with this feeling as much. I think it might be nice to have someone to lean on…I’m probably wrong though.

I’m rambling, and I know I’m rambling, but I can’t help it. My head is a jumbled place to be and I have nobody to talk to…not that I really know what I want to say…I just…sigh, I’m messed up in my head…

not ok

skinnier

 

The Depth

I did better than I thought I would when I went home for Christmas. I managed on multiple days to restrict my calories to a number that didn’t scare the crap out of me and the days I did eat more calories than I am comfie with were days I knew that was going to happen and I did my best to plan ahead for that. By plan ahead I mean mentally plan ahead, there wasn’t much I could do to physically counter act the calories.

A bonus is that even though I was eating more than I was comfie with when I compared the amounts I was eating to what other people were eating I was still eating way less. I use what other people eat as a baseline for my food quantities. If I am eating way less than what other people are eating, even if I am eating more than I feel comfie with, I don’t go in to complete and utter freak-out because I know it could be lots worse.

That might not make any sense to anybody else but it does to me, shrug.

Since I’ve been back though I’ve been pretty down. Not about being back, I am glad to be back, I’m just down about, well, I’m not completely certain what…I’m just down…

I should be happy. I know I should be but I can’t force it, not when it is just me and my laptop. Tomorrow I will fake it, for the entire time I am at work no one will know anything is less than perfect but for now, I’m down.

I feel I am sinking, going down in to the depth of, well, where ever the hell it is I always seem to go when down. Right now I am envisioning it as me sinking down in to a bottomless ocean, the water is a dark blue, it is the same temperature as me so it doesn’t make me feel anything, and instead of floating I keep sinking, farther away from the light, and I can’t even bring myself to care that I’m leaving the light behind, the warmth of the sun, the oxygen I need to live.

I just don’t care.

I keep sinking, the farther down I go the more numb I get. I am still sad, that hasn’t gone away, but the water helps to make it harder to feel the sadness. I know it is still there, lurking, but it can’t affect me, the water keeps me safe from the sadness while also blocking any of the good things from getting through.

A very small part of me knows that I should be fighting this, that I should do anything and everything I can to stop myself from sinking any lower, and to fight to get myself back to the light but that part of me is so small and easy to ignore and well, I don’t know how. It would take so much work and it is so much easier to curl up in a ball and sleep, or watch Netflix and ignore the world…which is pretty much all I’ve been doing all day…

I think I’ll go to bed and see if anything is different in the morning.

depth

Someone To Notice

I watch Star Trek. At this exact moment in time I am watching Star Trek Voyager. Shows like this make me jealous and grateful all at once, which is ridiculous.

Let me explain…

If you have never watched any version of Star Trek (1) what is wrong with you? jk! and (2) all you need to know for this post is that there are a group of individuals, from all different races and species, who work together towards a common goal. They are diverse, have their own opinions, have amazing technology and at the core of it all they are a tightly bonded group. They have each others backs no matter what. They don’t judge, they accept. They don’t toss someone out if they are sick or injured, they support them as they heal. They are family in the best sense of the word.

In real life there is almost never a situation where you know without a doubt there will be someone who has your back, someone that has unflinching loyalty to you, someone that will never let you down, someone you can be 100% honest with and know you won’t be judged.

I want that. I crave that. I used to search for that until I realized that even if I felt that way towards someone they didn’t feel it back because most people don’t seem to have the need to feel so deeply. They don’t seem to care if they have someone who would without a doubt have their back no matter the situation…maybe they don’t think they will ever be in a situation where they will need that kind of support? I have, over the course of my life, found myself in situations where I really needed that kind of support, I needed someone I could call no matter what, I needed someone I could talk to without being judged, I needed someone I could be honest to and know I could rely on them instead of having to show a false version of myself so that they would be happy and comfortable.

Is it that everybody else is just way better at me at disguising that they need this connection or do most people really not need it? Probably it is that I am too high maintenance and needy, sigh.

There is an episode of Voyager where my favourite character is suffering from clinical depression. Because it is a show that generally always solves the character’s problems within one episode she was fine by the end of it but even with that quick fix of her problem this episode resonates with me. When I watch it, and see her depressed, see her putting herself in dangerous situations in the hope she will get injured because then she will feel something, I know her, I am her, and I want to be her because when others find out she’s having trouble they band together to help her, to be there for her, to support her and help make her better.

She, with her tight knit family (comprised of friends and shipmates not blood family), can not keep her depression hidden. They notice. They are concerned. They take action when they realize something deeper is going on. They have her back. Even when at first she tries to hide that anything is wrong, even when she insists she is fine, even when she fights against the help, they are there for her. And of course, being the magic of tv, she really is fine by the end of the episode.

They notice her.

That is what makes me jealous and grateful all at once.

Jealous because some days, hell, most days, all I want is for someone to notice me. Someone to say “hey, I see you are struggling, I will help you”. I want to be in a situation, like on that starship, where people have each others backs and a change in behaviour is noticed, and when a larger situation occurs it isn’t brushed off, denials that anything is wrong are not accepted, affirmations that things are fine are ignored, and help, no matter how much it isn’t initially wanted, is given and eventually accepted.

I am grateful because nobody has ever noticed I struggle. Nobody has ever offered help. Nobody has ever insisted they will be there for me.

And how messed up is it that I am grateful for that? *rolls eyes*

I am the one who helps other people, I don’t know what I would do if someone tried to help me, I don’t know how I would respond, if I would be able to accept it, even though I want it.  I wouldn’t trust it, because in my experience offers that are extended are fake, and those aren’t even serious offers of help. Loyalty is a concept people don’t seem to grasp. Having your back only lasts as long as you don’t really need to call on the person for help, as soon as you need them they are busy and can’t be there for you.

As much as I wouldn’t trust an offer of help, as much as I would hate being in an environment where I am monitored even more than I already am, I am jealous of people in those situations, jealous because they have a built in network of people there for them and I have nothing. No one. Well, except this blog.

Some days the fight against the darkness in my head is so hard I want to quit. In order to quit though, you need someone to tell, someone you can go to and say “I can’t do this anymore” and you need that person to be someone who will have your back, who will help you, who won’t judge you, who will be there for you. Who has that person? I don’t have that person.

I know that I will never go to someone and say I need help, so I am jealous of tv characters that don’t even need to ask for help, they just get it. The characters are so tight they see one of their own needs help and even when she fights against the help they keep helping until she accepts and heals. She has people who really see her, who notice she is struggling, who pull her from the abyss before she gets sucked so far down she can’t ever get out.

How is it, even with all my friends, my work mates, my life, nobody can see I struggle? Nobody sees I need help? Nobody ever pushes their way in front of me and refuses to budge until I accept they are sticking with me, and helping me, and they won’t let me shake them.

I mean yeah, I know why, I know I put on a good front, but some days I feel like I am screaming, like there is literally a person in me screaming to be let out but the fake version of me that I show the world is so tightly woven over my skin the part of me that is screaming can’t be heard by anyone. Some days though, I really need that scream to be heard, I need help, and on the days where I am at my lowest I would actually be open to help because I know I am about to go under and I can’t stop the decline. But nobody ever sees that, hears that, notices that I need help. So I slip a little further down and I wish I could be that character that has people that really see her because maybe then I would have a chance.

The below link is to the episode I am talking about, the youtube video actually has three episodes, I am talking about the first of the three…

And here is a song aptly named Invisible:

A Hermit Kind Of Day

Today was a hermit day. I have them every now and then, I seem to have them more often than anybody else I know, I guess cause I lean towards being anti-social, shrug.

I needed a day to be alone, to try to come to terms with the knowledge he is married now, gone forever.

I slept most of the day, woke up about 3:30pm, I woke up other times prior to that but all I did was roll over, bury my face in the blankets and go back to oblivion where I didn’t have to think about anything. I couldn’t face the world quite yet.

Twelve hours after crawling in to bed I forced myself out of it. I could have happily stayed there forever but the cat was harassing me for food and well, I had to get up sometime, right?

I’ve done nothing productive today, hell, I didn’t get out of my pj’s and shower until sometime after 6pm. I’ve ignored all texts and fb and anything that might involve interacting with someone. I even muted my tv when I heard someone coming down the hall so they wouldn’t realize I am here and knock on my door.

Pathetic, sigh.

I thought I’d be in over analyzing mode today, picking apart everything, thinking about him non-stop, googling him or the wife but it’s as if all my emotions are deadened. All I feel is depressed, but not even that really, it’s like there is a weight in my chest and a cloud in my head, like I’m not really here, I am nothing, I am emotionless, I am not real.

Tomorrow I will have things to do, I will have to force myself out in to the world, I can’t hermit forever no matter how much I want to. But it’s not tomorrow yet so for now I’ll stay as I am, curled up on the couch, the cat on my lap, depressing movie on my tv and embrace the cloud in my head that is protecting me from feeling and thinking. I never want this cloud to go because I know the pain I will soon be feeling will be excruciating and is gonna suck.

 

one day this will be me

one day this will be me – hopefully