Tag Archives: Binge Day

About Thursday

I am writing this a day after Thursday, in the hopes of getting past, or over, or at least somehow in the process of dealing with, the shock of the 5 year anniversary. (Yesterday’s post)

Thursday was an odd day.

I had a binge. A huge binge. Larger than I have had in a long time. It wasn’t as big as it could have been. I had other food I was also going to eat but somehow managed to talk myself out of it.

Then I was horrifically full so didn’t eat for um, 8.5 hours or so.

I wasn’t going to eat again at all that day but I had practice and I am trying to stick with the whole “eat before and after working out or engaging in a physical activity” rule. sigh. I hate that rule.

Obviously I didn’t eat right before practice, what with all the food that was still in my stomach digesting – which side note, despite very much wanting to I did not take any laxatives or diet pills to rush the food out of me – a miracle if ever there was one.

I’d like to take some credit for that but I only refrained because I know that the side effects from those pills would have hit when I was at practice and oh wow would that not be good.

So…no pills…but lots of food in the tummy…

Then I went to practice, had a decent workout, and when it was all done wanted ice cream. What the fuck?! *rolls eyes* My brain was all “you already fucked up today, if ever there is gonna be a day to eat the ice cream it is today!” but it was also saying “sure you ate a tonne earlier but you just finished practice so you burned a bunch of that off which means you have room to eat more”

I would like to point out that both those arguments are flawed, and yet, both feel so valid.

The whole drive home I was arguing with myself if I was going to get ice cream. If I wasn’t going to get it did I want to stop somewhere else and pick up something ready made to eat for dinner? Did I want to just grab the McFlurry and be done with it? Did I want to make something to eat at home? Or should I just not eat?

Don’t you love how I go from eating ice cream to eating nothing, like middle options don’t count or something.

In the end I went home, with the fairly solid plan of not eating because I was definitely over my calories for the day so my body doesn’t need any more food in it. If it is hungry from practice, which it shouldn’t be, then it can feed itself from the food I already put in it.

After my shower though I remembered a talk with my one-on-one counsellor and how we talked about post-workout nutrition and how it is important.

Ugh. Sometimes I hate when those talks pop back up in my head because they make it harder to convince myself restricting is the right choice and some days I really want to restrict because oh my god all the food in me from earlier!! Ack! But, I know he is right, and I am wrong, so I remembered what we talked about. I remembered about fueling my body, and taking care of it, and how if I don’t give it what it needs post-workout than tomorrow will be harder, and my workout tomorrow will be harder, and I’ll be more prone to injury and exhaustion, and well, I kept remembering a lot of stuff.

Eventually all that remembering kicked my ass in to gear and I made something to eat. And not even my normal food, which would have been a protein smoothie bowl or an egg with some toast.

Nope. I went out of my comfort zone by so freakin much. I have no idea why, it just felt like the night to try…to be honest I think because I still felt like such a screw up from my earlier binge that I figured if I’m gonna eat something higher calorie than my normal post practice meal I might as well go completely off plan. So, not the best reasoning for why to try something new but whatever.

I cooked a beef burger patty, and topped it with cheese, because oh yeah, apparently I eat cheese sometimes now! How the fuck did that happen?!  (I’m gonna get so fat…no! no, in moderation it might be ok…right?) Aaaaaand I made these things, I don’t know what to call them, they are like tater tots but made of broccoli and cheese.

I bought them I don’t even know how long ago and they have been in my freezer ever since. I’ve been too scared to try them because (1) what if I don’t like them and I’m stuck with them or (2) even worse, what if I like them and eat them too often, or too many at a time, and do I really want to risk having yet one more food that I know about, and like, that I have to put on my “not allowed” list, cause you know that is where most foods end up. sigh.

Food stuff is so hard.

So yeah, the package said 6 was a serving, so I cooked 6 of them.

That means I ate a burger patty with some cheese melted on top and 6 broccoli & cheese tot things.

Can that be any farther from something I am comfortable eating?

And omg, later I ate 10 crackers so I got my freakin grain component.

What has come over me…

Oh, and one last thing for the day, our drop-in group on Monday is cancelled cause of the holiday so I actually reached out to the friends I made in group that I hang with sometimes and asked if any of them would be interested in chilling that day, sort of our own group thing, so we don’t miss that Monday connection we usually have. And two of them have said yes! I thought for sure they’d be all “omg do we not see enough of you already, back the fuck off woman!” but no, they actually seem happy with the idea. Not everyone has responded yet so some of them may be all “back the fuck off”, but not all of them are…I’m assuming it is more the need to stick to routine and take care of their own recovery than any actual desire to hang out with me but that’s ok, shrug, I can deal with that.

I’m trying to tally the day, in a recovery positive way, and here is what I have:

Bad Shit:

I had a binge

Good Shit:

I stopped the binge before it got even worse than it was.

I didn’t take any pills etc. to purge after the binge.

I didn’t bail on my practice and avoid humanity because of my binge.

I initially restricted after the binge due to being sooooo full but after practice I made and cooked a meal.

The meal I cooked had all 4 food groups, contained red meat (something I never eat), contained a completely new to me food, had cheese, and I willingly ate a serving of carbs.

I didn’t purge the dinner I made.

I reached out to friends to make arrangements to help us all have support on a day when I knew we would be lacking it.

So, it would seem the Good tally is winning, wouldn’t you say?

Now, I will be the first to admit I could be very wrong here. Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten the post practice dinner because of how much I consumed earlier. I don’t know all the new rules, and I get confused a lot about what to do, what is the right decision, and I most likely made the wrong one here. But even if it is wrong, I made a decision, and I stuck with it, no matter what the consequences were. And at the end of the day I guess that is the best I can do.

(I feel I should point out I wrote that last paragraph like it is no big deal but I was freaking out. Totally and absolutely freaking out about having eaten that dinner, having the food in my tummy, taking in even more calories. I have been doing so well lately with not eating too much and Thursday totally blew that out of the water. So ya know, panic, in spades. But I still didn’t go for the pills, or for a late night run, instead I drank some water and went to bed. Please let that be a sign of progress cause if it isn’t then this internal drama sooooo isn’t worth it! Just sayin’)

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Pain, Such Pain

Today didn’t start off bad but you know those days you think will go normal but quickly take a downward turn and boom! Food craziness! sigh.

I woke up with a headache, I almost didn’t get up and go out but decided the headache would be with me whether I got up or not so I might as well get up. I had to fill a prescription and the wait time was 2 hours. I wandered the store for a while, it was Costco, but had to leave because I kept thinking about their french fries. By this time I had eaten a protein bar so really, I shouldn’t have needed any food, but Costco french fries make me weak. *rolls eyes*

By the time I was leaving there and going home I felt…weird…I don’t know how else to explain it. I was hungry but not hungry…I had abdominal pain that I couldn’t explain…I wanted to eat but didn’t want any of my safe foods…I wanted to exercise but I was exhausted…oh, and I still had the headache.

All the way home I kept thinking of places I would stop to get food, not just any food but binge food. I have no idea why I was semi-planning a binge. I managed to get home without buying any food but had no idea what to make when I got home. I ended up making a box of macaroni and cheese and inhaled the entire thing. Ugh. Then I had ice cream. Then I had more abdominal pain, still had a headache, I swear my energy levels were even lower, and I still kinda wanted to eat. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to eat…

I was supposed to go to practice tonight but I didn’t. I could barely move from my living room chair to the bathroom let alone get ready and take part in 2 hours of intense activity. I promised myself I would go for a run instead, to make it up to myself, but I didn’t. I ended up falling asleep on the living room chair. I have to admit, it was a good nap.

Problem is, I woke up from the nap sooooooo hungry! Like, stomach growling hungry! Wtf?? I had eaten so much before I fell asleep and now my body wants more? Plus! Still having all kinds of abdominal pains. Ugh, the pain is becoming an issue but I don’t know why I have it.

It is an achy, persistent, throughout my entire lower abdominal pain, that I don’t know how to get rid of. 😦

Maybe it is from the cayenne pepper and green tea extracts I took yesterday in an effort to purge the food I ate? Which, fyi, didn’t work. It usually makes everything in my system rev up and it flushes out what I ate (I’m trying to not be too graphic or gross lol) but it didn’t do that…not sure if that means it has stopped working for me and I need to find something else or just increase how much I take?

So now I am more awake than I should be considering I need to go to bed soon, I still have abdominal pain, I still want to eat the other tub of ice cream, and I don’t know what to do. Despite being more awake my energy levels are still low, I think that is because every time I get up the pain becomes even more noticeable, it is making it hard to stand straight…should be an interesting shower…

corset

Balance

I am not a religious person but I do tend to believe that there is something out there keeping things balanced. Nobody ends up with only good things in their life and nobody ends up with only bad things. Sure, sometimes it is perspective, to me someone’s life may look all bad but to the person in it they probably find joy in something I don’t see and the opposite is true. How many of us look at celebrities and think they lead charmed, perfect, lives? But when you dig a little deeper you find out that they’ve had to deal with the deaths of those closest to them, or they never got to say a final goodbye to someone, or they can’t seem to find and stay in a happy relationship to save their life.

It is all about balance.

In my own, small and inconsequential life, I see the balance that gets meted out and I gotta say, it sure can suck.

I act. No, I am not hugely famous, or even a little bit famous, but I want to be. Not the point of this post though so let’s move on from that. The reason I am telling you this is because I got cast in a commercial two weeks ago and holy crap was I over the moon about it. I mean, yeah, I had anxiety and freaked out about not eating anything until after the shoot so I looked my best, but right now I’m not caring about that side of things. I am caring that I got booked in to a commercial, this is great for my resume and bank account, I managed to do this without an agent (practically impossible) and now maybe I would have a better chance of getting a new agent because I could show how even when on my own I am able to book gigs.

On what seems an unrelated topic, last Tuesday I helped a friend out with some tech stuff at her place. She is a baker and as a thanks for my help she baked some focaccia bread with olives, and herbs from her garden, in it. I knew before I went over she was doing this so I ate a banana in the morning and nothing else. I wasn’t sure how to track home made bread so I needed to make sure I didn’t go over my daily allotment of food by eating some of this bread. I was booked in to film the commercial Friday and had to be careful in those final countdown days to do nothing that might mess with filming day.

After I fix her tech we sit down with cups of tea and reasonably sized slices of her bread. It was freakin amazing! I’ve never tasted bread so good before and I am a bread-aholic so trust me when I say I have eaten a lot of bread.

As I am getting ready to leave she says she is sending some of the bread home with me. She ends up sending the remaining loaf with me! An entire loaf of bread, minus the two small slices we ate, coming home with me…not a good situation to say the least.

I swear to myself I am going to freeze the bread, if not all of it then at least most of it but what do I do? I end up eating some of it while still driving back to my place. Then I proceed to cancel my evening plans, hold the bread like it is some over sized donut, and eat. And eat. And eat. Until it is almost all gone. I put a small chunk back in the ziploc and sit there, overly full on homemade bread, wondering what the fuck I have just done. I drink some tea. I try to not focus on the fact that I just filled my body with more carbs in one sitting than it usually gets in a week and I go back and forth between trying to justify my actions and berating myself. Oh, and then I finished the loaf of bread.

A bit later I check my email and what do I see but an email from the producer saying my part of the commercial has been cut because it was deemed to dangerous to film. They said I was great, loved my audition, really wanted to work with me, and they’d keep me in mind for future projects.

Who the fuck cares about future projects when I want this project?!

And that my friends, is how the universe brings balance to my life. I got a part in a project all on my own, instead of staying the course so I’d be optimal for filming day I break down and eat a fuck-ton of bread, and that same day the job is taken away from me.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to escape my life.

Instead I went through the rest of my evening, I watched some tv, read a book, had a shower where I stood for ages letting the water pour over me and acknowledged I could feel the depression sweeping over me like a wave, pulling me down. I went to bed and realized I was now feeling nothing. Not tired. Not awake. Not caring.

The next day I got up and did everything by rote. Got ready for work, worked for 8 hours, came home, went to bed, all as if I hadn’t gotten devastating news that made me want to hibernate. I felt nothing. Cared about nothing. Appetite was gone, all I wanted to do was shut out the world.

I had brought this on myself. I had screwed this up. This was my fault and I have to deal with that and deal with paying the consequences for screwing up.

Balance.

It will be forced on me by the universe whether I want it or not, it is up to me to deal with it, and try to do better.

Since then I took some pills to get the bread out of me faster. Have restricted my food to make up for the binge. Went to my sports practice even though I didn’t want to. Went to a stupid art therapy class this morning even though I really didn’t want to. Done everything I was supposed to do. Not in the hopes of getting that job back, it is gone and I have to accept that, but in the hopes of balancing things out enough I get a shot at another gig sooner rather than later. Or an agent – that would be even better.

self hate

etheral

Healthy Fats?

Fair warning, I am in a pisser of a mood and this will probably end up being a ranting type of post…

This past week I increased my exercise, I was super on point with my food, I did everything “right” and what happened?

I gained 1.8 freakin pounds!!

I stupidly thought I looked ok in the mirror this morning before I headed to weigh-in. I thought maybe I looked a bit smaller, maybe all that work did something, maybe all those times I said no to all the binge foods counted for something.

It counted for nothing.

It got me nowhere but fatter…the one absolute for sure thing I do not want.

Why do I even try? Why do I force myself to skip a binge that I so badly need, and feel crazy in the process because I have no other way to deal with things but to binge so then I am trapped in my head with racing thoughts that won’t leave me alone when skipping a binge obviously has no effect on my weight loss efforts. In fact! Maybe I would have had a lower weight if I had binged because then I would have been taking my pills to rev metabolism and maybe some laxatives and I would have kicked up the working out even more so I would have burned off or expelled all the food I binged on and then some. But nooooooo, instead I stupidly don’t binge, and I don’t take my pills, and I don’t take any laxatives, and I eat as close to “normal” as I am able and what the fuck happens?

I get FATTER!!!!

I had a one-on-one with my case manager Wednesday and we agreed I would meet with the dietitian and start taking baby steps at increasing the time range I eat in and possibly the foods, either in quantity or variety, I am not sure which…probably both if they have things their way. I thought, at the time of the meeting, that it was scary but ok, a step I should take. But how can I increase my food in quantity and/or variety when the food I am already eating is making me fatter? If I add anything else to what I am eating it’ll probably go right to the fat that is built up over my stomach area and just have me expanding even more and omg even just writing that has me wanting to cry, or punch something.

I prefer the anger because I can use it to drive me in to better behaviour. If I am sad I just want to sit and eat. Or sit and focus on how much I am not eating. If I am mad I want to run, or punch something, I want to use the anger as fuel and burn it and it helps me be more active, even on days when I have no energy and am dizzy.

Anger is a more productive emotion for me.

I had practice tonight, with my sports team, so I did get to burn off some of the anger…believe it or not this is me calmed down…

An additional problem is that my Weight Watchers leader wants to see my food journal next week. It is my fault. I was so upset about having gained weight this week, and the fact that I can’t seem to break through this plateau that I talked to her after the meeting today. I thought she’d give me some advice and she did, but it is lunacy. Complete lunacy!

She says eat more protein and add healthy fats to my meal plan. She says I’m probably not getting enough healthy fats. She wants me to cook my food in oil for fucks sake! Oil! Who does that?? Fat people do that! Something I am obviously destined to be forever if this keeps up.

Is there even such a thing as a “healthy fat”? Fat is bad. Duh. So how can there be a healthy kind? I know I have heard people say avocados are healthy fat but I figure that is just people finding a way to justify eating something so high in calories and fat that they really like. Next thing you know people will be saying mayonnaise is a healthy fat, and bacon, and donuts!

I’m trying to get rid of my excess fat, how can I eat more fat, and add that to my body, when I am trying to get rid of the fat that is stubbornly clinging to me?

I hate this. I absolutely fucking hate this. I should have never entered in to a treatment program. I should have never joined Weight Watchers. I should have stuck with restricting my calories. I am sure I would have gotten off this binge eating kick and gotten good at restricting again if I had just kept at it but nope, not me, I had to go and ask for help when obviously all these people want to do is sabotage me and keep me fat.

Eat “healthy fats” sure, *rolls eyes* I’ll get riiiiight on that…said no one ever.

ribs 2

noomi

I want a bad ass attitude like hers, sigh. 

See her cheekbones? I had, very briefly, cheekbones. Now they are hidden under an extra 1.8 pounds that I apparently just couldn’t keep off my body.

My Streak Came To An End

Ok so I am at a record almost 3 weeks without having a binge. I am also sitting at a record almost 3 weeks of seriously craving having a binge session and not indulging it.

I feel like I am going crazy.

Today I was mad, for no reason, just mad. Well, I sort of had a reason, it was my weekly weigh-in (I weigh myself more than once a week but only track the weigh-in results from Thursdays) and I gained weight. Ugh. I gained 0.4lbs so ok yeah, not like I gained a tonne but this is after two weeks of being in a plateau and I’m about at my breaking point over here.

Going up on the scale made me mad, I normally deal with being mad by eating, well, here I am trying to not binge which meant I had no coping skills to deal with the anger I was feeling.

Cue wanting to binge even more…

I had an errand at Costco and after I grabbed the items I was going there for I most definitely detoured to the bakery section to see what they might have. In case you are wondering I wanted doughnuts, I want doughnuts more than I want my next breath, sigh. And not one doughnut but allllllllll the doughnuts. ALL the doughnuts!

They did not have doughnuts. 😦

I contemplated buying a pie or cake but they cost too much so I left them alone.

Then I got to my car and pulled up the Panago website, I really like their dessert bread sticks so I thought I’d order some for pick-up and grab them on the way home. While looking at the website I changed my mind and went to Pizza Hut’s site, they have this Hershey’s Chocolate Chip cookie that is freakin amazing, it is jumbo cookie size, the chocolate is melty, it is warm, it omg, now I want that freakin cookie even more, sigh…So good! I feel weird ordering just a dessert from there so I ordered for pick-up the cookie, some bread sticks, and a personal size pizza. I looked at the total cost of the order and couldn’t do it, I couldn’t afford it.

Ugh. Being poor sucks.

I thought about getting just the bread sticks and the cookie but managed to stop myself from placing the order. Instead I ordered sushi for pick-up and debated stopping at a neighbourhood bakery or going to Tim Horton’s.

Through all this all I really wanted were doughnuts. There are these glazed doughnuts from WalMart, 6 for $1, literally dripping glaze, those were what I wanted. I had no legit reason for going to WalMart and I knew if I went I would buy those doughnuts, so I was doing my best to not go there. Luckily WalMart isn’t really all that near to where I was or where I live so getting to one would have been going way out of my way and since I’m trying to not spend money on excess things that extends to not driving places unless I need to and I was trying very very hard to not classify buying binge food as a “need to”. I figured Tim Horton’s doughnuts are way better quality anyways, so if I was going to buy doughnuts I should buy the better ones, right?

I picked up my sushi, which, in case you are wondering, I ordered because putting a roll in to my mouth fills my mouth, making it seem like I am binge eating, even though the quantity of food I have on my plate is not at binge levels. It is to get the sensory feel of the binge without the calories. Sometimes it works, most times it doesn’t.

This time it didn’t.

I had tricked myself though! After I picked up the sushi I drove home, told myself that if after I ate the sushi I still wanted the doughnuts I could either walk to the local bakery or drive to the Tim Horton’s that is nearby. Nothing stopping me from going out again, right?

Wrong!

I am lazy, and for some reason once I am in my place I get very reluctant to go out specifically to buy binge food. I feel like everyone is watching me and knows what I am doing. If I buy it when I am already out and about that is one thing, but going out just to buy it, I don’t like doing that. So by getting myself home I avoided buying the much coveted doughnuts.

I thought this was a win till I raided my kitchen cupboards. Couple brownies, a package of cookies, some random chocolates, and other foods later, I remembered why having a binge is not a good thing.

I feel so gross. I feel so guilty. It didn’t take away my anger, it if anything, intensified it because now I am even farther away from losing weight.

Arg!

Why?! Why did I do it??

And not only why did I do it but why do I still want to be eating??

I forced myself to wait till a “normal” dinner time and ate a “normal” dinner. That wasn’t enough. I want more. I want to eat everything. I want to open another package of cookies even though the sweetness of the ones I ate is still making me feel nauseous. I want to go buy the doughnuts because they are what I have been wanting this entire time. I want to get a jar of peanut butter and a spoon and go to town. Ditto that but with Nutella. I want bread, in any and all forms. I want pastries goddammit. I want! I want! I want!

And yet, despite all that wanting, I am sitting here, typing, drinking endless cups of tea, feeling like I have a hole in my stomach and I can’t figure out if it is legit hunger or my stomach having trouble digesting all the crap I ate…and I am not eating.

I am not going back in to that kitchen and raiding more cupboards and eating more food.

I am not inhaling the other package of cookies. Or baking the pie I have in the freezer. Or baking fresh cookies, or a cake for that matter. Hell, I’m not even making toast.

Instead I am dealing with acid reflux, and a gurgling stomach, and self-loathing, and self-hatred, and guilt, and why did I think having a binge would do me any good?

Now I have to restart my counter for how many days I have been restricting and been good.

Fuck.

stop-eating

self-control