Tag Archives: sad

Two Days So Far

Two days in a row I have binged and then taken various pills to try to mitigate the damage. sigh.

I wish I could throw-up, I’ve tried so many times to purge that way but I can almost never seem to manage it. So instead I over exercise, and take pills that hurt my stomach but are supposed to rush the food outta me, and I take laxatives just in case the other pills don’t help, and then I restrict way more than normal for however long after that I can manage.

And oh yeah, during all this I hate myself, and isolate myself, and can’t focus on anything because I am so overwhelmed by the thoughts in my head.

I went for a long walk tonight after my first binge of the day. Partly to try to burn some calories, partly because I like to walk as it lets me think and not think all at once, partly because I enjoy listening to music while walking, and partly because it was finally dark out so I could go outside – after a binge I prefer to exercise, or do anything really, in the dark because while I am horrible to look at on a normal day, after a binge I feel especially hideous and can’t stand the thought of people looking at me. I’m judging myself enough thanks very much, I don’t need others doing it also.

I only walked 8km (5 miles). I should have walked for longer but all of a sudden, while walking, I got super tired, and my legs were feeling heavy, and I realized that I didn’t think I could finish the distance I had planned, so I cut the walk short. Lame I know. I should have pushed myself to go farther, but I caved.

Normally after a walk I don’t have any muscle pain or aches, things you get after a real workout, cause it is just a walk, but since I got back my legs ache. As if they got a real workout, but again, it was just a walk, so I don’t know what’s going on with them. My lower back is kinda sore also, but I’ve put some heat on it and I’m assuming by tomorrow it’ll be fine. Legs too, I’m assuming by tomorrow they will be fine also.

I must be getting out of shape to have such a simple thing as walking noticeably affect how my body feels. I’ve been taking part in a fitness challenge, in the last 7 days I have had 6 workouts. I guess I should up that since my body seems to be getting weaker and I’m trying to make it stronger. Well, thinner and stronger, which I am aware are goals that are at odds with each other.

It used to be something I spoke with my counsellor about but since I don’t have him anymore I guess it is just something I will speak to myself about. Or not think about at all. Ah yes, one more unsolved issue to have floating around my brain, awesome.

It has now been 2 weeks without him. I’ve stopped talking about him to anybody that knew about him because I don’t want to seem like some obsessed crazy person. I don’t know how to explain what I feel in regards to him. It isn’t like a crush, or when you break up with a boyfriend, or even when a friendship ends, but it is similar enough to some of the emotions that come up in those situations that I feel a bit like I do when I’ve been dealing with the end of a relationship.

And I’m kinda mad at him that he gave me hope. In his own odd way. When I said I was upset cause I’d never see him again an stuff he gave me this reassuring, compassionate, expression, and said I don’t know that, and I’ll have him around helping me for a while, and stuff like that. As if he is going to magically reappear in my world somehow. But he isn’t. And I have to acknowledge and deal with that. He isn’t going to reappear at my program and be my one-on-one counsellor again. He isn’t going to pop up somewhere else in my world and become a friend. He’s just a person that I spoke with for a short time that I’ll never see again. And that is messing with me. Usually people you tell private, important stuff to, are people you will see again, people you can contact, people you know. But now, I’ll never see him again, he’s probably already forgotten I exist, I’m spiraling from losing him as part of my support team, and I’m never gonna know what happens to him. Does he get a great job? Does he do amazing things? Does he have a happy life? I dunno. And I never will know, because it isn’t my place to know that about him, but I had this false sense of friendship because of our talks together and I feel a loss that I will never know those things about him.

I sometimes make up stupid scenarios in my head about running in to him. At one of my sports team’s competitions, or just when I’m out doing something. He told me in our last session that if he ever sees me, due to ethical stuff, the most he is allowed to do is nod, he can’t come say hi, I would have to initiate contact. And we can never be friends, unless, maybe I am better from what he used to counsel me about, and he sorta stretched the ethical rules. So even if I did run in to him, and say hi, it would never go beyond that superficial quick convo before we both went on our way.

I don’t want you to think I’m wanting to date him or something, I don’t, that isn’t what this is about. It’s just, I think he is someone who would be cool to have as a friend, not for the counselling stuff, but because he’s funny, and in to fitness, and has a relateable way about him. And I think that if somehow we had met in real life, not in a counselling session, maybe we could have been friends. I mean sure, I know we never would have met, our lives don’t cross paths anywhere and even if they did he’d never glance my way, but it is just this feeling I have.

It’s stupid. I know it is stupid. But it is how I feel.

I think all these feelings floating in me, about this, are manifesting in binges, and restricting, and self-harming, and other not healthy coping skills. I also have sunk in to a “don’t care” mentality and skipped meal support today. I also would have skipped drop-in but I got convinced to go by a friend. I feel like, without him there helping me, I can’t do this on my own, so why try. Why put in the effort when all I’m going to do is fail? Seems like a waste of time to me.

I miss him. I miss our sessions together. But I’m not supposed to miss him, so this is just one more thing I am alone in dealing with. And the person who would normally help me deal is him, but obviously he can’t help with this, and I don’t know how to deal with this, so I’m engaging in damaging behaviours and I don’t really care about the hurt I am doing to my body because really, what does it matter?

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I May Not Always Be Right

Yeah so um, maybe I was lying the other night when I wrote things are fine. I didn’t mean to lie, I felt that at the time, but perhaps, possibly, just maaaaaybe that was me blocking that I wasn’t fine and doing my whole hiding behind a mask thing.

The only reason I say that is because I am sitting here, with a distended abdominal area, feeling super sick, after having a binge so large I am amazed my stomach didn’t literally explode. I haven’t had a binge this big in ages. It lasted hours. I couldn’t stop. The best I could do to make it not as bad as it could have been was at the last minute when driving home I cut across traffic so I could turn in to my neighbourhood instead of continuing on to the store where I had planned to buy allllllll the food.

Not like that stopped the binge though, I do have food in my place after all. I’m thinking I should rethink that, but that is something to ponder on a day when I’m not bloated, and a billion pounds heavier, and sick feeling, thanks to eating hours worth of food.

I’m not completely sure why it happened.

I had work, then group, then my team practice, then I got home and ate so much I should be rolling places not walking.

I didn’t say much in group, I had something I sort of but not really wanted to talk about. I might have brought it up but being there made me so sad I just wanted to disappear, not engage in the convo. I’m really struggling with the loss of my one-on-one counsellor. Last week was my first week without our session, this was the first group where he wasn’t there. Tonight it felt like there was this big void where he should be, but isn’t. Even though he was replaced by someone I like, I wish she would leave again if the trade off was getting him back. I know that is stupid. She has important stuff to teach and share and all that, hell, she is my case worker so she sorta has to be there for me to progress through the program. Its just I want him back.

While I was sitting in group someone said something, I wish I could remember what, and it got me thinking I might share, so I started thinking of how I would start my talking and I realize my opening sentence would have no meaning to anyone except him. But he’s gone. So no one would get the significance of what I was saying, so I’d have to explain in more detail what was going on, and I wasn’t up for that. That realization made me feel so alone. No one there just gets me, and I didn’t really realize how much I liked having someone who understood me, until I had him for a short time and he left and I now feel the gap in my recovery support system of where he was.

It is like a chair. Has 4 legs. In theory they are all equally supporting the chair but maybe one is taking the brunt of the weight. Then that one leg is taken away and the chair falls because it doesn’t have enough support.

I’m the chair, he was that one leg.

I am in this place of not really giving a fuck about recovery. Am I happy I binged tonight? No, definitely not. Am I unhappy about it because it affects my recovery journey? Only in the sense that I don’t want to get fatter and would much rather be restricting. As long as this binge doesn’t turn in to an often thing and I can get back to restricting tomorrow, which shouldn’t be a problem, then all is good. At least by my standards.

Maybe not everyone is meant to recover. I mean, if losing one person from my recovery journey affects me so much, maybe it is better to just not take this journey and instead figure out a way to deal with my disorder in a functional way. Like how there are functioning pot heads, and functioning alcoholics. Maybe I can be like that, only with restricting.

It’s something to ponder…

Diet Pills

I couldn’t write you a comprehensive list of all the diet pills and supplements I’ve taken over the years if you offered to pay me for it. Not because I’m not willing to share but because there have been so many I can’t remember them all.

For the past year or so I’ve been using, off and on, the same ones. I say “off and on” because technically, in treatment, I’m not supposed to be taking them. Or I’m at least supposed to be actively working at not taking them. Sometimes I do that. Sometimes I say fuck it as I pop em in my mouth.

Yes, I know diet pills are not regulated, or guaranteed to work, and are most likely harmful to my body, but, well, in the moment none of that matters to me. I feel that stopping taking them daily to only taking them when I have had a binge is a vast improvement and frankly, I can’t envision a life where I don’t have some occasionally. I don’t understand how not everybody has some stashed away.

A couple weeks ago I was at an essential oils party and one of the oils is for weight loss, hunger suppressant, stuff like that. There is also an option to buy a diet pill version and a shake powder.

Uh hello, a new diet pill? Why don’t you just pass that brochure on over here k?

I took a look at the blurb written about them, talked to the lady selling them, and boom! Ordered a bottle.

The stupid things are so not cheap, and I really can’t afford them. But the promise of a pill that will help suppress my appetite and make me skinny was too much to pass up.

I must have been feeling conflicted about it because I had a doc’s appointment last week and mentioned it to him. This is a shrink doc, not a body doc, I see him once every six weeks as part of my recovery program.

So yeah, he asked about my pill usage, and I told him, and then I mentioned how I bought a new one but hadn’t gotten it yet. He strongly suggested I cancel the order before I have the pills in my possession. I didn’t agree or disagree, just made some non-committal noise.

I honestly hadn’t thought I could cancel them, I’d given my word I was ordering them, I can’t go back on that, right?

I decided to let fate decide. The next day I texted the lady and asked if the order had gone in yet. She said no. I asked her to cancel my order as I had some unexpected expenses and couldn’t afford them – yes, I lied, deal with it. She asked if it would be ok to check with me in a month or so to see if I wanted them then. I said yes, mostly out of politeness, but I guess also so I don’t feel like the opportunity is lost to me forever.

I don’t know how I feel about cancelling the order. Money wise I feel relieved, I really can’t afford them. But the rest of me doesn’t feel happy about it. I guess I feel conflicted? I want the pills. I can give you a ton of arguments why I should have the pills. I honestly can’t give you one single argument for not having the pills except the shrink said to cancel the order. The decision was definitely not one made by me from a recovery mindset. I guess that doesn’t matter too much, as the result is the same, except it pisses me off that other people can buy these pills and try them, and what if these are the diet pills that really do work and I miss out on them, but I can’t buy them, all because of my eating disorder.

It doesn’t help that I’m having a horrible, and I mean horrible, body image day, and my stomach has been hurting every time I eat something for two days now, and I’m sliding down in to sadness – that is something that happens now and then. I can feel it happening but have no way to stop it, sigh. And apparently I am the equivalent of a pouty toddler because dammit, I want them *stomps foot*

Which, if I am being logical, is the perfect reason to not have them. I want them too much. And if I’m being honest I don’t need help suppressing my appetite, I barely have an appetite as-is *rolls eyes*

I still want them though…

Being An Island

I’ve always prided myself in my being an emotional island. Sure I rely on other people for things at times, it is the nature of society, we all do. You don’t see me out there farming or refining oil so I can have food or gas for my car do you? But in a lot of ways I have kept myself apart.

 

I give the illusion of being connected to people, and places, and groups, but in reality none of those people know me all that well, they just don’t realize it because I am the funny one, the one that keeps others entertained, the low maintenance one that I am sure is completely forgotten once I am not in the room.

My keeping myself apart is a learned behaviour, one that is so ingrained I don’t know any other way of being. There have been times over the years where I let someone in a little bit, and it always comes back to bite me on the ass, reminding me why I don’t get close to people in the first place.

Well, looks like I needed to relearn that lesson, sigh.

I already wrote about how my counsellor leaving has messed me up, it would seem the fallout from him leaving is wider spread than even I would have predicted.

Having to come to terms with his leaving has made me realize how much I have come to rely on him and our sessions. He is the only human being on the entire planet I have ever spoken to about deep shit, and our sessions together were a touchstone for me each week. I knew if something really fucked up happened I could speak to him about it when I saw him. I knew if I was depressed, confused, mad, whatever, I could talk to him about it. And somehow, along the way, while having someone to talk to still confused me, I also came to rely on it and look forward to it.

What a stupid, idiotic, fucked up, move that was.

I am so mad at myself for forgetting all the hard learned lessons that taught me relying or counting on someone is a bad bad bad idea.

So now, here I am, going through this freakin emotional upset (which is so foreign to me I don’t even know where to start with processing it) when I know better and should never have let myself get this attached.

While ruminating on all this I realized that to a lesser extent I am relying on the groups I attend through my recovery program. The weekly drop-in, the meal support, I rely on them as other touchstones for my week, places I can go and be around other people with similar problems. Sometimes I get support from those groups, sometimes they leave me angry, or sad, or not feeling anything at all, regardless of how they leave me feeling I keep going back. I think I rely on the structure of them, to some degree I rely on the people running them, and the others that attend the groups.

I seem to have turned in to one big soft suck who relies on all sorts of people and groups to function during the week.

And that shit has to stop. Now.

With my counsellor leaving I am feeling lost, alone, like I can’t deal with this shit on my own and I’m gonna flounder as soon as our last session ends. So how much worse will it be when I time out of the program? When all of a sudden all the groups, and support, and structure is out of my life?

If I can’t deal with losing one person, I’m royally fucked when I lose them all.

That isn’t acceptable.

So I’m pulling back. I’m pulling back and creating distance because it is better for me to do it, better for me to be the strong one who backs away and maintains some level of self-respect, than for them to all leave first and me feel lost, and sad, and unable to cope. I need to be able to be on my own again when this program is done. I need to be able to handle shit, and move on, and how am I supposed to believe in my own ability to take care of things on my own if I am busy wallowing in depression because I am now on my own?

So I’m stepping back. Distancing myself emotionally from the whole thing. Putting the walls back up.

It is safer, and smarter, and better to do this before I’m even done in the program so its not a big deal when I leave.

What sucks is, I hadn’t realized how much I was relying on the program, and now that I’m stepping back emotionally I worry that what if I have become so weak from relying on it that I can’t handle shit on my own anymore? And why does going back behind my wall make me feel almost desperate, like someone who had a brief taste of freedom and is now being put back in a cell?

I never felt trapped by how I was before, I felt strong for being able to be apart from others. But sometimes I feel sad about going back to how I was, even though it is the smarter choice. I’m not sure why I feel this way, but I’m sure it’ll go away over time.

 

Not A Great Day

The title says it all. Today is not a great day. I woke up in a blah mood, not really wanting to face the world but having things I had to do so out I went. I really should have never left the apartment, ugh. I am easily irritated today, have no patience, am near tears, and just want to hide from everyone and everything.

At the same time part of me just doesn’t care. I was driving earlier, saw a car coming, turned anyways, cut them off, they were blowing their horn at me, it was a dumb ass move that could have caused an accident and yet…I just don’t care. I didn’t care when I did it, I don’t care now, I am numb.

I had a work lunch, they served Malaysian food, I took a random assortment of things, mostly things in sauces that spread out a lot so my plate looked like it had more food on it than it really did. I also purposefully took a serving of the pork dish, pretending I didn’t realize it was pork, so when I sat down and “discovered” the pork I could be all shocked and dismayed and nobody blinked at me not eating that part of my food – they all know I don’t eat pork. Yay for being good at deceiving people I guess…

I went to a drop in meeting last Monday for people with ED. I have been on a waiting list for 4 months to get some sort of help, frankly I kinda thought they forgot about me, so I was plugging along, doing my own thing, losing weight and doing ok when out of nowhere they called. I had an info session type of thing, learned the rules etc, and then had my first group meeting. I start actual classes or something in January but until then I am required to attend minimum 2 drop in sessions per month. There are 3 different types of drop in session and I can pick any combo of the three types I want.

The one I went to is a Weekly Support Group. The other two are a Weekly Relaxation / Meditation Group and a Weekly Meal Support Group.

The Weekly Support Group was ok I guess. A bunch of people with various eating disorders sitting around talking about all kinds of things with a shrink and a dietitian sitting with us for mediation / information / feedback. It was weird to hear other people talking about behaviours that I do, or about having the same thoughts that I think. It isn’t like I thought I was the only person who had these thoughts or behaviours or issues but I’ve never talked openly to anyone about them and never heard other people talking openly about what they do.

Since that meeting though, my restrictive eating has increased. I had gotten to what I thought of as a decent balance of food, not too much food, not too little food, for me. This past week though it seems like there is no end to situations that occur that end with me eating something I shouldn’t, and all the restricting I have been doing has not been enough compensation, resulting in my having gained weight this week. 😦

I knew I had gained weight, I could feel that I had, and I am freakin miserable about it. Seeing that number on the scale go up makes me want to cry, or punch something, or not care when I drive, or binge, or purge, or restrict more, or engage in any number of not good for me activities.

So ever since weigh-in today I’ve been struggling. Before weigh-in I was just in a bad mood, since weigh-in I am in a destructive mood. On my way home part of me was all “might as well drive to a bakery and get allllll the food!” while another part of me was all “no food! for minimum 24 hours! must fix this!”

I don’t know which part to listen to, eat everything, eat nothing…I just don’t know.

I compromised, when I got home I took a Cayenne Pepper extract and a Green Tea extract. You are supposed to take them when eating a meal but it was pretty soon after my work lunch so I hoped it would still count. The combo is supposed to help you metabolize your food faster. I decided that if it seemed like they had worked, and if later in the day I feel hungry, I would allow myself some vegetables. If they didn’t seem to work then I would just drink lots of water, tea, and diet coke and wait to eat until sometime tomorrow afternoon.

I’m so mad at going up 1.8lbs in weight when I’ve been working so hard and as of last week had lost 18lbs. Now I feel like I have to start all over.

sad

What To Say…

I’ve come here and written and then deleted so many posts lately, or sometimes I just come, open a new post and stare at the white screen not knowing where to start. It is frustrating wanting to write but not knowing what I want to say, or knowing what I want to say but not being able to express it well enough to hit “publish”.

I’ve been having a tough time lately, dealing with family stuff, personal stuff, work stuff, just stuff. And yeah, I know everyone has shit to deal with but ya know, some people are better at dealing than others. I know with some things I am great at dealing and other things not so much, shrug, its just how I am I guess.

I ran in to an ex the other day and by some weird fluke I wasn’t looking horrible. It was a race day so I was in my team jersey and yoga pants with all my gear on and I had just finished a race so I wasn’t exactly looking glamorous but since he competes in the same sport he knows what people look like after a race. My team ranked higher than his, which is a first, he was always the one on a better ranking team and he never let me forget it. The thing that stuck with me from that chance encounter is that he has gained weight. Not like some massive amount or anything, but definitely gained. I know noticing and commenting on that makes me seem petty and juvenile but just so you know my side of things, when we were dating he used to tell me I had better not get fat and if I gained weight he would dump me, so sorry if it is rude but it made me grin seeing he got bigger.

Another thing that happened, I was with friends, friends who know I am trying to lose weight but who don’t know I have an ed. There was a huuuuge box of TimBits and one of my friends took the box and shoved it in my face and taunted me, trying to get me to eat them. I kept saying no, which was sooooo freakin hard, and she kept doing it, with others chiming in! I had already eaten 4 which is waaaaaay over the amount I should have eaten and knew I was headed for a binge later in the evening if I wasn’t careful, in fact I was already planning a route home that would take me past a Tim Horton’s so I could buy my own box, scarf them all down, and have no one be the wiser. Ugh. So anyways, there they were, doing their damndest to get me to eat all the TimBits and somehow I managed to stick to my guns and not eat them…well, anymore than the four I already mentioned I ate.

I am pretty mad that they wouldn’t leave me alone but at the same time they don’t know my struggle so how can I expect them to know not to do that? And also, even if they did know my struggle, I don’t want people to have to feel like they have to handle me with kids gloves ya know? I want to be strong enough to deal with whatever comes my way and not internally freak out, or get depressed, or binge as a way to deal. I’m not there yet but maybe one day…

I’ve been feeling really sad lately, for no apparent reason, so I’m putting it down to being in one of my slumps. They happen sometimes and they suck. I can feel when they are starting but have never been able to stop one from starting. It is like being sucked down in to a dark pit, you see you are at the edge and you see the ground crumbling under your feet but you can’t care enough to step back, you just watch as you fall and hope that eventually you figure out how to climb out of the pit. I’ve always managed to climb out eventually but I’m pretty sure one day I won’t be able to…not sure what will happen then…

I’m still losing weight, so that’s good. Not as quickly as I want but hey, down is better than maintaining or going up! Also, if I lose the weight a bit slower people won’t notice it as quickly which means I’ll have fewer people worried or trying to sabotage my efforts so all-in-all, slow might be a better choice for right now. It sucks because I am impatient and want to lose it all right away but I’m trying to focus on slow being better rather than my impatience…I’m not always good at it but I’m trying…

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waist

The Depth

I did better than I thought I would when I went home for Christmas. I managed on multiple days to restrict my calories to a number that didn’t scare the crap out of me and the days I did eat more calories than I am comfie with were days I knew that was going to happen and I did my best to plan ahead for that. By plan ahead I mean mentally plan ahead, there wasn’t much I could do to physically counter act the calories.

A bonus is that even though I was eating more than I was comfie with when I compared the amounts I was eating to what other people were eating I was still eating way less. I use what other people eat as a baseline for my food quantities. If I am eating way less than what other people are eating, even if I am eating more than I feel comfie with, I don’t go in to complete and utter freak-out because I know it could be lots worse.

That might not make any sense to anybody else but it does to me, shrug.

Since I’ve been back though I’ve been pretty down. Not about being back, I am glad to be back, I’m just down about, well, I’m not completely certain what…I’m just down…

I should be happy. I know I should be but I can’t force it, not when it is just me and my laptop. Tomorrow I will fake it, for the entire time I am at work no one will know anything is less than perfect but for now, I’m down.

I feel I am sinking, going down in to the depth of, well, where ever the hell it is I always seem to go when down. Right now I am envisioning it as me sinking down in to a bottomless ocean, the water is a dark blue, it is the same temperature as me so it doesn’t make me feel anything, and instead of floating I keep sinking, farther away from the light, and I can’t even bring myself to care that I’m leaving the light behind, the warmth of the sun, the oxygen I need to live.

I just don’t care.

I keep sinking, the farther down I go the more numb I get. I am still sad, that hasn’t gone away, but the water helps to make it harder to feel the sadness. I know it is still there, lurking, but it can’t affect me, the water keeps me safe from the sadness while also blocking any of the good things from getting through.

A very small part of me knows that I should be fighting this, that I should do anything and everything I can to stop myself from sinking any lower, and to fight to get myself back to the light but that part of me is so small and easy to ignore and well, I don’t know how. It would take so much work and it is so much easier to curl up in a ball and sleep, or watch Netflix and ignore the world…which is pretty much all I’ve been doing all day…

I think I’ll go to bed and see if anything is different in the morning.

depth