Tag Archives: restrictive eating

Don’t Cave

I want chocolate.

Chocolate cake to be specific, but let’s be real here, I’m a binge eater (when I’m not a restrictive eater) and I’d happily take any and all chocolate I can get my hands on. And hey, if there isn’t chocolate around I’ll just take food, all the food, any food, in large quantities.

Holy fuck do I want to binge right now.

dontbingedontbingedontbingedontbingedontbingedontbingedontbingedontbinge

I do not need to binge. I ate more food today than on a normal day, but not more than a normal Sunday. Sundays are my weird day because of my schedule, I eat breakfast, lunch, and sometimes dinner. If not dinner then maybe a snack. The breakfast and lunch I eat don’t change (oatmeal for brekkie, salad with grilled chicken for lunch). Not exciting but it doesn’t send me in to a giant stress ball so I’m happy to stick with it. If I eat dinner that can change, and actually varies widely. Some weeks I go high protein, other weeks I lean towards carbs, and then other weeks I eat something stupid like ice cream. *rolls eyes* The weeks I like best are the weeks I don’t indulge in dinner.

This Sunday I had my breakfast and lunch and when I got home I made dinner. It took about two hours, no, three hours, to convince myself to make and eat something and when I did I made scrambled eggs that I split between two mini tortilla wraps, I had spread a bit of light cream cheese on the inside of the wraps. Oh, and because I am supposed to be eating from all the freakin food groups each time I eat I ate a yoghurt. Yes I know adding a yoghurt doesn’t get me all the food groups but it gets me closer to all of them and sometimes you have to take the little wins.

After I ate I wanted to immediately get up and eat more food, which sometimes happens when I eat so I know to ignore it because it’ll go away.

Tonight it didn’t go away.

All I want to do is eat. I can practically see myself eating something, ice cream, toast, cereal, pretty much anything. I can envision it all and I want it all. Lucky for me I don’t have many foods in my place so indulging in this binge craving would require I go to the store and that is soooooo not happening!

I’m hoping by saying that so firmly I don’t cave and go to the store…

I think part of my wanting to binge is because I hurt and when I’m in pain I either want to eat for comfort or I don’t want to eat cause the pain is making me feel sick. My hips have been seriously aching for days. Yesterday it was so bad I took pain meds at work because I couldn’t function. Today isn’t as bad so I’m hoping by tomorrow it will have faded away even more, but just because its faded doesn’t mean it isn’t still there and it makes me want comfort type things…like food and heating pads. I am indulging in the heating pad, but refusing the food.

Logically I know that eating won’t make the pain better, all it will do is make me feel nauseous because for sure I’ll over eat and it will make me feel guilty and hate myself. So emotional pain on top of physical pain, not a good thing to do to oneself.

Does it count as personal growth that I realize the binge won’t help and am trying to fight against it?

Something else I have noticed is that some days when I eat more than normal instead of feeling fuller for longer and not wanting food again as soon I sometimes feel hungrier sooner and feel like I need to eat more often. What’s with that? I feel that if I eat, especially if it is me eating dinner (like tonight) that should fill me up and I shouldn’t want to eat, or feel the need to eat, until at least mid-morning tomorrow but my stomach doesn’t seem to know that and gets all growly and demanding before the evening is even over.

So not cool. 😦

I’m gonna go have a shower then go to bed early, sleep through this hunger (and hip pain). Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow the urge to binge is over cause I gotta tell you, if it isn’t, I just may end up going to a bakery after work tomorrow and then I’ll really hate myself.

in the moment

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The Scale

The scale is whack yo.

Yes, apparently I am a 90’s, white boy from suburbia who thinks he is cool today…

Ok not really.

But the scale is pretty fucked up. Or is it me?

My “official” weigh-in is Thursdays. I go to a WW meeting and stand on a scale and if I am asked by someone that week what I weigh, that number is the one I will give. I do however weigh myself at home, often.

My home scale and the WW scale don’t ever match. My home scale usually has me one pound lower than the WW scale, sometimes a pound and a half. You don’t know how fucking irritating it is to see a number on my scale at home the morning of weigh-in and then get to weigh-in and see it up by 1 to 1.5 pounds. Even though I know that increase will be partly due to my clothes, and the humidity in the weigh-in room, and that I hadn’t just right the second before stepping on that scale gone to the bathroom, it doesn’t matter. It pisses me off that my “official” weigh-in is higher than my home scale.

Anyways!

I’m getting on to a tangent, sorry…

So, I knew last Thursday my weight would be up, it wasn’t a great week for me food and exercise wise. There was way more food than there should have been and nowhere near the amount of exercise there should have been and all that results in my becoming an even fatter version of myself.

Lovely.

Two days before my official weigh-in I pulled out the metabolism boosters. I had put them in the back of a cupboard thinking I could stop using them. Apparently I was wrong.

Took some of those.

Then the day before weigh-in I stopped eating so I would be in a state of fasting when I got to the scale and I took some laxatives. I had also put those in the back of the cupboard thinking I could stop using them. You’re probably not shocked to hear I was wrong about that also.

The thing is, I know taking the laxatives isn’t a guaranteed method for helping me before a weigh-in. The box says within 6 hours of taking them I’ll be relieving myself but that timeline never pans out for me.

For me, I ended up going to weigh-in with abdominal pain, I was gassy feeling, felt bloated, and I hadn’t gone to the bathroom.

Why do I take these things?? Or at least why do I wait to take them until the day prior? I should be taking them two days prior but noooooo, I pop em the day before weigh-in, essentially screwing myself over. Ugh.

So yeah, my official weigh-in had me up. Not shocking. It had me up a lot though which was disheartening.

I tried to convince myself it was because I wore a long shirt instead of a tank top, and that the humidity was killing me, and that I hadn’t pooped yet. But really, I ate bad that past week, and I didn’t exercise as much as normal, so the gain was deserved.

Later that same day the laxatives kicked in, yay! I still had abdominal pain but the being bloated and gassy went away after some toilet visits. That evening I stepped on the scale, I normally don’t step on it in the evening cause it messes with my head, but I wanted to see if the bathroom visits had made a difference.

They had not.

In fact, I was up even more than in the morning! I started freaking out, was the scale just going to keep going up and up and up? Was all that food cementing itself in to my fat cells never to leave my body?

I came up with a panicked plan about how to fix all this damage I did by eating the previous week. Not a rational normal person plan, but a back to eating no more than 700 calories a day and popping metabolism boosters like they are candy and exercising every single day sort of plan. Soooo, not a good plan. *rolls eyes*

But hey, do I get points for realizing it wasn’t a good plan?

Probably not…sigh.

I stepped on the scale again today (Friday). The day after my official weigh-in. I don’t know what I was expecting. I mean, yeah, I under ate yesterday, but one day of under eating wasn’t going to take away all that gain on the scale. I guess I just wanted to keep an eye on things.

Well holy shit, the scale changed, and it had gone down! It showed me back at the weight I was at 2 weeks ago.

Thank all the gods!

Now to not screw up the magical loss of those pounds so I can be down on my official weigh-in day next week…

I am not sure if I should villianize the pills because yes ok, they didn’t help me on weigh-in day but ultimately I was down by the day after, so maybe if I’d taken the metabolism boosters on the Monday and the laxatives on the Tuesday I would have had the Wednesday to be gassy etc, and then I might have been down for the Thursday weigh-in?

I don’t know. I get so confused.

Either way, I was in a pretty good mood today once I saw the scale number was down. Though I’m starting to worry about tomorrow and what it will say when I step on it then…seriously, does this cycle ever fucking end?

be perfect

You Know When…

You know when you’ve eaten so little during the day that scarfing down two cookies at work doesn’t even put you close to being at your max calories or weight watcher points for the day?

Yeah…that was me today. I didn’t purposefully try to restrict, I just seem to naturally eat less than others. Which works out ok for me when I end up eating something stupid like cookies lol

I had thought I ate a lot but was so busy at work today I didn’t have time to actually track my food, I had just been keeping mental track, knowing I’d get it all in the apps later. Well, later came when I got home, so I sat down and got to work inputting all my food for the day.

At home I had:

1/2 C oatmeal, topped with 2T PB2 and 1T brown sugar

2 pieces of brown toast (bread is a weakness of mine, don’t judge!)

Then at work I had:

Salad, topped with 6 prawns, some fruit, some roasted veggies, 1/4C cottage cheese, and 1t sliced almonds.

2 shortbread cookies

The salad was made for me by the chef so I didn’t have any say what was on it. If I had made it there would not have been any almonds, or cottage cheese, and probably less of the fruit and veg, really, just less of everything. But he made it and I wasn’t going to pick it apart in front of him so I ended up eating it. It was huuuuuge, but so tasty, and because it was so big it was super filling, which I guess is why I felt like I had eaten so much food today.

So going with calories, because that number will mean more to people than my weight watcher tracking info, I ate 770 calories today.

Not so shabby.

But again, I wasn’t trying to eat in that range, it just sorta ended up being what I ate, and truthfully, that is roughly how I eat every day. Now sure, some days are different, I might have an egg and two slices of turkey bacon instead of the oatmeal, but it all kinda averages out.

Wait! I lied! I forgot I had 1C corn flakes and 1/2C 1% milk as a snack.

So see, not as bad as it seemed, I ate 872 calories today. Which actually I don’t like because it is too close to 900 and when I eat 900 or more I freak out and get a tad stressed. *rolls eyes* So annoying!

I guess I’m not really going anywhere with this, I’m just using writing to realize that I naturally tend to eat low calorie most days and I really need to track to know for sure how much I’ve eaten because if asked I would have said I over ate today, when the numbers show I haven’t.

Oh the things to ponder…but not now, now I am going to bed!

think

There are other things to think about??

Flare Up

So apparently the stress of an upcoming first session at ED counselling makes all sorts of ED behaviours flare up to crazy levels. sigh.

This past week and a half I was either restricting more than I had been or wanting to binge eat soooooo much. I knew I was freaking out about today but knowing why I was going crazy didn’t help me to stop going crazy or stop the urges or stop the behaviours.

Why does self-awareness not help stop the urges and behaviours? Seems if I am going to be looking internally at myself and figuring shit out the least that could come from it is lessened ED behaviours.

I guess I am asking for too much *rolls eyes*

So this first 7 weeks is Education Group. Today was sort of an intro to what to expect for the entire 7 weeks as well as talking a bit about why we develop eating disorders, what purpose they can serve, things like that. The group is run by two people and they divided us up in to groups to work together on some little projects. I didn’t mind the two other people in my group but oh man there is a woman in the larger group that I wanted to smack. She is so full of anger and has what appears to be absolutely no control of her anger. Ugh. She is constantly muttering under her breath, swearing, making sharp angry movements and noises when something is said she doesn’t like.

I get it, this process is most likely gonna suck, and she learned today that there is no guarantee of recovery and even if you do recover there is a chance of relapsing and you can even get part way through recovery, say move from Stage 1 to Stage 2 and then relapse back to Stage 1 before moving forward again to eventually reach Stage 3. I don’t see why learning this admittedly sucky information necessitated her behaving so demonstratively and so immaturely.

I guess I shouldn’t judge her too harshly since it has only been one session, and I will try to have a more open mind in regards to her behaviour next week but I really hope she doesn’t keep acting like this.

On another note we are supposed to make sure we are nourished before coming to the session so that we are better able to learn and pay attention. Uh, hello, I’ve been restricting my food for years, I am perfectly capable of learning when malnourished lol I don’t usually eat before noon so no way am I eating before going to this session, it starts at 10am! Who eats that early?? They provide Boost and some sort of bar, maybe a granola bar, not too sure as I went nowhere near either item. If we don’t eat prior, or if we feel the need to eat we are supposed to help ourselves. We are also welcome to bring our own snacks and eat while in the session, as long as we aren’t disruptive about it.

I don’t know why but this strikes me as ridiculous.

Eating some sort of Boost drink or bar when I don’t have the nutritional information is so not gonna happen! And bringing a snack and eating it in front of others? No thanks! Or even just eating in general at that time of day? Nuh-uh!

I’m curious to see if anyone else eats something in front of the group…

hate

stress

Not A Great Day

The title says it all. Today is not a great day. I woke up in a blah mood, not really wanting to face the world but having things I had to do so out I went. I really should have never left the apartment, ugh. I am easily irritated today, have no patience, am near tears, and just want to hide from everyone and everything.

At the same time part of me just doesn’t care. I was driving earlier, saw a car coming, turned anyways, cut them off, they were blowing their horn at me, it was a dumb ass move that could have caused an accident and yet…I just don’t care. I didn’t care when I did it, I don’t care now, I am numb.

I had a work lunch, they served Malaysian food, I took a random assortment of things, mostly things in sauces that spread out a lot so my plate looked like it had more food on it than it really did. I also purposefully took a serving of the pork dish, pretending I didn’t realize it was pork, so when I sat down and “discovered” the pork I could be all shocked and dismayed and nobody blinked at me not eating that part of my food – they all know I don’t eat pork. Yay for being good at deceiving people I guess…

I went to a drop in meeting last Monday for people with ED. I have been on a waiting list for 4 months to get some sort of help, frankly I kinda thought they forgot about me, so I was plugging along, doing my own thing, losing weight and doing ok when out of nowhere they called. I had an info session type of thing, learned the rules etc, and then had my first group meeting. I start actual classes or something in January but until then I am required to attend minimum 2 drop in sessions per month. There are 3 different types of drop in session and I can pick any combo of the three types I want.

The one I went to is a Weekly Support Group. The other two are a Weekly Relaxation / Meditation Group and a Weekly Meal Support Group.

The Weekly Support Group was ok I guess. A bunch of people with various eating disorders sitting around talking about all kinds of things with a shrink and a dietitian sitting with us for mediation / information / feedback. It was weird to hear other people talking about behaviours that I do, or about having the same thoughts that I think. It isn’t like I thought I was the only person who had these thoughts or behaviours or issues but I’ve never talked openly to anyone about them and never heard other people talking openly about what they do.

Since that meeting though, my restrictive eating has increased. I had gotten to what I thought of as a decent balance of food, not too much food, not too little food, for me. This past week though it seems like there is no end to situations that occur that end with me eating something I shouldn’t, and all the restricting I have been doing has not been enough compensation, resulting in my having gained weight this week. 😦

I knew I had gained weight, I could feel that I had, and I am freakin miserable about it. Seeing that number on the scale go up makes me want to cry, or punch something, or not care when I drive, or binge, or purge, or restrict more, or engage in any number of not good for me activities.

So ever since weigh-in today I’ve been struggling. Before weigh-in I was just in a bad mood, since weigh-in I am in a destructive mood. On my way home part of me was all “might as well drive to a bakery and get allllll the food!” while another part of me was all “no food! for minimum 24 hours! must fix this!”

I don’t know which part to listen to, eat everything, eat nothing…I just don’t know.

I compromised, when I got home I took a Cayenne Pepper extract and a Green Tea extract. You are supposed to take them when eating a meal but it was pretty soon after my work lunch so I hoped it would still count. The combo is supposed to help you metabolize your food faster. I decided that if it seemed like they had worked, and if later in the day I feel hungry, I would allow myself some vegetables. If they didn’t seem to work then I would just drink lots of water, tea, and diet coke and wait to eat until sometime tomorrow afternoon.

I’m so mad at going up 1.8lbs in weight when I’ve been working so hard and as of last week had lost 18lbs. Now I feel like I have to start all over.

sad

From One To The Other

Anybody who has been following this blog for any length of time knows I go from binge eating to restricting and eventually back again with occasional bouts of normal eating here and there. Cause ya know, gotta keep things interesting 😉

Yesterday allllll I wanted to do was binge. I contemplated writing a post on here but I knew all it would say, over and over again, was: “I want to binge” and really, what is the point of that?

I had a baby binge, and I am mad at myself for it, but I am trying to accept that I did it and move on. Easier said than done but hey, I said I was trying, not succeeding. 😛

Today is the opposite. I had lunch plans with a friend, then we were hitting up a movie, then I was supposed to make dinner and go to practice.

I met with the friend as planned and I ate part of the meal I ordered. It was a grilled veggie sandwich and came with a side salad. I ate most of the sandwich – thank goodness for lunch sized items on menus and had a nibble of the salad.

Because it is a restaurant meal and I can’t properly track the nutritional information (it is also one of those backwards places that doesn’t provide you with that info either in the restaurant or on their website, sigh) that automatically means I won’t eat the rest of the day.

Those are my rules.

However, I had practice in the evening and if I don’t eat something closer to practice time than that lunch was I won’t make it through. Arg. So annoying.

So when I got home I measured and weighed out a light dinner, convincing myself it was ok because I was about to burn it off so it hardly counts.

I don’t really believe that justification but I ate the food and then pushed super hard at practice and haven’t eaten since.

Roughly, taking in to account I could be waaaaay off with my restaurant calculations, I’ve eaten about 800 calories today.

I’m not really sure how I feel about that. Normally when I am restricting I limit myself to 780 calories or less in a day but that restaurant bread really screwed me over. 😦

I know I will restrict for at least a couple more days to compensate for what I ate yesterday, not sure if after that I will end up fighting the urge to binge or if I will level off and eat more normally for a bit or what, I never know how a day is going to go until I am living it.

Earlier in the day I was sad, for no reason I could figure, just…sad. I had sad memes all ready for the post cause they were so perfect for how I was feeling but right now I am doing ok. Restricting usually helps my mood…except for when it makes me super bitchy and I want to kill people 😉 I guess because I feel more in control when restricting, more like I am working towards my goal, being pro-active in getting what I want. That is my current theory anyways…no real proof to back it up…

happy

Happy thinspo pic to go with my mood.

On a side note, I have lost 6.2lbs which is the equivalent to 3 racks of baby back ribs. If you’ve been losing weight and want to see what it is equivalent to go to http://www.ilostwhat.com and give it a go. It can be kinda funny to see what it says.

No Words

Do you ever want to talk because you are going through something but you can’t find the words, you don’t even know what exactly you are going through, you just know you are miserable, but since you have no words to elocute what you are feeling, and aren’t really too sure yourself what it is you’re feeling, you just stay silent and the misery lingers, and grows, and when you aren’t able to distract yourself you find yourself sinking lower and lower into the misery?

That’s me. sigh.

I’m struggling but I know on the surface it doesn’t look like it. I’m still following the weight watchers program. I was away competing with my sports team this past weekend and managed to (1) not restrict and (2) not binge. I’ve been going to work and basically living my life.

But…

But it is all a struggle.

Now that I’m back home after being out of town with my team I find myself restricting. I’m not all the way down to not eating anything but I am under eating by a lot and I kinda don’t care.

I’m not sure what is driving me to restrict. I’ve never really tried to figure out why I restrict but this time I took some time to think about it and I realize I don’t know what is driving me to not eat.

I’m on the waiting list for the adult ed program, I was told the average wait time for a spot is three months and I’m not quite halfway in to that wait time. Most of the time I don’t mind that I haven’t been contacted yet but sometimes I wish I had some sort of help.

The program isn’t an inpatient program, it is a three times a week group meeting sort of thing, from my understanding anyways. Every now and then, kind of frequently lately, I almost wish I was sick enough to be put in an inpatient program. I know realistically that will never happen. For one thing I am not that sick, two, I can’t go inpatient, I have bills and a cat to take care of, three, nobody knows I struggle so nobody will ever notice I need help and reach out to someone on my behalf.

Its weird, I don’t want inpatient, but sometimes I do because maybe I wouldn’t have to be dealing with this feeling as much. I think it might be nice to have someone to lean on…I’m probably wrong though.

I’m rambling, and I know I’m rambling, but I can’t help it. My head is a jumbled place to be and I have nobody to talk to…not that I really know what I want to say…I just…sigh, I’m messed up in my head…

not ok

skinnier