Category Archives: weight loss

Tired

I’m tired.

All. The. Time.

I wish I was a cat who could just sleep my days away, but unfortunately I have responsibilities to deal with that force me out of bed much earlier than I want and make me stay up later than I would like.

Then there is the whole problem of not getting a decent sleep when I am finally in bed.

What’s with that?

Seems like some mean trick, not being able to get a decent sleep even though I am so tired.

It was recommended to me I cut out some of my caffeine, so my last drink of the day is now decaf.

It sucks balls.

It also makes me feel tired earlier, which was sorta the point I guess.

The lack of caffeine in that last drink of the day has not magically made it so I can sleep better, or get to sleep faster, or really had any affect on my sleep.

All I notice is I now have more trouble functioning during the day because I am low on caffeine, or at least lower than my norm.

After my friend died I had a two day binge fest. Since then I’ve been a bit more in control of things. Some days I am eating more than I think I should, but not as much as my dietitian wants me to eat. Most days I am still under eating by quite a bit more than I tell my dietitian, I don’t want her to freak out at me. I am also going to the gym more – although that is partially a lie cause last week I was hardly there. A combination of grief, a change in schedule, and really bad cramps kept me away. I plan on recommitting this week though.

I had hoped by going to the gym more I could lose a dress size in time for my one work’s Christmas party but that binge, plus the lack of gym time, has screwed that up for me. So I’ll be as fat as I am right now at the party, which sucks.

I haven’t lost my collarbone, or my shoulder bones, which pleases me. And my hip bones are more noticeable but not as noticeable as I want. I’m getting there though! I’m worried Christmas, well, the month of December really, will derail me, it did last year. The gym will be handy for that, to offset extra food I might eat. I have to be careful though, don’t want to eat more because I think I have a buffer or something.

This post is all over the place, because I am tired and can’t seem to keep a single thought in my head for long before it gets replaced by a new one.

Seriously missing my caffeine right now.

ribs and hips

Goals

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Meal Plan

I was given a meal plan to follow, starting August 23rd.

So far I have sucked balls at following it.

I have an appointment with the nutritionist this coming Wednesday and I am dreading having to tell her I failed.

I have all these legit reasons for why it hasn’t happened yet, why I’m not following this meal plan, but I think she won’t see them as reasons, only excuses.

I couldn’t start following the meal plan the same day I got it because I didn’t have the food in my place to be able to follow it. Then I went out of town and my eating was all over the place because of being away. When I got back I had gained 1.5 pounds and I had to lose that before I could start some meal plan that had me eating more on a daily basis then I usually do. I can’t start off a meal plan when I am up on the scale, how will I ever lose that weight I gained from the weekend?

Hey now, don’t go judging my logic, it makes sense to me!

Then I was finally down on the scale but still didn’t have the right food in my place. Add to that the whole high potassium thing I’m going through. I can’t just eat what I want I have to be checking the potassium levels of everything and I gotta say, that is screwing with me.

I like spinach, spinach is high potassium, I am no longer supposed to have spinach, but I can’t just swap in some other type of lettuce where I would normally eat spinach, so now the choice is do I eat the spinach anyways and get some dark leafy greens or do I not eat any type of lettuce?

le sigh.

I’m having this issue with a bunch of foods.

So yeah, I have this meal plan, and I’m not following it.

Today was my first real attempt to follow it. I didn’t do great, but at least I sorta tried, that maybe counts for something…

I didn’t eat within 1.5 hours of getting up (that is rule number 1 from her), but I did eventually eat (which sounds stupid but isn’t). When I eventually ate something it was an actual meal, with food groups!

I had a two egg omelette with 1 tablespoon of shredded cheese inside. I topped it with 1 tablespoon of salsa (which I am trying to figure out if that counts as a veg serving…), I also had toast (that is an easy one for me), and a yoghurt (NOT an easy one for me). I was also supposed to have a fruit and a meat, but maybe the egg counts as a meat? I’m not clear on the rules…wait! I just checked, the eggs do count as meat so score for me!

I couldn’t fit a fruit it with that meal, it was too much food already, but I ate a nectarine about 3 hours later.

Then I went to work out for a couple hours.

Then the big dilemma.

When I got home from working out I didn’t want to eat. I wasn’t feeling hungry, I was feeling like any food I ingested would be taking away all the gains I got from my work out, I didn’t want my work out to be wasted because I ate after, ya know?

So I literally paced my kitchen, back and forth, back and forth, do I eat, don’t I eat, should I eat, should I not eat, I’m not hungry, I have been told my hunger signals suck and I need to eat on schedule, I already missed the scheduled time to eat so no point in eating now, eating now is better then not eating at all, I’ve eaten too much today, you haven’t eaten as much as you promised you would when you were given the meal plan, food will make me gain weight, you need to fuel your body, I don’t want to eat, it doesn’t matter what you want, I am in charge of what my body gets, you have to give your body what it needs, I don’t need more food today, yes you do, I’m not hungry, you’ll feel hungry soon and you might binge then, I could just go to bed early, you’ll sleep better if you eat something first…and so on…

Eventually I settled on something, and ended up with a meal that had, get this…food groups! And not just one!

I had a small tortilla wrap with some coleslaw (no dressing), home made turkey salad mix, and a small amount of shredded cheddar cheese.

That is grain, meat, veg, and dairy, all in one!

I ate it. I still wasn’t feeling hungry when I ate it and eating when I don’t feel hungry goes against everything I believe in doing but I said I’d try to follow the meal plan and so far I haven’t and eating this meal put me closer to following then not eating would have done.

Honestly, I still wish I hadn’t eaten anything. I’d be feeling better about myself and not paranoid that as I sit here typing that food is turning to fat and making me bigger.

But at least this way I can go to my meeting next week and say I sort of, kinda, in a way, tried to follow the plan.

Official Weigh-In

Every Thursday I have what I think of as my Official Weigh-In. I weigh myself everyday at home but my scale is not as accurate as a scale I have access to on Thursdays so I use my daily at home weigh-ins as a guideline but if asked my weight or when I think of my weight I go by the number on the Thursday weigh-in.

My scale only goes by the 0.5 but this other scale gives much more accurate numbers, so instead of a ###.5 it might say ###.3, and accuracy is important!

Yesterday I put in a 14 hour work day and wasn’t home and in bed until almost 5am Thursday morning. When my alarm went off so I’d get up for weigh-in I hit “Stop” instead of “Snooze” and next thing I know I have missed my shot at being weighed in on the better scale.

Arg! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

So. Annoying.

Alas, the world isn’t going to end, but it does irritate me because despite my long work day yesterday and some poor food choices made I am pretty sure I still lost weight this week. One and a half pounds if you’re wondering.

Yay!

Down from my two pounds lost per week for the last two weeks but see, that is where the decimal point number comes in to play. My scale said I was down 1.5 pounds but it could be higher, like 1.8…it could also be lower, like 1.4 but let’s not focus on that k? ๐Ÿ˜‰

Another annoying thing about my scale is it always shows me as lower than the better scale. Now, this could be because I weigh myself at home right after going to the toilet and only wearing panties (sorry for the tmi) whereas the other scale has me wearing clothes. Oh the hardship of weighing in somewhere other than your own bathroom, le sigh.

I am always so much happier with the number on my scale than the more accurate scale, but only because it shows me as lower than what I suppose I actually am. The only time I lean towards thinking it is more truthful is one day last summer when it was super humid out. Inside my place it was still nice and cool but as soon as I got outside the humidity got me and by the time I got to my weigh-in my hair was frizzy and I could feel that my skin was retaining water, or is it that my body is retaining water? Either way, I could feeeeel the effects of the humidity, and the scale sure showed it! The lady weighing me said everyone was up that day due to the humidity and not to worry and I think she was right because the next week I was down all that I had “gained” plus some.

While I don’t have my official weigh-in results, thanks to missing my chance, I still know I went down because of what my scale showed me when I got up. I just don’t know for sure what I weigh right now, officially, and it is driving me a tad nuts lol I wanna know!

Not knowing though won’t be an excuse to go all crazy food wise. In fact I think it’ll just have me work harder so that next week when I step on the better scale I can have that much more of a loss.

Dedication. It sure can achieve results! ๐Ÿ˜€

ribs 4

3 Days

For three days in a row I lost 0.5 lbs a day! ๐Ÿ™‚ ย That’s 1.5 lbs in three days!

I know other people lose faster but for me that is freakin amazing! I weighed myself Friday and Saturday before work, those days I worked the late shift so I had slept in (ensuring I didn’t have to eat or realize I was skipping breakfast), had a quick step on the scale before getting ready for work, and was quite happy with where the number was going. I wasn’t going to weigh myself Sunday as I worked the early morning shift and I don’t like weighing myself at different times of the day – these things matter ok? For some reason I decided I would hop on the scale “just to see how it differs at 5:30am vs 12:30pm” and holy fuck I was down another half a pound.

Three days in a row!

I was practically beaming with pride.

What is annoying is there is nobody to tell and celebrate with. Nobody else would think this is a good thing, although I am over the moon happy about it.

I didn’t weigh myself today, I worked the early morning shift again and slept in so I didn’t have time to strip, pee, weigh myself, either celebrate with a happy dance or stare at myself in the mirror and criticize myself (if I had gone up), so I skipped the scale today.

I’m thinking I probably should have taken the time to weigh myself because today after work, and after my after work exercise, I ended up buying two different types of ice cream and ordering a burger and fries from a restaurant that has amazing burgers, sigh.

I ate the burger, the fries, and one Drumstick ice cream and holy fuck my stomach is so messed up now. It has been almost 6 hours since I ate the food and I can still feel it in my stomach! Why isn’t it going anywhere?? It is this lump of food, it is painful, my stomach is actually rounder (food baby anyone? ugh), I am so uncomfortable – and not just “omg I ate something my brain is panicking” uncomfortable, you know, the kind that is all a mental game that you can try to distract yourself from. Nope, this is actual physical discomfort that is making me feel sick, but not throwing up sick, just so not well in my stomach. I don’t have the words to describe how it feels, its just bad ok? It feels bad.

So all that happiness, that pride, that yay I am doing so well at losing weight and being so good with my restricting has come to an abrupt end. A brutal, fast, calorie dense, end.

Sigh.

Why do I always have to fuck up like this?

To top it off I cancelled my appointment with my nutritionist for this week, and tomorrow I will be calling to cancel my being at group session this week. In my defense this isn’t a random decision, I got offered a 12 hour work day for that day and I really need the money so I would have cancelled a visit with the Pope in order to take the work. It does suck that I’m cancelling two recovery related things though…except, does it suck? It should suck. If this was two weeks ago I’d probably be bummed, hell, I might have convinced myself to not take the work, but it’s been a little while since I’ve had a one-on-one cause of scheduling and I barely said two words in group last week so it was almost like not being there, and well, I’ve sorta distanced myself emotionally from the whole process.

I’m debating staying in the recovery program. I don’t know that it is for me. I think I was becoming too reliant on having people that I saw on a regular basis when really, I need to learn how to stand on my own, how to cope with stuff by myself. I think I’ve gotten a bit better, I don’t binge nearly as much now, and that is what I wanted help with. My restricting has become the more prominent behaviour which is helping me lose weight and that was the end goal I wanted – not necessarily to be restricting more but to be binge eating less so I’d lose the weight I put on from binge eating.

And wow this got off track lol this was supposed to be about how I was so excited that I lost half a pound a day for three days in a row – and I would still be happy about that, if I didn’t have a burger and fries and ice cream sitting in my stomach slowly trying to kill me. Ugh.

Does anybody know if slow digestion of a large quantity of food after restricting for a while is normal? I think I heard somewhere the digestion process slows down or something? I swear I can already see the fat from the food making my body fatter, not just my stomach but everywhere. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ย Thank goodness I have a high activity, low food day, planned for tomorrow!

stop eating 2

The Scale

The scale is whack yo.

Yes, apparently I am a 90’s, white boy from suburbia who thinks he is cool today…

Ok not really.

But the scale is pretty fucked up. Or is it me?

My “official” weigh-in is Thursdays. I go to a WW meeting and stand on a scale and if I am asked by someone that week what I weigh, that number is the one I will give. I do however weigh myself at home, often.

My home scale and the WW scale don’t ever match. My home scale usually has me one pound lower than the WW scale, sometimes a pound and a half. You don’t know how fucking irritating it is to see a number on my scale at home the morning of weigh-in and then get to weigh-in and see it up by 1 to 1.5 pounds. Even though I know that increase will be partly due to my clothes, and the humidity in the weigh-in room, and that I hadn’t just right the second before stepping on that scale gone to the bathroom, it doesn’t matter. It pisses me off that my “official” weigh-in is higher than my home scale.

Anyways!

I’m getting on to a tangent, sorry…

So, I knew last Thursday my weight would be up, it wasn’t a great week for me food and exercise wise. There was way more food than there should have been and nowhere near the amount of exercise there should have been and all that results in my becoming an even fatter version of myself.

Lovely.

Two days before my official weigh-in I pulled out the metabolism boosters. I had put them in the back of a cupboard thinking I could stop using them. Apparently I was wrong.

Took some of those.

Then the day before weigh-in I stopped eating so I would be in a state of fasting when I got to the scale and I took some laxatives. I had also put those in the back of the cupboard thinking I could stop using them. You’re probably not shocked to hear I was wrong about that also.

The thing is, I know taking the laxatives isn’t a guaranteed method for helping me before a weigh-in. The box says within 6 hours of taking them I’ll be relieving myself but that timeline never pans out for me.

For me, I ended up going to weigh-in with abdominal pain, I was gassy feeling, felt bloated, and I hadn’t gone to the bathroom.

Why do I take these things?? Or at least why do I wait to take them until the day prior? I should be taking them two days prior but noooooo, I pop em the day before weigh-in, essentially screwing myself over. Ugh.

So yeah, my official weigh-in had me up. Not shocking. It had me up a lot though which was disheartening.

I tried to convince myself it was because I wore a long shirt instead of a tank top, and that the humidity was killing me, and that I hadn’t pooped yet. But really, I ate bad that past week, and I didn’t exercise as much as normal, so the gain was deserved.

Later that same day the laxatives kicked in, yay! I still had abdominal pain but the being bloated and gassy went away after some toilet visits. That evening I stepped on the scale, I normally don’t step on it in the evening cause it messes with my head, but I wanted to see if the bathroom visits had made a difference.

They had not.

In fact, I was up even more than in the morning! I started freaking out, was the scale just going to keep going up and up and up? Was all that food cementing itself in to my fat cells never to leave my body?

I came up with a panicked plan about how to fix all this damage I did by eating the previous week. Not a rational normal person plan, but a back to eating no more than 700 calories a day and popping metabolism boosters like they are candy and exercising every single day sort of plan. Soooo, not a good plan. *rolls eyes*

But hey, do I get points for realizing it wasn’t a good plan?

Probably not…sigh.

I stepped on the scale again today (Friday). The day after my official weigh-in. I don’t know what I was expecting. I mean, yeah, I under ate yesterday, but one day of under eating wasn’t going to take away all that gain on the scale. I guess I just wanted to keep an eye on things.

Well holy shit, the scale changed, and it had gone down! It showed me back at the weight I was at 2 weeks ago.

Thank all the gods!

Now to not screw up the magical loss of those pounds so I can be down on my official weigh-in day next week…

I am not sure if I should villianize the pills because yes ok, they didn’t help me on weigh-in day but ultimately I was down by the day after, so maybe if I’d taken the metabolism boosters on the Monday and the laxatives on the Tuesday I would have had the Wednesday to be gassy etc, and then I might have been down for the Thursday weigh-in?

I don’t know. I get so confused.

Either way, I was in a pretty good mood today once I saw the scale number was down. Though I’m starting to worry about tomorrow and what it will say when I step on it then…seriously, does this cycle ever fucking end?

be perfect

New Bones

Last week I noticed that the rib bones on the top part of my chest (above my breasts) are more visible. I don’t know when exactly that happened, it isn’t an area I focus on a lot, and I never thought I was fat there before but now that I can clearly see the bones there I wonder how I didn’t notice I had extra fat there.

Was I oblivious?

I think it is more that my collarbones are fairly prominent and I’m more concerned about the extra fat on my abdominal area and thighs. Gotta prioritize ya know?

So yeah…I’ve been losing more weight, yay! and gained new bones, yay! and I have massive amounts of fear that I will screw this up and lose them, boo!

Lose them…like they will fall out of my body or something *rolls eyes* Losing them would be having them once again hidden under dreaded fat. But seriously, why couldn’t the fat have come off other areas first? sigh.

For days after I noticed the new bones I was happy, I wished I had someone to share this new development with but not like there is anybody to tell. So I stayed quiet about it and hugged the news to myself, using it to boost my mood when I started to get a bit down. I also used it as motivation for restricting even more and helping to bolster my will power when tempted to eat.

Pretty fucked up huh?

I didn’t think it was all that noticeable to other people, I generally wear not high neck tops but not low ones either, so the area is covered up for the most part but something odd happened. I went to work and three different managers took time to sit down with me, give me some serious eye contact, and ask if I was ok.

Strange huh?

There is one person who knows a bit of what I go through, she doesn’t understand and keeps telling me to “just eat already!” but someone who knows a little bit is better then not having anybody, I guess…I’m not really sure…but in theory it is better. So yeah, she is a friend at work and I got paranoid that she ratted me out to management but I asked her about it and she swears she didn’t. She thinks they sat me down to talk because my initial weight loss was a “wow, how awesome” kind of thing but has gone too far and is now a “she’s getting too skinny” kind of thing. I don’t believe her, she is definitely exaggerating because I am nowhere near skinny enough to look like someone who anyone should worry about. I still have too much fat on me in too many places. But the timing sure was odd.

My initial happiness about the new chest bones has faded. I’m still happy about them, and I look at them in the mirror every day to make sure they aren’t getting hidden under fat again, but life gets in the way and other things have over ridden the happy emotions I got after first noticing the bones.

A friend died, and I’m not handling it well. I’m binge eating like crazy, which is making me more paranoid about losing the bones, which drives me to take more diet pills and laxatives, which gives me abdominal pain, which leads me to not eat because of the pain, which leads to me feeling too many emotions and stuffing my face to squash the emotions, which starts the cycle up all over again.

It sucks.

I was watching an old tv show on YouTube, it is about teens who go to a ranch for therapy instead of detention. It is from the late 80s or early 90s I think. I’ve been binge watching it and there was an episode where a girl has an eating disorder and also is super athletic and she had a heart attack because of an electrolyte imbalance and being near starved to death…though the actress they cast doesn’t look at all anorexic…but since you can’t always tell from looking at a person maybe that is why they cast her…ok not the point…

It got me wondering thought, about health side effects from eating disorders. I always think that the negative health stuff only happens to anorexics who are super under weight. I’m not gonna have electrolyte issues, or heart attacks, or whatever else might happen because there is still too much fat on me. I haven’t reached that level of danger. But maybe that is wrong? I dunno. I know I get chest pains, and sometimes shortness of breath from activities that shouldn’t cause me to be short of breath, but that is a far cry from actual heart issues.

I should probably ask my case worker at our next meeting but I think it is gonna be bad enough having to admit I started using my pills again. I can’t see a conversation that organically grows from that admission to “can I have heart issues even though I’m still so fat?”. It was bad enough the other week when I hadda talk to her about my self-harm action. *rolls eyes*

Something I don’t get about her, she hasn’t yelled at me yet. I keep waiting for her to get exasperated, or mad, or just plain yell or order me to do or not do something, but she always talks to me in a calm, patient, voice. Its weird.

This post is kinda all over the place. But so is my brain right now so I guess the post is a good reflection of the inside of my head.

I was supposed to work today but I called in sick. I had abdominal pains so it was a legit reason for calling, but during the day I realized I was acting odd…sorta numb, sad, depressed. I wanted to eat everything and anything but I wasn’t hungry, in fact the abdominal pain I had made eating rather unpleasant. I think it is a reaction to finding out about my friend dying…I was told yesterday and lemme tell ya, after I was told, the rest of my day did not go well. I was all over the place emotionally, mostly mad, but with burst of overwhelming sadness thrown in there for good measure. I just couldn’t face people today.

I’m so mad. Mad that he is dead. Mad that I’m going to have to deal with people at work talking about it for the next week. Mad I didn’t get to say goodbye. Mad that I let myself get attached.

Just. Mad.

That anger is driving pretty much everything I am doing right now. It drove me to eat two desserts today that I definitely didn’t need, or even want. It is currently driving me to not eat anything more until tomorrow as punishment for eating the desserts. It is why I keep punching the wall. Why I took my diet pills today, I wanted the stomach pain they would give me.

I feel like I deserve the pain. My inability to control my eating today means I earned pain, and punishment. I feel like I am being torn apart inside and it makes me want to scream that no one who sees me can tell. Is it because people don’t really look at people any longer or because I am that good at hiding what is really going on inside me. Does it matter which reason it is? Not really. The result is the same.

I hurt. I don’t mean the pain from the pills. I mean me, my heart, it hurts. My body hurts from how I treat it, my heart hurts because I was stupid enough to let it get attached to some people and one of them is now dead.

Death. It is so fucking final. I hate that I’ll never hear his voice anymore. I hate that no one will ever call me the nickname he called me. I hate that we’ll never joke around, and I’ll never read anymore stories that he wrote, I hate that we’ll never talk movies or books or stuff happening in the world. I hate that he is gone, and I especially hate that I am so fucking selfish that I keep thinking that his being gone means I am even more alone.

alone

 

 

My Streak Came To An End

Ok so I am at a record almost 3 weeks without having a binge. I am also sitting at a record almost 3 weeks of seriously craving having a binge session and not indulging it.

I feel like I am going crazy.

Today I was mad, for no reason, just mad. Well, I sort of had a reason, it was my weekly weigh-in (I weigh myself more than once a week but only track the weigh-in results from Thursdays) and I gained weight. Ugh. I gained 0.4lbs so ok yeah, not like I gained a tonne but this is after two weeks of being in a plateau and I’m about at my breaking point over here.

Going up on the scale made me mad, I normally deal with being mad by eating, well, here I am trying to not binge which meant I had no coping skills to deal with the anger I was feeling.

Cue wanting to binge even more…

I had an errand at Costco and after I grabbed the items I was going there for I most definitely detoured to the bakery section to see what they might have. In case you are wondering I wanted doughnuts, I want doughnuts more than I want my next breath, sigh. And not one doughnut but allllllllll the doughnuts. ALL the doughnuts!

They did not have doughnuts. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I contemplated buying a pie or cake but they cost too much so I left them alone.

Then I got to my car and pulled up the Panago website, I really like their dessert bread sticks so I thought I’d order some for pick-up and grab them on the way home. While looking at the website I changed my mind and went to Pizza Hut’s site, they have this Hershey’s Chocolate Chip cookie that is freakin amazing, it is jumbo cookie size, the chocolate is melty, it is warm, it omg, now I want that freakin cookie even more, sigh…So good! I feel weird ordering just a dessert from there so I ordered for pick-up the cookie, some bread sticks, and a personal size pizza. I looked at the total cost of the order and couldn’t do it, I couldn’t afford it.

Ugh. Being poor sucks.

I thought about getting just the bread sticks and the cookie but managed to stop myself from placing the order. Instead I ordered sushi for pick-up and debated stopping at a neighbourhood bakery or going to Tim Horton’s.

Through all this all I really wanted were doughnuts. There are these glazed doughnuts from WalMart, 6 for $1, literally dripping glaze, those were what I wanted. I had no legit reason for going to WalMart and I knew if I went I would buy those doughnuts, so I was doing my best to not go there. Luckily WalMart isn’t really all that near to where I was or where I live so getting to one would have been going way out of my way and since I’m trying to not spend money on excess things that extends to not driving places unless I need to and I was trying very very hard to not classify buying binge food as a “need to”. I figured Tim Horton’s doughnuts are way better quality anyways, so if I was going to buy doughnuts I should buy the better ones, right?

I picked up my sushi, which, in case you are wondering, I ordered because putting a roll in to my mouth fills my mouth, making it seem like I am binge eating, even though the quantity of food I have on my plate is not at binge levels. It is to get the sensory feel of the binge without the calories. Sometimes it works, most times it doesn’t.

This time it didn’t.

I had tricked myself though! After I picked up the sushi I drove home, told myself that if after I ate the sushi I still wanted the doughnuts I could either walk to the local bakery or drive to the Tim Horton’s that is nearby. Nothing stopping me from going out again, right?

Wrong!

I am lazy, and for some reason once I am in my place I get very reluctant to go out specifically to buy binge food. I feel like everyone is watching me and knows what I am doing. If I buy it when I am already out and about that is one thing, but going out just to buy it, I don’t like doing that. So by getting myself home I avoided buying the much coveted doughnuts.

I thought this was a win till I raided my kitchen cupboards. Couple brownies, a package of cookies, some random chocolates, and other foods later, I remembered why having a binge is not a good thing.

I feel so gross. I feel so guilty. It didn’t take away my anger, it if anything, intensified it because now I am even farther away from losing weight.

Arg!

Why?! Why did I do it??

And not only why did I do it but why do I still want to be eating??

I forced myself to wait till a “normal” dinner time and ate a “normal” dinner. That wasn’t enough. I want more. I want to eat everything. I want to open another package of cookies even though the sweetness of the ones I ate is still making me feel nauseous. I want to go buy the doughnuts because they are what I have been wanting this entire time. I want to get a jar of peanut butter and a spoon and go to town. Ditto that but with Nutella. I want bread, in any and all forms. I want pastries goddammit. I want! I want! I want!

And yet, despite all that wanting, I am sitting here, typing, drinking endless cups of tea, feeling like I have a hole in my stomach and I can’t figure out if it is legit hunger or my stomach having trouble digesting all the crap I ate…and I am not eating.

I am not going back in to that kitchen and raiding more cupboards and eating more food.

I am not inhaling the other package of cookies. Or baking the pie I have in the freezer. Or baking fresh cookies, or a cake for that matter. Hell, I’m not even making toast.

Instead I am dealing with acid reflux, and a gurgling stomach, and self-loathing, and self-hatred, and guilt, and why did I think having a binge would do me any good?

Now I have to restart my counter for how many days I have been restricting and been good.

Fuck.

stop-eating

self-control