Category Archives: Just Another day

To The Bone

Have you seen the Netflix movie “To the Bone”? I’ve been waiting for it to come out ever since I heard about it which was hmm, maybe a month or so ago? I’ve been so impatient for it and finally, tonight after work, I got to watch it.

I loved it.

It isn’t perfect, what movie is? But even with it’s flaws I loved it.

I won’t go in to a full on review of the movie, mostly because I suck at giving movie reviews without also giving away what happens in the movie and I don’t want to ruin it for anybody who hasn’t seen it yet. But if you haven’t seen it, go watch it, it is totally worth your time.

The acting was so well done, the character arc well written, the emotion real. I liked that they had people who all looked different, showing that not all people with eating disorders look like the stereotypical anorexic. I like that they don’t pinpoint the reason for anybody’s eating disorder as being caused by one thing. I like that it seemed real, and I felt like I had things in common with the characters. Sure there wasn’t one specific character that I was all “that’s me! that’s what I do!” but I could see myself in bits and pieces of all of them. I liked that they showed recovery as a struggle, mentioned that it takes a long fucking time, that it isn’t as easy as “just eat something already”.

I can totally see this movie becoming one I watch over and over again.

ToTheBonePoster

The Scale

The scale is whack yo.

Yes, apparently I am a 90’s, white boy from suburbia who thinks he is cool today…

Ok not really.

But the scale is pretty fucked up. Or is it me?

My “official” weigh-in is Thursdays. I go to a WW meeting and stand on a scale and if I am asked by someone that week what I weigh, that number is the one I will give. I do however weigh myself at home, often.

My home scale and the WW scale don’t ever match. My home scale usually has me one pound lower than the WW scale, sometimes a pound and a half. You don’t know how fucking irritating it is to see a number on my scale at home the morning of weigh-in and then get to weigh-in and see it up by 1 to 1.5 pounds. Even though I know that increase will be partly due to my clothes, and the humidity in the weigh-in room, and that I hadn’t just right the second before stepping on that scale gone to the bathroom, it doesn’t matter. It pisses me off that my “official” weigh-in is higher than my home scale.

Anyways!

I’m getting on to a tangent, sorry…

So, I knew last Thursday my weight would be up, it wasn’t a great week for me food and exercise wise. There was way more food than there should have been and nowhere near the amount of exercise there should have been and all that results in my becoming an even fatter version of myself.

Lovely.

Two days before my official weigh-in I pulled out the metabolism boosters. I had put them in the back of a cupboard thinking I could stop using them. Apparently I was wrong.

Took some of those.

Then the day before weigh-in I stopped eating so I would be in a state of fasting when I got to the scale and I took some laxatives. I had also put those in the back of the cupboard thinking I could stop using them. You’re probably not shocked to hear I was wrong about that also.

The thing is, I know taking the laxatives isn’t a guaranteed method for helping me before a weigh-in. The box says within 6 hours of taking them I’ll be relieving myself but that timeline never pans out for me.

For me, I ended up going to weigh-in with abdominal pain, I was gassy feeling, felt bloated, and I hadn’t gone to the bathroom.

Why do I take these things?? Or at least why do I wait to take them until the day prior? I should be taking them two days prior but noooooo, I pop em the day before weigh-in, essentially screwing myself over. Ugh.

So yeah, my official weigh-in had me up. Not shocking. It had me up a lot though which was disheartening.

I tried to convince myself it was because I wore a long shirt instead of a tank top, and that the humidity was killing me, and that I hadn’t pooped yet. But really, I ate bad that past week, and I didn’t exercise as much as normal, so the gain was deserved.

Later that same day the laxatives kicked in, yay! I still had abdominal pain but the being bloated and gassy went away after some toilet visits. That evening I stepped on the scale, I normally don’t step on it in the evening cause it messes with my head, but I wanted to see if the bathroom visits had made a difference.

They had not.

In fact, I was up even more than in the morning! I started freaking out, was the scale just going to keep going up and up and up? Was all that food cementing itself in to my fat cells never to leave my body?

I came up with a panicked plan about how to fix all this damage I did by eating the previous week. Not a rational normal person plan, but a back to eating no more than 700 calories a day and popping metabolism boosters like they are candy and exercising every single day sort of plan. Soooo, not a good plan. *rolls eyes*

But hey, do I get points for realizing it wasn’t a good plan?

Probably not…sigh.

I stepped on the scale again today (Friday). The day after my official weigh-in. I don’t know what I was expecting. I mean, yeah, I under ate yesterday, but one day of under eating wasn’t going to take away all that gain on the scale. I guess I just wanted to keep an eye on things.

Well holy shit, the scale changed, and it had gone down! It showed me back at the weight I was at 2 weeks ago.

Thank all the gods!

Now to not screw up the magical loss of those pounds so I can be down on my official weigh-in day next week…

I am not sure if I should villianize the pills because yes ok, they didn’t help me on weigh-in day but ultimately I was down by the day after, so maybe if I’d taken the metabolism boosters on the Monday and the laxatives on the Tuesday I would have had the Wednesday to be gassy etc, and then I might have been down for the Thursday weigh-in?

I don’t know. I get so confused.

Either way, I was in a pretty good mood today once I saw the scale number was down. Though I’m starting to worry about tomorrow and what it will say when I step on it then…seriously, does this cycle ever fucking end?

be perfect

What Is This?

Today I was competing in day one of a two day sports festival. I competed with my team but also volunteered to help another team ensuring I got twice the workout. I compete at this festival every year and am well versed in how the days will go.

This morning when I was up and getting ready I had the weirdest chest pain, to the left and kinda mid body, sorta below where my left breast is, it radiated outwards encompassing a good chunk of my left side and I didn’t know what to do. I can’t really describe the pain except that it was pain and I didn’t like it.

My only worry was that it would impede in my ability to compete today but after I choked down some oatmeal, that is almost a literal “choked down” since it didn’t help the pain and in fact made it worse I headed off to meet up with my team.

The level of pain decreased down to strong discomfort after a while and ok yeah, my first race wasn’t my best ever performance, I wouldn’t say that I let the pain get in the way of my competing overly much. I think more than anything it got in the way of my warm-up lol

During the rest of the day the pain was gone, somewhere in the morning it faded away and didn’t come back. Yay!

Jump forward to this evening…

I got home after a full day of competing, had a quick shower, popped my jerseys in the wash, and prepared to chow down on the crazy indulgent meal I ordered as take-out from a restaurant near me. It was a burger with fries and a small coleslaw.

Normally I never eat like this but 4 races in one day in sweltering heat with me eating very little (I don’t like feeling full when I race so I eat minimalistic during the day) had me hangry to a ridiculous level. Usually my hunger level increases gradually during a day when I am restricting but today it basically took over my body and well, yeah, I ended up with a burger and fries…oh, and a cinnamon bun cause ya know, if you’re gonna screw up you might as well screw up alllllll the way! *rolls eyes*

I ate the burger, fyi it was amazing!, then started in on the fries. The weird thing is, eating the fries was giving me pain in my esophagus, like a pressure, burning, something wants to explode pain. I am familiar with acid reflux and this was not that kind of pain. Any normal person would have stopped eating the fries but I knew if I stopped with some left over I’d hate myself even more for eating them then if I had none left (don’t ask why, I don’t know, it is just how I roll) so I kept eating. Once I had eaten them all I sat there, in pain and discomfort, hating myself for eating, wondering what the hell to do with the pain. It faded eventually…long enough for me to eat the cinnamon bun – kill me now, ugh. And it sorta went away without my really noticing the exact moment it was gone.

So now it is almost midnight, I was going to make tea but opted for a glass of water instead. When I drink water I basically chug a glass like it is medicine and that is what I did this time and what do you know, pain.

I am not sure what to do. The initial pain at the beginning of the day started before I had eaten anything…if it had started after I was eating my oatmeal I would say eating is causing the pain to occur…but in that first instance it didn’t. And that first instance was when the pain was at its worst.

So what is causing it? What do I do about it? Most importantly, how do I get rid of it?

I don’t expect you to have the answer, I am just letting you know the questions I am thinking…

I sure hope this fixes itself and I don’t go through it again tomorrow cause that would suck. I don’t know if this is at all related to my ED or if it is something else and I don’t really know how to figure that out…one more question to add to my list I guess lol

hips

Those hips! So jealous…

Trust Issues

I don’t trust people.

This isn’t a reflection of you, or of any specific person, it is just a fact. I know that people suck. They will let you down. They will not be there when you need them. They will hurt you. They will ultimately do what is best for them no matter who it might hurt.

That’s fine. I know all this, I’m not some naive idiot who thinks the world is a good place and so are the people who inhabit it. I would rather be strong, and ready, and have the knowledge that people can’t be trusted, then be shocked when something happens and I am confronted with this information abruptly.

Thing is, because I don’t trust people, I generally expect the worse from them. Maybe not right away, lots of people are good at hiding just how ruthless and uncaring they are, but eventually something happens and you see through the cracks.

My case manager, I think that is what her title is, confuses me. She is soft-spoken, she makes eye contact, she has open body language and gestures with her hands when she talks (not in a violent way or a trying to create distraction way, in a friendly open kind of way). She doesn’t get mad when I swear, or don’t do a good job, she has…I guess it would be compassion…for like, everybody…or so it seems.

I don’t get it.

I keep waiting for her to yell at me. Or tell me to do a better job already. I keep waiting for her to push me harder than what I am able to deal with, to try and break me.

Instead of forcing me to do something, she suggests, she talks about something then asks if I would be open to whatever it is she was talking about. No demanding I do something. No “if you don’t do this then I’m kicking you out of the program”. Just a question about if I would be open to trying what she talked about.

I really don’t get that.

I met with her two weeks ago, I had filled out one of our weekly forms where we answers questions about how we’ve been doing that week. It is kind of a snapshot so they know how strongly we are engaging in our eating disorder behaviours. I wrote that I had self-harmed. Didn’t really think about lying on the form since I figured they probably weren’t read by anybody but she called me to ask about what I had done, how I was doing, did I want to come in and chat. I didn’t really want to go in and chat, what was there to say after all? I gave myself second degree burns on my arm because I didn’t know how else to deal with a situation. Does that sentence really require a face-to-face conversation? I don’t think it does…Somehow though I ended up agreeing to go in and see her.

We chatted. She asked if I would be open to meeting with the shrink they have on staff, he could talk to me about medications that might help, stuff like that. I said no. I told her the truth, which was I was uncomfortable with being in a room alone with a guy. Well, I don’t think I worded it quite like that, but that is the gist. I can deal being in close quarters with a guy at work, or in a public space, where there are lots of escape routes and they aren’t really all that focused on me and only me. But in a room with a closed door and no one else to keep them occupied? No thank you! She said she would be there for the first meeting, and after that if I wanted she would come to other sessions.

See what I mean? She could have just told me to suck it up and go see him, but instead she offered to be there not just for the first session which she would be there for anyways but follow-up sessions also. Compassion. That woman has it in spades.

I also told her I don’t do medications. They aren’t my thing.

So she let it drop, just suggested I keep it in mind as something to consider for the future. I lied and said I would.

Then this past week we had a meeting, the 8 week group I had been in ended and there are post-group meetings to discuss things, see which group I am being put in next, stuff like that. Again with the paperwork. Again with me not lying about stuff I did. I really need to just lie on these stupid forms already, sigh. I told her I wasn’t sure if some of the stuff I did was technically considered self-harming because it wasn’t cutting or burning myself. She didn’t actually say, but I think the decision was that the things I had done are self-harming.

She again brought up seeing the shrink. Before I could say no she said he is booking all the way into August so not like the appointment would be right away. She also said he could give me lots of information about the different medications, I can research and make my own choice, I am under no obligation to take any pills, but it might be a good idea to talk to him.

She wasn’t mad, or pushy, but her face had an expression that I don’t have a word for…like…ugh, I just don’t know. But when she made that expression when suggesting I see the shrink I felt like if I didn’t say yes she’d be disappointed or something and apparently I don’t want to disappoint her since I said yes to a meeting with him.

What the fuck.

So now I have an appointment the beginning of August to see the shrink and talk meds. I guess the meds are to somehow help me not self-harm. I don’t really understand how that works, but it scares me. The idea of taking something and it being able to affect my decision to self-harm or not, what the fuck is it doing to my brain that some pill can affect a decision like that? I worry they change who you are, make you less you somehow. I dunno, I probably sound crazy. I just don’t like the idea of popping a pill, having it mess with your head, and everyone being ok with this happening.

I may back out of the appointment, I still have lots of time to decide. Maybe if I manage to not self-harm between now and then she won’t even get that expression on her face if I cancel…it’s a thought…

dreaming

You Know When…

You know when you’ve eaten so little during the day that scarfing down two cookies at work doesn’t even put you close to being at your max calories or weight watcher points for the day?

Yeah…that was me today. I didn’t purposefully try to restrict, I just seem to naturally eat less than others. Which works out ok for me when I end up eating something stupid like cookies lol

I had thought I ate a lot but was so busy at work today I didn’t have time to actually track my food, I had just been keeping mental track, knowing I’d get it all in the apps later. Well, later came when I got home, so I sat down and got to work inputting all my food for the day.

At home I had:

1/2 C oatmeal, topped with 2T PB2 and 1T brown sugar

2 pieces of brown toast (bread is a weakness of mine, don’t judge!)

Then at work I had:

Salad, topped with 6 prawns, some fruit, some roasted veggies, 1/4C cottage cheese, and 1t sliced almonds.

2 shortbread cookies

The salad was made for me by the chef so I didn’t have any say what was on it. If I had made it there would not have been any almonds, or cottage cheese, and probably less of the fruit and veg, really, just less of everything. But he made it and I wasn’t going to pick it apart in front of him so I ended up eating it. It was huuuuuge, but so tasty, and because it was so big it was super filling, which I guess is why I felt like I had eaten so much food today.

So going with calories, because that number will mean more to people than my weight watcher tracking info, I ate 770 calories today.

Not so shabby.

But again, I wasn’t trying to eat in that range, it just sorta ended up being what I ate, and truthfully, that is roughly how I eat every day. Now sure, some days are different, I might have an egg and two slices of turkey bacon instead of the oatmeal, but it all kinda averages out.

Wait! I lied! I forgot I had 1C corn flakes and 1/2C 1% milk as a snack.

So see, not as bad as it seemed, I ate 872 calories today. Which actually I don’t like because it is too close to 900 and when I eat 900 or more I freak out and get a tad stressed. *rolls eyes* So annoying!

I guess I’m not really going anywhere with this, I’m just using writing to realize that I naturally tend to eat low calorie most days and I really need to track to know for sure how much I’ve eaten because if asked I would have said I over ate today, when the numbers show I haven’t.

Oh the things to ponder…but not now, now I am going to bed!

think

There are other things to think about??

I Suck At Self-Compassion

Alrighty so the way my ed recovery program works is I am in an 8 week group session that meets once a week and once every two weeks I meet with a dietitian. I think I could actually meet with the dietitian more often but I’m not ready for that…same with my case worker, I think I could meet with her more often but I’m scared to ask and seem too needy. I do meet with her at the end of each new 8 week group for a check-in and actually, she is co-running the group I am in right now so I guess if I was really super duper struggling on the day I have group I could maybe ask her for a minute, but again, I haven’t actually tried asking because pfft, I don’t do that! 😉

After the 8 week group session is over there is about a month where I go to drop in groups (there are two or three to choose from) and my case manager decides which of the next 8 week groups she thinks would be good for me.

My first 8 week group was the Education Group, pretty much everyone starts with that one so we all have the same starting off point education wise about all sorts of things regarding ed.

The group I am in now is the Building Compassion Group and oh my god I suck at it! *rolls eyes*

It would appear I am not good at having self-compassion and not only that, I have massive instinctive road blocks around the topic aaaaaaand my brain goes completely blank when I am trying to come up with an example of self-compassion or self-care. I feel like I am failing this group…I don’t know if that is a thing, oh god, what if that is a thing and I have to repeat it? I so don’t want to repeat this group, ugh.

We have homework, and talk about stuff from our past and how it relates to our eating disorder and we talk about how we should talk to ourselves in a kind and caring way and blah blah blah. I am supposed to try talking to myself the way I would talk to a friend if they were going through the same situation, the theory being I would never be as mean to my friend as I am to myself but that doesn’t really work for me. We also do this guided meditation type thing at the start where we think of something about ourselves we are unhappy with, then let ourselves feel the pain associated with that, then be kind to ourselves and acknowledge that we feel the pain because we were hurt and to talk in a compassionate way to ourselves about that situation to help us move past it, or embrace it, or something, I dunno…it all sounds like new age hippie crap to me. sigh. I can manage to think of something I don’t like about myself, and even manage to feel some of the pain associated with that thing I don’t like, but that is as far as I get. There are no compassionate words coming to mind to say to myself, there is no acknowledging of a situation that was beyond my control and letting myself off the hook, there is no coming to terms with stuff.

I don’t feel I need to come to terms with anything. I believe that if something hurts you then you should use that pain to make you stronger. Use that pain to build a stronger defence so when something like that happens again you don’t get hurt again.

So yeah, I think I am not properly grasping this whole compassion thing.

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I couldn’t find a thinspo image that seemed right for this post and that got me thinking maybe I shouldn’t always put a thinspo image because ya know, I’m supposed to be trying to get better and scrolling through all those images isn’t exactly good for my frame of mind, so does not putting one of those pictures on my post count as a self-compassionate act? I feel it should count and I want a gold star for it! 😉

 

 

What My Stomach Feels

This may seem strange to other people but…I don’t really know what the sensations my stomach sends out mean, at least not every time…do other people know how to decode the sensations they feel in their stomachs? I think they probably do, which just makes me a weirdo in yet another way. *rolls eyes*

I gained another pound this week. Last week I lost 0.4lbs so it is safe to say I am NOT impressed. I want to be going down in weight, not staying the same, or going up, and yet, if you average the month I stayed the same. sigh. I go up a little. I go down a little. I go up a little. I go down a little. You get the idea. It sucks!

I can’t find the correlation between what I am doing wrong and the weight gain, I mean ok sure I had a couple binges in there…maybe more than a couple, but I counteracted the binges with restricting days and increased activity so I thought things would be ok.

They are not ok.

So I made a promise to myself, which I already hate because I loathe people who break promises but oh man, this one is freakin hard and I shouldn’t have done it.

I promised myself that every single time I eat something I will eat along with that meal or snack either some fruit or some veggies. I haven’t been eating them very often because well, oh geez, the explanation might need its own paragraph…

Ok, so I tend to not eat fruits and veg not because I don’t like them but because they are not a safe food. You would think they would be safe right? I know a lot of people who have veggies for safe foods because they are low cal but I don’t track calories I track Weight Watcher points. In the land of WW fruits and veggies are 0 points, which means you can eat as many as you want and it doesn’t count against your daily points – your Daily Points being how much food you have to eat in a day. So say you eat a 3oz chicken breast and a cup of veggies, you count the chicken but not the veggies when tallying how many points of food you eat.

But! Just because something doesn’t have points in the land of WW doesn’t mean it doesn’t have calories! Or fat! Or carbs!

If I eat those zero point foods then I don’t have enough space in my stomach to eat food that has points. I also mentally can’t handle eating that much food. So…I cut the zero point food out of my world. Not an absolute cut them out, I eat a tiny bit of fruit and veg, but not very much. I figured I was doing a good thing, all those people on WW who eat their daily points worth of food aaaaand eat fruits and veggies, they are taking in waaaaay more calories than they realize! I was being smart, seeing the flaw and adjusting for it.

However, in my more rational moments I realize I am not eating a well balanced meal plan and maybe the lack of ya know, food groups, is affecting my weight loss?

My safe foods are:

oatmeal, PB2 (powdered peanut butter), bread (two slices a day max), protein pancakes, eggs (one a day max), egg whites (two a day max), turkey bacon (two slices a day max), light shredded cheese (20g max a day), plain chicken breasts (2 per week max), 3oz salmon (1-2 per week max), greek yoghurt OR light cottage cheese (2-3 times a week max)

This past week I was craving corn flakes like crazy so I snagged some from work and added those in to the rotation but otherwise, it doesn’t change much. Obviously I don’t eat all that food in one day, but that is what I rotate between.

So yeah…not really seeing fruit or veg in there. I was eating bananas for a while, I was on a real kick with them and ate one a day, and before the banana kick I was also eating apples, the occasional orange, but like I said, I had to stop because if I eat an orange I am full and can’t eat food that has points that I am supposed to track, which means I end up under my points for the day and according to the program rules that is really bad. Like, epic bad.

Back to my promise to myself…I am now swearing that for a week, every time I eat something I will also have a piece of fruit or some veggies.

So tonight after working out I ate veggies with my chicken…and then I didn’t know what my stomach was doing.

It felt weird, it was making noticeable sensations and I have nooooo idea what they meant. Did they mean I hadn’t eaten enough and was hungry? I decided no since I’d just eaten a full meal by anyone’s standards. Did it mean I cooked something wrong and was getting food poisoning? I decided no because I didn’t throw up. Did it mean I ate too much? Quite possibly, I’m not great at understanding portions. Did it mean I ate when I shouldn’t have? Also quite possible, except, I was back from working out for 2 hours and according to the rules of WW and of people who seem to have this normal eating thing figured out, I should be eating.

So what the hell?

My stomach is making all these weird sensations that I can feel, that are distracting me from the tv show I was trying to watch, that are making me get up and move around because I can’t stand to be feeling them, and I don’t know what they mean, and they are freaking me out!

It is so much easier when I don’t eat, I can identify the pain from not eating, the feeling of my stomach giving up on getting food that day, the feeling of being empty.

This? This sensation that came right after I ate, this I can’t identify and oh man I do not like it.

How do I make it stop??

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