Category Archives: Just Another day

What Is This?

Today I was competing in day one of a two day sports festival. I competed with my team but also volunteered to help another team ensuring I got twice the workout. I compete at this festival every year and am well versed in how the days will go.

This morning when I was up and getting ready I had the weirdest chest pain, to the left and kinda mid body, sorta below where my left breast is, it radiated outwards encompassing a good chunk of my left side and I didn’t know what to do. I can’t really describe the pain except that it was pain and I didn’t like it.

My only worry was that it would impede in my ability to compete today but after I choked down some oatmeal, that is almost a literal “choked down” since it didn’t help the pain and in fact made it worse I headed off to meet up with my team.

The level of pain decreased down to strong discomfort after a while and ok yeah, my first race wasn’t my best ever performance, I wouldn’t say that I let the pain get in the way of my competing overly much. I think more than anything it got in the way of my warm-up lol

During the rest of the day the pain was gone, somewhere in the morning it faded away and didn’t come back. Yay!

Jump forward to this evening…

I got home after a full day of competing, had a quick shower, popped my jerseys in the wash, and prepared to chow down on the crazy indulgent meal I ordered as take-out from a restaurant near me. It was a burger with fries and a small coleslaw.

Normally I never eat like this but 4 races in one day in sweltering heat with me eating very little (I don’t like feeling full when I race so I eat minimalistic during the day) had me hangry to a ridiculous level. Usually my hunger level increases gradually during a day when I am restricting but today it basically took over my body and well, yeah, I ended up with a burger and fries…oh, and a cinnamon bun cause ya know, if you’re gonna screw up you might as well screw up alllllll the way! *rolls eyes*

I ate the burger, fyi it was amazing!, then started in on the fries. The weird thing is, eating the fries was giving me pain in my esophagus, like a pressure, burning, something wants to explode pain. I am familiar with acid reflux and this was not that kind of pain. Any normal person would have stopped eating the fries but I knew if I stopped with some left over I’d hate myself even more for eating them then if I had none left (don’t ask why, I don’t know, it is just how I roll) so I kept eating. Once I had eaten them all I sat there, in pain and discomfort, hating myself for eating, wondering what the hell to do with the pain. It faded eventually…long enough for me to eat the cinnamon bun – kill me now, ugh. And it sorta went away without my really noticing the exact moment it was gone.

So now it is almost midnight, I was going to make tea but opted for a glass of water instead. When I drink water I basically chug a glass like it is medicine and that is what I did this time and what do you know, pain.

I am not sure what to do. The initial pain at the beginning of the day started before I had eaten anything…if it had started after I was eating my oatmeal I would say eating is causing the pain to occur…but in that first instance it didn’t. And that first instance was when the pain was at its worst.

So what is causing it? What do I do about it? Most importantly, how do I get rid of it?

I don’t expect you to have the answer, I am just letting you know the questions I am thinking…

I sure hope this fixes itself and I don’t go through it again tomorrow cause that would suck. I don’t know if this is at all related to my ED or if it is something else and I don’t really know how to figure that out…one more question to add to my list I guess lol

hips

Those hips! So jealous…

Trust Issues

I don’t trust people.

This isn’t a reflection of you, or of any specific person, it is just a fact. I know that people suck. They will let you down. They will not be there when you need them. They will hurt you. They will ultimately do what is best for them no matter who it might hurt.

That’s fine. I know all this, I’m not some naive idiot who thinks the world is a good place and so are the people who inhabit it. I would rather be strong, and ready, and have the knowledge that people can’t be trusted, then be shocked when something happens and I am confronted with this information abruptly.

Thing is, because I don’t trust people, I generally expect the worse from them. Maybe not right away, lots of people are good at hiding just how ruthless and uncaring they are, but eventually something happens and you see through the cracks.

My case manager, I think that is what her title is, confuses me. She is soft-spoken, she makes eye contact, she has open body language and gestures with her hands when she talks (not in a violent way or a trying to create distraction way, in a friendly open kind of way). She doesn’t get mad when I swear, or don’t do a good job, she has…I guess it would be compassion…for like, everybody…or so it seems.

I don’t get it.

I keep waiting for her to yell at me. Or tell me to do a better job already. I keep waiting for her to push me harder than what I am able to deal with, to try and break me.

Instead of forcing me to do something, she suggests, she talks about something then asks if I would be open to whatever it is she was talking about. No demanding I do something. No “if you don’t do this then I’m kicking you out of the program”. Just a question about if I would be open to trying what she talked about.

I really don’t get that.

I met with her two weeks ago, I had filled out one of our weekly forms where we answers questions about how we’ve been doing that week. It is kind of a snapshot so they know how strongly we are engaging in our eating disorder behaviours. I wrote that I had self-harmed. Didn’t really think about lying on the form since I figured they probably weren’t read by anybody but she called me to ask about what I had done, how I was doing, did I want to come in and chat. I didn’t really want to go in and chat, what was there to say after all? I gave myself second degree burns on my arm because I didn’t know how else to deal with a situation. Does that sentence really require a face-to-face conversation? I don’t think it does…Somehow though I ended up agreeing to go in and see her.

We chatted. She asked if I would be open to meeting with the shrink they have on staff, he could talk to me about medications that might help, stuff like that. I said no. I told her the truth, which was I was uncomfortable with being in a room alone with a guy. Well, I don’t think I worded it quite like that, but that is the gist. I can deal being in close quarters with a guy at work, or in a public space, where there are lots of escape routes and they aren’t really all that focused on me and only me. But in a room with a closed door and no one else to keep them occupied? No thank you! She said she would be there for the first meeting, and after that if I wanted she would come to other sessions.

See what I mean? She could have just told me to suck it up and go see him, but instead she offered to be there not just for the first session which she would be there for anyways but follow-up sessions also. Compassion. That woman has it in spades.

I also told her I don’t do medications. They aren’t my thing.

So she let it drop, just suggested I keep it in mind as something to consider for the future. I lied and said I would.

Then this past week we had a meeting, the 8 week group I had been in ended and there are post-group meetings to discuss things, see which group I am being put in next, stuff like that. Again with the paperwork. Again with me not lying about stuff I did. I really need to just lie on these stupid forms already, sigh. I told her I wasn’t sure if some of the stuff I did was technically considered self-harming because it wasn’t cutting or burning myself. She didn’t actually say, but I think the decision was that the things I had done are self-harming.

She again brought up seeing the shrink. Before I could say no she said he is booking all the way into August so not like the appointment would be right away. She also said he could give me lots of information about the different medications, I can research and make my own choice, I am under no obligation to take any pills, but it might be a good idea to talk to him.

She wasn’t mad, or pushy, but her face had an expression that I don’t have a word for…like…ugh, I just don’t know. But when she made that expression when suggesting I see the shrink I felt like if I didn’t say yes she’d be disappointed or something and apparently I don’t want to disappoint her since I said yes to a meeting with him.

What the fuck.

So now I have an appointment the beginning of August to see the shrink and talk meds. I guess the meds are to somehow help me not self-harm. I don’t really understand how that works, but it scares me. The idea of taking something and it being able to affect my decision to self-harm or not, what the fuck is it doing to my brain that some pill can affect a decision like that? I worry they change who you are, make you less you somehow. I dunno, I probably sound crazy. I just don’t like the idea of popping a pill, having it mess with your head, and everyone being ok with this happening.

I may back out of the appointment, I still have lots of time to decide. Maybe if I manage to not self-harm between now and then she won’t even get that expression on her face if I cancel…it’s a thought…

dreaming

You Know When…

You know when you’ve eaten so little during the day that scarfing down two cookies at work doesn’t even put you close to being at your max calories or weight watcher points for the day?

Yeah…that was me today. I didn’t purposefully try to restrict, I just seem to naturally eat less than others. Which works out ok for me when I end up eating something stupid like cookies lol

I had thought I ate a lot but was so busy at work today I didn’t have time to actually track my food, I had just been keeping mental track, knowing I’d get it all in the apps later. Well, later came when I got home, so I sat down and got to work inputting all my food for the day.

At home I had:

1/2 C oatmeal, topped with 2T PB2 and 1T brown sugar

2 pieces of brown toast (bread is a weakness of mine, don’t judge!)

Then at work I had:

Salad, topped with 6 prawns, some fruit, some roasted veggies, 1/4C cottage cheese, and 1t sliced almonds.

2 shortbread cookies

The salad was made for me by the chef so I didn’t have any say what was on it. If I had made it there would not have been any almonds, or cottage cheese, and probably less of the fruit and veg, really, just less of everything. But he made it and I wasn’t going to pick it apart in front of him so I ended up eating it. It was huuuuuge, but so tasty, and because it was so big it was super filling, which I guess is why I felt like I had eaten so much food today.

So going with calories, because that number will mean more to people than my weight watcher tracking info, I ate 770 calories today.

Not so shabby.

But again, I wasn’t trying to eat in that range, it just sorta ended up being what I ate, and truthfully, that is roughly how I eat every day. Now sure, some days are different, I might have an egg and two slices of turkey bacon instead of the oatmeal, but it all kinda averages out.

Wait! I lied! I forgot I had 1C corn flakes and 1/2C 1% milk as a snack.

So see, not as bad as it seemed, I ate 872 calories today. Which actually I don’t like because it is too close to 900 and when I eat 900 or more I freak out and get a tad stressed. *rolls eyes* So annoying!

I guess I’m not really going anywhere with this, I’m just using writing to realize that I naturally tend to eat low calorie most days and I really need to track to know for sure how much I’ve eaten because if asked I would have said I over ate today, when the numbers show I haven’t.

Oh the things to ponder…but not now, now I am going to bed!

think

There are other things to think about??

I Suck At Self-Compassion

Alrighty so the way my ed recovery program works is I am in an 8 week group session that meets once a week and once every two weeks I meet with a dietitian. I think I could actually meet with the dietitian more often but I’m not ready for that…same with my case worker, I think I could meet with her more often but I’m scared to ask and seem too needy. I do meet with her at the end of each new 8 week group for a check-in and actually, she is co-running the group I am in right now so I guess if I was really super duper struggling on the day I have group I could maybe ask her for a minute, but again, I haven’t actually tried asking because pfft, I don’t do that! 😉

After the 8 week group session is over there is about a month where I go to drop in groups (there are two or three to choose from) and my case manager decides which of the next 8 week groups she thinks would be good for me.

My first 8 week group was the Education Group, pretty much everyone starts with that one so we all have the same starting off point education wise about all sorts of things regarding ed.

The group I am in now is the Building Compassion Group and oh my god I suck at it! *rolls eyes*

It would appear I am not good at having self-compassion and not only that, I have massive instinctive road blocks around the topic aaaaaaand my brain goes completely blank when I am trying to come up with an example of self-compassion or self-care. I feel like I am failing this group…I don’t know if that is a thing, oh god, what if that is a thing and I have to repeat it? I so don’t want to repeat this group, ugh.

We have homework, and talk about stuff from our past and how it relates to our eating disorder and we talk about how we should talk to ourselves in a kind and caring way and blah blah blah. I am supposed to try talking to myself the way I would talk to a friend if they were going through the same situation, the theory being I would never be as mean to my friend as I am to myself but that doesn’t really work for me. We also do this guided meditation type thing at the start where we think of something about ourselves we are unhappy with, then let ourselves feel the pain associated with that, then be kind to ourselves and acknowledge that we feel the pain because we were hurt and to talk in a compassionate way to ourselves about that situation to help us move past it, or embrace it, or something, I dunno…it all sounds like new age hippie crap to me. sigh. I can manage to think of something I don’t like about myself, and even manage to feel some of the pain associated with that thing I don’t like, but that is as far as I get. There are no compassionate words coming to mind to say to myself, there is no acknowledging of a situation that was beyond my control and letting myself off the hook, there is no coming to terms with stuff.

I don’t feel I need to come to terms with anything. I believe that if something hurts you then you should use that pain to make you stronger. Use that pain to build a stronger defence so when something like that happens again you don’t get hurt again.

So yeah, I think I am not properly grasping this whole compassion thing.

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I couldn’t find a thinspo image that seemed right for this post and that got me thinking maybe I shouldn’t always put a thinspo image because ya know, I’m supposed to be trying to get better and scrolling through all those images isn’t exactly good for my frame of mind, so does not putting one of those pictures on my post count as a self-compassionate act? I feel it should count and I want a gold star for it! 😉

 

 

What My Stomach Feels

This may seem strange to other people but…I don’t really know what the sensations my stomach sends out mean, at least not every time…do other people know how to decode the sensations they feel in their stomachs? I think they probably do, which just makes me a weirdo in yet another way. *rolls eyes*

I gained another pound this week. Last week I lost 0.4lbs so it is safe to say I am NOT impressed. I want to be going down in weight, not staying the same, or going up, and yet, if you average the month I stayed the same. sigh. I go up a little. I go down a little. I go up a little. I go down a little. You get the idea. It sucks!

I can’t find the correlation between what I am doing wrong and the weight gain, I mean ok sure I had a couple binges in there…maybe more than a couple, but I counteracted the binges with restricting days and increased activity so I thought things would be ok.

They are not ok.

So I made a promise to myself, which I already hate because I loathe people who break promises but oh man, this one is freakin hard and I shouldn’t have done it.

I promised myself that every single time I eat something I will eat along with that meal or snack either some fruit or some veggies. I haven’t been eating them very often because well, oh geez, the explanation might need its own paragraph…

Ok, so I tend to not eat fruits and veg not because I don’t like them but because they are not a safe food. You would think they would be safe right? I know a lot of people who have veggies for safe foods because they are low cal but I don’t track calories I track Weight Watcher points. In the land of WW fruits and veggies are 0 points, which means you can eat as many as you want and it doesn’t count against your daily points – your Daily Points being how much food you have to eat in a day. So say you eat a 3oz chicken breast and a cup of veggies, you count the chicken but not the veggies when tallying how many points of food you eat.

But! Just because something doesn’t have points in the land of WW doesn’t mean it doesn’t have calories! Or fat! Or carbs!

If I eat those zero point foods then I don’t have enough space in my stomach to eat food that has points. I also mentally can’t handle eating that much food. So…I cut the zero point food out of my world. Not an absolute cut them out, I eat a tiny bit of fruit and veg, but not very much. I figured I was doing a good thing, all those people on WW who eat their daily points worth of food aaaaand eat fruits and veggies, they are taking in waaaaay more calories than they realize! I was being smart, seeing the flaw and adjusting for it.

However, in my more rational moments I realize I am not eating a well balanced meal plan and maybe the lack of ya know, food groups, is affecting my weight loss?

My safe foods are:

oatmeal, PB2 (powdered peanut butter), bread (two slices a day max), protein pancakes, eggs (one a day max), egg whites (two a day max), turkey bacon (two slices a day max), light shredded cheese (20g max a day), plain chicken breasts (2 per week max), 3oz salmon (1-2 per week max), greek yoghurt OR light cottage cheese (2-3 times a week max)

This past week I was craving corn flakes like crazy so I snagged some from work and added those in to the rotation but otherwise, it doesn’t change much. Obviously I don’t eat all that food in one day, but that is what I rotate between.

So yeah…not really seeing fruit or veg in there. I was eating bananas for a while, I was on a real kick with them and ate one a day, and before the banana kick I was also eating apples, the occasional orange, but like I said, I had to stop because if I eat an orange I am full and can’t eat food that has points that I am supposed to track, which means I end up under my points for the day and according to the program rules that is really bad. Like, epic bad.

Back to my promise to myself…I am now swearing that for a week, every time I eat something I will also have a piece of fruit or some veggies.

So tonight after working out I ate veggies with my chicken…and then I didn’t know what my stomach was doing.

It felt weird, it was making noticeable sensations and I have nooooo idea what they meant. Did they mean I hadn’t eaten enough and was hungry? I decided no since I’d just eaten a full meal by anyone’s standards. Did it mean I cooked something wrong and was getting food poisoning? I decided no because I didn’t throw up. Did it mean I ate too much? Quite possibly, I’m not great at understanding portions. Did it mean I ate when I shouldn’t have? Also quite possible, except, I was back from working out for 2 hours and according to the rules of WW and of people who seem to have this normal eating thing figured out, I should be eating.

So what the hell?

My stomach is making all these weird sensations that I can feel, that are distracting me from the tv show I was trying to watch, that are making me get up and move around because I can’t stand to be feeling them, and I don’t know what they mean, and they are freaking me out!

It is so much easier when I don’t eat, I can identify the pain from not eating, the feeling of my stomach giving up on getting food that day, the feeling of being empty.

This? This sensation that came right after I ate, this I can’t identify and oh man I do not like it.

How do I make it stop??

back 2

Flare Up

So apparently the stress of an upcoming first session at ED counselling makes all sorts of ED behaviours flare up to crazy levels. sigh.

This past week and a half I was either restricting more than I had been or wanting to binge eat soooooo much. I knew I was freaking out about today but knowing why I was going crazy didn’t help me to stop going crazy or stop the urges or stop the behaviours.

Why does self-awareness not help stop the urges and behaviours? Seems if I am going to be looking internally at myself and figuring shit out the least that could come from it is lessened ED behaviours.

I guess I am asking for too much *rolls eyes*

So this first 7 weeks is Education Group. Today was sort of an intro to what to expect for the entire 7 weeks as well as talking a bit about why we develop eating disorders, what purpose they can serve, things like that. The group is run by two people and they divided us up in to groups to work together on some little projects. I didn’t mind the two other people in my group but oh man there is a woman in the larger group that I wanted to smack. She is so full of anger and has what appears to be absolutely no control of her anger. Ugh. She is constantly muttering under her breath, swearing, making sharp angry movements and noises when something is said she doesn’t like.

I get it, this process is most likely gonna suck, and she learned today that there is no guarantee of recovery and even if you do recover there is a chance of relapsing and you can even get part way through recovery, say move from Stage 1 to Stage 2 and then relapse back to Stage 1 before moving forward again to eventually reach Stage 3. I don’t see why learning this admittedly sucky information necessitated her behaving so demonstratively and so immaturely.

I guess I shouldn’t judge her too harshly since it has only been one session, and I will try to have a more open mind in regards to her behaviour next week but I really hope she doesn’t keep acting like this.

On another note we are supposed to make sure we are nourished before coming to the session so that we are better able to learn and pay attention. Uh, hello, I’ve been restricting my food for years, I am perfectly capable of learning when malnourished lol I don’t usually eat before noon so no way am I eating before going to this session, it starts at 10am! Who eats that early?? They provide Boost and some sort of bar, maybe a granola bar, not too sure as I went nowhere near either item. If we don’t eat prior, or if we feel the need to eat we are supposed to help ourselves. We are also welcome to bring our own snacks and eat while in the session, as long as we aren’t disruptive about it.

I don’t know why but this strikes me as ridiculous.

Eating some sort of Boost drink or bar when I don’t have the nutritional information is so not gonna happen! And bringing a snack and eating it in front of others? No thanks! Or even just eating in general at that time of day? Nuh-uh!

I’m curious to see if anyone else eats something in front of the group…

hate

stress

What To Say…

I’ve come here and written and then deleted so many posts lately, or sometimes I just come, open a new post and stare at the white screen not knowing where to start. It is frustrating wanting to write but not knowing what I want to say, or knowing what I want to say but not being able to express it well enough to hit “publish”.

I’ve been having a tough time lately, dealing with family stuff, personal stuff, work stuff, just stuff. And yeah, I know everyone has shit to deal with but ya know, some people are better at dealing than others. I know with some things I am great at dealing and other things not so much, shrug, its just how I am I guess.

I ran in to an ex the other day and by some weird fluke I wasn’t looking horrible. It was a race day so I was in my team jersey and yoga pants with all my gear on and I had just finished a race so I wasn’t exactly looking glamorous but since he competes in the same sport he knows what people look like after a race. My team ranked higher than his, which is a first, he was always the one on a better ranking team and he never let me forget it. The thing that stuck with me from that chance encounter is that he has gained weight. Not like some massive amount or anything, but definitely gained. I know noticing and commenting on that makes me seem petty and juvenile but just so you know my side of things, when we were dating he used to tell me I had better not get fat and if I gained weight he would dump me, so sorry if it is rude but it made me grin seeing he got bigger.

Another thing that happened, I was with friends, friends who know I am trying to lose weight but who don’t know I have an ed. There was a huuuuge box of TimBits and one of my friends took the box and shoved it in my face and taunted me, trying to get me to eat them. I kept saying no, which was sooooo freakin hard, and she kept doing it, with others chiming in! I had already eaten 4 which is waaaaaay over the amount I should have eaten and knew I was headed for a binge later in the evening if I wasn’t careful, in fact I was already planning a route home that would take me past a Tim Horton’s so I could buy my own box, scarf them all down, and have no one be the wiser. Ugh. So anyways, there they were, doing their damndest to get me to eat all the TimBits and somehow I managed to stick to my guns and not eat them…well, anymore than the four I already mentioned I ate.

I am pretty mad that they wouldn’t leave me alone but at the same time they don’t know my struggle so how can I expect them to know not to do that? And also, even if they did know my struggle, I don’t want people to have to feel like they have to handle me with kids gloves ya know? I want to be strong enough to deal with whatever comes my way and not internally freak out, or get depressed, or binge as a way to deal. I’m not there yet but maybe one day…

I’ve been feeling really sad lately, for no apparent reason, so I’m putting it down to being in one of my slumps. They happen sometimes and they suck. I can feel when they are starting but have never been able to stop one from starting. It is like being sucked down in to a dark pit, you see you are at the edge and you see the ground crumbling under your feet but you can’t care enough to step back, you just watch as you fall and hope that eventually you figure out how to climb out of the pit. I’ve always managed to climb out eventually but I’m pretty sure one day I won’t be able to…not sure what will happen then…

I’m still losing weight, so that’s good. Not as quickly as I want but hey, down is better than maintaining or going up! Also, if I lose the weight a bit slower people won’t notice it as quickly which means I’ll have fewer people worried or trying to sabotage my efforts so all-in-all, slow might be a better choice for right now. It sucks because I am impatient and want to lose it all right away but I’m trying to focus on slow being better rather than my impatience…I’m not always good at it but I’m trying…

2016-07-29 00.32.59

 

waist