Category Archives: Just Another day

Under Control

Ok today was better, making me feel like an idiot for posting last night when I was freaking out.

Sorry ’bout that.

Today I got my workout in while keeping my calories low and I’m feeling much better about things. More in control.

I’m about to go to bed, just thought I’d pop on here and say things are ok again so as to not leave the most recent post on my blog one of me spazzing lol

ok

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Dentist Time

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, well, technically today since it is 1:15am, but whatever.

I have a love – hate relationship with dentists.

I hate going to the dentist and having someone poke around in my mouth. Ugh.

I love my dentist though because he is crazy hawt, super nice, we have a lovely little flirt every time I am there, and well, it is the most conversation I have with a man pretty much ever. Pathetic I know!

I also love going to the dentist because it gives me a built in legit reason to not eat for most, if not all, of the rest of the day.

WooHoo!

See, tomorrow isn’t a normal check-up and cleaning. Tomorrow he is taking out an old filling and redoing it, he discovered something wrong with it at my standard cleaning a couple weeks ago. I need a ridiculous amount of freezing to not feel anything, so by the time he is done I have lost feeling in the entire side of my face. Literally, the entire side from the bottom of my eye to my jaw. It is crazy. I don’t care for the sensation, or lack there of, when it is frozen or when it is slowly coming back from being frozen. What I do love is that because it is so frozen I can’t eat. Hell, I can barely manage to sip water.

Nothing like trying to drink something and having it dribble out the side of your mouth that you can’t control *rolls eyes*

My appointment is at noon, no way will I eat before going, I don’t eat that early in the day. And when it is over I’ll be too numb to be able to eat anything. So I’ll spend the rest of my day with a warm compress on my cheek, sitting in my apartment chillin, and NOT eating.

I. Can’t. Wait.

Grocery Shopping

Ok so can we talk about grocery shopping for a minute?

I hate it. I hate walking in to the grocery store and being surrounded by all that food. I feel like my brain shuts off and I literally become incapable of action.

I’ll stand at the entrance area to the produce section and just stare, I have no idea what way to go, which foods to aim for, what to buy, so I panic a bit and come to a dead stop. When I finally start moving I tend to walk as if I am wandering aimlessly, all casual like, nothin to see over here thanks, when in reality I know I will end up at the bananas, because they are the only fruit I buy – except frozen, I can buy frozen fruit for my protein smoothies. I will stare wistfully at the apples, and the grapes, and oh man do I stare at the peaches (when they are in season), but I can’t buy any of them. I may contemplate it, try to convince myself that sure I can eat an apple this week, and then I remember all the other times I tried, couldn’t bring myself to eat the apple, ended up composting it and cursing myself for wasting money. So I walk away.

Don’t even ask about how long I stare at things like avocados, it is ridiculous.

Then I walk past all the aisles, I buy almost nothing from an aisle (except tea and diet coke), but I stare down them like they hold great mysterious things, not scary foods I will never buy and don’t even want to walk past. Over to the yoghurt, that I stare at, and then walk away from. I eventually reach the milk, that I will buy as I put some in my tea.

If I am feeling strong I will walk out through the bakery section, eyeballing all those various pastries and cakes and feeling proud that I am not buying any of them, even though I want them all.

The entire time I tend to have a hand in my jacket pocket, clenched, or if my arms are crossed than one hand is gripping the opposite arm for dear life. Body language! I’m sure a shrink would have a field day watching the body language of a person with an eating disorder when they are in a grocery store.

I hate that I can literally become so paralyzed and overwhelmed that I can’t move, or make a decision. I can stare at a bag of salad for ages, completely indecisive about whether I should risk buying it or not. The questions I ponder, the list of pros and cons I mentally go through, as I stare at each different food, it takes forever, and is depressing, and since I can never figure out the answer to the problem of if I should buy the item or not, I end up not buying it.

At times, the regret and sadness I feel when walking away from something is super real. But I can’t find a good enough reason to buy the item, or even believe that if I were to buy it I’d be able to eat it. And if I’m not going to be able to eat it then why bother wasting the money?

I’ve tried variations on grocery shopping, buy everything all at once, buy only a couple things at a time, go with a list, wing it and see what I feel like buying, none of it helps.

I inevitably end up with the same items. Milk, bananas (though those are becoming increasingly harder to buy lately), tea, diet coke, boneless skinless chicken breast, frozen veggies, frozen fruit, eggs, and lately some cheese.

I’ve been trying to eat cereal, and sometimes I can. Lucky for me it lasts a long time in the cupboard lol I’ve bought crackers for meal support, they always go stale before I finish the box so I compost them but I’ve bought them twice now, which for me is impressive because I hadn’t bought crackers for more years than I can remember until needing them the other month for meal support. I don’t like seeing them in my cupboard though, and when I bought them I felt like I was doing something wrong, like people would be judging me for having them in my basket.

Other people seem to find grocery shopping fun, or at least not immobilizing. I wonder what that must be like?

Right Back

Every week I have meal support. When it was first recommended I go I said no, I mean c’mon, look at how big I am, I obviously don’t have trouble eating *rolls eyes*

It was casually suggested a couple more times, to which I casually dismissed the idea, and then the dietitian learned a bit more about me and challenged me to go to meal support.

Well fuck. I’m competitive and don’t back down from challenges, so guess who ended up at meal support?

Sigh. Me.

I went once and swore I was never going back.

Obviously, somewhere along the way, I went back. I don’t remember exactly when, prior to Christmas I think it was, and I make it pretty much every week. It is part of my routine now. A stressful part that I always want to skip, and yet, I go. Not only that I encourage others to go! Who am I becoming??

The dietitian who runs meal support is going on vacation and will be gone for two weeks, nobody else was able to cover the group, so the next two weeks don’t have meal support.

At first I was ambivalent, then kinda happy I can sleep in, then sorta sad I won’t be hanging out with my friends in that group, then the eating disorder thoughts started making themselves known.

My friends in that group and I thought maybe we’d all get together anyways, so we don’t lose that support system, ideas got tossed around about what we will do, when, where, all that stuff. Instead of a lunch time meal support we are getting together a bit later in the day, mid afternoon-ish, learning about essential oils, aaaaaand having a freakin pot luck.

What. The. Fuck.

A potluck where the food is all being brought by people with eating disorders.

I don’t even know what this will look like. I do know it is causing me some stress trying to figure out what to bring, and how much, and am I supposed to bring something that has all the food groups, or am I assuming someone else will bring something that has say, dairy, so my dish doesn’t have to have dairy. Oh the thoughts!

Then this happened…

I was making up my grocery list, I use an app called Flipp. There are some items I leave on there because I buy them often so when I am at the store and scan through the list it’ll have the reminder for say, milk, and I’ll know if I’m low and need some that week or can wait. One of those items is Greek Yoghurt. That is only on the list because of meal support. It is my go-to for the dairy component of the meal that I take every week. If I didn’t have to take a dairy item to meal support I wouldn’t have any dairy on my grocery list. I have recently started buying cheese, not as a food to take to meal support, but as a direct result of eating a dairy item each week at meal support. Apparently I am branching out with my dairy and also eating cheese every now and then when at home.

The point of that ramble is that when I was making up my grocery list this evening, I saw Greek Yoghurt on the list and my first thought was:

“Don’t need to buy that this week”

And then I mentally started thinking of all the other foods I won’t be buying this week because I’m not in meal support so I don’t need them for this week, or next. They aren’t even all foods that I use in meal support! It’s like my brain figures meal support is done for two weeks so bam! Let’s go back to how I was before I ever went.

Seriously??

Is this where my brain is?

Some recovery journey I’m on *rolls eyes* As soon as backs are turned I’m thinking about what I can get away with not eating for two weeks and gleefully wondering how much weight I can drop before she gets back and anybody notices.

My one-on-sessions haven’t ended yet, I still have three more weeks before he leaves, so I guess I’ll probably bring this up to him when I see him, except that isn’t until Wednesday, and who knows what I’ll convince myself of by then.

Here I thought I was getting closer to being able to eat oatmeal again and instead I’m mentally throwing out food that is in my fridge and freezer and promising myself I’ll never buy it again.

I feel like I can’t be left to my own devices, or trusted to not go off the deep end. And what is really a pisser is I hadn’t even realized how much meal support was reigning my behaviours in! What else haven’t I noticed?

Is It An ED Thing?

I haven’t been feeling well for a little while now, and it is pissing me off.

I am having all these disjointed symptoms that haven’t coalesced in to any one thing. By that I mean I haven’t come down with the flu, or a cold, or anything that I can point to and say “This is why I haven’t been feeling well, my body was trying to battle this bug.” I just have all these random things, that are leaving me feeling like crap.

I’m cold, all the time. I’m always cold but this is a deep in the bone, goosebumps always on my arms, leaving me feeling fragile, level of cold.

Except randomly during the night I wake up soaked in my own sweat (lovely image I know), so apparently night sweats are a thing my body does now.

I also have no appetite, shocking.

I’m tired, 24/7. I slept almost 9 hours last night and woke up exhausted. It took me 2 hours to get out of bed today, and the only reason I managed to force myself to get up was because I had to go to work.

I sprained my wrist…which ok, isn’t really a symptom, I’m just being whiny cause it hurts lol

My shoulder and arm and chest muscles are freaking killing me. I had two workouts in a row that focused on those muscles, not the wisest thing to do, but that was Wednesday and Thursday, and I am still paying for it. So not normal!

My energy level could be graded in the negatives, which I suppose ties in to the whole tired all the time thing.

I’m getting headaches and just sorta feeling blah.

Oh and the brain fog, I swear I am getting dumber by the day and my ability to concentrate has disappeared.

Today my throat was killing me, it still is but not at quite the same level.

I’m getting dizzy more often. It used to be I’d get dizzy when going up stairs at any speed but especially if I went quickly. Earlier today I leaned over to pick something up and when I stood up, dizzy.

My eyelashes are falling out faster than normal. *pout*

My “give a fuck” level is at rock bottom – that’s probably more of an emotional thing though, but I think it has gotten to where it is because I’ve been feeling like crap for so many days in a row now.

I’ve started getting these leg cramps that are so painful they make me cry and I have to muffle myself so I don’t make any noise. My leg muscle is so, what would be the word, clenched? Engaged? Whatever it is, that my foot is literally pulled up in to an extreme flexed position and I have to use my hands to try to force it back down to a normal angle, and fyi, doing that freakin hurts!

I can feel my heart, which sounds weird, I mean, if you focus on it anyone can feel their heart as it does it’s thing. But sometimes I can really feel it, like the sensation of my heart beating is somehow exaggerated, no, that isn’t the right word, more forceful maybe? Or maybe it is just that I am noticing it more at that moment?

Do you see what I mean? Some of the things on that list are more emotional or mental, so not really a physical symptom. Some of them are things that could be explained if my body was trying to fight off something and was tired from that extra work. Some of them are just stupid (sprained wrist for instance lol), and some just flat out confuse me.

I wonder if it is just too many things happening at one time and my body can’t keep up with all it has to do. Like, maybe my muscles still hurt because my body is busy trying to fight off whatever bug is making me feel tired and giving me night sweats and stealing my appetite that it just can’t deal with post-workout muscle rebuilding. And maybe my eyelashes are falling out because, well, I don’t know. But maybe the leg cramps are because I need more Vitamin C – years ago I was told to drink orange juice if I ever got a muscle cramp because the Vitamin C helps. I don’t drink juice but I could try taking a Vitamin C tablet. Maybe I should start taking a multi-vitamin again…

Before I get off on a tangent about vitamins…

I just don’t know. Maybe some of the symptoms are related to my ED, but how do I pull apart which are ED related and which aren’t. Even if I thought about going to the doctor I can’t very well show up with that list and expect her to do anything other than think I am crazy. That is a ridiculous list of things that aren’t even connected.

I’m pretty sure it is just a weird time where my body is dealing with a couple things too many and so it is struggling to take care of everything. And that can happen to anyone, whether they have an ED or not.

As a result of how crappy I was feeling today I got my shift covered tomorrow and I am taking a day off. I don’t normally have a day off, and to be honest, I already made walking / hiking plans for the afternoon – it is supposed to be a beautiful day and I don’t want to waste the sunshine! Though I never really feel that sleeping is wasting anything…and that is what I would be doing if I didn’t make plans…I’d be sleeping, probably all day, which is ridiculously lazy.

I don’t know where I am going with this post, not like I think some doctor is reading this and would provide me medical advice. It just helps me to write it down and send it out to the blogosphere sometimes.

Does anybody else out there have any symptoms like this? Or used to but doesn’t now? Just askin…ya know, for a friend. 😉

A Win That Feels Like A Loss

Today is a day I had practice (for my sport) and I’ve been working really hard on remembering to eat an hour an a half (or so) prior to heading out to practice so my body is properly fueled for the activity I am about to make it take part in.

I never used to do that, it is kind of a new deal for me, and not one that comes naturally. I’m trying it with all activity, whether it is the gym, practice, a hike, whatever.

The only thing I had to do out of the apartment today was practice so I let myself sleep in. When I woke up the first time all I was aware of was how everything hurt. My muscles were really feeling the work out I gave them the night before at the gym and oh man the pain. I mean yeah ok, it is a good pain, but it is still pain, ya know?

I rolled over and went back to sleep, then repeated the whole wake-up, roll over, snooze a bit longer deal at least twice more. Partly that was because I like to sleep but I don’t do it very well at night so if I have a day where I can sleep in and catch up a bit I like to. It is also a left over habit where I sleep through as many meals as I can, thereby limiting how much food I have to take in during the day. I hate days where I am up early and don’t get to bed till late, I can restrict during those days, and if you were to look at how many calories I take in on those days I probably still technically fall on the side of restricting, but I eat more on those days than I am comfortable with and I fully blame that on being up so early and having such a long day…that and my lack of willpower, sigh.

Back to today! I ate for the first time at 2pm and oh man, I so didn’t want to. I didn’t feel hungry. I didn’t want to eat. I just wanted to drink some tea and do nothing but another thing I try to do is if I have a day where I have loads of time then instead of a super fast / quick to make meal as my first meal I will actually cook something. I thought I might be hungry by the time I finished cooking, which was the only reason I cooked anything, but I wasn’t. I was however left with a plateful of food and a real anger at myself that I was going to waste the food and the money I spent buying the food, so I started eating. I didn’t think I’d finish what I made (I made too much) but I did, and I immediately felt guilty for eating when I hadn’t felt hungry, and well, a whole bunch of other things, but I don’t wanna bore you with my internal monologue, just know it ain’t pretty. *rolls eyes*

Something I am trying to count as a win from that meal was I prepped too many fillings for the omelette I made and instead of throwing them out I put them in a little dish and ate them as a side dish to my omelette. Kind of weird, but ok, I guess…So, does that count as a win because I didn’t throw out the food or a loss because it contributed to me eating too much?

How do people figure these things out??

I realized when I was getting ready for practice I had screwed myself by eating at 2pm because practice is at 7pm so I needed to eat something around 5:30pm (I have to leave by 6pm) and if you think I was at all hungry then you are delusional. There was nooooo room in my tummy for another meal, and I didn’t want a snack, so I decided my 2pm meal would see me through practice. To give you a clear picture, that would mean that meal would be fueling me through a two hour outdoor high intensity practice and I wouldn’t be home and in a position to eat anything until 10:30pm or so.

I suppose that is expecting a lot from that meal?…but to me it seems an ok choice.

When I went to leave for practice though I discovered it was pouring rain and my outdoor two hour intensive practice now got raised a level because I’d be doing everything in the cold, pouring rain. Just. Freakin. Great.

So I remembered what my counsellor said about food being fuel, which got me thinking of food as the source needed to fuel a fire, and me needing fuel to fire up my energy levels for practice, and next thing you know I am eating a protein bar while driving to practice.

I know that chain of thoughts makes no sense, but it does to me.

I thought, if I ate the protein bar, it would help me stay warm and be able to power through practice. And since I am cold all the time, especially on the water, anything that might help my body stay a little bit warmer is something I am willing to consider.

There was some definite negative feelings about eating that protein bar, but I just kept focusing on it being a tool to help me be my best at practice, and eventually I was at practice and too busy working hard to think about it anymore.

After I got home and showered, I was once again trying to figure out what to do about food. I didn’t feel hungry, I didn’t want anything, but even I know that what I ate during the day would not be considered enough with the activity I did, so I made something high in protein to eat. I was going to make a simple protein shake but instead made actual food, well, to be honest, I heated up actual food that was left over from earlier in the week.

When I first decided to write this post I was going to write about how I ate the protein bar on the way to practice and I think that is a win. But when I look at my day overall I feel whatever small wins I managed barely count, especially when I feel so badly about them and don’t know if I consider them a win or a loss.

It isn’t fair that a win can feel like a loss, though that does seem to be the nature of recovery. You have a win by doing something your eating disorder doesn’t want you to do, but you feel like it is a loss because you failed your eating disorder, and if you are me, you worry that if you get too far away from your eating disorder you’ll be left with nothing. Because I am nothing, and if I don’t have my behaviours to focus on than what do I have?

And wow, that got kinda deep all of a sudden.

Numbers

It’s all just a numbers game.

What do I weigh? What are my measurements? How many calories did I eat? How many calories did I burn? How many hours did I sleep? How many hours did I spend in various recovery groups this week? How many times a day do I struggle with my eating disorder?

I’m not going to sit here and list the numbers for you. But the above questions are numbers I think about often.

I am terrified of the scale. I know a lot of people with eating disorders weigh themselves obsessively, hell, I used to be one of them, but I am so scared of the number the scale will show that I can’t bring myself to step on it.

You might think this is a good thing but in actuality it means I spend a ridiculous amount of time wondering what I weigh. I will think I know, and beat myself up for how fat I am. I will convince myself I have gained ten pounds in the past week and that I am so huge I shouldn’t be seen in public and none of my clothes will fit or look good, and if I hadn’t skipped that one gym session, or hadn’t eaten that one meal, then I wouldn’t be as fat as I am now. And then the thoughts get mean.

There are weight restrictions for one of my jobs though so no matter what, once a month I have to stand on a scale.

Today I had to not only stand on a scale but take full body measurements – not for work, for something else. I then have to repeat the process on the last day of March to show improvement. Which of course means I am freaking out because what if I don’t show improvement? What if instead of getting in to a bit better shape I just get fatter? Oh my god please don’t let me get fatter, I won’t be able to handle it.

So now I know my weight aaaaaand all my body measurements and my head has been spinning with those numbers all day.

See, when I step on the scale the result goes one of two ways:

(1) the number is higher than what I can stand seeing and I immediately start restricting even more and working out even harder to fix it

(2) the number is lower than I was expecting, I am happy (even though I want it even lower), and I become terrified of screwing up and having the number go up, so I start restricting even more and working out even harder to make sure I don’t screw up the loss

Not really great responses huh?

Today I stood on the scale with the full knowledge of what the scale said in January, sure that it was up ten pounds from that number because dammit I know my body and I know I have gotten fatter. *stomps foot*

The number was ten pounds lower than my weight in January. Ten pounds lower. But I was 100% sure I was up. So how could I be down? The scale must be broken, obviously! So I reset it and tried again. Still ten pounds down.

So, yay?

I mean yay, I am happy I lost weight, obviously, but um, I was so sure I’d gone up, it was like I didn’t know what to do with this information.

Now, before anyone worries, I am not someone who is underweight, or even near to being underweight, so losing ten pounds isn’t a dangerous thing for me. Trust me, I still have a lot of cushion on this body, unfortunately.

Then I took my measurements. They don’t have as big of an effect on me as I was never much of a measurement focused person. I am curious to see how they change in a month though, but not in a “they must get to a certain number” type of way, just a general curiosity.

Weird how I can be so affected by the scale number but not so much by the measuring tape numbers huh?

Seeing that I was down, after I started to believe it, had me immediately thinking of what foods to cut out, and how much to cut out, and how much I can increase my exercise, to not screw this up. I am convinced it is some weird fluke and won’t last unless I am super careful.

But…that reaction goes against what I am learning in recovery, sigh. Also, I had my team practice tonight and in my one-on-ones we talked about how I need to properly fuel my body for when I work out and when I have my sports practices because if I don’t fuel my body I can’t perform to my best ability and I increase my chances of getting hurt. So I try to make sure I eat an hour and a half or so before any work out or activity that I take part in. It sucks, and is hard, but I try…I don’t always succeed, in case you were wondering lol

Today I had no excuse to not eat before practice, but I was thinking I could eat just that small meal before practice and nothing else, cause that would be ok, right? Ok, wrong, I know wrong, but it still feels right.

Brace yourself, are you sitting down? Because not only did I eat around 1:30 pm, I also ate at 5:30 pm (my pre practice meal), aaaaand when I got home after practice I ate something around 11 pm. That is three times in one day eating food! And ok, granted, not all food groups were included at each meal, and the word meal might be an ambitious use of the word since each time the food quantity was kinda low, but the fact that I ate three times should count for something, right? Maybe…I dunno…maybe I am stretching here, sigh.

For someone who hates math my head sure has a lot of numbers in it lol

I don’t really know where I was going with this post, except that I have nobody I can share the news that I lost ten pounds with, and nobody to share the news that I ate three times in one day with, and I just wanted to say it somewhere, out loud, even if it is actually being typed not spoken.