Category Archives: proana

An Achievement

Something to celebrate, a small achievement, but one I am proud of.

Though, I don’t know how best to describe it and I don’t post pictures of myself on here so not like I can show you…lemme try to explain…

You know when you lay down on your back and lift your head to look down the length of your body to see how flat and bony it looks?

Well, when I got home today I stripped out of my clothes in order to put on some cozy sweats but I lay down on the bed first. As I was laying on the bed in only my underwear I started feeling my ribs and hips with my hands.

No, I wasn’t feeling myself up or anything, I just like to test out my bones, see if they are getting more prominent. I don’t really see myself as I am most of the time so I find I can get a better idea of how much I am losing (or heaven forbid, gaining!) if I feel without looking.

Anyways!

My hip bone felt bonier, I was laying on my side though so it doesn’t really count. So I rolled over onto my back and was feeling my hips and thought “yup, they do feel more pronounced” so I decided to chance it and I looked down the length of my body to take a look at my hips.

Normally when I do this all I see if fat so I don’t like doing this.

Today though I noticed my rib cage is sticking out farther than my breasts (don’t take that as being too impressive, my bra was off and my boobs were flattened from gravity, stupid gravity, sigh) but the big thing, the exciting thing, the thing I am proud of is that there was a gap between my skin and my panties because my panties were held aloft from my body by my hips.

I had a panty gap!

Which I don’t know if that is what it is actually called but who the fuck cares? I have one!

Aaaaaand since my explanation makes nooooo sense I’m gonna try to find a pic…

tumblr_n3gz1dyRLP1syke28o1_250

Ok so see in the picture above how the waistband isn’t touching the torso cuz the hipbones stick out? That is what mine are doing now!

Only I don’t look as good as in this picture cuz this girl is way skinnier than me. But hey, I’m getting there! *crosses fingers*

I’ve been getting better with keeping my calories low and my binges less frequent. I think I sorta inadvertently reset when my friend died. I was so upset that I lost my appetite completely and when it started to come back I was better able to be ruthless about not giving in to it.

I’m going to have to be extra strict for the next week or so as I hurt my knee and can’t run until it is a bit more stable. I’m going to try the bike at the gym tomorrow, see if I can manage that ok, if so then I guess that’ll be my cardio for a while, which sucks balls cause I get a way better workout from running (even though I hate running with a passion) but it is either take it easy for a week and then be ok or push myself and hurt my knee even more which then prevents me from working out at all, for months. It has happened. It is horrible. I really can’t go through that again.

I think I’ll be able to maintain the strictness though, now that I have that panty gap, it’ll be great motivation. After all, I just got it, I don’t want to lose it!

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Decisions Decisions

I’ve hit a plateau and I’m pissed about it. According to weight watchers, if I follow their rules, I will lose weight. Maybe I won’t lose it as fast as I would like but I will lose it.

It hasn’t been a total fail, I have lost 11.8lbs in a so-called healthy way, which is a novelty lol normally I lose weight by starving myself, so seeing the number on the scale get smaller while eating every day has been odd.

I’ve been struggling with the whole eating every day thing, and the amount of food they want me to eat every day, but I’ve been trying my best to keep to their rules.

Well! I think their plan is flawed. I’ve been following the rules and for three weeks now I have stayed the same weight. The exact same weight! Who does that??

It is pissing me off. Grr!

I have decided to cut back on the amount of food I eat in a day and see if that helps. In the world of weight watchers food is converted to smart points and you get so many smart points a day. I get 30 smart points a day and am supposed to eat them all every single day. Ugh.

I’ll start small, I’m going to eat 25 smart points worth of food per day, well ok, today I ate 24, but its close, just one less than the plan. I was going to go down to 20 but maybe dropping by 10 (that is 1/3 of my allotted food per day) is too big of a drop. I want to shock my body out of this plateau but not freak it out ya know?

I feel so much better now that I have made this decision. I feel calmer, more in control, more like I am taking strides to achieve my goal. Its nice to feel like I am making the choices again vs blindly following someone else’s rules.

It makes sense if you think about it, I need to lose weight, I shouldn’t be eating so much if I want to lose weight and cutting back on how much I eat each day should help me reach my goal faster. It’ll still be a healthy weight loss, I’m not cutting down to super low quantities of food like I’ve done in the past so its not like I’m starving myself. I’m just being more proactive in my efforts. 🙂

I feel so much better now that I’ve made this decision. 😀

applause

All I Think About

To make up for the disaster that was my food yesterday I swore today I’d be careful with what I eat. I slept most of the day, which helped lol I went almost 24 hours without eating which I suppose some people would think is a bad thing but makes me feel better about things. I ate bread sticks and chocolate chip cookies yesterday, I had to counter act that somehow! I had originally planned to work out three times today, instead of my normal one or two times but when I woke up it was 4:27pm and that kinda through me for a loop, and ruined my schedule. Oops.

So instead I restricted…

My first meal was one egg, two slices of turkey bacon and an apple. I knew I’d be hungry again later so I planned ahead for that and had what I tell people in real life is a snack or treat but in actuality it is something I consider a meal. I take a Special K Protein Drink, chocolate flavour, blend it with a frozen banana and maybe some other frozen fruit and boom! It is yummy, depending on how much fruit to liquid ratio there is it either turns out as a smoothie type drink or an ice cream type texture food I can put in a bowl and eat with a spoon. The fruit mixed with the chocolate drink makes it taste good and despite the drink being so high in calories (190!) I seem to be ok with it.

So there ya have it, my food for the day, I clocked in with having eaten 558 calories for the day, I suppose I could have eaten less, I know I did last Tuesday, but at least I didn’t eat more. Any day I eat under 700 calories I count as a win because usually I eat somewhere between 700 – 780 calories and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to consistently eat less than that without consequences, sigh.

I see other women who are so skinny, who I imagine never binge on bread sticks, or cave and eat ice cream, women who look amazing and I envy, and I wonder how many calories they eat, how do they manage it, it must be a low number and I feel like such a failure I can’t eat less and get skinny faster.

I wish I ate less. And yes I know, I am the one in control of how much and what I eat so if I want to eat less I should just eat less but its hard.

All I seem to think about is food. Like today, when I woke up, before I got out of bed I planned what I was going to eat, running through my safe food choices and for some reason I thought I’d cook the egg and turkey bacon, fry up some sliced tomato and put it all on toast, have a BLT but with turkey bacon instead of pig bacon. I actually thought that up and thought I would do it, for a second or two anyways, before I reminded myself that I don’t eat bread anymore, and I can’t have the miracle whip I would have put on the sandwich, and basically the whole meal is one big fat nope. Why would I even think of that? It made my actual meal seem so much less satisfying, sigh.

After that, while I was sitting and reading a portion of my brain was constantly thinking about food. What will I eat next, what time will I eat, then it was thinking of foods I can’t eat, and thinking of binge eating, and just over and over and over again food was in my thoughts.

It sucks.

I got asked by the lady who called me about my referral to the adult ed program how often I think about food, from 1% to 100% of the day, to rate it. I didn’t know what to say, how do I rate shit like that? I said somewhere in the 90s buuuuuut maybe it is actually higher. Thing is, I know my food issues are nowhere near as bad as other peoples’ are so if they are thinking about food 100% then I must be thinking about it less, so maybe I should have said like 85%? I dunno. It is like rating pain on a scale of 1 to 10, I suck at that too because pain can always get worse so I never want to rate it high, even if it is, because I feel I have to leave room for it to increase…does that make sense?

My brain feels fuzzy and I am having trouble focusing. I want to write something else, something to describe how I am feeling and what I am going through but I can’t seem to form the words right now. I should’ve had more caffeine earlier lol I can’t have it now though because I need to sleep because I have to get up at a normal time tomorrow and I’ve totally messed up my sleep schedule. Though, along with the fuzzy and lack of focusing brain I also feel tired so maybe I’ll get to sleep ok…we shall see!

hard work

 

I Was Wrong

Ok so yesterday I was all “I don’t know how I feel” and “I know I should feel worse about eating but I don’t” blah blah blah…wellllll…turns out the feeling worse about myself for eating was laying low, waiting to pounce on me today, sigh.

Yesterday I followed as close as I could to the new eating plan, I wasn’t perfect but I did the best I could, and as a result ate way more food in a day than normal for me, but less than what is normal for other people. I’m trying to up my protein so what I ate was healthy, and filling, and oh boy did I feel it sitting in my stomach. I wasn’t able to eat dinner cause of eating during the day but I figured I’d work up to it since normally I only eat one meal a day and yesterday I ate two. Two!

I was surprised I didn’t feel worse about myself for eating, I wasn’t sitting here insulting myself or telling myself how fat I am and it is my fault because of eating so much food today, basically I didn’t have all the negative thoughts and feelings about myself that I have when I eat. I think I didn’t have all those negative thoughts because I was following a program so I kind of sort of had permission to eat, in a way…

Today that came back to bite me in the ass.

I slept in, which I tend to do on Tuesdays, woke up with a headache and feeling not great. I had my first meal of the day around 4pm – 4:30pm and it was two slices of turkey bacon, two over easy eggs (well, more like one and a half because the first egg I cooked got so stuck to the pan I could only save half of it lol) and an apple.

My plan was to eat a small snack before practice then a protein shake after practice but after I ate my eggs and turkey bacon aaaaand apple I couldn’t bare the thought of more food. Just..no.

According to my Lose It! app I had eaten 310 calories and I knew adding a snack and a protein drink would put me hundreds and hundreds of calories higher (mostly from the protein drink, not the snack cause my snacks are tiny) and I just…couldn’t.

Problem was that I knew that if I went to practice I would be ravenous afterwards and that would make it harder to not eat something and I was worried if I went to practice, then didn’t eat, I might end up binging because of getting so hungry I lose control soooooo I skipped practice aaaaaaaand didn’t eat.

I feel good about my choice for not having a second meal. Though I did cave around 12:45am and I ate some plain Greek yoghurt with half a banana sliced on top, which put me at a whopping 425 calories for the day. 😦

Now I am back to feeling like a loser for eating so much today and not exercising. I am also back to staring at myself in the mirror and criticizing myself because it is my fault I look like this and I am not doing enough to fix it. Guess I’m not going to be buffered from all this self-loathing that pops up when I eat because of following an eating plan…which is too bad but probably for the best cause imagine how much food I might eat if I didn’t get reigned in from eating by feeling all this guilt…

looks better

Back To Restricting

I don’t know about you but I work well with a deadline. If the deadline is far away then it might as well not exist, it has no impact on me, but if it is close and looming over me I am awesome at doing whatever needs to be done.

My newest deadline, well, newest big deadline, is Dec 21 when I go back home for Christmas. I live a province away from all my family so I spend most of the year away from their prying eyes. You’d think this would be great but the stress of going back home usually has me binge eating in the weeks leading up to a visit so I feel like every time I go back I am huge and being judged on my weight. I hate it.

This time however I seem to be doing the opposite. I have been doing a really good job of restricting my calories aaaaaand I have bumped up my exercising so yay!

I think part of what is keeping me from binge eating is that I have a Christmas party coming up on Friday so no way do I want to binge before that, plus, I was super sick not yesterday Monday but the Monday prior and it took a while to get any sort of appetite back. The lack of appetite from being sick is what led me in to my newest bought of restricting. When I was recovering everything tasted weird and nothing settled in my stomach very well so I ate very little and I’ve managed to maintain that. 😀

I am reeeeeally hoping that after the party I will maintain my restrictive eating with as much ease as I have been able to this past week. I think it will be a bit of a struggle because of the stress of going back home but if I keep myself busy enough maybe I’ll be able to ignore that, or at least control it. 🙂

Camera 360

something about this picture captivates me…

I Don’t Know

I don’t know what I am doing. I am so lost right now. I was restricting, as in super restricting, and doing really well at it. Sure I was tired, and cold, and people kept saying I was looking unwell when looking at my face but on the flip side people were also commenting that I had lost weight and looked great and clothes were fitting better and I thought I could for sure do this. I could get to my goal weight. This is something I can accomplish if I stay strong and keep restricting.

Then I binged. I don’t remember the specifics about the first binge, there have been many. sigh. I’ll go through this cycle of restrict restrict restrict for days and then boom! Binge fest! All that hard work down the drain.

The first binge I was mad at myself but wasn’t super worried because one binge wasn’t going to ruin everything and all I had to do was get back on the restricting bandwagon and I’d be fine. But it was so much harder the next day to limit myself to 500 calories because the day prior I had eaten so many.

So I binged again.

I eventually figured out I had to work my way down to 500 calories again so I started at 900, then the next day I ate 800, then the next day 700, I’m sure you see the pattern.

It worked. Sorta. I was getting my calories down, lower each day, and I could see the potential for this to work again but I swear to god I was (am) getting fatter every.single.day.

Whyyyyyyy?

It seems like the more I restrict the fatter I am getting. My thighs are huge, my stomach sticks out so far I might as well be pregnant, my back fat is horrendous and no one should ever touch me because the rolls would feel so gross under their hands. My arms, my arms that were getting so nice and slim are rounder again. Everything. Everything on me is getting fatter. And if I am getting fatter than what is the point of restricting all the time? This is what my brain screams at me when I am saying no to food. Why say no when it doesn’t matter if I eat or don’t eat, the result is the same, me, fatter.

I am disgusting.

So I started trying something. I made a meal that has multiple food groups, is low calorie, and I like the taste of. Then I made multiple portions of it so every day for 3-4 days I had a healthy meal I could grab from the fridge, that I didn’t have to put any effort in to making, and I didn’t have to calculate calories for because I had already done so. The idea was to make eating easier, a no-brainer, take some stress out of the equation.

It kind of worked…until the day the meals ran out and I hadn’t made anymore yet and I panicked for what to eat that day so I ate nothing. Then the next day all I ate was two pieces of toast. Then the next day I ate what felt like a binge but when I calculated the calories it wasn’t really in the binge amount, it just felt like it was because now all it takes is eating one cookie for me to feel like I have binged and thrown away an entire day of restricting.

Do you know how hard it is to convince yourself to eat 500 calories of food a day when one cookie feels like a binge?

It’s really freakin hard.

I’ve been trying to work myself up to not calorie counting, or at least not down to the very last calorie, and eating 2-3 small meals a day, ya know, like a normal person.

I have this delusion that if I can manage that, and manage all my exercising, I will lose weight quicker than just restricting my calories. I don’t know why I think this, but I do. I worry this is actually me self-sabotaging my weight loss efforts. That I have convinced myself of this as a way to trick myself in to allowing myself to eat so that when I don’t lose weight I can blame it on this new so-called healthy eating plan. That probably doesn’t even make sense, sigh.

So here I am, lost, with no idea what to do, desperate to lose more weight but not sure how to do it.

I see all these other women who got skinny from restricting their food and I wonder why it worked for them and not me. What am I doing wrong? I think there must be a line that has to be crossed, like, sure, you can restrict but if you don’t do it for long enough, or with low enough numbers, than you will never get to the skinny stage, you’ll stay fat and miserable, and I just haven’t figured out that level I need to get to so that I drop the weight. I often wonder if it is like plateauing, I hit a plateau and I need to do something to shock my body so it starts losing weight again, but what do I do? What will shock it? My job has a certain level of physical demands that I have trouble managing if I don’t eat around 500 calories a day, when I go under that I have trouble at work, and I can’t afford to be fired so I can’t see myself cutting down to 300 calories a day, and if I can’t cut my calories further, well, then what? What is my next choice?

I’m all over the board right now. Jumping from one plan to another. One day thinking I’ll try eating the three small meals a day, the next saying I will eat 500 calories and no more, the next saying I will up the exercise levels, the next saying I will somehow find the money to hire a trainer and talk to a dietitian. I am rotating through all these ideas and never sticking to one, never really choosing one and giving it a real try. I know that restricting worked in the past, but that it has stopped working, and I’m not sure what will jump start the weight loss again, so I flounder, unsure what to do, lost and miserable, and fat.

Those three words describe so much of my life: lost, miserable, fat.

no regrets

Others Are Better

I have heard many times about the competition within the eating disorder world. Where Person A will tell Person B they aren’t thin enough to be a “real anorexic” or “sick enough to need help” or that they just “want attention”, stuff like that.

I haven’t experienced that from others but I do say things like that to myself all the time.

I am 100% convinced I don’t really have an eating disorder because I am still so fat. If I had a real eating disorder I would be thin, like the ladies in the thinspo YouTube videos that I watch and the images I google. I’m not sick enough to need help because I’ve never been forced in to treatment somewhere, never full on fainted from lack of food, never had a feeding tube put in me. If I really had an eating disorder I would have had at least one of those experiences, right?

I hate that I am a failure at this. I hate that I am still so fat when all I want is to be thin. I hate this body.

Like seriously, how long is this gonna take? Because it feels like I have been doing this forever and I’m still not at goal weight yet! Arg!

Sometimes I think maybe I am finally doing this thing, maybe I am finally going to succeed. I dedicate myself to restricting my calories, being active, doing everything I can think of to get thin but it doesn’t work. I can’t figure out what I am doing wrong. I mean yeah I have days where I binge eat but I have more days where I eat 750 calories or less, shouldn’t those out weigh the binge days? Or at least help negate some of the damage I did by eating? sigh. I dunno.

I see these other girls in real life and online who are so thin, they did it, they succeeded and I wish I could sit down with them and pick their brains to find out what I am doing wrong.

In some YouTube videos people talk about how much they exercised while eating almost nothing and I know that is somewhere I drop the ball a lot. I want to exercise more but I can’t. Not only because of my schedule but because I barely have the energy to get through my normal day, add on working out and I don’t know how I’ll manage. But that is probably a cop out and I should force myself in to the gym. I mean, if I really wanted to be thin I’d find a way to work out, right?

I spend the bulk of my days off sleeping, I should be spending them working out. It is just that I get so tired by the end of my work week that when I get home I put on sweats, collapse in the living room chair and barely have the energy to do anything besides chill in the chair and sleep in my bed for the next couple days. But ya know it is probably not that I am too tired, it is probably that I am lazy, and obviously not motivated enough.

I’m gonna hafta fix this.

But how? How do I find the motivation to get my lazy butt to the gym, not only on my days off but the days I work? Some people suggest scheduling your work outs the way you schedule your work shifts or doctors appointments, so they are something you can’t miss. That doesn’t really work for me because I know I can miss the work out and no doctors office is going to call to ask where I am, no manager is going to call to say I am fired. The only consequence to my not going is my own self-loathing and that doesn’t seem to be enough to get me there.

How do you motivate yourself to go work out? Do you have any tips or tricks to get your butt out the door?

get there