Tag Archives: weight loss

Tired

I’m tired.

All. The. Time.

I wish I was a cat who could just sleep my days away, but unfortunately I have responsibilities to deal with that force me out of bed much earlier than I want and make me stay up later than I would like.

Then there is the whole problem of not getting a decent sleep when I am finally in bed.

What’s with that?

Seems like some mean trick, not being able to get a decent sleep even though I am so tired.

It was recommended to me I cut out some of my caffeine, so my last drink of the day is now decaf.

It sucks balls.

It also makes me feel tired earlier, which was sorta the point I guess.

The lack of caffeine in that last drink of the day has not magically made it so I can sleep better, or get to sleep faster, or really had any affect on my sleep.

All I notice is I now have more trouble functioning during the day because I am low on caffeine, or at least lower than my norm.

After my friend died I had a two day binge fest. Since then I’ve been a bit more in control of things. Some days I am eating more than I think I should, but not as much as my dietitian wants me to eat. Most days I am still under eating by quite a bit more than I tell my dietitian, I don’t want her to freak out at me. I am also going to the gym more – although that is partially a lie cause last week I was hardly there. A combination of grief, a change in schedule, and really bad cramps kept me away. I plan on recommitting this week though.

I had hoped by going to the gym more I could lose a dress size in time for my one work’s Christmas party but that binge, plus the lack of gym time, has screwed that up for me. So I’ll be as fat as I am right now at the party, which sucks.

I haven’t lost my collarbone, or my shoulder bones, which pleases me. And my hip bones are more noticeable but not as noticeable as I want. I’m getting there though! I’m worried Christmas, well, the month of December really, will derail me, it did last year. The gym will be handy for that, to offset extra food I might eat. I have to be careful though, don’t want to eat more because I think I have a buffer or something.

This post is all over the place, because I am tired and can’t seem to keep a single thought in my head for long before it gets replaced by a new one.

Seriously missing my caffeine right now.

ribs and hips

Goals

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3 Days

For three days in a row I lost 0.5 lbs a day! πŸ™‚ Β That’s 1.5 lbs in three days!

I know other people lose faster but for me that is freakin amazing! I weighed myself Friday and Saturday before work, those days I worked the late shift so I had slept in (ensuring I didn’t have to eat or realize I was skipping breakfast), had a quick step on the scale before getting ready for work, and was quite happy with where the number was going. I wasn’t going to weigh myself Sunday as I worked the early morning shift and I don’t like weighing myself at different times of the day – these things matter ok? For some reason I decided I would hop on the scale “just to see how it differs at 5:30am vs 12:30pm” and holy fuck I was down another half a pound.

Three days in a row!

I was practically beaming with pride.

What is annoying is there is nobody to tell and celebrate with. Nobody else would think this is a good thing, although I am over the moon happy about it.

I didn’t weigh myself today, I worked the early morning shift again and slept in so I didn’t have time to strip, pee, weigh myself, either celebrate with a happy dance or stare at myself in the mirror and criticize myself (if I had gone up), so I skipped the scale today.

I’m thinking I probably should have taken the time to weigh myself because today after work, and after my after work exercise, I ended up buying two different types of ice cream and ordering a burger and fries from a restaurant that has amazing burgers, sigh.

I ate the burger, the fries, and one Drumstick ice cream and holy fuck my stomach is so messed up now. It has been almost 6 hours since I ate the food and I can still feel it in my stomach! Why isn’t it going anywhere?? It is this lump of food, it is painful, my stomach is actually rounder (food baby anyone? ugh), I am so uncomfortable – and not just “omg I ate something my brain is panicking” uncomfortable, you know, the kind that is all a mental game that you can try to distract yourself from. Nope, this is actual physical discomfort that is making me feel sick, but not throwing up sick, just so not well in my stomach. I don’t have the words to describe how it feels, its just bad ok? It feels bad.

So all that happiness, that pride, that yay I am doing so well at losing weight and being so good with my restricting has come to an abrupt end. A brutal, fast, calorie dense, end.

Sigh.

Why do I always have to fuck up like this?

To top it off I cancelled my appointment with my nutritionist for this week, and tomorrow I will be calling to cancel my being at group session this week. In my defense this isn’t a random decision, I got offered a 12 hour work day for that day and I really need the money so I would have cancelled a visit with the Pope in order to take the work. It does suck that I’m cancelling two recovery related things though…except, does it suck? It should suck. If this was two weeks ago I’d probably be bummed, hell, I might have convinced myself to not take the work, but it’s been a little while since I’ve had a one-on-one cause of scheduling and I barely said two words in group last week so it was almost like not being there, and well, I’ve sorta distanced myself emotionally from the whole process.

I’m debating staying in the recovery program. I don’t know that it is for me. I think I was becoming too reliant on having people that I saw on a regular basis when really, I need to learn how to stand on my own, how to cope with stuff by myself. I think I’ve gotten a bit better, I don’t binge nearly as much now, and that is what I wanted help with. My restricting has become the more prominent behaviour which is helping me lose weight and that was the end goal I wanted – not necessarily to be restricting more but to be binge eating less so I’d lose the weight I put on from binge eating.

And wow this got off track lol this was supposed to be about how I was so excited that I lost half a pound a day for three days in a row – and I would still be happy about that, if I didn’t have a burger and fries and ice cream sitting in my stomach slowly trying to kill me. Ugh.

Does anybody know if slow digestion of a large quantity of food after restricting for a while is normal? I think I heard somewhere the digestion process slows down or something? I swear I can already see the fat from the food making my body fatter, not just my stomach but everywhere. 😦  Thank goodness I have a high activity, low food day, planned for tomorrow!

stop eating 2

What My Stomach Feels

This may seem strange to other people but…I don’t really know what the sensations my stomach sends out mean, at least not every time…do other people know how to decode the sensations they feel in their stomachs? I think they probably do, which just makes me a weirdo in yet another way. *rolls eyes*

I gained another pound this week. Last week I lost 0.4lbs so it is safe to say I am NOT impressed. I want to be going down in weight, not staying the same, or going up, and yet, if you average the month I stayed the same. sigh. I go up a little. I go down a little. I go up a little. I go down a little. You get the idea. It sucks!

I can’t find the correlation between what I am doing wrong and the weight gain, I mean ok sure I had a couple binges in there…maybe more than a couple, but I counteracted the binges with restricting days and increased activity so I thought things would be ok.

They are not ok.

So I made a promise to myself, which I already hate because I loathe people who break promises but oh man, this one is freakin hard and I shouldn’t have done it.

I promised myself that every single time I eat something I will eat along with that meal or snack either some fruit or some veggies. I haven’t been eating them very often because well, oh geez, the explanation might need its own paragraph…

Ok, so I tend to not eat fruits and veg not because I don’t like them but because they are not a safe food. You would think they would be safe right? I know a lot of people who have veggies for safe foods because they are low cal but I don’t track calories I track Weight Watcher points. In the land of WW fruits and veggies are 0 points, which means you can eat as many as you want and it doesn’t count against your daily points – your Daily Points being how much food you have to eat in a day. So say you eat a 3oz chicken breast and a cup of veggies, you count the chicken but not the veggies when tallying how many points of food you eat.

But! Just because something doesn’t have points in the land of WW doesn’t mean it doesn’t have calories! Or fat! Or carbs!

If I eat those zero point foods then I don’t have enough space in my stomach to eat food that has points. I also mentally can’t handle eating that much food. So…I cut the zero point food out of my world. Not an absolute cut them out, I eat a tiny bit of fruit and veg, but not very much. I figured I was doing a good thing, all those people on WW who eat their daily points worth of food aaaaand eat fruits and veggies, they are taking in waaaaay more calories than they realize! I was being smart, seeing the flaw and adjusting for it.

However, in my more rational moments I realize I am not eating a well balanced meal plan and maybe the lack of ya know, food groups, is affecting my weight loss?

My safe foods are:

oatmeal, PB2 (powdered peanut butter), bread (two slices a day max), protein pancakes, eggs (one a day max), egg whites (two a day max), turkey bacon (two slices a day max), light shredded cheese (20g max a day), plain chicken breasts (2 per week max), 3oz salmon (1-2 per week max), greek yoghurt OR light cottage cheese (2-3 times a week max)

This past week I was craving corn flakes like crazy so I snagged some from work and added those in to the rotation but otherwise, it doesn’t change much. Obviously I don’t eat all that food in one day, but that is what I rotate between.

So yeah…not really seeing fruit or veg in there. I was eating bananas for a while, I was on a real kick with them and ate one a day, and before the banana kick I was also eating apples, the occasional orange, but like I said, I had to stop because if I eat an orange I am full and can’t eat food that has points that I am supposed to track, which means I end up under my points for the day and according to the program rules that is really bad. Like, epic bad.

Back to my promise to myself…I am now swearing that for a week, every time I eat something I will also have a piece of fruit or some veggies.

So tonight after working out I ate veggies with my chicken…and then I didn’t know what my stomach was doing.

It felt weird, it was making noticeable sensations and I have nooooo idea what they meant. Did they mean I hadn’t eaten enough and was hungry? I decided no since I’d just eaten a full meal by anyone’s standards. Did it mean I cooked something wrong and was getting food poisoning? I decided no because I didn’t throw up. Did it mean I ate too much? Quite possibly, I’m not great at understanding portions. Did it mean I ate when I shouldn’t have? Also quite possible, except, I was back from working out for 2 hours and according to the rules of WW and of people who seem to have this normal eating thing figured out, I should be eating.

So what the hell?

My stomach is making all these weird sensations that I can feel, that are distracting me from the tv show I was trying to watch, that are making me get up and move around because I can’t stand to be feeling them, and I don’t know what they mean, and they are freaking me out!

It is so much easier when I don’t eat, I can identify the pain from not eating, the feeling of my stomach giving up on getting food that day, the feeling of being empty.

This? This sensation that came right after I ate, this I can’t identify and oh man I do not like it.

How do I make it stop??

back 2

Decisions Decisions

I’ve hit a plateau and I’m pissed about it. According to weight watchers, if I follow their rules, I will lose weight. Maybe I won’t lose it as fast as I would like but I will lose it.

It hasn’t been a total fail, I have lost 11.8lbs in a so-called healthy way, which is a novelty lol normally I lose weight by starving myself, so seeing the number on the scale get smaller while eating every day has been odd.

I’ve been struggling with the whole eating every day thing, and the amount of food they want me to eat every day, but I’ve been trying my best to keep to their rules.

Well! I think their plan is flawed. I’ve been following the rules and for three weeks now I have stayed the same weight. The exact same weight! Who does that??

It is pissing me off. Grr!

I have decided to cut back on the amount of food I eat in a day and see if that helps. In the world of weight watchers food is converted to smart points and you get so many smart points a day. I get 30 smart points a day and am supposed to eat them all every single day. Ugh.

I’ll start small, I’m going to eat 25 smart points worth of food per day, well ok, today I ate 24, but its close, just one less than the plan. I was going to go down to 20 but maybe dropping by 10 (that is 1/3 of my allotted food per day) is too big of a drop. I want to shock my body out of this plateau but not freak it out ya know?

I feel so much better now that I have made this decision. I feel calmer, more in control, more like I am taking strides to achieve my goal. Its nice to feel like I am making the choices again vs blindly following someone else’s rules.

It makes sense if you think about it, I need to lose weight, I shouldn’t be eating so much if I want to lose weight and cutting back on how much I eat each day should help me reach my goal faster. It’ll still be a healthy weight loss, I’m not cutting down to super low quantities of food like I’ve done in the past so its not like I’m starving myself. I’m just being more proactive in my efforts. πŸ™‚

I feel so much better now that I’ve made this decision. πŸ˜€

applause

From One To The Other

Anybody who has been following this blog for any length of time knows I go from binge eating to restricting and eventually back again with occasional bouts of normal eating here and there. Cause ya know, gotta keep things interesting πŸ˜‰

Yesterday allllll I wanted to do was binge. I contemplated writing a post on here but I knew all it would say, over and over again, was: “I want to binge” and really, what is the point of that?

I had a baby binge, and I am mad at myself for it, but I am trying to accept that I did it and move on. Easier said than done but hey, I said I was trying, not succeeding. πŸ˜›

Today is the opposite. I had lunch plans with a friend, then we were hitting up a movie, then I was supposed to make dinner and go to practice.

I met with the friend as planned and I ate part of the meal I ordered. It was a grilled veggie sandwich and came with a side salad. I ate most of the sandwich – thank goodness for lunch sized items on menus and had a nibble of the salad.

Because it is a restaurant meal and I can’t properly track the nutritional information (it is also one of those backwards places that doesn’t provide you with that info either in the restaurant or on their website, sigh) that automatically means I won’t eat the rest of the day.

Those are my rules.

However, I had practice in the evening and if I don’t eat something closer to practice time than that lunch was I won’t make it through. Arg. So annoying.

So when I got home I measured and weighed out a light dinner, convincing myself it was ok because I was about to burn it off so it hardly counts.

I don’t really believe that justification but I ate the food and then pushed super hard at practice and haven’t eaten since.

Roughly, taking in to account I could be waaaaay off with my restaurant calculations, I’ve eaten about 800 calories today.

I’m not really sure how I feel about that. Normally when I am restricting I limit myself to 780 calories or less in a day but that restaurant bread really screwed me over. 😦

I know I will restrict for at least a couple more days to compensate for what I ate yesterday, not sure if after that I will end up fighting the urge to binge or if I will level off and eat more normally for a bit or what, I never know how a day is going to go until I am living it.

Earlier in the day I was sad, for no reason I could figure, just…sad. I had sad memes all ready for the post cause they were so perfect for how I was feeling but right now I am doing ok. Restricting usually helps my mood…except for when it makes me super bitchy and I want to kill people πŸ˜‰ I guess because I feel more in control when restricting, more like I am working towards my goal, being pro-active in getting what I want. That is my current theory anyways…no real proof to back it up…

happy

Happy thinspo pic to go with my mood.

On a side note, I have lost 6.2lbs which is the equivalent to 3 racks of baby back ribs. If you’ve been losing weight and want to see what it is equivalent to go to http://www.ilostwhat.com and give it a go. It can be kinda funny to see what it says.

Pressure

I worked an odd shift today, 1pm – 9pm, and I was super sleep deprived when I eventually got up to get ready for work so I had juuuuust barely enough time to make my standard first meal of the day.

I am very unoriginal with my first meal of the day but for some reason, if I eat these items as my first meal, I have no guilt over eating them, no stress, no worrying. I don’t know why…I also feel like it gives me a solid start to my day so I can then go a long time without eating, because I ate a proper first meal. I think part of it is a placebo thing but whatever, I’ll take it lol

My first meal is always two slices of turkey bacon, one egg over easy, and two pieces of brown toast. That is sorta the baseline, after that I have some variations I play with. So for today I had those items but I also had 9 slices of mushroom that I put in the pan with the turkey bacon to cook them, sometimes I will also have 4 baby tomatos sliced in half (also cooked in the pan). Ummm, what else, if I am feeling adventurous I will put some cheese on one piece of toast then layer the turkey bacon, veggies and egg on top and eat it as an open faced sandwich. The second piece of toast I will eat on its own. In my world toast always comes in pairs lol

I had to make sure I ate this today before work because there was a buffet at work in celebration of Canada Day and the menu looked amazing, but oh so bad for me. But amazing! Lucky for me when I am full, and I’m in a restricting phase, no food, no matter how amazing, can tempt me to eat. So I walked the buffet line because friends at work were encouraging me to grab something to eat and I didn’t take a damn thing. I didn’t even take something to hold on to and eat later! I was very proud lol πŸ˜›

But then later at work things got hard. sigh. I had a salad for dinner with 7 prawns on top and some fresh fruit salad. Since I am on weight watchers this counted as a very good meal. It did fill me up which was great. The hard part was it was a stressful shift and allllll I wanted was chocolate. Then the wanting of chocolate turned in to the wanting of basically any food. I wanted to cram my mouth with any and every food from the kitchen. Pastries? Sure! Ice cream? Gimme! A peach tart? Yummm! My work is always filled with desserts and my stress and just general love of desserts was making me want them all. Hell, I would have settled for stale cookies if only I could have managed to binge eat them while at work with no one seeing.

Of course I couldn’t eat any of the treats at work but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t constantly thinking about food. And oh boy do I mean constantly! Every single thing I did I was using part of my brain to think about food, about what I want to eat, about how good it would taste, about how it would take away the stress I was feeling, about how it would make me feel better. I contemplated coming home and having a binge, or waiting until I was the only staff member left and having a binge at work, basically I couldn’t stop thinking about all that food and having a binge.

The pressure mounting in my brain was ridiculous. The pressure I was feeling inside, the emotional pressure I mean, was not something I am equipped to handle. There was so much pressure and I had no way to release it, no way to stop my thoughts, no way to stop wishing I could binge, no way to fix any of this!

I never got an opportunity at work to binge, one of the servers was also working the overnight shift so she not only never left but started her second shift working in the kitchen so no way I could binge with her there to see. No way to even smuggle the food out of the kitchen. I felt better when my opportunity was gone. If there was no actual way I could binge at work well, I dunno, it is like some of that pressure released a bit.

I also managed to not binge at home. Once I left work the urge got a little less. It wasn’t gone, not by any means, and if I wasn’t (1) trying my damnedest to restrict right now and (2) technically trying to not epically fail at weight watchers, I would have binged, massively. I would have stopped at the store on my way home and bought all kinds of food. So I just made sure to not stop at the store, any store. I took a route home that is longer but doesn’t have me driving past McDonald’s and when I got home I immediately turned on some music and hopped in the shower – distraction! distraction! distraction!

Some eating did happen when I got home but controlled, fit in to my weight watchers points, eating.

I find though that I am under eating almost daily according to weight watcher rules. The only times I haven’t under eaten are days when I cave and binge eat. When I scan back in the app and look at previous days they all show me with points remaining for the day when they are supposed to show me at zero – indicating I ate my daily points and didn’t go over. But nope, not me, I seem to consistently have daily points left, I’m not sure how bad this is in the weight watcher world but I’m thinking its not good. It is kinda like being told you should be eating around 1400 calories a day and only eating 780. But see calories I understand so I always knew just how much I was under eating, with points I’m not really sure. Is 6 points under ok, or bad, or super bad? If 6 is bad does that mean the days I am 12 points under, or 20 under put me in the uber super duper bad category? I just don’t know…

side pic

All I Think About

To make up for the disaster that was my food yesterday I swore today I’d be careful with what I eat. I slept most of the day, which helped lol I went almost 24 hours without eating which I suppose some people would think is a bad thing but makes me feel better about things. I ate bread sticks and chocolate chip cookies yesterday, I had to counter act that somehow! I had originally planned to work out three times today, instead of my normal one or two times but when I woke up it was 4:27pm and that kinda through me for a loop, and ruined my schedule. Oops.

So instead I restricted…

My first meal was one egg, two slices of turkey bacon and an apple. I knew I’d be hungry again later so I planned ahead for that and had what I tell people in real life is a snack or treat but in actuality it is something I consider a meal. I take a Special K Protein Drink, chocolate flavour, blend it with a frozen banana and maybe some other frozen fruit and boom! It is yummy, depending on how much fruit to liquid ratio there is it either turns out as a smoothie type drink or an ice cream type texture food I can put in a bowl and eat with a spoon. The fruit mixed with the chocolate drink makes it taste good and despite the drink being so high in calories (190!) I seem to be ok with it.

So there ya have it, my food for the day, I clocked in with having eaten 558 calories for the day, I suppose I could have eaten less, I know I did last Tuesday, but at least I didn’t eat more. Any day I eat under 700 calories I count as a win because usually I eat somewhere between 700 – 780 calories and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to consistently eat less than that without consequences, sigh.

I see other women who are so skinny, who I imagine never binge on bread sticks, or cave and eat ice cream, women who look amazing and I envy, and I wonder how many calories they eat, how do they manage it, it must be a low number and I feel like such a failure I can’t eat less and get skinny faster.

I wish I ate less. And yes I know, I am the one in control of how much and what I eat so if I want to eat less I should just eat less but its hard.

All I seem to think about is food. Like today, when I woke up, before I got out of bed I planned what I was going to eat, running through my safe food choices and for some reason I thought I’d cook the egg and turkey bacon, fry up some sliced tomato and put it all on toast, have a BLT but with turkey bacon instead of pig bacon. I actually thought that up and thought I would do it, for a second or two anyways, before I reminded myself that I don’t eat bread anymore, and I can’t have the miracle whip I would have put on the sandwich, and basically the whole meal is one big fat nope. Why would I even think of that? It made my actual meal seem so much less satisfying, sigh.

After that, while I was sitting and reading a portion of my brain was constantly thinking about food. What will I eat next, what time will I eat, then it was thinking of foods I can’t eat, and thinking of binge eating, and just over and over and over again food was in my thoughts.

It sucks.

I got asked by the lady who called me about my referral to the adult ed program how often I think about food, from 1% to 100% of the day, to rate it. I didn’t know what to say, how do I rate shit like that? I said somewhere in the 90s buuuuuut maybe it is actually higher. Thing is, I know my food issues are nowhere near as bad as other peoples’ are so if they are thinking about food 100% then I must be thinking about it less, so maybe I should have said like 85%? I dunno. It is like rating pain on a scale of 1 to 10, I suck at that too because pain can always get worse so I never want to rate it high, even if it is, because I feel I have to leave room for it to increase…does that make sense?

My brain feels fuzzy and I am having trouble focusing. I want to write something else, something to describe how I am feeling and what I am going through but I can’t seem to form the words right now. I should’ve had more caffeine earlier lol I can’t have it now though because I need to sleep because I have to get up at a normal time tomorrow and I’ve totally messed up my sleep schedule. Though, along with the fuzzy and lack of focusing brain I also feel tired so maybe I’ll get to sleep ok…we shall see!

hard work