Category Archives: rules

War

I feel like I am at war with myself and I don’t know which side I want to win.

Lots of people talk about the whole eating disorder voice, how you have this voice in your head that tells you what you can and can’t eat or how much to exercise, or whatever – it is different for everyone.

But…I don’t really get that, I’ve never connected with that whole “voice in my head” thing. The choices I want to make, the rules I have about food and exercise, the way I look at food, it doesn’t sound in my head like a different voice trying to take over, it sounds like my voice, my thoughts, my choices, it is just me. Plain ‘ol me. Not some internal demon trying to take over.

I am the one making the decision to eat, or not eat, and if I do eat deciding what I will eat. I am the one in control. I don’t feel at the mercy of some voice in my head.

Sometimes this makes me wonder if I don’t really have an eating disorder, because I don’t identify with this idea of having a voice that sounds different than mine in my head.

This uncertainty, combined with my natural defensiveness and instinctive rebellion against authority is making this whole recovery deal a bit hard to grasp, or believe in.

Hence the war.

The dietitian I am seeing wants me to eat certain amounts of certain food groups daily, spaced out on a loosely timed schedule.

I don’t like it.

But do I not like it because I don’t agree with the plan on a nutritional level, or because I don’t like being told when and what to eat, or because I am feeling judged for how I do eat and feel like being given this framework to follow is a set-up for showing how flawed my choices are? They are all viable options for answers.

Every time I try to follow the plan the dietitian made I fail. Actually, not true, I managed it for two days, and I became permanently bloated, my abdominal area was distended, my stomach hurt all the time, I was miserable, so I stopped. I had to stop, what she wanted obviously wasn’t working. There is a flaw in her plan and no point in continuing with it when it is doing me damage.

That is my rational reasoning behind not doing what she wants.

I feel she won’t agree with that reasoning though…

This is getting off topic, mostly because I don’t really know how to put in to words what I am feeling, sigh.

I feel…

hmm…

I feel like I am at war, with myself, with my dietitian, with my case worker, with the world. I feel like I know what I want to look like and all I really want is help getting there but instead I have people trying to sabotage me and take me in the other direction.

I am getting fatter every day. I’m scared to step on the scale but I can see the fat in the mirror. I am losing some of my bones. I am getting rounder. I am contemplating joining a gym again even though I can’t afford it because winter is here and I won’t be able to run outside soon. I am terrified all the time, terrified to get dressed because any day now my clothes won’t fit. Terrified to look in the mirror because I am so fat and disgusting. Terrified people are going to start commenting on how big I am getting. Terrified my recovery team will somehow force me in to eating more – I’m not sure how they could, I’m out patient, and an adult, so they can’t force admit me, but the fear is there. I am terrified to be left alone near food because I feel I’m losing control and will just eat everything visible if given the opportunity. I am terrified that I’m losing my willpower. I’m terrified that I’m going to hurt myself again even though I said I didn’t do that anymore and I always keep my word. I’m terrified I’m going to get so desperate I’m going to pull out my laxatives and diet pills again, even though I said I’d stopped using them, because desperate times call for desperate measures. I’m terrified for the chest pains that come with the using of the pills, I’m more terrified that every day I am more and more ok with the chest pains coming back if it means the pills are working.

I am terrified.

And I hate it.

This battle is internal, and I don’t feel it is against some weird outsider voice that is in my head, it is against my own voice. The battle is me against me, the weak me and the strong me. The me that wants to be skinny badly enough she’ll do anything to get there, and the me that forgets the end goal and caves when she sees a pastry.

Why is how I think about food so wrong? Why am I supposed to look at it as fuel, or enjoyable, or as something that makes me healthy and strong? Why can’t the way I see food be ok?

If the things I think about food are my own thoughts, not some random voice’s thoughts, how do I know which is the right or wrong choice to make? When I think “I ate twice today, that is plenty, no more food for me” it seems like a perfectly rational decision. A decision that is my own. Not an invasive thought from my eating disorder. Just like when trying to follow the nutrition plan the dietitian gave me I struggle with doing what she wants because my thinking doesn’t align with hers and why is my thinking wrong and hers right?

I know I am not making sense, I told you I don’t know how to put what I am feeling in to words *rolls eyes*

Maybe I’ll figure out a better way to describe what I am feeling another day, shrug.

For now I guess I’ll just stay confused and at war.

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Meal Plan

I was given a meal plan to follow, starting August 23rd.

So far I have sucked balls at following it.

I have an appointment with the nutritionist this coming Wednesday and I am dreading having to tell her I failed.

I have all these legit reasons for why it hasn’t happened yet, why I’m not following this meal plan, but I think she won’t see them as reasons, only excuses.

I couldn’t start following the meal plan the same day I got it because I didn’t have the food in my place to be able to follow it. Then I went out of town and my eating was all over the place because of being away. When I got back I had gained 1.5 pounds and I had to lose that before I could start some meal plan that had me eating more on a daily basis then I usually do. I can’t start off a meal plan when I am up on the scale, how will I ever lose that weight I gained from the weekend?

Hey now, don’t go judging my logic, it makes sense to me!

Then I was finally down on the scale but still didn’t have the right food in my place. Add to that the whole high potassium thing I’m going through. I can’t just eat what I want I have to be checking the potassium levels of everything and I gotta say, that is screwing with me.

I like spinach, spinach is high potassium, I am no longer supposed to have spinach, but I can’t just swap in some other type of lettuce where I would normally eat spinach, so now the choice is do I eat the spinach anyways and get some dark leafy greens or do I not eat any type of lettuce?

le sigh.

I’m having this issue with a bunch of foods.

So yeah, I have this meal plan, and I’m not following it.

Today was my first real attempt to follow it. I didn’t do great, but at least I sorta tried, that maybe counts for something…

I didn’t eat within 1.5 hours of getting up (that is rule number 1 from her), but I did eventually eat (which sounds stupid but isn’t). When I eventually ate something it was an actual meal, with food groups!

I had a two egg omelette with 1 tablespoon of shredded cheese inside. I topped it with 1 tablespoon of salsa (which I am trying to figure out if that counts as a veg serving…), I also had toast (that is an easy one for me), and a yoghurt (NOT an easy one for me). I was also supposed to have a fruit and a meat, but maybe the egg counts as a meat? I’m not clear on the rules…wait! I just checked, the eggs do count as meat so score for me!

I couldn’t fit a fruit it with that meal, it was too much food already, but I ate a nectarine about 3 hours later.

Then I went to work out for a couple hours.

Then the big dilemma.

When I got home from working out I didn’t want to eat. I wasn’t feeling hungry, I was feeling like any food I ingested would be taking away all the gains I got from my work out, I didn’t want my work out to be wasted because I ate after, ya know?

So I literally paced my kitchen, back and forth, back and forth, do I eat, don’t I eat, should I eat, should I not eat, I’m not hungry, I have been told my hunger signals suck and I need to eat on schedule, I already missed the scheduled time to eat so no point in eating now, eating now is better then not eating at all, I’ve eaten too much today, you haven’t eaten as much as you promised you would when you were given the meal plan, food will make me gain weight, you need to fuel your body, I don’t want to eat, it doesn’t matter what you want, I am in charge of what my body gets, you have to give your body what it needs, I don’t need more food today, yes you do, I’m not hungry, you’ll feel hungry soon and you might binge then, I could just go to bed early, you’ll sleep better if you eat something first…and so on…

Eventually I settled on something, and ended up with a meal that had, get this…food groups! And not just one!

I had a small tortilla wrap with some coleslaw (no dressing), home made turkey salad mix, and a small amount of shredded cheddar cheese.

That is grain, meat, veg, and dairy, all in one!

I ate it. I still wasn’t feeling hungry when I ate it and eating when I don’t feel hungry goes against everything I believe in doing but I said I’d try to follow the meal plan and so far I haven’t and eating this meal put me closer to following then not eating would have done.

Honestly, I still wish I hadn’t eaten anything. I’d be feeling better about myself and not paranoid that as I sit here typing that food is turning to fat and making me bigger.

But at least this way I can go to my meeting next week and say I sort of, kinda, in a way, tried to follow the plan.

Weight Gain

I have gained 1.5 pounds.

Don’t mock me, don’t say “it’s only 1.5 pounds”, don’t belittle that gain, please.

To me any gain is bad. A gain as large as 1.5 pounds is tantamount to failure, to derailment, to the beginning of a long lasting damage inducing binge cycle.

When I gain I go one of two ways. I either say I’ve screwed up can’t fix it now and go on a food bender that lasts anywhere from days to months and causes physical, emotional, and psychological damage. Or I go in to damage control mode and I clamp down on everything, I restrict like it is my sole focus in life (because it is), and I have nothing else on my mind but eating as little as humanly possible, while moving as much as physically possible, until I not only lose whatever I gained but lose more than that, so I have a bit of a safety net on the scale.

It is possible the weight gain is muscle, I have been back to my sports practices again, and I’ve been doing more manual labour type things at home, so maybe I gained a bit of muscle mass. But I don’t think so. I have been lax lately, having little nibbles of things I would normally never touch. Tasting foods friends bring me to try instead of saying I’ll try it later and then throwing it out. I’ve have a couple binges, some huge, some not so huge. And on top of that I’ve been vaguely trying, some of the time, to eat in way that would be more compliant to what my recovery program asks of me. My nutritionist has been on vacation so I sorta took that as an excuse to stop trying the stuff she asks me to do, but some days I kinda sorta tried, like the other day I ate three meals in one day! I mean sure, small meals, that combined didn’t get me to over 1000 calories, but still, eating that many times in one day is unheard of for me.

And that is what I blame the scale number on.

Not being more active. Not gaining muscle.

Nope. I blame it on weakened willpower. I blame it on my failure to control what goes in my mouth. I blame it on me and my inability to stay strong.

I blame me.

I am livid. Devastated. I punched a wall after I weighed myself. Then I almost cried, not from the pain of punching a wall (I am used to that), but from the pain I felt inside when I saw that number. The aching, jagged, pain, that was in my chest, radiating out to my whole body, letting me know how badly I had failed.

Is or is not my goal to lose weight?

Why yes, yes it is.

So why then have I been sabotaging myself by having nibbles of things here and there, having binges, eating more than one meal and one snack in a day?

Either I don’t want it badly enough, or I am weak and unable to resist the thing I want right now for the thing I ultimately want.

discipline

As soon as I left the bathroom after weighing myself I went in to food lock down mode.

Only very specific foods are allowed, and only in very specific combinations, and only in very specific quanities.

Today I ate 1/2 C oatmeal before work. At work I ate 1/3 C cubed beets and a turkey sandwich. That puts me at 548 calories for the day. On top of that I drank 6 cups of tea. Normally I would have had a diet coke but I ran out of time at work and my rule is the only thing I ingest after work is tea and water so alas, no diet coke for me.

I will get rid of this 1.5 pounds. And I will lose more than that to prove that I can. And I really hope I lose it before Wednesday, at the latest Thursday. I want to be more definitive about the “when” but my body has proven to me time and time again that it loses on it’s own schedule, all I can do is enforce the rules and wait till it does what I want.

I can’t gain weight, I can’t allow it, it is not a thing that is ok in my world and I will fight weight gain with every last inch of strength in my body.

I can do this. I can be strong.

stop eating 3

dont eat

More Potassium Stuff

End of July I had blood work done and it turned out I had high potassium. I was told to stop drinking my protein shake (I occasionally drink a Premier Protein, chocolate flavour) and the thought was it was probably high in potassium and may be the culprit. I doubted this as I rarely drink them, but nobody seemed to listen to me when I tried explaining how infrequently I drink them so I ended up nodding and agreeing to quitting the protein drink.

Last week I had another appointment for blood work – this was to see if the potassium level had gone down after being off the protein drink for a week.

The follow-up for this set of blood work was with my GP, not anybody from the eating disorder program. I don’t go see her often, I don’t get sick often, and I don’t care for doctors so I tend to avoid her. I have to tell her every time I see her that I am in the ED recovery program even though I’m sure it must be in the file she is reading because she skims, doesn’t read stuff, and has no idea what is going on with me.

Fine, whatever, I can deal with that.

Well today she takes a look at the most recent blood work report and says “your potassium is high”

I say “yeah I know, this is the follow-up to the first test that showed it is high”

Then she gets her panties in a twist because some other doctor is involved with sending me for blood work *rolls eyes*

She then decides that my potassium must be high because of something I am eating. If it was high because of other problems my other test results would be abnormal and they are all showing as fine.

Side note: the fact that all my other test results show things within my body are fine make me wonder if I don’t need treatment, since obviously I haven’t done damage to my body so I can’t be doing anything all that bad…right?

Anyways!

She then goes on to say I have to stop eating bananas, asparagus, and orange juice.

I told her I don’t eat, or drink, any of those things.

The convo went a bit like this..

Doc: “What do you mean you don’t drink orange juice?”

Me: “I don’t drink orange juice”, shrug, “I don’t drink any juice, too much sugar, it’s unhealthy.”

Doc: obviously not believing me “Everyone drinks juice. You don’t drink any juice?” looking at me like I’m going to change my story…

Me: “Nope, I don’t drink juice.”

Doc: “Well, hmm…you also need to stop eating bananas. And asparagus.”

Me: “I only eat asparagus once a month at most, and only in small amounts, but ok, I’ll stop. I don’t eat bananas, I stopped eating those months ago.”

Doc: “You don’t eat bananas?” gives me disbelieving look

Me: “Nope, haven’t eaten one in months.” (then I lied and said…) “It’s summer, I stopped eating bananas because I’m eating all the summer fruit.” I wave my hand around vaguely as if to indicate towards all the copious amounts of summer fruits around. When in reality I am not eating any of those either…too much sugar…

Doc: “hmm…” seems to possibly believe I might not be eating bananas because I am eating other fruits.

Doc: “Still! Your high potassium levels must be because of something you are ingesting, check everything you eat, read all nutritional labels, see how much potassium is in everything before you eat it. Don’t eat any processed foods, they are all high in potassium, and cut back on how much salt you use when cooking.”

Me: “I don’t use salt when cooking.”

Doc: “You don’t use salt, when cooking? Of course you do. There are two types on the store shelves, make sure to choose (insert specific type of sale here) instead of the other, this type is better for you. But still, don’t use too much of it, cut back, you’re using too much.”

Me: “I can’t cut back, I don’t use it. I don’t cook with it, I don’t season with it. I haven’t bough salt in years.”

Doc: looks at me like I am a lunatic

Me: “So how much potassium should I be getting in a day?”

Doc: “Not as much as other people because we need to bring your levels down and you’re eating too much of it.”

Me: “Yeah, I get that, but I don’t know how much I should be aiming for…and what is considered too high for a serving? If a serving of something has say, 50mg of potassium, should I consider that too high and not eat it, or is it only too high if it is over 100mg per serving?”

Doc: didn’t answer any of those questions, went back to talking about how I must be ingesting too much potassium and then said “google a list of foods high in potassium and don’t eat any of them”

So…she didn’t tell me how much potassium I should be trying to get in a day, and she told someone who restricts their food intake to restrict it even more…wtf.

I didn’t even know what to say, so I said nothing and left…left with a form to get more blood work done in 3 weeks so she can see if the potassium levels have gone down. Oh, and the warning that if I experience chest palpitations or chest pain to go to the ER asap because high potassium could kill me.

Greeeeeeat.

I haven’t decided if I will google the list of high potassium foods or not. I know I should, so that I know what to stay away from, but I don’t know that I should be increasing my list of unsafe foods. Even if the list contains mostly things I already don’t eat, if I think I have a medically sound reason to not eat them how will I ever manage to increase my list of safe foods? Today I’ve been checking nutritional labels for potassium and found that not all labels show potassium. I’m not sure if that means the food has so little of it they don’t put it on, or if it is because it is not required to put potassium on a nutrition label.

I have a meeting with my nutrition person from my recovery program next week so I guess I’ll just ask her all the questions and see if she knows the answers.

Doctors. *shake my head* next to useless, sigh.

I Over Compensate

If I eat something that isn’t a safe food, or a higher quantity of food (safe or not) I struggle. And in that struggle I find I automatically cut back on all food to compensate. I think it is something I have done for a long time, but only really noticed recently. Probably because it is only recently I started working at dissecting what I do in regards to food.

So, I noticed this, and mentioned it to my nutritionist, and it disturbed her, and it made me feel like I am in trouble, and that maybe it isn’t a normal or ok thing to do.

This weekend I was away with my sports team competing. I was gone from Friday late afternoon to Sunday late afternoon. That is a lot of meals outside of my routine and comfort zone!

Weekends like this usually turn in to a binge fest for me, but only sort of…I usually eat a fuck load of food, but not like I am sitting there with ice cream dripping down my face because I am constantly in the company of my team. It is always a struggle.

This weekend I went in to the weekend thinking maybe I could be ok, maybe I could manage to either eat more like a normal person, or at least restrict instead of over eat – in my world restricting is always the better option.

It didn’t work. I can’t say I managed either of my options.

I was ok with what I chose for Friday dinner because I had iron-fist control over all my food up to that point so I had eaten almost nothing to accommodate a restaurant meal.

Saturday was the competition and right up until dinner I did ok. I took my standard breakfast food with me, so I had that as a safe meal, and I ordered a really basic turkey sandwich for lunch that I could easily and accurately track, so again, that was ok. But then dinner happened. I won’t go in to details but lets just say it involved pizza, multiple desserts, gummy candies, and more.

Sunday was brunch. I had a plan, I got a made to order omelette and fresh fruit. That was all I was going to eat but then a teammate grabbed me a hash brown and I know it sounds stupid to say there was peer pressure to eat a hash brown, but there was. Normal people would eat it without a problem, and she wasn’t going to stop bugging me till I tried it. So I tried it, and it was freaking amazing. That started a downward spiral that consisted of more hash browns, waffles, and other brunch type foods. The scariest part of it was I could feel my control slipping. I wanted a stack of waffles, a bowl of fruit loops, more eggs, I wanted the fried potatoes, I wanted everything! I wanted it all, in large quantities, and covered in syrup, and I could see myself doing just that. I could see myself loading a plate and gorging myself on all that food.

I managed to not completely lose control but that fear has been with me the rest of the day. It is combined with the fear of “omg, how many pounds of weight have I put on since Friday” and “what if I am starting another binge cycle” and “I swear I am fatter in the mirror and my cheekbones and rib cage, and collar bones are not as prominent anymore”.

Lots of fear.

To deal with this fear I told myself I wouldn’t eat the rest of the day. When I made this promise to myself it was easy to do because I was still super full feeling from brunch and didn’t want anything. But now it is almost 10pm, I ate roughly 12 hours ago, and I think I am starting to feel a bit hungry, and I have no idea what to do.

Part of me wants to just go to bed and sleep through the hunger, I have an early shift at work tomorrow so this is a perfectly reasonable choice to me.

Part of me says I should have a light snack because 12 hours between meals is not what I am supposed to be doing and if I don’t eat until breakfast tomorrow it will actually be more like 21 hours and if 12 hours isn’t ok then 21 hours for sure is a no-no.

Part of me says eating so close to going to bed is not recommended…though I don’t know who says that…

Part of me says going to bed hungry means you don’t sleep as well…also not sure where I heard that one…

I think maybe my choice to not eat anything was not the best choice…maybe it wasn’t actually my choice but my eating disorder’s choice?…and if that is the case then I should fight it…but then I get stumped on what, if anything I should eat, because I am sure I have eaten more than my normal amount of calories for the day, and if I have, then shouldn’t I stop eating because I shouldn’t go over my calories, right? I’m not sure which is the right option, eating a snack and going over my calories for the day, or not eating something and going a long time between meals…

not hungry

Just gotta keep telling myself this…

Do You Ever…

Yesterday I ate horribly. Not a binge, just a lot of food for one day. Waaaaaay more than I would normally eat in a day, maybe the amount I would eat over the course of two and a half days or even three…so, a lot!

I won’t list the food, just trust me when I say it was too much. Though I wonder if my counselors would think it was me showing improvement because (1) I didn’t avoid social situations and (2) I ate food like a normal person. I mean sure, on my drive home I was almost in tears because of how I felt having a tummy full of food and I kept obsessing about what I ate, and why I ate it, and why didn’t I at least only eat half, and omg just stop fucking eating already! Ya know, totally sane thoughts like that. 😉

As the evening drew to a close I consoled myself with (1) I resisted using any of my diet pills or laxatives to get the food out of me quicker and (2) I could always restrict the next day to make it up.

So today rolls around and I know I can’t restrict for the entire day, not because I’m not strong enough to resist food, but because even I have clued in that doing that would be frowned upon and definitely not considered progress. I had my standard breakfast, which took forever to eat because I really didn’t want food. It got me thinking that I could easily get out of dinner by taking a Premier Protein drink with me and lying and saying I wasn’t feeling well and just drinking that. Technically it is a meal, least, I think it counts as a meal replacement, and it would be me ingesting calories around a standard dinner time so that follows the rules, but it wouldn’t be heavy and gross and compound the damage I did the day prior.

Oh the lovely loop holes my brain can find!

In the end I ate dinner. sigh. The chef made me an incredible salad and his salads totally count as a safe meal for me because well (1) it is salad, and his are not loaded with hidden high calorie scary foods, (2) the only time I eat veggies or most fruits are at work so his salads help me get my veg allotment for the week, (3) he put a lot of time and effort in to making my dinner and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I couldn’t eat it. I am so weak sometimes, ugh.

The salad took me a super long time to eat, which is hard at work because I don’t actually get a break so I am usually eating in between doing other things, or trying to find 5 minutes to scarf something down uninterrupted. But this salad was epic, and took time because every bite was me fighting my brain. Every time I took a bite my brain was telling me why I shouldn’t, was telling me I have too much food in me from the day before, was telling me I don’t deserve this amazing dinner because of how badly I ate yesterday. My brain was telling me a lot of stuff, none of it nice, and it didn’t get any quieter the more I ate, it just got louder. Almost out of spite I ate every last bite, even the blueberries!

I’m kinda fucked if I am only eating out of spite *rolls eyes*

When I got home I realized I hadn’t entered all the food I ate today in my tracker and I have to do that because it helps me realize if I have actually been under eating (it usually tells me that) or if I ate way more than intended and need to put on the breaks. So I sat and put all my food in to the tracker and did something that I wonder if others do…I fudged the data…

Even though no one but I sees my tracker I sometimes fudge the data so that if someone were to see it they would see something that might possibly be less alarming. So say I ate 1 or 2 strawberries (they are sometimes cut up in to my salads at work), I’ll track it as 1/2 Cup Strawberries so it looks like I ate way more of them. I know when looking back which data is faked because I pretty much always fake the same stuff, but someone who isn’t me would see this tracker and think I get all my fruit, all my veg, a decent amount of protein. I don’t know if it would look normal but it would look more normal than what I actually eat.

I also fake the data not just in case someone else sees it but also to trick my brain. Tonight I remembered I hadn’t put the food in to the tracker when I was sitting in the living room and starting to feel a bit hungry. I didn’t want to eat so I put the food I already ate in to the tracker, saw how much under I was for the day, wasn’t happy because I wish I was farther under my food goals for the day, and that helped me not go to the kitchen and get a snack – the tracker showed I didn’t have enough room for more food today, I should feel more full than I actually feel right now so my stomach must be lying to me about being hungry, don’t believe the signals from my body, they are fake, believe what the app on my phone says.

Shit like that.

In case you are wondering, I have resisted eating since I put the food in to the tracker. Even though I know what I put in is exaggerations of what I actually ate and I probably do have room to have a snack of some sort, I won’t eat because of what the tracker says. I don’t know if that makes sense but it makes sense to me…I also resisted making more tea or even getting a glass of water because I have felt all day like I should be cutting back on my fluids, dehydrating a bit, because lately I have been taking in more water and that has to stop…why that has to stop I am not exactly sure but I just keep feeling like it has to stop…which the rational part of my brain says isn’t a good idea because it is fucking hot out where I am but since when did being rational play a part in this? *rolls eyes*

polka dot

What My Stomach Feels

This may seem strange to other people but…I don’t really know what the sensations my stomach sends out mean, at least not every time…do other people know how to decode the sensations they feel in their stomachs? I think they probably do, which just makes me a weirdo in yet another way. *rolls eyes*

I gained another pound this week. Last week I lost 0.4lbs so it is safe to say I am NOT impressed. I want to be going down in weight, not staying the same, or going up, and yet, if you average the month I stayed the same. sigh. I go up a little. I go down a little. I go up a little. I go down a little. You get the idea. It sucks!

I can’t find the correlation between what I am doing wrong and the weight gain, I mean ok sure I had a couple binges in there…maybe more than a couple, but I counteracted the binges with restricting days and increased activity so I thought things would be ok.

They are not ok.

So I made a promise to myself, which I already hate because I loathe people who break promises but oh man, this one is freakin hard and I shouldn’t have done it.

I promised myself that every single time I eat something I will eat along with that meal or snack either some fruit or some veggies. I haven’t been eating them very often because well, oh geez, the explanation might need its own paragraph…

Ok, so I tend to not eat fruits and veg not because I don’t like them but because they are not a safe food. You would think they would be safe right? I know a lot of people who have veggies for safe foods because they are low cal but I don’t track calories I track Weight Watcher points. In the land of WW fruits and veggies are 0 points, which means you can eat as many as you want and it doesn’t count against your daily points – your Daily Points being how much food you have to eat in a day. So say you eat a 3oz chicken breast and a cup of veggies, you count the chicken but not the veggies when tallying how many points of food you eat.

But! Just because something doesn’t have points in the land of WW doesn’t mean it doesn’t have calories! Or fat! Or carbs!

If I eat those zero point foods then I don’t have enough space in my stomach to eat food that has points. I also mentally can’t handle eating that much food. So…I cut the zero point food out of my world. Not an absolute cut them out, I eat a tiny bit of fruit and veg, but not very much. I figured I was doing a good thing, all those people on WW who eat their daily points worth of food aaaaand eat fruits and veggies, they are taking in waaaaay more calories than they realize! I was being smart, seeing the flaw and adjusting for it.

However, in my more rational moments I realize I am not eating a well balanced meal plan and maybe the lack of ya know, food groups, is affecting my weight loss?

My safe foods are:

oatmeal, PB2 (powdered peanut butter), bread (two slices a day max), protein pancakes, eggs (one a day max), egg whites (two a day max), turkey bacon (two slices a day max), light shredded cheese (20g max a day), plain chicken breasts (2 per week max), 3oz salmon (1-2 per week max), greek yoghurt OR light cottage cheese (2-3 times a week max)

This past week I was craving corn flakes like crazy so I snagged some from work and added those in to the rotation but otherwise, it doesn’t change much. Obviously I don’t eat all that food in one day, but that is what I rotate between.

So yeah…not really seeing fruit or veg in there. I was eating bananas for a while, I was on a real kick with them and ate one a day, and before the banana kick I was also eating apples, the occasional orange, but like I said, I had to stop because if I eat an orange I am full and can’t eat food that has points that I am supposed to track, which means I end up under my points for the day and according to the program rules that is really bad. Like, epic bad.

Back to my promise to myself…I am now swearing that for a week, every time I eat something I will also have a piece of fruit or some veggies.

So tonight after working out I ate veggies with my chicken…and then I didn’t know what my stomach was doing.

It felt weird, it was making noticeable sensations and I have nooooo idea what they meant. Did they mean I hadn’t eaten enough and was hungry? I decided no since I’d just eaten a full meal by anyone’s standards. Did it mean I cooked something wrong and was getting food poisoning? I decided no because I didn’t throw up. Did it mean I ate too much? Quite possibly, I’m not great at understanding portions. Did it mean I ate when I shouldn’t have? Also quite possible, except, I was back from working out for 2 hours and according to the rules of WW and of people who seem to have this normal eating thing figured out, I should be eating.

So what the hell?

My stomach is making all these weird sensations that I can feel, that are distracting me from the tv show I was trying to watch, that are making me get up and move around because I can’t stand to be feeling them, and I don’t know what they mean, and they are freaking me out!

It is so much easier when I don’t eat, I can identify the pain from not eating, the feeling of my stomach giving up on getting food that day, the feeling of being empty.

This? This sensation that came right after I ate, this I can’t identify and oh man I do not like it.

How do I make it stop??

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