Tag Archives: calorie restricting

Pondering Stuff

So today was day two post-binge. It wasn’t as bad as yesterday but it wasn’t great either. I slept in, on purpose. That part was nice. I eventually had to get up because there were places I had to be and ya know, I need time to groom, shrug.

By the time I got up it had been 18 hours since I had last eaten. It would have been longer but I had a dinner meeting last night and it would have looked weird to be the only person not having something.

Side note, it was pointed out I eat slower than pretty much everyone on the planet, or at least at the table, and one of those people was a 6 year old child. But I did however succeed in making it look like I ate more than I actually did and getting the waiter to take away the uneaten food before anyone could really realize I had left most of my meal uneaten. Is it wrong that I feel proud of that?

Ok, back to the topic at hand.

There I was, waking up, it had been 18 hours since I ate, and I was not hungry. Not very shocking or odd actually, least not for me. I knew that I should eat something before going out though, since I wouldn’t be home for quite a while and I am trying to not go 24 hours or longer with out food. I mean, I like doing that, but I know that isn’t getting me closer to recovery so I am trying to ignore my impulse to do that and ya know, eat more often…gotta say, it sure doesn’t come natural!

I stuck with my favourite food, also not shocking, and made oatmeal. I was a bit worried that eating would kick start my hunger, or make me feel sick again, but it did neither. Just kinda left me neutral.

I still feel like I have gained all my lost weight back because of that stupid binge, and I still feel massive in my abdominal area, so I dressed to hide that area, but I don’t think my stomach is quite as poofed out and bloated as it was yesterday, so hopefully things are settling down.

Something surprising happened, when I woke up but wasn’t out of bed yet I rolled over and was on my side and I hurt. You might be all “crap, what did you injure now!” but not that kind of hurt. My ribs hurt from laying on them. I thiiiiink it is because I lost a lot of fat from around my rib cage area, and with less of a cushion it hurt to lay on them. And not hurt like “omg I am in so much pain” hurt, just hurt like “this is uncomfy, I must change position now”, only, I didn’t change position cause I kinda wanted to keep feeling that pain, because it made me feel like maybe there is hope for me to lose the rest of this fat since I lost enough in that area to make laying down in that position uncomfy. Does any of that make sense?

Probably not, sigh.

As a direct result of my Sunday binge I scaled back my calories a lot today. I ate my oatmeal, a protein bar when out, and an egg with two slices of turkey bacon on a piece of toast, when I got home.

That is a grand total of 542 calories for the day.

I didn’t even have as many drinks today as normal, though that wasn’t a plan, it was cause I was out and well, some days you just can’t manage to take in all your fluids, shrug.

Ya know, I started this post with a purpose and now I can’t remember what I wanted to write about, I managed to distract myself by my own writing lol

I’m still overwhelmed with thoughts about that binge, and with how sickly and in pain I felt from it. The fact that even now I am still having discomfort in my digestive track makes me hope I will be able to remember how bad the results of that binge were and help prevent them in the future.

I think another couple days of super low eating should get me back to normal. I’ve been scared to step on the scale, I can’t handle seeing what the number is, but I’ll probably step on it either Wednesday or Thursday morning. I’ll see how I feel Wednesday and if still not great I’ll give myself one more day. But only one more day, then I have to stand on it and face the damage. Let’s hope by then the number isn’t too high, though with the way I feel right now it probably will be, sigh.

On another side note…I just realized that I think I got through the worst of the post-binge sensations without caving and using any of my metabolism boosters or laxatives or excessive working out…basically I did nothing to try to purge the food…does that count as a win for the recovery side? I think so…I’ll have to ask my case worker and see…


Potassium? Who the fuck gives a care about potassium levels? Apparently doctors…but why? *rolls eyes*

I haven’t actually made it back to the doc’s office about the blood work test results but the whole reason I had to have them was because of an appointment set up with a shrink and to stay compliant with my recovery program.

The shrink took a look at the report and said I have high potassium.

I have nooooo idea how I have high anything, considering the amount of food I eat, but apparently I have high potassium.

I asked what I should cut out, he suggested bananas, I scoffed and said I don’t eat those…they used to be my favourite fruit but I haven’t eaten them in months, they ended up on my not safe food list, sigh.

He also asked if there are foods I don’t eat, I told him it would be easier to give him a list of the foods I do eat, since the “don’t eat” foods list is super long.

Turns out the meeting with him was for a psychiatric evaluation, which sounds terrifying, and makes me worried I’ll forever be labelled a crazy person. It took an hour and he asked a bit about practically every aspect of my life. He said the goal is to get a bit of information about everything and then go into more detail in follow-up sessions. Apparently I warrant follow-up sessions now…greeeeeeat…

My case worker sat in for the meeting, so there was a witness to this horribleness. He tried to get me to stand on a scale, like that was gonna happen! Ha! He also said I could tell him “no” if he asked about anything I really didn’t want to answer. There were a lot of questions I didn’t want to answer but I didn’t really say no to any of them…just sorta shut down and became less verbally responsive. Probably was shouting out like crazy with my body language though. Ugh. I irritate myself.

But yeah, so at the end of this appointment he pulled out the blood work results. They didn’t test for some stuff he wanted looked at so I get to go back in a week and get more blood taken, and get another ECG, fuuuuuck. Like I don’t have other things I am supposed to be doing?

Plus! I am supposed to cut out my protein drink to see if that is where my high potassium level is coming from. I don’t think it will be since I don’t drink them with any type of regularity. I had been trying to a while ago, but they are just so gross. Now I am basically trying to get through them so I don’t have to throw them all out and waste all that money. Since I am not adverse to drinking them calorie or nutrition wise I’d rather not pour them down the drain. If they had turned in to an unsafe food you can bet I’d have already poured them, waste of money or not. Oh the screwy logic that is mine lol

So one week of no protein drinks, then blood work and the ECG. I’m not sure what I am supposed to eat in place of the protein drink though. For all that I don’t drink them that often they do have a purpose when I do take them in and I don’t have anything I can swap in there. My list of safe foods is shrinking a little more every week and taking out one item makes a huge dent in what is available to me.

I dunno, I guess I’ll just go without, not like I couldn’t stand to cut out more calories, but I wish it had been my decision, and not one made for me…


All Over the Place

I have been all over the place lately with my food…some days eating an entire order of bread sticks and half a pizza, other days eating 1/2C of oatmeal and calling it a day. I can’t get a handle on it and frankly, trying to figure out how to get a handle on it is exhausting.

The other day I realized I had spent 8 hours thinking about food. It was Oscar Sunday and I usually let myself have something as a treat for my dinner when watching the Oscars. So while at work I kept thinking about what I was going to eat, I was jumping all over the place with ideas: pizza, sushi, ice cream, home made burger with fries, egg on toast…and more. I couldn’t decide because every item sounded delicious and as soon as I thought about it I wanted it.

I eventually decided on pizza, specifically half a frozen pizza I had in my freezer, because I could track the nutritional information, it would be a treat, and it would then be out of my freezer.

Well, something went drastically wrong when cooking it and it became inedible. Not like, a tiny bit burned or something, I mean totally not a thing that can be eaten any longer and I had to throw it out.

Not impressed.

No way in hell was I going to take time away from watching the Oscars to cook something and I now had pizza on the brain so I ordered in from Pizza Hut.

Why do I do that?? sigh.

One 9″ pepperoni pizza and an order of bread sticks. Really all I wanted were the bread sticks and a dessert from there but I was trying to show some level of restraint…as if pizza is ever showing restraint? *rolls eyes*

I ate half the pizza and alllll of the bread sticks. My god I love carbs, Mmm! Weirdly, they weren’t even that good, I just couldn’t stop once I started.

Then I was in crazy levels of pain…I’m having some gastrointestinal issues and eating in large quantities makes the pain from those issues flare up. Not cool.

The only up side I can see is it makes my ice cream experience from two weeks ago seem… wait, I was going to say “not so bad” but it was bad, it was a whole new low that mortifies me. I had a tub of ice cream and I made a rule I was only allowed to eat it when standing up. The actual ice cream was mediocre but the peanut butter and chocolate cups that were in the ice cream were super delicious so I stood at the sink and dug out the peanut butter and chocolate cups, letting the ice cream go down the drain.

Who does that??


So yeah, all over the place food wise…don’t even get me started on the mini cream puffs from last week at work…

I learned yesterday ED recovery takes 3 to 7 years…I’m in week 7…that is just depressing…

My Streak Came To An End

Ok so I am at a record almost 3 weeks without having a binge. I am also sitting at a record almost 3 weeks of seriously craving having a binge session and not indulging it.

I feel like I am going crazy.

Today I was mad, for no reason, just mad. Well, I sort of had a reason, it was my weekly weigh-in (I weigh myself more than once a week but only track the weigh-in results from Thursdays) and I gained weight. Ugh. I gained 0.4lbs so ok yeah, not like I gained a tonne but this is after two weeks of being in a plateau and I’m about at my breaking point over here.

Going up on the scale made me mad, I normally deal with being mad by eating, well, here I am trying to not binge which meant I had no coping skills to deal with the anger I was feeling.

Cue wanting to binge even more…

I had an errand at Costco and after I grabbed the items I was going there for I most definitely detoured to the bakery section to see what they might have. In case you are wondering I wanted doughnuts, I want doughnuts more than I want my next breath, sigh. And not one doughnut but allllllllll the doughnuts. ALL the doughnuts!

They did not have doughnuts. 😦

I contemplated buying a pie or cake but they cost too much so I left them alone.

Then I got to my car and pulled up the Panago website, I really like their dessert bread sticks so I thought I’d order some for pick-up and grab them on the way home. While looking at the website I changed my mind and went to Pizza Hut’s site, they have this Hershey’s Chocolate Chip cookie that is freakin amazing, it is jumbo cookie size, the chocolate is melty, it is warm, it omg, now I want that freakin cookie even more, sigh…So good! I feel weird ordering just a dessert from there so I ordered for pick-up the cookie, some bread sticks, and a personal size pizza. I looked at the total cost of the order and couldn’t do it, I couldn’t afford it.

Ugh. Being poor sucks.

I thought about getting just the bread sticks and the cookie but managed to stop myself from placing the order. Instead I ordered sushi for pick-up and debated stopping at a neighbourhood bakery or going to Tim Horton’s.

Through all this all I really wanted were doughnuts. There are these glazed doughnuts from WalMart, 6 for $1, literally dripping glaze, those were what I wanted. I had no legit reason for going to WalMart and I knew if I went I would buy those doughnuts, so I was doing my best to not go there. Luckily WalMart isn’t really all that near to where I was or where I live so getting to one would have been going way out of my way and since I’m trying to not spend money on excess things that extends to not driving places unless I need to and I was trying very very hard to not classify buying binge food as a “need to”. I figured Tim Horton’s doughnuts are way better quality anyways, so if I was going to buy doughnuts I should buy the better ones, right?

I picked up my sushi, which, in case you are wondering, I ordered because putting a roll in to my mouth fills my mouth, making it seem like I am binge eating, even though the quantity of food I have on my plate is not at binge levels. It is to get the sensory feel of the binge without the calories. Sometimes it works, most times it doesn’t.

This time it didn’t.

I had tricked myself though! After I picked up the sushi I drove home, told myself that if after I ate the sushi I still wanted the doughnuts I could either walk to the local bakery or drive to the Tim Horton’s that is nearby. Nothing stopping me from going out again, right?


I am lazy, and for some reason once I am in my place I get very reluctant to go out specifically to buy binge food. I feel like everyone is watching me and knows what I am doing. If I buy it when I am already out and about that is one thing, but going out just to buy it, I don’t like doing that. So by getting myself home I avoided buying the much coveted doughnuts.

I thought this was a win till I raided my kitchen cupboards. Couple brownies, a package of cookies, some random chocolates, and other foods later, I remembered why having a binge is not a good thing.

I feel so gross. I feel so guilty. It didn’t take away my anger, it if anything, intensified it because now I am even farther away from losing weight.


Why?! Why did I do it??

And not only why did I do it but why do I still want to be eating??

I forced myself to wait till a “normal” dinner time and ate a “normal” dinner. That wasn’t enough. I want more. I want to eat everything. I want to open another package of cookies even though the sweetness of the ones I ate is still making me feel nauseous. I want to go buy the doughnuts because they are what I have been wanting this entire time. I want to get a jar of peanut butter and a spoon and go to town. Ditto that but with Nutella. I want bread, in any and all forms. I want pastries goddammit. I want! I want! I want!

And yet, despite all that wanting, I am sitting here, typing, drinking endless cups of tea, feeling like I have a hole in my stomach and I can’t figure out if it is legit hunger or my stomach having trouble digesting all the crap I ate…and I am not eating.

I am not going back in to that kitchen and raiding more cupboards and eating more food.

I am not inhaling the other package of cookies. Or baking the pie I have in the freezer. Or baking fresh cookies, or a cake for that matter. Hell, I’m not even making toast.

Instead I am dealing with acid reflux, and a gurgling stomach, and self-loathing, and self-hatred, and guilt, and why did I think having a binge would do me any good?

Now I have to restart my counter for how many days I have been restricting and been good.





All I Think About

To make up for the disaster that was my food yesterday I swore today I’d be careful with what I eat. I slept most of the day, which helped lol I went almost 24 hours without eating which I suppose some people would think is a bad thing but makes me feel better about things. I ate bread sticks and chocolate chip cookies yesterday, I had to counter act that somehow! I had originally planned to work out three times today, instead of my normal one or two times but when I woke up it was 4:27pm and that kinda through me for a loop, and ruined my schedule. Oops.

So instead I restricted…

My first meal was one egg, two slices of turkey bacon and an apple. I knew I’d be hungry again later so I planned ahead for that and had what I tell people in real life is a snack or treat but in actuality it is something I consider a meal. I take a Special K Protein Drink, chocolate flavour, blend it with a frozen banana and maybe some other frozen fruit and boom! It is yummy, depending on how much fruit to liquid ratio there is it either turns out as a smoothie type drink or an ice cream type texture food I can put in a bowl and eat with a spoon. The fruit mixed with the chocolate drink makes it taste good and despite the drink being so high in calories (190!) I seem to be ok with it.

So there ya have it, my food for the day, I clocked in with having eaten 558 calories for the day, I suppose I could have eaten less, I know I did last Tuesday, but at least I didn’t eat more. Any day I eat under 700 calories I count as a win because usually I eat somewhere between 700 – 780 calories and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to consistently eat less than that without consequences, sigh.

I see other women who are so skinny, who I imagine never binge on bread sticks, or cave and eat ice cream, women who look amazing and I envy, and I wonder how many calories they eat, how do they manage it, it must be a low number and I feel like such a failure I can’t eat less and get skinny faster.

I wish I ate less. And yes I know, I am the one in control of how much and what I eat so if I want to eat less I should just eat less but its hard.

All I seem to think about is food. Like today, when I woke up, before I got out of bed I planned what I was going to eat, running through my safe food choices and for some reason I thought I’d cook the egg and turkey bacon, fry up some sliced tomato and put it all on toast, have a BLT but with turkey bacon instead of pig bacon. I actually thought that up and thought I would do it, for a second or two anyways, before I reminded myself that I don’t eat bread anymore, and I can’t have the miracle whip I would have put on the sandwich, and basically the whole meal is one big fat nope. Why would I even think of that? It made my actual meal seem so much less satisfying, sigh.

After that, while I was sitting and reading a portion of my brain was constantly thinking about food. What will I eat next, what time will I eat, then it was thinking of foods I can’t eat, and thinking of binge eating, and just over and over and over again food was in my thoughts.

It sucks.

I got asked by the lady who called me about my referral to the adult ed program how often I think about food, from 1% to 100% of the day, to rate it. I didn’t know what to say, how do I rate shit like that? I said somewhere in the 90s buuuuuut maybe it is actually higher. Thing is, I know my food issues are nowhere near as bad as other peoples’ are so if they are thinking about food 100% then I must be thinking about it less, so maybe I should have said like 85%? I dunno. It is like rating pain on a scale of 1 to 10, I suck at that too because pain can always get worse so I never want to rate it high, even if it is, because I feel I have to leave room for it to increase…does that make sense?

My brain feels fuzzy and I am having trouble focusing. I want to write something else, something to describe how I am feeling and what I am going through but I can’t seem to form the words right now. I should’ve had more caffeine earlier lol I can’t have it now though because I need to sleep because I have to get up at a normal time tomorrow and I’ve totally messed up my sleep schedule. Though, along with the fuzzy and lack of focusing brain I also feel tired so maybe I’ll get to sleep ok…we shall see!

hard work


I Got A Call

A little while ago I sucked up what little amounts of courage I seem to have when it comes to asking for help and went to a doctor to request a referral to an adult ed program in my area. The doctor was not great and the experience kinda sucked but it was done and oddly, once it was over, I felt…lighter…I don’t mean weight wise, but as if a bit of stress was off my shoulders. Stress I hadn’t even realized I had.

I didn’t know how long it would take to hear anything, there are long wait lists for everything medical related in this country so I put it on the back burner of my brain and tried to ignore it. Thing is, I wasn’t even sure if the referral went through. I had to go for a bunch of medical tests and the results of those got sent with the referral and the doc I saw didn’t seem to think I really needed help (she said I was a pretty girl and should get over it) so I had this suspicion that my paperwork would get lost along the way and I’d never hear about it again.

Part of me was willing to let it stay like that. I figured I had done my part, I asked for help, if the referral didn’t get sent then that was the universe saying don’t worry about it, or something to that effect. I was toying with the idea of calling the doctor’s office to ask if they could look at my file and see if the referral was sent but never got around to it.

Well, two Fridays ago I got a call, which I missed so it went to voicemail, and I finally listened to the message on the Sunday and what do you know, it was a lady from the program calling to talk to me. I left her a voicemail back on the Monday, or it might have been Tuesday…either way, I left her a voicemail and we eventually connected this past Friday (May 20th)

She is part of the intake process or something for the program and she was calling to tell me some deets I need to know and ask a hella lot of questions about me, my eating, medical stuff, behaviours I engage in, it was the most personal conversation I have had in a loooong time, and it was with a stranger over the phone! Weird!

I have to attend a session May 30th as part of the intake process, it is a mandatory thing, they are held once a month and I have three months to make it in to one, if I don’t make it in to one within the three months I am taken off the list and I have to get a new referral. I work Mondays and am not off early enough to get there in time so I have to miss an hour of work which sucks but I guess I should look at it as a small sacrifice for a larger good…I’ll wait to make that determination until after I go to the session lol

I’m not sure what to expect at this thing, if it is just me, or a lot of people, I think it will be a lot of people, or at least not just me, since they only hold them once a month, they probably round up everybody who is on their waiting list and see them at one time. I don’t really know the purpose of this meeting either, maybe it is to take a look at the people on the list and see who needs to be prioritized. I have this huge fear they will take one look at me and say I am not sick enough, don’t have a big enough problem, am not thin enough, for them to want to help me. Part of me wants to blow it off because if that is what I am going to face then why bother losing an hour of work just to be told they can’t help me, but in my slightly more rational moments I remind myself I don’t know that is what they are going to say, I don’t even know what this session is meant to accomplish, so stop jumping to conclusions and just go already.

I’m kind of panicking about it…which is weird. And oddly focused on what kind of impression I will make when I get there. I will be going right from work but I’ll change clothes before I go and I’m already going over and over what I will wear, what attitude I will have, will I keep my work attitude which makes me seem happy go lucky nice and funny, will I be more myself which is still funny, the consummate entertainer who makes everyone laugh and seems outgoing or will I be me, quiet and observing everything while silently assessing all I see and withdrawn from people. Those are all me, just at different points in the day and I don’t know which one I will default with. Usually with doctors an stuff I try to be nice and friendly and chatty because it makes them like you more and if they like you they are more willing to help you but these are people who might be asking me more probing questions and I’m not happy about that, just the thought of it puts my back up, but I’m going to them for help and maybe if I seem to difficult to chat with they will decide to not help me.

I’m kinda going around in circles here, and will probably have to wait and see how I feel on the day. I think it is just the unknown about what is going to happen that has me freaking out a bit.

On top of that I am now restricting like craaaaaazy because I don’t want to seem too fat when I see them. How messed up is that? So now I’m not just restricting like I normally do but I am even more strict than normal because if they ask what I eat, or how much, or how often, I don’t want to seem like a glutton and tell them I ate two meals that day *rolls eyes* I think there is something messed up there…but I can’t quite figure out what, because it seems like a normal thought to me but I’m pretty sure other people don’t think like that…

All this crap going through my head and I can’t tell anybody because nobody in my real life knows I struggle at all, let alone have asked for help. So every time someone asks me what is new I think about this upcoming meeting but can’t say anything cause they will have no idea what I am talking about, which makes it seem like an even bigger deal than it probably is, which makes me focus on it more and freak out about it more.

In reality it is probably just some info session or something, so they have more deets on those on the waiting list and then we are told they’ll contact us when we have moved up the list. Probably all the things I am dreading aren’t actually going to happen, and probably me getting any help is a long way off so I should just chill…but this is me and I can’t so instead I am cutting out more foods from my safe list and increasing my exercise and trying not to think too much even though my brain is running 100 miles a minute. Is this what crazy feels like?


feel fat

Manning Up

So I decided I hate making choices based on fear, whether I can figure out where the fear is coming from or what exactly it is about is a moot point. I had not been taking the step of going to a doctor and asking for a referral to an ED program because I was scared and that is something I realized I didn’t like about myself.

Usually I don’t let fear stop me, it might make me pause a moment but then I jump right in. I prefer overcoming things that scare me rather than back away.

Asking for help though…that is a whooooole different ball game.

Part of me feels that asking for help is being weak, is giving up, is being a wimp so asking for help was a bad bad thing. But part of me was thinking that I can’t control this anymore and I obviously haven’t been able to get it under control on my own so maybe I need some help and maybe getting help isn’t a bad thing…maybe.

Today…I went to the doctor and asked for a referral.

Even though all I was doing was sitting in a doc’s office asking for something I swear it seemed like the hardest thing I had done in a looooong time.

First off, this doctor knows nothing about eating disorders, as in…nothing! She gave me the option of being (1) anorexic or (2) bulimic…no binge eating disorder, no OSFED…and I don’t fully fit either of the two options she gave me so talk about awkward conversation, sigh. Then she seemed put out she had to go get the referral form and heaven forbid she had to fill out paperwork *rolls eyes*. She said I am a beautiful girl and I probably only have a mild version and I should “get over it”…I didn’t really know what to say to that so I shrugged. I felt like I reverted to being a child again, ugh.

Good thing I had done research before I went. I told her where I wanted a referral for, even though there are two places I found that both seem equally fine, I thought it would simplify things to just say one place. If I hadn’t told her where I wanted the referral to I don’t think she would have known where to send me for help. What do people who go in and just simply ask for help do when the doc doesn’t know where to send them?

Asking for a referral to an ED program via a doctor who knows nothing about ED’s seems like a flaw in the system to me…but what do I know?

I felt like she railroaded me during our conversation and because of that I didn’t feel comfortable telling her the truth about some stuff. Like, she wanted to know how long I thought I’d had an ED for and because I’ve been ruminating on this topic for a while now I realized I’ve had fucked up eating since I was about 18 or 19 so a looooooong time. Most of that time I was restricting without really realizing it all that much, I mean, I had my rules about what I could eat and when and how much etc but I followed them and exercised a lot and was skinny and had a busy life and well, it all seemed to work. But then I got older and started binge eating and that is where my real problem is, because I can’t control the binge eating and I can’t exercise enough to not gain weight from the binge eating and the restricting I do daily as part of my regular eating habits also can’t combat the extra calories I take in from binge eating so to me, my problem only really got unmanageable recently, with the binge eating. But I couldn’t explain all that to this doctor so I just told her in the past year or so I started binge eating and left it at that.

I lied about a couple other things but I figure if I actually get in to a program I can tell them the truth, or at least something closer to it lol

Then she checked my blood pressure and heart rate when I was sitting, standing and lying down, she also weighed me (which was depressing, sigh), took my temp, flashed a light in my eyes and glanced in my mouth.

She seemed pretty uninterested in all the exam stuff and kept saying she had to do it for the form but the info is really needed for the underweight people who have physical problems, not me…which gotta say, made me feel like a failure for not having a worse physical state…which is pretty messed up if you think about it…

Then I got sent for blood work, I had to pee in a cup and I had an EKG. The lab lady was way nicer than the doc. She asked why I was being sent for the EKG and I didn’t want to say so I told her the doc was just sending me for a bunch of tests and she turned that in to I was having a yearly physical so I let her keep thinking that. I wish I knew the results of the EKG, I’m kinda curious, I’m also curious about the blood work results…I know my iron is low because Red Cross won’t let me donate blood anymore but I don’t know if anything else has been affected by my weird eating habits. I don’t think they will be but I’m still curious.

So now I wait I guess. The lab results will go back to the doctor, if I understand correctly, and they and the referral form will be forwarded to the program intake person and I guess I’ll be put on a waiting list. I don’t know how long the wait will be, or what to expect from this point out and I’m not sure how I feel about that…I was terrified when I went in, then depressed by how I was being treated and talked to, then when I left I felt sorta like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I mean obviously I am no better now than I was yesterday but I guess since I asked for help and got the wheels in motion and there is nothing I can do from this point on I just have to let it go.

what do you want