Tag Archives: calorie restricting

My Line

Everyone has a line that when they cross it they go “shit, this isn’t good, I’ve gotta fix this”. Or something to that effect. I crossed my line so accidentally that I didn’t realize I had done it until the damage was done.

And now I feel I have to do something about it. Well, sorta. I felt more strongly about needing to do something about it yesterday, when the pain and injury were worse, today, as it is healing and less painful I’m not quite ambivalent but close to…I imagine tomorrow I’ll be even less inclined to take action…I wonder if eventually my line will move?

Maybe that is how it happens…you cross your line by accident, have a day of “gotta fix this shit”, then the next day comes, you realize the world hasn’t ended and you’re still able to function and are less worried, and over time your line moves, so that next time you get to that same point that caused panic only yesterday you don’t even feel a twinge of worry.

That should be unsettling, but I sorta don’t care…

This probably doesn’t make any sense, lemme explain.

I don’t cut myself, that’s not my thing, but I do burn myself, which when written down like this sounds horrible but it really isn’t. I make sure to not burn so bad I will scar, or impede my ability to function, I don’t burn myself where people will see, it’s not a big deal.

Except apparently it is? At ED recovery it got discovered by my case worker and my dietitian and they didn’t take it well. Not that they freaked out or anything, but it became this thing that required more meetings and talking, and it is what ended me up having to go see the shrink. They take it way more seriously than I do.

A couple months ago I burnt my arm more than intended, second degree, and ended up with a small scar. It is annoying and I don’t like it. I have extensive first aid training so I am able to competently tend to my own burns, but even with tending, I got that stupid scar.

I told myself I wouldn’t do that again. I wouldn’t second degree burn myself again, I’d not take the risk of another scar.

Notice I don’t actually care about being injured or what it is doing to my body, it is pure vanity driving this decision. That and if my case worker notices I am bandaged up again it might open up more intense discussions etc and ugh, no thanks!

Well, two nights ago I accidentally second degree burned my arm, different spot, but still…not good. I didn’t mean to, I swear! And I didn’t realize how bad it was until Friday morning when I was at work, I scratched my arm and hit this massive blister that is surrounded by smaller blisters and a hella lot of red skin.

sigh.

So I tended to it.

Today when I took the bandage off to wash the wound I discovered that the freakin massive blister that was hard only yesterday has burst (I probably bumped it and didn’t realize) so my chance of a new scar is pretty high. Oh, and infection, the chance of infection has increased also.

Yesterday, after discovering it, I was upset. Upset with myself for doing this. Even though it was by accident I was still upset. I don’t want another scar. The blisters are in a spot that make it easy to bump and cause more pain. I’m going to have to wear long sleeves for at least a week to keep the bandage hidden. Basically, I am upset because this injury will affect my day-to-day life for 3-14 days (depending on speed of healing). It is one thing to burn myself when the damage is minimal and I am not affected the next day but this, this is affecting me and I am annoyed by it.

The whole being upset thing caused me to seriously think about my whole burning myself deal and I was motivated to want to make changes to stop the burning. I didn’t know what to do and I just kept thinking I should talk to my case worker, tell her what I did, tell her I want to change, ask her for help. I don’t want to go on meds but maybe there is something else that can be done.

Today, with the blisters healing, the pain less noticeable, my being over 24 hours from the time of injury, I care less about stopping myself from doing this again. I am more inclined to think that since this was an accident it doesn’t really count and what is the big deal, don’t blow things out of proportion, stuff like that…which may be my brain trying to rationalize irrational behaviour so as to stop me from recovering (and if that doesn’t sound like a sentence made by someone who is in treatment I don’t know what does! lol)

But yeah, I crossed my line by accident, and now I’m wondering if my line will end up moving as a result…something to ponder as I go re-bandage my arm. *rolls eyes*

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Meal Plan

I was given a meal plan to follow, starting August 23rd.

So far I have sucked balls at following it.

I have an appointment with the nutritionist this coming Wednesday and I am dreading having to tell her I failed.

I have all these legit reasons for why it hasn’t happened yet, why I’m not following this meal plan, but I think she won’t see them as reasons, only excuses.

I couldn’t start following the meal plan the same day I got it because I didn’t have the food in my place to be able to follow it. Then I went out of town and my eating was all over the place because of being away. When I got back I had gained 1.5 pounds and I had to lose that before I could start some meal plan that had me eating more on a daily basis then I usually do. I can’t start off a meal plan when I am up on the scale, how will I ever lose that weight I gained from the weekend?

Hey now, don’t go judging my logic, it makes sense to me!

Then I was finally down on the scale but still didn’t have the right food in my place. Add to that the whole high potassium thing I’m going through. I can’t just eat what I want I have to be checking the potassium levels of everything and I gotta say, that is screwing with me.

I like spinach, spinach is high potassium, I am no longer supposed to have spinach, but I can’t just swap in some other type of lettuce where I would normally eat spinach, so now the choice is do I eat the spinach anyways and get some dark leafy greens or do I not eat any type of lettuce?

le sigh.

I’m having this issue with a bunch of foods.

So yeah, I have this meal plan, and I’m not following it.

Today was my first real attempt to follow it. I didn’t do great, but at least I sorta tried, that maybe counts for something…

I didn’t eat within 1.5 hours of getting up (that is rule number 1 from her), but I did eventually eat (which sounds stupid but isn’t). When I eventually ate something it was an actual meal, with food groups!

I had a two egg omelette with 1 tablespoon of shredded cheese inside. I topped it with 1 tablespoon of salsa (which I am trying to figure out if that counts as a veg serving…), I also had toast (that is an easy one for me), and a yoghurt (NOT an easy one for me). I was also supposed to have a fruit and a meat, but maybe the egg counts as a meat? I’m not clear on the rules…wait! I just checked, the eggs do count as meat so score for me!

I couldn’t fit a fruit it with that meal, it was too much food already, but I ate a nectarine about 3 hours later.

Then I went to work out for a couple hours.

Then the big dilemma.

When I got home from working out I didn’t want to eat. I wasn’t feeling hungry, I was feeling like any food I ingested would be taking away all the gains I got from my work out, I didn’t want my work out to be wasted because I ate after, ya know?

So I literally paced my kitchen, back and forth, back and forth, do I eat, don’t I eat, should I eat, should I not eat, I’m not hungry, I have been told my hunger signals suck and I need to eat on schedule, I already missed the scheduled time to eat so no point in eating now, eating now is better then not eating at all, I’ve eaten too much today, you haven’t eaten as much as you promised you would when you were given the meal plan, food will make me gain weight, you need to fuel your body, I don’t want to eat, it doesn’t matter what you want, I am in charge of what my body gets, you have to give your body what it needs, I don’t need more food today, yes you do, I’m not hungry, you’ll feel hungry soon and you might binge then, I could just go to bed early, you’ll sleep better if you eat something first…and so on…

Eventually I settled on something, and ended up with a meal that had, get this…food groups! And not just one!

I had a small tortilla wrap with some coleslaw (no dressing), home made turkey salad mix, and a small amount of shredded cheddar cheese.

That is grain, meat, veg, and dairy, all in one!

I ate it. I still wasn’t feeling hungry when I ate it and eating when I don’t feel hungry goes against everything I believe in doing but I said I’d try to follow the meal plan and so far I haven’t and eating this meal put me closer to following then not eating would have done.

Honestly, I still wish I hadn’t eaten anything. I’d be feeling better about myself and not paranoid that as I sit here typing that food is turning to fat and making me bigger.

But at least this way I can go to my meeting next week and say I sort of, kinda, in a way, tried to follow the plan.

Weight Gain

I have gained 1.5 pounds.

Don’t mock me, don’t say “it’s only 1.5 pounds”, don’t belittle that gain, please.

To me any gain is bad. A gain as large as 1.5 pounds is tantamount to failure, to derailment, to the beginning of a long lasting damage inducing binge cycle.

When I gain I go one of two ways. I either say I’ve screwed up can’t fix it now and go on a food bender that lasts anywhere from days to months and causes physical, emotional, and psychological damage. Or I go in to damage control mode and I clamp down on everything, I restrict like it is my sole focus in life (because it is), and I have nothing else on my mind but eating as little as humanly possible, while moving as much as physically possible, until I not only lose whatever I gained but lose more than that, so I have a bit of a safety net on the scale.

It is possible the weight gain is muscle, I have been back to my sports practices again, and I’ve been doing more manual labour type things at home, so maybe I gained a bit of muscle mass. But I don’t think so. I have been lax lately, having little nibbles of things I would normally never touch. Tasting foods friends bring me to try instead of saying I’ll try it later and then throwing it out. I’ve have a couple binges, some huge, some not so huge. And on top of that I’ve been vaguely trying, some of the time, to eat in way that would be more compliant to what my recovery program asks of me. My nutritionist has been on vacation so I sorta took that as an excuse to stop trying the stuff she asks me to do, but some days I kinda sorta tried, like the other day I ate three meals in one day! I mean sure, small meals, that combined didn’t get me to over 1000 calories, but still, eating that many times in one day is unheard of for me.

And that is what I blame the scale number on.

Not being more active. Not gaining muscle.

Nope. I blame it on weakened willpower. I blame it on my failure to control what goes in my mouth. I blame it on me and my inability to stay strong.

I blame me.

I am livid. Devastated. I punched a wall after I weighed myself. Then I almost cried, not from the pain of punching a wall (I am used to that), but from the pain I felt inside when I saw that number. The aching, jagged, pain, that was in my chest, radiating out to my whole body, letting me know how badly I had failed.

Is or is not my goal to lose weight?

Why yes, yes it is.

So why then have I been sabotaging myself by having nibbles of things here and there, having binges, eating more than one meal and one snack in a day?

Either I don’t want it badly enough, or I am weak and unable to resist the thing I want right now for the thing I ultimately want.

discipline

As soon as I left the bathroom after weighing myself I went in to food lock down mode.

Only very specific foods are allowed, and only in very specific combinations, and only in very specific quanities.

Today I ate 1/2 C oatmeal before work. At work I ate 1/3 C cubed beets and a turkey sandwich. That puts me at 548 calories for the day. On top of that I drank 6 cups of tea. Normally I would have had a diet coke but I ran out of time at work and my rule is the only thing I ingest after work is tea and water so alas, no diet coke for me.

I will get rid of this 1.5 pounds. And I will lose more than that to prove that I can. And I really hope I lose it before Wednesday, at the latest Thursday. I want to be more definitive about the “when” but my body has proven to me time and time again that it loses on it’s own schedule, all I can do is enforce the rules and wait till it does what I want.

I can’t gain weight, I can’t allow it, it is not a thing that is ok in my world and I will fight weight gain with every last inch of strength in my body.

I can do this. I can be strong.

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dont eat

Pondering Stuff

So today was day two post-binge. It wasn’t as bad as yesterday but it wasn’t great either. I slept in, on purpose. That part was nice. I eventually had to get up because there were places I had to be and ya know, I need time to groom, shrug.

By the time I got up it had been 18 hours since I had last eaten. It would have been longer but I had a dinner meeting last night and it would have looked weird to be the only person not having something.

Side note, it was pointed out I eat slower than pretty much everyone on the planet, or at least at the table, and one of those people was a 6 year old child. But I did however succeed in making it look like I ate more than I actually did and getting the waiter to take away the uneaten food before anyone could really realize I had left most of my meal uneaten. Is it wrong that I feel proud of that?

Ok, back to the topic at hand.

There I was, waking up, it had been 18 hours since I ate, and I was not hungry. Not very shocking or odd actually, least not for me. I knew that I should eat something before going out though, since I wouldn’t be home for quite a while and I am trying to not go 24 hours or longer with out food. I mean, I like doing that, but I know that isn’t getting me closer to recovery so I am trying to ignore my impulse to do that and ya know, eat more often…gotta say, it sure doesn’t come natural!

I stuck with my favourite food, also not shocking, and made oatmeal. I was a bit worried that eating would kick start my hunger, or make me feel sick again, but it did neither. Just kinda left me neutral.

I still feel like I have gained all my lost weight back because of that stupid binge, and I still feel massive in my abdominal area, so I dressed to hide that area, but I don’t think my stomach is quite as poofed out and bloated as it was yesterday, so hopefully things are settling down.

Something surprising happened, when I woke up but wasn’t out of bed yet I rolled over and was on my side and I hurt. You might be all “crap, what did you injure now!” but not that kind of hurt. My ribs hurt from laying on them. I thiiiiink it is because I lost a lot of fat from around my rib cage area, and with less of a cushion it hurt to lay on them. And not hurt like “omg I am in so much pain” hurt, just hurt like “this is uncomfy, I must change position now”, only, I didn’t change position cause I kinda wanted to keep feeling that pain, because it made me feel like maybe there is hope for me to lose the rest of this fat since I lost enough in that area to make laying down in that position uncomfy. Does any of that make sense?

Probably not, sigh.

As a direct result of my Sunday binge I scaled back my calories a lot today. I ate my oatmeal, a protein bar when out, and an egg with two slices of turkey bacon on a piece of toast, when I got home.

That is a grand total of 542 calories for the day.

I didn’t even have as many drinks today as normal, though that wasn’t a plan, it was cause I was out and well, some days you just can’t manage to take in all your fluids, shrug.

Ya know, I started this post with a purpose and now I can’t remember what I wanted to write about, I managed to distract myself by my own writing lol

I’m still overwhelmed with thoughts about that binge, and with how sickly and in pain I felt from it. The fact that even now I am still having discomfort in my digestive track makes me hope I will be able to remember how bad the results of that binge were and help prevent them in the future.

I think another couple days of super low eating should get me back to normal. I’ve been scared to step on the scale, I can’t handle seeing what the number is, but I’ll probably step on it either Wednesday or Thursday morning. I’ll see how I feel Wednesday and if still not great I’ll give myself one more day. But only one more day, then I have to stand on it and face the damage. Let’s hope by then the number isn’t too high, though with the way I feel right now it probably will be, sigh.

On another side note…I just realized that I think I got through the worst of the post-binge sensations without caving and using any of my metabolism boosters or laxatives or excessive working out…basically I did nothing to try to purge the food…does that count as a win for the recovery side? I think so…I’ll have to ask my case worker and see…

Potassium

Potassium? Who the fuck gives a care about potassium levels? Apparently doctors…but why? *rolls eyes*

I haven’t actually made it back to the doc’s office about the blood work test results but the whole reason I had to have them was because of an appointment set up with a shrink and to stay compliant with my recovery program.

The shrink took a look at the report and said I have high potassium.

I have nooooo idea how I have high anything, considering the amount of food I eat, but apparently I have high potassium.

I asked what I should cut out, he suggested bananas, I scoffed and said I don’t eat those…they used to be my favourite fruit but I haven’t eaten them in months, they ended up on my not safe food list, sigh.

He also asked if there are foods I don’t eat, I told him it would be easier to give him a list of the foods I do eat, since the “don’t eat” foods list is super long.

Turns out the meeting with him was for a psychiatric evaluation, which sounds terrifying, and makes me worried I’ll forever be labelled a crazy person. It took an hour and he asked a bit about practically every aspect of my life. He said the goal is to get a bit of information about everything and then go into more detail in follow-up sessions. Apparently I warrant follow-up sessions now…greeeeeeat…

My case worker sat in for the meeting, so there was a witness to this horribleness. He tried to get me to stand on a scale, like that was gonna happen! Ha! He also said I could tell him “no” if he asked about anything I really didn’t want to answer. There were a lot of questions I didn’t want to answer but I didn’t really say no to any of them…just sorta shut down and became less verbally responsive. Probably was shouting out like crazy with my body language though. Ugh. I irritate myself.

But yeah, so at the end of this appointment he pulled out the blood work results. They didn’t test for some stuff he wanted looked at so I get to go back in a week and get more blood taken, and get another ECG, fuuuuuck. Like I don’t have other things I am supposed to be doing?

Plus! I am supposed to cut out my protein drink to see if that is where my high potassium level is coming from. I don’t think it will be since I don’t drink them with any type of regularity. I had been trying to a while ago, but they are just so gross. Now I am basically trying to get through them so I don’t have to throw them all out and waste all that money. Since I am not adverse to drinking them calorie or nutrition wise I’d rather not pour them down the drain. If they had turned in to an unsafe food you can bet I’d have already poured them, waste of money or not. Oh the screwy logic that is mine lol

So one week of no protein drinks, then blood work and the ECG. I’m not sure what I am supposed to eat in place of the protein drink though. For all that I don’t drink them that often they do have a purpose when I do take them in and I don’t have anything I can swap in there. My list of safe foods is shrinking a little more every week and taking out one item makes a huge dent in what is available to me.

I dunno, I guess I’ll just go without, not like I couldn’t stand to cut out more calories, but I wish it had been my decision, and not one made for me…

 

All Over the Place

I have been all over the place lately with my food…some days eating an entire order of bread sticks and half a pizza, other days eating 1/2C of oatmeal and calling it a day. I can’t get a handle on it and frankly, trying to figure out how to get a handle on it is exhausting.

The other day I realized I had spent 8 hours thinking about food. It was Oscar Sunday and I usually let myself have something as a treat for my dinner when watching the Oscars. So while at work I kept thinking about what I was going to eat, I was jumping all over the place with ideas: pizza, sushi, ice cream, home made burger with fries, egg on toast…and more. I couldn’t decide because every item sounded delicious and as soon as I thought about it I wanted it.

I eventually decided on pizza, specifically half a frozen pizza I had in my freezer, because I could track the nutritional information, it would be a treat, and it would then be out of my freezer.

Well, something went drastically wrong when cooking it and it became inedible. Not like, a tiny bit burned or something, I mean totally not a thing that can be eaten any longer and I had to throw it out.

Not impressed.

No way in hell was I going to take time away from watching the Oscars to cook something and I now had pizza on the brain so I ordered in from Pizza Hut.

Why do I do that?? sigh.

One 9″ pepperoni pizza and an order of bread sticks. Really all I wanted were the bread sticks and a dessert from there but I was trying to show some level of restraint…as if pizza is ever showing restraint? *rolls eyes*

I ate half the pizza and alllll of the bread sticks. My god I love carbs, Mmm! Weirdly, they weren’t even that good, I just couldn’t stop once I started.

Then I was in crazy levels of pain…I’m having some gastrointestinal issues and eating in large quantities makes the pain from those issues flare up. Not cool.

The only up side I can see is it makes my ice cream experience from two weeks ago seem… wait, I was going to say “not so bad” but it was bad, it was a whole new low that mortifies me. I had a tub of ice cream and I made a rule I was only allowed to eat it when standing up. The actual ice cream was mediocre but the peanut butter and chocolate cups that were in the ice cream were super delicious so I stood at the sink and dug out the peanut butter and chocolate cups, letting the ice cream go down the drain.

Who does that??

sigh.

So yeah, all over the place food wise…don’t even get me started on the mini cream puffs from last week at work…

I learned yesterday ED recovery takes 3 to 7 years…I’m in week 7…that is just depressing…

My Streak Came To An End

Ok so I am at a record almost 3 weeks without having a binge. I am also sitting at a record almost 3 weeks of seriously craving having a binge session and not indulging it.

I feel like I am going crazy.

Today I was mad, for no reason, just mad. Well, I sort of had a reason, it was my weekly weigh-in (I weigh myself more than once a week but only track the weigh-in results from Thursdays) and I gained weight. Ugh. I gained 0.4lbs so ok yeah, not like I gained a tonne but this is after two weeks of being in a plateau and I’m about at my breaking point over here.

Going up on the scale made me mad, I normally deal with being mad by eating, well, here I am trying to not binge which meant I had no coping skills to deal with the anger I was feeling.

Cue wanting to binge even more…

I had an errand at Costco and after I grabbed the items I was going there for I most definitely detoured to the bakery section to see what they might have. In case you are wondering I wanted doughnuts, I want doughnuts more than I want my next breath, sigh. And not one doughnut but allllllllll the doughnuts. ALL the doughnuts!

They did not have doughnuts. 😦

I contemplated buying a pie or cake but they cost too much so I left them alone.

Then I got to my car and pulled up the Panago website, I really like their dessert bread sticks so I thought I’d order some for pick-up and grab them on the way home. While looking at the website I changed my mind and went to Pizza Hut’s site, they have this Hershey’s Chocolate Chip cookie that is freakin amazing, it is jumbo cookie size, the chocolate is melty, it is warm, it omg, now I want that freakin cookie even more, sigh…So good! I feel weird ordering just a dessert from there so I ordered for pick-up the cookie, some bread sticks, and a personal size pizza. I looked at the total cost of the order and couldn’t do it, I couldn’t afford it.

Ugh. Being poor sucks.

I thought about getting just the bread sticks and the cookie but managed to stop myself from placing the order. Instead I ordered sushi for pick-up and debated stopping at a neighbourhood bakery or going to Tim Horton’s.

Through all this all I really wanted were doughnuts. There are these glazed doughnuts from WalMart, 6 for $1, literally dripping glaze, those were what I wanted. I had no legit reason for going to WalMart and I knew if I went I would buy those doughnuts, so I was doing my best to not go there. Luckily WalMart isn’t really all that near to where I was or where I live so getting to one would have been going way out of my way and since I’m trying to not spend money on excess things that extends to not driving places unless I need to and I was trying very very hard to not classify buying binge food as a “need to”. I figured Tim Horton’s doughnuts are way better quality anyways, so if I was going to buy doughnuts I should buy the better ones, right?

I picked up my sushi, which, in case you are wondering, I ordered because putting a roll in to my mouth fills my mouth, making it seem like I am binge eating, even though the quantity of food I have on my plate is not at binge levels. It is to get the sensory feel of the binge without the calories. Sometimes it works, most times it doesn’t.

This time it didn’t.

I had tricked myself though! After I picked up the sushi I drove home, told myself that if after I ate the sushi I still wanted the doughnuts I could either walk to the local bakery or drive to the Tim Horton’s that is nearby. Nothing stopping me from going out again, right?

Wrong!

I am lazy, and for some reason once I am in my place I get very reluctant to go out specifically to buy binge food. I feel like everyone is watching me and knows what I am doing. If I buy it when I am already out and about that is one thing, but going out just to buy it, I don’t like doing that. So by getting myself home I avoided buying the much coveted doughnuts.

I thought this was a win till I raided my kitchen cupboards. Couple brownies, a package of cookies, some random chocolates, and other foods later, I remembered why having a binge is not a good thing.

I feel so gross. I feel so guilty. It didn’t take away my anger, it if anything, intensified it because now I am even farther away from losing weight.

Arg!

Why?! Why did I do it??

And not only why did I do it but why do I still want to be eating??

I forced myself to wait till a “normal” dinner time and ate a “normal” dinner. That wasn’t enough. I want more. I want to eat everything. I want to open another package of cookies even though the sweetness of the ones I ate is still making me feel nauseous. I want to go buy the doughnuts because they are what I have been wanting this entire time. I want to get a jar of peanut butter and a spoon and go to town. Ditto that but with Nutella. I want bread, in any and all forms. I want pastries goddammit. I want! I want! I want!

And yet, despite all that wanting, I am sitting here, typing, drinking endless cups of tea, feeling like I have a hole in my stomach and I can’t figure out if it is legit hunger or my stomach having trouble digesting all the crap I ate…and I am not eating.

I am not going back in to that kitchen and raiding more cupboards and eating more food.

I am not inhaling the other package of cookies. Or baking the pie I have in the freezer. Or baking fresh cookies, or a cake for that matter. Hell, I’m not even making toast.

Instead I am dealing with acid reflux, and a gurgling stomach, and self-loathing, and self-hatred, and guilt, and why did I think having a binge would do me any good?

Now I have to restart my counter for how many days I have been restricting and been good.

Fuck.

stop-eating

self-control