Tag Archives: body image

Diet Pills

I couldn’t write you a comprehensive list of all the diet pills and supplements I’ve taken over the years if you offered to pay me for it. Not because I’m not willing to share but because there have been so many I can’t remember them all.

For the past year or so I’ve been using, off and on, the same ones. I say “off and on” because technically, in treatment, I’m not supposed to be taking them. Or I’m at least supposed to be actively working at not taking them. Sometimes I do that. Sometimes I say fuck it as I pop em in my mouth.

Yes, I know diet pills are not regulated, or guaranteed to work, and are most likely harmful to my body, but, well, in the moment none of that matters to me. I feel that stopping taking them daily to only taking them when I have had a binge is a vast improvement and frankly, I can’t envision a life where I don’t have some occasionally. I don’t understand how not everybody has some stashed away.

A couple weeks ago I was at an essential oils party and one of the oils is for weight loss, hunger suppressant, stuff like that. There is also an option to buy a diet pill version and a shake powder.

Uh hello, a new diet pill? Why don’t you just pass that brochure on over here k?

I took a look at the blurb written about them, talked to the lady selling them, and boom! Ordered a bottle.

The stupid things are so not cheap, and I really can’t afford them. But the promise of a pill that will help suppress my appetite and make me skinny was too much to pass up.

I must have been feeling conflicted about it because I had a doc’s appointment last week and mentioned it to him. This is a shrink doc, not a body doc, I see him once every six weeks as part of my recovery program.

So yeah, he asked about my pill usage, and I told him, and then I mentioned how I bought a new one but hadn’t gotten it yet. He strongly suggested I cancel the order before I have the pills in my possession. I didn’t agree or disagree, just made some non-committal noise.

I honestly hadn’t thought I could cancel them, I’d given my word I was ordering them, I can’t go back on that, right?

I decided to let fate decide. The next day I texted the lady and asked if the order had gone in yet. She said no. I asked her to cancel my order as I had some unexpected expenses and couldn’t afford them – yes, I lied, deal with it. She asked if it would be ok to check with me in a month or so to see if I wanted them then. I said yes, mostly out of politeness, but I guess also so I don’t feel like the opportunity is lost to me forever.

I don’t know how I feel about cancelling the order. Money wise I feel relieved, I really can’t afford them. But the rest of me doesn’t feel happy about it. I guess I feel conflicted? I want the pills. I can give you a ton of arguments why I should have the pills. I honestly can’t give you one single argument for not having the pills except the shrink said to cancel the order. The decision was definitely not one made by me from a recovery mindset. I guess that doesn’t matter too much, as the result is the same, except it pisses me off that other people can buy these pills and try them, and what if these are the diet pills that really do work and I miss out on them, but I can’t buy them, all because of my eating disorder.

It doesn’t help that I’m having a horrible, and I mean horrible, body image day, and my stomach has been hurting every time I eat something for two days now, and I’m sliding down in to sadness – that is something that happens now and then. I can feel it happening but have no way to stop it, sigh. And apparently I am the equivalent of a pouty toddler because dammit, I want them *stomps foot*

Which, if I am being logical, is the perfect reason to not have them. I want them too much. And if I’m being honest I don’t need help suppressing my appetite, I barely have an appetite as-is *rolls eyes*

I still want them though…

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Body Image

I hate being asked what I think about my body image. Like seriously, what doctor thinks that is an okay thing to ask a person? I never know how to answer.

Uh…well, I know I am fat, so I guess that is how I think about my body image?

I have sucky body image.

I don’t want to talk about it.

Those are my instinctive responses but none of them seem to be the right answer. sigh.

In case you hadn’t guessed, I was asked that recently. It makes me stumble every time I am asked, makes me screw up the rest of the conversation, makes me want to punch a wall and look down at my feet at the same time. That question makes me so incredibly uncomfortable.

It also got me thinking about body image. Which is a pisser.

I know I am fat. I see myself in the mirror every damn day don’t I? And not just in clothes, clothes that I choose specifically to try to hide my many flaws, but naked, or in just a towel, or just underwear, when none of the flaws can be hidden. I see it all. I know where all the problem spots are. I see where all my failures are etched on my body. I see where the evidence of my laziness and being prone to over indulgence show.

I see how fat I am. Daily.

I don’t want to have to put that in to words for some doctor.

I fly to a different province for Christmas, a province that has less tax than I do, combining the smaller amount of tax with Christmas and Boxing Week sales, and birthday discounts, I tend to buy clothes when I am there because it will save me money. I needed to replace all my work clothes because none of them were fitting properly, they were all too big. I figured they all got stretched in the wash, and were a bit old, so no big deal. Well imagine my surprise when I am trying clothes on and am going down 2 to 3 sizes before I find things that fit, and those items fit loose. I prefer my clothes loose but I think if I preferred form fitting clothes I could probably have gone down another size. Crazy!

I know I have to take in to account vanity sizing and all that, but…it appears I have shrunk, and it isn’t that my clothes got stretched out.

Hmmm.

Now, I am not at all unhappy that I have gotten smaller, in fact I am thrilled. I am also confused at how this happened and I didn’t notice.

I look at myself every day. I see my flaws, my fat, every day. How did I not notice some of it went away? I mean yeah ok, I had noticed my ribs were more prominent and my hip bones, but my stomach and thighs are still just as fat, my ass still just as big, my face still just as round.

Before that shopping trip I would have said I 100% know what I look like and I 100% know I look the same, am the same, as this time last year. I have not changed in size, no matter how badly I want to.

Apparently that statement would have been wrong.

And I’m struggling because if I didn’t see that I was losing weight, then what if I start gaining weight and I don’t notice? What if I start getting even fatter and I don’t see it, and nobody tells me, and I just get fatter and fatter until there is no coming back from it?

Also, if I don’t see myself as I truly am, if I did get smaller and not see it, but was so sure I knew exactly what I looked like, well, what if there are other things I don’t see clearly? What if there are other aspects of myself, my eating disorder, my attempt at recovery, that I think I 100% see as they are, but, I don’t? And if I don’t see other things clearly, and other people don’t tell me what is the truth, or they tell me but I don’t believe them, how will I ever see things as they truly are?

How can I trust anything I think, or feel, or see, when it comes to me and how I look and my health and my eating disorder, if I somehow went down 3 sizes in clothes and can’t see that change?

How will I know what is real, what I can believe?

It reminds me of when you are driving in the fog. The area right around you doesn’t seem that foggy but farther down the road the fog looks thicker. You go farther down the road and realize it still doesn’t seem so thick around you but a bit farther down the road it looks thicker. Eventually you realize the fog around you is just as thick as the fog down the block, only you can’t see it because it is too close to you for you to perceive, because you are in it.

I am in the midst of my eating disorder, I vaguely knew about it before but chose to ignore the knowledge. Now, now I am aware, and see some things more clearly, but not all things, because I am too much mired in the eating disorder to see things beyond a certain point. Maybe one day I’ll be able to get clear of the fog, but for now, it is around me, blocking me from seeing the truth about who knows how many things, and even though I am aware of it now, it is fog, and I don’t know how to fight something I can’t touch.

 

An Achievement

Something to celebrate, a small achievement, but one I am proud of.

Though, I don’t know how best to describe it and I don’t post pictures of myself on here so not like I can show you…lemme try to explain…

You know when you lay down on your back and lift your head to look down the length of your body to see how flat and bony it looks?

Well, when I got home today I stripped out of my clothes in order to put on some cozy sweats but I lay down on the bed first. As I was laying on the bed in only my underwear I started feeling my ribs and hips with my hands.

No, I wasn’t feeling myself up or anything, I just like to test out my bones, see if they are getting more prominent. I don’t really see myself as I am most of the time so I find I can get a better idea of how much I am losing (or heaven forbid, gaining!) if I feel without looking.

Anyways!

My hip bone felt bonier, I was laying on my side though so it doesn’t really count. So I rolled over onto my back and was feeling my hips and thought “yup, they do feel more pronounced” so I decided to chance it and I looked down the length of my body to take a look at my hips.

Normally when I do this all I see if fat so I don’t like doing this.

Today though I noticed my rib cage is sticking out farther than my breasts (don’t take that as being too impressive, my bra was off and my boobs were flattened from gravity, stupid gravity, sigh) but the big thing, the exciting thing, the thing I am proud of is that there was a gap between my skin and my panties because my panties were held aloft from my body by my hips.

I had a panty gap!

Which I don’t know if that is what it is actually called but who the fuck cares? I have one!

Aaaaaand since my explanation makes nooooo sense I’m gonna try to find a pic…

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Ok so see in the picture above how the waistband isn’t touching the torso cuz the hipbones stick out? That is what mine are doing now!

Only I don’t look as good as in this picture cuz this girl is way skinnier than me. But hey, I’m getting there! *crosses fingers*

I’ve been getting better with keeping my calories low and my binges less frequent. I think I sorta inadvertently reset when my friend died. I was so upset that I lost my appetite completely and when it started to come back I was better able to be ruthless about not giving in to it.

I’m going to have to be extra strict for the next week or so as I hurt my knee and can’t run until it is a bit more stable. I’m going to try the bike at the gym tomorrow, see if I can manage that ok, if so then I guess that’ll be my cardio for a while, which sucks balls cause I get a way better workout from running (even though I hate running with a passion) but it is either take it easy for a week and then be ok or push myself and hurt my knee even more which then prevents me from working out at all, for months. It has happened. It is horrible. I really can’t go through that again.

I think I’ll be able to maintain the strictness though, now that I have that panty gap, it’ll be great motivation. After all, I just got it, I don’t want to lose it!