Category Archives: Positive

Snow Shoeing

Some friends and I went snow shoeing the other day. Normally when I go snow shoeing, or hiking, I go alone, so going with three other people was an oddity for me. I was freaking out about how I was going to be the slowest, the least fit, the one panting for breath, the one struggling to get up the side of the mountain, the one holding every body else back, the one the others wished didn’t come.

I wanted to cancel.

But I didn’t.

I did, in the week leading up to the day, send joking type comments to our group chat about how I’d be the one left for the wild animals to eat if something starts hunting us. Things like that. We were all joking and teasing but my sub-text for those messages was to remind them I am not in as good of shape as they are. I wanted to lower their expectations of me.

Turns out I was actually fine. I was able to keep up, even led the group for part of the trail. I was pretty much matching them for fitness level, I think I was actually in better shape than one of them.

How in hell did that happen? I mean yeah I go the gym and I have my team practices (of which I had one that morning), but I am woefully out of shape.

The next day we are all messaging in our group chat and they are comparing sore thighs, and calves, and glutes, and hamstrings, and I’m silent because nothing hurts. I’m fine. And I don’t mean that in my defensive saying I am fine when I’m really not kind of way. I really am fine. Nothing hurts, nothing got pulled, I don’t feel like I need a rest day, or extra time to recover, I just went about my normal day and was fine. I did feel a bit hungrier than normal which was annoying…but that was the only thing I noticed.

This happens after my team practice, others will be talking about sore muscles, how tired they are, things like that, and usually I am silent because I don’t feel that pain or level of tired and I always assume it is because I am not working hard enough, not putting in as much of an effort as everyone else, not doing my technique properly and therefore not using my muscles the same way as everyone else. So as they are chatting about sore muscles an stuff I’m wondering if I did something wrong because I don’t feel like that but then I realized that it was freakin snow shoeing, there is no right or wrong way. We all did the same thing, went at the same pace, climbed the same distance.

How could I do that wrong, or not the same as the others?

I don’t think I could have…which means I am not sore not because I screwed up but because what? because my muscles are more used to working out? I’m in better shape than I thought? I’m not quite as much of a fat lazy slob as I think I am?

I’m not sure why, but it is something I keep thinking about.

Something else I noticed was just how differently I think about food, or not think about food I guess I should say.

All three of them brought snacks for the trail, they didn’t eat them but they brought them just in case. Which just confused me. Then, when we are back in the car and headed down the mountain they all pull out food and start eating and sharing and eating some more and I’m all “what the fuck? where did this food come from?”

And I mean serious levels of food! Cliff Bars, crackers, cheese, nuts, fruit, and more! They all offered to share with me but I didn’t want to eat so I used the excuse of wanting to keep my hands on the wheel while on the winter roads as a reason to not be eating.

Never, in all the planning for this day, did it ever cross my mind to take snacks, something that all three of them thought was a natural thing to do.

I figured since I had eaten something between my morning practice and going snow shoeing that would be my food for the day and I’d be good.

They all had breakfast, and lunch, those snacks, and dinner.

How in hell did they fit all that food in their bodies? And how are they all so much smaller than me when they eat so much?

I’m so confused.

I’m not upset by their eating, or by the realization that it never crossed my mind to bring food, it just sorta keeps popping up in my head as a thing to think about with wonder and confusion…like I’d glimpsed such a crazy alternate way of living I just keep thinking about it, not with judgement, just…thinking…

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A Surprise Victory?

I attend meal support group every week. I have to take a meal with all four food groups, in proper portion sizes, and eat the entire meal in under a half hour. Then I sit around with the others there and we colour or play a game or something until it is too late to purge. The activity is supposed to keep us distracted so we don’t focus on all the food we just put in to our system and can not immediately get rid of.

Sigh.

When I first started meal support it went bad. Like, so bad. Not in the group. When in the group I seemed fine. I ate. Slowly. But I ate. I always finished my meal, it was always a well balanced combo of food, I took part in the activity and made nice.

Afterwards though, it was bad.

I felt like I had just screwed up the entire day and I would either restrict for the rest of that day and all of the next to make up for it or I would binge because I’d already screwed up so might as well make it worse.

Don’t you just love messed up logic sometimes?

Double sigh.

I have been going to this group for I don’t even know how long anymore. Months and months and months. I don’t make it every week, sometimes life gets in the way or I just can’t make myself go, but since the New Year I have been pushing myself to go each week.

This past Wednesday I realized something, ready for it?

Dun…dun…dun…

I don’t binge or restrict after meal support anymore.

I still don’t like all the food I eat being in my stomach, and it can still set me up for a bad rest of the day emotion wise, but I don’t compensate for eating that meal at a time I don’t like, in a quantity I am not comfortable with, in a setting I didn’t choose, by saying screw it and eating everything I can get my hands on or going in to lock down mode and not touching anything but tea, diet coke, and water.

I am not exactly sure when that happened…I guess it was a gradual shift and now I just sorta know how to be ok with that meal?

I’m not sure. I’m not sure what any of it means. Maybe now that I’ve told someone it won’t happen again and I’ll have screwed myself, but maybe not? Maybe this is a new normal for me, and wouldn’t that be interesting…

A Clean Bill

I wrote the other day about being worried about a thing on my back that may or may not be a sign of cancer.

Happy to report that while the doc says we’ll keep an eye on it…or rather she will since it’s on my freakin back and hard to see!…I don’t need to be worried about it.

Yay!

On a random note, is it messed up that leading up to the appointment I couldn’t figure out which I was more worried about…the possibility of cancer or having someone see me without a shirt on?

I am single af, have been for a long time, the only parts of me people see are the ones socially acceptable to be showing when out in public, so arms, sometimes legs, shoulders, some cleavage…let’s just say I don’t flash a lot of skin ok?

So leading up to the appointment I was super focused on what I was gonna wear (button up fleece), reminding myself to make sure I shaved my armpits that day (I mean, I don’t let myself get hairy or anything but still! If I’m gonna freak out about one thing I might as well freak out about all things lol), and trying to figure out if I would be able to just slip the shirt down a bit without taking it off…fyi, not possible.

The doctor actually pulled the whole shirt off, while I’m standing there trying to oh so subtly keep it partially in place lol She wanted to see my entire back, I guess if you’re gonna check out a possible cancer spot you might as well check out the whole back…and then the front cause dude, she turned me around and was looking at my front…thank god I wore a pretty bra!…which yes, was another thing I kept reminding myself to do lol

I didn’t share any of my worries at my groups on Monday, not because I think they aren’t a safe environment, but because I didn’t want people I have to see face-to-face to know what was going on. Either it would be cancer and I didn’t want to deal with pity, or I wouldn’t have cancer and I’d come across as a hypochondriac. All I mentioned was I was stressed about something that was happening on Tuesday and distracted, and left it at that. Thankfully nobody pressed about it.

Another kind of random thing from the doc’s appointment, I think she was checking to see how visible my ribs were…once she was done checking my skin for scary things she sat me down and was all “how are you doing” in a serious voice. She never asks me shit like that. I said fine cause, well, what else am I gonna say? She also said I could come in on a regular basis so she could check my skin since my risk of cancer is so high my skin should be monitored. Ugh. Won’t that be fun? *rolls eyes*

But for now I’m going to be happy that all is good skin cancer scare wise and go prep for meal support tomorrow. I hate meal support, which oddly enough, is why I go lol I’ll explain that another day!

An Achievement

Something to celebrate, a small achievement, but one I am proud of.

Though, I don’t know how best to describe it and I don’t post pictures of myself on here so not like I can show you…lemme try to explain…

You know when you lay down on your back and lift your head to look down the length of your body to see how flat and bony it looks?

Well, when I got home today I stripped out of my clothes in order to put on some cozy sweats but I lay down on the bed first. As I was laying on the bed in only my underwear I started feeling my ribs and hips with my hands.

No, I wasn’t feeling myself up or anything, I just like to test out my bones, see if they are getting more prominent. I don’t really see myself as I am most of the time so I find I can get a better idea of how much I am losing (or heaven forbid, gaining!) if I feel without looking.

Anyways!

My hip bone felt bonier, I was laying on my side though so it doesn’t really count. So I rolled over onto my back and was feeling my hips and thought “yup, they do feel more pronounced” so I decided to chance it and I looked down the length of my body to take a look at my hips.

Normally when I do this all I see if fat so I don’t like doing this.

Today though I noticed my rib cage is sticking out farther than my breasts (don’t take that as being too impressive, my bra was off and my boobs were flattened from gravity, stupid gravity, sigh) but the big thing, the exciting thing, the thing I am proud of is that there was a gap between my skin and my panties because my panties were held aloft from my body by my hips.

I had a panty gap!

Which I don’t know if that is what it is actually called but who the fuck cares? I have one!

Aaaaaand since my explanation makes nooooo sense I’m gonna try to find a pic…

tumblr_n3gz1dyRLP1syke28o1_250

Ok so see in the picture above how the waistband isn’t touching the torso cuz the hipbones stick out? That is what mine are doing now!

Only I don’t look as good as in this picture cuz this girl is way skinnier than me. But hey, I’m getting there! *crosses fingers*

I’ve been getting better with keeping my calories low and my binges less frequent. I think I sorta inadvertently reset when my friend died. I was so upset that I lost my appetite completely and when it started to come back I was better able to be ruthless about not giving in to it.

I’m going to have to be extra strict for the next week or so as I hurt my knee and can’t run until it is a bit more stable. I’m going to try the bike at the gym tomorrow, see if I can manage that ok, if so then I guess that’ll be my cardio for a while, which sucks balls cause I get a way better workout from running (even though I hate running with a passion) but it is either take it easy for a week and then be ok or push myself and hurt my knee even more which then prevents me from working out at all, for months. It has happened. It is horrible. I really can’t go through that again.

I think I’ll be able to maintain the strictness though, now that I have that panty gap, it’ll be great motivation. After all, I just got it, I don’t want to lose it!

Decisions Decisions

I’ve hit a plateau and I’m pissed about it. According to weight watchers, if I follow their rules, I will lose weight. Maybe I won’t lose it as fast as I would like but I will lose it.

It hasn’t been a total fail, I have lost 11.8lbs in a so-called healthy way, which is a novelty lol normally I lose weight by starving myself, so seeing the number on the scale get smaller while eating every day has been odd.

I’ve been struggling with the whole eating every day thing, and the amount of food they want me to eat every day, but I’ve been trying my best to keep to their rules.

Well! I think their plan is flawed. I’ve been following the rules and for three weeks now I have stayed the same weight. The exact same weight! Who does that??

It is pissing me off. Grr!

I have decided to cut back on the amount of food I eat in a day and see if that helps. In the world of weight watchers food is converted to smart points and you get so many smart points a day. I get 30 smart points a day and am supposed to eat them all every single day. Ugh.

I’ll start small, I’m going to eat 25 smart points worth of food per day, well ok, today I ate 24, but its close, just one less than the plan. I was going to go down to 20 but maybe dropping by 10 (that is 1/3 of my allotted food per day) is too big of a drop. I want to shock my body out of this plateau but not freak it out ya know?

I feel so much better now that I have made this decision. I feel calmer, more in control, more like I am taking strides to achieve my goal. Its nice to feel like I am making the choices again vs blindly following someone else’s rules.

It makes sense if you think about it, I need to lose weight, I shouldn’t be eating so much if I want to lose weight and cutting back on how much I eat each day should help me reach my goal faster. It’ll still be a healthy weight loss, I’m not cutting down to super low quantities of food like I’ve done in the past so its not like I’m starving myself. I’m just being more proactive in my efforts. 🙂

I feel so much better now that I’ve made this decision. 😀

applause

From One To The Other

Anybody who has been following this blog for any length of time knows I go from binge eating to restricting and eventually back again with occasional bouts of normal eating here and there. Cause ya know, gotta keep things interesting 😉

Yesterday allllll I wanted to do was binge. I contemplated writing a post on here but I knew all it would say, over and over again, was: “I want to binge” and really, what is the point of that?

I had a baby binge, and I am mad at myself for it, but I am trying to accept that I did it and move on. Easier said than done but hey, I said I was trying, not succeeding. 😛

Today is the opposite. I had lunch plans with a friend, then we were hitting up a movie, then I was supposed to make dinner and go to practice.

I met with the friend as planned and I ate part of the meal I ordered. It was a grilled veggie sandwich and came with a side salad. I ate most of the sandwich – thank goodness for lunch sized items on menus and had a nibble of the salad.

Because it is a restaurant meal and I can’t properly track the nutritional information (it is also one of those backwards places that doesn’t provide you with that info either in the restaurant or on their website, sigh) that automatically means I won’t eat the rest of the day.

Those are my rules.

However, I had practice in the evening and if I don’t eat something closer to practice time than that lunch was I won’t make it through. Arg. So annoying.

So when I got home I measured and weighed out a light dinner, convincing myself it was ok because I was about to burn it off so it hardly counts.

I don’t really believe that justification but I ate the food and then pushed super hard at practice and haven’t eaten since.

Roughly, taking in to account I could be waaaaay off with my restaurant calculations, I’ve eaten about 800 calories today.

I’m not really sure how I feel about that. Normally when I am restricting I limit myself to 780 calories or less in a day but that restaurant bread really screwed me over. 😦

I know I will restrict for at least a couple more days to compensate for what I ate yesterday, not sure if after that I will end up fighting the urge to binge or if I will level off and eat more normally for a bit or what, I never know how a day is going to go until I am living it.

Earlier in the day I was sad, for no reason I could figure, just…sad. I had sad memes all ready for the post cause they were so perfect for how I was feeling but right now I am doing ok. Restricting usually helps my mood…except for when it makes me super bitchy and I want to kill people 😉 I guess because I feel more in control when restricting, more like I am working towards my goal, being pro-active in getting what I want. That is my current theory anyways…no real proof to back it up…

happy

Happy thinspo pic to go with my mood.

On a side note, I have lost 6.2lbs which is the equivalent to 3 racks of baby back ribs. If you’ve been losing weight and want to see what it is equivalent to go to http://www.ilostwhat.com and give it a go. It can be kinda funny to see what it says.

Back To Restricting

I don’t know about you but I work well with a deadline. If the deadline is far away then it might as well not exist, it has no impact on me, but if it is close and looming over me I am awesome at doing whatever needs to be done.

My newest deadline, well, newest big deadline, is Dec 21 when I go back home for Christmas. I live a province away from all my family so I spend most of the year away from their prying eyes. You’d think this would be great but the stress of going back home usually has me binge eating in the weeks leading up to a visit so I feel like every time I go back I am huge and being judged on my weight. I hate it.

This time however I seem to be doing the opposite. I have been doing a really good job of restricting my calories aaaaaand I have bumped up my exercising so yay!

I think part of what is keeping me from binge eating is that I have a Christmas party coming up on Friday so no way do I want to binge before that, plus, I was super sick not yesterday Monday but the Monday prior and it took a while to get any sort of appetite back. The lack of appetite from being sick is what led me in to my newest bought of restricting. When I was recovering everything tasted weird and nothing settled in my stomach very well so I ate very little and I’ve managed to maintain that. 😀

I am reeeeeally hoping that after the party I will maintain my restrictive eating with as much ease as I have been able to this past week. I think it will be a bit of a struggle because of the stress of going back home but if I keep myself busy enough maybe I’ll be able to ignore that, or at least control it. 🙂

Camera 360

something about this picture captivates me…