Category Archives: Positive

An Achievement

Something to celebrate, a small achievement, but one I am proud of.

Though, I don’t know how best to describe it and I don’t post pictures of myself on here so not like I can show you…lemme try to explain…

You know when you lay down on your back and lift your head to look down the length of your body to see how flat and bony it looks?

Well, when I got home today I stripped out of my clothes in order to put on some cozy sweats but I lay down on the bed first. As I was laying on the bed in only my underwear I started feeling my ribs and hips with my hands.

No, I wasn’t feeling myself up or anything, I just like to test out my bones, see if they are getting more prominent. I don’t really see myself as I am most of the time so I find I can get a better idea of how much I am losing (or heaven forbid, gaining!) if I feel without looking.

Anyways!

My hip bone felt bonier, I was laying on my side though so it doesn’t really count. So I rolled over onto my back and was feeling my hips and thought “yup, they do feel more pronounced” so I decided to chance it and I looked down the length of my body to take a look at my hips.

Normally when I do this all I see if fat so I don’t like doing this.

Today though I noticed my rib cage is sticking out farther than my breasts (don’t take that as being too impressive, my bra was off and my boobs were flattened from gravity, stupid gravity, sigh) but the big thing, the exciting thing, the thing I am proud of is that there was a gap between my skin and my panties because my panties were held aloft from my body by my hips.

I had a panty gap!

Which I don’t know if that is what it is actually called but who the fuck cares? I have one!

Aaaaaand since my explanation makes nooooo sense I’m gonna try to find a pic…

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Ok so see in the picture above how the waistband isn’t touching the torso cuz the hipbones stick out? That is what mine are doing now!

Only I don’t look as good as in this picture cuz this girl is way skinnier than me. But hey, I’m getting there! *crosses fingers*

I’ve been getting better with keeping my calories low and my binges less frequent. I think I sorta inadvertently reset when my friend died. I was so upset that I lost my appetite completely and when it started to come back I was better able to be ruthless about not giving in to it.

I’m going to have to be extra strict for the next week or so as I hurt my knee and can’t run until it is a bit more stable. I’m going to try the bike at the gym tomorrow, see if I can manage that ok, if so then I guess that’ll be my cardio for a while, which sucks balls cause I get a way better workout from running (even though I hate running with a passion) but it is either take it easy for a week and then be ok or push myself and hurt my knee even more which then prevents me from working out at all, for months. It has happened. It is horrible. I really can’t go through that again.

I think I’ll be able to maintain the strictness though, now that I have that panty gap, it’ll be great motivation. After all, I just got it, I don’t want to lose it!

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Decisions Decisions

I’ve hit a plateau and I’m pissed about it. According to weight watchers, if I follow their rules, I will lose weight. Maybe I won’t lose it as fast as I would like but I will lose it.

It hasn’t been a total fail, I have lost 11.8lbs in a so-called healthy way, which is a novelty lol normally I lose weight by starving myself, so seeing the number on the scale get smaller while eating every day has been odd.

I’ve been struggling with the whole eating every day thing, and the amount of food they want me to eat every day, but I’ve been trying my best to keep to their rules.

Well! I think their plan is flawed. I’ve been following the rules and for three weeks now I have stayed the same weight. The exact same weight! Who does that??

It is pissing me off. Grr!

I have decided to cut back on the amount of food I eat in a day and see if that helps. In the world of weight watchers food is converted to smart points and you get so many smart points a day. I get 30 smart points a day and am supposed to eat them all every single day. Ugh.

I’ll start small, I’m going to eat 25 smart points worth of food per day, well ok, today I ate 24, but its close, just one less than the plan. I was going to go down to 20 but maybe dropping by 10 (that is 1/3 of my allotted food per day) is too big of a drop. I want to shock my body out of this plateau but not freak it out ya know?

I feel so much better now that I have made this decision. I feel calmer, more in control, more like I am taking strides to achieve my goal. Its nice to feel like I am making the choices again vs blindly following someone else’s rules.

It makes sense if you think about it, I need to lose weight, I shouldn’t be eating so much if I want to lose weight and cutting back on how much I eat each day should help me reach my goal faster. It’ll still be a healthy weight loss, I’m not cutting down to super low quantities of food like I’ve done in the past so its not like I’m starving myself. I’m just being more proactive in my efforts. πŸ™‚

I feel so much better now that I’ve made this decision. πŸ˜€

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From One To The Other

Anybody who has been following this blog for any length of time knows I go from binge eating to restricting and eventually back again with occasional bouts of normal eating here and there. Cause ya know, gotta keep things interesting πŸ˜‰

Yesterday allllll I wanted to do was binge. I contemplated writing a post on here but I knew all it would say, over and over again, was: “I want to binge” and really, what is the point of that?

I had a baby binge, and I am mad at myself for it, but I am trying to accept that I did it and move on. Easier said than done but hey, I said I was trying, not succeeding. πŸ˜›

Today is the opposite. I had lunch plans with a friend, then we were hitting up a movie, then I was supposed to make dinner and go to practice.

I met with the friend as planned and I ate part of the meal I ordered. It was a grilled veggie sandwich and came with a side salad. I ate most of the sandwich – thank goodness for lunch sized items on menus and had a nibble of the salad.

Because it is a restaurant meal and I can’t properly track the nutritional information (it is also one of those backwards places that doesn’t provide you with that info either in the restaurant or on their website, sigh) that automatically means I won’t eat the rest of the day.

Those are my rules.

However, I had practice in the evening and if I don’t eat something closer to practice time than that lunch was I won’t make it through. Arg. So annoying.

So when I got home I measured and weighed out a light dinner, convincing myself it was ok because I was about to burn it off so it hardly counts.

I don’t really believe that justification but I ate the food and then pushed super hard at practice and haven’t eaten since.

Roughly, taking in to account I could be waaaaay off with my restaurant calculations, I’ve eaten about 800 calories today.

I’m not really sure how I feel about that. Normally when I am restricting I limit myself to 780 calories or less in a day but that restaurant bread really screwed me over. 😦

I know I will restrict for at least a couple more days to compensate for what I ate yesterday, not sure if after that I will end up fighting the urge to binge or if I will level off and eat more normally for a bit or what, I never know how a day is going to go until I am living it.

Earlier in the day I was sad, for no reason I could figure, just…sad. I had sad memes all ready for the post cause they were so perfect for how I was feeling but right now I am doing ok. Restricting usually helps my mood…except for when it makes me super bitchy and I want to kill people πŸ˜‰ I guess because I feel more in control when restricting, more like I am working towards my goal, being pro-active in getting what I want. That is my current theory anyways…no real proof to back it up…

happy

Happy thinspo pic to go with my mood.

On a side note, I have lost 6.2lbs which is the equivalent to 3 racks of baby back ribs. If you’ve been losing weight and want to see what it is equivalent to go to http://www.ilostwhat.com and give it a go. It can be kinda funny to see what it says.

Back To Restricting

I don’t know about you but I work well with a deadline. If the deadline is far away then it might as well not exist, it has no impact on me, but if it is close and looming over me I am awesome at doing whatever needs to be done.

My newest deadline, well, newest big deadline, is Dec 21 when I go back home for Christmas. I live a province away from all my family so I spend most of the year away from their prying eyes. You’d think this would be great but the stress of going back home usually has me binge eating in the weeks leading up to a visit so I feel like every time I go back I am huge and being judged on my weight. I hate it.

This time however I seem to be doing the opposite. I have been doing a really good job of restricting my calories aaaaaand I have bumped up my exercising so yay!

I think part of what is keeping me from binge eating is that I have a Christmas party coming up on Friday so no way do I want to binge before that, plus, I was super sick not yesterday Monday but the Monday prior and it took a while to get any sort of appetite back. The lack of appetite from being sick is what led me in to my newest bought of restricting. When I was recovering everything tasted weird and nothing settled in my stomach very well so I ate very little and I’ve managed to maintain that. πŸ˜€

I am reeeeeally hoping that after the party I will maintain my restrictive eating with as much ease as I have been able to this past week. I think it will be a bit of a struggle because of the stress of going back home but if I keep myself busy enough maybe I’ll be able to ignore that, or at least control it. πŸ™‚

Camera 360

something about this picture captivates me…

YouTube Food Videos

I watch a ridiculous amount of YouTube videos that are focused on food. Food prepping. Cooking. Meal plans. Binge eating sessions. Ana videos. Food documentaries. Name it, if it has something to do with food, I’ve probably watched it or a version of it.

When I watch the videos of people showing how they food prep so they have healthy meals ready for the upcoming week I always think “I can do that!” Buuuut the reality is I can’t. I don’t mean I physically can’t, and I’m sure I can find time in the week to set up a meal prep session, but I can’t commit to eating that much food, every day, for an entire week.

Who does that??

A lot of people apparently…

So I watch these videos, feel inspired, think I will try, and then do nothing.

Last night I was watching a “What I Eat In A Day” video (I love those!) and the girl made a smoothie I want to try. All it contained was frozen banana and milk.

I like foods that aren’t a combination of a lot of things, easier to track calories that way. And hey, two ingredients? Perfect!

Now she cut up two bananas the night before and put them in the freezer. The next day she put the two frozen, sliced, bananas in the blender and put “two splashes” of milk in there. She has been making this smoothie for so long she eyeballs the milk amount, I think she said it was 250 ml (1 Cup) of milk, I’ll have to double check that. After blending it is a thick, creamy, cold, smoothie and she swears it is delish. It sure looked delish.

I decided last night I wanted to try that smoothie. If it keeps me filled for a long time than it could be worth the calories, and I wouldn’t mind adding something new to my safe foods, something that is tasty, and easy to make. Plus, people see or hear that you are having a smoothie they automatically think it is healthy and that you are eating healthy so it will help throw people off the fact that I don’t eat all that much most days.

Of course I didn’t have bananas cause that would involve having fresh food in my place and I don’t have a lot of that because I don’t eat it and it goes bad and I can’t afford to spend money on food I don’t eat, shrug. When I was out today I bought bananas and this evening I sliced one, put it in a container and it is now in my freezer, awaiting tomorrow. I couldn’t bring myself to cut up two bananas cause eating (or in this case drinking) two bananas plus milk would be too many calories in one sitting but I think I can manage one banana and half the amount of milk used in the video, maybe…

I’m half excited and half dreading trying the smoothie tomorrow. I’m excited because I’ve been seeing a lot of videos using bananas to make smoothies and banana frozen yoghurt and all kinds of things and I want to try! But I’m also nervous and if I’m being honest a little scared to try it, what if I don’t like it and I’ve wasted those calories? What if I do like it but it doesn’t fill me up for long so I can’t have it again? And there is also just a general fear, fear of food, of new food, of expanding my safe foods because what if it is the beginning of a trend? What if I justify this becoming a safe food and then the day after I make something else a safe food because well, I made this smoothie a safe food so why not loosen the reigns and make something else safe to eat? This could be the beginning of a slipper slope!

I am trying to keep those fears in check, I am trying to not let them take over, to take this opportunity to try a new food away from me. I am trying to stay optimistic, to think that this could turn out to be tasty, and filling, and a new way to eat without feeling like I am eating because I am actually drinking and it could help stop me from eating something higher in calories.

It is hard, it is easier to believe the fear, but I’m trying to not let the fear win, if for no other reason than to not waste the money I spent on the bananas.

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Without Even Counting

I’ve been slacking with my calorie counting lately. I’m not entirely sure why, usually I enjoy putting in to my Fitbit App everything I eat and seeing how many calories I eat in a day. Also, tracking makes sure I don’t accidentally eat too much. But yeah, the past week has had spotty tracking. Well, in the app at least, I still keep a running count in my head throughout the day, doesn’t everybody?

I know some of the days I didn’t track I went over my calories, I am not sure by exactly how much, but I definitely went over, sigh. I think that might be part of the reason I didn’t track, because I ate something horribly bad for me and was too embarrassed to put it in to my app. I couldn’t bare the thought of having to see the number of calories I ate in the day be over 750 so instead I didn’t track anything and the day just looks like a gaping hole of information when I look at my stats. I didn’t eat horrible on all of the days though, some of them I did exceptionally well on! Like last Wednesday where all I ate for over 24 hours was two pieces of toast. I was so proud of myself that day. πŸ™‚ Β And this past Sunday started off great, I didn’t eat anything until almost 6pm and when I did eat it was oatmeal…I screwed up later that day by eating a piece of Rhubarb & Raspberry pie though, sadness. 😦

But yeah so, it has been up and down food wise for me this past week.

Today I didn’t track my food until towards the end of the day and then I plugged in everything in one sitting. I was so scared I was going to be at a ridiculously high amount of calories and the day was not even over yet but I didn’t do so badly.

Today I ate 707 calories.

Without even counting I stayed within my acceptable calorie range for the day! Go me go! πŸ˜€

It makes me wonder, minus the day I ate the piece of pie, and the day I ate pizza (don’t judge!), maybe I didn’t eat as many calories as I feel I ate. When I was putting my food in to the app this evening I sat there for a good ten minutes after I had everything inputted going over and over my day wondering what food I missed because for sure I ate more than what I put in the tracker, I mean I must have, no way I stayed in my calorie range without even trying, right?

But here it is, hours later, I’ve gone over my day step-by-step and I know I haven’t missed any food so I really did eat 707 calories.

I managed to not over eat, to not screw up, without even tracking! I feel so happy about this! I don’t know if it is because I just instinctively know when to stop eating so I don’t over eat, or if I had a running tally in my head that I wasn’t aware of, or if it is because the foods I ate today were all safe foods so as long as I don’t binge I stand a good chance of not screwing up my calories for the day, or maybe it is a combination of all three. I’m not sure, and while I do kind of care I also kind of don’t care, I am just happy.

It gives me hope that I can continue with my restrictive eating and not screw up because if I can manage to not screw up on a day I didn’t track than maybe I can keep with the not screwing up on a regular basis. πŸ™‚

side view

A Good Day

So all my talk about how I am getting back on the wagon asap and being firm with my restricting went right out the window after a horrible horrible day yesterday. sigh. I binged and binged hard! The only saving grace was I also hit up the gym in an attempt to counter act some of the food I put in to my body.

Something annoying? I binged. I waited a bit. I exercised. I felt hungry after exercising. WTF body! You still had god knows how much food in you from the binge and you feel hungry?? Disgusting! Arg!

My hunger lately, when it hits, it’s crazy. It’s more like hangry, ya know, so hungry you become super mad and completely focused on getting food above anything else. When my hunger hits there is no controlling it, there is no “find the strength in the hunger” there is only “eat, eat now or you might die!” which I know is super dramatic but I swear that is what it feels like.

I don’t like it.

It is such a panicked, overwhelming hunger that instead of making smart food choices I am more prone to eating something I shouldn’t, something I don’t necessarily want, because it is there and I feel like I honestly can’t wait another minute before I get food.

I have to get better control over this!

But on to the good day that was promised in the title of this post! lol

Today was a greeeeeat day!

I worked today and the forced structure of having to go to work helped me keep my calories low. Who knew I’d be happy to go to work? lol

After I finish this post I will be going to bed and I am sitting at 699 calories for the day. I love when my daily calories start with a 6! It makes me feel so good about how I did for the day lol πŸ™‚ Normally I am in the 700 range and I know realistically I am sooooo close to 700 I can’t really be all proud of being in the 600 range, mostly I am just happy that I didn’t binge and I didn’t go over the 700 calorie range cause lately, yeah, I have been. *hangs head in shame*

The last time I got solid with my restricting I did it on my days off, I was super strict about what I ate, when, how much, and by the time I had a day where I worked (I had three days off) I was well in to the routine of small portions, eaten far apart, and had gotten good at managing the hunger when I felt it. Lately though my days off feel more like a free-for-all. I have friends over, or I have social activities I have to attend and both involve food. I’ve been dealing with work lunch meetings, and weddings and all sorts of things and while I am generally ok at managing my calories when in my routine I have trouble when not in my routine. How do I get through a wedding dinner with out eating and not having anybody at the table notice? I dunno. How do I go to a work lunch that is catered, sit with all my work mates, and not eat when everyone is passing food and piling even more on your plate than what you took? I dunno. How do you somehow manage to not eat any of the pizza you had to order because your friend was coming over and you owed her dinner and she chose pizza? I dunno.

It is these things, these unpredictable circumstances, that I don’t know how to navigate well.

Do you?

Today gives me hope! Today I was able to keep my calories low, my activity fairly high, and there was no binge eating. Not only that but there were several opportunities for eating all kinds of food and instead of feeling tempted by the food I just feel “meh”. Like, I know I can’t eat it, so I don’t even bother thinking about eating it. It is like it is dead to me lol That happened when I was grocery shopping after work too! There were pumpkin spice oreos on display right when I walked in the store, and they were on sale, then there was Kraft peanut butter in a collectible package with a teddy bear, then there was all the halloween candy, like omg no wonder our society is so fat! *rolls eyes* but while I took a peek at the pumpkin spice oreos (mostly because I couldn’t tell what they were and was curious) the rest of the items I just breezed on past, not a problem, not a twinge, not a bit of temptation, not a wishful thought.

It was great. πŸ™‚

That, along with my low calorie day makes me feel like I am finally getting back on track. I can limit my food intake but if I am constantly seeing the food that is out there, constantly wanting the foods I can’t have, constantly imagining eating those foods, then I will binge. I know I will. No matter how strong I try to be, I know I will binge. But when I don’t really see the food, when I can walk by it like I don’t need it, or want it, or even acknowledge it, then I know I will be ok.

I got my strength back! I got my willpower back! I got my ability to stick to my calorie limit back!

And that means this was a good day and there will be more to come! πŸ™‚

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