I tend to live in the moment when it comes to food, well, when it comes to everything really. A day can be a success or an utter failure based on one food decision.
Because I have trouble looking past the moment if I eat a cookie, or pizza or have a binge of any kind then I am all kinds of worthless, disgusting, fat, horrible things. I can’t stand being in my own skin. I hate myself.
I’m trying to change my perspective, make myself see things as part of a bigger picture, not isolated incidents.
In an effort to accomplish this I created a short term goal, to lose one pant size by Dec 22 of this year. I can’t do it by just plain ol not eating, I have to try to be sane about my approach. I chose an app that tracks food and exercise, set it up and have been using it diligently. You tell the app how much you weigh, your height etc,, how much you want to weigh and how quickly you want to lose the weight. It then calculates how many calories you get to eat in a day.
It has me eating a lot of calories, in my opinion, but I know compared to other people I am not eating nearly as much, I cling to that thought when I feel I am eating too much.
I put in to the food log every single thing I eat, I am weighing and measuring every little bit of food, and so far I have followed it fairly well. I had one day where I had to binge, I had to! But then for three days after that I restricted so much that it showed for each of those days I was under my calories for the day by 300 or more. I figure it balances out in the end.
Surprisingly I feel a bit better about myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am still fat and am still disgusted with myself but because I can look at my tracker and see all the days I was under my daily calories and see how I’m not eating nearly as badly as I think I am, it is helping me to not binge.
I am not weighing myself while I do this, mostly cause my scale broke, and I was going to take my measurements at the beginning and again at the end but I didn’t…I didn’t even take a before and after picture! The only way I will know if it worked is by the jeans that I currently have hanging on my wall as a daily reminder of what my goal is. If I can fit in to them Dec 22 then I will have succeeded, if I don’t fit in them then I failed and this tracking experiment will be over.
I kinda hope it works. Even though it is a lot of work, and I am eating more on a daily basis then I am used to, if I can keep it up then maybe I can lose more then just the pant size? Maybe, as I go down in weight, if I keep lowering the amount of calories I am allowed daily I’ll keep getting smaller? I dunno, but it’d be worth a try…
Seeing my food choices as one small part of a larger picture is helping me to not freak out as much when I eat. If I have a cookie, and it fits in my daily calories, I am not as disgusted with myself as I would have been if I had eaten a cookie before I started this. I think because I can see it isn’t screwing up my plan to fit in the pants, and I am controlling my calories so strictly, and I am tracking that cookie in my app, I can see that the cookie isn’t the end of the world and I can diminish the damage from it super fast.
Plus I am exercising a lot and that always helps…
I’m so envious of this girls thigh gap, sigh
My Dark Side 