You Know When…

You know when you’ve eaten so little during the day that scarfing down two cookies at work doesn’t even put you close to being at your max calories or weight watcher points for the day?

Yeah…that was me today. I didn’t purposefully try to restrict, I just seem to naturally eat less than others. Which works out ok for me when I end up eating something stupid like cookies lol

I had thought I ate a lot but was so busy at work today I didn’t have time to actually track my food, I had just been keeping mental track, knowing I’d get it all in the apps later. Well, later came when I got home, so I sat down and got to work inputting all my food for the day.

At home I had:

1/2 C oatmeal, topped with 2T PB2 and 1T brown sugar

2 pieces of brown toast (bread is a weakness of mine, don’t judge!)

Then at work I had:

Salad, topped with 6 prawns, some fruit, some roasted veggies, 1/4C cottage cheese, and 1t sliced almonds.

2 shortbread cookies

The salad was made for me by the chef so I didn’t have any say what was on it. If I had made it there would not have been any almonds, or cottage cheese, and probably less of the fruit and veg, really, just less of everything. But he made it and I wasn’t going to pick it apart in front of him so I ended up eating it. It was huuuuuge, but so tasty, and because it was so big it was super filling, which I guess is why I felt like I had eaten so much food today.

So going with calories, because that number will mean more to people than my weight watcher tracking info, I ate 770 calories today.

Not so shabby.

But again, I wasn’t trying to eat in that range, it just sorta ended up being what I ate, and truthfully, that is roughly how I eat every day. Now sure, some days are different, I might have an egg and two slices of turkey bacon instead of the oatmeal, but it all kinda averages out.

Wait! I lied! I forgot I had 1C corn flakes and 1/2C 1% milk as a snack.

So see, not as bad as it seemed, I ate 872 calories today. Which actually I don’t like because it is too close to 900 and when I eat 900 or more I freak out and get a tad stressed. *rolls eyes* So annoying!

I guess I’m not really going anywhere with this, I’m just using writing to realize that I naturally tend to eat low calorie most days and I really need to track to know for sure how much I’ve eaten because if asked I would have said I over ate today, when the numbers show I haven’t.

Oh the things to ponder…but not now, now I am going to bed!

There are other things to think about??

My Brain Just Won’t Stop!

So about a month or so ago a friend mentioned to me that she thought my ex was getting married. She said she wasn’t sure but she’d asked him how he was doing and his answer was something along the lines of “…busy with the wedding…”

I pretty much blank on the rest of the convo at that point.

Married?

Already? We haven’t even been broken up a year! And he’s already getting married??

I was so horrible of a person to be with he couldn’t even handle the label of boyfriend and girlfriend and now he’s fucking getting married?!?!

I am having trouble coping with this…

On the outside I’m fine, better than fine, I’ve won two medals in my sport recently, done some travelling, been hiking, been social with friends, all kinds of things! But it is all fake.

If I stop, if I let it be quiet, if I let my guard down so my inner thoughts have a chance to be heard then I am in chaos and I don’t know what to do. My brain becomes a swirling mass of confusion that all focuses on “he’s getting married? But…I thought we were in love…how is he over me so quickly? And not just gf over me but getting married over me? If he’s engaged or married then for sure any fantasy I have of him and I together is fully and absolutely squashed”

How is it he doesn’t care one little bit about me but I still think about him, and miss him, all the time? I compare other guys to him and they always miss the mark. I think about what he and I were doing together this time last year. I think about the future that was being planned but will now never be. I miss telling him about my day, asking him about his, spending time with him…I just miss him.

And he is getting married.

I keep thinking maybe the info is wrong, his sister had been seeing someone for quite a while, maybe he meant her wedding? It’s possible…right? I know! Pathetic that I look for that loophole, look for a way what he said might not be about him but I can’t seem to help it.

It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic.

I realized today that my resurgence into the world of eating problems was brought on by him. He would force me to eat more then what I wanted then warn me I’d better not get fat because then he’d leave me. He always made me feel I wasn’t active enough and my way of coping with not being active enough was to massively food restrict. I’d eventually be so hungry I’d purge, then feel so badly I’d over exercise while restricting and the cycle would just keep going.

I’ve been trying different things to try to get my food stuff under control, none of it has worked so far…I think I kept figuring if I could just get my food stuff sorted out and get skinnier he’d somehow see me and want me back…but since food terrifies me I can’t just eat it the way I see other people eating which means I’ll never get it sorted and get skinny and be pretty enough he’ll want me. I lost the fight to get him back before he even met that other woman just by being my own fucked up self.

I’m mildly toying with going to an OverEaters Anonymous meeting…maybe they can help me get some control on myself since I’ve obviously lost what control I used to have…has anybody been to those? Do they help?

I just don’t know how to get him out of my head and the only way I’ve been able to cope in even a tiny bit is to become even stricter with my food rules but the restrictions aren’t making me feel better and they usually always make me feel better. My tried and true method of coping isn’t working…I don’t know what to do…

Note: I’m on my iPad and can’t figure out how to add an image so no pic for this post till I can get to a computer and add one, sorry!