Tag Archives: voices in my head

Emotional Eating

For the longest time I didn’t think I engaged in emotional eating. Eventually I came to terms with the knowledge that when I am depressed, sad, going through something shitty, basically down, I emotionally eat. That is when I am most likely to binge. When I am most likely to rely on food to (1) help me not feel anything at all and (2) deal with the emotions that manage to bubble up from where all the food I ate pushed them.

Well…this past week I got great news, amazing news, news that made me so incredibly happy, and about half a second after I got the news my brain was screaming at me “STOP EATING!!!!”

I was immediately bombarded with an absolute fear of all food and the certain knowledge I had to uber restrict starting right away.

Part of me fully, 100% agreed, with this. I know I have to restrict asap. I have to look my absolute best in 2 weeks time and I can’t do that looking how I look now can I? No of course I can’t, I am fat, and weak, and disgusting, and I have to work! work! work! to make myself even a little bit better as soon as I can so I look my best for this upcoming event.

A teeny tiny part of my brain took a step back and muttered, “girl, you’re tripping”. You got invited to this event by people who know what you look like, they chose you because you fit the criteria they have for this event, they don’t want you to drastically change in this two week time span. Just keep on doing what you’ve been doing and you’ll be fine. Don’t restrict. Don’t cut yourself down to 400-700 calories a day. Don’t. Do. It.

For the rest of the day I fought the urge to restrict. I ate my meal plan, which is still technically under eating but whatever, it is more than 700 calories which is what I was eating prior to my trying to get better so for now it’ll hafta do.

By the end of the day I was filled with so much despair and desperation because I hadn’t started restricting I wanted to binge. I was so convinced I was ruining my chances, destroying this opportunity, by not restricting, I wanted to go in the opposite direction and eat allllllll the food.

I managed to not binge.

I also managed to somehow realize that these emotional swings I was having were leading me to want to either restrict or binge…or was it the wanting to restrict and binge that was leading to me having all these emotions? It’s all a circle to me, hard to figure out where any of it starts.

The next day I started off ok, on track food wise, then I had an unplanned meal in a restaurant for lunch where I had to make a super fast food decision and I thought I picked well but when I pulled up the nutritional information later I learned I made a big mistake. My only saving grace was I didn’t eat the entire meal and I worked out to help burn it off.

It wasn’t a binge, since it was a portion some other person would have eaten, and I didn’t follow it up with a bunch of other food, but it gave me a similar emotional response as a binge because it was a bigger portion of food than what I usually eat.

It pushed down all the emotions I was feeling for a while, then guilt surged in to take the place of all those emotions, then the emotions swirled back, so now I was feeling guilty, and unworthy, and disgusting, and blah blah blah.

I gotta say, that meal didn’t really help me in the end.

So here I am, days later, still fighting the simultaneous urges to restrict and binge. Part of me knows that engaging in either of those behaviours will not help me in two weeks time when I will be at this event, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to engage in them…like an alcoholic wanting a drink to smooth the edges, I want the soothing effect of my drug, my food, or my feeling strong by resisting all food. But I can’t. I can’t engage in either behaviour right now because it could endanger my ability to be at my best in two weeks.

This is so messed up, I hate it.

my head

tired

The Battle In My Brain

I have this voice in my head that never shuts up. It’s not an entertaining voice that is providing commentary on the world around me, well, ok, I do have a voice that does that but I like that one so it is ok lol. No, the voice I am referring to is always yapping on about food and exercise and fat and clothing size and constantly reminding me of how I have let myself down or failed or just plain suck.

voices in head

I hate that voice, and yet…I’m used to it. Which, when I stop to ponder that I get a bit horrified about how I have become used to, and don’t find anything wrong with having such a negative presence in my life. How the hell did that happen? If another person said any of the things to me that voice does I’d not tolerate it, so why is it ok for me to treat myself so harshly?

Well, we are all our own worst critic right?

I’d like to say I’m working on getting rid of that voice, silencing it, buuuuuut I’m not. I only really started actively thinking about that voice right now, as in literally when I opened WordPress and started typing. I had a different opening I was going to use for this post but somehow these words are what my fingers are typing, shrug, I never plan my posts anyways so why not go with the flow and air this little secret? lol

I realized I was used to my negative nellie when I, for whatever reason, was thinking about one of my friends. She is awesome and I am so glad we’re friends! 🙂 She has never once made a comment about my weight, what I look like, what I eat…she’s never judged me based on my outer appearance. I think the closest she’s gotten to commenting on what I look like is if she is bugging me about how easily I sunburn which is such a common place thing done by everybody I ever meet that I don’t care lol. I am a pale redhead, comments about juuuuuust how quickly I turn bright red are fairly common place any day the sun is out 😛 lol

She has no hang ups about food, I mean seriously, none. She cooks a lot of her own meals but doesn’t make dishes based on excluding carbs, or balancing her protein and veg, or timing when she eats down to the minute, or any other wacky things you can think of. She just cooks…what she likes…usually in a large enough portion to have some for dinner and some for lunch the next day at work. If she is in a restaurant she chooses what she thinks looks good, she doesn’t try to calculate how many calories each dish has and quickly figure out what kinds of alterations to request of the server to cut down on those calories, she just enjoys her food. I asked her one time and she really just doesn’t think about it. She said she figures in general she most likely eats fairly healthy and that is that.

Uh, I’m sorry, what? How can I get a mentality like that?? eesh.

I don’t know exactly when my obsessiveness over food started but man has it blossomed in to a thing of it’s own. A big ol mean thing with thorns!

I decided to try things her way, eat “generally healthy”, be active, and let my body figure it out. The no stress approach.

Turns out I can’t do the no stress approach, I am incapable lol Partly because I have that voice in my head telling me how the rice I just ate is going to not metabolize quickly at all and is going straight to my thighs and also because I don’t know how to tell something healthy from something unhealthy anymore. It’s like my food judgement meter is all out of whack and needs to be reset but not like I can reboot my brain, sigh.

Some people recommend eating multi-grain bread products to increase your fibre intake. I hear that and think “yay! I haven’t been eating bread in any kind of consistent way for ages and now I can!” but I eat some bread and I immediately think how I have cheated, or failed, or screwed up eating healthy because bread is carbs and carbs are bad ergo my eating bread is bad. I have tried so many different eating plans, Paleo, Super Strict Paleo, the Insanity meal plan and more, I have so many different food rules floating in my head, some of them contradicting each other, making it really confusing to know which to follow, and when I break one (which happens daily cause there are soooo many!) that negative nellie pounces and reams me out.

I don’t really know where I am going with this post, I don’t have any super awesome conclusion to make, or some wonderful story about how I have magically over come my food confusion/issues and now have no voice in my head getting on my case. I can tell you I am going to try to figure out how to silence that voice, because I don’t think it can possibly be healthy for me mentally to be constantly putting myself down like that. I’m not exactly sure how I will shut it up since I can’t walk away from my own brain nor am I willing to punch myself for being so mean to myself lol The only approach I can think of right now is take a cue from my friend, try not to stress about it as much, don’t use that as an excuse to go crazy in the cookie aisle or anything, but use my broken common sense and make choices that are “generally healthy”. But see, even as I type that I’m thinking my choices have to be healthier then everyone else’s so sure cook a protein and some veg but no carbs are going on that dinner plate! *rolls eyes* I irritate myself lol

thin girl 3