Tag Archives: treatment

My Line

Everyone has a line that when they cross it they go “shit, this isn’t good, I’ve gotta fix this”. Or something to that effect. I crossed my line so accidentally that I didn’t realize I had done it until the damage was done.

And now I feel I have to do something about it. Well, sorta. I felt more strongly about needing to do something about it yesterday, when the pain and injury were worse, today, as it is healing and less painful I’m not quite ambivalent but close to…I imagine tomorrow I’ll be even less inclined to take action…I wonder if eventually my line will move?

Maybe that is how it happens…you cross your line by accident, have a day of “gotta fix this shit”, then the next day comes, you realize the world hasn’t ended and you’re still able to function and are less worried, and over time your line moves, so that next time you get to that same point that caused panic only yesterday you don’t even feel a twinge of worry.

That should be unsettling, but I sorta don’t care…

This probably doesn’t make any sense, lemme explain.

I don’t cut myself, that’s not my thing, but I do burn myself, which when written down like this sounds horrible but it really isn’t. I make sure to not burn so bad I will scar, or impede my ability to function, I don’t burn myself where people will see, it’s not a big deal.

Except apparently it is? At ED recovery it got discovered by my case worker and my dietitian and they didn’t take it well. Not that they freaked out or anything, but it became this thing that required more meetings and talking, and it is what ended me up having to go see the shrink. They take it way more seriously than I do.

A couple months ago I burnt my arm more than intended, second degree, and ended up with a small scar. It is annoying and I don’t like it. I have extensive first aid training so I am able to competently tend to my own burns, but even with tending, I got that stupid scar.

I told myself I wouldn’t do that again. I wouldn’t second degree burn myself again, I’d not take the risk of another scar.

Notice I don’t actually care about being injured or what it is doing to my body, it is pure vanity driving this decision. That and if my case worker notices I am bandaged up again it might open up more intense discussions etc and ugh, no thanks!

Well, two nights ago I accidentally second degree burned my arm, different spot, but still…not good. I didn’t mean to, I swear! And I didn’t realize how bad it was until Friday morning when I was at work, I scratched my arm and hit this massive blister that is surrounded by smaller blisters and a hella lot of red skin.

sigh.

So I tended to it.

Today when I took the bandage off to wash the wound I discovered that the freakin massive blister that was hard only yesterday has burst (I probably bumped it and didn’t realize) so my chance of a new scar is pretty high. Oh, and infection, the chance of infection has increased also.

Yesterday, after discovering it, I was upset. Upset with myself for doing this. Even though it was by accident I was still upset. I don’t want another scar. The blisters are in a spot that make it easy to bump and cause more pain. I’m going to have to wear long sleeves for at least a week to keep the bandage hidden. Basically, I am upset because this injury will affect my day-to-day life for 3-14 days (depending on speed of healing). It is one thing to burn myself when the damage is minimal and I am not affected the next day but this, this is affecting me and I am annoyed by it.

The whole being upset thing caused me to seriously think about my whole burning myself deal and I was motivated to want to make changes to stop the burning. I didn’t know what to do and I just kept thinking I should talk to my case worker, tell her what I did, tell her I want to change, ask her for help. I don’t want to go on meds but maybe there is something else that can be done.

Today, with the blisters healing, the pain less noticeable, my being over 24 hours from the time of injury, I care less about stopping myself from doing this again. I am more inclined to think that since this was an accident it doesn’t really count and what is the big deal, don’t blow things out of proportion, stuff like that…which may be my brain trying to rationalize irrational behaviour so as to stop me from recovering (and if that doesn’t sound like a sentence made by someone who is in treatment I don’t know what does! lol)

But yeah, I crossed my line by accident, and now I’m wondering if my line will end up moving as a result…something to ponder as I go re-bandage my arm. *rolls eyes*

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Trust Issues

I don’t trust people.

This isn’t a reflection of you, or of any specific person, it is just a fact. I know that people suck. They will let you down. They will not be there when you need them. They will hurt you. They will ultimately do what is best for them no matter who it might hurt.

That’s fine. I know all this, I’m not some naive idiot who thinks the world is a good place and so are the people who inhabit it. I would rather be strong, and ready, and have the knowledge that people can’t be trusted, then be shocked when something happens and I am confronted with this information abruptly.

Thing is, because I don’t trust people, I generally expect the worse from them. Maybe not right away, lots of people are good at hiding just how ruthless and uncaring they are, but eventually something happens and you see through the cracks.

My case manager, I think that is what her title is, confuses me. She is soft-spoken, she makes eye contact, she has open body language and gestures with her hands when she talks (not in a violent way or a trying to create distraction way, in a friendly open kind of way). She doesn’t get mad when I swear, or don’t do a good job, she has…I guess it would be compassion…for like, everybody…or so it seems.

I don’t get it.

I keep waiting for her to yell at me. Or tell me to do a better job already. I keep waiting for her to push me harder than what I am able to deal with, to try and break me.

Instead of forcing me to do something, she suggests, she talks about something then asks if I would be open to whatever it is she was talking about. No demanding I do something. No “if you don’t do this then I’m kicking you out of the program”. Just a question about if I would be open to trying what she talked about.

I really don’t get that.

I met with her two weeks ago, I had filled out one of our weekly forms where we answers questions about how we’ve been doing that week. It is kind of a snapshot so they know how strongly we are engaging in our eating disorder behaviours. I wrote that I had self-harmed. Didn’t really think about lying on the form since I figured they probably weren’t read by anybody but she called me to ask about what I had done, how I was doing, did I want to come in and chat. I didn’t really want to go in and chat, what was there to say after all? I gave myself second degree burns on my arm because I didn’t know how else to deal with a situation. Does that sentence really require a face-to-face conversation? I don’t think it does…Somehow though I ended up agreeing to go in and see her.

We chatted. She asked if I would be open to meeting with the shrink they have on staff, he could talk to me about medications that might help, stuff like that. I said no. I told her the truth, which was I was uncomfortable with being in a room alone with a guy. Well, I don’t think I worded it quite like that, but that is the gist. I can deal being in close quarters with a guy at work, or in a public space, where there are lots of escape routes and they aren’t really all that focused on me and only me. But in a room with a closed door and no one else to keep them occupied? No thank you! She said she would be there for the first meeting, and after that if I wanted she would come to other sessions.

See what I mean? She could have just told me to suck it up and go see him, but instead she offered to be there not just for the first session which she would be there for anyways but follow-up sessions also. Compassion. That woman has it in spades.

I also told her I don’t do medications. They aren’t my thing.

So she let it drop, just suggested I keep it in mind as something to consider for the future. I lied and said I would.

Then this past week we had a meeting, the 8 week group I had been in ended and there are post-group meetings to discuss things, see which group I am being put in next, stuff like that. Again with the paperwork. Again with me not lying about stuff I did. I really need to just lie on these stupid forms already, sigh. I told her I wasn’t sure if some of the stuff I did was technically considered self-harming because it wasn’t cutting or burning myself. She didn’t actually say, but I think the decision was that the things I had done are self-harming.

She again brought up seeing the shrink. Before I could say no she said he is booking all the way into August so not like the appointment would be right away. She also said he could give me lots of information about the different medications, I can research and make my own choice, I am under no obligation to take any pills, but it might be a good idea to talk to him.

She wasn’t mad, or pushy, but her face had an expression that I don’t have a word for…like…ugh, I just don’t know. But when she made that expression when suggesting I see the shrink I felt like if I didn’t say yes she’d be disappointed or something and apparently I don’t want to disappoint her since I said yes to a meeting with him.

What the fuck.

So now I have an appointment the beginning of August to see the shrink and talk meds. I guess the meds are to somehow help me not self-harm. I don’t really understand how that works, but it scares me. The idea of taking something and it being able to affect my decision to self-harm or not, what the fuck is it doing to my brain that some pill can affect a decision like that? I worry they change who you are, make you less you somehow. I dunno, I probably sound crazy. I just don’t like the idea of popping a pill, having it mess with your head, and everyone being ok with this happening.

I may back out of the appointment, I still have lots of time to decide. Maybe if I manage to not self-harm between now and then she won’t even get that expression on her face if I cancel…it’s a thought…

dreaming

Healthy Fats?

Fair warning, I am in a pisser of a mood and this will probably end up being a ranting type of post…

This past week I increased my exercise, I was super on point with my food, I did everything “right” and what happened?

I gained 1.8 freakin pounds!!

I stupidly thought I looked ok in the mirror this morning before I headed to weigh-in. I thought maybe I looked a bit smaller, maybe all that work did something, maybe all those times I said no to all the binge foods counted for something.

It counted for nothing.

It got me nowhere but fatter…the one absolute for sure thing I do not want.

Why do I even try? Why do I force myself to skip a binge that I so badly need, and feel crazy in the process because I have no other way to deal with things but to binge so then I am trapped in my head with racing thoughts that won’t leave me alone when skipping a binge obviously has no effect on my weight loss efforts. In fact! Maybe I would have had a lower weight if I had binged because then I would have been taking my pills to rev metabolism and maybe some laxatives and I would have kicked up the working out even more so I would have burned off or expelled all the food I binged on and then some. But nooooooo, instead I stupidly don’t binge, and I don’t take my pills, and I don’t take any laxatives, and I eat as close to “normal” as I am able and what the fuck happens?

I get FATTER!!!!

I had a one-on-one with my case manager Wednesday and we agreed I would meet with the dietitian and start taking baby steps at increasing the time range I eat in and possibly the foods, either in quantity or variety, I am not sure which…probably both if they have things their way. I thought, at the time of the meeting, that it was scary but ok, a step I should take. But how can I increase my food in quantity and/or variety when the food I am already eating is making me fatter? If I add anything else to what I am eating it’ll probably go right to the fat that is built up over my stomach area and just have me expanding even more and omg even just writing that has me wanting to cry, or punch something.

I prefer the anger because I can use it to drive me in to better behaviour. If I am sad I just want to sit and eat. Or sit and focus on how much I am not eating. If I am mad I want to run, or punch something, I want to use the anger as fuel and burn it and it helps me be more active, even on days when I have no energy and am dizzy.

Anger is a more productive emotion for me.

I had practice tonight, with my sports team, so I did get to burn off some of the anger…believe it or not this is me calmed down…

An additional problem is that my Weight Watchers leader wants to see my food journal next week. It is my fault. I was so upset about having gained weight this week, and the fact that I can’t seem to break through this plateau that I talked to her after the meeting today. I thought she’d give me some advice and she did, but it is lunacy. Complete lunacy!

She says eat more protein and add healthy fats to my meal plan. She says I’m probably not getting enough healthy fats. She wants me to cook my food in oil for fucks sake! Oil! Who does that?? Fat people do that! Something I am obviously destined to be forever if this keeps up.

Is there even such a thing as a “healthy fat”? Fat is bad. Duh. So how can there be a healthy kind? I know I have heard people say avocados are healthy fat but I figure that is just people finding a way to justify eating something so high in calories and fat that they really like. Next thing you know people will be saying mayonnaise is a healthy fat, and bacon, and donuts!

I’m trying to get rid of my excess fat, how can I eat more fat, and add that to my body, when I am trying to get rid of the fat that is stubbornly clinging to me?

I hate this. I absolutely fucking hate this. I should have never entered in to a treatment program. I should have never joined Weight Watchers. I should have stuck with restricting my calories. I am sure I would have gotten off this binge eating kick and gotten good at restricting again if I had just kept at it but nope, not me, I had to go and ask for help when obviously all these people want to do is sabotage me and keep me fat.

Eat “healthy fats” sure, *rolls eyes* I’ll get riiiiight on that…said no one ever.

ribs 2

noomi

I want a bad ass attitude like hers, sigh. 

See her cheekbones? I had, very briefly, cheekbones. Now they are hidden under an extra 1.8 pounds that I apparently just couldn’t keep off my body.

An Email I Can’t Send

I’ve been going to these Monday night drop-in support meetings for a couple months now. They are a mandatory thing while I wait for my actual ED program to start. The program starts this coming Monday morning and I am freaking out!

When I had my intake meeting with my case worker she said if I needed anything I could contact her but I never have. I figure it was an empty offer, made to be polite ya know? That and I’ve been on my own with this whole ED thing for a lot of years, why would I need anybody? Except obviously I do or I wouldn’t be in treatment, *rolls eyes*.

Anyways!

I’m not good at asking for help, and I’m slowly (ok, not that slowly) going a little crazy over here so I started writing her an email. I can’t bring myself to send it to her, that is too big a step for me, but I thought I’d post it here since just the writing of it helped me calm down a bit.

 

Hi,

I don’t know if I should be emailing you about this, I’m not really sure I’ll send it…I remember back when we had our face-to-face meeting in your office, before I started coming to the Monday Drop-In meetings, you said if I needed someone to reach out to I could contact you.

I didn’t really think you meant it, I mean, you can’t have people randomly emailing you all day, you’d never get any work done lol I figured you said that the way people say “let’s do coffee!”, one person suggests it, the other agrees, then it never happens. But M (I think his name is M, from Monday night group, I’m super bad at names) mentioned how he reached out to you during the holidays and I thought maybe it wasn’t an empty offer after all? I dunno…

I’m going a little crazy over here and don’t know what to do…For the past couple weeks I’ve had a harder time than normal dealing with food and it is getting to the point where I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’ve tried adding in extra workouts, not eating, eating, reading, watching tv, cleaning, nothing distracts me and nothing calms me. Well, not completely true, I sorta burned my arm the other day and that helped, but it is a temporary fix, proven by the fact I’m in the same boat tonight as I was before I did that to my arm…It’s not a crazy bad burn or anything, nothing to worry about.

I can’t seem to pinpoint what is freaking me out. Normally when I am like this it is because something is freaking me out…not that knowing what¬†that thing is actually helps the situation.

I’m just so, I don’t know! So mad at myself? Definitely irritated, as I have wanted to punch people for stupid little things for a week or so now. I want to binge. I want to binge so so so much but I know I’ll hate myself for it and I’m trying so hard not to but I don’t know what to do instead to deal with whatever the hell is bugging me subconsciously and not having an action to take to deal with whatever is going on is making everything so much worse. I have no outlet because I’ve taken away mine. Restricting isn’t helping either. I’ve noticed even though I didn’t plan it I’ve cut back on my food intake, not as low as I used to be but lower than what I think I’m probably supposed to be eating…though I tend to think the calorie amounts nutritionists say we should be eating are arbitrarily chosen and something to be altered to fit each individual person, but that’s a whole other thing.

I’m sorry, this is rambling, and ridiculous. I don’t know what I am looking for, help getting me out of my own head? Help calming my brain down? A quick fix to dampen my urge to binge so I don’t cave to the desire? There is nothing to be done, I just have to get through this on my own, I know that. I guess the idea there might be someone I can reach out to and ask for help was too tempting to resist but I can’t even bring myself to send the email because I don’t know how to ask for help. I only know how to be alone and deal with things by myself.

I’ll see you Monday, first day of actual treatment, and knowing me I’ll act normal, as if this little breakdown didn’t happen, and you’ll never know that I desperately needed someone to reach out to and chickened out from emailing you because I don’t feel like I am important enough to ask for or receive your help.

Bye.

full-core-area

 

 

No Words

Do you ever want to talk because you are going through something but you can’t find the words, you don’t even know what exactly you are going through, you just know you are miserable, but since you have no words to elocute what you are feeling, and aren’t really too sure yourself what it is you’re feeling, you just stay silent and the misery lingers, and grows, and when you aren’t able to distract yourself you find yourself sinking lower and lower into the misery?

That’s me. sigh.

I’m struggling but I know on the surface it doesn’t look like it. I’m still following the weight watchers program. I was away competing with my sports team this past weekend and managed to (1) not restrict and (2) not binge. I’ve been going to work and basically living my life.

But…

But it is all a struggle.

Now that I’m back home after being out of town with my team I find myself restricting. I’m not all the way down to not eating anything but I am under eating by a lot and I kinda don’t care.

I’m not sure what is driving me to restrict. I’ve never really tried to figure out why I restrict but this time I took some time to think about it and I realize I don’t know what is driving me to not eat.

I’m on the waiting list for the adult ed program, I was told the average wait time for a spot is three months and I’m not quite halfway in to that wait time. Most of the time I don’t mind that I haven’t been contacted yet but sometimes I wish I had some sort of help.

The program isn’t an inpatient program, it is a three times a week group meeting sort of thing, from my understanding anyways. Every now and then, kind of frequently lately, I almost wish I was sick enough to be put in an inpatient program. I know realistically that will never happen. For one thing I am not that sick, two, I can’t go inpatient, I have bills and a cat to take care of, three, nobody knows I struggle so nobody will ever notice I need help and reach out to someone on my behalf.

Its weird, I don’t want inpatient, but sometimes I do because maybe I wouldn’t have to be dealing with this feeling as much. I think it might be nice to have someone to lean on…I’m probably wrong though.

I’m rambling, and I know I’m rambling, but I can’t help it. My head is a jumbled place to be and I have nobody to talk to…not that I really know what I want to say…I just…sigh, I’m messed up in my head…

not ok

skinnier

 

YouTube ED Videos

Do you watch videos on YouTube about eating disorders? I watch a lot of them.

When I am in a frame of mind that lends itself towards wanting to get away from my issues with food I watch videos by Kati Morton, shes pretty awesome. She’s funny, she’s educated, she answers questions about all sorts of things eating disorder related. If you are wanting answers to your various questions, or information on all things eating disorder related you should give her videos a try.

However, as much as I enjoy Kati Morton videos I tend to lean more towards videos about people’s safe foods vs binge foods, or those videos that document with photographs someone’s journey with anorexia or bulimia…usually anorexia but only because those are more prevalent.

I don’t watch the videos put up by people showing their eating disorder because I find them triggering, or inspiring or because I think they might teach me something. I watch them because for some reason I find them fascinating, seeing someone else going through not the same thing as me but something similar. Seeing how they handle it, or what their process is, what they are thinking about their issue.

I guess maybe I find some weird sense of belonging, like we are all part of some club, like there is solidarity amongst us, even though we don’t know each other.

Stupid I guess.

Thing is, for some reason, I tend to re-watch a lot of the same videos, partly because the majority of the videos I don’t connect with and partly because well…I don’t know why, shrug.

I watch this video fairly often…

I really like this girl, I find her fun to watch, I admire how thin she is and wish I was that skinny.

Now, something else about my YouTube watching, I’m not that person who watches a video (like the one above) likes it and automatically subscribes to the channel or even watches other videos put out by that person. This means I have been watching and re-watching the above video for, eesh, months? longer probably, and I never bothered to look at what date the video was put up, or watch anything else she put up. For me, this girl is suspended in time, always looking like this, always at this stage of her eating disorder.

For some weird reason I decided to look at some of her other videos yesterday and oh wow, she is not the same anymore, like, at all!

The above video was done in 2010, her most recent video was done two weeks ago. I can’t even bring myself to put a link to any of her recent videos because she has gained soooooo much weight. I can’t watch them, I can’t look at her and not cringe a little – which is a horrible thing to say, I know! But I just can’t, I tried, I tried watching some of them and I literally lean away from my computer screen and wonder why she let herself get so fat, why she let herself lose her cheekbones, why she went from so pretty to this…

I hate myself for my thoughts towards her. I hate that I am being mean, and judgmental and a horrible horrible person but I can’t seem to stop. She went from looking how I am wishing with everything in my being I could look to fat. Ugh.

She still struggles with her eating disorder even though she has been out of inpatient care for years and is apparently recovered and when she talks about having to stop being vegan because she found it brought back some of her ED tendencies I actually think “maybe she should follow some of those tendencies and lose some weight, just until she’s a bit thinner, then she can go back to being “recovered”.”

My karma points decrease horrendously every time I think these thoughts they are that mean!

Is that what happens if someone goes for treatment, they make you fat and somehow brain wash you in to thinking that is how you are supposed to be? Cause if so screw that!

For a little bit I wondered if maybe it was just me, maybe she isn’t as fat as I think she is, maybe it is my distorted view of things that make her seem so large but I don’t think so. I think I am right on this one and it depresses me. I am sad for her that she gained all that weight. Sad for her that she is still struggling to figure out how to find balance with her food and exercise. Sad that someone convinced her that gaining and keeping that weight is an ok thing.

She is no longer frozen in time for me anymore and I think I will have to stop watching the above video of her because when I look at it now I just feel sadness that she is no longer that thin.