Tag Archives: tired

Tired

I’m tired.

All. The. Time.

I wish I was a cat who could just sleep my days away, but unfortunately I have responsibilities to deal with that force me out of bed much earlier than I want and make me stay up later than I would like.

Then there is the whole problem of not getting a decent sleep when I am finally in bed.

What’s with that?

Seems like some mean trick, not being able to get a decent sleep even though I am so tired.

It was recommended to me I cut out some of my caffeine, so my last drink of the day is now decaf.

It sucks balls.

It also makes me feel tired earlier, which was sorta the point I guess.

The lack of caffeine in that last drink of the day has not magically made it so I can sleep better, or get to sleep faster, or really had any affect on my sleep.

All I notice is I now have more trouble functioning during the day because I am low on caffeine, or at least lower than my norm.

After my friend died I had a two day binge fest. Since then I’ve been a bit more in control of things. Some days I am eating more than I think I should, but not as much as my dietitian wants me to eat. Most days I am still under eating by quite a bit more than I tell my dietitian, I don’t want her to freak out at me. I am also going to the gym more – although that is partially a lie cause last week I was hardly there. A combination of grief, a change in schedule, and really bad cramps kept me away. I plan on recommitting this week though.

I had hoped by going to the gym more I could lose a dress size in time for my one work’s Christmas party but that binge, plus the lack of gym time, has screwed that up for me. So I’ll be as fat as I am right now at the party, which sucks.

I haven’t lost my collarbone, or my shoulder bones, which pleases me. And my hip bones are more noticeable but not as noticeable as I want. I’m getting there though! I’m worried Christmas, well, the month of December really, will derail me, it did last year. The gym will be handy for that, to offset extra food I might eat. I have to be careful though, don’t want to eat more because I think I have a buffer or something.

This post is all over the place, because I am tired and can’t seem to keep a single thought in my head for long before it gets replaced by a new one.

Seriously missing my caffeine right now.

ribs and hips

Goals

Advertisements

When I’m Tired

When I’m tired I make bad choices. Bad choices in every area of my life. At the time I am so tired I can’t bring myself to care, I am numb from exhaustion but afterwards, when I am pumped up on caffeine or had some sleep I care, I care a whole hell of a lot.

Right now I am on the upswing from taking in caffeine and carbs and sugar and I am pissed at myself.

I was tired all day today, I felt like I was moving through syrup, every action was harder than it should be. After work I went hiking with a friend and thought I was going to die when we were going up the inclines. How can one hill be so freakin long? Demonic path.

On the way home I was thinking about what, if anything, I would eat for dinner. There is nothing in my apartment I want to eat. Either I am unhappy with the calories, or the protein to carb ratio, or I’m just not feeling it. So I started wondering if there was something I could pick up on the way home, there aren’t many safe take-out options left for me but there are a couple (mostly sushi with no rice). Because I was thinking about food from outside my apartment my brain leapt to all sorts of things, like McDonald’s, pizza, cheesecake…things I can’t eat but wish I could.

When I got home I changed in to comfy clothes and basically collapsed on to my bed. I would have fallen asleep except I was freezing cold and the cat kept patting my face and meowing at me. Once I dragged myself off the bed I was working on auto pilot and made a stupid, stupid, stuuuuuupid decision…I ordered take-out. Not even something I can vaguely justify as mildly healthy either, sigh. I ordered bread sticks and the chocolate chip cookie from Pizza Hut.

Fuck.

Even as I hit the checkout button on the website I felt remorse. I sat there, rocking back and forth, instantly regretting the purchase, knowing if I had waited, maybe drunk some water to fill my stomach, maybe let myself fall asleep, maybe distract myself from my hunger by reading or watching a movie or well, anything other than ordering food, I would never have made this food choice. I couldn’t go back and change what I did so I sat, waiting for the food delivery, knowing I was about to eat super bad for me food, in ridiculous quantities, because that is apparently what I do when super tired. sigh.

Now I’m sitting here feeling oh so full, still exhausted but no way I’ll sleep for a while because my tummy is full of bread sticks and chocolate chip cookie.

All my super strict calorie restricting so I would make a good impression at the upcoming meeting about the adult ed program down the drain…I’m useless.

anorexic

dont want to

The Depth

I did better than I thought I would when I went home for Christmas. I managed on multiple days to restrict my calories to a number that didn’t scare the crap out of me and the days I did eat more calories than I am comfie with were days I knew that was going to happen and I did my best to plan ahead for that. By plan ahead I mean mentally plan ahead, there wasn’t much I could do to physically counter act the calories.

A bonus is that even though I was eating more than I was comfie with when I compared the amounts I was eating to what other people were eating I was still eating way less. I use what other people eat as a baseline for my food quantities. If I am eating way less than what other people are eating, even if I am eating more than I feel comfie with, I don’t go in to complete and utter freak-out because I know it could be lots worse.

That might not make any sense to anybody else but it does to me, shrug.

Since I’ve been back though I’ve been pretty down. Not about being back, I am glad to be back, I’m just down about, well, I’m not completely certain what…I’m just down…

I should be happy. I know I should be but I can’t force it, not when it is just me and my laptop. Tomorrow I will fake it, for the entire time I am at work no one will know anything is less than perfect but for now, I’m down.

I feel I am sinking, going down in to the depth of, well, where ever the hell it is I always seem to go when down. Right now I am envisioning it as me sinking down in to a bottomless ocean, the water is a dark blue, it is the same temperature as me so it doesn’t make me feel anything, and instead of floating I keep sinking, farther away from the light, and I can’t even bring myself to care that I’m leaving the light behind, the warmth of the sun, the oxygen I need to live.

I just don’t care.

I keep sinking, the farther down I go the more numb I get. I am still sad, that hasn’t gone away, but the water helps to make it harder to feel the sadness. I know it is still there, lurking, but it can’t affect me, the water keeps me safe from the sadness while also blocking any of the good things from getting through.

A very small part of me knows that I should be fighting this, that I should do anything and everything I can to stop myself from sinking any lower, and to fight to get myself back to the light but that part of me is so small and easy to ignore and well, I don’t know how. It would take so much work and it is so much easier to curl up in a ball and sleep, or watch Netflix and ignore the world…which is pretty much all I’ve been doing all day…

I think I’ll go to bed and see if anything is different in the morning.

depth

Not Happening Today

Ok so I meant to do an actual post today but I’m sitting here over heating, with a massive headache, the dryer just buzzed and I really want to go to bed. I’ve been working out a lot more than normal and as a result am tiring quickly so for now I’m just gonna say “hi” and “bye”.

I’ll write more another day.

grumbly

Sleep, More Sleep, and a Bit of Food

I slept in today, like to a ridiculous amount. I went to bed about 2:30am, woke up around 11am, rolled over and went back to sleep, in the end I didn’t for real wake up till about 3pm or so. What the hell?!?!

What was great was even though I had slept a loooooong time I didn’t wake up hungry, awesomeness!

Once I got up I did 180 squats, showered, had a bowl of cereal and toast, oh and some tea of course lol then chilled a bit before going to practice. It was an intense practice, totally sweated my ass off and worked my muscles a lot! So did everyone else, it’s always best when we all push really hard and at the end are in pain. I take it as proof that even though I have unconventional eating habits they aren’t making me less able to participate in my sport then others. ๐Ÿ™‚

When I got home from practice I did a whole whack of ab exercises. I hate ab exercises, I actually feel as if they are killing me – death by ab exercises, ugh. What a way to go!

After finishing my ab stuff, washing up and getting dressed I made my protein shake, Mmm! Then I had a cup of tea and a pastry. *hangs head in shame* I know I shouldn’t have eaten it but I was still craving from yesterday and after practice I had to go to the grocery store and I always seem to end up in the bakery section when I’m in the grocery store, sigh.

So to recap, I slept an ungodly amount of hours, then ate a bowl of cereal, two pieces of toast with light peanut butter, had a cup of tea, drank a protein shake, ate a pastry, drank another cup of tea and, hmm…that’s it.

I can’t decide if I am horrified over eating the pastry or happy over not eating all that much food today while doing lots of exercises…

I’m also super tired again, which is disgusting considering I’ve only been up 9 hours *rolls eyes*

I guess I’m so tired because of all the exercising I did today, but that’s ok, I figure it means I’m working out hard and that can only be a good thing, right? Right!

i want

Hunger Pangs

Three nights in a row now I’ve been actively hungry when I go to bed, wOOt!! How great is that?! I’m so excited for myself lol

As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep my tummy growls and it makes me grin. I love and hate the feeling of being hungry. I hate the pain I feel but I love knowing what being hungry means – it means I am that much closer to being skinny! When I’m hungry and tempted to eat I remind myself the hunger pangs mean I’m closer to my goal, if I don’t feel hungry I am farther from my goal.

Hunger pangs = I’m doing something right! ๐Ÿ™‚

Today I ate a bowl of cereal with a cut up banana on top for my breakfast&lunch combo. I ย never eat breakfast and then lunch, I combine them in to one small meal, it’s so much easier that way. Then at work I pretended I was going to eat dinner, I did eat a super tiny bowl of veggie soup, it was a clear broth so I’m ok with that. The salad the chef made me I took to my desk, then got “too busy” to eat, then after the kitchen staff was gone I went and threw it all out. Pretty great huh? ๐Ÿ˜€

I’ve been more tired then usual lately, not sure why. All I really want to do is sleep all the time. I actually did sleep almost an entire day away this week, if I’m being honest it was two days I almost slept away, I woulda slept away a third but people kept waking me up. Meanies! I had some really weird dreams while I was sleeping those days away, strange and disjointed but at the same time they felt so real. I don’t remember much about the dreams but I remember I liked them…

keep going to bed hungry and you'll get to your goal!

keep going to bed hungry and you’ll get to your goal!