Tag Archives: thinspo

An Achievement

Something to celebrate, a small achievement, but one I am proud of.

Though, I don’t know how best to describe it and I don’t post pictures of myself on here so not like I can show you…lemme try to explain…

You know when you lay down on your back and lift your head to look down the length of your body to see how flat and bony it looks?

Well, when I got home today I stripped out of my clothes in order to put on some cozy sweats but I lay down on the bed first. As I was laying on the bed in only my underwear I started feeling my ribs and hips with my hands.

No, I wasn’t feeling myself up or anything, I just like to test out my bones, see if they are getting more prominent. I don’t really see myself as I am most of the time so I find I can get a better idea of how much I am losing (or heaven forbid, gaining!) if I feel without looking.

Anyways!

My hip bone felt bonier, I was laying on my side though so it doesn’t really count. So I rolled over onto my back and was feeling my hips and thought “yup, they do feel more pronounced” so I decided to chance it and I looked down the length of my body to take a look at my hips.

Normally when I do this all I see if fat so I don’t like doing this.

Today though I noticed my rib cage is sticking out farther than my breasts (don’t take that as being too impressive, my bra was off and my boobs were flattened from gravity, stupid gravity, sigh) but the big thing, the exciting thing, the thing I am proud of is that there was a gap between my skin and my panties because my panties were held aloft from my body by my hips.

I had a panty gap!

Which I don’t know if that is what it is actually called but who the fuck cares? I have one!

Aaaaaand since my explanation makes nooooo sense I’m gonna try to find a pic…

tumblr_n3gz1dyRLP1syke28o1_250

Ok so see in the picture above how the waistband isn’t touching the torso cuz the hipbones stick out? That is what mine are doing now!

Only I don’t look as good as in this picture cuz this girl is way skinnier than me. But hey, I’m getting there! *crosses fingers*

I’ve been getting better with keeping my calories low and my binges less frequent. I think I sorta inadvertently reset when my friend died. I was so upset that I lost my appetite completely and when it started to come back I was better able to be ruthless about not giving in to it.

I’m going to have to be extra strict for the next week or so as I hurt my knee and can’t run until it is a bit more stable. I’m going to try the bike at the gym tomorrow, see if I can manage that ok, if so then I guess that’ll be my cardio for a while, which sucks balls cause I get a way better workout from running (even though I hate running with a passion) but it is either take it easy for a week and then be ok or push myself and hurt my knee even more which then prevents me from working out at all, for months. It has happened. It is horrible. I really can’t go through that again.

I think I’ll be able to maintain the strictness though, now that I have that panty gap, it’ll be great motivation. After all, I just got it, I don’t want to lose it!

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Others Are Better

I have heard many times about the competition within the eating disorder world. Where Person A will tell Person B they aren’t thin enough to be a “real anorexic” or “sick enough to need help” or that they just “want attention”, stuff like that.

I haven’t experienced that from others but I do say things like that to myself all the time.

I am 100% convinced I don’t really have an eating disorder because I am still so fat. If I had a real eating disorder I would be thin, like the ladies in the thinspo YouTube videos that I watch and the images I google. I’m not sick enough to need help because I’ve never been forced in to treatment somewhere, never full on fainted from lack of food, never had a feeding tube put in me. If I really had an eating disorder I would have had at least one of those experiences, right?

I hate that I am a failure at this. I hate that I am still so fat when all I want is to be thin. I hate this body.

Like seriously, how long is this gonna take? Because it feels like I have been doing this forever and I’m still not at goal weight yet! Arg!

Sometimes I think maybe I am finally doing this thing, maybe I am finally going to succeed. I dedicate myself to restricting my calories, being active, doing everything I can think of to get thin but it doesn’t work. I can’t figure out what I am doing wrong. I mean yeah I have days where I binge eat but I have more days where I eat 750 calories or less, shouldn’t those out weigh the binge days? Or at least help negate some of the damage I did by eating? sigh. I dunno.

I see these other girls in real life and online who are so thin, they did it, they succeeded and I wish I could sit down with them and pick their brains to find out what I am doing wrong.

In some YouTube videos people talk about how much they exercised while eating almost nothing and I know that is somewhere I drop the ball a lot. I want to exercise more but I can’t. Not only because of my schedule but because I barely have the energy to get through my normal day, add on working out and I don’t know how I’ll manage. But that is probably a cop out and I should force myself in to the gym. I mean, if I really wanted to be thin I’d find a way to work out, right?

I spend the bulk of my days off sleeping, I should be spending them working out. It is just that I get so tired by the end of my work week that when I get home I put on sweats, collapse in the living room chair and barely have the energy to do anything besides chill in the chair and sleep in my bed for the next couple days. But ya know it is probably not that I am too tired, it is probably that I am lazy, and obviously not motivated enough.

I’m gonna hafta fix this.

But how? How do I find the motivation to get my lazy butt to the gym, not only on my days off but the days I work? Some people suggest scheduling your work outs the way you schedule your work shifts or doctors appointments, so they are something you can’t miss. That doesn’t really work for me because I know I can miss the work out and no doctors office is going to call to ask where I am, no manager is going to call to say I am fired. The only consequence to my not going is my own self-loathing and that doesn’t seem to be enough to get me there.

How do you motivate yourself to go work out? Do you have any tips or tricks to get your butt out the door?

get there

Some Things I Found

Alrighty so after that disaster of a food day last week I got right back on the wagon and have been even stricter with myself, yay! I’ve dropped down another 100 calories so I am eating even less and it makes me feel so much better. I’m hoping whatever damage I did with that binge can be minimized if I am careful.

Something I heard on a YouTube video and made me think “why the hell didn’t I think of that?!” was about diet pop.

I drink Diet Coke but I generally limit myself to one a day. I used to drink it more often but unless I am out at a restaurant or movie and drinking pop while out I, like I said, drink one can a day. Well, this YouTube video I saw had this girl doing a Q&A and one of the questions was about how much pop she drinks. In a day she has approx 17 diet pops! 17!! That’s crazy!

She said the carbonation makes her feel full, it bumps up her energy, and it tastes good. She was seeing a dietitian at the time of the video and she had told her dietitian how much she drank and they didn’t tell her to stop so she decided they must think it was ok, or at least not so bad she had to scale back asap.

Well, duh, why don’t I up my pop content? It does seem to trick my stomach in to thinking it is full, or at least not super hungry, it has caffeine which is lovely, and it tastes good…shrug, seems like an easy choice to me. 🙂

I went to the store and intended to buy a bunch of different flavoured diet pops but they surprisingly didn’t have a lot in stock, probably cause of the sale they were having. So I ended up with only two cases, one of Diet Coke and one of Sprite Zero which I was taking a chance on because I hate Coke Zero and was worried this would suck but it is actually really good! Refreshing ya know?

So now I have 2, maybe 3 cans a day, depending on the day and it’s such an improvement!

Although, I have had to scale back on all liquids because of a sensitive tooth, everything hurts unless it is room temperature, and even then it hurts the tooth a bit, sigh. So bonus because I really don’t want to eat anything since it will cause me pain but not good because I was really trying to stay hydrated and I’m finding it really hard to do because of the tooth pain. I’m going to call the dentist tomorrow and try to get an appointment to have it looked at, sigh, I hate the dentist.

The other thing is vegetables. You’re gonna think I’m an idiot for this one. I have been pretty much avoiding most vegetables because I decided they were too high in calorie for too little pay off. The other night at work they had a huge amount of grilled veggies left over (zucchini and squash) and I decided I would eat some of that instead of the dinner I took (29 grams of cheerios) because I kinda missed veggies and I figured if I didn’t eat my cheerios than maybe it would be ok to eat the veggies. When I went to find the nutritional information for the veggies I was pleasantly surprised, they are super low calorie!

Now, it isn’t that I didn’t know veggies were low in calories but when I was on Weight Watchers vegetables are zero points so you can eat unlimited amounts of them without it being counted against you. Once I left Weight Watchers and started watching calories veggies all of a sudden seemed dangerous because they went from being a zero to being an actual number so I just wiped them off my food list.

I’m so glad I ate those veggies yesterday and learned just how many of them I can eat for a decent number of calories, I had 2 cups of cubed zucchini for 40 calories and 1 cup cubed squash for 18 calories. My measurements are estimates unfortunately because I had no way to measure how much I was eating but I always estimate high so I am sure I didn’t eat more than that.

I have decided veggies need to come back on my list of ok to eat foods but I haven’t actually bought any yet because when I think about buying them I kinda shy away since I’ve had it in my head for a while now that they shouldn’t be eaten but next time I am in a grocery store I’ll check them out and see if I can’t over come that with at least one vegetable.

The last thing I “found” was that even though I knew the scale said I lost weight I didn’t really believe it, some days I swear I look even fatter in the mirror but today at work I was constantly having to pull my pants up because they were so loose they wouldn’t stay up! Yay! And I don’t mean they were a tiny bit loose I mean it was a good thing I was wearing a long top otherwise I would have been constantly flashing butt crack and nobody wants to see that, lol, oh, and I was stepping on my pants all the time because of how far down they were falling. I am so excited! I don’t have a lot of money so I’m not going to replace the pants asap since I figure at most I’ve only gone down one size and I can’t afford new clothes at each new size but maybe I’ll buy a new pair once I’ve gone down two sizes…that seems reasonable I think…

back

Cayenne Pepper and Green Tea

A trainer at the gym I go to is chatty, she isn’t my personal trainer (because I can’t afford a personal trainer) but if I get a protein shake before I leave or stop by the desk on the way out we usually end up talking.

During one of these talks she said something she does, and recommends, is taking cayenne pepper pills in combination with green tea extract pills (or you can drink the green tea, she takes the pills cause she doesn’t like green tea lol).

She is super skinny so obviously I am gonna take any advice she gives me.

It took me a while to find the cayenne pepper pills, I could find them online but was having trouble finding them in a store and I’d much rather buy them in a store than online. It’s not that I don’t trust online shopping, I just don’t want to wait for them to be shipped to me, I’m impatient lol

I was in Superstore the other day and found an aisle I’d never seen before, filled with all kinds of supplements etc and there they were, bottles of cayenne pepper extract pills, score! Oh, and right beside them? The green tea extract pills. Like it was meant to be! 😉

Capsaicin is the active ingredient in cayenne pepper and depending on which article you read on the internet, can aid in weight loss. Combining it with green tea, according to the trainer and random internet sources, will give it a boost.

By now everyone has heard that green tea, either the pills or the actual drink, aid in weight loss, hell, I know people who have green tea in their water bottles when they are working out instead of water lol This cayenne pepper thing is new, to me anyways.

I was warned that you must must must take the pills when eating, as in, eat half your meal, pop the pills, eat the other half of your meal. If you have nothing in your stomach, or not enough in your stomach, when you take the cayenne pepper pill you will feel like your stomach is on fire and be in such misery you’ll never want to take one of the pills again.

I decided to wait and take my first cayenne pepper pill on a day I didn’t work, that way if I had a bad response to it I wouldn’t feel like crap while at work.

Today was that day!

I kinda forgot about it, sigh, so I took the pills (one cayenne pepper pill, one green tea extract pill) after I ate, then I drank a big glass of water juuuuuust in case.

An unknown amount of time after I popped the pills (I wish I’d timed how long it took…) I all of a sudden had a horrible sensation in my stomach, kind of a fiery nauseating pain…not as strong as it would be if I had no food in my stomach (I’m guessing) but strong enough I felt kinda miserable.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I felt as if I could throw up quiet easily, but wanted to avoid that if possible, so I sat, in misery, and tried to distract myself with tv. Maybe ten minutes or so after it started it stopped.

No more nausea. No more fire. No more pain. Just a normal stomach again.

I’m counting this as a success and will keep on taking the pills. I figure, if I only take them when I am eating at home (which is the majority of my meals), and if I make sure I don’t eat right before I have to leave but instead give myself time, well, I should be fine.

Fine, and possibly thinner! *crosses fingers*

tall n skinny

Mirrors Don’t Lie

Last week I was in a change room, in a thrift store, looking for items for my halloween costume. I have horrible luck in thrift stores, everything is always in smaller sizes than what I am. It has me half convinced I am the largest person out there and that’s why there are never clothing donations that fit me…but then I see people larger than me so that makes me wonder if people my size just never get rid of their clothes…either way, thrift shops suck in my world, but for halloween I will dig through them.

I was in the handicap changing stall (it was the next one open) so I had lots of space, always nice. I was trying on three different blue dresses and three pairs of jeans. When I tried on the jeans I kept my shirt on, obviously, so all I was seeing in the mirror was if the jeans could be pulled all the way up, and once up, how they looked with a shirt on. I did the sitting test, you know, where you sit on the bench in the change room and look in the mirror to see if the clothes bunch funny when you are sitting, or the pant legs become too short, also, I like to see how comfy something is when I am sitting. Once the jeans were done I took off my shirt and started trying on the dresses.

Big mistake.

The first one I was putting on over my head and couldn’t get past my breasts, sigh, they are naturally large and can be a problem when I’m clothes shopping. I didn’t bother to see if it fit elsewhere since it obviously didn’t fit over the ladies.

The second one I forced on, was way too tight, wouldn’t zip up and I thought I was going to rip seams when I was trying to get it off.

The third I got on, got zipped up, but it did nothing for me, ugh. The back was partially sheer and amplified my fat.

So the dresses didn’t pan out, which wasn’t all that surprising really.

The horrible part came after I took the third dress off, I sat on the bench, wearing my panties and bra, and was putting the dress back on the hanger when I glanced up. I wasn’t purposefully looking in the mirror to see how I looked sitting in my underwear but as soon as I saw the mirror I froze.

Horrendous.

Disgusting.

Nauseating.

Terrifying.

How did I get so fat??? How did i not realize I was so fat??? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I knew I was fat, but this, this view, this can’t-lie-with-such-a-big-mirror-view brought just how big I am in to focus. A focus I can’t ignore, and I swear the image is burned on to my retinas, seared in to my brain, I’ll never forget how I looked.

I wish I could forget how I looked.

You would think that image, that horrible horrible site would immediately get me back on track food wise but reeeeally, it hasn’t.

Today was Thanksgiving (I live in Canada), and I ate pumpkin pie.

Pie!

Here I am freakin obese and revolting and an eyesore that shouldn’t be allowed out in public and I still ate pie.

No surprise why I am so large. *rolls eyes*

I’m lost as to what to do. I want to immediately start restricting my food, cut waaaaay back, but intellectually I know that isn’t the answer. I have to eat healthy, multiple times a day, get my metabolism working for me…but that scares me. I’m so scared that eating anything, healthy or not, proper portion size or not, balanced meal or not, will just make me bigger and I’m already so big, I can’t let myself get any bigger, I can’t!

What do I do? Do I restrict and starve my way down to a lower weight? Do I eat “healthy” like a “normal person”?

What??

I just don’t know…I’m scared whichever path I choose will be the wrong one and I’ll get bigger…how do I know what to do?

Thought I’d share a thinspo video instead of a picture this time, obviously extra motivation is needed in my corner of the world, maybe someone else needs it too.

What Was I Thinking?

You’ll never believe this…

If you’ve read my ‘about page’, at least, I think I put it on my ‘about page’, I mentioned how I have another blog. It is a healthy living/losing weight type of blog that is linked to all my other social media accounts, this means friends and family read it. Strangers read it also, but so do  friends and family.

That blog is a lie. It has to be because if I ever wrote what I really did/felt/think I’d have to deal with judgments being thrown my way, people giving me grief and I’d be constantly having to reassure people that I’m fine, even though I’m not. I can’t be honest on that blog about who I am, the way I see and deal with food, how I feel.

I’m always trying to get thinner, to be in better shape, to improve how I look. My friends at work, who do not seem to have food issues as I do, decided they wanted a work fitness group, something put in place to help them get in shape. They came to me, thinking I have some sway with management, and I put something together.

There are prizes provided from the company for those that do the best every month, there is a money jackpot to win at the end of six months for the overall winner. It isn’t a program that has everyone following one set food plan or one specific work out plan. The idea is that everyone can follow whatever program they want, but we are a group and therefore will be supporting each other, helping each other to make healthy choices, encouraging each other to work out, things like that. There is a trainer at work who is going to help us, teach us exercises we can all do at home, write monthly articles about healthy eating etc.

The idea of a fitness group was someone elses, but I made it happen. I figured out how it should work, I arranged the prizes, I send out the emails to everyone to help keep us motivated.

I, the person who binge eats, the person who restricts, the person who has a ridiculously fucked up relationship with food, has started a work fitness program and is being looked at as someone who has the answers. Who can set an example. Who can show others how to get and stay in shape.

Are you laughing hysterically yet?

At first it was almost a game, figuring out how the group should work, getting it set up. But now it is real, people have paid to be in it, people are expecting results. And I am feeling backed in to a corner.

I don’t know what to do. Every time I restrict, every time I binge, every time I over exercise or don’t exercise or basically do anything wrong I feel trapped. Trapped by a group of people who all think I am an always cheerful, happy-go-lucky, stress free person. They believe the facade I show the world, and why shouldn’t they? I’ve been working on it for years, it is perfected.

So now I am running a work weight loss group. I, the person who ate an entire pizza in one sitting today, and justified it because I hadn’t eaten anything else all day and I had exercised. I couldn’t be a worse role model if I tried, and sadly, I’m not even trying, this is just how I am.

Sometimes…sometimes I wish someone in my life, anyone, would actually see me, would see that I’m not ok, would see that I am struggling, that I need help, direction, support. I sometimes wish that I could talk candidly to someone face to face about what I think, how I deal with food, how I screw up all the time. Right this minute I have a pizza sitting heavily in my stomach, I am disgusted with myself, I am panicky because of how many calories I digested, I want to cry, or yell, maybe hit something. I want to hurt. I want my outsides to show the pain I am feeling inside.

But no one sees any of that. All they see is someone who is running a fitness group because she’s so in to the healthy lifestyle that she’d be a good person to get help from. No one thinks to offer me help, and to be fair, I wouldn’t be able to accept the help without showing some cracks in my facade, and I could never allow that to happen.

This group is not going to be easy.

ab thinspo