Tag Archives: sick

Is It An ED Thing?

I haven’t been feeling well for a little while now, and it is pissing me off.

I am having all these disjointed symptoms that haven’t coalesced in to any one thing. By that I mean I haven’t come down with the flu, or a cold, or anything that I can point to and say “This is why I haven’t been feeling well, my body was trying to battle this bug.” I just have all these random things, that are leaving me feeling like crap.

I’m cold, all the time. I’m always cold but this is a deep in the bone, goosebumps always on my arms, leaving me feeling fragile, level of cold.

Except randomly during the night I wake up soaked in my own sweat (lovely image I know), so apparently night sweats are a thing my body does now.

I also have no appetite, shocking.

I’m tired, 24/7. I slept almost 9 hours last night and woke up exhausted. It took me 2 hours to get out of bed today, and the only reason I managed to force myself to get up was because I had to go to work.

I sprained my wrist…which ok, isn’t really a symptom, I’m just being whiny cause it hurts lol

My shoulder and arm and chest muscles are freaking killing me. I had two workouts in a row that focused on those muscles, not the wisest thing to do, but that was Wednesday and Thursday, and I am still paying for it. So not normal!

My energy level could be graded in the negatives, which I suppose ties in to the whole tired all the time thing.

I’m getting headaches and just sorta feeling blah.

Oh and the brain fog, I swear I am getting dumber by the day and my ability to concentrate has disappeared.

Today my throat was killing me, it still is but not at quite the same level.

I’m getting dizzy more often. It used to be I’d get dizzy when going up stairs at any speed but especially if I went quickly. Earlier today I leaned over to pick something up and when I stood up, dizzy.

My eyelashes are falling out faster than normal. *pout*

My “give a fuck” level is at rock bottom – that’s probably more of an emotional thing though, but I think it has gotten to where it is because I’ve been feeling like crap for so many days in a row now.

I’ve started getting these leg cramps that are so painful they make me cry and I have to muffle myself so I don’t make any noise. My leg muscle is so, what would be the word, clenched? Engaged? Whatever it is, that my foot is literally pulled up in to an extreme flexed position and I have to use my hands to try to force it back down to a normal angle, and fyi, doing that freakin hurts!

I can feel my heart, which sounds weird, I mean, if you focus on it anyone can feel their heart as it does it’s thing. But sometimes I can really feel it, like the sensation of my heart beating is somehow exaggerated, no, that isn’t the right word, more forceful maybe? Or maybe it is just that I am noticing it more at that moment?

Do you see what I mean? Some of the things on that list are more emotional or mental, so not really a physical symptom. Some of them are things that could be explained if my body was trying to fight off something and was tired from that extra work. Some of them are just stupid (sprained wrist for instance lol), and some just flat out confuse me.

I wonder if it is just too many things happening at one time and my body can’t keep up with all it has to do. Like, maybe my muscles still hurt because my body is busy trying to fight off whatever bug is making me feel tired and giving me night sweats and stealing my appetite that it just can’t deal with post-workout muscle rebuilding. And maybe my eyelashes are falling out because, well, I don’t know. But maybe the leg cramps are because I need more Vitamin C – years ago I was told to drink orange juice if I ever got a muscle cramp because the Vitamin C helps. I don’t drink juice but I could try taking a Vitamin C tablet. Maybe I should start taking a multi-vitamin again…

Before I get off on a tangent about vitamins…

I just don’t know. Maybe some of the symptoms are related to my ED, but how do I pull apart which are ED related and which aren’t. Even if I thought about going to the doctor I can’t very well show up with that list and expect her to do anything other than think I am crazy. That is a ridiculous list of things that aren’t even connected.

I’m pretty sure it is just a weird time where my body is dealing with a couple things too many and so it is struggling to take care of everything. And that can happen to anyone, whether they have an ED or not.

As a result of how crappy I was feeling today I got my shift covered tomorrow and I am taking a day off. I don’t normally have a day off, and to be honest, I already made walking / hiking plans for the afternoon – it is supposed to be a beautiful day and I don’t want to waste the sunshine! Though I never really feel that sleeping is wasting anything…and that is what I would be doing if I didn’t make plans…I’d be sleeping, probably all day, which is ridiculously lazy.

I don’t know where I am going with this post, not like I think some doctor is reading this and would provide me medical advice. It just helps me to write it down and send it out to the blogosphere sometimes.

Does anybody else out there have any symptoms like this? Or used to but doesn’t now? Just askin…ya know, for a friend. 😉


Not Helping

I wrote a bit ago about how I had been sick (well, when I wrote that post I was currently sick) and as a result lost 3 pounds in 3 days.

When I went back to work I had lost a total of four and a bit pounds and apparently it was noticeable. I don’t understand how, but people said they could tell, and asked if I was ok, and did all that concerned questioning nosy thing that people do. When I said I had been sick they switched to concerned but not as nosy, which is a bit better I guess.

This also seemed to open up the gateway for them to comment on my weight in general.

I’ve lost weight this past year. People love talking about that shit. I lie, and tell them I lost it in a healthy way. They have no reason to not believe me, so they nod and say I did a great job.

Then they proceed to tell me how I shouldn’t lose anymore weight because “you’re wasting away!” but in the next breath they say how great I look. Even when I came back to work after being sick people were saying how great I looked…right after telling me I looked sick *rolls eyes* People!

This is not helping me get back to a more “normal” way of eating.

When I was sick I was living off of chicken noodle soup, tea, and very small amounts of apple juice. When I’m sick my appetite, the sad little thing that it is, goes right out the window, and it takes everything I can muster to remember to drink the tea, let alone eat the soup.

I knew I had lost weight. And because I always want to lose weight I was happy with this loss. My ribs were more prominent, I felt lighter, stronger, more capable, smarter, better. I feel a lot of great things when my weight goes down…which makes it reeeeally hard to be ok with staying at this weight or gaining. When I went back to work I had zero internal incentive to go back to eating anything other than my soup and tea.

My first day back at work I worked two jobs, then went to the gym, then went home and ate nothing post-workout, then woke up the next day so much sicker that I had to call in and miss two days of work. Apparently I went back to the gym a tad too soon. Oops! Since I spiraled back down in to the world of being sick I also spiraled back in to the justification that it is ok to eat only the chicken noodle soup and the tea. Oh how easy it is to think like that.

So now I’m basically over the cold, just some sinus stuff. It is the first day of my work week, I worked two jobs, went to the gym after work, and am about to head to bed and I am realizing I am having a very hard time with eating. Not just eating in general, which I always have, but eating foods I used to be ok with. I used to be ok with eating oatmeal. I didn’t eat it when sick cause it was too much for me. Now I can’t bring myself to eat it. Just the thought of it makes me cringe a bit. I don’t know why. I like oatmeal. I was totally fine with eating it before…hell, it was one of my few food staples, but now, well, I went without it all that time I was sick so obviously I don’t need it, so why eat it?

A lot of foods have turned in to dilemmas like this for me.

Eggs? Yup.

Bread? Yup.

Oatmeal we already discussed.

Fish? Yup.

Certain vegetables? sigh, yes, even those.

Now, that list may not seem long but it basically all the food I allowed myself to eat on any regular basis.

Right now my list of ok foods seems to consist of chicken noodle soup. Even I know that isn’t a good list! Though part of my brain thinks it is brilliant. *rolls eyes*

I don’t know how to integrate my old foods back in to my rotation, I didn’t really anticipate them leaving my rotation ya know?

My screwed up brain, combined with all the compliments I am getting from people about how great I look is making it hard to see the logic of eating again. If I look so great after what turned out to basically be a soup diet, why not continue?

I know the people at my work don’t mean harm, they don’t know what I am struggling with, they don’t know that by telling me I look great and skinny and all that they are re-enforcing that not eating is a good choice and strengthening my fear that eating any other foods will result in my becoming immediately fatter.

I know it’s not their fault. I know it. I swear I know it! And I know I have to control how I respond to people’s comments and I have to control how I internalize what people are really saying. Someone saying I look good doesn’t translate to I should never eat again, not in other peoples brains anyways, and I have to break that connection in mine.

But c’mon, I got called skinny today. Me. The fat girl with a good 30 pounds left to lose. I don’t want to lose that compliment and right now my brain is saying I’ll lose it if I eat.

Messed up. My head is so messed up.


Last work week (I work Fridays through Tuesdays) I got exposed to a plethora of germs because people at work decided that even though they were sick, like, super sick, they’d still come to work because “I never get sick, it isn’t that bad”…only to have to leave early because of just how sick they were.

I really, and I mean reeeally, hate when people come to work sick.

Keep your freakin germs to yourself people!


When I was leaving work Monday I was feeling it, the sore throat, the sniffles, the tiredness. Definite signs I was getting sick. I ran errands instead of going to the gym like I had planned and stocked up on DayQuil, kleenex, throat lozenges, the apple juice mentioned in a previous post, and Vitamin C drops.

A sick person’s survival kit!

I didn’t end up as sick as the others though and stupidly thought I’d managed to escape the horrible-wish-I-was-dead version of this illness. Now I think I might have just been incubating it and it is about ready to make itself fully known…just in time for my new work week. Fuck.

I spent Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday taking things easy. I mean, I still had things to do (a work shift Tuesday and two appointments Wednesday in regards to my eating disorder recovery) but other than those things I stayed at home, read books, cuddled with the cat, and tried to let my body rest.

Oh, and I took AirBorne, I swear by that stuff.

Wednesday I thought I was pretty much better and I’d be able to go to the gym Thursday, Thursday came though and omg I think I am getting worse. My voice is kinda going. My sinuses are doing worse (plugged and runny nose at the same time, super annoying!), I’m cold, can’t focus, basically a lot of the symptoms of, oh I don’t know, a sick person.

So tomorrow, because I can’t find someone to cover my shift I will be that person who goes to work sick, and spreads her germs. Ugh.

In regards to my eating disorder, getting sick like this does not help me at all. Well, unless you listen to my eating disorder, it is practically doing hand stands because of how little I am able to eat when sick.

Even when not sick I suck at following a meal plan but I try to eat twice a day…which depending on where you are in recovery sounds like not enough or way too much. To me it still sounds like too much, but I try really hard to manage it. It took a while to build up to that much food in one day and I don’t really like it, shrug.

When sick any thought of following a meal plan basically goes right out the window. My appetite disappears, nothing tastes right, I have even less interest in food. Most of my brain thinks these are all great things but the part of me that is learning shit in recovery knows that these aren’t great things.

My ed brain says:

Eating broth and drinking tea is a totally acceptable thing to do. One bowl of broth is definitely a days worth of calories.

My recovery side says:

Not enough food dumb ass.

My ed brain says:

You’re sick, you don’t have to eat when you’re sick. Don’t worry about it.

My recovery side says:

The less you eat the harder it is for your body to get better. You need nutrients to get better. Eat something!

My ed brain says:

If you’re going to eat something then you’re going to ruin all the benefits of being sick. Think of how quickly you’re losing weight right now. Think of how easy it is because you don’t have an appetite because you’re sick. Why throw that away? Be strong! Don’t eat! You don’t need food! But if you do eat then you might as well binge because you’re a failure, a loser who can’t manage the simple task of not eating. You don’t deserve to be skinny. You don’t deserve to get to your goal. If you’re going to eat then eat something ridiculous, something high calorie, something that will make you feel bloated, and overly full, and gross, because you deserve to feel all those things if you eat, because you failed.

My recovery side says:

It says nothing. Because it is barely a whisper in my mind on my best days and it can’t stand up to my ed brain when it is on a roll.

So here I am, sick. I did manage a meal the other day that had all 4 food groups in it. A small meal. Probably it is classified as more of a snack, but to me it is a meal. And a win.

Today…not so much.

Today I ate soup, though I had two bowls instead of one, which I guess counts for something. And I had some bread, because I am weak and I like bread…but is it weak that I like bread and choose to eat it or is it ok to eat something I like, in moderation…I question this but I know what I feel the answer is, it is weak, and I am weak for eating the bread. Just because I like it doesn’t mean I should eat it. I like a lot of things I don’t eat anymore. Bread is useless calories, unnecessary food, I should really get rid of it, sigh.

I weighed myself today and am down 3 pounds in three days. Which the majority of me is thrilled about, but also terrified I will screw up and as a result of the terror my brain has been screaming at me all day to not eat ever again or those three pounds will pile back on with a whole bunch more. But ya know what, I ate the soup anyways, so fuck you voice!

Oh god, I don’t mean it, I do mean it, I don’t know what I mean. I’m so confused.

I don’t want to be a lost cause to my recovery team. I don’t want to be one of those people who they feel is beyond their help and is let go so someone more deserving can be given help. I think I am one of those people though, and they’ll figure it out soon, and I’ll be left alone to deal with what is in my head, and I will fold to the ed and stop fighting even the small amount I am fighting, and I’ll be screwed.

You know, this post was going to be about how I lost three pounds in three days and isn’t that so great? But apparently I have other shit on my mind right now…who knew something could be bigger in my head then a lower number on the scale? This cold must be really messing with my brain. *rolls eyes*

The Pain

Can a person cause physical damage to their stomach, or other parts of their digestive system by the size, or speed, or length, of their binge eating session?

I binged last night. And not like a smallish, sorta manageable, have less guilt after, the next day seems normal, kind of binge. Ooooh no. Yesterday’s binge was a take no prisoners, leave no food behind, cause all the bodily pain and discomfort possible, feel all the guilt, have physical problems the next day kind of binge.

I have been feeling sick all day. Sick to my stomach. Sore throat. Headache. Trouble thinking. Distended abdominal area. Inability to eat. Painful abdominal area. Constipation. All of it and then some!

I wanted to call in sick to work today but couldn’t. Then I toyed with going in but saying I was sick and leaving early but I couldn’t do that either. We were short staffed and there was no one to come in. Plus, it is a stat today and I really need the time and a half. So I looked at being there as my punishment for my binge.

It was the longest 8 hours. After work I went for an hour fast walk with a work friend, then I showered and met for a meeting with two other people. During all of that I was feeling sick. I guess I looked it because people asked me if I was ok, when I said I wasn’t feeling well they said they could tell…which is the polite way of saying someone looks like crap. *rolls eyes*

It is almost 11pm, it has been over 24 hours since my binge, and I still hurt. My stomach is still distended. My abdominal area looks like it gained back all the weight I have lost! Not even an exaggeration, it is disgusting. I still feel sick to my stomach. My throat hurts because my stomach was so full yesterday stomach acid was coming up my esophagus. My mouth has been creating more saliva than normal, what’s with that?

Is it possible to cause physical damage from your binge session? Like, can you hit an overload point where your stomach just says “fuck it” and stops working because I feel like the food is still sitting there and it is causing me so many problems.

I am so mad at myself, so incredibly disappointed. I don’t know why I did it, but I sure as shit regret it. I need this pain and sickness to go away. I need the abdominal area to go back to being smaller. I need this to clear up because all I can think about, all I experience, all I feel, is connected to that binge and lemme tell ya, that is putting my head in a dark place I am not sure I know how to get out of.

Whyyyyy did I have to decide to quit my laxatives and other purging methods? I want to take a pill to move this whole thing along so badly buuuut I don’t want to feel guilt over caving and taking something when I am at a record length of time not using any of those methods. Plus, the last time I used them they caused similar physical sensations, bloated, painful abdominal area, weight gain, sick to stomach feeling. I’m scared taking them will make all of my physical problems even worse instead of better.

I am so frustrated I want to cry.

Think an er would pump my stomach and fix this problem if I lied and said I overdosed on something? I did technically overdose, on food, that’s a thing, right?

Back To Restricting

I don’t know about you but I work well with a deadline. If the deadline is far away then it might as well not exist, it has no impact on me, but if it is close and looming over me I am awesome at doing whatever needs to be done.

My newest deadline, well, newest big deadline, is Dec 21 when I go back home for Christmas. I live a province away from all my family so I spend most of the year away from their prying eyes. You’d think this would be great but the stress of going back home usually has me binge eating in the weeks leading up to a visit so I feel like every time I go back I am huge and being judged on my weight. I hate it.

This time however I seem to be doing the opposite. I have been doing a really good job of restricting my calories aaaaaand I have bumped up my exercising so yay!

I think part of what is keeping me from binge eating is that I have a Christmas party coming up on Friday so no way do I want to binge before that, plus, I was super sick not yesterday Monday but the Monday prior and it took a while to get any sort of appetite back. The lack of appetite from being sick is what led me in to my newest bought of restricting. When I was recovering everything tasted weird and nothing settled in my stomach very well so I ate very little and I’ve managed to maintain that. 😀

I am reeeeeally hoping that after the party I will maintain my restrictive eating with as much ease as I have been able to this past week. I think it will be a bit of a struggle because of the stress of going back home but if I keep myself busy enough maybe I’ll be able to ignore that, or at least control it. 🙂

Camera 360

something about this picture captivates me…

Battling A Bug

My work is inundated with sick people and has been for the past month or so. On any given day there are approximately 10 people who are sick, in various stages of the flu. Staff and residents are catching it and so far we don’t seem to be able to control the spread of it all that well.

You’d think since the building is filled with adults we’d all be adept at washing our hands and staying out of public when sick but nope! *rolls eyes*

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling not right. I’m not sick but I think that is only because my immune system is somehow successfully fighting the bug. I’m feeling a bit run down, bit more tired than normal, the other day I thought for sure I was getting sick cause my throat hurt and my nose is sniffly but it hasn’t turned in to anything.

Any normal person would be happy they are managing to not get sick but not me, I want to catch this bug, why the hell haven’t I caught this bug yet?? sigh.

People who are catching this strain of the flu are unable to eat for days, some of them for a whole week! Even without eating they are throwing up, lucky bastards.

One of my co-workers got sick and she’s lost almost 10 pounds because of it. So here I am, purposefully standing beside people who are coughing or sneezing, not washing my hands (unless I’ve just gone to the bathroom or touched a dog or something), made sure I stay tired to weaken my immune system, walk in the cold rain, and nothing. Nothing!

It’s not fair. *pout*

If I could manage to catch this flu I could drop some weight super easy and with the way I am restricting now I know I could keep it off. I love when I get sick and it helps speed up my weight loss but it appears that this time the flu bug is going to skip over me and make me lose the weight the hard way.

Flat tummy!

Flat tummy!

Well That’s New

I’ve been sick for about two weeks now, I’m doing better but it was basically two weeks of omg-someone-kill-me-I-feel-like-shit, ugh. 😛

Normally when I am sick I lose weight super fast, which I loooooove! Hey, if I hafta be sick there might as well be some sort of benefit from it, right?

The reason I lose so much weight is because as soon as I am sick boom! appetite goes completely out of the window and I stop eating. I exist on apple juice and the occasional piece of toast (or something similar). It’s great!

It isn’t an on purpose thing, I don’t plan it, I just lose my appetite when sick, shrug. It’s my body’s choice and who am I to ignore my body?

This time though I didn’t lose nearly as much weight as I usually do. I think I lost a bit, clothes are fitting a bit looser but no where near as much as I am used to losing and what i was expecting to lose. 😦

This makes me quite sad, sigh.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I didn’t lose as much as I usually do and my conclusion is that I have been restricting my food so much even when healthy that when I got sick and my food intake went even lower it wasn’t that big of a shock to my body because I had already been eating super small amounts.

I don’t know how to feel about that, on the one hand yay! that I’ve been restricting so much and so well but on the other hand, boo! that I didn’t lose the weight when sick.

I’m revamping my eating and exercise plan starting tomorrow. i’m hoping the changes will get me results. i’m not going to post the deets about what I am doing until I know if they work or not, if they do then I’ll share, if they don’t then no point in wasting your time having you read something that didn’t end up working, shrug.

Wish me luck! 🙂

so true!

so true!