Tag Archives: scale

Numbers

It’s all just a numbers game.

What do I weigh? What are my measurements? How many calories did I eat? How many calories did I burn? How many hours did I sleep? How many hours did I spend in various recovery groups this week? How many times a day do I struggle with my eating disorder?

I’m not going to sit here and list the numbers for you. But the above questions are numbers I think about often.

I am terrified of the scale. I know a lot of people with eating disorders weigh themselves obsessively, hell, I used to be one of them, but I am so scared of the number the scale will show that I can’t bring myself to step on it.

You might think this is a good thing but in actuality it means I spend a ridiculous amount of time wondering what I weigh. I will think I know, and beat myself up for how fat I am. I will convince myself I have gained ten pounds in the past week and that I am so huge I shouldn’t be seen in public and none of my clothes will fit or look good, and if I hadn’t skipped that one gym session, or hadn’t eaten that one meal, then I wouldn’t be as fat as I am now. And then the thoughts get mean.

There are weight restrictions for one of my jobs though so no matter what, once a month I have to stand on a scale.

Today I had to not only stand on a scale but take full body measurements – not for work, for something else. I then have to repeat the process on the last day of March to show improvement. Which of course means I am freaking out because what if I don’t show improvement? What if instead of getting in to a bit better shape I just get fatter? Oh my god please don’t let me get fatter, I won’t be able to handle it.

So now I know my weight aaaaaand all my body measurements and my head has been spinning with those numbers all day.

See, when I step on the scale the result goes one of two ways:

(1) the number is higher than what I can stand seeing and I immediately start restricting even more and working out even harder to fix it

(2) the number is lower than I was expecting, I am happy (even though I want it even lower), and I become terrified of screwing up and having the number go up, so I start restricting even more and working out even harder to make sure I don’t screw up the loss

Not really great responses huh?

Today I stood on the scale with the full knowledge of what the scale said in January, sure that it was up ten pounds from that number because dammit I know my body and I know I have gotten fatter. *stomps foot*

The number was ten pounds lower than my weight in January. Ten pounds lower. But I was 100% sure I was up. So how could I be down? The scale must be broken, obviously! So I reset it and tried again. Still ten pounds down.

So, yay?

I mean yay, I am happy I lost weight, obviously, but um, I was so sure I’d gone up, it was like I didn’t know what to do with this information.

Now, before anyone worries, I am not someone who is underweight, or even near to being underweight, so losing ten pounds isn’t a dangerous thing for me. Trust me, I still have a lot of cushion on this body, unfortunately.

Then I took my measurements. They don’t have as big of an effect on me as I was never much of a measurement focused person. I am curious to see how they change in a month though, but not in a “they must get to a certain number” type of way, just a general curiosity.

Weird how I can be so affected by the scale number but not so much by the measuring tape numbers huh?

Seeing that I was down, after I started to believe it, had me immediately thinking of what foods to cut out, and how much to cut out, and how much I can increase my exercise, to not screw this up. I am convinced it is some weird fluke and won’t last unless I am super careful.

But…that reaction goes against what I am learning in recovery, sigh. Also, I had my team practice tonight and in my one-on-ones we talked about how I need to properly fuel my body for when I work out and when I have my sports practices because if I don’t fuel my body I can’t perform to my best ability and I increase my chances of getting hurt. So I try to make sure I eat an hour and a half or so before any work out or activity that I take part in. It sucks, and is hard, but I try…I don’t always succeed, in case you were wondering lol

Today I had no excuse to not eat before practice, but I was thinking I could eat just that small meal before practice and nothing else, cause that would be ok, right? Ok, wrong, I know wrong, but it still feels right.

Brace yourself, are you sitting down? Because not only did I eat around 1:30 pm, I also ate at 5:30 pm (my pre practice meal), aaaaand when I got home after practice I ate something around 11 pm. That is three times in one day eating food! And ok, granted, not all food groups were included at each meal, and the word meal might be an ambitious use of the word since each time the food quantity was kinda low, but the fact that I ate three times should count for something, right? Maybe…I dunno…maybe I am stretching here, sigh.

For someone who hates math my head sure has a lot of numbers in it lol

I don’t really know where I was going with this post, except that I have nobody I can share the news that I lost ten pounds with, and nobody to share the news that I ate three times in one day with, and I just wanted to say it somewhere, out loud, even if it is actually being typed not spoken.

 

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The Scale

The scale is whack yo.

Yes, apparently I am a 90’s, white boy from suburbia who thinks he is cool today…

Ok not really.

But the scale is pretty fucked up. Or is it me?

My “official” weigh-in is Thursdays. I go to a WW meeting and stand on a scale and if I am asked by someone that week what I weigh, that number is the one I will give. I do however weigh myself at home, often.

My home scale and the WW scale don’t ever match. My home scale usually has me one pound lower than the WW scale, sometimes a pound and a half. You don’t know how fucking irritating it is to see a number on my scale at home the morning of weigh-in and then get to weigh-in and see it up by 1 to 1.5 pounds. Even though I know that increase will be partly due to my clothes, and the humidity in the weigh-in room, and that I hadn’t just right the second before stepping on that scale gone to the bathroom, it doesn’t matter. It pisses me off that my “official” weigh-in is higher than my home scale.

Anyways!

I’m getting on to a tangent, sorry…

So, I knew last Thursday my weight would be up, it wasn’t a great week for me food and exercise wise. There was way more food than there should have been and nowhere near the amount of exercise there should have been and all that results in my becoming an even fatter version of myself.

Lovely.

Two days before my official weigh-in I pulled out the metabolism boosters. I had put them in the back of a cupboard thinking I could stop using them. Apparently I was wrong.

Took some of those.

Then the day before weigh-in I stopped eating so I would be in a state of fasting when I got to the scale and I took some laxatives. I had also put those in the back of the cupboard thinking I could stop using them. You’re probably not shocked to hear I was wrong about that also.

The thing is, I know taking the laxatives isn’t a guaranteed method for helping me before a weigh-in. The box says within 6 hours of taking them I’ll be relieving myself but that timeline never pans out for me.

For me, I ended up going to weigh-in with abdominal pain, I was gassy feeling, felt bloated, and I hadn’t gone to the bathroom.

Why do I take these things?? Or at least why do I wait to take them until the day prior? I should be taking them two days prior but noooooo, I pop em the day before weigh-in, essentially screwing myself over. Ugh.

So yeah, my official weigh-in had me up. Not shocking. It had me up a lot though which was disheartening.

I tried to convince myself it was because I wore a long shirt instead of a tank top, and that the humidity was killing me, and that I hadn’t pooped yet. But really, I ate bad that past week, and I didn’t exercise as much as normal, so the gain was deserved.

Later that same day the laxatives kicked in, yay! I still had abdominal pain but the being bloated and gassy went away after some toilet visits. That evening I stepped on the scale, I normally don’t step on it in the evening cause it messes with my head, but I wanted to see if the bathroom visits had made a difference.

They had not.

In fact, I was up even more than in the morning! I started freaking out, was the scale just going to keep going up and up and up? Was all that food cementing itself in to my fat cells never to leave my body?

I came up with a panicked plan about how to fix all this damage I did by eating the previous week. Not a rational normal person plan, but a back to eating no more than 700 calories a day and popping metabolism boosters like they are candy and exercising every single day sort of plan. Soooo, not a good plan. *rolls eyes*

But hey, do I get points for realizing it wasn’t a good plan?

Probably not…sigh.

I stepped on the scale again today (Friday). The day after my official weigh-in. I don’t know what I was expecting. I mean, yeah, I under ate yesterday, but one day of under eating wasn’t going to take away all that gain on the scale. I guess I just wanted to keep an eye on things.

Well holy shit, the scale changed, and it had gone down! It showed me back at the weight I was at 2 weeks ago.

Thank all the gods!

Now to not screw up the magical loss of those pounds so I can be down on my official weigh-in day next week…

I am not sure if I should villianize the pills because yes ok, they didn’t help me on weigh-in day but ultimately I was down by the day after, so maybe if I’d taken the metabolism boosters on the Monday and the laxatives on the Tuesday I would have had the Wednesday to be gassy etc, and then I might have been down for the Thursday weigh-in?

I don’t know. I get so confused.

Either way, I was in a pretty good mood today once I saw the scale number was down. Though I’m starting to worry about tomorrow and what it will say when I step on it then…seriously, does this cycle ever fucking end?

be perfect

Sticking To Restricting

For what feels like forever I have been binge eating. I used to be really good at restricting but somewhere along the way I hit a binge cycle that just wouldn’t quit. Even when I was at my most miserable and self-hating I couldn’t make myself stop binge eating. As a result I am now freakin huuuuuuuge! Ugh. 😦

I found myself trying to restrict but not doing a great job of it. I would restrict for a day or two, or maybe three or four, but then I would binge, and not just like, one binge session, but multiple binge sessions over the span of days which completely obliterated any weight loss I had managed to achieve while restricting.

I was stuck in that lovely cycle for quite a while.

However, over the past almost two weeks I have managed to maintain my restricting to the point that I am losing weight daily and feeling like this might be it, this might be the beginning of my new restricting cycle! And oh boy does that make me so incredibly happy! *fist pump*

While binge eating I stopped weighing myself all the time because it was depressing and after I would see the number I would lose all hope in getting skinny and end up in the kitchen. *rolls eyes* So I stuck with weighing myself on Wednesdays only.

Well…limiting myself to stepping on the scale only once a week is also a thing of the past because I weighed myself Wednesday, Thursday and today (it is Saturday) and each time I was a smaller number on the scale, yay! Since Wednesday I have lost 4.5 pounds! FOUR AND A HALF POUNDS PEOPLE!!!

Okay yeah I know, that isn’t some massive number or anything but it is just the beginning and talk about great motivation! This morning when I got up I wasn’t feeling great and was trying to decide if I should go to the gym right away or wait a bit and go later in the day. I stepped on the scale, saw I had gone down 2.5 pounds, got so happy I almost shed happy tears then immediately changed in to my gym clothes and hit the gym.

No way was I going to go make a cup of tea and sit in my apartment when I’d made such a great improvement in my scale number and I could be hightailing it off to the gym to burn even more fat off my body! 🙂 🙂

I am trying to temper my joy with the weight loss with a bit of reality though. I donated blood yesterday so it is most likely the loss of that pint that is resulting in my scale number being down 2.5 pounds since Thursday. My hope though is that with my continued restrictive eating plan and increase in exercise I won’t gain that weight back and in fact it will be a jumping off point to get me even lower in weight. Does that make sense?

Oh, and in case you are wondering why I was allowed to donate blood I made sure to eat something high in iron the night before so my hemoglobin levels would be in the appropriate range. I juuuuust barely made it in to the range though so if I donate again I’ll have to take some iron supplements or something for at least a couple days leading up to my appointment I think…ah well, you can only donate every 56 days or something so I don’t need to worry about it until November.

goodbye

Oh! And to make things even better I tried on a dress last night that I used to wear until I got too fat for it and it looks so much better! So the initial 5 pounds that I lost combined with the 4.5 pounds I just lost over the past 4 days have totally made a difference with some of my form fitting clothes! When I easily zipped the dress up and actually looked ok in it when I looked in the mirror I did a little happy dance lol I know, I’m such a geek. 😛 I can’t wait until I am skinny and actually look good in things instead of just ok!

sideways