Tag Archives: safe foods


Potassium? Who the fuck gives a care about potassium levels? Apparently doctors…but why? *rolls eyes*

I haven’t actually made it back to the doc’s office about the blood work test results but the whole reason I had to have them was because of an appointment set up with a shrink and to stay compliant with my recovery program.

The shrink took a look at the report and said I have high potassium.

I have nooooo idea how I have high anything, considering the amount of food I eat, but apparently I have high potassium.

I asked what I should cut out, he suggested bananas, I scoffed and said I don’t eat those…they used to be my favourite fruit but I haven’t eaten them in months, they ended up on my not safe food list, sigh.

He also asked if there are foods I don’t eat, I told him it would be easier to give him a list of the foods I do eat, since the “don’t eat” foods list is super long.

Turns out the meeting with him was for a psychiatric evaluation, which sounds terrifying, and makes me worried I’ll forever be labelled a crazy person. It took an hour and he asked a bit about practically every aspect of my life. He said the goal is to get a bit of information about everything and then go into more detail in follow-up sessions. Apparently I warrant follow-up sessions now…greeeeeeat…

My case worker sat in for the meeting, so there was a witness to this horribleness. He tried to get me to stand on a scale, like that was gonna happen! Ha! He also said I could tell him “no” if he asked about anything I really didn’t want to answer. There were a lot of questions I didn’t want to answer but I didn’t really say no to any of them…just sorta shut down and became less verbally responsive. Probably was shouting out like crazy with my body language though. Ugh. I irritate myself.

But yeah, so at the end of this appointment he pulled out the blood work results. They didn’t test for some stuff he wanted looked at so I get to go back in a week and get more blood taken, and get another ECG, fuuuuuck. Like I don’t have other things I am supposed to be doing?

Plus! I am supposed to cut out my protein drink to see if that is where my high potassium level is coming from. I don’t think it will be since I don’t drink them with any type of regularity. I had been trying to a while ago, but they are just so gross. Now I am basically trying to get through them so I don’t have to throw them all out and waste all that money. Since I am not adverse to drinking them calorie or nutrition wise I’d rather not pour them down the drain. If they had turned in to an unsafe food you can bet I’d have already poured them, waste of money or not. Oh the screwy logic that is mine lol

So one week of no protein drinks, then blood work and the ECG. I’m not sure what I am supposed to eat in place of the protein drink though. For all that I don’t drink them that often they do have a purpose when I do take them in and I don’t have anything I can swap in there. My list of safe foods is shrinking a little more every week and taking out one item makes a huge dent in what is available to me.

I dunno, I guess I’ll just go without, not like I couldn’t stand to cut out more calories, but I wish it had been my decision, and not one made for me…



What My Stomach Feels

This may seem strange to other people but…I don’t really know what the sensations my stomach sends out mean, at least not every time…do other people know how to decode the sensations they feel in their stomachs? I think they probably do, which just makes me a weirdo in yet another way. *rolls eyes*

I gained another pound this week. Last week I lost 0.4lbs so it is safe to say I am NOT impressed. I want to be going down in weight, not staying the same, or going up, and yet, if you average the month I stayed the same. sigh. I go up a little. I go down a little. I go up a little. I go down a little. You get the idea. It sucks!

I can’t find the correlation between what I am doing wrong and the weight gain, I mean ok sure I had a couple binges in there…maybe more than a couple, but I counteracted the binges with restricting days and increased activity so I thought things would be ok.

They are not ok.

So I made a promise to myself, which I already hate because I loathe people who break promises but oh man, this one is freakin hard and I shouldn’t have done it.

I promised myself that every single time I eat something I will eat along with that meal or snack either some fruit or some veggies. I haven’t been eating them very often because well, oh geez, the explanation might need its own paragraph…

Ok, so I tend to not eat fruits and veg not because I don’t like them but because they are not a safe food. You would think they would be safe right? I know a lot of people who have veggies for safe foods because they are low cal but I don’t track calories I track Weight Watcher points. In the land of WW fruits and veggies are 0 points, which means you can eat as many as you want and it doesn’t count against your daily points – your Daily Points being how much food you have to eat in a day. So say you eat a 3oz chicken breast and a cup of veggies, you count the chicken but not the veggies when tallying how many points of food you eat.

But! Just because something doesn’t have points in the land of WW doesn’t mean it doesn’t have calories! Or fat! Or carbs!

If I eat those zero point foods then I don’t have enough space in my stomach to eat food that has points. I also mentally can’t handle eating that much food. So…I cut the zero point food out of my world. Not an absolute cut them out, I eat a tiny bit of fruit and veg, but not very much. I figured I was doing a good thing, all those people on WW who eat their daily points worth of food aaaaand eat fruits and veggies, they are taking in waaaaay more calories than they realize! I was being smart, seeing the flaw and adjusting for it.

However, in my more rational moments I realize I am not eating a well balanced meal plan and maybe the lack of ya know, food groups, is affecting my weight loss?

My safe foods are:

oatmeal, PB2 (powdered peanut butter), bread (two slices a day max), protein pancakes, eggs (one a day max), egg whites (two a day max), turkey bacon (two slices a day max), light shredded cheese (20g max a day), plain chicken breasts (2 per week max), 3oz salmon (1-2 per week max), greek yoghurt OR light cottage cheese (2-3 times a week max)

This past week I was craving corn flakes like crazy so I snagged some from work and added those in to the rotation but otherwise, it doesn’t change much. Obviously I don’t eat all that food in one day, but that is what I rotate between.

So yeah…not really seeing fruit or veg in there. I was eating bananas for a while, I was on a real kick with them and ate one a day, and before the banana kick I was also eating apples, the occasional orange, but like I said, I had to stop because if I eat an orange I am full and can’t eat food that has points that I am supposed to track, which means I end up under my points for the day and according to the program rules that is really bad. Like, epic bad.

Back to my promise to myself…I am now swearing that for a week, every time I eat something I will also have a piece of fruit or some veggies.

So tonight after working out I ate veggies with my chicken…and then I didn’t know what my stomach was doing.

It felt weird, it was making noticeable sensations and I have nooooo idea what they meant. Did they mean I hadn’t eaten enough and was hungry? I decided no since I’d just eaten a full meal by anyone’s standards. Did it mean I cooked something wrong and was getting food poisoning? I decided no because I didn’t throw up. Did it mean I ate too much? Quite possibly, I’m not great at understanding portions. Did it mean I ate when I shouldn’t have? Also quite possible, except, I was back from working out for 2 hours and according to the rules of WW and of people who seem to have this normal eating thing figured out, I should be eating.

So what the hell?

My stomach is making all these weird sensations that I can feel, that are distracting me from the tv show I was trying to watch, that are making me get up and move around because I can’t stand to be feeling them, and I don’t know what they mean, and they are freaking me out!

It is so much easier when I don’t eat, I can identify the pain from not eating, the feeling of my stomach giving up on getting food that day, the feeling of being empty.

This? This sensation that came right after I ate, this I can’t identify and oh man I do not like it.

How do I make it stop??

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YouTube Food Videos

I watch a ridiculous amount of YouTube videos that are focused on food. Food prepping. Cooking. Meal plans. Binge eating sessions. Ana videos. Food documentaries. Name it, if it has something to do with food, I’ve probably watched it or a version of it.

When I watch the videos of people showing how they food prep so they have healthy meals ready for the upcoming week I always think “I can do that!” Buuuut the reality is I can’t. I don’t mean I physically can’t, and I’m sure I can find time in the week to set up a meal prep session, but I can’t commit to eating that much food, every day, for an entire week.

Who does that??

A lot of people apparently…

So I watch these videos, feel inspired, think I will try, and then do nothing.

Last night I was watching a “What I Eat In A Day” video (I love those!) and the girl made a smoothie I want to try. All it contained was frozen banana and milk.

I like foods that aren’t a combination of a lot of things, easier to track calories that way. And hey, two ingredients? Perfect!

Now she cut up two bananas the night before and put them in the freezer. The next day she put the two frozen, sliced, bananas in the blender and put “two splashes” of milk in there. She has been making this smoothie for so long she eyeballs the milk amount, I think she said it was 250 ml (1 Cup) of milk, I’ll have to double check that. After blending it is a thick, creamy, cold, smoothie and she swears it is delish. It sure looked delish.

I decided last night I wanted to try that smoothie. If it keeps me filled for a long time than it could be worth the calories, and I wouldn’t mind adding something new to my safe foods, something that is tasty, and easy to make. Plus, people see or hear that you are having a smoothie they automatically think it is healthy and that you are eating healthy so it will help throw people off the fact that I don’t eat all that much most days.

Of course I didn’t have bananas cause that would involve having fresh food in my place and I don’t have a lot of that because I don’t eat it and it goes bad and I can’t afford to spend money on food I don’t eat, shrug. When I was out today I bought bananas and this evening I sliced one, put it in a container and it is now in my freezer, awaiting tomorrow. I couldn’t bring myself to cut up two bananas cause eating (or in this case drinking) two bananas plus milk would be too many calories in one sitting but I think I can manage one banana and half the amount of milk used in the video, maybe…

I’m half excited and half dreading trying the smoothie tomorrow. I’m excited because I’ve been seeing a lot of videos using bananas to make smoothies and banana frozen yoghurt and all kinds of things and I want to try! But I’m also nervous and if I’m being honest a little scared to try it, what if I don’t like it and I’ve wasted those calories? What if I do like it but it doesn’t fill me up for long so I can’t have it again? And there is also just a general fear, fear of food, of new food, of expanding my safe foods because what if it is the beginning of a trend? What if I justify this becoming a safe food and then the day after I make something else a safe food because well, I made this smoothie a safe food so why not loosen the reigns and make something else safe to eat? This could be the beginning of a slipper slope!

I am trying to keep those fears in check, I am trying to not let them take over, to take this opportunity to try a new food away from me. I am trying to stay optimistic, to think that this could turn out to be tasty, and filling, and a new way to eat without feeling like I am eating because I am actually drinking and it could help stop me from eating something higher in calories.

It is hard, it is easier to believe the fear, but I’m trying to not let the fear win, if for no other reason than to not waste the money I spent on the bananas.


I Am A Fraud


I am a liar. I am a fraud. I am not who you should be emulating or admiring or giving positive re-enforcement to. And yet…

I have a different blog, a positive blog about healthy weight loss. I used to believe what I wrote on that blog. I actually did the things I wrote about. Things like losing weight gradually, eating a healthy balanced diet, daily exercise…and it worked, for a while. Then I hit a plateau that I couldn’t break through no matter how healthy I was. I stayed like that for a while, at a supposed healthy weight, glad I wasn’t as fat as I used to be but miserable because I wanted to be skinnier and nothing I did made that happen.

I got depressed, went off my eating plan, didn’t exercise as much, started starving myself, making lists of safe foods and foods I could never ever touch but I failed at that. I couldn’t even starve myself properly, I suck. So I started binge eating. I would go for days and days with hardly any food intake then boom! I’d cave, because I am weak and pathetic, and I’d eat something horrible for me. I don’t mean sorta bad, I mean HORRIBLE!!!! Like an entire cinnamon bun, or cookies, or cereal, or ice cream. I’m disgusting. 

Now I’m in a cycle I can’t break, I don’t know if I want to break it, I don’t know how it can be broken without me getting fatter and that I can’t allow. But I need an outlet for what I really think and feel while I am in this cycle. My other blog, I still post in it on a regular basis. I have dedicated readers who ask me advice, who read what I have written and apply it to their weight loss journey. There is a whole network of people out there who are losing weight in so called healthy ways and it is working for them but it stopped working for me. I don’t belong to that community anymore, but I am still in it, like that kids story about the ugly duckling, the swan being with all the ducks but not belonging, except I won’t turn in to a swan, at the rate I’m going I’ll be this fat girl forever. 

I’m not looking for someone to pat me on the head and say everything will be ok, I’m not looking for someone to make me all better (whatever that means), this isn’t a cry for help. This blog is so I can write what I am really going through, sort through all the crap that is in my head, record what I do and don’t eat, what I do and don’t do for exercise, when I purge because I just can’t stand what or how much I ate. 

I am embarking on a weight loss journey I can’t mention in my other blog because that blog is read by my friends, family, people I don’t know but who somehow look to me for help in their weight loss. I can’t tell the truth there because I will be letting them down, be opening myself up to their criticism, their judgments. I already know I am a disappointment but I can’t face the idea of them knowing that. 

So here is what I do that no one knows about, I calorie restrict to extreme amounts, I starve, I binge, I purge, I exercise to extremes, I take laxatives, I take extra fiber, I take vitamins so I don’t have to eat food, I hide from everyone what I do and don’t eat, I drink diet coke/water/tea in excess so I don’t eat, I constantly search out new thinspiration images and I wish I had the willpower to be anorexic. 

This blog will be the only place I can tell the truth, the only place I can say what I need to say without being judged by those I know. I don’t know what if anything I expect to get from this blog except the cathartic release of typing out the feelings and thoughts that fill up my chest to bursting, that I choke on everytime I have to deal with food, that stalk me through out the day and make me want to run on a treadmill or hike up a mountain all in the hopes of escaping the pressure.

All I want is to be skinny and that seems to be a thing I will never be able to get.