Tag Archives: ribs

A Clean Bill

I wrote the other day about being worried about a thing on my back that may or may not be a sign of cancer.

Happy to report that while the doc says we’ll keep an eye on it…or rather she will since it’s on my freakin back and hard to see!…I don’t need to be worried about it.


On a random note, is it messed up that leading up to the appointment I couldn’t figure out which I was more worried about…the possibility of cancer or having someone see me without a shirt on?

I am single af, have been for a long time, the only parts of me people see are the ones socially acceptable to be showing when out in public, so arms, sometimes legs, shoulders, some cleavage…let’s just say I don’t flash a lot of skin ok?

So leading up to the appointment I was super focused on what I was gonna wear (button up fleece), reminding myself to make sure I shaved my armpits that day (I mean, I don’t let myself get hairy or anything but still! If I’m gonna freak out about one thing I might as well freak out about all things lol), and trying to figure out if I would be able to just slip the shirt down a bit without taking it off…fyi, not possible.

The doctor actually pulled the whole shirt off, while I’m standing there trying to oh so subtly keep it partially in place lol She wanted to see my entire back, I guess if you’re gonna check out a possible cancer spot you might as well check out the whole back…and then the front cause dude, she turned me around and was looking at my front…thank god I wore a pretty bra!…which yes, was another thing I kept reminding myself to do lol

I didn’t share any of my worries at my groups on Monday, not because I think they aren’t a safe environment, but because I didn’t want people I have to see face-to-face to know what was going on. Either it would be cancer and I didn’t want to deal with pity, or I wouldn’t have cancer and I’d come across as a hypochondriac. All I mentioned was I was stressed about something that was happening on Tuesday and distracted, and left it at that. Thankfully nobody pressed about it.

Another kind of random thing from the doc’s appointment, I think she was checking to see how visible my ribs were…once she was done checking my skin for scary things she sat me down and was all “how are you doing” in a serious voice. She never asks me shit like that. I said fine cause, well, what else am I gonna say? She also said I could come in on a regular basis so she could check my skin since my risk of cancer is so high my skin should be monitored. Ugh. Won’t that be fun? *rolls eyes*

But for now I’m going to be happy that all is good skin cancer scare wise and go prep for meal support tomorrow. I hate meal support, which oddly enough, is why I go lol I’ll explain that another day!


Meal Support

One of the weekly groups that my recovery program offers is Meal Support. Basically, you take in a well balanced meal, eat it within 20 minutes in a room with other people, then you have to hang out for a while (I can’t remember how long) playing a game or working on a puzzle or some other lame activity that is supposed to keep you occupied.

When I was first told of it I dismissed it out of hand. I am fat, obviously I don’t have a problem with eating, so why go sit in a room with other people and eat? I don’t need that kind of help.

The next time I was told of it I asked some questions, then said nope. It doesn’t sound like a thing I need.

And the trend continued.

Then the other week my nutritionist called to reschedule a meeting with her I had cancelled and mentioned that our meeting would end just in time for me to go to Meal Support. I scoffed, said no thanks. She said it would be a good way to challenge myself, and to think about it.

That irritated me. Challenge myself? Am I not already doing that? Well, okay, maybe I’m not challenging myself all that much since I still engage in pretty much all of my restricting behaviours but whatever, that is besides the point.

So I went back and forth on if I would go or not.

Then a friend said something to me that needs a whole post of its own to get in to but really rubbed me the wrong way. What she said, combined with the whole “challenge yourself” thing left me thinking I am not trying hard enough, not doing enough, not working at recovery as much as I should be, so I decided fuck it, I will go to Meal Support.

At one time, when I thought about it, before I decided no, I thought maybe somewhere in the future I would go, but I’m not ready for it right now. I still don’t think I am ready for it…

I had drop-in group last night and one of the two people who run that session is one of the people that run Meal Support so I spoke to her about what exactly I am expected to bring to eat.

I am supposed to bring something from every food group. I am not allowed to bring anything “diet” and I am not allowed to have a salad as my main food component. She suggested I bring a sandwich, a fruit, a yogurt, oh and that the sandwich have protein in it.

That is a fuck lot of food to eat in one sitting.

I asked if my yogurt counted as dairy and fruit since it is a strawberry yogurt…she said no. sigh. It only counts as dairy.

Now I don’t know what to do. I can’t eat that much food in one sitting, let alone in 20 minutes. And it didn’t dawn on me until the other day that I do everything possible to avoid eating in front of other people. Plus, when I do eat, the only way I manage it is to be watching tv or be on social media, I need constant distraction to eat, and I don’t think I will get that tomorrow.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to wimp out and not go. I don’t want to go and have to eat all that food in front of people. I don’t want to fail at yet another part of recovery. I don’t want to ruin my restricting streak by eating all those foods in one day.

I’ve been so good with my restricting lately, I’ve dropped another couple pounds. I can see individual ribs now and I don’t want to lose that. Don’t think I am skinny or something, I am losing weight weird so my tummy, hips and thighs are still disgustingly huge. But some parts of me are getting smaller, mostly around my rib area, and my arms, and my boobs, sigh. Why the boobs? Whyyyyy? šŸ˜‰

So yeah, I am stressing about this right now, wondering what to do tomorrow, what is going to happen, what will it be like, stuff like that…I am not enjoying this sensation, this butterflies in my tummy, trouble breathing, super nervous, sensation.

I don’t want to go to Meal Support.

But you know that saying:

Feel the fear, and do the thing anyways.

Maybe the fear I am feeling is not fear because of danger and it is keeping me safe. Maybe it is fear that I should fight against and I’ll come out stronger on the other side.

Although, right now, it feels like overwhelming fear that has me panicked and wanting to hide and wondering if I will survive tomorrow, because right now I feel like tomorrow is gonna kill me.

New Bones

Last week I noticed that the rib bones on the top part of my chest (above my breasts) are more visible. I don’t know when exactly that happened, it isn’t an area I focus on a lot, and I never thought I was fat there before but now that I can clearly see the bones there I wonder how I didn’t notice I had extra fat there.

Was I oblivious?

I think it is more that my collarbones are fairly prominent and I’m more concerned about the extra fat on my abdominal area and thighs. Gotta prioritize ya know?

So yeah…I’ve been losing more weight, yay! and gained new bones, yay! and I have massive amounts of fear that I will screw this up and lose them, boo!

Lose them…like they will fall out of my body or something *rolls eyes* Losing them would be having them once again hidden under dreaded fat. But seriously, why couldn’t the fat have come off other areas first? sigh.

For days after I noticed the new bones I was happy, I wished I had someone to share this new development with but not like there is anybody to tell. So I stayed quiet about it and hugged the news to myself, using it to boost my mood when I started to get a bit down. I also used it as motivation for restricting even more and helping to bolster my will power when tempted to eat.

Pretty fucked up huh?

I didn’t think it was all that noticeable to other people, I generally wear not high neck tops but not low ones either, so the area is covered up for the most part but something odd happened. I went to work and three different managers took time to sit down with me, give me some serious eye contact, and ask if I was ok.

Strange huh?

There is one person who knows a bit of what I go through, she doesn’t understand and keeps telling me to “just eat already!” but someone who knows a little bit is better then not having anybody, I guess…I’m not really sure…but in theory it is better. So yeah, she is a friend at work and I got paranoid that she ratted me out to management but I asked her about it and she swears she didn’t. She thinks they sat me down to talk because my initial weight loss was a “wow, how awesome” kind of thing but has gone too far and is now a “she’s getting too skinny” kind of thing. I don’t believe her, she is definitely exaggerating because I am nowhere near skinny enough to look like someone who anyone should worry about. I still have too much fat on me in too many places. But the timing sure was odd.

My initial happiness about the new chest bones has faded. I’m still happy about them, and I look at them in the mirror every day to make sure they aren’t getting hidden under fat again, but life gets in the way and other things have over ridden the happy emotions I got after first noticing the bones.

A friend died, and I’m not handling it well. I’m binge eating like crazy, which is making me more paranoid about losing the bones, which drives me to take more diet pills and laxatives, which gives me abdominal pain, which leads me to not eat because of the pain, which leads to me feeling too many emotions and stuffing my face to squash the emotions, which starts the cycle up all over again.

It sucks.

I was watching an old tv show on YouTube, it is about teens who go to a ranch for therapy instead of detention. It is from the late 80s or early 90s I think. I’ve been binge watching it and there was an episode where a girl has an eating disorder and also is super athletic and she had a heart attack because of an electrolyte imbalance and being near starved to death…though the actress they cast doesn’t look at all anorexic…but since you can’t always tell from looking at a person maybe that is why they cast her…ok not the point…

It got me wondering thought, about health side effects from eating disorders. I always think that the negative health stuff only happens to anorexics who are super under weight. I’m not gonna have electrolyte issues, or heart attacks, or whatever else might happen because there is still too much fat on me. I haven’t reached that level of danger. But maybe that is wrong? I dunno. I know I get chest pains, and sometimes shortness of breath from activities that shouldn’t cause me to be short of breath, but that is a far cry from actual heart issues.

I should probably ask my case worker at our next meeting but I think it is gonna be bad enough having to admit I started using my pills again. I can’t see a conversation that organically grows from that admission to “can I have heart issues even though I’m still so fat?”. It was bad enough the other week when I hadda talk to her about my self-harm action. *rolls eyes*

Something I don’t get about her, she hasn’t yelled at me yet. I keep waiting for her to get exasperated, or mad, or just plain yell or order me to do or not do something, but she always talks to me in a calm, patient, voice. Its weird.

This post is kinda all over the place. But so is my brain right now so I guess the post is a good reflection of the inside of my head.

I was supposed to work today but I called in sick. I had abdominal pains so it was a legit reason for calling, but during the day I realized I was acting odd…sorta numb, sad, depressed. I wanted to eat everything and anything but I wasn’t hungry, in fact the abdominal pain I had made eating rather unpleasant. I think it is a reaction to finding out about my friend dying…I was told yesterday and lemme tell ya, after I was told, the rest of my day did not go well. I was all over the place emotionally, mostly mad, but with burst of overwhelming sadness thrown in there for good measure. I just couldn’t face people today.

I’m so mad. Mad that he is dead. Mad that I’m going to have to deal with people at work talking about it for the next week. Mad I didn’t get to say goodbye. Mad that I let myself get attached.

Just. Mad.

That anger is driving pretty much everything I am doing right now. It drove me to eat two desserts today that I definitely didn’t need, or even want. It is currently driving me to not eat anything more until tomorrow as punishment for eating the desserts. It is why I keep punching the wall. Why I took my diet pills today, I wanted the stomach pain they would give me.

I feel like I deserve the pain. My inability to control my eating today means I earned pain, and punishment. I feel like I am being torn apart inside and it makes me want to scream that no one who sees me can tell. Is it because people don’t really look at people any longer or because I am that good at hiding what is really going on inside me. Does it matter which reason it is? Not really. The result is the same.

I hurt. I don’t mean the pain from the pills. I mean me, my heart, it hurts. My body hurts from how I treat it, my heart hurts because I was stupid enough to let it get attached to some people and one of them is now dead.

Death. It is so fucking final. I hate that I’ll never hear his voice anymore. I hate that no one will ever call me the nickname he called me. I hate that we’ll never joke around, and I’ll never read anymore stories that he wrote, I hate that we’ll never talk movies or books or stuff happening in the world. I hate that he is gone, and I especially hate that I am so fucking selfish that I keep thinking that his being gone means I am even more alone.





Now I’ve gone and done it, I’ve gone and gotten a crush on a guy I have no hope in hell of ever dating. sigh.

I work with him, so strike one since I will never ever date a guy I work with. He’s super fit, so strike two cause no way he would ever want anything to do with someone who looks like me. There must be a strike three…I just can’t think of it right now lol

I’m not sure why I’m crushing on him, he’s not my normal type but I suppose the why doesn’t really matter.

Part of me is kinda shocked this has happened, I still think a lot about my ex, I didn’t think I had it in me to be liking someone else and yet…here I am…I tried dating someone else a little bit ago and found myself constantly comparing him to my ex which isn’t fair to either of us so I let it flounder.

But now I’m wondering if maybe I am ready to move on, or at least think about moving on. How do you know?

Maybe I’m crushing on him because I know it is safe to, I know nothing will ever happen between us so why not think about him? Or maybe it happened because I am so busy I never meet anybody new so out of the available pool of guys in my life he’s the best of the choices? If that’s the case then crushing on him is still a safe bet cause that’s no way to pick a person to date.

Not that I’m wanting to date right now, but now I’m thinking about it and how it’s nice having someone think about you and care about you…it’s great right up until they toss you away cause you don’t look right, ugh, why am I even thinking about it? I know no guy will want near me till I’ve gotten thinner and look better on their arm. It must be cause it’s summer, don’t stats say people date more in summer?

I am captivated by her ribs

I am captivated by her ribs



a thing of beauty

a thing of beauty

One part of my body that I actually like is my collarbone area. Why you ask? Because it is bony and everytime I look in the mirror I push my shoulders in a bit and make the collarbone stand out and I just stare in rapture because there is one little part of me that looks good.

I want the bones. I want all the bones! The hipbones. TheĀ vertebraeĀ column. The ribs, man I can’t wait for the ribs! I lust after them so much. I know I will be skinny enough once I can stand naked in front of a mirror and see bones.

For now I have the collarbone. While it’s not enough to make me happy, it can stop me from spiraling down in to total despair. I figure, if I can manage to get those ones to stick out then for sure I can get the rest, right?

One part of me that is naturally thin are my wrists. I take them as a sign that I am supposed to be super skinny but have fucked it up over the years and now have to get it back. I can wrap my thumb and my pinky around my wrist and have them meet. I want to have them meet and have wiggle room between the closed circuit of my finger and thumb and my wrist, Ā but again, for now, that is at least something I can look at and use to give me hope.

When I’m contemplating food and am stressing about it I tend to touch my fingers to my collarbone and feel the bone. That helps me to not eat because I am so scared of losing the bony feeling.

One day I will be all bone, and I will be beautiful, and someone will love me, and I’ll be so good at resisting food I won’t have to work so hard at it anymore, and I will be happy.

I’m really looking forward to that day. šŸ™‚