Tag Archives: restrictive eating

Out Of My Routine

I think most people end up following some sort of routine, even if they hate routines and they try to avoid them, by trying to avoid them they end up in them, even if only minimally.

I do not like routines and schedules and yet I find myself following them when it comes to my food.

I don’t think much about it, I guess I just kind of follow my food routine by rote, but then something big changes and that is when I realize just how much I rely on my food routine / schedule to keep me from screwing up food wise or freaking out about what to eat or when to eat or how much to eat.

Tomorrow I am going out of town, only overnight so its not like it is some crazy big trip but I’m already trying to figure out how to handle all the food situations I may find myself in, and oh boy I think there will be many!

I’m meeting up with a friend, she lives in a small town a couple hours from me, and the plan that was hatched involved us going out for a night of drinking and partying and more drinking, then crashing at her place for a bit before going for brunch Saturday mid-morning.

When we made the plans I thought they’d be those plans that never actually happen so I wasn’t worried about it but somehow they are going from theory to reality and uh, crap.

The alcohol alone will kill me calorie wise but add to that the food she will want to eat before we go out, and then eat while out drinking, then eat the next day at brunch…that is a hella lot of food!

So far I have come up with very few ways to get out of eating…

I plan to say I ate before driving up if she suggests food before going out, so at least that should save me from one meal but when out and drinking I dunno…I guess if I am with it enough to remember to say this I can tell her the alcohol is making me feel queasy, or something along that line…and for brunch I suppose I could say I am too hungover to want to eat.

Thing is, she knows I handle my alcohol pretty well, and she knows I don’t get hungover to the point I can’t eat so she might wonder what is going on…I can lie convincingly but I don’t like the idea of planning ahead to lie to her face…something that sucks about having an ed that people don’t think about is how much lying you end up doing, to people you don’t want to lie to, on a regular basis. The little lies become so common you don’t think about them much anymore, but something like what is coming up, when you find yourself planning lies in advance to tell a close friend over the span of 24 hours or so, it makes me feel…unhappy with who I have become. Maybe that’s just me though, shrug.

eating out

skirt

 

Advertisements

Blathering

I don’t have much to say right now, but I want to be writing on here…

…it’s late and I’m tired and I hurt but the pain won’t be fixed until my surgery in February and I’m sick of hurting and I’ve gained 2.4 pounds so I’m freaking out and my mom will be here soon so I’m freaking out about that and I ate a chocolate bar yesterday so omg am I freaking out about that and I’m sad for no real reason and I want things to be different but I don’t know how to make them different and I want to not feel so alone even though I know I am one of those people who is meant to be alone the majority of the time and is usually ok with that but not tonight I’m not and I can’t find my pain meds but I could find even if blindfolded all my different laxatives and I want to take them because of gaining 2.4 pounds but even though the scale says I am bigger I think I actually look slimmer in the mirror which makes no sense and is freaking me out because obviously I can’t trust my eyes or my mirror and I’m trying desperately to not go on a restricting or binge eating cycle because they last a long time and my mom will be here in less than two weeks and I won’t be able to hide that kind of behaviour from her so I can’t let myself start it now when I’ll have to stop it earlier than it would naturally want to end but omg 2.4 pounds might as well be 20 pounds I’m so fat and my mom is gonna comment sooo many times when here about how big I am but I can’t get mad at her cause she is here to help me post-op so I’ll have to nod my head and agree and try to figure out how to tune her out and is it wrong that I am already looking forward to the meds I will have when recuperating because I know I can use them then to bliss out but also could save them and get high later and sometimes I really want a way to escape being fully aware of what is going on in my body and my life and what better way than with high dosage pain pills except I know that isn’t an answer so I can’t let myself rely on them and sometimes I think the only reason I am not a functioning alcoholic is because I can’t stand to drink my calories and I’m still managing to eat one to two actual normal people type meals a day and that is probably why I am getting fatter and I should stop but I thought eating like that was supposed to be good for me but I can’t exercise cause of the lead up to surgery at least nothing intense so I probably should stop eating to make up for the lack of exercise but my brain can’t decide which way I should go and I keep seeing the number 2.4 flash in my head and I’m sooooo tired so I think I’ll try to sleep and maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and things might be a bit better…

so hard

hiding emotions

Back To Restricting

I don’t know about you but I work well with a deadline. If the deadline is far away then it might as well not exist, it has no impact on me, but if it is close and looming over me I am awesome at doing whatever needs to be done.

My newest deadline, well, newest big deadline, is Dec 21 when I go back home for Christmas. I live a province away from all my family so I spend most of the year away from their prying eyes. You’d think this would be great but the stress of going back home usually has me binge eating in the weeks leading up to a visit so I feel like every time I go back I am huge and being judged on my weight. I hate it.

This time however I seem to be doing the opposite. I have been doing a really good job of restricting my calories aaaaaand I have bumped up my exercising so yay!

I think part of what is keeping me from binge eating is that I have a Christmas party coming up on Friday so no way do I want to binge before that, plus, I was super sick not yesterday Monday but the Monday prior and it took a while to get any sort of appetite back. The lack of appetite from being sick is what led me in to my newest bought of restricting. When I was recovering everything tasted weird and nothing settled in my stomach very well so I ate very little and I’ve managed to maintain that. 😀

I am reeeeeally hoping that after the party I will maintain my restrictive eating with as much ease as I have been able to this past week. I think it will be a bit of a struggle because of the stress of going back home but if I keep myself busy enough maybe I’ll be able to ignore that, or at least control it. 🙂

Camera 360

something about this picture captivates me…

Upcoming Ordeals

Since I started being strict with my restricting again I have minimized social outings. I don’t mind staying in more than going out since I am introverted but its not like I hermit myself away every day…normally…

The only times I’ve been hanging with people is if we are exercising together which is nice because I get in a workout, get to hang with a friend and don’t get pressured to eat, its a win all around! 🙂

However, within the next 4 days I have 2 social functions I can’t get out of that involve food, lots of food…I’ve been trying to figure out for days what to do about this and have yet to figure out an action plan and I’m starting to get nervous because I don’t have an action plan. Ack!

The first social thing is a friend who is coming by to help me with some stuff, manual labour type stuff that I needed a second set of hands for. When we were first planning the day she would come help we were joking about moving furniture, drinking and just hanging out. So I have the alcohol which I figured I could sparingly drink to minimize the calories I get from that but I realized I should really offer her dinner since she’ll be here for hours. I of course don’t have food she can eat, I hardly have any food, and I don’t really want to bring any in so I suggested I pick up some sushi or order a pizza or something. I reeeeally hoped she’d go for the sushi but she chose pizza, sigh. So we will be eating pizza…pizza! There is nothing good about this situation. I thought about eating one slice super slow and hoping she didn’t notice how much I ate (or didn’t eat) but she is highly observant, my apartment is super tiny, and there is no way she won’t see how much I eat (or don’t eat).

I’m not sure what to do. I’m not good at purging, and even if I was the apartment is so small that anything done in the bathroom can be heard outside of the bathroom (lovely huh?) so she’d be able to hear me throw up and she’d question me about that.

Because I live alone I’ve never had to develop tricks for making it look like I ate more than I really did, is there even a way to do that?

The other social thing is even worse lol My sports team is having a party, everyone brings food, everyone will bring alcohol, we’ll all have a great time. We do this every year and every year I have loved it, but I’ve never gone to one of these parties when restricting and I’m not sure how this is gonna go. There is never any healthy food, if I thought I could nibble on raw veggies all night I’d be fine but people bring Chinese buns, and chicken wings, and burgers (there is usually a bbq happening), and salads (but not lettuce salads, more like pasta salads and salads with cream sauces an stuff) and loads of desserts. Hell, I’m taking two desserts because weirdly enough I’m really good at baking and everyone knows this so my bringing desserts is expected.

The party starts around dinner time and goes all night, the bulk of the eating happens all at once, everyone loads up plates and hangs out chatting while eating, the rest of the eating happens over the course of the night, people nibble on what is left over as the evening progresses, so basically, there is always eating happening.

It isn’t that I can’t be around people when they are eating, it is that it will be super obvious if I don’t eat when everyone else is eating, and also super obvious if I don’t snack during the evening.

Oh boy.

So yeah, thoughts about these two events that are coming up that I can’t get out of have basically filled my head and I think of almost nothing else.

Lovely.

must not eat

hide

Sticking To Restricting

For what feels like forever I have been binge eating. I used to be really good at restricting but somewhere along the way I hit a binge cycle that just wouldn’t quit. Even when I was at my most miserable and self-hating I couldn’t make myself stop binge eating. As a result I am now freakin huuuuuuuge! Ugh. 😦

I found myself trying to restrict but not doing a great job of it. I would restrict for a day or two, or maybe three or four, but then I would binge, and not just like, one binge session, but multiple binge sessions over the span of days which completely obliterated any weight loss I had managed to achieve while restricting.

I was stuck in that lovely cycle for quite a while.

However, over the past almost two weeks I have managed to maintain my restricting to the point that I am losing weight daily and feeling like this might be it, this might be the beginning of my new restricting cycle! And oh boy does that make me so incredibly happy! *fist pump*

While binge eating I stopped weighing myself all the time because it was depressing and after I would see the number I would lose all hope in getting skinny and end up in the kitchen. *rolls eyes* So I stuck with weighing myself on Wednesdays only.

Well…limiting myself to stepping on the scale only once a week is also a thing of the past because I weighed myself Wednesday, Thursday and today (it is Saturday) and each time I was a smaller number on the scale, yay! Since Wednesday I have lost 4.5 pounds! FOUR AND A HALF POUNDS PEOPLE!!!

Okay yeah I know, that isn’t some massive number or anything but it is just the beginning and talk about great motivation! This morning when I got up I wasn’t feeling great and was trying to decide if I should go to the gym right away or wait a bit and go later in the day. I stepped on the scale, saw I had gone down 2.5 pounds, got so happy I almost shed happy tears then immediately changed in to my gym clothes and hit the gym.

No way was I going to go make a cup of tea and sit in my apartment when I’d made such a great improvement in my scale number and I could be hightailing it off to the gym to burn even more fat off my body! 🙂 🙂

I am trying to temper my joy with the weight loss with a bit of reality though. I donated blood yesterday so it is most likely the loss of that pint that is resulting in my scale number being down 2.5 pounds since Thursday. My hope though is that with my continued restrictive eating plan and increase in exercise I won’t gain that weight back and in fact it will be a jumping off point to get me even lower in weight. Does that make sense?

Oh, and in case you are wondering why I was allowed to donate blood I made sure to eat something high in iron the night before so my hemoglobin levels would be in the appropriate range. I juuuuust barely made it in to the range though so if I donate again I’ll have to take some iron supplements or something for at least a couple days leading up to my appointment I think…ah well, you can only donate every 56 days or something so I don’t need to worry about it until November.

goodbye

Oh! And to make things even better I tried on a dress last night that I used to wear until I got too fat for it and it looks so much better! So the initial 5 pounds that I lost combined with the 4.5 pounds I just lost over the past 4 days have totally made a difference with some of my form fitting clothes! When I easily zipped the dress up and actually looked ok in it when I looked in the mirror I did a little happy dance lol I know, I’m such a geek. 😛 I can’t wait until I am skinny and actually look good in things instead of just ok!

sideways

Hot! Hot! Hot!

I made dinner tonight and purposely made it super hot so I would be forced to eat slowly. I was really hungry and knew if the food was at an easy to eat temperature I’d end up scarfing everything in the bowl and still being hungry afterwards which would just lead to a binge because I’d end up back in the kitchen eating who knows what!

So, I made it really hot, forcing me to eat slowly.

They say it takes 20 minutes for your body to realize it is full, I was hoping by eating slowly once I was done my body would be all “oh yeah, you’re full, no need for anything more” but that didn’t really happen, sigh.

I was still hungry, ugh. 😦

I made a cup of tea and am hoping that the hunger is actually just me being thirsty. I read that somewhere, that the majority of the time when we think we are hungry we are actually thirsty so when I feel hungry the first thing I do is drink something, usually water or tea or diet coke.

As I type this I have the cup of tea to my left and am hoping that will make the empty feeling go away. I’m trying to get myself off this binge cycle I’ve been on and get back to restricting and I think increasing my fluid intake will help with that.

*crosses fingers*

fat girl