For the longest time I didn’t think I engaged in emotional eating. Eventually I came to terms with the knowledge that when I am depressed, sad, going through something shitty, basically down, I emotionally eat. That is when I am most likely to binge. When I am most likely to rely on food to (1) help me not feel anything at all and (2) deal with the emotions that manage to bubble up from where all the food I ate pushed them.
Well…this past week I got great news, amazing news, news that made me so incredibly happy, and about half a second after I got the news my brain was screaming at me “STOP EATING!!!!”
I was immediately bombarded with an absolute fear of all food and the certain knowledge I had to uber restrict starting right away.
Part of me fully, 100% agreed, with this. I know I have to restrict asap. I have to look my absolute best in 2 weeks time and I can’t do that looking how I look now can I? No of course I can’t, I am fat, and weak, and disgusting, and I have to work! work! work! to make myself even a little bit better as soon as I can so I look my best for this upcoming event.
A teeny tiny part of my brain took a step back and muttered, “girl, you’re tripping”. You got invited to this event by people who know what you look like, they chose you because you fit the criteria they have for this event, they don’t want you to drastically change in this two week time span. Just keep on doing what you’ve been doing and you’ll be fine. Don’t restrict. Don’t cut yourself down to 400-700 calories a day. Don’t. Do. It.
For the rest of the day I fought the urge to restrict. I ate my meal plan, which is still technically under eating but whatever, it is more than 700 calories which is what I was eating prior to my trying to get better so for now it’ll hafta do.
By the end of the day I was filled with so much despair and desperation because I hadn’t started restricting I wanted to binge. I was so convinced I was ruining my chances, destroying this opportunity, by not restricting, I wanted to go in the opposite direction and eat allllllll the food.
I managed to not binge.
I also managed to somehow realize that these emotional swings I was having were leading me to want to either restrict or binge…or was it the wanting to restrict and binge that was leading to me having all these emotions? It’s all a circle to me, hard to figure out where any of it starts.
The next day I started off ok, on track food wise, then I had an unplanned meal in a restaurant for lunch where I had to make a super fast food decision and I thought I picked well but when I pulled up the nutritional information later I learned I made a big mistake. My only saving grace was I didn’t eat the entire meal and I worked out to help burn it off.
It wasn’t a binge, since it was a portion some other person would have eaten, and I didn’t follow it up with a bunch of other food, but it gave me a similar emotional response as a binge because it was a bigger portion of food than what I usually eat.
It pushed down all the emotions I was feeling for a while, then guilt surged in to take the place of all those emotions, then the emotions swirled back, so now I was feeling guilty, and unworthy, and disgusting, and blah blah blah.
I gotta say, that meal didn’t really help me in the end.
So here I am, days later, still fighting the simultaneous urges to restrict and binge. Part of me knows that engaging in either of those behaviours will not help me in two weeks time when I will be at this event, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to engage in them…like an alcoholic wanting a drink to smooth the edges, I want the soothing effect of my drug, my food, or my feeling strong by resisting all food. But I can’t. I can’t engage in either behaviour right now because it could endanger my ability to be at my best in two weeks.
This is so messed up, I hate it.