Tag Archives: restrict calories

Not A Good Sign

I think I am failing at recovery. Not intentionally, but regardless of if it is on purpose or not, I think I am failing.

Fuck.

Today I felt like I spent the whole day at my recovery program’s offices. First I had a meeting with my nutritionist. Then I had Meal Support group. Then I had book club…which I was deluded into thinking would be fun because I like to read but is still somehow turned in to a freakin therapy session! *rolls eyes*

So yeah, ok, my meeting with my nutritionist had some unsettling sentences being said, by her, which makes me think I need to be less honest about how things are with me cause, um, yeah, not good.

She said she is going to talk with my case worker about me and some things I have said and about potentially a new approach. I feel like I am in trouble and being tattled on. 😦

She also said perhaps I need more support than what I am getting now in getting out of my eating habits and adopting new ones and I should consider inpatient treatment at the hospital.

What the fuck?

First off, I am not under weight, sure I am losing but I am nowhere near under weight so no fucken way do I need inpatient. Second, I have a life, a job, a cat, rent to pay, shit to do, not like I can magically disappear from the world and go inpatient. Thirdly, no. Just no. I hate doctors. I hate medical stuff. It is bad enough when I have to go get blood work done, or have some other reason where I need to see a doctor, but going and being in a hospital 24/7? Nuh-uh. Not happenin.

So yeah, not the most pleasant of convos.

She goes on vacation for three weeks so our plan (I say “our” but it is actually hers) is that while she is gone I will focus on breakfast. Usually I put off eating as long as possible when I wake up but now I am supposed to eat within 1.5 hours of waking up, and it is supposed to be a healthy balanced all the food groups kind of meal. *rolls eyes* Then, when she returns she is going to put me on a meal plan. It will apparently be tailored to my height, weight, age, etc. She won’t tell me how many calories it will be. She also says I am not to track or tally the calories myself. I am supposed to blindly believe what she gives me will be ok. Cuz ya know, blind leaps of faith are things I am oh so good at.

After meeting with her I had Meal Support, which is also led by her. You sit, with others, and eat a meal that has all the food groups. You are supposed to eat the food within 20-30 minutes and after eating everyone plays a game to keep us distracted. I am the slowest eater ever, and couldn’t finish in time. I started to put my sliced apple away because everyone else was done and I didn’t want to hold up the start of the game playing but I got called out on that and was told I had to keep eating the apple while we all played the game. In one sitting I ate a strawberry greek yoghurt, an apple, and half a wrap with 1/4 of a chicken breast, spinach, carrots, cabbage, and bbq sauce in it. That is a LOT of food. Way more than I usually eat in one sitting. When I was done I thought I was ok, the game had kept me distracted from noticing how full I felt, I didn’t have a breakdown or anything, all was ok. Then I left to go buy a tea before my next group and as soon as I wasn’t distracted all I could notice was how full my stomach felt. It was so incredibly unpleasant. Ugh. I think if I do that group again I’ll go for a walk (or a jog) instead of going to buy tea, help get rid of that feeling.

I guess that group wasn’t a complete fail since I managed to eat all that food, even if it did take me longer than the time limit. But it was probably a fail in that I didn’t eat again for a really long time, and when I did eat it was something small and not calorie dense because I felt I had to make up for eating all that food earlier…

Then book club. We are reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown and I’m not really liking it. I am not a self-help book reader by any means, and this one is so, just, ugh. I don’t have words for it. I don’t connect with this book at all! In book club we talk about the chapters we were assigned to read that week, what if any connection we felt with what we had read etc, then we get a 5 minute break before we do some sort of project. This weeks project we were given a large piece of paper and told to draw a shape on it that symbolizes vulnerability to us. Then we went through a bunch of magazines to find pictures, or words, or whatever, of things that make us feel vulnerable and we had to put them inside the shape we drew. Then we had to find pictures, or words, or whatever, of things that allow us to be vulnerable and put those outside the shape. Then we had to describe the whole thing to the group. You may be laughing but you go try it, it’s harder than you think! Normally I really struggle with things like this but this week I managed to create something that seemed to impress the two people running the group. I think it was because I needed the distraction from how my stomach was feeling and the knowledge I ate all that food and the activity helped with that.

So yeah, that was my day in recovery and I think overall I didn’t do all that well. I got told inpatient might be the way to go and am being tattled on to my case worker. I ate a shit tonne of food. I didn’t handle eating all that food properly. Then I used the project in book club to distract myself from how I was feeling.

This recovery thing sure can suck, sigh.

too fat

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From One To The Other

Anybody who has been following this blog for any length of time knows I go from binge eating to restricting and eventually back again with occasional bouts of normal eating here and there. Cause ya know, gotta keep things interesting 😉

Yesterday allllll I wanted to do was binge. I contemplated writing a post on here but I knew all it would say, over and over again, was: “I want to binge” and really, what is the point of that?

I had a baby binge, and I am mad at myself for it, but I am trying to accept that I did it and move on. Easier said than done but hey, I said I was trying, not succeeding. 😛

Today is the opposite. I had lunch plans with a friend, then we were hitting up a movie, then I was supposed to make dinner and go to practice.

I met with the friend as planned and I ate part of the meal I ordered. It was a grilled veggie sandwich and came with a side salad. I ate most of the sandwich – thank goodness for lunch sized items on menus and had a nibble of the salad.

Because it is a restaurant meal and I can’t properly track the nutritional information (it is also one of those backwards places that doesn’t provide you with that info either in the restaurant or on their website, sigh) that automatically means I won’t eat the rest of the day.

Those are my rules.

However, I had practice in the evening and if I don’t eat something closer to practice time than that lunch was I won’t make it through. Arg. So annoying.

So when I got home I measured and weighed out a light dinner, convincing myself it was ok because I was about to burn it off so it hardly counts.

I don’t really believe that justification but I ate the food and then pushed super hard at practice and haven’t eaten since.

Roughly, taking in to account I could be waaaaay off with my restaurant calculations, I’ve eaten about 800 calories today.

I’m not really sure how I feel about that. Normally when I am restricting I limit myself to 780 calories or less in a day but that restaurant bread really screwed me over. 😦

I know I will restrict for at least a couple more days to compensate for what I ate yesterday, not sure if after that I will end up fighting the urge to binge or if I will level off and eat more normally for a bit or what, I never know how a day is going to go until I am living it.

Earlier in the day I was sad, for no reason I could figure, just…sad. I had sad memes all ready for the post cause they were so perfect for how I was feeling but right now I am doing ok. Restricting usually helps my mood…except for when it makes me super bitchy and I want to kill people 😉 I guess because I feel more in control when restricting, more like I am working towards my goal, being pro-active in getting what I want. That is my current theory anyways…no real proof to back it up…

happy

Happy thinspo pic to go with my mood.

On a side note, I have lost 6.2lbs which is the equivalent to 3 racks of baby back ribs. If you’ve been losing weight and want to see what it is equivalent to go to http://www.ilostwhat.com and give it a go. It can be kinda funny to see what it says.

Upcoming Surgery

I have to go for surgery in February. I have gone under the knife before so surgery in general doesn’t bother me but those other surgeries were all in emergency situations so there wasn’t a lot of building up time. But this, I have weeks and weeks to think about what is coming…I don’t like it.

And what is worse, I fear it will set me on to a binge cycle the likes of which I won’t be able to control.

Fuuuuuuuuk.

I think I’d be ok if it set me on a restrict cycle, least I’d lose some weight, but lets be real here, that isn’t how I work. sigh.

The surgery is a day surgery, it is low risk, it will be fine. But that doesn’t take away the fear it won’t work, or things will be worse.

I didn’t tell the docs I have food issues. They didn’t ask. My blood pressure has always read as low so when they took it no warning bells went off, the other tests they did didn’t involve blood work so they won’t see how low my hemoglobin levels are (I’m not allowed to donate blood anymore because of how low my numbers are, which sucks cuz every time I donated I’d lose 2-3 pounds). Basically I managed to skip my way through testing without them cluing in there might be anything going on with me.

I’m counting that as a win, obviously.

I don’t worry for my body going through surgery while I struggle with food, I mean c’mon this is me, the girl who for the past couple weeks has been eating actual meals. Meeeeeals! Sometimes twice a day! It’s crazy town over heeeeeere! But I do worry about the lead up to surgery day and what I might do to deal with the overwhelming emotions I am currently feeling in regards to surgery day.

Oh, and to top it off my mother has decided to come stay with me while I recover. The woman doesn’t know the meaning of the words “no thanks, not hungry” which means she will be in my super small apartment, cooking three meals a day, plus making snacks, and expecting me to eat them. Which, if I was any good at purging might not be so bad except that my apartment is so small no way I’d be able to purge without her hearing so I’m gonna be stuck with all that food in me…

She is staying for two weeks.

I’m screwed.

Maybe the knowledge all that food is coming my way and I won’t be able to avoid it will help me to restrict leading up to when she arrives, ya know, in preparation…huh, that might actually work…

daydreaming

A Step Backwards…Or Forwards?

I am not good at purging, I just can never seem to make myself throw up, sigh. This really bothers me as it seems like an excellent way to deal with a binge session but there ya have it. So the only way I can purge, and it isn’t really purging, or all that effective, is to take laxatives.

I stopped taking them a little while ago, I didn’t want to but they weren’t working all that well anymore and I know it is bad to take them for too long. Then I started restricting so I didn’t feel the need to take them. I was barely taking in enough calories to get through the day, I didn’t need to get rid of the ones I actually ate.

Lately I keep screwing up. I keep eating! Last night I went for dinner with a friend who was visiting from out of town. I told her to pick where she wanted to eat (she used to live here and she had a couple restaurants she really missed) and she picked a fave sushi place of hers. I was so grateful! I can eat sushi, I know what my fave sushi dishes will cost me in calories and I can work with that. So there I am planning in my head what I will order, calculating my calorie intake for the meal before we are even at the restaurant and completely forgetting one vital thing…she over orders at sushi restaurants ALL the time! And I don’t mean she orders food for herself and I order food for myself and she just gets one roll too many for her to handle. I mean she orders multiple dishes with the full intention of us sharing them and will be massively offended if I don’t eat some of everything.

Fuck.

She ordered three appetizers! THREE! And my big mistake was ordering first, sigh. So there I am, ordering two rolls with the intention of saying I didn’t like the higher calorie one once I tried a piece and thereby only eating the one roll and mentally patting myself on my back when I should have been more strategic and had her order first. She ordered two rolls for herself and then the three appies and I thought I was gonna die.

The first appie was spicy sashimi tuna, the tuna is mixed up with cucumbers, carrots and the spicy sauce then put in a serving bowl. The second appie was agadashi tofu which normally I am ok with but this place served it as three separate (large) cubes of tofu, one was drenched in a mango chutney, one in a spicy dressing and one was done traditional. The third appie was chicken bites (think two bites to eat each piece), the chicken was battered and fried and then drenched in a sweet and spicy sauce.

OMFG! 😦

I ate a bunch of the cucumber from the spicy sashimi tuna bowl because I figured if she saw me putting my chopsticks in that bowl often she’d assume I was eating the fish and it would trick her.

It did not.

She was counting (roughly) how much of each dish she ate so as to not accidentally eat my half of each dish.

I love that she is so generous and thoughtful but in that moment I hated that about her. sigh.

In the end I ate tuna sashimi, chicken bites, the equivalent of 1.5 cubes of tofu (each half in a different sauce) and my rolls. Yup, ate both the freakin rolls cause when I tried my whole “hmm, it doesn’t taste right” routine she tried a piece and was all “oh no, its fine, don’t worry about it, eat! eat!” and with her watching my every move I couldn’t figure a way out of eating the food.

See why being able to throw up would be such a useful skill??

I felt disgusting. My stomach felt disgusting, overly full and gross and oh so unpleasant. I would have given anything to be able to crawl out of my own skin last night and not experience the process of digesting all that food. Something that sucks even more is when I got up this morning for work I was obviously still digesting the freakin meal.

I know people say it takes 3 hours to digest food but I digest waaaaay slower than other people, I am sure of it! I can feel the food in my stomach way longer than three hours.

So yeah, there I am this morning still digesting the food from last night, I did not start my day off feeling well. The food sat heavy in my stomach for the entire day, even now when it is after midnight my stomach is still heavy. The sensations, *shudder*, I hate it, all that food, knowing it is in me, knowing I am fatter because of eating, knowing it is taking its sweet ass time digesting, knowing that I am bloated, it sickens me.

Because of still feeling heavy and gross I chose to take laxatives this evening. I held off as long as I could, I didn’t want to go back to using them, partly because I was kinda proud that I had stopped them and partly because I am scared that taking them today will make it easier to binge another day because I have put taking laxatives back on the table in terms of options I have for dealing with a binge.

But I just couldn’t not take them, it was too much. Soooooo, I took them. The natural ones so they aren’t as bad as a bunch as the medicine type ones.

I can’t decide if this is a step backwards because I did again something I had stopped or if it is a pro-active step forward because I am taking firmer control of my weight loss and taking steps to mitigate the damage done to me by eating all that food.

At this point I am not thinking I will be saving myself calories by flushing the food out of me, I just really need this sensation in my stomach gone, I need to get rid of this food so I can start my restricting on an emptier stomach, be in an easier frame of mind, have one less distracting thing to cope with.

Thank god tomorrow is a day off and I can focus solely on exercising and restricting my calories.

I really need these pills to kick in so I can go to bed feeling slightly less disgusted with myself and hopefully wake up in a better frame of mind, all ready to work out and kick ass and get back on track with my weight loss.

ednos 2

dream

Mirrors Don’t Lie

Last week I was in a change room, in a thrift store, looking for items for my halloween costume. I have horrible luck in thrift stores, everything is always in smaller sizes than what I am. It has me half convinced I am the largest person out there and that’s why there are never clothing donations that fit me…but then I see people larger than me so that makes me wonder if people my size just never get rid of their clothes…either way, thrift shops suck in my world, but for halloween I will dig through them.

I was in the handicap changing stall (it was the next one open) so I had lots of space, always nice. I was trying on three different blue dresses and three pairs of jeans. When I tried on the jeans I kept my shirt on, obviously, so all I was seeing in the mirror was if the jeans could be pulled all the way up, and once up, how they looked with a shirt on. I did the sitting test, you know, where you sit on the bench in the change room and look in the mirror to see if the clothes bunch funny when you are sitting, or the pant legs become too short, also, I like to see how comfy something is when I am sitting. Once the jeans were done I took off my shirt and started trying on the dresses.

Big mistake.

The first one I was putting on over my head and couldn’t get past my breasts, sigh, they are naturally large and can be a problem when I’m clothes shopping. I didn’t bother to see if it fit elsewhere since it obviously didn’t fit over the ladies.

The second one I forced on, was way too tight, wouldn’t zip up and I thought I was going to rip seams when I was trying to get it off.

The third I got on, got zipped up, but it did nothing for me, ugh. The back was partially sheer and amplified my fat.

So the dresses didn’t pan out, which wasn’t all that surprising really.

The horrible part came after I took the third dress off, I sat on the bench, wearing my panties and bra, and was putting the dress back on the hanger when I glanced up. I wasn’t purposefully looking in the mirror to see how I looked sitting in my underwear but as soon as I saw the mirror I froze.

Horrendous.

Disgusting.

Nauseating.

Terrifying.

How did I get so fat??? How did i not realize I was so fat??? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I knew I was fat, but this, this view, this can’t-lie-with-such-a-big-mirror-view brought just how big I am in to focus. A focus I can’t ignore, and I swear the image is burned on to my retinas, seared in to my brain, I’ll never forget how I looked.

I wish I could forget how I looked.

You would think that image, that horrible horrible site would immediately get me back on track food wise but reeeeally, it hasn’t.

Today was Thanksgiving (I live in Canada), and I ate pumpkin pie.

Pie!

Here I am freakin obese and revolting and an eyesore that shouldn’t be allowed out in public and I still ate pie.

No surprise why I am so large. *rolls eyes*

I’m lost as to what to do. I want to immediately start restricting my food, cut waaaaay back, but intellectually I know that isn’t the answer. I have to eat healthy, multiple times a day, get my metabolism working for me…but that scares me. I’m so scared that eating anything, healthy or not, proper portion size or not, balanced meal or not, will just make me bigger and I’m already so big, I can’t let myself get any bigger, I can’t!

What do I do? Do I restrict and starve my way down to a lower weight? Do I eat “healthy” like a “normal person”?

What??

I just don’t know…I’m scared whichever path I choose will be the wrong one and I’ll get bigger…how do I know what to do?

Thought I’d share a thinspo video instead of a picture this time, obviously extra motivation is needed in my corner of the world, maybe someone else needs it too.