Tag Archives: recovery program

Blood ‘n Stuff

To get in to my recovery program you have to be referred by a doctor. I wasn’t comfy going to my actual doctor so I went to a walk-in clinic, with the referral form, and told them I was there to get a referral. Part of being referred involved tests. Lots and lots of medical tests. Ugh.

I hate going to doctors, I hate medical tests, I hate being poked and prodded and looked at so closely, I especially hate needles, I just hate it all.

I am that person who, when legitimately sick or injured still doesn’t go to the doctor because “I have an immune system, I’ll be fine” and “letting my body heal itself will make me stronger” and other such beliefs.

So, having to go to a doctor to get referred was a hurdle that took over a year to accomplish. Funnily enough, I could always find something else to do that was more important than going to the doctor. *rolls eyes*

To be compliant in my program I have to get my blood work retested whenever my doctor says. My medical doctor that is. Ya know, the one I didn’t go to for the referral. Sure she gets a copy of all visits I have to a walk-in but she has a crappy receptionist who never passes things along so any updates or results that come in from the walk-in clinic get filed with my doctor without ever being looked at by a medical professional.

Nice little loophole I found there don’t ya think? 😉

Well…my case worker told me I have to go get my blood work retested. She convinced me to set up an appointment with a shrink, the type that can prescribe meds, and apparently he would send me for blood work anyways so I might as well get it done prior to my appointment with him. She also pointed out that to stay in the program I am supposed to be getting the blood work done anyways. Busted!

I put it off as long as I could, and was actually figuring on going today after work but I ended up with some time to kill last Friday, or maybe it was Thursday…one of those days and I figured just go get it over with. This time it was just blood work, felt like they filled a zillion tubes with my blood, but at least they weren’t doing that thing where I had to strip from the waist up and some nurse puts sensors all over me and they check my heart. That was so embarrassing.

I fully expected to not hear anything about the blood work results. I told them they had to send the results to the other doc (the shrink who can prescribe meds) since he was the one who actually wanted the report, and thought if I ever heard anything about the results it would be at the appointment with him.

Well go figure, looks like the doctor at the walk-in actually took a look at the results and I got a phone call today from the walk-in clinic saying the doctor was asking me to come in in regards to my blood work results.

Since they follow the rule “no news is good news” I can say with a fair amount of confidence that whatever I am being asked to go hear about my results won’t be awesome.

It is probably something stupid like low iron, big deal *rolls eyes*. But there is that little seed of worry in my gut that it might be something worse. I’ve been having some physical symptoms I guess you’d call them, just some physical stuff, that has been happening, that I don’t think is necessarily normal, and might be related to all the restricting I’ve been doing.

They might not be though! There’s no proof that any of the stuff I’m feeling or experiencing is caused by my restricting…technically…

So now I have to decide if I am going to find the time to go to the walk-in clinic tomorrow and find out the results or wait and see if the other doc mentions the results when I go to that appointment on Wednesday.

Part of me thinks I might as well just wait. He is the one who wanted the testing done, if there is something significant in the results he’ll tell me, so it is a waste of time to go back to the walk-in clinic.

Part of me thinks maybe I should go and hear what the results are so I can research them and not be caught off guard at the shrink’s appointment, since I am already feeling super nervous, and guarded, about that appointment, maybe I’ll feel better knowing what the results already say.

In the end, the decision to go or not go will most likely be made based on what time I wake up tomorrow lol It is my day to sleep in, I have an evening commitment but the only thing I am worried about for daytime is getting laundry done, and other stuff around the apartment. If I am up early enough to get the apartment stuff done and have time before my evening commitment I might decide I should just go and get it over with. But if I sleep in, or just don’t time my day well and start to run out of time, well, I have more important things to do than drive back to the walk-in clinic for some stupid test results.

I mean c’mon, its just going to be low iron, or something else equally inconsequential, its stupid I have to go in for that anyways.

hard work

Not Imaginative Enough

I tend to think of myself as someone with a pretty decent imagination but when it comes to getting past my eating disorder and being “normal” I just can’t imagine it.

I can’t imagine not always worrying about what I am eating, or not eating, checking nutritional information, tracking my food, denying myself something tasty, labeling foods as “good” and “bad”, eating more than 7 foods on a regular basis, judging myself and every action or inaction I take with food, adjusting my life to accommodate my eating disorder…the list goes on…I just…I can’t see it…

At group today there was a guest speaker, someone who went through the program and has been recovered for years. She was there to talk to us about her experience, some of what she went through, answer questions. She was a good speaker, easy to listen to, seemed comfortable telling her story, answered all questions asked of her buuuuuut I dunno if I believe her.

Not that I am saying I think she is a flat out liar, just, I don’t know how anyone can claim some of the things she says, let alone someone who used to have an eating disorder.

She says she doesn’t weigh herself anymore, like, at all! She also says she doesn’t track her food intake in any way. She eats intuitively and she eats whatever she feels like eating, so if she wants fish ‘n chips she has it, if she wants a doughnut she has it, whatever she wants to eat she eats it and has no guilt about eating that particular food.

Is that even a thing? An actual possible thing?

I don’t think it is…

She says she exercises because it feels good, not to punish herself for something she ate.

Yeah sure, ok.

Here I am restricting my food intake because I so desperately want to binge but I am trying so hard not to and the only way I know to not binge is to not eat. If I eat something I’ll eat everything, so I eat nothing…or barely nothing, and what I do eat is a safe food. Which fyi, the list has gotten drastically smaller for what I consider safe. And that girl is saying she eats whatever she wants and has no guilt?

Not only does she apparently not engage in any eating disorder behaviours she also doesn’t have any of the thoughts. My brain is a constant swirl of ed thoughts and she says she has none of them? Not even vague lingering ones? What would be in my brain if it wasn’t always thinking ed stuff? It would probably be the most quiet, boring, brain in the world!

I don’t know how todays meeting was supposed to help me…maybe it was meant to inspire me? Let me know I can recover? Show me actual proof of someone who made it to the other side?

All I feel like I saw was a woman who says she doesn’t think or act a certain way but in gaining that she also gained weight and is not fat exactly but not thin…not where I want to be…why does recovery always seem to involve ending up larger than you want to be? Why can’t people recover but stay thin? Aaaaand that is a rant for another day! lol

I dunno…I don’t see what I am getting from these sessions…maybe recovery isn’t for everyone and I am meant to stay the way I am?

unwinnable-battle