Tag Archives: recovery program


I’m not great at dealing with changes that aren’t my decision. Which, really, covers a lot of changes.

Usually I can bring myself around to being ok with the changes given enough time, how much time is needed is really dependent on what the change is and how off guard it caught me.

Something else I’m not good at dealing with is people going away. I guess you could say I have abandonment issues. *rolls eyes* I’m usually pretty good at pulling away and cutting ties first, before the other person can, and that has always worked for me. Every now and then the other person manages to leave first and it reinforces to me how I have to be more diligent and make sure I am the strong one who is leaving, not the weak one who is left behind.

But there are two people, one who left but is coming back, and one who is leaving soon, that are part of my treatment team, and the changes are really fucking with me.

My case worker disappeared ages ago. So long ago I don’t even remember for sure when she left! It sort of didn’t matter, since I was seeing someone else one-on-one, and already set up for my next group. I really only see her at the end of an 8 week group where she and I have a debrief and she tells me what group I go in to next, or I guess I could reach out to her in distress or with a question but I never have. She was co-running the group I am in now so her leaving meant someone else came in, but it is someone I know and am used to so I didn’t mind that she was there. What I did mind was that a different doctor, let’s use the initial M for her, was all of a sudden everywhere. She was co-running the drop-in instead of my case worker, she was co-running my core group, she randomly phoned me one week to talk about the core group, she had someone else come speak to me after drop-in because of something I had written on a check-in form we fill out at the end of our weekly group session. Seriously, I can’t get away from M if I try, and it was like she was taking the place of my case worker, and I don’t like that.

I don’t like that she left. I don’t like that some other person seemed to just step right in and take over all her stuff. I don’t like that nobody tells us anything so I have no idea if or when she is coming back. She could be dead for all I know.

Then this past week I find out she is coming back in the next week or so…and it seems I don’t know how I feel about that. She just left, out of nowhere. And now she is just allowed to waltz back in and resume where she left off? Does this mean she is still my caseworker? She doesn’t even know what I’ve been doing these past months while she’s been away. I don’t know if I want to deal with her again because I have trust issues and it took a lot for me to tell her anything and trust her to what extent I had been able, and then she left, and now what, she’s back so I’m just supposed to automatically trust her again? Or still?

I dunno. It’s weird to me.

The other person, let’s call him B, is the counsellor I see for one-on-one sessions. He is technically a student, doing his practicum work, and he is done in three weeks. This is even more stupid, because I knew all along he’d be gone somewhere around April, I knew he wasn’t a permanent part of my treatment team, but he has also been the most helpful person to me, the most supportive person in my journey, my time with him has had more impact on my recovery than any of the other groups combined. Which is kind of funny considering I signed up to meet with him thinking I’d meet with him once, not like it, and back out but feel ok about it because at least I tried. But it turned out I didn’t mind talking to him, and in fact, my sessions with him have become a huge touchstone in my week and I will be lost without them.

I know he is leaving. I have always known he was going to leave. I didn’t think I’d get attached to him, but I did. And I don’t know what I am going to do once our one-on-ones are over. I know he isn’t a friend, he is my counsellor, but he is the only person I speak with, who doesn’t have an eating disorder, who knows I have an eating disorder, who I can talk openly with about whatever I want. I can tell him flat out I need help figuring out if something I am thinking is messed up or normal. I have had him pry information out of me on days I am shut down and not able to access my emotions. He has seen me confused, sad, pissed off, and I know that is his job, I know him being there and helping me through shit is because it is his career, not because we are friends hanging out, but I feel like I am going to miss having him around the way I miss having a friend around. There will be a noticeable absence in my life, my routine, and in this case, my mental health support system.

I don’t want him to go, even as I want him to graduate and go do awesome things.

I don’t deal well when I lose people. If they come back it takes me even longer to trust them again. When they leave it affects me not just on the surface, but right down to my core beliefs, because their leaving reinforces all the negative shit I feel about myself, all the negative outlooks I have on life, society, everything.

I know it is messed up. I know that I knew the whole time he would be leaving. I stupidly let myself get used to having him around and I actually started relying on him, and now I don’t know what to do. How am I going to cope? If it was anybody else leaving I’d be talking to him about how to cope but I can’t very well go to him about this. I can already feel myself shutting down as a defence, to help stop or block the hurt I know I will feel when he is really gone. I am getting moodier, more depressed, not laughing or talking as much, withdrawing from everything, getting more aggressive, more sarcastic, binge eating more, then restricting more. All sorts of things that are manifestations of how unhappy I am are popping up and I don’t really give a fuck.

I’m becoming more anti-social? Who cares, it is how I am normally anyways. This whole making friends thing was an anomaly that wasn’t going to last anyways.

I’m talking less? Participating less? So what, I don’t need people to talk to, or groups to participate in. I’m fine on my own, always have been, always will be.

I’m relying less on my support system? I should be. Support systems are for losers, for wimps, for cowards, who can’t face the world alone. I am alone, I am strong enough to take care of myself because I am the only one who will.

Deep down I’m confused and sad? Screw that. Bury those emotions, squash em down until you don’t feel them anymore, they are a waste of energy and make me weak.

I hate this. I hate that I used to not be aware of shit like this, I just was how I was, and now I am more aware but still completely incapable of handling the overload of emotions. So now I am overloaded on top of all the shit I am feeling, and vaguely aware that my coping mechanisms are not helpful to my recovery or to living a normal life, but again, don’t know how to not engage in them. So I’m aware that I’m sliding, but not equipped with enough skills to stop the slide.

This fucking sucks.


No one is watching me slide below street level

Barely alive


Right Back

Every week I have meal support. When it was first recommended I go I said no, I mean c’mon, look at how big I am, I obviously don’t have trouble eating *rolls eyes*

It was casually suggested a couple more times, to which I casually dismissed the idea, and then the dietitian learned a bit more about me and challenged me to go to meal support.

Well fuck. I’m competitive and don’t back down from challenges, so guess who ended up at meal support?

Sigh. Me.

I went once and swore I was never going back.

Obviously, somewhere along the way, I went back. I don’t remember exactly when, prior to Christmas I think it was, and I make it pretty much every week. It is part of my routine now. A stressful part that I always want to skip, and yet, I go. Not only that I encourage others to go! Who am I becoming??

The dietitian who runs meal support is going on vacation and will be gone for two weeks, nobody else was able to cover the group, so the next two weeks don’t have meal support.

At first I was ambivalent, then kinda happy I can sleep in, then sorta sad I won’t be hanging out with my friends in that group, then the eating disorder thoughts started making themselves known.

My friends in that group and I thought maybe we’d all get together anyways, so we don’t lose that support system, ideas got tossed around about what we will do, when, where, all that stuff. Instead of a lunch time meal support we are getting together a bit later in the day, mid afternoon-ish, learning about essential oils, aaaaaand having a freakin pot luck.

What. The. Fuck.

A potluck where the food is all being brought by people with eating disorders.

I don’t even know what this will look like. I do know it is causing me some stress trying to figure out what to bring, and how much, and am I supposed to bring something that has all the food groups, or am I assuming someone else will bring something that has say, dairy, so my dish doesn’t have to have dairy. Oh the thoughts!

Then this happened…

I was making up my grocery list, I use an app called Flipp. There are some items I leave on there because I buy them often so when I am at the store and scan through the list it’ll have the reminder for say, milk, and I’ll know if I’m low and need some that week or can wait. One of those items is Greek Yoghurt. That is only on the list because of meal support. It is my go-to for the dairy component of the meal that I take every week. If I didn’t have to take a dairy item to meal support I wouldn’t have any dairy on my grocery list. I have recently started buying cheese, not as a food to take to meal support, but as a direct result of eating a dairy item each week at meal support. Apparently I am branching out with my dairy and also eating cheese every now and then when at home.

The point of that ramble is that when I was making up my grocery list this evening, I saw Greek Yoghurt on the list and my first thought was:

“Don’t need to buy that this week”

And then I mentally started thinking of all the other foods I won’t be buying this week because I’m not in meal support so I don’t need them for this week, or next. They aren’t even all foods that I use in meal support! It’s like my brain figures meal support is done for two weeks so bam! Let’s go back to how I was before I ever went.


Is this where my brain is?

Some recovery journey I’m on *rolls eyes* As soon as backs are turned I’m thinking about what I can get away with not eating for two weeks and gleefully wondering how much weight I can drop before she gets back and anybody notices.

My one-on-sessions haven’t ended yet, I still have three more weeks before he leaves, so I guess I’ll probably bring this up to him when I see him, except that isn’t until Wednesday, and who knows what I’ll convince myself of by then.

Here I thought I was getting closer to being able to eat oatmeal again and instead I’m mentally throwing out food that is in my fridge and freezer and promising myself I’ll never buy it again.

I feel like I can’t be left to my own devices, or trusted to not go off the deep end. And what is really a pisser is I hadn’t even realized how much meal support was reigning my behaviours in! What else haven’t I noticed?

Blood ‘n Stuff

To get in to my recovery program you have to be referred by a doctor. I wasn’t comfy going to my actual doctor so I went to a walk-in clinic, with the referral form, and told them I was there to get a referral. Part of being referred involved tests. Lots and lots of medical tests. Ugh.

I hate going to doctors, I hate medical tests, I hate being poked and prodded and looked at so closely, I especially hate needles, I just hate it all.

I am that person who, when legitimately sick or injured still doesn’t go to the doctor because “I have an immune system, I’ll be fine” and “letting my body heal itself will make me stronger” and other such beliefs.

So, having to go to a doctor to get referred was a hurdle that took over a year to accomplish. Funnily enough, I could always find something else to do that was more important than going to the doctor. *rolls eyes*

To be compliant in my program I have to get my blood work retested whenever my doctor says. My medical doctor that is. Ya know, the one I didn’t go to for the referral. Sure she gets a copy of all visits I have to a walk-in but she has a crappy receptionist who never passes things along so any updates or results that come in from the walk-in clinic get filed with my doctor without ever being looked at by a medical professional.

Nice little loophole I found there don’t ya think? 😉

Well…my case worker told me I have to go get my blood work retested. She convinced me to set up an appointment with a shrink, the type that can prescribe meds, and apparently he would send me for blood work anyways so I might as well get it done prior to my appointment with him. She also pointed out that to stay in the program I am supposed to be getting the blood work done anyways. Busted!

I put it off as long as I could, and was actually figuring on going today after work but I ended up with some time to kill last Friday, or maybe it was Thursday…one of those days and I figured just go get it over with. This time it was just blood work, felt like they filled a zillion tubes with my blood, but at least they weren’t doing that thing where I had to strip from the waist up and some nurse puts sensors all over me and they check my heart. That was so embarrassing.

I fully expected to not hear anything about the blood work results. I told them they had to send the results to the other doc (the shrink who can prescribe meds) since he was the one who actually wanted the report, and thought if I ever heard anything about the results it would be at the appointment with him.

Well go figure, looks like the doctor at the walk-in actually took a look at the results and I got a phone call today from the walk-in clinic saying the doctor was asking me to come in in regards to my blood work results.

Since they follow the rule “no news is good news” I can say with a fair amount of confidence that whatever I am being asked to go hear about my results won’t be awesome.

It is probably something stupid like low iron, big deal *rolls eyes*. But there is that little seed of worry in my gut that it might be something worse. I’ve been having some physical symptoms I guess you’d call them, just some physical stuff, that has been happening, that I don’t think is necessarily normal, and might be related to all the restricting I’ve been doing.

They might not be though! There’s no proof that any of the stuff I’m feeling or experiencing is caused by my restricting…technically…

So now I have to decide if I am going to find the time to go to the walk-in clinic tomorrow and find out the results or wait and see if the other doc mentions the results when I go to that appointment on Wednesday.

Part of me thinks I might as well just wait. He is the one who wanted the testing done, if there is something significant in the results he’ll tell me, so it is a waste of time to go back to the walk-in clinic.

Part of me thinks maybe I should go and hear what the results are so I can research them and not be caught off guard at the shrink’s appointment, since I am already feeling super nervous, and guarded, about that appointment, maybe I’ll feel better knowing what the results already say.

In the end, the decision to go or not go will most likely be made based on what time I wake up tomorrow lol It is my day to sleep in, I have an evening commitment but the only thing I am worried about for daytime is getting laundry done, and other stuff around the apartment. If I am up early enough to get the apartment stuff done and have time before my evening commitment I might decide I should just go and get it over with. But if I sleep in, or just don’t time my day well and start to run out of time, well, I have more important things to do than drive back to the walk-in clinic for some stupid test results.

I mean c’mon, its just going to be low iron, or something else equally inconsequential, its stupid I have to go in for that anyways.

hard work

Not Imaginative Enough

I tend to think of myself as someone with a pretty decent imagination but when it comes to getting past my eating disorder and being “normal” I just can’t imagine it.

I can’t imagine not always worrying about what I am eating, or not eating, checking nutritional information, tracking my food, denying myself something tasty, labeling foods as “good” and “bad”, eating more than 7 foods on a regular basis, judging myself and every action or inaction I take with food, adjusting my life to accommodate my eating disorder…the list goes on…I just…I can’t see it…

At group today there was a guest speaker, someone who went through the program and has been recovered for years. She was there to talk to us about her experience, some of what she went through, answer questions. She was a good speaker, easy to listen to, seemed comfortable telling her story, answered all questions asked of her buuuuuut I dunno if I believe her.

Not that I am saying I think she is a flat out liar, just, I don’t know how anyone can claim some of the things she says, let alone someone who used to have an eating disorder.

She says she doesn’t weigh herself anymore, like, at all! She also says she doesn’t track her food intake in any way. She eats intuitively and she eats whatever she feels like eating, so if she wants fish ‘n chips she has it, if she wants a doughnut she has it, whatever she wants to eat she eats it and has no guilt about eating that particular food.

Is that even a thing? An actual possible thing?

I don’t think it is…

She says she exercises because it feels good, not to punish herself for something she ate.

Yeah sure, ok.

Here I am restricting my food intake because I so desperately want to binge but I am trying so hard not to and the only way I know to not binge is to not eat. If I eat something I’ll eat everything, so I eat nothing…or barely nothing, and what I do eat is a safe food. Which fyi, the list has gotten drastically smaller for what I consider safe. And that girl is saying she eats whatever she wants and has no guilt?

Not only does she apparently not engage in any eating disorder behaviours she also doesn’t have any of the thoughts. My brain is a constant swirl of ed thoughts and she says she has none of them? Not even vague lingering ones? What would be in my brain if it wasn’t always thinking ed stuff? It would probably be the most quiet, boring, brain in the world!

I don’t know how todays meeting was supposed to help me…maybe it was meant to inspire me? Let me know I can recover? Show me actual proof of someone who made it to the other side?

All I feel like I saw was a woman who says she doesn’t think or act a certain way but in gaining that she also gained weight and is not fat exactly but not thin…not where I want to be…why does recovery always seem to involve ending up larger than you want to be? Why can’t people recover but stay thin? Aaaaand that is a rant for another day! lol

I dunno…I don’t see what I am getting from these sessions…maybe recovery isn’t for everyone and I am meant to stay the way I am?