Tag Archives: recover

3 Days

For three days in a row I lost 0.5 lbs a day! 🙂  That’s 1.5 lbs in three days!

I know other people lose faster but for me that is freakin amazing! I weighed myself Friday and Saturday before work, those days I worked the late shift so I had slept in (ensuring I didn’t have to eat or realize I was skipping breakfast), had a quick step on the scale before getting ready for work, and was quite happy with where the number was going. I wasn’t going to weigh myself Sunday as I worked the early morning shift and I don’t like weighing myself at different times of the day – these things matter ok? For some reason I decided I would hop on the scale “just to see how it differs at 5:30am vs 12:30pm” and holy fuck I was down another half a pound.

Three days in a row!

I was practically beaming with pride.

What is annoying is there is nobody to tell and celebrate with. Nobody else would think this is a good thing, although I am over the moon happy about it.

I didn’t weigh myself today, I worked the early morning shift again and slept in so I didn’t have time to strip, pee, weigh myself, either celebrate with a happy dance or stare at myself in the mirror and criticize myself (if I had gone up), so I skipped the scale today.

I’m thinking I probably should have taken the time to weigh myself because today after work, and after my after work exercise, I ended up buying two different types of ice cream and ordering a burger and fries from a restaurant that has amazing burgers, sigh.

I ate the burger, the fries, and one Drumstick ice cream and holy fuck my stomach is so messed up now. It has been almost 6 hours since I ate the food and I can still feel it in my stomach! Why isn’t it going anywhere?? It is this lump of food, it is painful, my stomach is actually rounder (food baby anyone? ugh), I am so uncomfortable – and not just “omg I ate something my brain is panicking” uncomfortable, you know, the kind that is all a mental game that you can try to distract yourself from. Nope, this is actual physical discomfort that is making me feel sick, but not throwing up sick, just so not well in my stomach. I don’t have the words to describe how it feels, its just bad ok? It feels bad.

So all that happiness, that pride, that yay I am doing so well at losing weight and being so good with my restricting has come to an abrupt end. A brutal, fast, calorie dense, end.

Sigh.

Why do I always have to fuck up like this?

To top it off I cancelled my appointment with my nutritionist for this week, and tomorrow I will be calling to cancel my being at group session this week. In my defense this isn’t a random decision, I got offered a 12 hour work day for that day and I really need the money so I would have cancelled a visit with the Pope in order to take the work. It does suck that I’m cancelling two recovery related things though…except, does it suck? It should suck. If this was two weeks ago I’d probably be bummed, hell, I might have convinced myself to not take the work, but it’s been a little while since I’ve had a one-on-one cause of scheduling and I barely said two words in group last week so it was almost like not being there, and well, I’ve sorta distanced myself emotionally from the whole process.

I’m debating staying in the recovery program. I don’t know that it is for me. I think I was becoming too reliant on having people that I saw on a regular basis when really, I need to learn how to stand on my own, how to cope with stuff by myself. I think I’ve gotten a bit better, I don’t binge nearly as much now, and that is what I wanted help with. My restricting has become the more prominent behaviour which is helping me lose weight and that was the end goal I wanted – not necessarily to be restricting more but to be binge eating less so I’d lose the weight I put on from binge eating.

And wow this got off track lol this was supposed to be about how I was so excited that I lost half a pound a day for three days in a row – and I would still be happy about that, if I didn’t have a burger and fries and ice cream sitting in my stomach slowly trying to kill me. Ugh.

Does anybody know if slow digestion of a large quantity of food after restricting for a while is normal? I think I heard somewhere the digestion process slows down or something? I swear I can already see the fat from the food making my body fatter, not just my stomach but everywhere. 😦  Thank goodness I have a high activity, low food day, planned for tomorrow!

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I Suck At Self-Compassion

Alrighty so the way my ed recovery program works is I am in an 8 week group session that meets once a week and once every two weeks I meet with a dietitian. I think I could actually meet with the dietitian more often but I’m not ready for that…same with my case worker, I think I could meet with her more often but I’m scared to ask and seem too needy. I do meet with her at the end of each new 8 week group for a check-in and actually, she is co-running the group I am in right now so I guess if I was really super duper struggling on the day I have group I could maybe ask her for a minute, but again, I haven’t actually tried asking because pfft, I don’t do that! 😉

After the 8 week group session is over there is about a month where I go to drop in groups (there are two or three to choose from) and my case manager decides which of the next 8 week groups she thinks would be good for me.

My first 8 week group was the Education Group, pretty much everyone starts with that one so we all have the same starting off point education wise about all sorts of things regarding ed.

The group I am in now is the Building Compassion Group and oh my god I suck at it! *rolls eyes*

It would appear I am not good at having self-compassion and not only that, I have massive instinctive road blocks around the topic aaaaaaand my brain goes completely blank when I am trying to come up with an example of self-compassion or self-care. I feel like I am failing this group…I don’t know if that is a thing, oh god, what if that is a thing and I have to repeat it? I so don’t want to repeat this group, ugh.

We have homework, and talk about stuff from our past and how it relates to our eating disorder and we talk about how we should talk to ourselves in a kind and caring way and blah blah blah. I am supposed to try talking to myself the way I would talk to a friend if they were going through the same situation, the theory being I would never be as mean to my friend as I am to myself but that doesn’t really work for me. We also do this guided meditation type thing at the start where we think of something about ourselves we are unhappy with, then let ourselves feel the pain associated with that, then be kind to ourselves and acknowledge that we feel the pain because we were hurt and to talk in a compassionate way to ourselves about that situation to help us move past it, or embrace it, or something, I dunno…it all sounds like new age hippie crap to me. sigh. I can manage to think of something I don’t like about myself, and even manage to feel some of the pain associated with that thing I don’t like, but that is as far as I get. There are no compassionate words coming to mind to say to myself, there is no acknowledging of a situation that was beyond my control and letting myself off the hook, there is no coming to terms with stuff.

I don’t feel I need to come to terms with anything. I believe that if something hurts you then you should use that pain to make you stronger. Use that pain to build a stronger defence so when something like that happens again you don’t get hurt again.

So yeah, I think I am not properly grasping this whole compassion thing.

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I couldn’t find a thinspo image that seemed right for this post and that got me thinking maybe I shouldn’t always put a thinspo image because ya know, I’m supposed to be trying to get better and scrolling through all those images isn’t exactly good for my frame of mind, so does not putting one of those pictures on my post count as a self-compassionate act? I feel it should count and I want a gold star for it! 😉