Tag Archives: make it stop

What My Stomach Feels

This may seem strange to other people but…I don’t really know what the sensations my stomach sends out mean, at least not every time…do other people know how to decode the sensations they feel in their stomachs? I think they probably do, which just makes me a weirdo in yet another way. *rolls eyes*

I gained another pound this week. Last week I lost 0.4lbs so it is safe to say I am NOT impressed. I want to be going down in weight, not staying the same, or going up, and yet, if you average the month I stayed the same. sigh. I go up a little. I go down a little. I go up a little. I go down a little. You get the idea. It sucks!

I can’t find the correlation between what I am doing wrong and the weight gain, I mean ok sure I had a couple binges in there…maybe more than a couple, but I counteracted the binges with restricting days and increased activity so I thought things would be ok.

They are not ok.

So I made a promise to myself, which I already hate because I loathe people who break promises but oh man, this one is freakin hard and I shouldn’t have done it.

I promised myself that every single time I eat something I will eat along with that meal or snack either some fruit or some veggies. I haven’t been eating them very often because well, oh geez, the explanation might need its own paragraph…

Ok, so I tend to not eat fruits and veg not because I don’t like them but because they are not a safe food. You would think they would be safe right? I know a lot of people who have veggies for safe foods because they are low cal but I don’t track calories I track Weight Watcher points. In the land of WW fruits and veggies are 0 points, which means you can eat as many as you want and it doesn’t count against your daily points – your Daily Points being how much food you have to eat in a day. So say you eat a 3oz chicken breast and a cup of veggies, you count the chicken but not the veggies when tallying how many points of food you eat.

But! Just because something doesn’t have points in the land of WW doesn’t mean it doesn’t have calories! Or fat! Or carbs!

If I eat those zero point foods then I don’t have enough space in my stomach to eat food that has points. I also mentally can’t handle eating that much food. So…I cut the zero point food out of my world. Not an absolute cut them out, I eat a tiny bit of fruit and veg, but not very much. I figured I was doing a good thing, all those people on WW who eat their daily points worth of food aaaaand eat fruits and veggies, they are taking in waaaaay more calories than they realize! I was being smart, seeing the flaw and adjusting for it.

However, in my more rational moments I realize I am not eating a well balanced meal plan and maybe the lack of ya know, food groups, is affecting my weight loss?

My safe foods are:

oatmeal, PB2 (powdered peanut butter), bread (two slices a day max), protein pancakes, eggs (one a day max), egg whites (two a day max), turkey bacon (two slices a day max), light shredded cheese (20g max a day), plain chicken breasts (2 per week max), 3oz salmon (1-2 per week max), greek yoghurt OR light cottage cheese (2-3 times a week max)

This past week I was craving corn flakes like crazy so I snagged some from work and added those in to the rotation but otherwise, it doesn’t change much. Obviously I don’t eat all that food in one day, but that is what I rotate between.

So yeah…not really seeing fruit or veg in there. I was eating bananas for a while, I was on a real kick with them and ate one a day, and before the banana kick I was also eating apples, the occasional orange, but like I said, I had to stop because if I eat an orange I am full and can’t eat food that has points that I am supposed to track, which means I end up under my points for the day and according to the program rules that is really bad. Like, epic bad.

Back to my promise to myself…I am now swearing that for a week, every time I eat something I will also have a piece of fruit or some veggies.

So tonight after working out I ate veggies with my chicken…and then I didn’t know what my stomach was doing.

It felt weird, it was making noticeable sensations and I have nooooo idea what they meant. Did they mean I hadn’t eaten enough and was hungry? I decided no since I’d just eaten a full meal by anyone’s standards. Did it mean I cooked something wrong and was getting food poisoning? I decided no because I didn’t throw up. Did it mean I ate too much? Quite possibly, I’m not great at understanding portions. Did it mean I ate when I shouldn’t have? Also quite possible, except, I was back from working out for 2 hours and according to the rules of WW and of people who seem to have this normal eating thing figured out, I should be eating.

So what the hell?

My stomach is making all these weird sensations that I can feel, that are distracting me from the tv show I was trying to watch, that are making me get up and move around because I can’t stand to be feeling them, and I don’t know what they mean, and they are freaking me out!

It is so much easier when I don’t eat, I can identify the pain from not eating, the feeling of my stomach giving up on getting food that day, the feeling of being empty.

This? This sensation that came right after I ate, this I can’t identify and oh man I do not like it.

How do I make it stop??

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Binge Then Binge Then Binge Some More

I feel like all I do lately is eat, and not normal people eat but binge eat. What does that look like? Well, in my world that looks like a hella lot of food, eaten in a short amount of time, daily, for weeks.

It doesn’t feel good, not even in the moment, so why do I do it?

I dunno.

I spend all my time not eating thinking about what I am going to eat and when I am getting food ready I’m not even pretending I am not going to eat a lot. While something is cooking I am standing in my kitchen eating peanut butter out of the container while I make some toast and pour some cereal in to a bowl and go digging for some cookies.

In case you’re wondering that isn’t a made up example, that was me this evening when I got home. It took every ounce of willpower I had to not stop and buy doughnuts¬†or McDonald’s or Burger King or cake or pie or ice cream on my way home but none of that mattered because when I got home I heated up a double portion of leftover stew, ate a cookie, then ate a bunch of peanut butter right from the jar while the stew cooked, then had two bowls of Froot Loops and some toast, then ate the stew I warmed up then had I don’t even know how many cookies…It would have been eaten even faster than it was if it hadn’t taken so long for the stew to heat up…

I now feel sick to my stomach, mad at myself, disgusted with how I look and how I let myself eat all that food and how gross I feel, and I feel sad, and pissed off that other people seem to not have problems like this…why can other people eat whatever they want and be fine but if I eat I go on benders like this that don’t bring me anything but down?

I’ve hit some kind of new low and I don’t know how to get out of this eating rut I am in. Usually I fluctuate between not eating, well ok to be specific I eat but small amounts of food (between 700 to 780 calories max a day) and binge eating but this…this is just binge eating, days and days and weeks and weeks of binge eating. WTF??

I don’t like it but I can’t seem to stop it.

Although, yesterday I managed to not binge. It was like a freakin miracle had occurred. I was at a training session for work all day and wasn’t sure what the food sitch would be like so I took ¬†4 drinks (I like to hydrate, it helps me feel full), plus some grapes and a hummus and crackers snack thingy. Turns out they fed us so I had some fruit mid morning that they provided, that was 3 half slices of melon and one slice of an orange. Then lunch was asparagus soup and a medley of sandwiches. I am ashamed to say I ate an entire sandwich and half a bowl of soup. Then there were dessert type items for afternoon snacks. I shouldn’t have done it but I had half a piece of chocolate cake. Other people there were taking 2, 3 even 4 desserts and not seeming to have any guilt about their portions but there I was with my half piece feeling intense shame at having put it on my plate. Do other people not feel shame about eating?! Oh, and somewhere in there I ate my grapes…I ate them before the cake, so mid afternoon sometime. Then I did a stupid stupid thing and grabbed two chocolate chip cookies on the way out the door and when I got home I ate one portion of the stew that I binge ate tonight. Paired with the stew I had two pieces of bread with margarine on them. I wouldn’t let myself eat after that but the whole night all I kept thinking about was food, how I wanted to eat something, anything, as long as there was a lot of it. I started fantasizing about the Froot Loops and it took everything I had to not open the box and pour the biggest bowl of cereal ever seen. Seriously, so hard to not eat it. I went to bed with a growling stomach but no way could I be hungry, not real hungry, right? I mean, I had eaten food throughout the day, more than I should have, so I figure the growling stomach thing was my body being stupid, thinking it was hungry when it wasn’t, trying to trick me in to a binge fest…bodies can do that, right?

So now here I am ranting, not making any sense, rambling on about what I ate, and its like I can’t get my brain to shut the fuck off. It is moving so quickly from one thing to another but all those things are somehow related to food. Either I’m thinking about something to eat, or thinking about how I should never be allowed to eat again, or thinking about how tomorrow I have to have a double work out to make up for what I ate today, or thinking that maybe I’ll just hide in the apartment and not go out and not eat anything, and why why why can my brain not stop thinking about food and how I want it but hate it and never want it again but it tastes so good but it makes me feel so gross and omg make it freakin stop!

I hate this.