Tag Archives: lose weight

Decisions Decisions

I’ve hit a plateau and I’m pissed about it. According to weight watchers, if I follow their rules, I will lose weight. Maybe I won’t lose it as fast as I would like but I will lose it.

It hasn’t been a total fail, I have lost 11.8lbs in a so-called healthy way, which is a novelty lol normally I lose weight by starving myself, so seeing the number on the scale get smaller while eating every day has been odd.

I’ve been struggling with the whole eating every day thing, and the amount of food they want me to eat every day, but I’ve been trying my best to keep to their rules.

Well! I think their plan is flawed. I’ve been following the rules and for three weeks now I have stayed the same weight. The exact same weight! Who does that??

It is pissing me off. Grr!

I have decided to cut back on the amount of food I eat in a day and see if that helps. In the world of weight watchers food is converted to smart points and you get so many smart points a day. I get 30 smart points a day and am supposed to eat them all every single day. Ugh.

I’ll start small, I’m going to eat 25 smart points worth of food per day, well ok, today I ate 24, but its close, just one less than the plan. I was going to go down to 20 but maybe dropping by 10 (that is 1/3 of my allotted food per day) is too big of a drop. I want to shock my body out of this plateau but not freak it out ya know?

I feel so much better now that I have made this decision. I feel calmer, more in control, more like I am taking strides to achieve my goal. Its nice to feel like I am making the choices again vs blindly following someone else’s rules.

It makes sense if you think about it, I need to lose weight, I shouldn’t be eating so much if I want to lose weight and cutting back on how much I eat each day should help me reach my goal faster. It’ll still be a healthy weight loss, I’m not cutting down to super low quantities of food like I’ve done in the past so its not like I’m starving myself. I’m just being more proactive in my efforts. πŸ™‚

I feel so much better now that I’ve made this decision. πŸ˜€



All I Think About

To make up for the disaster that was my food yesterday I swore today I’d be careful with what I eat. I slept most of the day, which helped lol I went almost 24 hours without eating which I suppose some people would think is a bad thing but makes me feel better about things. I ate bread sticks and chocolate chip cookies yesterday, I had to counter act that somehow! I had originally planned to work out three times today, instead of my normal one or two times but when I woke up it was 4:27pm and that kinda through me for a loop, and ruined my schedule. Oops.

So instead I restricted…

My first meal was one egg, two slices of turkey bacon and an apple. I knew I’d be hungry again later so I planned ahead for that and had what I tell people in real life is a snack or treat but in actuality it is something I consider a meal. I take a Special K Protein Drink, chocolate flavour, blend it with a frozen banana and maybe some other frozen fruit and boom! It is yummy, depending on how much fruit to liquid ratio there is it either turns out as a smoothie type drink or an ice cream type texture food I can put in a bowl and eat with a spoon. The fruit mixed with the chocolate drink makes it taste good and despite the drink being so high in calories (190!) I seem to be ok with it.

So there ya have it, my food for the day, I clocked in with having eaten 558 calories for the day, I suppose I could have eaten less, I know I did last Tuesday, but at least I didn’t eat more. Any day I eat under 700 calories I count as a win because usually I eat somewhere between 700 – 780 calories and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to consistently eat less than that without consequences, sigh.

I see other women who are so skinny, who I imagine never binge on bread sticks, or cave and eat ice cream, women who look amazing and I envy, and I wonder how many calories they eat, how do they manage it, it must be a low number and I feel like such a failure I can’t eat less and get skinny faster.

I wish I ate less. And yes I know, I am the one in control of how much and what I eat so if I want to eat less I should just eat less but its hard.

All I seem to think about is food. Like today, when I woke up, before I got out of bed I planned what I was going to eat, running through my safe food choices and for some reason I thought I’d cook the egg and turkey bacon, fry up some sliced tomato and put it all on toast, have a BLT but with turkey bacon instead of pig bacon. I actually thought that up and thought I would do it, for a second or two anyways, before I reminded myself that I don’t eat bread anymore, and I can’t have the miracle whip I would have put on the sandwich, and basically the whole meal is one big fat nope. Why would I even think of that? It made my actual meal seem so much less satisfying, sigh.

After that, while I was sitting and reading a portion of my brain was constantly thinking about food. What will I eat next, what time will I eat, then it was thinking of foods I can’t eat, and thinking of binge eating, and just over and over and over again food was in my thoughts.

It sucks.

I got asked by the lady who called me about my referral to the adult ed program how often I think about food, from 1% to 100% of the day, to rate it. I didn’t know what to say, how do I rate shit like that? I said somewhere in the 90s buuuuuut maybe it is actually higher. Thing is, I know my food issues are nowhere near as bad as other peoples’ are so if they are thinking about food 100% then I must be thinking about it less, so maybe I should have said like 85%? I dunno. It is like rating pain on a scale of 1 to 10, I suck at that too because pain can always get worse so I never want to rate it high, even if it is, because I feel I have to leave room for it to increase…does that make sense?

My brain feels fuzzy and I am having trouble focusing. I want to write something else, something to describe how I am feeling and what I am going through but I can’t seem to form the words right now. I should’ve had more caffeine earlier lol I can’t have it now though because I need to sleep because I have to get up at a normal time tomorrow and I’ve totally messed up my sleep schedule. Though, along with the fuzzy and lack of focusing brain I also feel tired so maybe I’ll get to sleep ok…we shall see!

hard work


I Don’t Know

I’m not sure how I feel about myself today…is that weird?

I started a new eating plan today, I am once again attempting to be “healthy” by society’s standards so I have cut out all carbs except for what is naturally occurring in vegetables and fruit, and theoretically I will be eating high protein and high healthy fat.

I’m having trouble wrapping my brain around there being such a thing as “healthy fat” so instead of trying to reconcile with that I am focusing on the protein. I know I don’t get enough protein but if I am going to stay competitive on my sports team I neeeeeed to get some more in to me, like, daily, not just once every couple weeks. sigh.

I ended up eating a ridiculous amount of food today, I feel overly full, and have a pain in my stomach area, and am not happy at all.

But again, trying not to focus on that and just remember there is a reason I am doing this to myself…I want to race…I am good at racing…but if I can’t keep up my strength I’m screwed and protein is supposed to help with that. But oh my gawd it makes me feel so full and not in a I-had-a-binge-so-at-least-there-was-some-enjoyment-from-getting-to-feel-this-full kind of way but just in a omg-kill-me-now-I-ate-too-much-food-today-and-I-feel-disgusting-and-fat-and-ashamed-and-ugh.

I know that what I ate is considered uber healthy by other people’s standards, but their standards are not my standards and to me I feel like I failed. Any day I eat more than 750 calories feels like I failed.

Despite feeling like I failed, and despite feeling overly full and kinda in pain, I’m not actually as upset as I should be. I thiiiink that is because I researched the shit out of my new eating plan, I have pages and pages of info written up detailing what I will be eating daily so I don’t have to think about it, I can just follow the rules I outlined for myself. I’m hoping that as long as I follow the rules I can get past the freaking out part and handle the eating, and the sensation of having food in me almost all the time but not in a binge quantity level.

Does that even make sense? It does to me but as we all know I don’t necessarily think like other people lol πŸ˜›

I am having trouble coping with the knowledge that tomorrow I have to eat all over again. Normally if I ate today I wouldn’t eat tomorrow, or I’d eat very little, but this plan has rules for every day of the week and if I’m gonna follow them one day then I have to follow them every day, otherwise what is the point of torturing myself on some of the days?

The upside to all this is that I also started a new fitness regime so I am working out more, yay! Anything to help burn off some of these calories!

I am still doing my normal exercises but I have added this additional training program, it is one that is designed so you can do it in your house even if you don’t have gym equipment. Normally I don’t like programs like that but this one has good moves (I think anyways), modifications to make it harder, different workouts as the weeks progress, and since I can do them at home I have absolutely no excuse to not work out. Some days I hermit and don’t work out because I can’t face the gym or the hiking trails or anything. But now, even on my hermit days I can do these moves.

I’m really hoping the addition of the extra workouts and the protein will kick in super fast so I see at least some results soon. I know that is stupid, results don’t happen overnight, but if I don’t notice something quickly I am worried I’ll drop this program before I have a chance to see it work and then I’ll be back to square one, fat, desperately trying to get thin, but no idea how to get there…

little by little


Without Even Counting

I’ve been slacking with my calorie counting lately. I’m not entirely sure why, usually I enjoy putting in to my Fitbit App everything I eat and seeing how many calories I eat in a day. Also, tracking makes sure I don’t accidentally eat too much. But yeah, the past week has had spotty tracking. Well, in the app at least, I still keep a running count in my head throughout the day, doesn’t everybody?

I know some of the days I didn’t track I went over my calories, I am not sure by exactly how much, but I definitely went over, sigh. I think that might be part of the reason I didn’t track, because I ate something horribly bad for me and was too embarrassed to put it in to my app. I couldn’t bare the thought of having to see the number of calories I ate in the day be over 750 so instead I didn’t track anything and the day just looks like a gaping hole of information when I look at my stats. I didn’t eat horrible on all of the days though, some of them I did exceptionally well on! Like last Wednesday where all I ate for over 24 hours was two pieces of toast. I was so proud of myself that day. πŸ™‚ Β And this past Sunday started off great, I didn’t eat anything until almost 6pm and when I did eat it was oatmeal…I screwed up later that day by eating a piece of Rhubarb & Raspberry pie though, sadness. 😦

But yeah so, it has been up and down food wise for me this past week.

Today I didn’t track my food until towards the end of the day and then I plugged in everything in one sitting. I was so scared I was going to be at a ridiculously high amount of calories and the day was not even over yet but I didn’t do so badly.

Today I ate 707 calories.

Without even counting I stayed within my acceptable calorie range for the day! Go me go! πŸ˜€

It makes me wonder, minus the day I ate the piece of pie, and the day I ate pizza (don’t judge!), maybe I didn’t eat as many calories as I feel I ate. When I was putting my food in to the app this evening I sat there for a good ten minutes after I had everything inputted going over and over my day wondering what food I missed because for sure I ate more than what I put in the tracker, I mean I must have, no way I stayed in my calorie range without even trying, right?

But here it is, hours later, I’ve gone over my day step-by-step and I know I haven’t missed any food so I really did eat 707 calories.

I managed to not over eat, to not screw up, without even tracking! I feel so happy about this! I don’t know if it is because I just instinctively know when to stop eating so I don’t over eat, or if I had a running tally in my head that I wasn’t aware of, or if it is because the foods I ate today were all safe foods so as long as I don’t binge I stand a good chance of not screwing up my calories for the day, or maybe it is a combination of all three. I’m not sure, and while I do kind of care I also kind of don’t care, I am just happy.

It gives me hope that I can continue with my restrictive eating and not screw up because if I can manage to not screw up on a day I didn’t track than maybe I can keep with the not screwing up on a regular basis. πŸ™‚

side view

Hot! Hot! Hot!

I made dinner tonight and purposely made it super hot so I would be forced to eat slowly. I was really hungry and knew if the food was at an easy to eat temperature I’d end up scarfing everything in the bowl and still being hungry afterwards which would just lead to a binge because I’d end up back in the kitchen eating who knows what!

So, I made it really hot, forcing me to eat slowly.

They say it takes 20 minutes for your body to realize it is full, I was hoping by eating slowly once I was done my body would be all “oh yeah, you’re full, no need for anything more” but that didn’t really happen, sigh.

I was still hungry, ugh. 😦

I made a cup of tea and am hoping that the hunger is actually just me being thirsty. I read that somewhere, that the majority of the time when we think we are hungry we are actually thirsty so when I feel hungry the first thing I do is drink something, usually water or tea or diet coke.

As I type this I have the cup of tea to my left and am hoping that will make the empty feeling go away. I’m trying to get myself off this binge cycle I’ve been on and get back to restricting and I think increasing my fluid intake will help with that.

*crosses fingers*

fat girl

It’s Not Working Anymore!

Ok, this post might talk about some kinda gross stuff, so…sorry!

I binge eat, and restrict, and then binge eat *rolls eyes* It is a stupid cycle. I wish I could just stick with restricting like I used to but the past year has been the year of binge eating and well, that just sucks.

Sadly, I am not good at purging. I can never seem to make myself throw up so when I binge the food stays in me, making me feel disgusting and sick and fat. Not only does it make me feel fat it actually makes me fat cause ya know, it is in me!

To counter act the food I exercise, and restrict (when I can get my willpower working) and try various pills and supplements and such.

My most recent thing that I tried, and that worked, was taking Cayenne Pepper Pills and Green Tea Pills part way through eating something or right after finishing whatever I am eating. The cayenne pepper pills combined with the green tea pills help to boost your metabolism and (here is a gross part) help you shit out the food super fast. I liked them because they worked and also they are all natural so it isn’t like I am taking a laxative or anything, just a little metabolism booster, and that can’t be so bad, right?

Well…here’s the problem, they don’t work anymore. *pout* I have been binge eating more than normal this past week so for the past couple days as soon as I finish a binge I take those pills and wait for the magic to happen. I know, pretty words don’t make the visual aaaany better. But nothing happened.


And because I have been particularly focused on bodily functions as of late I realized that I’m not expelling nearly as much as I am taking in. Which means it is all sitting in me, making me fatter!

Oh my god just get out of me already! Arg!

So I went old school and popped a laxative but that didn’t do much, not like how they used to, sigh.

Here I am, it is late night, I didn’t take any of the pills today but I am having some intermittent abdominal pain that isn’t indicative of an impending bathroom trip (unfortunately), it is just pain that comes and goes but never goes away completely, ya know? Oh, and to make things even more awesome earlier today when I burped I swear to god bile rose from my stomach and was in my mouth, it was so nasty, ugh. And to top that I have found lately that if I bend over from the waist to say, pick something up, I can feel the bile moving up my throat, but at least when I stand upright again that goes away.

It is not enjoyable at all.

I’ve never had side effects from the cayenne and green tea pills that involved bile or burping or anything like that. The first couple times I took them there was some tummy pain but it didn’t last long and I was forewarned about that but by about the third time taking the pills there was no more pain so I figured my body was all good with them.

I guess my body got too ok with them since they aren’t working anymore but now I don’t know what to do, what to take to help me get rid of this food, sigh.

It would be so much easier if I could just figure out a way to bring it all up, although my dentist is pretty in to details and he might notice the tooth damage that comes with that, sigh.

Although, as I type this I wonder, those pills were kind of a safety net, I knew if I had a binge I could take the pills and help negate some of the damage from the pills but maybe knowing I don’t have the safety net anymore I will be better able to restrict my food intake…hmm…that is something to think about…

I’ve head about teas that help you lose weight, I think it was a Chinese Tea, I saw it reviewed on a YouTube video. I didn’t order it at the time because the review said once you take it don’t go anywhere because you’ll need a bathroom frequently for the rest of the day and I so rarely have days I can stay in for the whole time but maybe I will have to revamp my schedule and make some days like that.

You can’t get to where you want to be without some sacrifices, I can sacrifice my schedule to become skinny, it is the most important thing after all.

go out

Have You Told?

I’ve never told anyone in person I have an eating disorder, hell, I can’t even say the words out loud when I am alone in a room and only I would hear.

When I research getting help for my little food issue (that is how I like to refer to it in my head) I find roadblocks which generally make me feel a combination of (1) lost and alone and (2) like the universe says I don’t need help, it just isn’t meant to be.

When I think about getting help, and I don’t mean in the abstract but am seriously thinking about it I feel terrified. Terrified of what getting help means, what is involved, what would happen. I have watched countless videos on YouTube by people with eating disorders and some of them are about what to expect when getting treatment and oh wow it sounds freakin horrible! I read blog posts by people getting various types of treatments and it seems like the only common thing between all those people is how they are finding ways to get around the rules of the treatment they are receiving.

I know that would be me…so what would be the point?

Sometimes though, when I am thinking a bit deeper than normal I wonder if the fear I have of getting treatment, of asking for treatment, of admitting I need treatment is not really me but my weird little inner voice talking. That same voice that tells me how fat I am, how I can’t eat anything, how I have to exercise all the time, how any little slip up is proof I am weak and pathetic and don’t really want to be skinny…if that voice is also telling me treatment is scary. Is it that voice that is telling me my doctor would be no help, that I can’t talk to her, that I can’t ask her to refer me for help to that program I found that is free?

Is it possible that voice is scared of being quieted or ignored and so it convinces me to not ask for help in order to save itself?

Thing is I don’t know my doctor super well, I got her as my general physician (some people call them family physician) hmm, a year and a bit ago maybe, no, probably closer to 2 years. In that time I have seen her 3 times or so. I am not a big go-to-the-doctor-for-every-little-thing person. In fact I am the opposite, I am the person that doesn’t go even when she probably should cause I don’t particularly care for doctors, shrug.

My impression of my doctor, from those whopping 3 visits is that she is very practical, no nonsense, likes to send me for freakin blood work and other types of tests and I don’t think she would believe I need help.

Why don’t I think she would believe I need help?


(1) I am too fat, I don’t look like I have an eating disorder

(2) I don’t know how to put in to words why I think I may need help, or what behaviours I am indulging in so I’d start talking and end up sounding like an idiot

(3) I feel like she would just tell me to eat normally, or stop eating so much (if I tell her about my binge eating) or tell me it is ok if I restrict because I have weight to lose anyways (if I tell her about my restricting)

(4) When I feel super low and desperate and really want help I can’t get to her, I can’t make myself call her office and demand an appointment and when I am capable of calling cause I have a bit better handle on things I feel like I wouldn’t be taken seriously because I am obviously functioning juuuust fine

I just don’t feel like she would take me seriously, I expect her to do the equivalent of a “it’s ok, just rub some dirt in it and you’ll be fine” diagnosis.

I don’t know the stats on how many people go to doctors for help and get turned away, so maybe this is an irrational fear I am having, but maybe it isn’t and I really don’t feel like screwing up the courage to tell someone I don’t really know all that well that I am struggling only to be turned away, it’s mortifying just to think about let alone have to live through. Can you imagine the binge fest that would result if that happened?!

So what I am wondering is if anyone has stories to share about how they initially got help, how did you ask? What did you say? How was the response?

I just need some sort of idea of what happens so that if I ever do decide to ask my doctor for a referral to that program I have a bit of a road map in my head of what to expect, I think I’d do better if I had a vague idea of what would be coming at me, ya know?

help 2