Ok so actually it is more like a bad 4 or 5 days, but that title doesn’t sound as good.
I’ve been sad for days. Sad to the point that I went to work and felt like I was barely managing to get out of there with enough energy to get home and hide from the world. I was existing at the level of just enough to not get fired or royally fuck up my world level – nothing extra.
This happens now and then, usually I hermit and after whatever length of time it takes to get through it is over I slowly emerge and try to fix all the damage I did to my world when I was too sad to give a fuck.
Real winner of a person over here I tell ya! 😉
This past Monday it was getting to a level where I was having trouble hiding it, unfortunately I had two groups that day. sigh. Nothing like trying to not show how sad you are when you’re in a group that is designed to get through to your emotions.
The first group is two hours and when it is done for the day you have to fill out this form that gives a quick snapshot of how you are doing that day and for the previous week. It asks things like if you’ve been engaging in your ed behaviours and if so how much, and have you had suicidal thoughts, what is a goal you have for the coming week, things like that.
Well, I put for my goal I was going to work on getting up more slowly from a seated position because I had noticed that when I stand I am getting dizzy. Now don’t go freaking out at me, I don’t mean dizzy like I’m gonna fall over and crack my head open, just kinda woooo everything is moving but I brace against something and I’m all good in 30 seconds or so. No biggy.
Apparently I shouldn’t have written that because after the second group one of the counsellors came up to me and mentioned the other counsellor (who had been co-running the first group) had read my form and was worried and he wanted to check with me that I was ok.
What the hell am I supposed to say if someone is looking you in the eyes and asking if you’re ok? Of course I said I was fine, brushed it off, said I wasn’t sure why it was happening but it is no biggy. He suggested I see I doctor. I told him I saw her two weeks ago and no way was I going back again so soon. He also kept saying he wanted me to make sure I took care of myself.
What does that mean?
I was so confused, but too sad to bother with asking, but it has been confusing me ever since.
Take care of myself?
Of course I take care of myself, I live alone, if I don’t take care of myself no one else will.
I’m trying to puzzle it out and I’m wondering if he meant don’t engage in any self-harm behaviours? Or maybe he meant don’t engage in eating disorder behaviours?…Which seems a large request to be making…or maybe he meant to try to nudge me in to changing my mind and go to the doctor after all?
I saw him today for one-on-one and meant to ask him but got distracted by our convo. He mentioned something that has been bugging me since our one-on-one (I swear this man has the ability to say things that leave me pondering for days lol). At that second group a diagram was drawn and everyone was all “oh I get that, I really connect with that, I never really understood that until now” where as I was all “what the fuck?” So, after everyone was done with their glowing remarks and I felt like I was gonna burst in to tears because the diagram just made me even more sad I spoke up and said:
“this picture makes me sad”
Five little words.
I never say if I am sad. Hell, I don’t say if I am any emotion but especially not sad!
And yet, those words came out of my mouth, because apparently I am slowly learning how to share and that evening I couldn’t keep my emotions to myself. They felt like they were brimming over, about to burst out, and it was either say something or explode.
So I said the picture makes me sad, and explained why.
And people listened. One of the other people in group said how they hadn’t looked at it that way (my way) but she could see why I interpret the picture that way and feel sad as a result. I just this moment realized she validated my emotions…I don’t know that anybody has done that before…huh…
But ok, not the point!
So that all happened. Then today in the one-on-one my counsellor said that the other counsellor that was there Monday said that my saying I was sad, and sharing, was the first time she felt I was ever truthful about what I am feeling. It is the first time since her and I have been in groups together that I really shared my true emotion.
I want to get offended by that, or mad, or something, but I can’t, because I don’t easily share what I am feeling. Not to people I know really well, especially not to people I don’t really know, or don’t know at all. She is new to me. She just appeared one week, I guess she was away for a while, others knew her, but to me she was just a new face that seemed to feel she knew how everything worked and ran and like she had some right to be there asking me questions, replacing the counsellors I had finally gotten used to over the months I have been there.
Why would she think I would just boom! open up to her, or around her, when I don’t know her?
So now I have lots of things to ruminate on…what I spoke with my counsellor about today, the fact that I actually shared a real time emotion in group, trying to figure out what he meant about taking care of myself, the fact that this new to me counsellor is talking about me to the other counsellor…sigh…