Tag Archives: gaining weight

War

I feel like I am at war with myself and I don’t know which side I want to win.

Lots of people talk about the whole eating disorder voice, how you have this voice in your head that tells you what you can and can’t eat or how much to exercise, or whatever – it is different for everyone.

But…I don’t really get that, I’ve never connected with that whole “voice in my head” thing. The choices I want to make, the rules I have about food and exercise, the way I look at food, it doesn’t sound in my head like a different voice trying to take over, it sounds like my voice, my thoughts, my choices, it is just me. Plain ‘ol me. Not some internal demon trying to take over.

I am the one making the decision to eat, or not eat, and if I do eat deciding what I will eat. I am the one in control. I don’t feel at the mercy of some voice in my head.

Sometimes this makes me wonder if I don’t really have an eating disorder, because I don’t identify with this idea of having a voice that sounds different than mine in my head.

This uncertainty, combined with my natural defensiveness and instinctive rebellion against authority is making this whole recovery deal a bit hard to grasp, or believe in.

Hence the war.

The dietitian I am seeing wants me to eat certain amounts of certain food groups daily, spaced out on a loosely timed schedule.

I don’t like it.

But do I not like it because I don’t agree with the plan on a nutritional level, or because I don’t like being told when and what to eat, or because I am feeling judged for how I do eat and feel like being given this framework to follow is a set-up for showing how flawed my choices are? They are all viable options for answers.

Every time I try to follow the plan the dietitian made I fail. Actually, not true, I managed it for two days, and I became permanently bloated, my abdominal area was distended, my stomach hurt all the time, I was miserable, so I stopped. I had to stop, what she wanted obviously wasn’t working. There is a flaw in her plan and no point in continuing with it when it is doing me damage.

That is my rational reasoning behind not doing what she wants.

I feel she won’t agree with that reasoning though…

This is getting off topic, mostly because I don’t really know how to put in to words what I am feeling, sigh.

I feel…

hmm…

I feel like I am at war, with myself, with my dietitian, with my case worker, with the world. I feel like I know what I want to look like and all I really want is help getting there but instead I have people trying to sabotage me and take me in the other direction.

I am getting fatter every day. I’m scared to step on the scale but I can see the fat in the mirror. I am losing some of my bones. I am getting rounder. I am contemplating joining a gym again even though I can’t afford it because winter is here and I won’t be able to run outside soon. I am terrified all the time, terrified to get dressed because any day now my clothes won’t fit. Terrified to look in the mirror because I am so fat and disgusting. Terrified people are going to start commenting on how big I am getting. Terrified my recovery team will somehow force me in to eating more – I’m not sure how they could, I’m out patient, and an adult, so they can’t force admit me, but the fear is there. I am terrified to be left alone near food because I feel I’m losing control and will just eat everything visible if given the opportunity. I am terrified that I’m losing my willpower. I’m terrified that I’m going to hurt myself again even though I said I didn’t do that anymore and I always keep my word. I’m terrified I’m going to get so desperate I’m going to pull out my laxatives and diet pills again, even though I said I’d stopped using them, because desperate times call for desperate measures. I’m terrified for the chest pains that come with the using of the pills, I’m more terrified that every day I am more and more ok with the chest pains coming back if it means the pills are working.

I am terrified.

And I hate it.

This battle is internal, and I don’t feel it is against some weird outsider voice that is in my head, it is against my own voice. The battle is me against me, the weak me and the strong me. The me that wants to be skinny badly enough she’ll do anything to get there, and the me that forgets the end goal and caves when she sees a pastry.

Why is how I think about food so wrong? Why am I supposed to look at it as fuel, or enjoyable, or as something that makes me healthy and strong? Why can’t the way I see food be ok?

If the things I think about food are my own thoughts, not some random voice’s thoughts, how do I know which is the right or wrong choice to make? When I think “I ate twice today, that is plenty, no more food for me” it seems like a perfectly rational decision. A decision that is my own. Not an invasive thought from my eating disorder. Just like when trying to follow the nutrition plan the dietitian gave me I struggle with doing what she wants because my thinking doesn’t align with hers and why is my thinking wrong and hers right?

I know I am not making sense, I told you I don’t know how to put what I am feeling in to words *rolls eyes*

Maybe I’ll figure out a better way to describe what I am feeling another day, shrug.

For now I guess I’ll just stay confused and at war.

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I’m Struggling

I’ve been struggling lately and I don’t know what to do.

I mentioned in the post before this one that I was following a new, healthy, eating plan and I’m still on it but I’m screwing up and it isn’t working anymore…

I am following Weight Watchers, I’m not actually going to meetings or anything cause who has that kind of money? I just have all the books an stuff and am doing it on my own. I thought if I followed the Weight Watchers rules I’d lose my extra weight, in a healthy way, it would help control my binge eating and I could get myself under control when it comes to food. For a while it was working, I felt like I was in a bit more control of what I was eating, and even though the program says I have to eat more food per day than what I am comfortable with I promised myself I would not cheat and restrict (or binge!) thereby giving the program the chance to do its thing.

At first I lost weight, sloooowly, but the number on the scale was going down so I worked hard on being happy with the small decreases and not feeling like a failure because I wasn’t losing faster. But then I maintained for a week and I couldn’t figure out why…I had done everything I was supposed to, yet I maintained my weight. I thought maybe it was a glitch, my body getting used to this new system or something so I kept going and the next week I lost, so yay! Then the week after I maintained and I was pissed. If this was the start of some sort of pattern I didn’t like it. I want to lose every week, not lose then maintain then lose then maintain. I have weight loss goals dammit, and timelines for them and no way would I meet them if I maintained every second week. Grr!

I decided to keep with the program and see what the next weigh in brought me, well, it brought me a weight gain of 0.5 pounds!

What. The. Fuck.

Not impressed with that at all!

That got me really down and I didn’t know what to do. Since I don’t go to the meetings or anything I didn’t have anyone to ask what I was doing wrong so I took a look at my tracking for the week, decided I had to be more active and more careful with my food.

In case you don’t know how Weight Watchers works I’ll give you a quick rundown. You do some calculations to determine how much food you are allowed to eat per day, it is based on things like your gender, height, weight, age an stuff. When those calculations are done you get a number, anything from 26 or higher. When you eat something you calculate how many points your food is worth, some things are zero points (most fruits and veggies, salsa, diet coke, tea, water etc), everything else has points attached to it. You write down everything you eat every day and keep track of the points, once you’ve reached your points for the day you stop eating. You have to eat all your daily points, have to! It’s like rule number one, which I hate. There are also Activity Points which you earn by exercising, you keep track of how many you earned and if you want to eat more than your daily points you can eat some of the activity points. Oh, there are also Weekly Points, you get 49 weekly points which are like extras, so say there is a party or something you want to go to and no way you’d be able to eat a slice of birthday cake and not go over your daily points you can use some of your weekly points, think of them as your cheat points lol.

Ok, so now you know the basics of the program.

Well, even though I told myself I’d be more careful after the 0.5 pound weight gain I’d lost my belief in the program. I was down on it and wondering what is the point in going to all that work when I’m not getting results. Because of that thinking I started eating things I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. I got a small ice cream sundae from McD’s one day, an Oreo Iced Capp and donought from Tim Horton’s another day, doubled my morning porridge a third day, you get the idea. Instead of one big binge I was making excuses to eat stupid things that normally I would never allow myself. After a while I stopped making excuses and just let the guilt wash over me while I drove somewhere, bought the food then took it home to eat. I felt like a loser every time I did it, I hated I was doing it, but I couldn’t stop myself.

And therein lies my struggle. I can’t control myself lately and it is screwing with any chance I have of following the program, or losing weight. It is almost worse than binge eating because at least with a binge I do it, it’s over and I can try to move on from it but this is more insidious. Because it was one or two treats a day I can convince myself it isn’t that big a deal so when I go to grab something the next day I don’t have the reasoning “you binged yesterday you can’t do this!” in my head, instead I have “meh sure, why not, you only ate one ice cream treat yesterday, not like you binged”

It’s horrible! And I don’t know how to stop it. 😦

I spent all day today inside, ignoring the world and trying to think of anything but food. Which of course didn’t work because all I seemed to think about was food, sigh. I forced myself to not let myself have any treats and I tracked all my food like a good little Weight Watcher but it sucked balls. It seemed so much harder than before, and instead of feeling good because I was actively doing something to help me lose weight I was feeling like a loser, a failure, like someone who will never be able to act normally around food.

Oh and to top it off today was my weigh-in day and since last week I have gained a pound! So all those stupid treats I was eating this past week did not get burned off with all my exercising (I thought they would have but I guess not…) so now I am even farther away from my goal and really struggling with not following my food urges and eating whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it.

I’m pretty much screwed.

What do I do?? 😦

must lose weight