Tag Archives: food

Meal Plan

I was given a meal plan to follow, starting August 23rd.

So far I have sucked balls at following it.

I have an appointment with the nutritionist this coming Wednesday and I am dreading having to tell her I failed.

I have all these legit reasons for why it hasn’t happened yet, why I’m not following this meal plan, but I think she won’t see them as reasons, only excuses.

I couldn’t start following the meal plan the same day I got it because I didn’t have the food in my place to be able to follow it. Then I went out of town and my eating was all over the place because of being away. When I got back I had gained 1.5 pounds and I had to lose that before I could start some meal plan that had me eating more on a daily basis then I usually do. I can’t start off a meal plan when I am up on the scale, how will I ever lose that weight I gained from the weekend?

Hey now, don’t go judging my logic, it makes sense to me!

Then I was finally down on the scale but still didn’t have the right food in my place. Add to that the whole high potassium thing I’m going through. I can’t just eat what I want I have to be checking the potassium levels of everything and I gotta say, that is screwing with me.

I like spinach, spinach is high potassium, I am no longer supposed to have spinach, but I can’t just swap in some other type of lettuce where I would normally eat spinach, so now the choice is do I eat the spinach anyways and get some dark leafy greens or do I not eat any type of lettuce?

le sigh.

I’m having this issue with a bunch of foods.

So yeah, I have this meal plan, and I’m not following it.

Today was my first real attempt to follow it. I didn’t do great, but at least I sorta tried, that maybe counts for something…

I didn’t eat within 1.5 hours of getting up (that is rule number 1 from her), but I did eventually eat (which sounds stupid but isn’t). When I eventually ate something it was an actual meal, with food groups!

I had a two egg omelette with 1 tablespoon of shredded cheese inside. I topped it with 1 tablespoon of salsa (which I am trying to figure out if that counts as a veg serving…), I also had toast (that is an easy one for me), and a yoghurt (NOT an easy one for me). I was also supposed to have a fruit and a meat, but maybe the egg counts as a meat? I’m not clear on the rules…wait! I just checked, the eggs do count as meat so score for me!

I couldn’t fit a fruit it with that meal, it was too much food already, but I ate a nectarine about 3 hours later.

Then I went to work out for a couple hours.

Then the big dilemma.

When I got home from working out I didn’t want to eat. I wasn’t feeling hungry, I was feeling like any food I ingested would be taking away all the gains I got from my work out, I didn’t want my work out to be wasted because I ate after, ya know?

So I literally paced my kitchen, back and forth, back and forth, do I eat, don’t I eat, should I eat, should I not eat, I’m not hungry, I have been told my hunger signals suck and I need to eat on schedule, I already missed the scheduled time to eat so no point in eating now, eating now is better then not eating at all, I’ve eaten too much today, you haven’t eaten as much as you promised you would when you were given the meal plan, food will make me gain weight, you need to fuel your body, I don’t want to eat, it doesn’t matter what you want, I am in charge of what my body gets, you have to give your body what it needs, I don’t need more food today, yes you do, I’m not hungry, you’ll feel hungry soon and you might binge then, I could just go to bed early, you’ll sleep better if you eat something first…and so on…

Eventually I settled on something, and ended up with a meal that had, get this…food groups! And not just one!

I had a small tortilla wrap with some coleslaw (no dressing), home made turkey salad mix, and a small amount of shredded cheddar cheese.

That is grain, meat, veg, and dairy, all in one!

I ate it. I still wasn’t feeling hungry when I ate it and eating when I don’t feel hungry goes against everything I believe in doing but I said I’d try to follow the meal plan and so far I haven’t and eating this meal put me closer to following then not eating would have done.

Honestly, I still wish I hadn’t eaten anything. I’d be feeling better about myself and not paranoid that as I sit here typing that food is turning to fat and making me bigger.

But at least this way I can go to my meeting next week and say I sort of, kinda, in a way, tried to follow the plan.

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What My Stomach Feels

This may seem strange to other people but…I don’t really know what the sensations my stomach sends out mean, at least not every time…do other people know how to decode the sensations they feel in their stomachs? I think they probably do, which just makes me a weirdo in yet another way. *rolls eyes*

I gained another pound this week. Last week I lost 0.4lbs so it is safe to say I am NOT impressed. I want to be going down in weight, not staying the same, or going up, and yet, if you average the month I stayed the same. sigh. I go up a little. I go down a little. I go up a little. I go down a little. You get the idea. It sucks!

I can’t find the correlation between what I am doing wrong and the weight gain, I mean ok sure I had a couple binges in there…maybe more than a couple, but I counteracted the binges with restricting days and increased activity so I thought things would be ok.

They are not ok.

So I made a promise to myself, which I already hate because I loathe people who break promises but oh man, this one is freakin hard and I shouldn’t have done it.

I promised myself that every single time I eat something I will eat along with that meal or snack either some fruit or some veggies. I haven’t been eating them very often because well, oh geez, the explanation might need its own paragraph…

Ok, so I tend to not eat fruits and veg not because I don’t like them but because they are not a safe food. You would think they would be safe right? I know a lot of people who have veggies for safe foods because they are low cal but I don’t track calories I track Weight Watcher points. In the land of WW fruits and veggies are 0 points, which means you can eat as many as you want and it doesn’t count against your daily points – your Daily Points being how much food you have to eat in a day. So say you eat a 3oz chicken breast and a cup of veggies, you count the chicken but not the veggies when tallying how many points of food you eat.

But! Just because something doesn’t have points in the land of WW doesn’t mean it doesn’t have calories! Or fat! Or carbs!

If I eat those zero point foods then I don’t have enough space in my stomach to eat food that has points. I also mentally can’t handle eating that much food. So…I cut the zero point food out of my world. Not an absolute cut them out, I eat a tiny bit of fruit and veg, but not very much. I figured I was doing a good thing, all those people on WW who eat their daily points worth of food aaaaand eat fruits and veggies, they are taking in waaaaay more calories than they realize! I was being smart, seeing the flaw and adjusting for it.

However, in my more rational moments I realize I am not eating a well balanced meal plan and maybe the lack of ya know, food groups, is affecting my weight loss?

My safe foods are:

oatmeal, PB2 (powdered peanut butter), bread (two slices a day max), protein pancakes, eggs (one a day max), egg whites (two a day max), turkey bacon (two slices a day max), light shredded cheese (20g max a day), plain chicken breasts (2 per week max), 3oz salmon (1-2 per week max), greek yoghurt OR light cottage cheese (2-3 times a week max)

This past week I was craving corn flakes like crazy so I snagged some from work and added those in to the rotation but otherwise, it doesn’t change much. Obviously I don’t eat all that food in one day, but that is what I rotate between.

So yeah…not really seeing fruit or veg in there. I was eating bananas for a while, I was on a real kick with them and ate one a day, and before the banana kick I was also eating apples, the occasional orange, but like I said, I had to stop because if I eat an orange I am full and can’t eat food that has points that I am supposed to track, which means I end up under my points for the day and according to the program rules that is really bad. Like, epic bad.

Back to my promise to myself…I am now swearing that for a week, every time I eat something I will also have a piece of fruit or some veggies.

So tonight after working out I ate veggies with my chicken…and then I didn’t know what my stomach was doing.

It felt weird, it was making noticeable sensations and I have nooooo idea what they meant. Did they mean I hadn’t eaten enough and was hungry? I decided no since I’d just eaten a full meal by anyone’s standards. Did it mean I cooked something wrong and was getting food poisoning? I decided no because I didn’t throw up. Did it mean I ate too much? Quite possibly, I’m not great at understanding portions. Did it mean I ate when I shouldn’t have? Also quite possible, except, I was back from working out for 2 hours and according to the rules of WW and of people who seem to have this normal eating thing figured out, I should be eating.

So what the hell?

My stomach is making all these weird sensations that I can feel, that are distracting me from the tv show I was trying to watch, that are making me get up and move around because I can’t stand to be feeling them, and I don’t know what they mean, and they are freaking me out!

It is so much easier when I don’t eat, I can identify the pain from not eating, the feeling of my stomach giving up on getting food that day, the feeling of being empty.

This? This sensation that came right after I ate, this I can’t identify and oh man I do not like it.

How do I make it stop??

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Pie

I ate pie today, and not like a normal person where I had one slice, oh no, heaven forbid I don’t be a disgusting pig *rolls eyes* I was well on my way to finishing off the entire thing when I finally managed to stop. It’s a little hard to tell because it was smooshed in my bowl but I’d say I ate 3/4 of the pie…plus topped it with Ben n Jerry’s Half-Baked ice cream.

Ugh.

It would appear that going to the Adult Ed Information Session on Monday has set me on a path of binge, binge, and binge some more!

What. The. Fuck. šŸ˜¦

Today was pie, yesterday was an entire box of macaroni and cheese and some chocolate, Tuesday I managed to have some restraint but Monday on the way home from the session I bought freakin McDonald’s (two cheeseburgers no pickle, fries and a chocolate milkshake thanks very much).

I am a walking disaster.

I feel so sick to my stomach. I finished the pie eating fiasco hmm…two hours ago maybe and I am still horrendously nauseous. On top of that, before I ate the pie I was actually doing well for the day but was feeling a bit off in the tummy for no reason I can deduce so all I did by eating the pie and ice cream was compound the sick feeling. I thiiiiink I was feeling sick from the binge yesterday, like a food hangover, maybe? It’s my best guess anyways.

On top of all this I missed my team practice this evening, and we compete this Saturday! Tonights practice was so so so important and I fucking missed it because I was eating fucking pie! I let my team down, and me down, and for what? A pie that wasn’t even that good? For a chance to stuff more food in to my gut? For an experience that leaves me hating myself?

Yeah, good choice there dumb ass.

I was in the shower a bit ago and had the realization that I missed practice, something I actually love going to, for pie, and I cried a little. I’m not really a crier but that knowledge broke a part of me. Knowing that I am so out of control that I skipped something important so I could eat pie.

That’s so not normal.

I have approximately three months before I get in to the program, wait lists an all that. And I have no money to get personal counselling any earlier than that so I have to sit with this knowledge, not knowing how to process it, and what do you bet by the time I do get in to the program I will have blocked this from active memory so I never bring it up, or I am so embarrassed I choose to never bring it up because who would want to admit to this?

I hate myself right now. I hate the choice I made. I hate that I didn’t recognize the choice I was making as the wrong one. I hate that 99% of the time I think I am in control but then something like this happens and I realize I am not but I don’t know how to fix anything. I hate that there is nothing I can do right this very second to help myself because I don’t know how. I hate that our wonderful free healthcare system means having to deal with wait lists. I hate that I am so weak I got myself in to this situation in the first place and I really hate I can’t figure out how to get out of it on my own.

Basically right now I am a big ball of self-hatred…and nausea, don’t forget the nausea. sigh.

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Out Of My Routine

I think most people end up following some sort of routine, even if they hate routines and they try to avoid them, by trying to avoid them they end up in them, even if only minimally.

I do not like routines and schedules and yet I find myself following them when it comes to my food.

I don’t think much about it, I guess I just kind of follow my food routine by rote, but then something big changes and that is when I realize just how much I rely on my food routine / schedule to keep me from screwing up food wise or freaking out about what to eat or when to eat or how much to eat.

Tomorrow I am going out of town, only overnight so its not like it is some crazy big trip but I’m already trying to figure out how to handle all the food situations I may find myself in, and oh boy I think there will be many!

I’m meeting up with a friend, she lives in a small town a couple hours from me, and the plan that was hatched involved us going out for a night of drinking and partying and more drinking, then crashing at her place for a bit before going for brunch Saturday mid-morning.

When we made the plans I thought they’d be those plans that never actually happen so I wasn’t worried about it but somehow they are going from theory to reality and uh, crap.

The alcohol alone will kill me calorie wise but add to that the food she will want to eat before we go out, and then eat while out drinking, then eat the next day at brunch…that is a hella lot of food!

So far I have come up with very few ways to get out of eating…

I plan to say I ate before driving up if she suggests food before going out, so at least that should save me from one meal but when out and drinking I dunno…I guess if I am with it enough to remember to say this I can tell her the alcohol is making me feel queasy, or something along that line…and for brunch I suppose I could say I am too hungover to want to eat.

Thing is, she knows I handle my alcohol pretty well, and she knows I don’t get hungover to the point I can’t eat so she might wonder what is going on…I can lie convincingly but I don’t like the idea of planning ahead to lie to her face…something that sucks about having an ed that people don’t think about is how much lying you end up doing, to people you don’t want to lie to, on a regular basis. The little lies become so common you don’t think about them much anymore, but something like what is coming up, when you find yourself planning lies in advance to tell a close friend over the span of 24 hours or so, it makes me feel…unhappy with who I have become. Maybe that’s just me though, shrug.

eating out

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A Binge Solution?

I love doughnuts. They are a food I could binge on every single day. Doesn’t even have to be the fancy ones, I love em all!

I hate doughnuts. They are a food I could binge on every single day. I want to eat them all and can scarf down 6 in under 5 minutes!

Ah doughnuts…I have such a love / hate relationship with you.

I have been wanting doughnuts for hmm, lets see…a week or so now? Basically since my last doughnut binge. I really could eat them every day.

Normally I buy doughnuts from Tim Horton’s because, well, they rock, lol. Also, if I have to select them from a display case and have someone put them in a box for me I tend to not get as many as I want because the embarrassment level is high. I’m always so sure they know I am going to rush home and eat them all…

Wal-Mart however has a 6 pack of simple glazed doughnuts for a measly $1. They are waaay over glazed, dripping glaze all over the place, but they are somehow good and addictive despite all that extraneous glaze. I try not to buy them because (1) even if I tell myself I won’t eat them all at once I know I will, (2) what kind of cheap ass ingredients are they using that they can sell 6 doughnuts for only $1, and (3) doughnuts are not a safe food, they are so far from being a safe food it is ridiculous and they should never ever be allowed in my apartment!

Well jokes on me cause a week ago I bought the stupid things from Wal-Mart and have wanted more ever since.

When I was at Superstore this evening (hey, it was a legit trip, I needed milk!) I wandered over to the bakery section to see if they sold doughnuts, sadly they did not but they did have an amazing looking Swiss Roll Cake. For those that don’t know imagine a chocolate cake that was made kinda thin, then spread white frosting on it and roll it up, Mmm!

Brought that sucker home and was eating it, while standing in the kitchen, waiting for the water to boil for my cup of tea.

I am disgusting. I didn’t even take the cake out of the package, just popped the lid open and dug in with a fork. I consider myself somewhat less a heathen because I started eating the cake from one side rather than digging in right in the middle. Not much of an accomplishment but hey, I’ll take what I can get. *rolls eyes*

Jokes on me though cause that Swiss Roll Cake…not good! I mean, not so horrible I spit it out or anything but ugh, not good. The chocolate cake part is dry and the white frosting is gross.

You’d think that wouldn’t really matter considering how quickly I am eating it right? I mean someone who eats 1/4 of a cake in the time it takes water to boil can’t really be paying thaaaat much attention to flavour, right? And you are right! But even as I shoveled forkful after forkful in to my mouth I was aware I didn’t like how the cake tasted and that made the binge less enjoyable. And hey, a less enjoyable binge is sometimes a binge that might end a bit early…maybe…least this time it was.

I ended up in the living room, sitting on my chair, tea on the table beside me, laptop on and playing Netflix, cake package in one hand, fork in the other, shoveling the gross cake in my mouth and I could’t do it, I couldn’t finish it. It was so un-enjoyable that I could not finish the cake.

Now sure, sometimes when I binge eat I get so far in to the food and have to stop, I take a bit of a breather and maybe 15-30 minutes later I reach over, grab what is left over and continue eating but not this time. I mean yeah, I had the impulse to reach over and grab the cake but…it is gross…and I didn’t want more of that flavour in my mouth, assaulting my poor taste buds. So…I didn’t eat more of the cake. I did eventually go make some toast, but only 2 slices, and all I put on it was some margarine, and ok one slice had raspberry jam but it was in normal quantities. I mean, two slices of toast, that isn’t soooooo bad, is it? *cringe face*

Anyways! This has led me to think that maybe, perhaps, if possible, if you know when you are going to binge eat, and you know you won’t be able to stop yourself, maybe buy (or make, if you’re that kind of person) something that isn’t exactly all that much to your liking. I didn’t know I wasn’t going to like this cake, but I sure am glad I didn’t because instead of eating the entire cake I ate half. Which sure, doesn’t sound like much of a win, but again, I’ll take what I can get where I can get it and half a cake sure seems better to me than a whole cake!

So yeah, that is my suggestion, even though it seems like a waste of money to buy food you don’t particularly like, and yeah, it seems like a waste of food (cause the rest of this cake is most definitely going in to the garbage), isn’t it better to waste a little bit of money and food and save yourself all those calories?

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Binge Then Binge Then Binge Some More

I feel like all I do lately is eat, and not normal people eat but binge eat. What does that look like? Well, in my world that looks like a hella lot of food, eaten in a short amount of time, daily, for weeks.

It doesn’t feel good, not even in the moment, so why do I do it?

I dunno.

I spend all my time not eating thinking about what I am going to eat and when I am getting food ready I’m not even pretending I am not going to eat a lot. While something is cooking I am standing in my kitchen eating peanut butter out of the container while I make some toast and pour some cereal in to a bowl and go digging for some cookies.

In case you’re wondering that isn’t a made up example, that was me this evening when I got home. It took every ounce of willpower I had to not stop and buy doughnutsĀ or McDonald’s or Burger King or cake or pie or ice cream on my way home but none of that mattered because when I got home I heated up a double portion of leftover stew, ate a cookie, then ate a bunch of peanut butter right from the jar while the stew cooked, then had two bowls of Froot Loops and some toast, then ate the stew I warmed up then had I don’t even know how many cookies…It would have been eaten even faster than it was if it hadn’t taken so long for the stew to heat up…

I now feel sick to my stomach, mad at myself, disgusted with how I look and how I let myself eat all that food and how gross I feel, and I feel sad, and pissed off that other people seem to not have problems like this…why can other people eat whatever they want and be fine but if I eat I go on benders like this that don’t bring me anything but down?

I’ve hit some kind of new low and I don’t know how to get out of this eating rut I am in. Usually I fluctuate between not eating, well ok to be specific I eat but small amounts of food (between 700 to 780 calories max a day) and binge eating but this…this is just binge eating, days and days and weeks and weeks of binge eating. WTF??

I don’t like it but I can’t seem to stop it.

Although, yesterday I managed to not binge. It was like a freakin miracle had occurred. I was at a training session for work all day and wasn’t sure what the food sitch would be like so I took Ā 4 drinks (I like to hydrate, it helps me feel full), plus some grapes and a hummus and crackers snack thingy. Turns out they fed us so I had some fruit mid morning that they provided, that was 3 half slices of melon and one slice of an orange. Then lunch was asparagus soup and a medley of sandwiches. I am ashamed to say I ate an entire sandwich and half a bowl of soup. Then there were dessert type items for afternoon snacks. I shouldn’t have done it but I had half a piece of chocolate cake. Other people there were taking 2, 3 even 4 desserts and not seeming to have any guilt about their portions but there I was with my half piece feeling intense shame at having put it on my plate. Do other people not feel shame about eating?! Oh, and somewhere in there I ate my grapes…I ate them before the cake, so mid afternoon sometime. Then I did a stupid stupid thing and grabbed two chocolate chip cookies on the way out the door and when I got home I ate one portion of the stew that I binge ate tonight. Paired with the stew I had two pieces of bread with margarine on them. I wouldn’t let myself eat after that but the whole night all I kept thinking about was food, how I wanted to eat something, anything, as long as there was a lot of it. I started fantasizing about the Froot Loops and it took everything I had to not open the box and pour the biggest bowl of cereal ever seen. Seriously, so hard to not eat it. I went to bed with a growling stomach but no way could I be hungry, not real hungry, right? I mean, I had eaten food throughout the day, more than I should have, so I figure the growling stomach thing was my body being stupid, thinking it was hungry when it wasn’t, trying to trick me in to a binge fest…bodies can do that, right?

So now here I am ranting, not making any sense, rambling on about what I ate, and its like I can’t get my brain to shut the fuck off. It is moving so quickly from one thing to another but all those things are somehow related to food. Either I’m thinking about something to eat, or thinking about how I should never be allowed to eat again, or thinking about how tomorrow I have to have a double work out to make up for what I ate today, or thinking that maybe I’ll just hide in the apartment and not go out and not eat anything, and why why why can my brain not stop thinking about food and how I want it but hate it and never want it again but it tastes so good but it makes me feel so gross and omg make it freakin stop!

I hate this.

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The Depth

I did better than I thought I would when I went home for Christmas. I managed on multiple days to restrict my calories to a number that didn’t scare the crap out of me and the days I did eat more calories than I am comfie with were days I knew that was going to happen and I did my best to plan ahead for that. By plan ahead I mean mentally plan ahead, there wasn’t much I could do to physically counter act the calories.

A bonus is that even though I was eating more than I was comfie with when I compared the amounts I was eating to what other people were eating I was still eating way less. I use what other people eat as a baseline for my food quantities. If I am eating way less than what other people are eating, even if I am eating more than I feel comfie with, I don’t go in to complete and utter freak-out because I know it could be lots worse.

That might not make any sense to anybody else but it does to me, shrug.

Since I’ve been back though I’ve been pretty down. Not about being back, I am glad to be back, I’m just down about, well, I’m not completely certain what…I’m just down…

I should be happy. I know I should be but I can’t force it, not when it is just me and my laptop. Tomorrow I will fake it, for the entire time I am at work no one will know anything is less than perfect but for now, I’m down.

I feel I am sinking, going down in to the depth of, well, where ever the hell it is I always seem to go when down. Right now I am envisioning it as me sinking down in to a bottomless ocean, the water is a dark blue, it is the same temperature as me so it doesn’t make me feel anything, and instead of floating I keep sinking, farther away from the light, and I can’t even bring myself to care that I’m leaving the light behind, the warmth of the sun, the oxygen I need to live.

I just don’t care.

I keep sinking, the farther down I go the more numb I get. I am still sad, that hasn’t gone away, but the water helps to make it harder to feel the sadness. I know it is still there, lurking, but it can’t affect me, the water keeps me safe from the sadness while also blocking any of the good things from getting through.

A very small part of me knows that I should be fighting this, that I should do anything and everything I can to stop myself from sinking any lower, and to fight to get myself back to the light but that part of me is so small and easy to ignore and well, I don’t know how. It would take so much work and it is so much easier to curl up in a ball and sleep, or watch Netflix and ignore the world…which is pretty much all I’ve been doing all day…

I think I’ll go to bed and see if anything is different in the morning.

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