Tag Archives: food groups

Apple Juice

Once a week I have a session with a practicum student who will one day be a full on counselor, or therapist, or psychiatrist…I dunno, one of those. He is doing some practicum hours at the program I go to for help and I had the option of seeing him for sessions. It took a while but I eventually decided to give it a try.

We were talking today and he presented me with a challenge. I tend to link exercise (specifically, going to the gym) with food. If I eat certain foods then I have to go to the gym, no matter what, to work it off. The challenge is to break that connection. Also, I always do 30 minutes of cardio then weight work. He wants to see what happens if I don’t do the cardio, or if I lessen it, because the cardio is directly linked to my need to burn off what I ate.

I am not overly comfortable with either of these challenges, but I don’t think he’d suggest them if they were harmful, so I figured I might try.

I took a look at my watch around 8pm and realized I hadn’t eaten since, well, a lot earlier, and what I ate was something that would be classified as a snack only if I was being generous. I hadn’t exactly planned for today to be a “no eating” day, it just sorta turned out like that. And before you get all “uh-huh, yeah right, heard that one before!” I swear it is the truth.

So I had a dilemma. I was silently congratulating myself for getting so far in to the day on so few calories and thinking I’d make some tea to help ease my way through the rest of the night when I realized that was not pro-recovery thinking. sigh. I tried to think of what to do instead, I mean obviously the opposite of not eating is eating, but what, and how much, and do I really want to?

When I don’t eat for most of the day, or eat very little, I feel…proud…like I have accomplished something. I feel like if I eat something than all that work I put in to not eating (if it was a planned thing) will be wasted. If it wasn’t done on purpose, I feel like this unexpected boon of a calorie deficit should not be ruined by eating something.  It’s like…I managed to do something a lot of people don’t do, and this thing that I did, this not eating, is getting me closer to my goal of being skinnier, so why throw that success out the window just because pro-recovery people think I should eat more often.

Does that make any sense? I’m probably not explaining it well…

So I’m sitting in my living room, trying to decide what to eat, and how much, when I glance at my tea mug and see my glass of apple juice sitting beside it.

I don’t drink my calories.

The exception to that being when I am sick and I have apple juice. I actually really like apple juice but it is a thing only allowed when I am sick, and not a little sniffle sick, but full on sick.

When I left work Monday that is where I thought I was heading. So many people at my work are sick, suuuuper sick, and I left work with a sore throat, congestion, and a general feeling of ugh. So I stocked up on kleenex with lotion in them, throat lozenges, DayQuil, and some apple juice. I ended up not getting a sick as anticipated, which is a good thing, just some congestion, tiredness, and minor body aches. Thing is, this means no apple juice.

The glass of juice I poured earlier in the day was from when I had just got home, made some tea, poured a glass of juice, and sat and relaxed with a book. I thought when I sat my body would realize it wasn’t being forced to do anything anymore and would sink in to sickness.

It didn’t.

Which again, is a good thing, but now I have this juice and I can’t drink it.

Or can I?

If this had happened in the past and I decided to drink it the trade off would have been one of two things:

(1) drink the juice and go to the gym

(2) drink the juice and don’t eat anything else the rest of the night

There is no other option, if I drink calories then something has to be done to mitigate the damage.

This time I decided to try something new. Why not drink the juice and not go to the gym aaaaand eat something?

Could I do that? Is that allowed? Is this a thing that can be done?

I’m sure other people drink glasses of juice and still eat dinner and don’t go rushing off to the gym..right?

So…maybe I could also.

It took some coaxing, some lifting of the glass but not quite making it to my mouth, then trying again, before it happened, but eventually, I drank the juice.

Then I went to the bathroom and worked really hard at not throwing it up.

Then, after not throwing it up, or running off to the gym, I made myself something to eat, something that had all the food groups. Practically a miracle.

And now I am sitting here, trying not to focus on the food in my stomach, the laxatives and various other supplements in my cupboard, or my packed and always ready to go gym bag.

Fuck.

Why is this so hard? Should this be so hard? I don’t think this should be so hard. But I find it incredibly hard. I’m such a wimp, finding something like this hard. What kind of challenge is this, really, in the grand scheme of things? This is a thing normal people do every-fucking-day. If they can do it then so can I…right?

Advertisements

Meal Plan

I was given a meal plan to follow, starting August 23rd.

So far I have sucked balls at following it.

I have an appointment with the nutritionist this coming Wednesday and I am dreading having to tell her I failed.

I have all these legit reasons for why it hasn’t happened yet, why I’m not following this meal plan, but I think she won’t see them as reasons, only excuses.

I couldn’t start following the meal plan the same day I got it because I didn’t have the food in my place to be able to follow it. Then I went out of town and my eating was all over the place because of being away. When I got back I had gained 1.5 pounds and I had to lose that before I could start some meal plan that had me eating more on a daily basis then I usually do. I can’t start off a meal plan when I am up on the scale, how will I ever lose that weight I gained from the weekend?

Hey now, don’t go judging my logic, it makes sense to me!

Then I was finally down on the scale but still didn’t have the right food in my place. Add to that the whole high potassium thing I’m going through. I can’t just eat what I want I have to be checking the potassium levels of everything and I gotta say, that is screwing with me.

I like spinach, spinach is high potassium, I am no longer supposed to have spinach, but I can’t just swap in some other type of lettuce where I would normally eat spinach, so now the choice is do I eat the spinach anyways and get some dark leafy greens or do I not eat any type of lettuce?

le sigh.

I’m having this issue with a bunch of foods.

So yeah, I have this meal plan, and I’m not following it.

Today was my first real attempt to follow it. I didn’t do great, but at least I sorta tried, that maybe counts for something…

I didn’t eat within 1.5 hours of getting up (that is rule number 1 from her), but I did eventually eat (which sounds stupid but isn’t). When I eventually ate something it was an actual meal, with food groups!

I had a two egg omelette with 1 tablespoon of shredded cheese inside. I topped it with 1 tablespoon of salsa (which I am trying to figure out if that counts as a veg serving…), I also had toast (that is an easy one for me), and a yoghurt (NOT an easy one for me). I was also supposed to have a fruit and a meat, but maybe the egg counts as a meat? I’m not clear on the rules…wait! I just checked, the eggs do count as meat so score for me!

I couldn’t fit a fruit it with that meal, it was too much food already, but I ate a nectarine about 3 hours later.

Then I went to work out for a couple hours.

Then the big dilemma.

When I got home from working out I didn’t want to eat. I wasn’t feeling hungry, I was feeling like any food I ingested would be taking away all the gains I got from my work out, I didn’t want my work out to be wasted because I ate after, ya know?

So I literally paced my kitchen, back and forth, back and forth, do I eat, don’t I eat, should I eat, should I not eat, I’m not hungry, I have been told my hunger signals suck and I need to eat on schedule, I already missed the scheduled time to eat so no point in eating now, eating now is better then not eating at all, I’ve eaten too much today, you haven’t eaten as much as you promised you would when you were given the meal plan, food will make me gain weight, you need to fuel your body, I don’t want to eat, it doesn’t matter what you want, I am in charge of what my body gets, you have to give your body what it needs, I don’t need more food today, yes you do, I’m not hungry, you’ll feel hungry soon and you might binge then, I could just go to bed early, you’ll sleep better if you eat something first…and so on…

Eventually I settled on something, and ended up with a meal that had, get this…food groups! And not just one!

I had a small tortilla wrap with some coleslaw (no dressing), home made turkey salad mix, and a small amount of shredded cheddar cheese.

That is grain, meat, veg, and dairy, all in one!

I ate it. I still wasn’t feeling hungry when I ate it and eating when I don’t feel hungry goes against everything I believe in doing but I said I’d try to follow the meal plan and so far I haven’t and eating this meal put me closer to following then not eating would have done.

Honestly, I still wish I hadn’t eaten anything. I’d be feeling better about myself and not paranoid that as I sit here typing that food is turning to fat and making me bigger.

But at least this way I can go to my meeting next week and say I sort of, kinda, in a way, tried to follow the plan.