Tag Archives: failure

Binge

I’m writing this on my iPad, I hate writing posts on my iPad, and I’m using my whining as a last ditch effort to avoid talking about what I actually want to talk about…

I binged. This evening. I am laying in bed, I feel so incredibly sick, and miserable, and it is taking everything in me to not take my laxatives, or my metabolism boosters, or to try to throw up. 

On top of trying to resist doing any of those things I am also trying my damndest to resist hurting myself. 

Those things I just listed, the pills, the laxatives, the self harm, those are the only coping skills I have, I haven’t learned new ones yet. 

I don’t know what to do, I’m so incredibly upset with myself. I think this had been a record length of time without a binge and now I’ve fucked it all up. I was weak, and stupid, and I fucked up. 

Physically I feel sick, my stomach hurts, my stomach is distended, I have bile coming up my throat from being too full, I feel like throwing up but haven’t….yet…

Emotionally I feel sad, depressed, I’ve let myself down, I feel like a failure, I feel like screaming and yelling and punching something and fighting but I also feel like curling up in a ball and crying and hiding from the world until this passes…though right now it feels like it will never pass, I feel like I’ll be in this hell forever. 

Mentally I am berating myself, I am reminding myself over and over of all the calories I ate (roughly, I wasn’t exactly counting as I gorged on food), I have been restricting for so long and now all that work is thrown out the window. I have things to do tomorrow and I’m going to have to do them while feeling the physical effects of this binge and dealing with the emotional hangover that I always have from a binge, and I’m going to have to work twice as hard tomorrow to make up for the food I ate today. I keep telling myself how much I suck, how I must not want to be skinny badly enough, how I can’t even stick to my restricting plan, how I fail at everything and it’s no wonder my acting career hasn’t taken off yet if I lack the conviction to succeed at something as simple as losing weight. 

And because I have taken no action to rid my body of this food I want to hurt myself. I need to hurt myself. I deserve to be punished for the stupid act of binging and if I’m not going to punish myself by taking pills or throwing up then the least I should be doing is burning myself, or cutting myself, or making bruises, or something, anything!  By doing nothing it is like I condone the behaviour, which I don’t!

I’m so mad at myself. At my weakness. At my actions. 

And oh man do I feel sick to my stomach from all that food. Ugh. 

I hope I remember for a long long time how I feel right now so the next time I’m tempted to binge I can stop myself, and remember it is so not worth it. 

Pie

I ate pie today, and not like a normal person where I had one slice, oh no, heaven forbid I don’t be a disgusting pig *rolls eyes* I was well on my way to finishing off the entire thing when I finally managed to stop. It’s a little hard to tell because it was smooshed in my bowl but I’d say I ate 3/4 of the pie…plus topped it with Ben n Jerry’s Half-Baked ice cream.

Ugh.

It would appear that going to the Adult Ed Information Session on Monday has set me on a path of binge, binge, and binge some more!

What. The. Fuck. 😦

Today was pie, yesterday was an entire box of macaroni and cheese and some chocolate, Tuesday I managed to have some restraint but Monday on the way home from the session I bought freakin McDonald’s (two cheeseburgers no pickle, fries and a chocolate milkshake thanks very much).

I am a walking disaster.

I feel so sick to my stomach. I finished the pie eating fiasco hmm…two hours ago maybe and I am still horrendously nauseous. On top of that, before I ate the pie I was actually doing well for the day but was feeling a bit off in the tummy for no reason I can deduce so all I did by eating the pie and ice cream was compound the sick feeling. I thiiiiink I was feeling sick from the binge yesterday, like a food hangover, maybe? It’s my best guess anyways.

On top of all this I missed my team practice this evening, and we compete this Saturday! Tonights practice was so so so important and I fucking missed it because I was eating fucking pie! I let my team down, and me down, and for what? A pie that wasn’t even that good? For a chance to stuff more food in to my gut? For an experience that leaves me hating myself?

Yeah, good choice there dumb ass.

I was in the shower a bit ago and had the realization that I missed practice, something I actually love going to, for pie, and I cried a little. I’m not really a crier but that knowledge broke a part of me. Knowing that I am so out of control that I skipped something important so I could eat pie.

That’s so not normal.

I have approximately three months before I get in to the program, wait lists an all that. And I have no money to get personal counselling any earlier than that so I have to sit with this knowledge, not knowing how to process it, and what do you bet by the time I do get in to the program I will have blocked this from active memory so I never bring it up, or I am so embarrassed I choose to never bring it up because who would want to admit to this?

I hate myself right now. I hate the choice I made. I hate that I didn’t recognize the choice I was making as the wrong one. I hate that 99% of the time I think I am in control but then something like this happens and I realize I am not but I don’t know how to fix anything. I hate that there is nothing I can do right this very second to help myself because I don’t know how. I hate that our wonderful free healthcare system means having to deal with wait lists. I hate that I am so weak I got myself in to this situation in the first place and I really hate I can’t figure out how to get out of it on my own.

Basically right now I am a big ball of self-hatred…and nausea, don’t forget the nausea. sigh.

cyclecollarbones

Out Of My Routine

I think most people end up following some sort of routine, even if they hate routines and they try to avoid them, by trying to avoid them they end up in them, even if only minimally.

I do not like routines and schedules and yet I find myself following them when it comes to my food.

I don’t think much about it, I guess I just kind of follow my food routine by rote, but then something big changes and that is when I realize just how much I rely on my food routine / schedule to keep me from screwing up food wise or freaking out about what to eat or when to eat or how much to eat.

Tomorrow I am going out of town, only overnight so its not like it is some crazy big trip but I’m already trying to figure out how to handle all the food situations I may find myself in, and oh boy I think there will be many!

I’m meeting up with a friend, she lives in a small town a couple hours from me, and the plan that was hatched involved us going out for a night of drinking and partying and more drinking, then crashing at her place for a bit before going for brunch Saturday mid-morning.

When we made the plans I thought they’d be those plans that never actually happen so I wasn’t worried about it but somehow they are going from theory to reality and uh, crap.

The alcohol alone will kill me calorie wise but add to that the food she will want to eat before we go out, and then eat while out drinking, then eat the next day at brunch…that is a hella lot of food!

So far I have come up with very few ways to get out of eating…

I plan to say I ate before driving up if she suggests food before going out, so at least that should save me from one meal but when out and drinking I dunno…I guess if I am with it enough to remember to say this I can tell her the alcohol is making me feel queasy, or something along that line…and for brunch I suppose I could say I am too hungover to want to eat.

Thing is, she knows I handle my alcohol pretty well, and she knows I don’t get hungover to the point I can’t eat so she might wonder what is going on…I can lie convincingly but I don’t like the idea of planning ahead to lie to her face…something that sucks about having an ed that people don’t think about is how much lying you end up doing, to people you don’t want to lie to, on a regular basis. The little lies become so common you don’t think about them much anymore, but something like what is coming up, when you find yourself planning lies in advance to tell a close friend over the span of 24 hours or so, it makes me feel…unhappy with who I have become. Maybe that’s just me though, shrug.

eating out

skirt

 

All I Think About

To make up for the disaster that was my food yesterday I swore today I’d be careful with what I eat. I slept most of the day, which helped lol I went almost 24 hours without eating which I suppose some people would think is a bad thing but makes me feel better about things. I ate bread sticks and chocolate chip cookies yesterday, I had to counter act that somehow! I had originally planned to work out three times today, instead of my normal one or two times but when I woke up it was 4:27pm and that kinda through me for a loop, and ruined my schedule. Oops.

So instead I restricted…

My first meal was one egg, two slices of turkey bacon and an apple. I knew I’d be hungry again later so I planned ahead for that and had what I tell people in real life is a snack or treat but in actuality it is something I consider a meal. I take a Special K Protein Drink, chocolate flavour, blend it with a frozen banana and maybe some other frozen fruit and boom! It is yummy, depending on how much fruit to liquid ratio there is it either turns out as a smoothie type drink or an ice cream type texture food I can put in a bowl and eat with a spoon. The fruit mixed with the chocolate drink makes it taste good and despite the drink being so high in calories (190!) I seem to be ok with it.

So there ya have it, my food for the day, I clocked in with having eaten 558 calories for the day, I suppose I could have eaten less, I know I did last Tuesday, but at least I didn’t eat more. Any day I eat under 700 calories I count as a win because usually I eat somewhere between 700 – 780 calories and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to consistently eat less than that without consequences, sigh.

I see other women who are so skinny, who I imagine never binge on bread sticks, or cave and eat ice cream, women who look amazing and I envy, and I wonder how many calories they eat, how do they manage it, it must be a low number and I feel like such a failure I can’t eat less and get skinny faster.

I wish I ate less. And yes I know, I am the one in control of how much and what I eat so if I want to eat less I should just eat less but its hard.

All I seem to think about is food. Like today, when I woke up, before I got out of bed I planned what I was going to eat, running through my safe food choices and for some reason I thought I’d cook the egg and turkey bacon, fry up some sliced tomato and put it all on toast, have a BLT but with turkey bacon instead of pig bacon. I actually thought that up and thought I would do it, for a second or two anyways, before I reminded myself that I don’t eat bread anymore, and I can’t have the miracle whip I would have put on the sandwich, and basically the whole meal is one big fat nope. Why would I even think of that? It made my actual meal seem so much less satisfying, sigh.

After that, while I was sitting and reading a portion of my brain was constantly thinking about food. What will I eat next, what time will I eat, then it was thinking of foods I can’t eat, and thinking of binge eating, and just over and over and over again food was in my thoughts.

It sucks.

I got asked by the lady who called me about my referral to the adult ed program how often I think about food, from 1% to 100% of the day, to rate it. I didn’t know what to say, how do I rate shit like that? I said somewhere in the 90s buuuuuut maybe it is actually higher. Thing is, I know my food issues are nowhere near as bad as other peoples’ are so if they are thinking about food 100% then I must be thinking about it less, so maybe I should have said like 85%? I dunno. It is like rating pain on a scale of 1 to 10, I suck at that too because pain can always get worse so I never want to rate it high, even if it is, because I feel I have to leave room for it to increase…does that make sense?

My brain feels fuzzy and I am having trouble focusing. I want to write something else, something to describe how I am feeling and what I am going through but I can’t seem to form the words right now. I should’ve had more caffeine earlier lol I can’t have it now though because I need to sleep because I have to get up at a normal time tomorrow and I’ve totally messed up my sleep schedule. Though, along with the fuzzy and lack of focusing brain I also feel tired so maybe I’ll get to sleep ok…we shall see!

hard work

 

When I’m Tired

When I’m tired I make bad choices. Bad choices in every area of my life. At the time I am so tired I can’t bring myself to care, I am numb from exhaustion but afterwards, when I am pumped up on caffeine or had some sleep I care, I care a whole hell of a lot.

Right now I am on the upswing from taking in caffeine and carbs and sugar and I am pissed at myself.

I was tired all day today, I felt like I was moving through syrup, every action was harder than it should be. After work I went hiking with a friend and thought I was going to die when we were going up the inclines. How can one hill be so freakin long? Demonic path.

On the way home I was thinking about what, if anything, I would eat for dinner. There is nothing in my apartment I want to eat. Either I am unhappy with the calories, or the protein to carb ratio, or I’m just not feeling it. So I started wondering if there was something I could pick up on the way home, there aren’t many safe take-out options left for me but there are a couple (mostly sushi with no rice). Because I was thinking about food from outside my apartment my brain leapt to all sorts of things, like McDonald’s, pizza, cheesecake…things I can’t eat but wish I could.

When I got home I changed in to comfy clothes and basically collapsed on to my bed. I would have fallen asleep except I was freezing cold and the cat kept patting my face and meowing at me. Once I dragged myself off the bed I was working on auto pilot and made a stupid, stupid, stuuuuuupid decision…I ordered take-out. Not even something I can vaguely justify as mildly healthy either, sigh. I ordered bread sticks and the chocolate chip cookie from Pizza Hut.

Fuck.

Even as I hit the checkout button on the website I felt remorse. I sat there, rocking back and forth, instantly regretting the purchase, knowing if I had waited, maybe drunk some water to fill my stomach, maybe let myself fall asleep, maybe distract myself from my hunger by reading or watching a movie or well, anything other than ordering food, I would never have made this food choice. I couldn’t go back and change what I did so I sat, waiting for the food delivery, knowing I was about to eat super bad for me food, in ridiculous quantities, because that is apparently what I do when super tired. sigh.

Now I’m sitting here feeling oh so full, still exhausted but no way I’ll sleep for a while because my tummy is full of bread sticks and chocolate chip cookie.

All my super strict calorie restricting so I would make a good impression at the upcoming meeting about the adult ed program down the drain…I’m useless.

anorexic

dont want to

Whyyyyy?

I thought I was doing pretty good lately with not binge eating. I bought an adorable little notebook (I love stationary stuff lol) and have been using it to track what I eat and what exercise I do.

Each day has its own page, I put the day and date on the top then list everything I eat by location and time of day. So for instance, today one of my entries says:

Home 9:15pm

Then what I ate is listed underneath.

I only list things that have calories so no drinks since I only drink zero calorie liquids, but if I did have say, a fruit smoothie or something I’d put that in.

After I know I am done eating for the day I have a section for “Activity”, “Good” and “Bad”, which are basically exactly what they sound like.

Under “Activity” I write what exercise I did, so say, 1 hour hike. If I go to the gym I break it down in to how much cardio, how much weights, how much stretching (by how much I mean length of time).

I am trying to be kind to myself so I created a “Good” section where I write what I did during the day that was good, so say, my work out, or skipping a snack, stuff like that. It has to be a specific thing not some vague comment.

The “Bad”section is obvious, I write what I did that was a bad choice. It could be not working out or a bad food choice I made, things like that.

I am trying to not track calories in or out because once I assign numbers to my food and exercise I tend to become a tad obsessed about them. Once I track how many calories I am eating I can’t let myself go over 750 or so a day even though I know so called experts say I should be eating more than that, so I thought maybe I should just not put numbers down.

So like I already said, I thought I was doing pretty good in not binge eating. But then something happened, something stupid, and I made a small mistake, that led to a bigger mistake the next day and an even bigger mistake the day after. sigh.

I am really good at baking, if I do bake I take it somewhere, so to work or a party or something, I never bake for myself and I don’t eat my own baking. I baked some banana chocolate chip bread on Friday with the intent of taking it to work. Well, I got called in to work hours early because of another employee having to go home sick. I didn’t have the time needed to let the loafs properly cool and I had to turn them out of their pans earlier than I should have, this caused one of the loafs to break off at one end, about 1/4 of the loaf was lost. I put it in a tupperware container and left it at home, taking one and 3/4 loafs of banana bread to work. Bonus was the bread was still warm when it got to work, bad thing is that I had banana bread at home.

When I got home from work I warmed up the banana chocolate chip bread that was broken off from the rest of the loaf, topped it with vanilla ice cream and went to town. When I was at work I knew I was going to do this. I knew I shouldn’t. But I knew I would. It wasn’t an uncontrollable not thinking binge it was a meticulous, pre-thought out binge.

Who does that?

It gets worse. The next day there was some left over banana chocolate chip bread at work and since I took the baking in I had to take the leftovers home, there was even more left over than I had the previous night. So what did I do? Yup, took it home, warmed it up, topped it not only with ice cream but also melted nutella and ate it all…ALL! It was a massive bowl of indulgence.

Then, because that wasn’t bad enough, the next day at work I was given a doughnut and ate it, was given a slice of lime coconut pie and ate it aaaaaand when I was home ate an entire bag of kettle corn. And entire bag!

I felt so sick when I went to bed, ugh. I actually woke up with abdominal pain that kept me from going to work the day after.

So it would appear writing down all my food and exercise didn’t help me not binge after all, it just put it off a bit so I did it three days in a row instead of a bit more spread out.

Not good.

They were worse binges than normal, in my opinion, because instead of them being emotion driven or hunger driven they were, well, not driven. I don’t know why I indulged in those three binges. The kettle corn, man, I wasn’t even hungry or anything, I think that was pure boredom and my inability to eat a normal portion size. I mean heaven forbid I decide to eat kettle corn and I just pour some in to a bowl rather than open and eat the entire freakin bag. *rolls eyes*

Now I am super mad at myself, mad that I made such poor choices for three days running. Mad that I finally started seeing some changes in my body (my thighs are a little thinner I think) and I just blew all that by ingesting god knows how many calories in a short amount of time. Mad that even though I’ve been trying to not count calories I still in my head kind of estimate them and use those estimations to dictate my food choices.

Basically I am just mad at myself.

eating

Others Are Better

I have heard many times about the competition within the eating disorder world. Where Person A will tell Person B they aren’t thin enough to be a “real anorexic” or “sick enough to need help” or that they just “want attention”, stuff like that.

I haven’t experienced that from others but I do say things like that to myself all the time.

I am 100% convinced I don’t really have an eating disorder because I am still so fat. If I had a real eating disorder I would be thin, like the ladies in the thinspo YouTube videos that I watch and the images I google. I’m not sick enough to need help because I’ve never been forced in to treatment somewhere, never full on fainted from lack of food, never had a feeding tube put in me. If I really had an eating disorder I would have had at least one of those experiences, right?

I hate that I am a failure at this. I hate that I am still so fat when all I want is to be thin. I hate this body.

Like seriously, how long is this gonna take? Because it feels like I have been doing this forever and I’m still not at goal weight yet! Arg!

Sometimes I think maybe I am finally doing this thing, maybe I am finally going to succeed. I dedicate myself to restricting my calories, being active, doing everything I can think of to get thin but it doesn’t work. I can’t figure out what I am doing wrong. I mean yeah I have days where I binge eat but I have more days where I eat 750 calories or less, shouldn’t those out weigh the binge days? Or at least help negate some of the damage I did by eating? sigh. I dunno.

I see these other girls in real life and online who are so thin, they did it, they succeeded and I wish I could sit down with them and pick their brains to find out what I am doing wrong.

In some YouTube videos people talk about how much they exercised while eating almost nothing and I know that is somewhere I drop the ball a lot. I want to exercise more but I can’t. Not only because of my schedule but because I barely have the energy to get through my normal day, add on working out and I don’t know how I’ll manage. But that is probably a cop out and I should force myself in to the gym. I mean, if I really wanted to be thin I’d find a way to work out, right?

I spend the bulk of my days off sleeping, I should be spending them working out. It is just that I get so tired by the end of my work week that when I get home I put on sweats, collapse in the living room chair and barely have the energy to do anything besides chill in the chair and sleep in my bed for the next couple days. But ya know it is probably not that I am too tired, it is probably that I am lazy, and obviously not motivated enough.

I’m gonna hafta fix this.

But how? How do I find the motivation to get my lazy butt to the gym, not only on my days off but the days I work? Some people suggest scheduling your work outs the way you schedule your work shifts or doctors appointments, so they are something you can’t miss. That doesn’t really work for me because I know I can miss the work out and no doctors office is going to call to ask where I am, no manager is going to call to say I am fired. The only consequence to my not going is my own self-loathing and that doesn’t seem to be enough to get me there.

How do you motivate yourself to go work out? Do you have any tips or tricks to get your butt out the door?

get there